A Typical Day in Equestria (Anon, Lyra)

>>30556656

>"So...this kind of thing happens a lot around here?"
>You're Anon, and you're lying down, relaxing beside your live-in marefriend.
>On the ceiling.
>Yeah.  It's been one of THOSE days.  At least chocolate milk isn't raining outside this time, and the furniture isn't animated.  Discord isn't involved, apparently.
>You've met him.  Well, once.  He's not a bad guy, once you get to know him.
>"Well, it USED to," she says. "It seemed like something weird would happen a couple of times a month.  Everypony just...got used to it.  We'd have town meetings, the Mayor worked with Canterlot to come up with civil action plans, they held free workshops for volunteers. We'd come up with scenarios and drill.  The first thing they drilled into us was BACE."
>"Base?"
>"B.A.C.E." she pronounces each letter seperately.  "Breathe.  Assess.  Calculate. Execute.
>Outside the kitchen window, a school of brightly-colored fish with giant, carnivorous teeth swims by through the air, upside down from your perspective. Once the initial panic had died down, the whole thing was becoming fascinating.
>Even a little amusing. She'd been the one to help you focus on your breathing, told you to close your eyes and breathe and listen to her voice, utterly calm and collected.
>It's just as well that this happened inside.  If you'd been outside, you'd both be sailing through the ionosphere right now.
>Lyra continues.
>"First, breathe.  Whatever's happening, if you're not immediately dead or bleeding, you're probably okay for at least the moment.  Even if you ARE hurt, you're not doing yourself or anyone else any good if you're panicking. Get that under control."  She's bouncing a rubber ball against the floor beneath you, catching it in her hooves when it comes back up.
>Magic is wonky right now.  She'd tried to catch it in her magic, shortly after local gravity had reversed, and instead she'd accidentally blasted a hole in the floor with a bolt of lightning she HADN'T been trying to cast.  She didn't even KNOW that spell.
>"You start telling yourself right off the bat that, whatever's going on around you, you can handle it.  You're either right or you're not.  Most of the time, though, you are. Mindset is the most important thing in a crisis, a negative attitude gets a pony hurt or killed faster than anything else."  Tap tap tap goes the red rubber ball.  She's amazingly good with those hooves.
>"Second, you assess.  You get to a safe place if there IS one as fast as possible and get anypony else there with you if you can.  You check for injuries, then you start first sharing information with other ponies.   If you're already in a safe place, you stay there.  We're safe for the moment, so..."
>You're not so sure about that.  You hear rumbles and bangs outside, far away.  Whatever's happening, it's major.
>"Most of the time, you sit and wait until the authorities--or whoever's handling it--does their thing.  That's the police and emergency workers first, with the Elements helping as they need to, or the militia.  If it's something that ONLY the elements can help with, they do--whatever it is that needs doing while the authorities just concentrate on keeping order, giving them a clear field to work with and helping anypony that needs it. You stay out of the way."
>There's a deafening explosion and a roar that sounds like Hell itself opened up.  Maybe it has.  Apparently there actually IS a Hell, and here it's called Tartarus.  Really made you think. Or panic, that was threatening to rise again with the fresh reminder that there was an actual fucking war going on outside, with explosions and destruction and possible painful death.
>Lyra's dulcet voice is soothing and rythmic, and you deliberately tune out the outside distractions and listen to it.  Breathe.  Calmn down, Anon, you're fine, both of you are fine.
>the ball bounces against the floor every couple of seconds with a gentle tapping sound.  tap...tap...tap...like a metronome. You feel the warmth of her body next to you and the feel of her silken fur against you.
>Gradually your breathing eases again.  You open your eyes, and outside, you see trees ambulating past.  There's a flash, and first one of them and then another explodes into burning kindling. There's a rainbow colored streak that suddenly pauses, and you see Rainbow Dash, holding a tiny, scared-looking filly in her forelegs.
>She says something to the kid, smiling reassuringly, and the little filly giggles. And then they're both gone.  "Damn," you say, wonder and awe momentarily driving away fear and apprehension. "It's like having a real-life superhero team next door."
>"Just knowing that that helps a lot," she says, smiling. "They're completely bucking crazy, all of them.  But if you need help, you don't want anypony else beside you."  Giant-ass snakes made of fire and lava swim by in the air outside, and you close your eyes again.  You fucking hate snakes.
>Wait, was that Applejack riding one of them?  You think you recognize her from the market. You can't tell for sure, but the pony is orange, wearing a stetson and she's snarling and punching the giant burning serpent in the back of the head with a booted hoof over and over, and you can hear the thuds even through the walls of the house.
>"Once you're someplace safe, start administering first aid.  Treat the worst cases first.  Every block has a block captain, and she's trained for basic first aid, she gives orders to everyone else if they don't know. She does a quick headcount and we start first aid for anypony who needs it. Ponyville's small enough that most of us know pretty much everypony else, so that helps." tap...tap...tap.
>"You can't get a business license here or rent out properties without taking a first aid test and getting a refresher annually.  Not everypony likes that, but..." you hear the shrug in her voice. "It's free, it's a day or two of your time, and it's better than running a motel or a boarding house and not being able to help your guests or customers when something happens."
