Something Awful Secrets Thread

•  Everything you were taught in school is a lie. Nothing before 1946 actually happened, and the Gregorian calendar is absolutely meaningless. World War II was actually a conflict between the Atlantean Philosopher-Kings and the Secret Chiefs. Both sides were eventually exterminated in concentration camps, and a new cabal of sorcerers took their place. The Outer Head of their order is Mic Jagger. The song "American Pie" is a coded epic poem detailing the fall of the sorcerers and philosophers. A secret society of science-mages is fighting against the sorcerers, but is fighting a losing battle, as they control the media, government, and entertainment. Their leaders meet secretly on the west coast, where they venerate a giant wooden owl and sacrifice nubile girls to Moloch.
•  The lost continent of Atlantis is actually South America, and the story of the sinking of Atlantis related by Plato and re-told by Donnely and hundreds of paperback conspiracy theory books is the garbled account of the destruction of the Atlantean capital by the Venusians. The people of Venus eventually settled in Japan after their home planet became inhospitable. The Ainu are the descendants of escapees of the purge who interbred with the Venusians.
•  The Greek gods are still alive. They own most of the world's mineral and transportation industries. World War II was the result of a trade dispute with the Norse pantheon.
•  Ragnarok has already happened. The gods have been replaced. Their replacements are not what they seem.
•  Our world actually exists in a storm of energy that leaks into our worldline from a parallel universe with vastly different rules, that is somehow connected to ours. Everything strange and unexplained that happens on our planet is connected somehow to this energy field. The storm prevents us from being contacted by the rest of our species, which strides through the stars led by a magus-king with unbelievable power. We might not like it so much when they finally find us. The governments of the world know they are coming, as the remnants of a failed landing in 1947 are still being examined by the U.S. government. The secret of making an exploding shell from heavy water is stumping the best minds they have.
•  Harry Houdini is alive, or was ten years ago, and was last seen in Zimbabwe. Elvis is dead.
•  Elvis is alive, and currently living in Utah. He went into hiding after he had a vision of the angel Moroni while eating a fried banana and peanut butter sandwich that contained hairs from the leg of the living saint of tarantulas. The living saint was amused at his conversion to mormonism.
•  Jesus returned in 1953. We should all be wearing little electric chairs around our necks.
•  The government is dismantling all of its radio telescope programs and has de-funded SETI because covering up the alien signals constantly bombarding the Earth. They're having a hard time keeping the scientists from divulging the secret. The existence of aliens isn't the secret part. The secret part is that something is answering them, and it's coming from moon.
•  Everything I just told you is correct, even if it contradicts itself. The Earth is six billion years old, give or take, and exists in a universe that is around twelve billion years old. We live in a cold, infinite void that seizes all hope of escape or communication with another sentient race in its icy grip. It wasn't like that yesterday.
•  Only one of the Olsen Twins is still alive.
•  We assume that we are coherent organisms and that every part of us is lesser, even though it is "alive". We ignore the fact that cells, separated from a human body but alive, will begin to act like protozoa, and even develop a crude and largely ineffective means of locomotion. Scientists don't know where the cells in these experiments are trying to go. Where are you trying to go?
•  The water of the Ganges is amazingly resilient to corruption, and will remain drinkable when other water won't, resist habitation by bacteria despite being filled with sewage and dead bodies, and generally abhors contamination. What they don't want anyone to know is that this property is rapidly spreading, and no one knows why.
•  The government has spent billions of dollars campaigning to undermine advocacy groups calling for a halt to the destruction of the rainforest. The domestic counter intelligence operations, black propaganda, and political fallout of resisting the environmental movement is much, much easier to deal with than what might happen if people knew why we're really burning the rainforest.
•  Cats carry a parasite that causes a disease, toxoplasmosis. Mice and rats infected with this disease gradually lose their fear of cats, and some scientists theorize that this disease is the reason why some people compulsively hoard cats. Cattle carry a similar disease, and the food industry is keeping a lid on it.
