Thread 7: Stories 1-15

Thread 7 archive can be found here:

http://archive.heinessen.com/mlp/thread/16379525

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Applejack sits somberly in her office, filling out form after form after form. Inwardly grumbling at the one thousand year mess Celestia had created. Her office door thudded several times with hard knocks.

"Door's open!" She invited and was greeted with the sight of a familiar purple dragon with several papers clutched in his claws. Her stomach bottomed out and she began to unconsciously play with his gift around her foreleg.

She had been dreading this moment. "Well howdy, Spike, what can Ah do ya for?"

"You know exactly why I'm here, Applejack." The small dragon marched up and threw down the papers onto the princess's desk. "'LAID OFF'? What the hell is this about?"

Not even a few moments to beat around the bush and pretend things were fine. "Look, sugarcube, Ah been goin' over some of Equestria's laws an' realized that it's against tha law to have ever had ya workin' for Twiligh', never mind tha insane work you been puttin' in here or tha hours you put in."

Spike gained a triumphant look. "Ahah! Not so fast! Those laws only apply to ponies, Applejack! I'm a dragon, my status is basically a personal possession-"

Applejack held up her latest amendment and gave Spike a sad smile. "Not anymore, partner... You're a bonafide citizen o' Equestria now."

Spike looked over the amendment, his eyes beginning to shimmer with tears. "But... That's not fair."

"Spike, what we been doin' to ya'll is unfair. You ain' a handbag, yer a person, yer own individual. An' part o' that is lettin' ya go ta have yer own life."

Immediately, Spike desperately tore up the law in his hands and he dared to hope.

Applejack just shook her head. "Sorry, that was jus' one copy o' thousands, it's already in tha system."

She died a little inside to see him become so sad. And then, he got angry.

"This... This is bullshit, Applejack! Complete bullshit! You said you were always happy to have me around, you said you wanted me right here by your side to help! Was all that just a lie?"

She didn't answer, she simply remained silent, not wanting to give him reasons to try to stay, not wanting to try to justify herself for what she's done.

This only enraged him further. "You know, Twilight once said I would never have to worry about me being sent away. Well guess how often she needs me for anything other than butchering some failed project? And Celestia, she once said she always had Equestria's best at heart, and we see how much she's willing to fuck it over just for her cake! And Rarity, let's not forget Rarity who said I'd always have a place in her heart and then goes and builds a damn harem! I guess I now know what a pony's word is worth, huh?" After all this was said, he just stood there, gasping for breath as though having run a marathon.

It took all of Applejack's willpower not to immediately run over to comfort him. "Just, please, leave..." She thought desperately.

Finally, Spike tearfully grabbed his notice of dismissal and snorted flames. "Fine, you want me gone? I'm gone, and not a single pony will ever have to see me ever again. This monster won't taint your fairytale kingdom." With his free hand, he took his guns and threw them to the floor. "And tell Celestia she can have those pieces of shit back." And just like that, he was gone.

For the next several hours, Applejack sobbed to herself, dead to every pony who tried to communicate with her. The only evidence of her aids the growing pile of paperwork.

Long after sunset, Celestia walked in.

"Applejack, have you seen Spike anywhere? He was supposed to bring me that damn red velvet cheese cake hours ago." She asked, completely unfazed by the other princess' grief.

"Ah let'em go!" Applejack wailed. "Ah let 'im go because it was tha righ' thin ta do an' none o' us had any righ' ta keep 'im chained down like this!"

Celestia though, saw more. "You really love him, don't you?"

"Yes!"

"So let me get this straight, you told the one you loved most, to fuck off because of your own sense of justice and morals, and also deprived yourself, and all the princesses, of one of our greatest assets?"

Applejack nodded tearfully while clutching the band for dear life.

After several long seconds with the only sound in the room being Applejack's crying, Celestia finally said: "This is all your fault, you know that, right?"

DECLARED NON CANON BY AUTHOR
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>Shiny
'Sombra (Written)'

>So why do you want me to teach you Hyperspace Hyperwars?

'I require a hobby to wile away the hours not spent with Two, I saw your miniatures and was intrigued. The books at the gameshop wove an interesting if somewhat cliched world and thus I staked my claim, purchased an army, assembled them, and painted them in a way that befitted their lore.'

