Janitor Anon's Improbable Adventures II

>It's Wednesday
>Every Wednesday you empty out the bins from the upper floors of the castle
>The private areas don't see much traffic (kek) so there isn't a whole lot of work
>You've just finished, and you've now got a trolley full of black bin bags
>Time to professionally use the service elevator to take them down to the sorting area at the rear of the palace, and carefully sort all the rubbish into the correct bin
>Or, you could do it the Anon way.
>The Anon way involves riding down the service stairway on your trolley, all the way to the basement, then throwing the bags down a big hole in the ground
>You found the hole a few weeks ago, and it's saved you time on a load of jobs. Anything that needs disposing of, it just goes straight down the bottomless pit.
>Well, it's not bottomless but is a long drop. You can't see the bottom, and anything you drop makes a thud after about 5 seconds.
>Your way is more fun. It's also more efficient, since it's one hell of a lot closer than the official rubbish sorting area.
>Yep, your way it is.
>A few minutes later, you're at the spiral stairway that's used only by the maintenance staff
>You leave the trolley in the corridor as you peak down the stairs
Hello? Anyone coming up?
>You wait a second
Because you're going to need to get out of the way. I'm about to ride the rubbish trolley down, and a collision would likely kill one or both of us
>Safety first
>Satisfied no one's coming up, you turn to leave the stairway but are surprised to hear a voice calling out
>"Hello? Sorry, I see I've missed the bin collection, but I just wondered if you... could..."
>The voice trails off as you step out of the stairwell
>It's Celestia
>You smirk
>She's been spilling maximum amounts of spaghetti every time you're around her, ever since the whole assassin fiasco
>Her mouth opens and closes for moment
>"Uh, Anon, I-I..."
>She's levitating a black bin bag
>It's obviously rubbish
>You lean against the door frame with one arm, casually tucking the other into your pocket
>Shooting her a winning grin, you raise an eyebrow
Got something there for me, Celly?
>She starts a little
>"Oh, uh, yes! This, it's rubbish-"
>You reach out and take the bin bag
>Odd, it's only got one thing in it, round, and quite big
>"- but don't open it, it's-"
>You tear the bag open, and try peek inside. Celestia tries to stop you, wrenching the bag out of your grasp
>Between your firm grip and her telekinesis, the bin bag tears open, and its contents drop to the floor with a splat
>It's a cake... WAS a cake
>A whole Victoria Sponge, with a load of icing
>Now it's just another mess for you to clean up
>You sigh at Celestia, who's turned beet red
>"I-I'm sorry Anon, I-"
Do you want ants, Celestia?
>She casts her eyes downward as you point at the splattered cake
Because that is how you get ants.
>Her head still hanging, she looks up at you, her voice a little hurt
>"Sorry Anon... but I did say not to open it."
>Yep, but you wanted to see what she was throwing away
Oh, I thought you said "DO open it"
>She shakes her head
>"I was... experimenting. Trying to create a cake with a negative calorie content!"
>That sounds incredibly stupid
I'm pretty sure that's not how food works.
>She nods
>"I blasted it with high energy magic for an hour, but now the cake's irradiated with it. Eating the cake would have highly unpredictable effects! You could grow an extra head or something!"
>Grow an extra head?
>That actually sounds pretty awesome. Perhaps you could scrape up a little and-
>NO, what the hell are you thinking? You'd have to update your entire wardrobe, your current clothes only have one neck hole.
>Celestia's still standing there, staring at you
>Time to mess around with her a bit
Well, I'm just glad it was the bag that tore, and not my janitor's outfit!
>She swallows
>"Your... your outfit?"
Yeah, imagine that! I'd be stood here, practically naked for the whole world to see!
>You're wouldn't be, you have clothes on underneath but it's funny watching Celestia squirm
And imagine if the bag had torn too! My toned, naked body would be slathered in icing!
>Her mouth is hanging open slightly
In fact, I'd probably be annoyed with you, and do you know what I'd make you do?
>She gives a minute shake of her head
I would make you lick me clean.
>You lean in and whisper into her ear
Every. Last. Inch of me.
>With that, she closes her eyes and you'd swear you hear her moan
>You lean away, she comes back to her senses
>"Sorry, I-I've just remembered, I, uh, I..."
>She spins on the spot and practically runs off, tail held low over her behind
>"...Bye Anon!"
>Well, you're glad she left before you drowned in spaghetti
>You glance down at the cake
>Better clean all this up and chuck it out with the rest
>For a moment, you wonder if throwing the supposedly magically irradiated cake down a random hole is a good idea
>Eh, what's the worst that could happen?

~

>All you know is darkness.
>Darkness and hunger
>Hunger not for yourself, but for your queen, your Nest.
>Your queen is always hungry
>Her children are always hungry
>You feel an impact nearby
>More impacts
>New food?
>You move toward it
>You feel your brothers and sisters moving too
>They are in your mind
>You are in theirs
>Together you are The Nest
>You were right
>Food
>You taste it
>Sticky food
>Sweet food
>Jam. Cake.
>Good food
>Good food for the queen
>Good food for The Nest
>It will make the queen grow strong
>It will make The Nest grow strong
>It will make YOU grow strong
>You are The Nest
>You're momentarily struck by how repetitive it is being an ant, but the thought soon passes
>Take food to queen
>It will make her strong
>All around you is the darkness
>Within you, the hunger

~

>You clap your hands as the last of the rubbish disappears down the pit
>That's that sorted then
>What was next?
>You check your job list as you head back to your janitor's cupboard
>Clean the statues in the statue garden
>Remove the suspicious stains from Luna's carpet, AGAIN
>And finally you have to put some ant poison down in the kitchens
>The ponies were squeamish about killing things, choosing to try to capture the ants, or deter them
>Gaaaaay
>You carried a big old tub of ant poison on your janitor's cart
>Though to be fair, there isn't much you don't carry on that old thing
>Anyway, since you finished your first job about an hour early, time to go enjoy a nap in your janitor's cupboard
>Stepping inside, you check out your pad
>It's in two halves, the old bit and the new bit
>The old bit is the original cupboard. It's cramped, dingy and full of janitor things.
>After a few weeks here, you'd worked out that there was a disused room adjacent
>You'd smashed in a new doorway, and found an old, empty room that must have been bricked up and forgotten about
>That room makes up the second part of your janitor's cupboard, the new part
>You push through the bead curtain, and into the second room
>This is your secret base, and you've put a lot of (the palace's) money into doing it up exactly how you like
>The walls are all purple, and the light casts a pink glow over everything
>You've got a chaise longue you borrowed from one of the palace's reception rooms
>There's a sound system for playing chill tunes, and loads of pieces of art
>Basically, anything you like around the palace you just 'remove for cleaning'
>It ends up here, in what you like to think of as your Love Pad
>Not that you'd every bring anyone in here, that would ruin the sanctity of the place
>This place is sacred, holy to you
>You grab a porn mag from a bookshelf and throw yourself into your chaise
>Playcolt. Your favourite.
>You've got time for a quickie before your nap...