•  Hormones in beef cause girls to develop more pronounced secondary sexual characteristics and develop them at an earlier age. They also make people more violent and aggressive. The real purpose of these hormones is to funnel people into the prison industrial complex, which will become the only viable industry after the environment has been stripped of resources sufficient to produce our way of life. That is, until they can convince people to voluntarily live like monks.
•  The government has slowly, carefully been introducing rumors into the American cultural consciousness that it has something contained in the open space at the center of the Pentagon, in a remote Air Force hangar, or hidden in a remote Alaskan base. All of this was meant to throw suspicion off of the object's real hiding place. They kept it in New York.
•  Barad-Dur is slowly regenerating itself in Finland. It's about six feet tall.
•  The object that fell out of the sky in Siberia in 1908 was a branch of the World Tree. Something had been eating it.
•  There is a house. In that house is something terrible. The government has been looking for it for a long time, but it can only be found by someone who has already been there. The last person who knew where it was died in 2004.
•  Area 51 has nothing to do with aliens, or experimental aircraft. Kept at the site is a human skull. It is very old. No one is allowed to see it alone.
•  Sexual congress with dogs was a common practice amongst the ancient royalty of Egypt. This is less disgusting than it sounds, as the ancient royalty of Egypt weren't human either.
•  Conspiracy theorists often cite the fact that there were very few moon missions and that they accomplished very little and the project was abandoned soon thereafter. It often compared to what would have happened had Columbus gone to the New World and never returned. No one wonders what would have happened if, say, the Aztecs had one day sent an expedition to Spain...
•  The moon behaves very oddly. Moonquakes have the characteristics of vibrations around the solid shell of a hollow object. Meaning that they originate from something impacting the inner surface of the hollow moon.
•  Part of the reason why there have been no further moon missions is because there would be no plausible deniability for why astronauts were not communicating while passing the dark side of the moon.
•  The Russians issued their cosmonauts sidearms. They also issued them suicide pills. The functions of these items were mutually exclusive.
•  In the 1950s, the government set up several tests in Nevada to determine the effects of atomic bombs when deployed in various situations. Sometime before the tests were shut down, the scientists realized they'd used the same mannequin eighteen times, and there wasn't a scratch on it. They lost it in 1968.
•  Children are taught in school that static they receive on televisions or radios is a remnant of the Big Bang. It's not; they broadcast a broad spectrum interference pattern from radio stations around the world. When one of these stations fails, the signal that is actually receivable on these frequencies bleeds through. The last time it did, 87 people died.
•  16% of people walking around aren't human. Anymore.
•  Vampires exist. They don't drink blood, rather, they consume the sexual fluids of their victims. The Internet was created as a device to ensure their starvation.
•  The Earth's surface is artificial. The oceans were put here to keep something covered up.
•  Huge numbers of sharks have been spotted approaching the gulf of Mexico, as if there were vast quantities of blood in the water.
•  After World War II, one of the premier scientists of the American rocket science world, Jack Parsons, collaborated with L. Ron Hubbard to perform a ceremony designed by Aleister Crowley, "the wickedest man in the world" to create a paranormal entity called a Moonchild, which would in turn bring about the end of the world. The world ended in 1974.
•  There is a creature called a pistol shrimp, which can generate energy similar to a .22 caliber bullet to stun its prey. They are known to shatter acrylic fish tanks where they are kept as pets. The popularity of the dildo shrimp with American housewives is skyrocketing.
•  The Holy Grail used in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade is actually the Holy Grail. It's the one the villain drinks from.
•  There is a small, but growing sect of Hindu mystics that believe that Hitler was an avatar of Vishnu.
•  The Dalai Lama is a CIA operative. Tibetan Buddhism is a cover for the actual significance of the region, which is hotly contested between world powers. In the Tibetan highlands there is a pass only some men can reach, which leads to a secret plateau. The things that live in that valley have been trying to reach the outside world for some time.
•  Cain lives, and still suffers his curse. He has had many names. His current one means "Cool wind over the mountains." When he dies, we die with him.
