meditation guide

AGENT_NYCTO'S BULLSHIT FREE META GUIDE 3: HOW NOT TO MEDITATE LIKE A DUMBASS.

Oh... oh no.

We weren't going to do this again. We said we wouldn't. We made vows. Promices. We were threatened, berated, tortured...

...We're getting paid double? Corporate sponsorship?

WELL THEN.

The fedora crew hates them for being meta, and the wizardcaps hate them for being funny- It's the Bullshit Free Meta Guides, by yours truely.

In our pilot episode, we covered the basics of metaphysics and energy.

In the second episode, we talked about how to make a tulpa using dat wizard stuff.

And, in case your short term memory was wiped out already, this time we're going to cover the bare bones basics of meditation.

So sit down and shut up!

No, really. That's the idea.

BASIC FUCKING MEDITATION-


THE RIGHT PLACE:

Go someplace comfortable, and quiet. Turn of your fucking cell phone and get away from the computer. Make sure no one is going to come in and bother your ass while you're trying to do this shit, because it's hella annoying. Distractions will be, like, the shittiest thing for you when you try this, especially for the first time.

THE RIGHT TIME:

If you want to do it, just do it whenevers. If you want to meditate regularly, which is highly recomended, it's a good idea to do it at a regular part of your day. Most people do it either right after they wake up, or right before they go to sleep. Personally, I do it right after work (usually), because it helps me unwind.

HOW DO?

Get comfortable. Don't wear pain in the ass clothing. Take off glasses and earrings and shit, because that stuff WILL distract you. Some people like to sit, some people lay down, some people stand in poses and junk, but for the basic sort of meditation, you just get comfortable. It's cool, no one will judge you.

Now close your eyes.

Now pay attention to your breathing. The air going in, the air going out.

Pay attention to your breathing as long as possible.

That's fucking meditating. You done did it.

OMGPROBS WHAT DO?!

Ok, fine. Look, you are going to get distracted. A lot. This is going to happen. You're going to itch, you're going to want to mvoe around, and you're going to start thinking about other stuff. It happens, it's natchies.

Chill. Instead of beating yourself up and trying to fight them, just re-focus on your breathing. Trying to force the ideas away just makes them come back harder. Just shift your focus back and it will be cool.

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Ok, so why should you give the slightest of shits?

BECAUSE THIS SHIT HELPS WITH TULPAS (and other crap)

You can probably research all sorts of benefits meditation gives you, like better health or mental well being or lower stress or other crap.

WHO GIVES A SHIT?!

What you really want to know is how this will help with a tulpa, right?

How's this, knuckleheads. Learning how to calm your mind down and focus on only *one thing*, getting better at focusing, helps you focus on your tulpa. Freakin DUR. Even this most basic meditation technique helps with that.

Want to kick it up a notch? Try focusing on *one thought*. Like, apples. Just nothing but apples. This focused meditation is usually used for people to think of high minded shit like "being one with everything" and crap, but you can just focus the fuck out on apples. Same deal as before, don't worry if you think about not-apples, just re-shift your thoughts back to fuckin apples.

Try it with more complex shit, like, say, YOUR FUCKING TULPA.