>Wait you actually already got an army together?

'Yes.'

In the next instant the table between them is populated by gold and silver figurines depicting robotic equines with emerald eyes outfitted with wicked chrome lances and spears.

>Huh, Pharaobots, not exactly a beginner's choice.

'I found their story had remarkable symmetry to mine, ancient rulers of a glorious Empire, laid low by forces more powerful than they, resurrected into something both more than a common equine yet much...much less.'

>That's...deep...

'I'm a floating head attached to a smoke cloud without the need to eat drink or sleep, thinking is something I have a lot of time for.'

>Point. So, I guess we'll get started on the basic mechanics...

Two Hours Later...

>ALL MY TERMINATORS!? HOW!? HOW!?

Sombra sneers as his forces sweep the board again.

'Your formations are despicable! Read some military history you oaf!'

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>Chrysalis
"Shining Armor"
'18'
*Twilight*
-Poindexter-
~~~~~
Twilight sits in the DM seat, her face hidden behind the screen and calmly setting up

>So... What's with all the extra character sheets? Shiny, you dog, do you want an orgy this time? Well I think my girl's got the constitution to spare. Assuming SOME ONE doesn't cuntblock me!

'Enchantress suddenly doesn't seem so bad, does it?'

-Wait, they've never played a Twilight game, have they?-

"Nope."

-... When will Spike get here?-

"He's busy tonight..."

-We're screwed, aren't we?-

>Well, at least you will be.

'By one of us.'

"... You know what, I'm not gonna fight it this time. We are going to need the boosts"

>'Whoa, wait- what?!'

Twilight suddenly grabs everyone's attentions as she clears her throat.

*Ladies and gentlecolts, welcome to my newest campaign, I call it: Dark Souls. Prepare to die!*

The expression of raw malice she wears is enough to send chills down Chrysalis and 18's spines.


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>SA
"Rainbow Dash"
~~~~~~~~

*WINDOW SHATTER!*

"Wasssup, buuuudy? Howsh it' goin' on clear over yonder?"

>I knew it. That fucking cancer punch made me a magnetic beacon for inebriated ponies.

"Nah, jush wanna talk! You an' me, we never talk. Wash up whit dat? Ah' like ya! Ya' seem nice, plenny o' good shtufh at yer' weddin'."

>Not gonna lie, I kind of miss the cancer.

"Sho' why don't ya' have an airforce ya' ninny!?"

>Maybe I can... wait, what?

"Wheresh yer' airforsh! Yer wonnerbolsh, or whatevah lame thing ya' call em?"

>I... huh, that- that is a legitimate question.

"Wash ya NEED ta' do, shinch ya' ain't got any pegashish' ish ya' head on down ta' cloushdale, and ya' offer shome benefit packagesh. You know, shoclarshish, better health coverash, bonushes, shtuff like that!"

>...Where's my pen?

"Ya' need ta' get yershelf a bigger population o' fliers, an' train em' jush like ya' do yer' guard! Yer' guard ish nice, but shay canno' fly. Dash a problem... HAH! I shaid Dash, like sha me!"

>Uh huh... uh huh...

"Oncsh you god' sha basic in, yer' pretty much all sheee...

>I'm pretty much all wh-

"BLAAAEGH!"

>...I think a piece went up my nose, that's a solid hundred points.

*THUMP!*

>No huggy part? Huh. I kind of miss the huggy part.

"ZZZZzzzzz"

>...I need to get ponies drunk more often.

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"Various Changelings"
~~~~~~~

"DAMN IT!"

"Why Juggling? Can you tell me that, why the hell did you pick Juggling for your thing?"

"Yodeling was taken! You can't have two yodeling Changelings!"

"He's right. You can't. It's a law."

"Why are we doing this anyway? 55 is going to die eventually!"

"Being attracted to fires was a snap decision on my part, I admit that. I'm Changeling enough to point out my mistakes there. But I must stand my ground! I must stick with my choices!... Because I can't come up with anything else."

"Your number is 55?"

"I have no idea. I admit, I kind of miss the staple papers."

"NO WE DON'T! THE STAPLE PAPERS WERE WRONG!"

"...Who're you again?"

"....13. I'm number 13."

"Oh, okay. Good thing you cleared that up, I thought I was 13."

"No no, you're uh, 17. You're 17."

"Oh, okay. So what's my thing?"

"Mostly accepting responsibility. For things. Things that you, 17, did."

"Man, I need to rethink my life."

"I'd do it quickly, not gonna lie."

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"Applejack 12"
~~~~~
Applejack twelve sits in a small both. It's small, cramped, and a bit before five in the morning but he's nearly in tears that he was even able to get on a trial period.

