I begin to write again, almost nine months since I last wrote. It seems a large amount of things have changed. Time has passed, people have come and gone. Yet my sense of identity still grows. I don’t think I am going through the motions anymore. I have expanded on the values that were instilled in me the past few years. My core values of empathy, humanization, and understanding have brought me to where I am today. I am facing the prospect of a potential triple (yes, triple) promotion gradually over the course of the next few years. Months ago I would have chalked that up to luck. That was not luck. I have crafted my circumstance through being the best version of myself that I can strive to be. This shows to others, and it shows why such high degrees of trust have been placed in me. I am being shown levels of respect and admiration that I almost feel are uncalled for. Deep inside, I think I’ve started to accept that I have earned it. I have earned every last bit of it. I am shaping up to be the man I want to be. I no longer find myself reaching outwards for validation from women I know will just end up hurting me, I’m no longer submitting myself to depressive loops, I believe I have begun to develop the foundation, and substance of self-worth. I have remained cognizant of the world around me, and my friends, and peers, and they repay that attention with connections I am genuinely grateful for. I still want to do more for them, but I know I will only be able to by becoming the healthiest version of myself possible. My emotional growth is where it should be, it took 23 years. After facing death a few nights ago, I had a split second where I realized I had accepted my life until this point. I was proud. Subconsciously, I knew if everyone had realized I had died there, they would have been proud of whom I had become... I would have died my own man.

Isn’t that all I ever wanted? To leave a valuable message for those important to me? To hope that my passing could be a piece of the puzzle for someone else?

It was.
So that’s it, right then, I “died” to myself. It was a gift of opportunity, a privilege many do not get to experience. I got to reassess my life up until that moment. There was no regret. It felt like my path to success had been obtained. I felt this, asked if I was going to die, and then I was gone. What felt like an indefinite amount of time later, I felt the air being pushed back into my lungs. “Not yet. I have more to do”. This feeling was in the back of my mind, I have been given the tools, and now, it felt like I had finally been given a task for the first time in my life.

So I’ve done it. I’m at the peak of the biggest emotional challenge and series of barriers in my life. I tore them down through multiple failures, misgivings and challenges. But I also realized the majority of those barriers were self-created. I’ve learned this sort of feeling of love for the day to day hustle and bustle around me. Maybe it isn’t love, maybe it’s only something as simple that can be represented as a nod from a stranger passerby on the street. Yeah, that’s what I want it to be. A nod, a come to terms. If I want to encapsulate my character, I want it to be a nod. Everyone is in the same world as I. I had always coped by putting others beneath me, my time away from Edmonton taught me otherwise, that one of the greatest realizations was one of humility, I was not above or below anyone else, I was simply just at my own point of the human journey. It’s a relief. I am not consistent in my values, but for the first time in my life I feel the positive traits of myself have taken hold and become the majority of my character, rather than the minority. It is time to capitalize. I will use this knowledge my peers and mentors have taught me to take that final step into what I consider to be the midgame. Moving forward, I will be ready to tackle these old challenges in a new light if they are to resurface. I’ve learned to ride the bike.
This is a capper, an end of a chapter, a footnote. I’ve faced my fears, relearned who I was and who I want to be, I’m at a point of acceptance. In the lyrics of Johnny Cash, “I will keep myself. I will find a way.” I believe I have done so. I am no longer a hurt man. The battle for my spirit and mental health is ending. The physical remains. I anticipate hardship; I have never been a physically attuned individual. I’ve always relied on my consciousness to carry me. That’s fine. I’ll learn anyways. I have the will.

It feels like this chapter has ended, I hope for a time of reprieve, but that’s not for me to decide.

Sheridan