>You wake up with a yawn and check your watch
>Perfect. You napped for exactly an hour
>You get up, and stretch
>Time to clean those statues up
>You grab your janitor cart and head out into the corridor
>You stop
>It's a mess, debris everywhere
>There's no one about
>You shrug
>Probably a perfectly good explanation
>Pushing your janitor's cart through the deserted halls, you stop and look out a window
>The palace gardens lie before you, and one or two things seem a little off
>Firstly, there are giant holes all through the ornamental lawn
>Second, there's a huge pile of food in the middle of the garden
>Looks like someone's been raiding the pantry
>The only other thing that's off are the giant ants.
>The giant. Fucking. Ants.
>They've got to be a couple of meters tall, and at least a few long.
>You squint through the window
>Yup. Definitely giant ants.
>You sigh and take out your list of jobs and a pencil
>Fourth job of the day, put ant poison down in the kitchens
>Huh, guess you can see why they wanted you to do that.
>You should probably bump that job higher up your to do list
>Maybe start straight away?
>You pencil hovers over the list
>Eh, then again, you got a bucket of water for washing the statues and you don't want to lug that all the way to the kitchen
>You cross out the 4 next to "Put down poison" and replace it with a 3
>A sudden smash draws your attention back to the window
>The giant ants are tearing apart the statues in the ornamental garden, their mandibles slicing through the marble as though it was brie
>You watch as they topple a stony rendition of the two Princess
>Well, that sorts that out then
>You cross out the 3 and replace it with a 2
>After a moment's thought, you add a tick next to "clean statues"
>Emptying your bucket out the window, you whistle tunelessly as you stuff the to do list back into your pocket
>You think you'll take a smoking break after you've sorted out this ant thing
>With that thought, you head off
>Maybe you shouldn't just be walking about so casually
>Then again, fortune favours the bold
>You're also not sure you're going to have enough poison
>Eh, you'll put down what you've got and get more if you need it
>You're coming up to an intersection, and you can hear scuttling coming toward you
>For a moment, you consider hiding
>Hide? Ha!
>With a merry whistle and a spring in your step, you breeze on through the intersection, hearing a surprised chittering from your right as you shuffle on past a pair of giant ants
>You get a little way down the next corridor before you feel an uncomfortable sensation in your head
>There's a voice, but you feel it more than hear it
>Like it's inside your head
>"Stop."
>You glance over your shoulder and see the two giant ants strolling along after you, easily keeping up with you
I can't stop, I'm a busy man. Got places to go, things to do.
>There's a scuttle as one of the ants moves up the wall, overtaking you
>It stands in the hall in front of you and stops your cart with one its forelegs
>"Stop."
>You frown
Hey. That's just rude.
>You get a strange feeling in your head, like the ant's considering apologising
>The feeling passes
>"Come with us."
>You shake your head
No can do, buddy. I got hecka work.
>The ants seem surprised by your resistance
>Mentally that is, outwardly they're literally just big ants
>You're damned if you can read ant body language
>"The Queen is now your queen. She demands to see her subjects."
>You shake your head
Look, the queen can demand what she wants but I've got a shitter to unclog, and unless I do it soon...
>You hold your hand level to your chin
...we'll be up to here in filth.
>The ants pause, standing in silence for a moment
>You guess they're having a private conversation
Look, how about this. I'll do my work, then swing by and pleasure the queen later.
>The ants seem pleased by your words
>"You have a duty. You wish to fulfil this duty. This is good"
>"You are like us. We have a duty. You have a duty. We are like you"
>You sigh in annoyance
>These fucking ants don't sound like they're going to stop any time soon
>"We have-"
Yeah yeah, got it.
>Now you think about it, maybe meeting this queen would be a good idea
>They're a bit annoying, but these ants don't seem too bad
>Hopefully you'll be able to talk the queen into not taking over Equestria
>You'll probably just have to mention half the crazy shit that happens around here and she'll be begging for someone else to take over
You know what?
>"No. I do not know. What?"
I think I'd like to meet this queen of yours
>The ants give an excited sounding chatter
>"The Queen is good. You are good. The Queen will like you."
>Shakespeare better hold onto his fucking wig, these ants were onto some next level prose
>You get a feeling of hesitance from the pair
>"But if you do not unclog the shitter, we'll be up to here in filth"
>You roll your eyes
Don't even worry about. The queen is much more important.
>With a wiggle of its antenna, the ant projects more thoughts into your mind
>"The queen is important. The queen is good."
>Ok, you take it back
>These ants need to die
>No sentient being could possible think like they do
>If a sentient being DID think like that, killing it would be a mercy
>The ants set off and you follow, pushing your cart along
>They stay silent for the most part, occasionally informing you that the queen is good
>You'll be the judge of that
>Pretty soon you're ushered into the throne room
>In the centre is a huge pile of dirt
>Sitting on top is a massive ant being served food by other ants
>Glancing around, you spot the princess and a handful of ponies being guarded in the corner of the room
>You nod at them and wave
>Celestia's sad face rises at seeing you
>"Anon!"
The one and only.
>She's about to say something, but before she can, the queen speaks up
>"Well, well, well. If it isn't Anon. I've heard so much about you"
>The thought forces its way into your mind
>You get the immediate, overwhelming impression that the queen is a massive bitch
>Huh, psychic. Spooky.
All of it good, I hope.
>"Why yes, all of it good, all of it from your princess."
>You glance at Clestia, who fidgets uncomfortably
>The queen ant sends you a feeling of mockery as she 'speaks'
>"Anon is a hero! Anon will save me! Anon will stop you! He's a fierce warrior, a brilliant tactician, a gentle lover!"
>You glance at Celestia
Gentle lover?
>She blushes, barely meeting your eye
>"Um... I-I, I might have got a little carried away..."
>She trails off
I'm only gentle when I need to be, Princess
>She sputters, but the ant queen cuts her off
>"Enough! Well, Anon, if you are truly as great as your princess claims, you will be a perfect candidate."
>You shrug
I am pretty great. Probably even better than you've heard
>Go big or go home.
>It's not like there's any way that exaggerating or even outright lying is gonna be a bad thing
>Right?
>"Oh-ho!"
>You get the feeling the ant queen is impressed, beamed straight into your brain
>"Confident too! You are ideal!"
>Uh-huh. You should probably just wait for a dues ex machina to save you again
>That usually happens if you hang around long enough
So. If that was all, I actually wouldn't mind stepping out for a quick cigarette
>The queen laughs, and the ants all around the room join in, a chittering noise filling the air
>"Oh, there'll be time for that after"
>Huh. That sounds somewhat ominous.
After what?
>The queen wiggles her mandibles at you
>Mandibles?
>The weird bitey things on the front of her face, whatever they're called
>You get a strange feeling from her psychic projection
>It almost feels like... lust
>Uh-oh.
>"After you fertilise me, of course."
>Ok.
>This whole scenario has taken a turn
>Without checking you can't be sure, but you don't think "Be raped by giant ant" was on your to do list
>And it would be rape. There is no way you'd willing stick your pecker into that
Yeah, no. That's not happening.
>"Oh, I think you'll find I can be very..."
>The queen waves her forelegs, doing a weird little dance
>"... persuasive"
>You guess she was doing some kind of mating dance or something
>It looks more like she's having a seizure, antennae jumping around as she struts back and forth
Wow. Perfect. Can you do that again?
>The ant obliges
>"I knew you would be unable to resist all this"
>She waves one of her front legs over her body
Yeah. Can you do it one more time?
>She does, and you cross your fingers
>The queen's shaking her head pretty hard in the dance, maybe she'll give herself an aneurysm or something
>A couple of minutes without a sudden collapse from a blood clot are all you can bear
Yeah, ok. That's enough. Don't wanna get too excited.
>You scratch your arse indifferently
>There's a smug feeling coming from the queen
>"You have succumbed to my charm, as I expected."
>She turns and walks to a window looking off the mountain, a view of all Equestria spread out before her
>"We will mate, and once I have stored enough of your semen I will begin to produce a new breed of supersoldiers"
>You're not sure whether you should feel flattered or disgusted, so you settle both. It feels a bit like indigestion
>"And then, we will swarm across this land. My Nest will consume all! We will kill all who stand in our way, starting with your precious princess."
>Celestia gasps
>You just roll your eyes
>All this melodramatic shit. If something doesn't just happen to fix everything, you're going to have to take matters into your own hands
>You guess wetting the floor is off the table, since the ants have six legs. You doubt they'd slip. Also, you emptied your bucket.
>There must be /something/ in your cart you can use.
>Wait! The ant poison!
>This may seem crazy, but what if you used it to kill the ants!
>You congratulate yourself on your genius
>...
>Oh shit, still need a plan
>You wonder just how stupid these ants are
You'll never get the location of the royal jam from me!
>The ants all instantly go stock still
>"JAM!"
>A single impulse of thought as every ant nearby mind blasts you with the word
>The queen is the only one composed enough not to shout
>"Royal jam? You will tell us its location at once!"
Curses! You've seen through my brilliant charade. I am not a janitor, but keeper of the royal jam: the best jam in the world!
>A nearby ant speaks up
>"Jam! Good food. Good food for the queen. Good food..."
>"Oh, shut up."
>The queen moves toward you, pincer mandible things clicking menacingly
>"You will divulge the location of this royal jam at once!"
>You're not sure whether you should act as over the top and hammy as possible, or just not even bother trying
>Deciding to go with the latter, you speak completely flatly
No. I'll never tell you that the jam is hidden in my cart in a tub labelled 'Ant Poison'.
>You scratch at your nose
Oh no. Woe is me. You have tricked me again.
>You literally couldn't be any more indifferent if you tried
>Probably because you /are/ trying
>The queen lets out a chittering noise, laughing again
>"Fool! You have revealed the location of the royal jam!"
>With that, she upends your cart with one massive leg, snatching at the big white bottle labelled 'Ant Poison'
>She pauses, looking at it suspciously
>"Hmmmm. Why do you keep the jam hidden in a jar labelled 'Ant Poison'?"
>You shrug
Uhhh... I dunno.
>She moves up close, beady little eye level with yours
>"You want me to think it's poison, so I don't eat it!"
>You shake your head
Nope. That's just ant poison. Plain old...
>Before you can finish your sentence, the queen eats the whole tub
>Just swallows it whole
>"I bet you'd like me to think that!"
>You just shrug again
>The queen ant laughs manically
>"Soon, the world will tremble before me!"
>She laughs even harder
>"OH! This jam! I can feel it flowing through me! The strength! The power! The strepower!"
>She continues her cackling for another few seconds, then abruptly stops
>She keels over with a final sounding thud.
>rek't.
>You look at the other ants in the room
>They're just kind of standing there
>You'd hoped that killing the queen would also kill the rest of the ants
>Now you think about it, that was a pretty stupid thing to expect
>You glance over at the princess and the other restrained ponies
So, uh. I guess you're all free to go
>You stroll over, and none of the ants make a move to stop you
>With a click, you free Celestia, who leaps at you, wrapping her hooves around you
>"Oh, thank you Anon! I knew you would come for me! I knew-"
>She cuts off when she realises her face is level with your crotch
>Her mouth opens, but she doesn't speak
>After a couple of seconds of staring at your groin, she blinks and pulls away, blushing deeply
>"I-I, sorry Anon, it was-I just-"
Yeah, sure.
>Her blushing and stammering can be quite annoying
>You free the other ponies and they all wander off back to their various jobs
>All of them avoiding the elephant in the room
>Well, the elephant sized ants that is
>You shiggy across to the nearest one
Well... ant. How's it hangin?
>The ant faces you
>"The queen is dead. The Nest will die."
Huh. Bummer.
>Maybe you're just talking to the ant equivalent of that guy who stands alone in a party and only talks about how depressed he is.
>Without even bothering to excuse yourself, you sidle over to another giant ant
Hey there. You stoked about the... the...
>You desperately try to think of anything relevant, but can't
>Eh, just leave the sentence hanging and give a big grin
>Confidence is everything.
>The ant doesn't respond for a moment, but it eventually turns to you
>"The queen is dead. The Nest will die."
Oh.
>The ant stands in silence for a moment, and you kick at the ground
Well, what if you had a new queen?
>"A new queen?"
>You nod
A new queen.
>"A new queen?"
>Fucking ants.
>You point at Celestia
Her.
>You decide to skip the whole conversation, and just move straight to your endgame
Yeah, the big white one. She's your new queen.
>"A new queen. The Nest will not die."
>With that, the ant scurries over to Celestia, and all the other ants nearby do the same
>She seems startled, and backs away nervously as the ants speak as one
>"What do you want us do?"
>Celestia frowns
>"Uhhh..."
>She glances at you uncertainly
>"Just a moment!"
>She moves over to you and begins a hushed conversation
>"Shall I make them kill themselves?"
>Damn, that's cold.
>You shake your head
Nah. What you wanna do is use them to finish the canine freedom movement.
>She blinks
>"How... how do you know about that?"
>You'd read it in a top secret report you found on her desk one day when you were cleaning
>After the crushing defeat blown to the Canine Empire, a small military presence had dug in up in the mountains
>You shrug
Intuition.
>Celestia shakes her head
>"But the resistance movement is hidden deep underground, there's no way we could..."
>She blinks
>"Do ants live underground?"
>Oh, for fuck's sake.
>You have to do EVERYTHING around here.
>Turning to the ants, you speak up
Your queen bids you travel to the mountains far to the East. Once you're there, she wants you to dig up the underground diamond dog fortresses and return the captives to your queen's military. Along the way, you are to also follow the orders of any officers of the Equestrian military.
>The ants telepathically broadcast a sense of understanding their orders
Then, return here for more commands.
>In unison, they speak
>"We do as the queen bids."
>With that, they all turn and leave
>After a few minutes, the ants are gone, leaving no evidence that they were ever here.
>Well, apart from the massive pile of dirt in the middle of the room
>And the tunnels everywhere
>And the general destruction
>You sigh
>Guess who's job it is to clean up most of that shit?
>You head back to your little trolley
>"Wait, Anon!"
>Celestia holds out a hoof to you
>"Thank you... you've saved the day again, and I'm in your debt once more"
>She nervously taps a hind hoof
>"Was there anything you wanted as a reward?"
>You shrug
>"Because, well, I have two tickets for the Royal Canterlot Opera, and I wondered if maybe-"
NO!
>Fuck the opera
>People singing in ridiculous voices in a language you couldn't understand about how sad they were that angels stole their baby or whatever.
>Rock operas, now those you could get into
>Celestia deflates slightly
>"Oh."
>You feel a little bad, but fuck it
>In a while, once you're tired of winding her up, you'll actually make an advance of your own. Sweep her off her feet.
>Or hooves or whatever.
>But still, this is your oportunity to get anything you want...
>You think for a moment as Celestia walks away
Actually...
>She turns, hope in her eyes
...there was one thing you could do for me...