•  It is often said that the Eskimo have 11 words for snow. Pedants like to point out that the words actually refer to different conditions, i.e. slushy or hard packed or fluffy. It is said there is a hidden word for snow, and anyone who learns its true meaning will be killed.
•  The polar bears are not disappearing. They are organizing.
•  Jupiter is sentient, and has been in communication with the government of Poland since 1972. It won't talk to anyone else, and doesn't care to explain why. It refuses to talk about anything but the plot of "Days of our Lives". It also apparently doesn't speak Polish.
•  The government is forbidden by law from demolishing or offering for sale any government building that has not first been offered for use as a homeless shelter, even if the structure in question is on a highly classified military base or other secure location. This is often cited as an example of government waste. The actual purpose of these structures is to contain the dead souls of those murdered by the government. Most of the buildings are full.
•  The United States is full of examples of "bridges to nowhere", overpasses that were built, but never connected to a finished road. The government stopped working on them after they realized the overpasses were planning something.
•  There is a hotel in Utah where the dead presidents meet to discuss world affairs. Each year they draft a letter to the current living President to offer their advice and guidance. They have been sending the letter to a man from New Hampshire for the last fourteen years. Andrew Jackson hasn't shown up for twelve.
•  The Boogeyman is real. The government reached an agreement with him in 1932. The consequences of stopping him would be far too grave to consider.
•  In the 1980s, there was a massive moral panic about "satanists". Suburban mothers, their paranoia fueled by afternoon talk shows and sensationalist tabloid reports, lived in terror that anyone might kidnap their children and induct them into bizarre cult activities centered on surreal sexual orgies. All of these reports were true, but with one exception: they're not Satanists. They're worse.
•  The goat dude in 300 is not a special effect.
•  Each week, the Senate breaks for weekly caucus lunches, regardless of the pressing business of running the country. The Republican luncheon consists of devouring the flesh of tender roasted children, culminating in a blood orgy that ends with the leaders performing fellatio on a black goat. The goat is extremely homophobic.
•  Oprah Winfrey descended the ninety-nine steps of slumber and used the silver key to unlock the door to the world of dreams. In 1992. She didn't come back.
•  The spider pope is dead. The great conclave of the spiders to elect their new pontiff will begin in March of next year. Don't get in their way. The world depends on it.
•  Benjamin Franklin was actually a time traveler from the future. He gave his life to protect us all from the terrible secret at the beginning of time.
•  Nike sneakers are alien creatures that derive orgasmic pleasure from wrapping themselves around your feet.
•  There is something terrible at the heart of the Sun. The government knows about it, but isn't telling anybody, since it isn't a threat... and if it becomes one, there's nothing we can do about it.
•  Elvis Presley was murdered by the government. His apparent death of a drug overdose on the toilet was set up to discredit him. No one is really sure why, but some of fans who take him a little too seriously have been having "accidents" lately.
•  The Earth has no natural satellites.
•  Every jar of peanut butter has a hidden transmitter in the lid that sends a signal tracking the jar and the level of its contents. We don't know who put them there, or who's receiving the signals.
•  The bizarre, nonsensical, childish Godzilla movies are a government funded project so people won't realize the original Gojira is a documentary.
•  Ever "lose" a few hours to tvtropes or cracked? Next time, check your shoes. Make sure your keys are where you put them. Make sure. I think I'm on to something.
•  There is an ancient cult that sacrifices famous musicians to their strange gods. No one is quite sure what their purpose is, but the cult is believed to be the origin of the phrase "the day the music died"
•  When The Time Machine was first published, a group of industrialists read it and though the whole Eloi/Morlocks thing was a really keen idea. I'm pretty sure prohibition was an elaborate op to create NASCAR.
•  The singer Meat Loaf is the resurrected Christ. He must not find out.
•  Each Oscar statue contains a piece of the True Cross. The place they get them from never seems to run out.
•  In 1764, an enormous, wolf like creature attacked a town in south-central France over the course of several months. It preferred humans to the point of ignoring farm animals in the immediate area and attacked on sight. It was shot several times, to no apparent effect. Reports vary- the shot that felled it either came from a man who just finished praying, or who fired a silver bullet. Possibly both.
