Lucy's Late Night Lesson

	The scribbling sound of pencil jotting word to paper echoed softly through the air duct of the Loud household. In the dead of the night as everyone slumbered, a sleepless soul made the most of her moments, hammering away at another written work in progress. Lucy Loud sat within the cramped shaft space, legs crossed with journal in lap and flashlight in hand to illuminate the tight corridor. She bit her lip in thought, when a sudden booming roar seemed to shake the house down to it’s support beams. There were no lightning strikes for Lucy when a thunderstorm rolled around, only inspiration.The dark haired girl cleared her throat and began reciting her most recent work aloud.

	Wandering through darkness, forlorn thoughts and desires
	These suffocating walls, my eternal, wallowing mire
	Grasping for existence, just an afterthought that lingers
	This sharp stinging sensation, ow my poor finger
	The unforgiving spirit that dwells within this house
	Alas, it’s naught more than a trap for the mouse

	Lucy bowed her head, ending her recital before rising back up to speak. “Well guys, what did you think? Be honest, I’ll accept all criticism.”

	A deafening silence filled the already quiet passageway. Lucy’s hidden eyes darted across her audience, awaiting a response. Geo the hamster sat within his ball, facing the opposite direction as he groomed himself vigorously. Edwin just stood there, his empty stare piercing Lucy’s soul. He was a man of few words but that was just one of many traits Lucy admired about him. His regrettable ‘miniature bust’ status was always a point of contention in their relationship though.

	“Too heavy handed?” Lucy spoke for her peers. “I guess the influence of the dark muses aren’t with me tonight. Neither is Fangs apparently. Where is he with those frozen veggies for my finger?”

	The sound of a hefty thump rang from down the shaft, followed by a manic fluttering. Lucy pointed her flashlight down the vent just in time for her pet bat to drop by with a special delivery.

	“Fangs,” Lucy’s delivery was more deadpan than usual as she observed the packet. “This is a bag of rice. How am I supposed to mend the swelling with this? Siiigh. I knew I should have made Cliff my familiar instead. Sometimes I wonder how—”

	Lucy’s emotionless tirade was cut short by a faint murmuring that called out from the shadows. The noise was subtle, but just loud enough to catch the girl’s attention.

	“You hear that?” Lucy tilted her head, pointing her ear in the direction of the source. “Sounds like Luna is ‘sleep-strumming’ again. I hope she’s at least using an instrument this time.”

	The silence of the night was cut short once more as the sound echoed again through the ventilation system. It was louder, more aggressive the second time around. Lucy’s head snapped in the opposite direction. The distinguishable noise was without a doubt a voice. The spooky girl felt chills rush through her entire body. Another soul was out there, reveling in the darkness.

	“Hmmmm,” Lucy pondered the possibilities. “Perhaps Lincoln is in the dream realm, undergoing another noisy nocturnal emission. I'm a bit envious. Expelling a demon from your body sounds pretty wicked. I should ask him how it feels.”

	Lucy’s mind wandered until yet again, the mysterious muttering surfaced. The distorted voice seemed to fluctuate in volume, stopping and starting at irregular beats. Lucy gripped Edwin tightly and shone her flashlight down the opposite end of the dark passage. The raven haired girl’s morbid curiosity began to nibble away at her. The shadows were Lucy’s domain and she’d be damned if she was going to be in the dark about who’s in the dark.

	“Come my dark acolytes,” Lucy beckoned to her two tiny pets as she crawled down the vent, parallel to the second floor hallway. “Time to expose the sinister secrets hiding in this house, and maybe make a PB&J along the way.”

	Lucy maneuvered through the tight space between the walls, with more tact and stealth than a lingering spirit. She passed by the rooms of her older siblings, peeking through the grates along the way. Aside, from Luna’s vigorous ‘strumming’ session, the house was as dead as Great Grandma Harriet. At least, that was the state of the second floor.

	As Lucy approached the bathroom grate, the voice grew louder and clearer. The spooky goth was nearly thrown back when another voice chimed in, distinguishable from the first. A bounty of muffled bickering rose up the air duct from the floor below. The mystery got a bit less mysterious as she pieced the clues together on her way down to the first floor.

	“Well this is pretty disappointing Edwin,” Lucy grasped held her bust by its cold, rock hard cheeks, whispering into its ear. “I was hoping we’d run into a possessor or at least a slime ghost. Parents really do ruin all the fun.”

