Today is Friday, January 13, 2012. It's 8:09 pm. I'm sitting alone in a friend's dorm room while he's out getting some caffeinated beverage. Today is also the first day that I'm seriously contemplating suicide again in about...4ish months, and guess what guys? I have absolutely no good reason.
My life is in a good place. I have a loving boyfriend. I'm entering my first semester at my dream school. I have friends and family who care about me, be it sometimes in rather odd ways...but still, and I have the audacity to simply want to try and give up on the world.
Why? Well, lets put it this way. Every morning I wake up, alone in my bed. I feel like I've gotten absolutely no sleep, when in all honestly I usually sleep 12+ hours in a night. I sit on my computer for about 5ish hours and watch Pretty Little Liars while tumblring and wondering if I should do anything that day. Usually, the answer I give myself is no. When I finally get out of bed, I'm sluggish. And when I go to sleep that night after sitting on the computer till 5 am, I feel lonely cuz no one is beside me.
I'm too passive. I let people walk all over me because I feel like somewhere in my mind I'm also too bitchy...but I've always been passive. It stems from an event that happened when I was 4 combined with the way that my parents raised me.
When I was 4, I was playing in the front yard of my apartment complex. A man came and tried to convince me to go with him. I talked politely to him, saying I didn't want to leave my house or I'd get in trouble.This didn't matter because he promptly managed to knock me out cold. I remember waking up and being tied up. He came to me in a dark, smelly room and...well, you get the drift. This led to me not being able to talk for about a year, and when I started talking again I didn't remember anything because I had repressed it so well.
This, in combination with my father's policy of I say you do or I hit you, kinda taught me that I had no right to fight for myself. I let guys use and walk all over me...and I don't know why. I still feel like a useless waste of flesh sometimes, and this, combined with the complete apathy I'm feeling right now for no reason, makes me want to die. There's no hope for me to get better, and I am convinced that I only hurt, not help, people.