He checks the clock and looks at the instructions before him.

"Okay, 12... You can do this. Everyone's counting on you... You're counting on you. Don't screw this up..."

He opens the window and hits a button and shouts into the microphone.

"NEXT!"

A pony approaches him.

"Papers, please."

POSSIBLY NON CANON

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>Shining Armor
"Spike"
'Poindexter'
[Chrysalis]
-18-
{Cadence}
~~~~~~

"Seriously?"

>Look, she heard from Poindexter that these two were doing the love enchantment and sleeping with me, lost her shit, punched Chrysalis through a wall, bit 18 in the face, and then cried on 42's shoulder for a solid hour before I told her it was a game. She just wants to play too so she can see how this works, alright?

"...Really?"

-Where's 42?-

>She's repainting her figures. She said it doesn't accurately reflect her character, and it's immersion breaking. She'll be with us next quest. Or next week, she's been in there a while.

-...Good.-

{So what are these?}

>That's the dice, sweetie.

{And these?}

>That's your character.

{This?}

>Character sheet.

{This thing?}

>That's the board.

{What about that?}

>That's Spike.

{Alright, I'm up to speed! I read the whole book so I can play with you guys.}

[If you slow us down you newbie, I swear I will betray you!]

{Oh my! What is your character wearing!?}

[It's plus fifteen gear, you scrub!]

{That's a thong and slut necklace!}

[It can take five points off a mana blast!]

{That couldn't block a stern wind!}

[My character is a succubus!]

{So's the real you, but you don't dress like a whore!}

[It's the only armor that they made for female characters! This game was designed by nerds!]

'I resent that, this is not one of my many fetishes. Speaking of, are you Cadence-Cadence or another Changeling? If the latter, you doing anything toni-'

{PFFFTHAHAHAHAHAH!}

'Never thought I would hate having so many girls playing with us.'

>That's actual Cadence, so please don't hit on my wife.

"Okay guys, starting out in a-"

-Roll for Shiny-Sex!-

{WHAT!?}

>In the game, sweetie.

{Oh.}

-Success! And I do believe you said you like it like thiiiis?-

{WHAT!?}

>My character, honey.

{Oh.}

-You want me to stop talking? This a little too... immersion breaking? You want to just watch? I can make the noises, just share your corndog real quick.-

>I WOULD RATHER DIE! MY CORNDOG!

{You sure that's not the real you? I know you hint at that sometimes.}

>No baby, it's just a character trait I picked at random. I never thought I would have to use it, so I didn't think about it.

{Oh, okay.}

>...

{Because you know why I don't do that right?}

>It's not a problem, Cadence.

{It's just, it always gets in my hair.}

>I know.

{And it's really hard to get out.}

>Don't need to explain it.

[No no, please, explain some more. In detail!]

{...Are you done yet? That'll do real damage to your throat if you do it too much, 18.)

-...OH! Uh, yeah. Yeah, we're done. Just let me roll the multiplier real quick andDON'TFUCKITUPDON'TFUCKITUP-

"...You okay?"

-...I am now! Yay! Boosts for everyone!-

[Sweet! Now, let's get going. There's something very... sepcial in this dungeon... muahah... muahahahah....ahHAH... AAAAHHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!]

>....

"..."

'...'

-...-

{...}

[...Ahem. I'll go first.]


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>SA
"Cadence"
'Chrysalis'
~~~~~~~~

>What's her problem?

"Obliques and Ogres just released a class based on Changelings."

>So why's she look so down?

"Well... they look like this."

>...Is that a-

'THEY MADE ME LOOK LIKE A CIRCUS STRIPPER!'

>They really, really did.

"On the positive side, you look like you would go for top bits for tricks."