	Mere feet away on the other side of the grate, was the master bedroom were parental bonds were tested. Lucy could hear her mother’s irritated voice, held by restraint in consideration for those sleeping above. The lights were off, with only a shred of moonlight leaking through the curtains to illuminate the room. The faint figure of Rita Loud, clad in her bathrobe standing near the edge of the bed, was all that could be seen. Lucy couldn’t see her father, but the presence of another in the shadows was felt. The scary sleuth was ready to call it a night following the underwhelming turn of events when the conversation resumed.

	“H-How about an extension?” Rita suggested with a twinge of anxiety in her throat. “The restaurant is doing well, if you give us a bit of time we can pay you back with interest and—”

	“You just don’t get it do ya, lady? There is no more time! The boss wants his cut NOW!”

	Lucy perked up. The response was not one she had anticipated. That wasn’t the familiar, goofy tone of her father on the other end. It was deeper and rugged, with the distinct cadence of a stereotypical mafioso. Lucy turned back and pressed her face up against the vent, fully invested in the confrontation.

	“L-Look I’m sorry!” Rita threw her hands up in self defense. The shaking in her voice was as pronounced as her animated gestures. “Here you can take all the cash in my purse, just give us until the end of the week for the lease payment! PLEASE.”

	On the other side of the wall, Lucy could feel her heart thump away, accelerating with each passing second. She had hoped to uncover something dark in the dead of the night and it appeared she got more than she bargained for. As the young girl’s mind raced to piece the situation together, a sudden burst of light from outside brightened up the bedroom, but only momentarily. In that brief instant, even when obscured by the lightning’s flash and her limited field of view, Lucy could make out a single man. He was a tall glass of water, sporting a brown set of khakis that offset his leather jacket which was as black as the abyss. His face was shrouded in a ski mask, eye holes cut for optimal vision. He was dressed for the job and was ready to work.

	“Well lady, I GUESS I can give you and your husband until the end of the week, but you know what,” The stranger began to creep closer towards Rita, step by menacing step. “I might as well take a little ‘extra’ while I’m here if you know what I mean!”

	Rita let out a horrifying gasp and fell backwards onto the bed. “Wait, y-you can’t mean… NO! YOU CAN’T DO THIS!” The terrified woman gripped her robe, holding it shut for dear life.

	“Don’t be like that lady, I’m only collecting what’s mine! Hehehe!” The thug towered over the mother, his lecherous hands twiddling in anticipation.

	“JUST YOU WAIT UNTIL MY HUSBAND GETS HOME! HE’LL BE HERE FROM HIS NIGHT SHIFT ANY MINUTE AND WHEN HE DOES, YOU’LL BE—AAAAAH!”

	“Stupid woman, he ain’t coming home!” The man remarked as he ripped open Rita’s only means of attire, exposing every inch of her body to him. “A couple of my boys already hit his restaurant up. He should have coughed up the dough, now he’ll just be coughing up blood!”

	Lucy was sweating bullets inside the vent. So many horrifying thoughts were bombarding the eight year old, one after another. She was confused about the nature of this intruder. She was concerned about the fate of her missing father and more importantly, she was worried about the safety of her mother. If she didn’t act fast, this threat could devour her entire family. Even with the dark spirits on her side, she couldn’t do anything alone.

	“Geo,” Lucy whispered to the hamster as if he were a crystal ball. “This is your moment to shine. We’re going to need backup here if we want to help mom. Relay my message before it’s too late. I’ll buy you some time. Now go!” The rodent tilted his head in confusion before being chucked through the ventilation system like a wild shot put.

	“NO GET OFF ME, YOU CAN’T DO THIS YOU CAN’T DOOoOOOooaaah!” Rita’s voice increased in urgency and peaked with a massive yelp as the stranger pressed his body against hers. The woman kicked and struggled against her attacker but to no avail. Rita grunted and moaned, her pleas for him to stop falling on deaf ears. The mother’s voice faltered with each penetrating thrust that invaded her.

	Rita went limp as the interloper took advantage, completely dominating her in bed. As the stranger’s bucks and gyrations kept the woman at bay, she began to chuckle before growing a smirk. After a few seconds of silence on her end, the woman spoke up with renewed vigor and enthusiasm. It was as if she found something that had gone missing in her life long ago.

