goodbye ch. 001

annyeong. ah, you might understand this better in english,, i said 'hello'. yeah, you're right, i'm talking to you. why? because i feel too lonely and i found it necessary to write this down. i feel too disgusted.
exams ended but it's just half-way the year. i'm left with nothing to do, this is too boring.

some days ago, i opened up my sns and saw my friend's story. it wasn't a picture of her, rather a tall guy with a very short(compared to him ig) at the edge of a bridge. it took me some time to realize that it was my ex. the girl with him wasn't his girlfriend. i was mistaken. it was another 'girl' friend of his. even though i expected his current girlfriend to be there with him. i still wonder why my best friend talks to my ex, even on knowing what he did to me.

so i think it isn't any harm if i talk to amy. i am not answerable to addie(the best friend i mentioned). addie hates amy, but it isn't the other way round. i feel too bad for amy. but i wonder if addie also think "i feel too bad for him(my ex)." (if you know what i meant)// nevermind.

i don't talk to people this much. ant-social? maybe i am. the person who is writing this isn't really a perfect, beautiful lady who is admired by all. i am a fat little teen(yes i am fat), fuck off no one gives a shit,, even i don't.

i live in a fanfiction. probably you can put it under the category 'virtual world'. here, i have no one except the person i love, seo young ho(i'll call him john). he is someone i often talk to. funniest part, i don't talk to him about my sad life, rather i live happily with him, in my imagination. i talk about happy things and spend as much time as we want together.

yeah, he is 'invisible'. ah! he isn't a ghost, he just doesn't exist in real life. neither do i.

in the real world, he is far from me. the john i love is a person carved in my own way. i don't know how the real john is. i don't want to, i don't need to. i am happy with is sole existence as my imagination.

this was probably the biggest secret in my 14 years of being alive. i want to die as soon as possible. or i'd rather kill/brutally murder my ex and get a death sentence. (we might end up together in hell) *laughs*

what i have overcome in my past years, is the strong desire to make him mine. my ex. yeah, my desire was strong but probably i never harmed people(physically/emotionally) because of that. the only person i harmed was me, myself. funny, huh? am i being a sadist?(i probably don't actually what that actually means, i'm too dumb).

the thing is,, i just want what i deserve.

i live in a world which is far off from the real world. ah, come and visit me there if you want.

goodbye.(a nice 'goodbye' always means that they'll be back. but the thing is, he never said goodbye to me.)
listen to 'goodbye' by wendy,, it's beautiful. *currently listening to it*