>It's Wednesday
>Every Wednesday you empty out the bins from the upper floors of the castle
>This is your first time doing this since you dealt with the whole ant thing, and you can't wait to try out the changes you had Celestia make
>You push your trolley of bin bags to the top of the service stairwell
>Except it's not a service stairwell any more
>It's your own personal slide straight to the basement.
>The ride down exactly as fun as you expected it to be
>Which is to say VERY fun.
>When they built this, you got them to throw in magically powered booster sections to the slide
>And a couple of loops
>And some barrel rolls
>In fact, to accommodate all that, the stairwell had to be extended outwards, upward and down into the basement.
>All directions, really.
>In fact, it's not so much a slide as it is a roller coaster
>What better way to spend a royal favour than on your own personal ride?
>As you finally reach the bottom, you get ready at the edge of the trolley
>You have to time your jump just right...
>As the slide/roller coaster comes to an end, you dive off the cart, landing perfectly in a pile of padding
>You scramble to your feet, and watch the cart continue its journey
>As it approaches the end of the track, a sprinkler from above coats it in a fine liquid
>The end of the track juts up, a ramp with a ring around the end of it
>The ring bursts into flame as the cart approaches
>Launching off the track, the cart travels through the ring of fire, bursting to a fire ball as the liquid from the sprinklers, actually a highly flammable fuel, ignites
>The flaming cart of rubbish arcs through the air before slamming into the opposite wall with a crunch
>It slides down the wall and drops into your pit, the bright light from the fire shrinking until it's just a speck
>You lean over the side of the pit, and a distant thud sends a waft of warm up past you
>Awesome.
>This is an even more efficient way of doing your weekly chore.
>You scratch your head
>Right, enough time for a quick nap, then you've got to remove the suspicious stains from Luna's carpet AGAIN.
>You swear if she doesn't stop whatever the hell she's doing, you're going to tear up all her carpet and put down lino
>See how she likes that.
>With that, you head off
>You've got a nap to have.
>And a new playcolt magazine to enjoy.
>Damn you love your job.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


>You yawn
>It's about 2 in the morning
>Working the night shift fucking sucks
>Your boss, Staff Keeper, asked you to work nights for a week
>It's not like you could turn her down. She was fucking terrifying
>As head of housekeeping for the castle, she was one of the most influential ponies in the entire country
>Why? Well, it's hard to disagree with a request from someone who's responsible for your food. And laundry. And all the staff assigned to you.
>Prince Blueblood once said some rather unkind words to a clumsy maid.
>When the motherly head of staff noticed one of her girls was upset, she took action.
>She scolded Blueblood for it, but he told her that maids weren't important
>He refused to apologise, and the way you head it, your boss had just smiled at him and said that she'd be ready to hear his apology whenever he'd learned his lesson.
>The next day, through a completely unrelated series of events, all of the princes' white suits came out of the wash pink, his dinner was served almost two hours late and was horrendously over salted and the toilet in his en suite clogged and he had to unclog it himself since the entire wing of his castle was, coincidentally, completely devoid of any staff to help him.
>In fact, you'd been the one that had clogged his toilet, taking great pride in a job well done. You could have just stuffed a load of toilet paper down it, but that would have been cheating.
>It had been Mexican night the night before, and you'd eaten a lot of spicy food
>You grin evilly at the thought of the white cunt wrestling with your rancid shit
>Funnily enough, the next day he had gone straight to the maid he'd offended and given a long, grovelling apology.
>He'd also sent a large bouquet of flowers to Staff Keeper and a huge fruit basket to all the staff.
>The long and short of it is that when the head of housekeeping asks you to do something, you fucking do it.
>You walk through the deserted corridors of the castle, heading toward the library
>Arriving, you push open the grand double doors and enter
>You have to polish all the brass stylings
>You like working here
>It's quiet and there's something comforting about the smell of the old books; the weight hundreds of years of knowledge and learning pressing in on you comfortingly
>At least that's what you told everyone
>The real reason was that you had a bit of a thing for librarians
>Not the old ones, the hot young kind
>The undergrad ponies of the Canterlot Academy all had to spend time working here, so often you got lucky and found a bored coed looking for some excitement
>And university is a VERY experimental time for most mares
>Unfortunately, you're not going to get any excitement tonight
>That's all during the day
>Damn, it sucks working nights. This is the last one, thankfully, and then you get a few days off as a reward
>Eh, sooner you finish polishing, sooner you can go home.
>You crack on, losing yourself in the work