	“W-Wow, you really know how to use that thing dontcha,” Rita gritted her teeth and dug her claws into the mattress, practically tearing the sheets apart. “No one’s given it to me this hard in years! Is that all you got, stud?”

	“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet sweetcheeks,” The dangerous assailant reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out a long pointed tool that he gripped by the handle. “This oughta put you in your place!”

	Lucy had long since drowned out the conversation on the other side. She was too focused on opening the bedroom vent as inconspicuously as possible. At the final second, Lucy pushed the grate open just in time to see another bright flash of lightning illuminated the room again as well as what she believed were the final moments of her mother’s life. The stranger held the weapon up above his head with a killer intent that was nearly palpable. A buzzing noise rang through Lucy’s ears, prompting her to act.

	“Fangs,” Lucy pointed to the malicious silhouette before her. “Suck him dry.”

	With a blood curdling screech and rapid fluttering of his wings, Lucy’s flying partner Fangs charged forward at her command.

	“AAAAAAH, WHAT THE HECK IS THIS THING?! HELP!” The assailant hollered, backing off of Rita and dropping his weapon. His deep voice grew panicked and shrill, breaking through his ‘tough guy’ facade. The man flailed about in the shadows, spinning around like a twister as he swatted at the bat. His sharp, girly screams were almost enough to break glass.

	“W-What’s going on, and what was that noise,” Rita pulled herself up, just as confused about the situation as her attacker. “Is there something flying in the house!? Let me turn on the— OW MY FFFFFreaking toe! Stupid dresser!”

	“OUCH I THINK IT JUST BIT ME!” The masked man screamed out, tripping over his lowered pants wrapped around his ankles. “DANGIT, I CAN’T SEE OUT OF MY STUPID MASK!”

	As the victim and her culprit danced about in the shadows like a couple of cockroaches, a loud stampedeing noise thundered throughout the house. The cacophony centralized towards the master bedroom, reaching its climax with a series of booms that forced the door down.

	“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT BUT IF YOU DON’T LEAVE THIS HOUSE NOW WE’LL LITERALLY BASH YOUR SKULL IN!” The eldest loud sibling roared, brandishing her lucky nine-iron.

	“YOU TELL EM LORI!”
	“WHAT SHE SAID.”
	“PREPARE FOR THE RETALIATION OF A LIFETIME, BUSTER.”
	“HOPE YOU LIKE THE TASTE OF HEAVY METAL, DUDE!”
	“I WANT TO DRAW SOME BLOOD!”
	“MY BAT IS ITCHING TO SCORE A GRAND SLAM.”
	“BAH BAH BAAAH!”

	“Kids is that you?” Rita called out, hopping on one foot as she held her throbbing toe.

	Lori was followed by an entourage of children, some shuddering in the back and some armed with weapons of their own. With ten voices all arguing to have their voices heard, they decided to let their actions do the talking and charged forward.

	“KIDS? NO NO NO WAIT,” the thug cried out, cowering in fear as he was bludgeoned from all angles. “OUCH, WHO’S BASS GUITAR WAS THAT?”

	Lucy snapped her fingers twice in succession, calling off her flying familiar. The young goth felt a pit form in her stomach that grew deeper with every word the poor sucker cried out. The scene had completely spiraled out of everyone’s control. Lucy slipped out of the vent and snuck past the wild ruckus. She flipped the bedroom switch, eager to shed some light on the situation.

	“Can everyone settle down for a moment,” Lucy drearily interjected. “Also, can you fasten your bathrobe mom? No one needs to see those.”

	Rita was as red as a tomato. She turned away from her children and quickly covered up before anyone else could notice.

	“Mom,” Lucy continued, having garnered everyone’s attention. “Where is dad at right now?”

	“Dad?” Rita had lost herself in the commotion. “OH! Kids get away from that man! Lola, put down the crowbar! NOW.”

	“But mom he’s the burglar!” Lincoln called out.

	“Yeah,” Lana followed, holding up a familiar hamster ball. “Geo sent us Lucy’s message!”

	“Oh good lord,” Rita ran her hands along her face. Her disappointment, while not directed at anyone in particular, was immense. She kneeled down at the real victim cradled in the fetal position and removed his ski mask. “Kids there is no burglar, it’s just your father.”