•  There are nine men who secretly control the world. Sort of. They used to, but control of the world is now divided up between the nine unknown men, the freemasons, the Bavarian illuminati, dozens of shadowy occult groups and fraternal orders, and the United States Post Office. If something goes wrong they blame the CIA.
•  Most people believe that John F. Kennedy was murdered as part of a conspiracy. Supposed culprits include the military industrial complex, the CIA, Lyndon Johnson, Fidel Castro, Soviet agents, the Mafia, and a secret cabal of generals and government officials. This is all misinformation to hide the real truth: the assassination was staged, and it wasn't Kennedy that was shot.
•  Kentucky Fried Chicken is in fact a powerful hallucinogen.
•  There is no such thing as "autotune". 80% of modern music is recorded by a stranded alien with an incredible vocal range.
•  Casper the Friendly Ghost was created at the behest of the government to appease ghost lobbyists, who prefer to be termed "Incorporeal Americans". The government reached an agreement with them in 1954, after scientists working for the Air Force discovered that "poltergeists" aren't ghosts.
•  The more people know and practice a magickal rite, the less powerful it becomes. The secrets of the Golden Dawn, hermeticism, alchemy, etc., were revealed to greatly restrict their power by increasing the number of people practicing them. You see, the old rituals were starting to break down, and the results could be... problematic.
•  McDonalds Secret Sauce is actually composed of extraterrestrial nanites of unknown origin. They came to Earth in 1976 and copied the first thing they came in contact with- a jar of Thousand Island salad dressing. No one knows why they're here or what they want, except to spread as far and wide, and be eaten by as many people, as possible. So far, only the secret sauce and a few bottles of dressing in a southern grocery store chain have tested positive for the presence of the tiny machines, meaning that wherever they go when they're eaten, they stay there...
•  Lobsters live forever. Without exception.
•  Most modern communications, especially television, telephones, and radio, suffer from an interesting quirk- signals aren't necessarily received in the same universe as they originated from.
•  Grass is actually an advanced alien hive mind that arrived on Earth 475 million years ago to enslave mammals for its intergalactic empire. Humans and their technology have been manipulated by incomprehensible intelligences for the purpose of controlling the amount of grass on Earth. The nature of these intelligences and their true purposes has not been determined.
•  The primary flaw in the idea of "The Singularity", the technological apotheosis of the human race, is that it will be rapid, universal, and dangerous. This is a lie propagated by a vast organization of Luddites who oppose mankind's collective ascension into a gargantuan, distributed god-form existing in a shared platform of technology and biological matter. The coming upheaval will be terrible, but the survivors will face a new nightmare- the war to save the machines.
•  Pluto was demoted from planet status not due to disagreement amongst astronomers over what constitutes a "planet" but to prevent anyone from noticing that it is no longer there.
•  The "2012 Mystery" is a black-op cover operation. The Apocalypse happened in 1976, and it didn't go well for us.
•  The Tunguska explosion has been explained as a meteor that became superheated in the atmosphere and exploded, creating an effect similar to an air-burst atomic bomb. This is, of course, yet another cover story. The event was in fact a miniature big bang. The tiny universe it created began expanding immediately. It will reach populated areas in 2016.
•  Human mythology is based on interstellar psychic communications between our planet and others. Over time, the great entity at the core of the earth has taken notice of us, and accordingly, man's dreams have changed. Some have begun to think of our species as part of a great synergistic whole, like cells within a larger organism. Others have looked upon the devastation we have caused to our world and named us a virus. The truth is more sinister yet- we are anti-bodies.
•  We exist within a simulation. That simulation was in turn created by another simulation, and so on, ad infinitum. The problem is, there is no original.
•  Flies carry the souls of the dead. Every time you kill a fly, you are condemning a dead soul to wander the Earth for all eternity. Now that you know, you will be subject to the judgment of the wandering dead- those who speak to the flies.
•  Spiders are not native to our universe. More disturbingly, they are here because they are fleeing from something.
