Katelin Marie Morey,
The twilight hours after Tony and Will or Michael log off when I’m alone in my head is the hardest. It’s in my nature to avoid loneliness, if I don’t fill my time with cleaning or doing something mundane I start drinking and thinking – a tortuous combination. I told you I was alright. It’s true; I’ll be alright because I control the direction of my fate, but right now I’m delighting in something terrifying that is gaining momentum. There is no love without sacrifice. There is no sacrifice without suffering. There is no suffering without martyrdom. You and I are making martyrs out of ourselves in our own ways; we both think we’re paying for our sins but we’re nursing wounds of love. I chose to write to you because texting seems forced, like I have something to prove to you when I just want to be heard.
I shared and built expectations with you more than I have with anyone else. As I was reminded twice this morning, you do something to me that nobody else can. When I said we were lucky with each other, I mean that on my behalf I want to do things for us that I’ve never felt motivation to before with anyone. Likewise your reasons to being attracted to me can’t be quantified, it’s a polarity that you knew existed from the beginning and will remain forever, even with a broken collar. I realized it when I watched your Youtube resume video for the first time and you did when you saw me step off the Guzzi for the first time. However many stories you write, you won’t be able to erase the primacy of our intimacy and the soul bond we forged. Nobody can make you feel like I do, for better or worse my responsibility and irresponsibility will remain the determinants of your happiness from the opportunity costs alone. For this I hate what I’ve done, and not done. You gave me the key to your heart and I disowned it.
Your brother Michael and your dad are in my head, I let them both down. I didn’t just lie to you, I also promised them I’d take care of you. It’s impossible for me to simply let my lie go free like that, I’ll never reverse what I’ve done but I won’t rest with it still standing. Obviously it’s done but there isn’t another choice for me than to keep learning and applying, it’s all I can do now. There was an exchange in this lesson that I missed: I didn’t pass the Kansas Med interview because I mistakenly channeled a false projection of being the best instead of my own, of caring for and connecting with families that was cultured through you. When you brought me out of a pit and into your family my eyes were opened in so many ways. It was a gift being part of your family Christmas. Observing the models of your upbringing gave me a lot of insight into your value, the value that others put into you, and to the nature of our suffering. You are your parents, and I know yours were happier together despite the present they’ve built for themselves. They still love each other and always will, and live as martyrs to prove it. I never wanted you to be alone and apart from me. To me, caring for you means I want you to never have a fear of being abandoned when times are hard.
All I can do is learn, all I can ask for is patience. I knew I would love you forever over a year ago, last Spring. Even as I remind myself that my suffering is transient in the face of an eternal connection it doesn’t make the empty moments better. It doesn’t lessen my desire to ask how you’re doing, how you’re feeling, or to see you. It can’t recreate the feeling when you say my name, the only voice I enjoy hearing my full name from. Can’t change how empty my apartment is despite all my attempts to decorate, how in one day a home became just a place. I could fill literal pages with silly examples; my point remains that I’m experiencing this and I was the one who lied to you. I deserve it. This is the driver that pushes me forward when complacency ruined what I built with you, when no other would suffice. I am ashamed of it.
Like you said it was necessary for you to leave; everything happens for a reason. I can’t see the forest from the trees but I know the direction my path and your path leads from the truths that we’ve discovered about each other with our short time so far. There’s so much to say and a lifetime to say it. I miss you and I love you.
-	Nicholas Ryan Sciaroni