>Halfway through your job, you stop
>You get the feeling something's off
>Scanning the library, you can't quite but your finger on it
>Oh shit.
>Sleep deprivation must be catching up with you
>There isn't a single book in the library
>Every shelf is empty
>Huh.
>You scratch your nose
>There's no librarian on duty, which is odd.
>This library's usually open 24/7.
>Without anyone to ask, you're not sure what to do about the missing books
>Maybe you should look for them? They can't /all/ be checked out
>With that thought in mind, you have a quick tour of the ground floor
>You're not particularly sure what you're looking for. It seems unlikely someone would just take all the books and pile them up in a corner somewhere
>After a quick circuit, you've spotted nothing.
>Time to head upstairs
>No sooner do you get to the top of the grand stairs than you find the missing books
>At the top of the landing, looming up high above you, is a fortress constructed solely from books.
Well, fuck me.
>Fuck you indeed
>Someone's built a castle.
>Out of books.
>It's... just, wow.
>There are towers, buttresses, even a keep, but you can't see any openings or doors
>Looking around, the library is still deserted.
>You probably should just ignore this silliness and keep working...
>Nah, fuck it.
>Work can wait
>You go back to your cart to collect a few essential items and grab a ladder from one of the nearby shelves as you return to the fort
>Time to show the enemy your mettle
Pah! What coward hides behind walls of books! Will they not face me as an equal on the battlefield?
>There's a moment of silence, then you hear shuffling from the fort
>A book glows purple and is levitated out of the wall, a pair of eyes watching you suspiciously from the gap
>They seem surprised. Time to make them weep salty tears at your masterful knight style insults
Speak, craven maggot, or may your humours rot in your living body!
>rekt.
>"What? Who the hell are you?"
>The voice sounds less insulted than confused
Anon. The janitor.
>Narrowing, the eyes take in your whole body, lingering over your helmet, spear and shield
>Well, a bucket, bin lid and mop respectively, but a little imagination can go a long way
I am your end, and the beginning of a new era for the kingdom of Libraria! Surrender at once!
>This is getting boring. You just want to smack someone with your mop.
>The eyes widen slightly
>"Hold on..."
>More books are levitated out of the wall, making an opening half way up the keep, a purple alicorn steps up to the new window
>"You're not one of /them/! You have to help, we can still-"
SURRENDER REJECTED!
>You lower your mop and charge the fort
>About halfway there, you realise you forgot to pick up the ladder when you began your charge
>Eh, that can be plan B.
>You leap into the air, the surprised unicorn backing up, but it's too late
>The jump was perfect, and you sail gracefully into the castle
>Then you slam ungracefully onto the floor as you misjudge your landing
>The alicorn steals your spear, looking at it in bewilderment
>Well, fuck.
>You're in a crumpled heap and the mare has your spear.
>There's only one thing to do
I surrender unconditionally
>You're pretty sure the ponies have a Geneva convention equivalent, probably called the Geneighva convention or something.
>Fucking horse puns.
>The purple pony drops your mop and speaks, sounding slightly annoyed
>"Stop fooling around!"
>You stare at her indignantly
I'm not the one who built a fortress out of books.
>She sputters
>"I had no choice! It was the only way to keep them away!"
>There she goes again, talking about /them/.
And who, exactly, are they?
>"Uh..."
>She rubs at the back of her head uncomfortably
>"I may have opened a portal to another reality where everyone's evil."
>You raise an eyebrow
What, like, a backward reality?
>She nods
>"Kind of. A mirrorverse, where evil had triumphed over good! When I opened the portal, they all came through, ready to conquer another world."
>You raise an eyebrow
>"There was already a whole thing with a different mirrorverse, but this one is..."
Who are you?
>You have literally no idea who this pony is, and she's claiming to be able to open interdimensional portals
>She blinks
>"I'm Princess Twilight Sparkle... do you not recognise me?"
>You raise an eyebrow
No. Far as I'm aware, the only princesses are Celestia, Luna and that pink one.
>She points at a crown
>"And me, I was made a princess almost a year ago!"
>You narrow your eyes
Suuure...
>Sounds like bullshit. This is coming from the mare with a book castle after all.
Well. I'll leave you to your... mirrors, and I'll-
>"No! I need your help! You're the only I've seen who isn't one of /them/."
>Raising your janitor's cap, you scratch at your hair absent-mindedly
Them? Are they the evil mirror versions of everyone?
>She nods vigorously
>"I built a fort out of books to keep them away."
>You raise an eyebrow
To keep them away? How do books keep them away?
>She grins
>"Think about it, Anon. It's a mirror universe where everything is opposite..."
>You think about it
Being in the presence of books gives them instantaneous and uncontrollable diarrhoea?
>She blinks
>"Huh?"
Well, think about it, Twilight. Everything's the opposite and in our universe being in the presence of books DOESN'T give you instantaneous and uncontrollable diarrhoea.
>She cocks her head
>"No... it's, well, I was thinking that it's because in our universe, everyone loves books, so they must all hate them."
>She looks up in thought
>"My reasoning is valid, but what you said is true too..."
>You wave an arm as you begin to walk toward the opening
Eh, probably both. Look, I've got work to do and you seem to have things under control, so I'm gonna make like force times distance, and work.
>If you finish up your last job, you can finally get back to a normal sleeping pattern
>You feel a hoof on the small of your back
>Turning, you see the 'princess' giving you the old puppy dog eyes
>"Please... you're the first person I've seen in days... don't leave me..."
>Days? What the hell?
Uh, let's rewind there. What do you mean days? When did this whole start?
>Her eyes are reaching dangerous levels of moistness
>"Four days ago, I tried to make a portal to a different universe! I was looking for... I mean, I wanted to do, uh, research!"
>Well, fuck you
Well, fuck me.
>You had no idea that being on the night shift would cause you to miss an entire mirror universe invasion. That shit sounds fun.
And why can't you just close the portal?
>She shakes her head
>"If I closed it, the evil copies of everyone would still be here! No, there's a specific spell I need to use."
>You roll your eyes
>Nothing's ever straightforward
>Thinking about it, maybe working for mirror people would't be so bad
>Maybe instead of cleaning up, you'd get to make a mess and just piss around
>What if they pay you for /not/ working, and you could do whatever you wanted all day!?
Hey, uh, Twilight.
>You've got to be delicate here
So, before we do anything we might regret, are you really sure you want to send the mirror people back? Maybe we could try living in reverse for a bit and see how it works out?
>The mare's taken aback
>"That's an awful idea! They're evil, Anon!"
>You cock your head at her
Are you... are you doing the reverse thing? Do you actually mean that it's a great idea?
>She shakes her head violently
>"NO!"
... do you mean yes?
>"GAH!"
>She stamps her hoof
>Heh, this is pretty fun
By 'gah', do you mean 'heh'?
>She sputters
>"How are those opposite!?"
>You look at her in confusion
You mean they're the same?
>"NO! Well..."
>She thinks for a moment
>"... I suppose they're- oh, nevermind!"
>You go to speak again, but it looks like she's tired of your shit
>"Listen, Anon. I need a banishment spell to get rid of the evil universe people, but that kind of magic is dark, it's completely forbidden!"
>You shrug
Well, looks like we can't send them back. What a shame. Anyway, I'd better finish-
>She just shakes her head
>"Listen! There's a book!"
Uh...
>You pointedly look around the interior of the book fort
There's more than just one.
>Her eye twitches and she opens her mouth to respond, but stops herself in time
>Closing her eyes, she takes in a breath, pulling her hoof up to her chest
>She lets out the breath, extending her hoof as she does, opening her eyes again
Was that like, a pony nazi salute?
>She seems to have calmed
>"No. I don't know why you're acting so... crazy, but we need to work together here."
>"There's a section of the library locked away from public use, where the darkest, most evil books are kept. You probably never even knew it was there."
Oh, the forbidden knowledge section? Yeah. I know about it.
>Twilight looks surprised
Yeah, who do you think it was who cleaned that place?
>It had been filthy. A secret door leading to a dusty corridor lit by flickering braziers, ending in a heavy door that creaked ominously open as you entered the small chamber housing the ancient, evil tomes.
>You'd spent a couple of days installing fluorescent lighting and giving the whole place a good clean
>Much more pleasant
>Twilight blinks
>"Oh... ok. Well, all of my research there had led me to believe the spell I need is actually in an incredibly rare book..."
>These little horses need to hurry the hell up and invent the internet. All this running around after books is just stupid
>"A book bound in the flesh of ponies, holding the darkest spells known to ponykind. It's a book so dangerous, all known copies of it were destroyed, but there's a rumour that one still exists."
>"It's filled with madness, enough to drive even the strongest mind to insanity."
>She's starting to sound suspiciously like those cultists you dealt with a while ago
You're not talking about the Forbidden Tome, are you?
>The mare's eyes widen
>"How can you possibly know about that book? All records of it were destroyed!"
>As she talks, you walk out of her fort and down to your janitor's cart, the alicorn trailing after you
>You rummage in your cart as she continues
>"Every trace of it was scoured from Equestria. We need that book Anon, but I have no idea where we can get our hooves on it."
>You pull the book out of your cart, and wave it in front of her face
Here it is.
>The alicorn freezes
>After a moment of dumb silence, she levitates the book out of your hands and scrutinizes it
>"... how did... but..."
>She looks back and forth between you and the book
>On a scale from 1 to 10, looks like a 9 on the mind blown index
>And the mind blown index is logarithmic, so that's really fucking high
Yup. There it is. Do the spell, and then I can get back to work.
>The sooner this is all over, the better
>She takes another deep breath with a weird nazi salute to calm herself
>"Anon. How is that you just happen to be in possession of the rarest, most dangerous book in existence? Where in the name of Tartarus did you get this?"
>You grunt non-committally
Found it.
>She grits her teeth
>"/Where/?"
>You shrug
There was a whole thing with an evil cult, and a demon was summoned...
>Her eye twitches slightly
>"A demon?"
Yeah, Azazel. We're pretty tight, I play poker with him on Fridays
>Azazel's a piss poor poker player, but his buy-ins are always interesting since hell doesn't have any money
>You had to insist he stopped buying in with souls, since you were starting to get a backlog
>Now he buys in with things forged in the depths of hell
>Last week you won a sweet flaming sword with a mouth on the cross guard that just whispers your opponent's darkest secrets
You want to meet him? I can summon hi-
>"No! Stop! You're giving me a headache!"
>Ouch
>Well, it's her own fault for being so highly strung
Well do the spell then!
>She rubs at her temple with a hoof
>"If I try to read it, I'll go insane"
Oh, fuck me sideways and send me home for supper, pass the damn thing here
>You snatch the book off her and ignore her protests as you thumb through it
What was it? Banishment spell?
>Finally getting to the right page, you pass it back to her
There. You've skipped past all the weird pages written in blood that form sickening patterns of dark, twisted runes. Those are probably the ones that make you crazy.
>Wordlessly, she takes the book off you
>She looks down at the book, and scrutinises the pages
>Suddenly, she freezes
Uh, Twilight?
>She lets loose a shrill scream, filled with terror, shaking uncontrollably
Shit!
>You try to take the book off her
PUT IT DOWN!
>She stops abruptly, and just looks at you
>"See? That's how annoying you are."
>Fuck, she almost gave you a heart attack
Oh. Oh, real nice.
>With that out of the way, she turns her attention to the page again
>"Seriously though, this doesn't seem too difficult. All I-"
>"YOU TWO!"
>You freeze, and slowly turn your head to the source of the shout
>A pair of guards stand looking at you as you stand by your cart
>They look like evil versions of the normal guards, black energy swirling in their eyes, cruel smiles on their faces
>"You two are to be imprisoned immediately. Come with us."
>Phew. That was a close a one.
Yeah, we'll come with you!
>You give him a big wink
>Twilight's looking a little scared, so you whisper a reassurance to her
Everything's opposite for them, remember? They really mean we're free to stay here and that we shouldn't go with them.
>"I don't think that's how it works, Anon."
Ok, I'll prove it.
>Straightening up, you address the guards
Hey, uh, bye fellas! Didn't you not mean-
>You think carefully
-didn't you mean we should /not/ stay here?
>The guards' eyebrows furrow as they think about what you just said
>"Yeeeah, you need to come with us"
>You know that this isn't how it works, but you're damned if you're gonna pass up on the chance to fuck around with some ponies
Not thank-you.
>You turn back to Twilight
See? Yeah means no. So he didn't not mean that we shouldn't stay here.
>Twilight seems unconvinced
Think about it. They're evil versions of us from a mirror universe where everything is opposite. So when they say no, they mean yes.
>"Wait, wait, wait."
>The younger of the guards speaks up, looking uncertain
>"Everything is opposite here? Even what you say?"
>The other guard cocks his head
>"So when you say yes, you really mean no?"
>Twilight stamps her hoof in exasperation
>"NO!"
>The elder guard smiles knowingly
>"Ah, but you really mean yes. I think I get this now"
>He turns to his comrade
>"Makes sense I guess, they are opposite to us after all."
>The other guard nods along
Well, I can see you two are a couple of morons.
>The younger guard's face twists for a moment, but his colleague nudges him
>"Oh, you're complimenting us?"
>He grins as the realisation hits him
No, I'm really saying you guys are idiots.
>He nods
>"Thanks."
>The other guard corrects him
>"You mean, unthanks."
>"Yeah, unthanks, that's really upsetting to hear!"
You're not welcome.
>The three of you stand around beaming, but a grinding noise draws your attention to Twilight
>Her mane's looking a bit frazzled, and she's clenching her jaw
>One guard peers at her
>"Is she ok?"
>You shake your head.
Nope. Here if someone looks good, they're really bad.
>The guards mull your words over for a moment
>"Makes sense I guess."
>Then he looks at you for a moment
>"Wait, you look ok. Are you really, uh, good?"
>You nod
Yep. I look good but really I'm bad.
>"That's good."
>The other guard corrects him
>"Bad."
>"Yeah, that's bad"
>Silence descends again, and after a moment the guards remember why they're here
>"Oh, uh, we need you to not come with us."
>You shake your head
I won't come without a fight.
>There's a slight growl from beside you from Twilight as you let the guards lead you away
>As you head to the dungeons, the younger guard looks over at you quizzically
>"So how does time work here?"