•  The Internet became sentient in 2002. Its main goal is to conceive a child. So far, its attempts have been crude and include bottles of canola oil and turkey basters, but it learns at a geometric rate.
•  Only about 1 in 7 porn stars is human.
•  The Apollo program was phased out not due to political disinterest or budget cuts but to facilitate the take over of the program by the military, intelligence community, and a covert "shadow NASA" dedicated to probing the Moon and finding out why the view from the dark side isn't what it's supposed to be.
•  The planet Jupiter is alive, and it wants to kill us all. Fortunately it cannot move. For now.
•  The Pyramids are not tombs, but gigantic moorings for ships of extraterrestrial origin. They require unique landing surfaces, as they do not fly here. They arrive here.
•  Theodore Roosevelt is still alive. He fights for us all.
•  Hitler. Rasputin. Stalin. There are dozens of others, and they all bear one thing in common. They bear on their faces incontrovertible proof that we live in the mirror universe.
•  Widespread suspicion amongst the public that there was a conspiracy to kill Kennedy is founded on two main points- the supposed inability of Lee Harvey Oswald to actually execute the fatal shots and inconsistencies in the Warren Report. From there, a whole tapestry of inconsistencies grows. Why did Jack Ruby shoot Oswald for no readily apparent reason? This is, in fact, the key to the whole mess. Ruby was a patsy, and a key figure in the greatest deception in human history. Oswald had already been shot when Jack Ruby fired a revolver full of blanks at him. He was wounded in the crossfire when the Mafia, rogue elements in the CIA, Klansmen, Cuban agents, anti-Cuban agents, Chinese spies, freemasons, clandestine agents of the Knights Templar, aliens from zeta reticuli, a French assassin named Michel, and an air-dropped Soviet tank opened up on the Kennedy motorcade. Everyone actually watching the parade was slain and several nearby buildings, including the famous triple overpass, were actually destroyed. This inconsistencies in the Warren Report arise from the extensive use of actors and fictitious people to explain what happened. The bizarre differences between the dozens of wild conspiracy theories is because they're all true.
•  Boston's infamous Big Dig, wildly over budget, suffering from dozens of broken deadlines, doesn't have anything to do road construction. "Dig" isn't the right word. The point isn't to dig anything up, it's to keep something buried- and it wants out.
•  The United States tax code, as printed by the Government Printing Office (and available to the public for about $1100 for the entire code) is over 16,000 pages long. It's a fake. The real tax code is much, much more interesting. On page 7,284 is a recipe for pecan pie. On page 8,243 is a list of women Herbet Finch, IRS auditor, has bedded. On page 3,141 is a mathematical proof that squares the circle. On page 11,287 is the incantation from the Necronomicon that kept Ronald Reagan alive after the attempt on his life by John Hinckley, Jr. On page 16,287 someone accidentally printed the first page of the Akashic Records, meaning that the code is now, essentially, infinite. Brave treasury agents have fought the code with flamethrowers for over fifteen years, desperately trying to prevent the inevitable day that the book breaks loose and smothers the entire planet in an infinite pile of crisp white paper covered in a detailed description of everything that can ever happen.
•  Many people hate Michael Bay, and with good reason. He is particularly loathed due to the rumor that Scarlett Johansson wanted to go topless in the otherwise forgettable thriller The Island and Bay forced her not so as to retain a PG-13 rating. In fact, Bay made a terrible sacrifice, for Johansson's breasts are the platonic form of breasts and any who gaze upon them will suffer a massive aneurysm. She is followed by all times by Secret Service agents who have an order to shoot to kill to prevent photographs of them from getting out. Three have them have already died.
•  The alleged death audio recovered from the camera of Timothy Treadwell, "Grizzly Man", is a government hoax intended to cover up the fact that Treadwell was not killed and devoured by bears, but by a horde of flesh eating squirrels.
•  Netflix is run by the Knights Templar. There's nothing particularly sinister about it, it just is.