	“WHAAAAAAT?” The kid collective blurted out in unison, blown away by the shocking turn of events.

	“T-Two box of samoas please, l-little lady...” Lynn Sr.’s head spun, delirious from the beating.

	“AAAH,” Lola gasped and quickly embraced her groaning father. “DADDY WE’RE SORRY!”

	“Hold up,” Luan scratched her head. “Why was dad pretending to be the burglar? Also, why are his pants down?”

	Rita sloppily pulled her husband’s pants up, hiding any trace of their embarrassing act from the kids.She consoled the babbling man in her lap with gentle pets to the head.

	“I said there’s no burglar! He’s supposed to be a harden mafioso who doesn’t play by the rules! I’m the sexy, vulnerable mistress with unfulfilled needs who— NEVERMIND, I DON’T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING. And what do you mean Lucy’s message?” Rita turned her direction towards the goth, wearing a scowl that demanded answers. The other kids followed suit and soon enough, all eyes were on Lucy.


	“Uhmmm,” The nervous 8 year old stammered in front of her audience. “Well I heard you two arguing about a payment, and then then the man, I mean dad, attacked you and there was a weapon...”

“Weapon?” Rita was flummoxed.

	Lori rolled her eyes and gave her mother a big hint. “I think Lucy might have been talking about— AHEM. THAT weapon...” She pointed her finger at the vibrating object that jutted out from under the bed.

	The humiliated mother of 11 lunged for the phallic object, moving faster than the lightning outside. She quickly tucked it in her robe and gave Lori the most awkward grimace she could muster. Lori just shook her head. At that moment, Rita wished she was the one who had been beaten unconscious.

	“Gross,” Lori muttered under her breath before turning her back and exiting the room.  “Alright everyone, false alarm, get back to bed. NOW.”

	Each kid took a moment to apologize to their father for the beating they partook in before dispersing. Some of the kids felt remorse for their actions while others couldn’t help but giggle once out of earshot. However, none felt more remorse than Lucy Loud for kickstarting the biggest misunderstanding in her young life.

	“Lucy can you get your father an ice pack for his head?.” Rita requested, carrying her hubby to bed for the night.

	“Well there’s no ice but this bag of rice should go well against the grain.” Breaking the tension with jokes was better left to Luan. Her mother’s piercing gaze of irritation was a testament to that. “J-Just kidding. I'll get the frozen veggies.”

														*****

	Lucy Loud sat in the ventilation shaft of the house, returning to her daily writing sessions. With flashlight in hand, the young writer chiseled away at another poem, making the most of her late night inspiration. Reflecting on recent experiences, she channel her creative ingenuity into her craft, putting her new perspectives and discoveries to work. The goth cleared her throat and read her new piece aloud.

	Misguided young soul, wandering the abyss
	Days of youth gone by, filled with lost innocence
	Lies and deceit, like a blade your words slay
	Hidden dark truths, a mask donned for cosplay
	A puzzle of hearts, like a chain your minds link
	What you hide from the world, it’s a pretty strange kink

	“Let the critiquing hours begin,” Lucy clapped her hands together. “Edwin, Fangs, Geo. Any advice for an aspiring young writer this time around? Don’t hesitate to tell me what you think.”

	Lucy perused her audience, awaiting a reaction that would never come. A full minute passed before Lucy spoke up to end the painful silence.

	“Siiigh. You guys want to know what I think? I think I need some more friends.”

	As Lucy wallowed in her pool of self deprecation, a familiar sensation ran through her body. A faint whistling, not unlike that of a gentle breeze, bounced through the walls of the vents catching the spooky lass’ attention. Before she could consider it, a giggling laugh, distorted by the distance, scratched at her ears. They all paled in comparison to the haunting moans from the opposite end of the corridor that seemed to drown them out. Noise after noise, a ghastly symphony of sounds called out to Lucy, each one a well of untapped potential for her writing.

	“You know Edwin, maybe it’s best if I remained in the shadows, allowing the ways of the universe to continue without my presence.”

	Lucy scanned her immediate surroundings. Darkness as far as her obscured eyes can see. It was just the way she liked it.

	“On the other hand, observing others is just too much fun. Ha. Ha ha. Ha.  Fangs, cook up some more rice and veggies, this is going to be an all-nighter. Come Edwin, let’s get inspired.”