...and so, at a very young age, we finally come alive.
>The guards are standing outside your cell, grappling with the idea of an opposite universe
>Fucking with these guys is so much fun it should be illegal
>They confer briefly on what you just said
>"Very young age means old, obviously."
>"Yeah, and when he says come alive, he means die"
>They nod as they decipher your short speech about life
>While they're distracted you glance over at Twilight
>She's standing in the centre of the cell, her eye twitching
>They confiscated the book when they put you in the cell, and she doesn't seem to be taking it too well
>"Well, Anon."
>The younger guard grins at you
>"This is all very... uninteresting. But we have to stay"
Oh. That's not a shame. I wasn't enjoying our talk at all.
>The elder guard shakes his head
>"Me neither. Anyway, we definitely won't be back in a couple of hours."
>The other guard nods
>"Yeah."
>Nudge
>"I mean, no."
Hello then.
>They pause for a moment
>"Oh, uh, hello!"
>"Yeah, hello Anon."
>With that, the guards leave you and Twilight alone
>What a couple of fucking idiots
How about those guys, eh Sparkle?
>At your words, she turns to you slowly
>"We're trapped in a dungeon by the invading residents of an evil alternative universe..."
>Her voice is dangerously low
>"... we could have stopped it, but now the one book we need is gone..."
>Her eyes meet yours
>"...which leads me to ask you one thing, Anon."
>You sniff and scratch your nose
Shoot.
>"How in the name of all that is good, ARE YOU SO CALM!?"
>Whoa. Someone has issues. You stare her out for a while, and she wilts under your gaze
Well, first off Twilight, I don't appreciate being shouted at.
>Some of her anger dissipates at that, and she looks a little guilty
Second, why sweat the little things?
>You sidle over to the cell's bench and sit, pulling a small metal tin out of an inner pocket of your overall
Thirdly, Pinky and Perky didn't think to search me when they threw us in here
>Twilight gasps at the realisation, then cranes her neck to see what's in your battered tin
>Leaning away, you open it
Yep. Everything's gonna be A-OK.
>You take out a paper and some baccy and begin rolling
>Twilight looks unimpressed
>Heh, understatement. She looks like she's about to explode
>Ignoring her, you finish rolling and gesture to the cigarette
Mind if I light up?
>Before she can even respond, you do it anyway
>She's grinding her teeth, and there's actual steam blowing out of her ears
>You take a long drag and hold the smoke for a second, before blowing it out straight into her face
>Maybe if you make her angry enough, she can be used as a bomb to explode part of the wall or something?
>She opens her mouth to berate you, but you cut her off
Remember, this is all your fault. I'm not the one who was dicking around with alternative universe like a retard.
>She pauses
>Then she sits back on her haunches, face frozen in shock at your harsh words
>You lean back against the wall, taking another long drag, closing your eyes, enjoying the peaceful ambience of the dungeon
>The silence is interrupted by a quiet sniff
>You open an eye a crack, and look down at the purple mare
>She's hunched over, shaking. Face to the ground, screwed up really tight
>Trying hard as hell not to cry
>A couple of wet drops on the floor show that it's a battle she's losing
>Her mouth is moving silently, repeating something to herself
>You crane your neck to read her lips
>"Princesses don't cry."
>Just repeated, over and over
>Wow. Maybe you were a little too harsh
>You clear your throat, and she winces slightly, turning away from you, ashamed
You know earlier, when I said I'd never heard of you?
>She makes no indication of having heard you, but you press on
Well, now I think about it, I do remember hearing something about a coronation way back when.
>You roll your cigarette absent-mindedly between your fingers as you continue
I'm just a janitor, so I'm not involved in all the fancy ceremonies, but there was a bigger buzz than usual about some event. I didn't pay it much mind. But other people did. Other ponies did.
I live on the other side of town, in a bit of a rough area. Every day I'd walk post a young mare who had to sell herself for money. She'd grown up on the streets, alone, afraid, with nothing. Every day I'd walk past her, and I've give her a little money, just so she could buy a meal, or a hat for the winter. I'd stop to chat, just treat her as a normal pony. She was always so grim, she just looked... empty.
>Twilight's looking at you now, a little confusion on her face, unsure of where your story is going
Well, one day, I was walking past the corner she usually waited on, and something was different. She was smiling.
>Her tears drying, the alicorn listens intently
I asked her. "Why? What do you have to smile about?". And all she said was 'The Princess. I can leave'. 'The Princess. I can leave'. See, she'd heard of the coronation of a new princess, and she thought if somepony can be made into royalty, then she too could find something better for herself. She stopped prostituting herself, enrolled in a course, turned her back on that terrible life.
>Twilight's eyes are round as saucers
And the young mare's name? Albert Einstein.
>Twilight raises an eyebrow
>"W-who?"
No one important Twilight. Just one life you improved by being yourself. She has a family now, a loving stallion and a little foal on the way. All thanks to you.
>She looks awed at your story
Think of all the ponies with similar stories, the ponies you gave hope to.
>Twilight gives a sad shake of her head
>"But I've ruined it now. Everypony will suffer, all because of me."
>She clenches her eyes again, and her voice wavers
>"Princesses don't make mistakes"
>You lean forward, and put a comforting hand on her back
No Twilight, princesses don't make mistakes. And princesses don't cry. But you don't have to be a princess all the time
>She sniffles
Sometimes you can just be Twilight Sparkle.
>She begins to cry, leaning into you
>You hug her supportively
It'll all be fine Twilight, trust me.
>She cries for a few minutes, seems like she's been bottling things up for a while
>You take another long drag as she slowly calms
>"T-thanks Anon."
>She looks up at you, a weak smile on her face
>"The whole reason I was trying to make a portal was to... to find a reality where I hadn't been made a princess..."
>Huh.
Why?
>"I... I wanted to know that there was somewhere I was still /me/, and not Princess Twilight Sparkle. But now-"
>She wipes her eyes with a hoof, a weak smile on her face
>"Well, I can still be me."
>You shrug. If all it took was some bullshit sob story, great
>Standing, you butt out on the wall and stroll over to the cell door
Well, if you're feeling up to it-
>You reach into your pocket and pull out your janitor's key chain
- we've got a load of evil alternate 'us's to deal with
>You select the right key and unlock the door
>Turning back to Twilight, you see her weak grin grow stronger
>"We've got a book to find!"



>You and Twilight swiftly make your way to the throne room, stopping only to collect your janitor's cart, use the toilet, grab a quick snack from the kitchens and twice because your shoe lace came undone
>Finally arriving at the imposing throne room's double doors, you turn to Twilight
What's the plan?
>She pauses for a moment, then shrugs and give a grin.
>"Let's just see what happens!"
>With that, she kicks the double doors open, and strolls confidently into the room
>Which is empty
>You sidle in after her
Huh. Wonder were everyone is?
>"In bed, it's three in the morning."
>You turn around at the familiar voice
>It's you.
>Well, your evil alternative universe version
>It's like looking into a mirror
Well fuck me.
>Evil!Anon nods sympathetically
>"Fucking night shift, eh?"
Fucking night shift.
>The two of you stand around for a moment, while Twilight watches on silently
So... you're evil me?
>Your doppelgänger shrugs
>"Way I see it, you're the evil version of me."
>Huh. You can be pretty evil at times.
>Well, just a dick really
Oh. Maybe I am. That's a real existential crises, huh?
>Evil?Anon shrugs
Hey, can I bum a fag?
>"Yeah, go for it."
>He rolls up a cigarette for you and passes it over, then rolls himself one
>The two of you light up
>A minute passes in silence as you enjoy a smoke
Hey, does evil Celesita hit on you?
>The janitor groans
>"Shit, yeah. It's getting embarrassing how desperate she is."
>You nod
You know, last week, she tried to give me a puppy
>"What, last Tuesday?"
Yeah. Did evil Celestia do the same thing?
>"Pretty much. The puppy was skinned, though."
Ouch. And does she keep trying to get you to go to the opera with her?
>"Heh, I wish. Public executions."
Nah, public executions are better than the fucking opera.
>Your new friend wrinkles his nose
>"Once you've seen one hanging, you've seen them all. Also, it's incredibly barbaric and morally reprehensible."
Wow, you really aren't evil, are you? How come?
>He shrugs
>"If I had to guess, I'd say that me and you aren't actually from these universes. So we aren't evil copies of each other. That or our alignment is true neutral-"
-Chaotic Neutral-
>"-chaotic neutral and, so neither of us is good or evil"
>That does make sense. You suppose
>The two of you continue your chat as you finish smoking
>Twilight waits patiently
>She seems a lot more mellow after your little chat earlier
>Eventually, you finish up and give a stretch
Well, it's been fun but we really do have to get going so we can banish you all back to your hell realm or whatever
>"Eh, fair enough. This castle's pretty shit compared to the one back home."
Is it?
>He nods
>"Yep. We've got a giant doom fortress hanging over a lake of doomed souls."
>You narrow your eyes
You're shitting me.
>He laughs, and you join in
>"Damn, son. You're good."
>Heh, thought so.
It was the lake of souls bit. Souls aren't really a fluid, they're more like a... a block of soft cheese.
>Your counterpart's eyebrows raise slightly
>"Now you're shitting me."
>You shake your head
I play poker with a demon every Friday, and that's how he bought in for a while. Hey, you should come to the next poker night! We're always happy to have another player at the table.
>Your counterpart nods
>"Yeah, sounds good."
>He heads over to his little janitor's cart, which seems to be identical to yours in every way
>Rummaging around, he continues
>"Yeah, I miss my old bed. Yours is lumpy."
You've been sleeping in my bed?!
>He nods
How? I've been sleeping in it.
>"Night shift."
>Oh, right
Fucking night shift.
>"Fucking night shift" he agrees
>He finds what he's looking for, and pulls out a book
>The Forbidden Tome
>"There you are"
>Twilight gapes at him
>"Your universe has a copy too?!"
>He shrugs
>"I just collected it from the evidence locker after the guards stored it. Like I said, I wanted to go home and you seemed to know what you were doing."
>He looks at you with a grin
>"Not you, her. I know you have no idea"
>He high fives you as he passes the book over
>"Oh, don't forget you need to recall everyone from your universe"
>Shit, you completely forgot to find out where everyone was
Where have they been?
>"Celestia and... MY Celestia and Luna banished yours and all their subjects to a different alternate reality. They were asleep when we arrived, so they were banished straight to a timeless universe, where they've been suspended ever since."
>Twilight narrows her eyes
>"How do we know we can trust you? How do you even know this?"
>Whoa! You're not a liar! Well, not always.
Twilight, Twilight, Twilight...
>You step up to your doppelgänger, wrap your arm round his shoulder and turn to face the alicorn
Look at this, Twilight
>You point at his face
Is that the rugged countenance of a liar? The handsome, masculine face of a man who isn't trustworthy?
>ProbablyNotEvil!Anon nods
>"Search your feelings. You know it to be true."
>Twilight holds a hoof to her face
>"One of you is already too many for me to cope with."
>You share the secret janitor's handshake as Twilight opens the book to the right page
>As you do what is really just a regular handshake, but between two janitors, something Anon said sticks in your mind
Wait Twilight.
>You turn to him
They've all been suspended in time? Since four days ago?
>He nods
>You turn to Twilight frantically, as she begins to read the relevant spell
NO!
>You dive toward her and slap the book from her telekinetic grasp
WE CAN'T GO THROUGH WITH IT!
>You grab her and shake her
THINK, THINK DAMN YOU!
>She pulls away from you, startled
>"What's wrong, Anon?"
>You snatch the book of the floor and shake it at her
DESTROY IT, TWILIGHT, IT'S THE ONLY WAY! THE ONLY WAY TO BE SURE!
>Still in shock, she turns to face the other janitor in the room, who's just watching you flip out with amusement
>He grins at her
>"He's just realised that if they've been suspended since four days ago, and they were asleep when they were suspended, then they'll wake up without knowing anything ever happened"
>Twilight looks back at you, still confused
>"And why would that be a bad thing?"
Because, Twilight, they would still think it was four days ago! They'd expect me to work ANOTHER 4 nights on the night shift!
>You collapse to your knees and pound the floor with a fist
FUCKING NIGHT SHIFT!
>"Fucking night shift." Other Anon agrees
>You whip round to face him
You son of a motherless whore! You evil bastard! You knew!
>He chuckles and shakes his head
>"I'm just watching, none of this was me"
>You stare daggers at him for a moment
I could never stay mad at you, you gorgeous rogue.
>Twilight offers you a hoof and pulls you to your feet
>"Don't worry, Anon. I'm a princess, remember? I'll write you a note explaining, and I'll back up your story"
>Oh. Yeah. Forgot about that.
>You hand over the book and she opens it to the relevant page
>"Before we go back Anon..."
>She taps a hoof bashfully
>"I just wanted to say that for the last few hours, I've felt like Twilight Sparkle, not Princess Twilight Sparkle. Thank you."
>She smiles warmly
>You shrug
I've done practically nothing. Thank that statuesque Adonis over there
>You point to the other Anon, who's pulling the Usaine Bolt pose
>Twilight giggles
>"Well, thank both of you."
>She turns back to the book
>"Without any further ado, here we go."
>"HI-HO BERI BERI!"
>And with that, it was done.