'SCREW YOU!'

"I don't know, I don't think I have the six bits I need to afford you. Do you do discounts for candy canes?"

'EAT ME!'

"There's no way I can afford that. That's a whole ten bits."

'ARRRGGH!'

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>SA
"Chrysalis"
'AJ2'
~~~~~~

"You cheap little.."

>What's wrong, Chrissy? Isn't there something you want to ask me?

"You..."

>You know, regarding relations.

"You know I can't!"

>Why ever not?

"SHE'S RIGHT THERE!"

>Who? Oh! How silly of me. You mean Two.

"YES!"

>The Changeling with a childlike wonder and innocence that you just can't bring yourself to soil.

"YES!"

>Because even if you could, the giant smoke monster would throw something at you.

"YES YOU FU-"

>Language!

"GRRRRR!"

'Hey, Not-Mom! Wanna play with me? I've got crayyyyoooooons~!'

"...No!"

'But you can slip them in the little holes, see!?'

"No you ca-HOLY CRICKLE CRACKS! You can! This is amazing!"

'Told you!'

"Scooch over, I'm getting the blue one."

'But I like blue!'

"I need it to draw Shiny's hair!"

'Ooooohhh, okay!'

>...It's the little things in life.

'You're drawing really good, Not-Mom!'

"Pfft, obviously. Is it any surprise I'm a great artist?"

>Not at all, Chrysalis. Not at all.

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>Fancy Pants
"AJ 10"
~~~~~~~~

It was really a beautiful day in Canterlot, all things considered. Oh, what a time to have a walk in the luxurious park, amidst the sunshine, warm weather and gentle breeze. For all his wealth, Fancy simply could not get enough of these basic pleasures. So very little of the world around him even registered, he was lost in his own reverie.

He likely would have stayed that way, if he hadn't tripped on some banana peel some careless pony had tossed to the ground.

"Oh gosh, are you alright?"

In fact, his chin was smarting quite a bit, but he was never one to complain.

>Oh no, I'm quite alright, it's fine.

"Here! This'll help."

It was only now that the world stabilized enough that he could turn and face whomever he had been speaking too. He expected, from the voice, some young filly of some kind, not very old at all. He most certainly did not expect a Changeling holding a damp napkin out for him.

A week ago, he would have been hesitant, possibly even weary of anything offered to him from one of them, but after his recent discoveries...

>Oh, thank you miss...

"I'm Applejack 10! What's your name?"

>Pleasure to meet you, Ms 10. My name is Fancy Pants.

"Nice ta' meet you too! You sure you're okay?"

>Oh yes, nothing a bit of healing magic won't fix. My wife is quite skilled in the area.

"Neat!"

>Oh my, what is it you have there?

"Oh, this? This is my trusty camera! I'm a reporter, see? I interview ponies! And Changelings too. And Gryphons. Really, anybody who I can talk too, it's fun!"

>That... is a rather expensive looking camera, where ever did you get it?

"Oh! Shining Armor gave it to me. Good thing too, I don't think my old camera would work too well."

>Bit outdated?

"No, I think the problem was more that it was a cereal box on a stick. So he gave me this one!"

>Hmmm, very kind of him. Why do you want to be a reporter?

"Applejack number Princess said we need jobs, so I picked reporter."

>But why?

Though he would never say it out loud, Fancy could not help but think to himself how adorable she looked when her face scrunched up in thought.

"I guess cause it's so much fun talking to you guys. There's just... just so much stuff you know! Like, a bunch of stuff I never even thought about! And the Gryphons know stuff, and the sea ponies know stuff, and even Changelings know a whole bunch of stuff! And I want to hear that stuff, and show everyone else that stuff, so we all know that stuff! Cause... cause it's nice when you know what it's really like, not just what you think it is. But until you ask 'em... how are you supposed to know it? But it's hard to ask sometimes, so I'm gonna do it for them! Cause someone should... or else we're never gonna know."

>...Indeed. Say, would you like to interview me?

"Really!? That'd be great! Most ponies just yell at me and throw stuff. I'd love to talk to you!"

>Same, same... would you mind if I asked some questions as well?

"...About me?"

>Yes.

"But... I'm not really interesting."