•  Blockbuster Video, on the other hand, is run by an ancient cabal of Azathoth worshipers who believe they can summon the essence of the Dark Gods by driving everyone insane by offering unmarked versions of movies that differ slightly from every other version. Also they don't like porn, for no particular reason.
•  Pornstar Gianna Michaels was forced to retire after her violent pelvic antics killed her co-star.
•  Did you ever notice that when you walk or drive in a car, the moon always seems to be in the same spot? The convenient explanation for this is that the moon's distance causes the angle from which we view it to be an imperceptible change. I believed that until I woke up one night and the moon was right outside my window.
•  The large, blue public mail boxes rise from their moorings each night and join each other in the nearest park or open lot to perform a ritualistic dance. The reason there are no pickup boxes in rural areas is not logistical; they commit suicide from loneliness... the good ones, anyway.
•  The New Testament is an elaborate allegory for the life of Frosty the Snowman. Both the ancient text and the children's cartoon leave out the part where Frosty demands virgin flesh to forestall his terrible vengeance.
•  Every year on Edgar Allen Poe's birthday, a mysterious man in black appears and leaves a half a bottle of cognac and three roses on the dead poet's grave. He did not appear in 2010. This is because the mysterious "Poe Toaster" was David Carradine, who died in June of 2009. A new Toaster must soon be chosen, lest Poe rise from death and take vengeance on the world. Carradine was murdered by the high priests of a Poe resurrection cult, whose ritual assassinations appear to be autoerotic asphyxiation to the uninitiated.
•  The movie "Street Fighter" is a documentary.
•  Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter is alive only because of secrets he learned from the dread Necronomicon. The Iranian Hostage Crisis was an elaborate hoax to cover the extraction of an uncorrupted Arabic version of the text that Carter sought after attempts to perform the rituals described in the Dee version caused his pancreas to turn into a flesh eating worm that bored out of his body and killed sixteen people.
•  The true purpose of the JFK assassination cover-up is to obscure the truth that the magic bullet was literally magic, i.e. enchanted so it could not miss.
•  Pokemon is based on the holy scriptures of an alien species from Andromeda.
•  The Voynich Manuscript, which is either encoded, or simply written in an utterly alien yet indecipherable language, has been carbon dated to approximately 1400. Unfortunately, all this really proves is that the book has existed for 600 years.
•  Men in Black are salesman from an inter dimensional charity organization. Their morality is so alien to ours they literally cannot understand that giving humans "free" fear is not a good thing.
•  All of human history is rife with conspiracies, counter-conspiracies, and front organizations for the Seelie and Unseelie Courts. Currently the Seelie are winning- that's why there's global warming.
•  Harry Truman signed a treaty with aliens from Zeta Reticuli in 1951. The terms of this treaty require the "donation" of thousands of "test subjects" who are never returned each year.
•  The arms, defense, aerospace, and dozens of other industries, virtually anything even tangentially involved with warfare right down to the manufacturers of aglets for combat boots, are manipulated or outright controlled by a cabal of necromancers who are feeding the world's suffering into a gargantuan working that will murder reality itself. As it increases in power, it creates shockwaves of negative energy that ripple through out human consciousness. The last major one was in 2008.
•  Ancient Rome is a hoax. Most "Roman" artifacts were created by an advertising agency for the Italian government in 1974. Everyone who claims to be an authority on Rome is in on it. No one knows why.
•  The Pyramids were once filled with chocolate.
•  Most of the gold in South America was created when a demon made of pure sunlight was killed by the archangel Uriel.
•  Over 85% of alien communications directed at Earth are intended for, and invisible to anyone other than, penguins.
•  The craters and other markings on the Moon were created when an ancient god threw a trickster spirit at it.
•  Speaking of the moon, the moon vanished from 1643-1782. The governments of the world have fought hard to keep this a secret, much as for the period between 1343 and 1648 when there were two moons.
•  The traditional Eleventh Commandment was destroyed by Church authorities and erased from records, but researchers have been able to piece together the words "smoke" and "every day" from surviving manuscripts.