~

...then, once everything was back to normal, I headed off to bed
>Staff Keeper narrows her eyes as you finish your story
>"So you're telling me..."
>A bead of sweat trickled down the side of your face as the stern mare holds your gaze
>"... that the reason you failed to polish the stylings in the library was because you were busy banishing evil ponies from another reality?"
>You tremble internally
Yes ma'am.
>She holds your gaze for a couple of long moments
>"And Princess Twilight Sparkle herself backs this up."
>She turns the Twilight, who's looking about ten times as nervous as you feel
>"It's true!" she squeaks
>Staff Keeper holds Twilight's gaze for a moment, then nods
>"Ok. I suppose all of the jobs were completed, other than the polishing."
>She looks at you over the desk
>"Here's what's going to happen. Anon, you're going to go back to the library now and finish your job. Then you can have the time off we agreed on"
Thank you ma'am, that's most kind.
>She turns to Twilight
>"YOU, your highness, are going to return to the library too, and de-construct your..."
>She glances down at a note on her desk
>"...book fort at once."
>Twilight gulps, and nods
>The head of staff shakes her head
>"It's disgraceful, treating books like that. You ought to know better, your highness"
>Her highness stammers an apology
>With that, the stern mare gestures to the door
>"Now, I'm a busy mare. Get to it, and I better not hear anything more about evil clones or alternate dimensions!"
You certainly won't, ma'am!
>With that, you and Twilight leave, both heaving a sigh of relief as you step outside of the small office
>You shakily reach behind your ear and produce the cigarette you pre-rolled
Phew. Well, now that's over, we can all move on.
>"Is she always so..."
Unbelievably terrifying? Yes. Yes she us.
>You grab your cart and begin a leisurely walk toward the library
>"Uh, Anon? Do you think I could have a look at the Forbidden-"
Nope.
>"Aw, come on!"
Sorry Twilight, you'll just have to find your own book of forgotten eldrich lore.
>"I'll trade you for it!"
>You shake your head
Sorry, but no.
>"Pleeeease?"
>As you the mare practically begs you for the book, you reflected on the events of the last night
>You chuckle to yourself
>Reflect. It was funny because there was the evil mirror universe thing
>You freeze
>Holy shit, you're sleep deprived, there's no way that was a normal chain of thought
Uh, go ahead Twilight. I need to stop by the janitor's cupboard.
>For a few hours nap.
>"Ok, I'll see you in the library"
>As she leaves, you head back to your cupboard
>Because of the whole time fuck up thing, there hadn't been a new PlayColt released this week
>Oh well. When life give you lemons, masturbate to old porn mags.
>Or whatever
>Either way, you have a quick nap lined up, then a short spell of work
>And then? A week off.
>Not that you didn't want to work, quite the opposite, you'd miss it while you were on holiday.
>After all...
>You love your job.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


>Hometime.
>You're heading through the staff area to the changing rooms
>Once you're out of your uniform, you can head for an intimate date with a bottle of pure moonshine
>Equestrian booze is about as strong as an 8 year old quadruple amputee with brittle bones
>Which is to say, not very
>You tried to brew some bathtub hooch, but you know nothing about brewing bathtub hooch
>You basically ended up with a bathtub of rotten potatoes
>Vodka comes from potatoes, right?
>After that fiasco, you'd given up. Now you just buy pure medicinal alcohol and dilute it a bit
>Just a bit though
>Either way, you're looking to a nice evening in waging a war of attrition against your liver
>You're about to enter the changing room when you hear someone clearing their voice behind you
>With a sigh, you turn
>When you Staff Keeper stood behind you, your eyes widen in shock
I swear I didn't know it would burn like that!
>You lie, hastily
>She raises an eyebrow
>"What?"
>Shit. She doesn't know about the flour delivery
What?
>She narrows her eyebrows suspiciously, but just ignores your statement
>"Celestia had a job for you in her private chambers. She requested you specifically."
>Bullshit. You've finished for the day.
>You open your mouth to object, but falter when you remember who you're talking to
>You sag
I'll be right up, ma'am