>Well, my dear, I don't know about that. I haven't asked you anything yet. And if I don't ask, how will I know?

"...Okay! Sure! We can ask each other questions. This'll be really fun!"

>Indeed. Come, my dear, there is quite a lot I need to knoe.


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________


>SA
"Luna"
'Celestia'
~~~~~~~

"BEHOLD, WE-"

>OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT OUT!

"...Why, Shining Armor, it is almost as if you are unhappy to see us within your dream?"

>I AM VERY UNHAPPY GET OUT!

"Oh, as if thine weird little fantasies of clones of your wife phased us."

>SHUT UP!

"...What are you hiding over there?"

>NOTHING GET OUT!

"... is that Cadence?"

>NO! IT'S- UH- IT'S...

"...What is she wearing?"

>DON'T LOOK DON'T LOOK!

"...She looks like a circus stripper."

>DREAMPUNCH!

Elsewhere, clear over in Canterlot from the room she astrally projects into others dreams, Luna suddenly rocketed to the side as if struck by a wrecking ball fired by an even bigger wrecking ball as it exploded. The walls next to her might as well have been cardboard. It was only after many, many travels that she finally came to a stop.

'...Sister.'

"Celestia."

'Bad night?'

"Could've gone better."

'...Would you mind handing me the toilet paper?'

"Of course. Don't forget to flush."

~~~~~~

In case I was too vague, yes, she was wearing that bizarre outfit that the Chrysalis doll wears.