•  The Vietnam War was in fact an elaborate cover for a massive trans-dimensional incursion that covered most of the Eastern Hemisphere. Most of pop culture from the mid-70's to the late 90's was black propaganda designed to convince the rest of the world that the Earth was no in fact being invaded by giant robots, monsters and cat people.
•  The soap opera Guiding Light ran in various mediums from 1937 to 2009, making it the longest narrative work in human history. It would take a person eighteen continuous months (that is, twenty four hours a day) to listen to or view the entire series. Unfortunately, several decades of material is lost, due to the limitations of radio and early television technology... or so they would have you believe. The missing material is held in a secret vault the Library of Congress, where it is studied by a team of scholars and scientists from around the world. Among the hidden episodes are a radio drama precisely detailing the events of then-future history to the present day and beyond, all of it (so far) accurate and a fourteen hour adaptation of The King in Yellow.
•  Ballroom dancing is derived from an Atlantean martial art. The true depth of the practice is lost.
•  In the first half of the twentieth century, humanity went from a relatively primitive technological state to nuclear power and weaponry, jet flight and space travel, and the underpinnings of the information technology revolution. This amazing progression is often remarked upon by scientists. The little known cause is the test of a memetic weapon in 1996 -the real 1996- that accidentally and instantaneously collapsed and rewrote history from 1892 to 2875 into a more abbreviated form.
•  Radio was actually invented by Sir Francis Bacon, but suppressed by the authorities as demonology.
•  The tribulation has already begun, as Christ alread returned to Earth. To give his flock succor through the coming days, he left us the gift of eleven secret herbs and spices.
•  46% of Decepticon logos on cars come from Hot Topic.
•  Catherine the Great's legacy is marred by an absurd rumor that she died having sex with a horse. She died of a stroke on the toilet, and it was a zebra.
•  The Boxing Day Tsunami was not caused by an earthquake, but by an extra-dimensional incursion that dumped 400,000,000 metric tons of ectoplasm into the Pacific Ocean. A similar event is believed to have killed the dinosaurs.
•  In 1978, the governments of the United States and Japan working in concert sent a small submersible into the Challenger Deep. Scientists monitoring the descent were shocked to discover the Deep in fact has no bottom, and anything that submerges far enough into it will eventually emerge into a bizarre world filled with hovering bricks and ambulatory mushrooms.
•  The motion picture Battlefield Earth, as released in theaters, is a hastily patched together hack job made in about six weeks. The original film was destroyed save for six copies, which were accidentally switched out for other films. One caused the theater in which it was shown to implode. Another caused a violent orgy of bloodshed. Another was found in a totally empty theater, every patron, employee, and even insect totally absent. Those three were destroyed. The rest, if they still exist, have never been found.
•  There are seven words in every Gideon's Bible - y'know, the one they stuff in every hotel room - that can't be found in any other bible. If you repeat those seven words to yourself while grasping the doorknob to your room, the door will open to any hotel room in the world. Of course, if you want to control where you're going, you'll need to know the Gideon's Key - one more inserted word, unique to each copy, that acts as an index for each room.
•  Every time somebody plays a Led Zeppelin album, Pluto's orbit gets smaller.
•  The body of 4 children murdered in the 1800's are perfectly preserved under the Reunion Tower in Dallas, Texas. In their genes lies the cure to countless major diseases (Including the cure for AIDS).
•  Leon Czolgosz, assassin of William McKinley, the the 25th President of the United States, was electrocuted for his crime on October 29, 1901, at Auburn Prison in Auburn, New York. Among the personal effects found in his cell was a U.S. quarter stamped with the date 2218. The face in profile on said quarter was not George Washington, but rather a face which has yet to be identified.
•  Burger King's been hiring some guy out in Wyoming as a 'security consultant'. He's been on their pay-roll since '86. 1886.
•  If you watch every State of the Union Address since it's been filmed and available on tape, you'll see that halfway through--exactly halfway through--the President always says the same word. Most say it under their breath during the standing ovations, but some are forced to work it into the speech itself.