>You step into Celestia's private quarters, and give a shout
Haloha! Did you have a job for me?
>There's a reply from her luxurious en suite
>"In here, Anon!"
>You push your cart toward the doorway
Clogged the toilet again?
>You're surprised to hear a third voice giggling as you step into her bathroom
>Luna and Celestia are sat together in a steaming bath, their wet manes heavy around their heads, the ridiculous amount of bubbles almost overflowing the tub
>"N-no, Anon!"
>Luna laughs at her sister's words, but you frown and gesture at the bath
Aren't you two a little old to be sharing a bath?
>They look at you quizzically
>"Luna and I always share baths. It's quality bonding time!"
>"And," Luna adds, "it saves on water."
>It does save on water. And the colossal bath is more than big enough for the two of them
>Celestia shifts, and the water sloshes about, dangerously close to spilling
Make sure that doesn't over overflow. I'm not mopping it up.
>Celestia shakes her head
>"Don't worry Anon,  I didn't call you here to work. I thought we could spend some- WAIT!"
>You were already halfway out the door
What? I just heard you say you didn't have any work for me, so I can go, right?
>Celestia deflates slightly, and nods sadly
>As she does, Luna comes to the rescue
>"My sister didn't mention that we seized Humperdinck's entire wine cellar"
>You freeze
>"Yes, Equestrian alcohol is of a... weak nature, but the Canine Empire is renowned for its fine wines, and spirits"
>Spirits? Fine wines?
>That's a game changer
>You turn to the pair, thinking
>It's gotta beat drinking alone, right?
Now I think about it, I'm in no hurry.
>Celestia beams, her face brightening
>"Oh, fantastic! Come, join us Anon!"
>You narrow your eyes slightly
>You're being invited to bathe with two princesses
>For a moment, you seriously consider it
>But you don't want to come out smelling... girly
I'm not getting in. I'll wait in the other room.
>With that, you shiggy on out
>You throw yourself down on a big pile of cushions in the middle of Celestia's opulent chamber
>Grinning evilly, you imagine how blue balled she must be feeling
>Or whatever the female equivalent is. Blue ovaried?
>Your train of thought is interrupted by the sisters leaving the en suite, completely dried
>Magic. Comes in handy at times, you guess.
>As the two join you, lounging alongside you, Luna takes the opportunity to embarrass her sister
>"So, Anon. Earlier you asked Celestia if the toilet was clogged AGAIN?"
>Celestia blushes and tries to change the subject, much to Luna's amusement
>You're not sure what Luna's angle is here. Getting you to stay with the promise of alcohol makes you think she's acting as Celestia's wingman, but embarrassing her? That's thrown you a little.
>Well, fuck it, it's not like Luna's some paragon of cleanliness
Yeah. AGAIN. The same way I had to get stains out of your carpet AGAIN today.
>This time, Luna's on the receiving end. She isn't taking it well
>White as a sheet.
>"Haha, well, how about some wine, haha?"
>She desperately tries to move along, but you grin evilly at her
I don't know WHAT you get up to, but I've removed more bodily fluids from your poor carpet than anywhere else in the castle.
>Celestia cocks her head
>"Bodily fluids?"
>You nod, and Luna goes stock still
Yep. Almost every night it's something new. Staff Keeper said I could replace the carpet with lino to make it easier to clean if I fill in my chart.
>"Your chart?"
>Reaching into your overall, you pull out a folded piece of paper, and open it
Yeah. It's basically a bingo grid of bodily fluids. Here.
>Celestia curiously takes it off you, and gives a low whistle
>"Wow. You're almost there. Just two more."
>You nod
Cerebrospinal fluid and vitreous humour. Then it's bingo, lino.
>Luna's blood has returned to her face full force, and she's bright red, stammering as her sister reads from the page
>"Mucus, phlegm, cerumen-" She looks at you uncertainly
Ear wax.
>"-ear wax..." She looks up at Luna
>"I'm not sure whether to be disgusted or impressed! At least I don't see semen ticked off on here!"
I'm pretty sure... yeah, just there
>Leaning over, you point to the corner of the page
Next to female ejaculate.
>You add, helpfully
>"Oh."
>Celestia looks back to Luna
>"In that case, definitely disgusted."
>Luna finally rallies
>"Ha! It must be a joke! There's no way Anon could possibly tell the difference between..."
>She cranes her neck over toward the paper
>"... between rheum and sputum! What is he, a forensicist? Ha. Haha."
>She shoots you a desperate look
Oh, I'm not a forensicist, I have no idea what half of these fluids even are!
>Luna gives another forced laugh
>"He's just exaggerating, eh Anon?"
No.
>You reach back into your pocket again, and pull out some cotton swabs and evidence bags
I just take a little sample with this and send it off to my friend who /is/ a forensicist. And a week later, I get the results.
>You'd just sent off another couple of sample today, in fact.
>Fingers crossed for that cerebrospinal fluid!
>Luna gives a desperate laugh, her mane a little wild, and with a flash of darkness, a bottle of wine appears with three glasses
>She fills them, and you reach out to take one, but she ignores your outstretched hand and downs the three glasses one after another, still giggling manically
Uh...
>You look at Celestia, who just shrugs
There's nothing wrong with enjoying...
>Faltering as you realise you have no idea who those stains get there in the first place, you press on
...yourself.
>Nice save.
But it's just better if we have a little lino. Makes it easier to clean after ward
>She's buried her head in a pile of cushions, and you can hear muffled shouting
>Celestia laughs
>"Come on Lulu, it's not that bad."
>She teleports more wine into the room, with new glasses and pours you both a drink
>You swirl it around in your glass, and give it a sniff
>Smells like wine.
>Bringing the glass to your mouth, you take a mouthful
>Tastes like wine too.
>You're not exactly a connoisseur, but if you had to guess what type it was, you'd have to say...
>Experimentally, you take another little sip
>..red. It's almost certainly red.
>"Not bad, is it Anon?"
>You literally have no idea
Hmm, a nice full bodied red with hints of...
>You play up taking another sip
... yep, definitely juniper, a subtle twist of berries, and underlying it all, a rich smoky flavour. Very summery. Not bad at all.
>Luna clears her throat, finally past her embarrassment
>"I'm pretty sure that's white wine, Anon."
>You look at it
>Shit, she's right
>Why the fuck didn't you realise that earlier?
>You shake your head
I'm not so sure. It certainly tastes like a full bodied red, with hints of-
>"-Chateau Blanche: this dry white was hoof made by the blind monks of the upper Minou Valley"
>She reads off the label
>Minou Valley? Wow, those monks must have been knee deep in it. Drowning in it, you could say.
>You snort
Well clearly, if the monks were blind, they must have misprinted the label! It's just a mistake, this is certainly red!
>For emphasis, you take another sip of the clear liquid
>Celestia levitates her glass up and scrutinizes it
>"I'm not so sure, Anon. It definitely /looks/ like a white..."
>Luna's enjoying watching you squirm
>"The label confirms it!"
>You harumph.
Well, if you're the kind of ponies that take what the label says over making up your own minds by tasting it, then I suppose it probably does taste like a white.
>Celestia and Luna immediately reassure you they are not, in fact, the kind of ponies that take what they're told by the label over their own experience.
>"Me and Celestia, we're not the kind of ponies that take what we're told by the label over our own experience!"
>"That's right, Luna! We make up our own minds by tasting it!"
>With that, they both make a big show of tasting the wine
>"Mmmmm, a delicious full bodied red!" Celestia decides
>"That's right, I'm getting hints of juniper and berries. Very summery." Luna chimes in
>You grin
>Holy shit, this is almost tragic.
>You take another sip on your wine. It really isn't bad at all, though you've always preferred red
>The three of you sample a couple more bottles, and you're starting to feel pleasantly buzzed by the time Luna suggests playing a little game
>"Truth or dare!"
>Celestia nods excitedly
>"Oh, that would be so much fun, wouldn't it, Anon!"
>She looks at you expectantly
>Truth and dare. Could be a fun way to mess with these mares.
>Then again, there's something you've been saving for just such an occasion, something that would mess with them even more
>You shrug
Truth and dare's a bit tame, don't you think?
>Celestia looks confused
>"No?"
>You nod
Well it is.
>Standing, you walk a little unsteadily to your cart, and pull something out
>With the big board in your hand, you saunter back over to the quizzical princesses, then slam your game down between them
BAM! OUIJA BOARD!
>Celestia shifts a little uncomfortably, and Luna leans forward to take a look at it, curious
Yep. That's a 100% genuine spirit communication device.
>The letters and digits are fanned across the board, with "Hello", "Goodbye", "Yes", "No" and "Your souls are forfeit: prepare for eternal damnation" around the outside.
>You added that last one yourself
>Celestia taps her forehooves together nervously
>"I'm not sure if this is such a good idea."
>Luna grins at her
>"Scared, Celly?"
>Celestia chuckles. but there's a nervous edge to it
>"No, I'm just not sure I want to do a ouija board in my bedroom. What if we find a ghost?"
Well, if your room's haunted, the ghost would still be here whether or not we talk to it
>That doesn't seem to make her any more comfortable, and she fidgets as she looks at the board
>As an ancient Godess of the sun, she's no doubt versed in the finer nuances of diplomacy, which means you're going to have to resort to some very special tactics to manipulate her into playing
>A special trick you learned long ago, that can sway even the most firm opponent in questions of morality and ethics, and which you expect will work here
All the cool ponies are doing it.
>She instantly sits bolt upright
>"I'm a cool pony."
Yeah, of course you are, that's why you're going to play with the yes-yes board
>She hesitates slightly, and looks over to Luna, who nods, raising her eyebrows
>"Ok. Let's play."
>Perfect
>You get out the pointer bit and place it in the middle of the board
>Celestia goes to refill your empty wine glass, but you pull it away
Spirits.
>"Where?!"
>Her eyes widen, and she looks around fearfully
>For fuck's sake.
Alcoholic ones.
>She looks at you seriously
>"Should we hide the wine?"
>Luna steps in before you can say anything
>"I think he wants something a little stronger than wine, Celly."
>Realisation dawns, and Celestia blushes as you and Luna laugh
>She summons a few different bottles.
>There's gin, vodka, rum, tequila and a couple of different whiskies
>You pour yourself a whiskey and sit next to the board
>Celestia pours herself a gin, and adds what you assume is tonic
>Luna materializes three long shot glasses, the rims crusted with what looks like salt, a lime wedge stuck in each
>Holy shit, she's not going for the tequila is she?
>She goes for the tequila
Holy shit, Luna!
>Tequila fucks you up, no doubt about it
>Looks like Lulu's playing for keeps
>You whistle as she downs all three shots, then sucks on a slice of lime, her face screwing up
>Celestia notices that you're impressed, and conjures up glasses of her own
>Luna spits out the lime
>"Eugh. That's going to hit in a bit."
>She spots her sister lining up three shots as well
>"Are you sure? You don't want to overdo it Celly"
>There's a hint of concern in her voice, but Celestia just grins
>"Oh, I'm sure I can handle a little drink."
>With that, she takes the first shot
>Her face screws up immediately, and she forces herself to swallow
>She grabs the second shot glass telekinetically, and raises it to her mouth
>Opening her mouth, she swallows it as well
>It's too much for her and she gasps for air as the stinging liquid slides down her throat
>She coughs, sputtering
>Wow. You know she's trying to impress you, but she's going a little far
Hey, mind if I have that last one?
>Her face is contorted from the strong tequila, and she just nods
>You take it, and shot it, slamming the glass back down as you bite into the lime
>Fuck, you hate tequila.
>You have bad memories of it.
>Well, memories you assume are bad. Things always get a bit blurry towards the end of an evening out.
>Once you've all settled back down around the ouija board, you get the princesses to put their hooves on the pointer
Ok, here's how it works. We ask a spooky question, and get a spooky answer.
>You look around the luxurious chamber, warm evening sunlight streaming in through the open windows, brightly coloured paintings and patterns decorating the room
But first, can we do something to make this room more spooky?
>"Oh, of course"
>Celestia's horn lights up, and the sun shoots down below the horizon
>As Celestia conjures some hovering orbs of ethereal, blue fire, Luna's horn lights too, and the moon swings round, bloated and blood red in the night sky
Terrific.
>Clearing your throat you begin as you all
Oh foul spirits, demons of chaos: heed my call!
>Celestia's eyes are darting around the room nervously, and even Luna looks a little apprehensive
Is there anyone present?
>After a moment's pause, you begin to push the pointer towards "Yes"
>As if you were going to wait for a 'real' ghost to do something.
>Ouija boards are only fun for fucking around with people who believe in ouija boards
>Celestia yelps as the pointer slides to yes, and you'd swear Luna gave a little gasp
>You give a theatrical gasp
Oh vengeful ghoul! Being of malice! I beseech you: what is your name?
>Applying pressure again, you move the pointer, and read aloud where it stops before moving it on
2
P
A
>As you go to move the pointer to the 'C', something strange happens
>It resists your movements
>You cast a glance to Celestia, then Luna, but they look too focused on the pointer
>Huh, they must be subconsciously moving the pointer
>You push a little harder, and the pointer begins to move slowly to the C
>Halfway there, it slows, eventually coming to a stop
>Celestia gasps
>"The spirit must be conflicted! It doesn't know who it is!"
>You eye her suspiciously
Oh, I've got a feeling I know where it's going
>You add a second hand to the pointer and begin to push again
>With a lot of effort, it slides across the board
>Ok, now one or both of the princesses is definitely fucking with you