>There's another series of explosions, disturbingly close.  tap...tap...tap goes the ball.
>"Once you've got first aid down, then you..Calculate.  You come up with a plan.  Most of the time, your plan is going to be very simple.  Just wait, take care of each other, keep each other calm.
>"If you have to leave, you discuss what you're going to do and where you're going to go and who does what, the next closest place that should be safe and the fastest, safest way to get everypony there.  that's usually where the arguments start, when some flankhole decides that they'd rather be in charge.  So this is more of an ideal than reality, but you have to deal with that as it comes..."
>She mutters a name under her breath.  It sounds like "Filthy Rich."
>"Anyway, then you Execute.  Carry your plan out, whether it's 'Wait until it's over and the authorities sound the All-Clear,' or 'Evacuate to the a safer location,' or 'Repel zomponies.'"
>Your eyes fly open. "Wait a second, there's zomponies here?  Zombies?  Like, actual walking dead?"  You look over at her.  "No foolin'?"
>She looks amused, and stops bouncing her ball.  "No foolin'.  Flim Flam brothers and their traveling medicine show last year.  Their Mane and Tail Tonic had tana leaf extract or something.  It worked, just whatever you do, don't use it in a mortuary.  Which is bad because it was the best mane shampoo I've ever had..." she looks irritated for a moment. "Dumb zomponies..."
>How the HELL are those two brothers not dead or in jail yet?  it's a mystery to you.
>Thunder rumbles outside, and the sky abruptly darkens.  Fire rains from the heavens.  You see a small giggling pink pony bouncing by the window, apparently having the time of her life.  A second later, you see another, and another, and then a veritable army of hundreds of identical pink, curly-maned ponies comes by, the fire passing harmlessly by them and through them.
>You belatedly recognize the waitress from Sugarcube Corner.  Behind them, a crab roughly the size of a small factory ambles past, with several of the identical pink ponies, a small purple-maned unicorn you recognize as the former town librarian, a yellow pegasus, and the white unicorn pony who runs the upscale clothing boutique riding it.  She's sitting behind the head, apparently barking instructions to the crustacean.
>Lyra gently closes your gaping jaw with a hoof.
>You wonder, not for the first time, just what in the HELL is going on out there.
>Three of the pink ponies appear at the window.  "HEY LYRA, HEY NONNY!' they call in perfect unison, waving gaily.  "How's it going? You guys okay in there?"
>They seem utterly unfazed by the fact that you're both sitting on the ceiling. Lyra giggles.
>"We're okay," Lyra calls back.  "So what's going on out there?"
>"Oh, you know, the usual," they shrug.  "We're running a special at the store, the Free Foal Press got a new editor, escaped undead sorcerer from Tartarus is trying to take over the world, that kind of thing.  No biggie.  We should have it taken care of in a little bit."  They look at you closely.  "Hey, do you know you guys are on the ceiling?  That looks like fun!"
>"Yeah, it happened just little while ago," Lyra says.
>"It's okay," you say nonchalantly.  "We had a little problem with change falling out of my pockets, but other than that, it's been kind of fun."
>Surprisingly enough, you realize you're not just acting.  Sometime ago, the fear had finally completely evaporated, to be slowly replaced with growing wonder.  And if Lyra is unconcerned by all of this, why should YOU be?
>She's beside you, with you.  Whatever's going on, as long as she's with you, you can handle it. You pull her in snugly against you, and she relaxes into your warmth.
>"Oh yeah, we're having a 'Hey, We Stopped the Ancient Prophecy And Kept The Meanie Undead Sorcerer From Destroying The World' theme party after this," say the Pinkies in perfect unison.  "You're invited, if you guys wanna come along. Everyone's invited!"  She/they look off at something in the distance, and their eyes go starry.
>"Oh--OH!  We gotta go, there's giant cake golems coming over the hill!  And they're CHOCOLATE! STAND BACK, GUYS! I'VE GOT THIS!" they yell.  They look back at you.  "I was made for this moment," they say with grim determination, smirking.
>And with that, they're gone.
>"Hold on," says Lyra.  She disengages herself from your grip and trots across the ceiling toward the wall over the refrigerator.  She hops "upward" and snags the handle of the freezer compartment, and then opens the refrigerator to retrieve a bottle of soda.
>You have NO idea how hooves can be so dexterous, even now.
>"Catch!" it takes two tries for her to figure out the logistics of throwing something, since the change in gravity only seems to affect living things, not inanimate objects.  But you finally catch first one bottle, and then another.
>She deftly retrieves a couple of long bendy straws from a drawer, and drops back "down" onto the ceiling with them in her mouth. Trotting over to you, she gives you one, and you both open your sodas, carefully holding them "upside down" relative to you.
>You stick your crazy straws into them and sip.  Your eyes meet.
>Smiling, you click your bottles together.  "To us," you say.
>"To us," she says, smiling.  You sip your sodas, talking about nothing much.
>An hour or so later, gravity abruptly reverses.  Lyra catches you both with her magic just in time, lowering you both gently to the ground.
>It's just another day in Equestria.