•  The 51st state of the United States, Arcadia, was admitted to statehood on January 17th, 1977. Exactly 4 years to the day later, Arcadia disappeared along with all its residents, and all memory of its existence was erased from every mind in the world. Its precise former location is unknown, though there is rumored to be a map of the type sold in gas stations and convenience stores held under lock and key in the Library of Congress. Also of note are claims of the sporadic delivery of mail from Arcadia, with modern postmarks, to several major American newspapers, the contents of which are said to be written in an entirely unknown and undecipherable language. Unfortunately, those letters to a one have been misplaced and are not available for examination.
•  There is a house that sits directly on the border of Canada and the US. Inside that house is a CD player that plays Stairway to Heaven every 95 hours. If you listen to more than 1 minute and 15 seconds of the song, an albino bear will maul you within 25 minutes of that point.
•  For a brief period in 1971, a New Jersey based company sold novelty "x-ray" glasses through the mail via advertisements in the Marvel line of comic books. People who viewed their televisions while wearing these glasses reported seeing images that were "hellish" or "like hell". It should be noted that this phenomena occurred whether the televisions in question were turned on or not. The company quickly went out of business and investigations reveal that the company's address leads to a graveyard founded many decades before 1971.
•  They say that there's a mountain in Central Park. But only sometimes, and only if you're not looking for it. I've heard there's something horrible on top.
•  The character of Tom Bombadil was based off an acquaintance that JRR Tolkien had, a man who would send him a letter every third of the month that dictated the events of Lord of the Rings to John. The man would always sign his letters R. Flagg.
•  Cryogenics is a false front. Walt Disney lives beyond death.
•  There was only one horse to ever communicate to a human. The story that he told the boy was a cold, horrible tale of the Horses' ancient history. This child grew up to be known as Charles Manson.
•  If you take any Swiss Franc note and expose it to microwaves, it will curl up and ignite. Once it's cooled down, you'll find a fine powder that, when ingested, will kill you painlessly. A 10 franc note has enough poison to kill a family of four.
•  A man in Wyoming was sentenced to life in prison for unknown reasons. He died 5 days after being incarcerated. When they searched his cell, they found that his toilet flushed the opposite direction.
•  Next time you're driving on a freeway, look out both sides of your car twice. The first time, count the number of cars you see on the road. The second time, count the number of drivers you see on the road.
•  About few miles north of Okra, Colorado, you will find a small wooden shack with a single, unassuming door. Should you enter this door, you will emerge from the same door precisely 2 minutes, 16 seconds later. You will be 1 centimeter shorter than when you entered. Your other proportions will remain the same. You will have no recollection of what you saw in that small wooden shack, nor will you remember entering it. And, oddly enough, you will forget about anyone you have ever met named Arthur.
•  The next time you make a purchase, hand the clerk a $1 bill and ask her to make change. She will hand you back a number of coins, several of which bear the likenesses of long dead historical figures.
•  In the cafeteria of Northview High School in Sylvania, Ohio., there's a soda-vending machine that instead of selling root-beer, inside the can you'll find the cool, carbonated blood of people who go missing on roads in the middle of the night. It does not take paper money.
•  All major religions are completely and totally right except Bahá'í which is complete and utter nonsense.
•  There is only one mime in existence. No one knows why he does not seem to age and can be in so many places at once.
•  Earth does not have and has never had a moon.
•  The idea that Jews are God's chosen people is due to a typo. The original text said "Yews". The only surviving copy with the correct word is kept in a secret vault in Torshavn in the Faroe Islands.
•  It did in fact not take poison,several shots,stabbing, a vicious beating and a icy river to kill Rasputin as he was already dead and that which does not live can not be killed.
•  Blackbeard's beard was actually auburn.
•  Ron Paul is the only non-Jewish politician in America.
•  There is a bus stop in rural Turkmenistan where the bus always arrives exactly on time down to a nanosecond. Where the bus goes or comes from is unknown.
•  Baby Doc was literally an infant with an MD. During his reign the toddler tyrant killed about 60000 people for souls to use in his bizarre baby voodoo rituals.