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>18
"Cadence"
'Chrysalis'
-SA-
[42]
~~~~~

"No, that totally clashes with that necklace!"

'I can pull it off!'

"I would hope you would do so, and then burn it."

'Oh you just-'

*SLAM!*

"...18? You okay?"

She, in fact, did not look okay. Her eyes were shifty, she was sweating slightly, and she looked like she had been running. Although, strangely, she did relax quite a bit when she saw the two of them.

>Fine! Everything is just... just fine! Perfect, in fact. Nothing wrong at all. Yep yep yep. Peachy. Peaches and Creme, that's how this is right here.

"...O... kay?"

'Do you hear something?'

>NO!... I mean, no! That's uh, just the song you clearly have stuck in your head. Hey, why don't we listen to that right now? Or get it out of your head with another song. Yes! That! And the only way to do that is to play another song louder, right? Let's play some music!

"No, I hear it too. What is that?"

>The sound of the need for us to go swimming, that's what that is! Come on, last one to the pool is a rotten larva!

'It sounds like... Shiny?'

>That's impossible! Shiny is out of the castle. Way, way out of the castle. Faaaaarrrr away! So very far away you would never hear him it's impossibleahahahah!

'...I'm going to go check it out.'

"Yeah, me too. He sounds weird.'

>...

*FWOOOSH!*

>Oh no! That curtain is on fire! We better deal with tha-

A pink shield formed around it, cutting off it's air and putting it out immediately.

>...

"Learned a few tricks while cooking. Come on, I need to investigate."

Ignoring the panicked 18, the two royals left. As they neared his office, his voice became quite a lot louder, and quite a lot more... distinct.

-OH YES! OHHHH YESSSS!-

The three paused just outside the door, listening to the... explicit sounds within.

-OH BABY YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE!-

[You like that?]

-GIMME MORE! Oooohhh right there! Not too rough, slowly, YEAH OH YEAH!-

[Damn, this is one hell of a workout! You're really solid!]

-DAMN RIGHT I AMMMMM!-

Slowly, they turned to 18.

>...I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think 29 is having sex with 42 in there. Yep. That's probably it. Most logical. Totally. Stop staring and lets walk away.

'18... You tried to keep this from us?'

>I... uh... p-please just shoot quick-

'Atta girl!'

You could hear her mind breaking.

>...Come again?

'Woo! A plus wingmanship, 18! Well, A plus for effort. In hindsight, we should have worked out some signals or something so I could have helped distract her. Boy, did she need more distracting! Listen to that!'

-RRR! YEAH! GET IN REAL DEEP! OH YEAH!-

[It won't go any deeper!]

-MAKE IT GO DEEPER!-

'Brings a tear to my eye.'

>...You're not mad?

'About... wait, did you think I would have a problem with this? Why?'

>S-she's your soldier, and she-

'Did your job. Which, by the way, making a note of that. You are so lucky I don't pay you, or I would take so much off your paycheck!'

>...Oh, right, you sent me here too... Okay, as mind blowing as you are, Cadence being just totally unfazed is really bothering me. Is she about to snap?

In fact, she was not. She only rolled her eyes, walked up to the door and flung it open. Inside was, well, sort of what 18 expected. Shining Armor was splayed out over his desk, but not quite pointed in the right direction.

"Shiny, honey, you're going to wake the dead."

-DON'T CARE! THIS IS THE GREATEST MASSAGE IN MY LIFE! IT'S THE BEST!-

[Told you, we're kind of magical.]

"Just try to keep it down, alright?"

With that, she closed the door and rolled her eyes at 18's aghast expression.

"Where were you in my middle school days? My friends sucked as wingponies."

'Bummer. Ah well, it IS 42, I should have probably expected she couldn't actually seduce anyone.'

With that, they left, leaving 18 sitting there in the hallway, mouth hanging open and eyes slightly narrowed.

>...I almost got shot over that.

The noises continued on, uncaring.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________


>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~~

>CELESTIA!

"What, no 'got a question' this time?"

>What in tarnation did you spend eighteen hundred bits on?

"Medical bills."

>Fer' what!?

"Mostly Changelings. Special care required some extra dough."

>...What did ya'll do?

"Set up some bugspray near my cakes."

>Tia!

"Oh, don't look at me like that, it didn't hurt them... unless ingested."

>Ah.

"Yeah, they thought it was spray on flavoring."

>And you-

"Ate about half of it before the convulsing started."

>...It's kind of all yer'-

"You know what? The six hours I spent on the john after that was punishment enough, thank you."

>...Ya' know what? Ah' agree.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

"Ugh... fine! You know why I have a heavy flamer for every single terminator squad? It's because of Chrysalis. I had to find something that could stop her gaunt hordes from reaching the back of my Land Raiders. Swapping out and gluing in new arms isn't really viable for me right now."

+++You should have picked Vindicators instead of Land Raiders. It's cannon would wipe out entire hordes charging across the field if placed correctly. All you need more is to take down fliers and the Hive Guard, the latter adequately dealt with assault cannons.+++

"Wait. How do you know what a Vindicator and Hive Guard is when your first army is the Pharaobots?"

+++Do you not expect me to read through the books to determine which race would be the most viable, thematically and stat-wise? I just said I needed a hobby to wile my time away.+++

"Okay. You have a fair point. I should buy a couple more Vindicators and Terminator Squads to swap out. If I get my next salary..."

+++If? Didn't you mean when?+++

"Oh. Well... I'm currently employed as the Captain of the Guard in here, the finances are being processed by my wife. Except she hasn't issued my paycheck for about three months. It's as if she doesn't even recognize I'm still alive..."

+++......+++

"You didn't just hand me a paper that reads dot dot dot dot dot dot."

+++I was thinking, I would rather stay in this retched form than being completely forgotten by the ones who know you.+++

"I guess I still have number two..."


_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________


>Applejack
"Celestia"
'Luna'
-18-
[Cadence]
{Chrysalis}
~~~~~~~

>Alright, now that we're all here, let's get down to business...

...

"...Uh, Applejack? You going to actually say something?"

>...Nobodies gonna interrupt me?

{Nah, let's hear it.}

[Yes, this will go faster if we actually get started.]

>...S-so we're just gonna actually talk about what's happenin' with the kingdom, and not get dragged off topic?

-Nope, let's get right to it!-

>No weird ideas, no crazy requests, no nothing? We're just gonna get stuff done in a quick and timely fashion, ensurin' we ALL get more free time?

{Applejack, really, can we get to it already?}

[Days wasting, come on!]

>...Ok! Well, first order o' business-

"Applejack? Are you really going to start the meeting wearing that awful old ratty undergarmets?"

>...

'What you need is new LIGHTSPEED XV PANITES™! Guaranteed to make you feel smarter, sleeker and more on your game! Lightspeed XV Panties™, for when the speed of light just isn't fast enough!'

>GOD DAMN IT LUNA!

'We needed the bits!'

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