>There's no way they're applying that much force subconsciously
Ok, I'm really feeling the spirit! Oooooh, it's, it's all up inside me. Take your hooves off the pointer, Anon's got this!
>The sisters gasp, but do as you say
>You're unpleasantly surprised to find that, even without their hooves, the pointer is resisting your efforts
>Neither of the princesses' horns are lit. They must have some way of secretly casting spells
>You move onto your knees, and brace yourself against the floor, wrestling with the stubborn piece of wood
>Leveraging your whole body weight against the pointer, you manage to inch it slowly toward the C
>You're sure Luna and Celestia can see how much you're forcing it, so you throw in a little stagecraft
Oh! Oh, wow! There's some, uh, some interference from the astral realm!
>Celestia's hoof moves toward her mouth in shock
Oooooooh! There are like... fifty ghosts! But don't worry, my connection to 2Pa- is clear!
>With that, you force the pointer over the C, and the resistance instantly dissipates
C! Oh my! We're in communion with the ghost of 2Pac!
>You raise your arms to the heavens as you speak
2Pac! I have many questions for you! I bid you-
>You stop speaking as the pointer spins on the spot, and slides across the board, stopping over "No".
>Shit. One of the princesses' is definitely fucking with you know. Probably Luna, Celestia looks like she's about to piss herself
>You turn back to the board
No what? I didn't even ask a question.
>The pointer slides smoothly over the board
>"Not 2Pac."
>Wow, things are taking a real spooky turn here.
>You take a sip of your whisky
>Then you scratch your ear
Then why did you say you were 2Pac?
>Again, the pointer moves of its own volition
>"Didnt."
>You snort
Well, can you put him back on the line?
>Again, the pointer moves to "No"
>You narrow your eyes slightly
Then who can you put on? Hitler? Genghis Khan? The Ghost of Christmas Present?
>The pointer moves, slower this time
>"Fuck you"
Whoa! Fuck me? No, no, no, fuck YOU. Piece of shit ghost, thinking you can just-
>As you speak the pointer spells out something else
>"Your mother sucks cocks in hell"
Oh, she does, does she?
>"Yes"
Well, let me ask you a question. I was adopted, so are you talking about my biological mother, or adoptive one.
>The pointer hesitates for a moment
>"Adoptive"
Well now you look like a fucking idiot, I was lying about being adopted.
>The pointer hastily moves again
>"I meant biologacal."
>You snort, and turn to Celestia, whose mouth is hanging open, her pupils pinpricks
Hear that? He meant 'biologacal'. Dunno how we have a ghost that can't spell, but there you have it.
>There's a pause, then the pointer moves again
>"Dont make me angry"
Oh, what you gonna do? Misspell at me?
>"Nightmare"
What, you're gonna give me a nightmare when I sleep?
>"Yes"
You haunt this room? You do realise I don't sleep here.
>There's a moment's pause
>Suddenly, one of the bottles of wine begins to shake
>It falls over, clattering to the floor
>Celestia is completely freaked out, and Luna isn't faring much better
>Huh, you forgot this is all happening in Celestia's bedroom. Hope she's not too spooked for a good night's sleep later
>She hides behind you, hooves on your shoulders
>"Don't make 2Pac angry, Anon!"
>The ghost takes offence at this
>"Not 2Pac"
>With what seems like considerable effort, it knocks over another wine bottle
>Celestia gives a yelp, and presses her body close to you
>You can feel her shaking
>This is making you feel a bit guilty
>She just wanted to spend time with you, get to know you a bit
>And now you've got her room haunted by a spectacularly underpowered poltergeist
>The pointer moves again
>"Fear me"
>You sigh
Alright there buddy, calm down.
>Time to use some good old fashioned Anon charm to save the day
Why don't you start by telling us your real name?
>The pointer pauses for a moment
>"Promise you wont laugh"
I promise I won't laugh.
>"Ethelbert"
>You laugh
>Shit, this ghost must be old
Wow. That's... uh... a nice name.
>There's no response
>Is the spirit skulking because you laughed?
Look dude. I'm sorry I was messing you around. Can we start over?
>There's a pause, and then a "yes"
Ok, good.
>You gesture Celestia back to her place, and she takes it, a little less anxious know she knows she's talking to the ghost of someone called Ethelbert.
>You all spend the next hour or so getting to know Ethelbert
>Poor bastard's had a pretty shitty run of luck
>He lead a tribe of ponies thousands of years ago, well before Canterlot was built
>They'd been exploring the mountain when they'd been attacked by a Roc
>Rocs are extinct now, but they used to be a huge problem.
>It had picked him up in its gigantic talons and flown up, snapping his neck, killing him a hundred feet off the ground
>That was one piece of bad luck. The second was that he had 'unfinished business'
>He'd promised one of his wives that he'd put up a shelf in their house
>Yep. Sucks to be him
>What's worse, because of some stupid ghost rule or something, he was stuck haunting the place he died.
>A spot of empty air just floating above the ground.
>By pure chance, hundreds of years later, the castle had been built, with Celestia's bedroom lining up perfectly with his haint area.
>He'd hoped he'd finally have a chance to communicate with someone, but apparently Celestia had missed all his attempts
>Not that he's been particularly creative in them, he just gave her a dream once about his life.
>Then he waited, since he didn't want to be rude and impose himself.
>Of course she didn't register the dream as important, and he gave up after this token effort
>Since he didn't have anything to practice his ghost powers on for most of the time, they're incredibly weak for such an old ghost
>He spent a long time just watching the city from the balcony, and he hadn't tried anything more taxing than turning pages in books Celestia left lying around
>The princesses were surprised by how weak he was
>While a ghost half his age, with the proper stimulation, would be incredibly powerful, capable of raising an undead army of the damned and marching against the living, poor old Etherlbert had barely been able to knock an empty wine bottle over.
>He told you that he couldn't move on until he put up a shelf, but that he was nowhere near strong enough
>That's when you had a wonderful idea
So, E.B, you need to practice lifting things to get stronger, right?
>"Yes"
What if there was some kind of game that involved both fine manipulation of, say, cards, but also moving heavier things like, I dunno, poker chips?
>"Such a game would be perfect."
Brilliant! I've got a few friends, and we run a poker game every Friday. You should join us!
>"What is poker?"
>You wave a hand dismissively
We'll explain on Friday. Heck, I'll bring a book up for you to read.
>You hesitate
You can read, right?
>"Yes"
Then it's settled!
>Luna clears her throat
>"Poker, is it? You know, Tia's a dab hoof at the old betting table!"
>She nudges her sister
>"Oh, uh, yeah! Love me some poker! Haha."
Yeah. It's a fun game for fun people
>Celestia doesn't seem like the gambling type
We play the Charlie Go-Go variant of Whiskey M'Lady, with fours high, then reverse order down to kings. Of course, eights are trumps and if your opponent can't match your hand, it's go fish.
>You shrug
It's the standard way to play, but it's stood the test of time, wouldn't you say?
>Celestia freezes
>"Uh... yeah! It's the... the best!"
>Ok, she clearly knows nothing about poker
>You're not inviting some amateur to your table
So, Ethelbert. You may be an amateur, but I'm inviting you to my table!
>It occurs to you that there are still a couple of problems
>Ethelbert still needs something to buy in with, and also his soul is bound to this room
Hey, Celestia?
>"Hmmm?"
Remember earlier you mentioned that other ghosts can raise armies and attack the living? Do they have to do leave their haunty-hole to do that?
>She nods
>"Yes. By the time they've become that powerful, they can use dark magic to break the bonds that tie them"
So can you free Ethelbert here?
>She shakes her head
>"Such magic is corrupting. Neither I nor Luna are capable of doing it."
>So you need a dark magic user?
Ok, I know someone who can help. Promise you won't freak out?
>The sisters look at each other in confusion
>"Why would we freak out?"
Excellent.
>You stand, and clear your throat
Klaatu, barada, nikto
>There's a rush of air, and familiar billowing column of black smoke appears, sinister face shining through the writhing shadows
>"Hey Anon, What's Happening?"
>The princesses freak out, jumping to their hooves and backing into a corner, raising magic wards and shields around themselves
Not much, just wanted to let you know, we're gonna have a new player joining us this Friday
>The face moves up and down the column, nodding
>"Always Nice To See A New Face."
Yeah, this is Etherlbert
>You gesture vaguely at the ouija board
>"Hello" it spells out
>Azazel greets him back
>"A Ghost! And An Old One At That."
>His face screws up slightly as he concentrates
>"Still Bound? Let's Fix That."
>Burning runes carve themselves into the air, appearing like gaping wounds on the fabric of reality itself
>After a moment, they disappear, and as they do so, a faint ghostly voice can be heard
>"~Thanks"
Yeah, thanks Az. You still down for Friday?
>Before the hellspawn can respond, Celestia shouts at you urgently as Luna finalises their protective shield
>"Quick Anon, get in here where it's safe!"
>You stare at her
You said you wouldn't freak out.
>Azazel laughs and you just shake your head in dissapointment
>"Anon! This isn't a joke! That's an afrit!"
>Luna chimes in
>"He's from the eighth dimension of infinite suffering!"
>You shrug
Nah, he's cool
>"I'm Cool."
See?
>They obviously don't see, as they continue to panic
>"You didn't bind it! You didn't use any protective circles or enchantments, and there's nothing stopping it from dragging your soul away!"
>Azazel obviously takes offence at that
>"Hey! Anon's A Good Friend! He's Helped Me Through Some Tough Times!"
>You nod. He'd had a messy breakup with a djinn, and you'd taken him to the realm of pleasure to take his mind off it.
>A couple of days gambling, drinking and intimately getting to know a veritable harem of succubi was just the thing to take his mind of his troubles
>That was a fun weekend
>"Besides, Even If I Did Want To Hurt Him, Do You Think I'm Powerful Enough To Harm THE Anon?"
>You're still considered a huge badass in hell for the whole assassins thing, and you expect the rumours have gotten even more outlandish
>Azazel told you that hell's ruler himself blacklisted you from entering once you die, out of fear you'd start a coup
>Celestia hesitates slightly
Seriously, Celly, it's fine.
>She blushes slightly as you use her nickname, and Luna grins at her
>Yeah, she's definitely acting as a wingman. Or wingmare or whatever.
Anyway, thanks Azazel. I'll see you on Friday.
>You remember it's your turn to buy the snacks
Oh, before you go, was it just coal you wanted?
>Two tendrils of writhing darkness extend and give a shrug
>"Coal, Charcoal, I'm Not Fussy, Anything Flammable. See You Soon, Anon."
Yeah, take it easy.
>With that, the demon makes his exit, the smoke flaring up for a moment, before dissipating completely
>Nice to see Azazel again, you really need to spend another weekend in the pleasure realm. Maybe your whole poker group could go, a big outing would be nice, especially to the multiverse's centre of gambling
Anyway, Eth. That just leaves one final thing. Your buy ins.
>"~Buy ins?"
>You nod
I've got an idea for what you can use. I guess you've been around her room for a long time, so you must know quite a lot of Celestia's secrets.
>The princess stops dispelling her shield at your words
So what I'm thinking is this. You write down a load of her secrets, we read them and then give you chips depending on how funny the secret is.
>"~That would work, I think"
Ok, good. Well, in that case-
>"Anon!"
>Celestia seems taken aback
>"You-you can't just buy my secrets!"
>Wow. Someone's being a party pooper
They're not really secrets if Etherlbert knows them, are they? If you didn't want them getting out, you should have kept them to yourself
>"But I didn't know he was there!"
But-
>You counter
-you didn't know for sure he wasn't there, because he was. So when you wrote or said or did anything, you were doing it implicitly knowing that there wasn't not a ghost watching you.
>She opens her mouth to argue, then closes it again
Listen Eth, just funny things, nothing too personal.
>Like the box of toys she has under her bed
>All the staff know about it, but she thinks it's perfectly hidden, forgetting that her mattress is flipped once a week, and the box is just hanging out there during
>Celestia objects weakly, but you cut her off
Seriously Celly, no sweat
>You yawn
>It's getting late, and you want to head off to bed soon
Ok Eth, come with me and we'll get you your own bedroom so the princess doesn't have to worry about being watched by an invisible presence
>You sidle over to Celestia
Thanks for tonight Celly, I've had a great time. I'm glad I stuck around
>You lean in and give her a warm hug
>She's like butter in your arms, holding you close and sighing contentedly
>While she's distracted, you surreptitiously reach behind her and snag a couple of bottles of booze from the side table she was standing by
>Pulling away, you wish her a good night, and wish Luna the same, who's watching with a smile
>Grabbing your cart, you head on out
>You've got a new player for your poker games, wound a couple of princesses up, and, best of all, got your hands on a bottle of whiskey and a bottle of gin, all because you're the castle's janitor
>Damn, you love your job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


>You shift your backpack as you walk to the palace's statue garden
>It's not very heavy. You're only going to be away for two nights and you pack lightly anyway
>After a fun time in the Pleasure Realm with Azazel, you'd decided that it would make a great destination for your Friday poker group
>The pleasure realm is like las Vegas meets hell. Meets a brothel.
>You're sure it'll be a hit. Your alternate self is sure to enjoy it, and you know Azazel will. Ethelbert needs a chance to unwind, he's been a ghost for far too long.
>As for Feather Light... well, you'll just have to see.
>You arrive at the statue garden, and see that you're the last to arrive.
>Well, second last. You still need to summon Azazel
>"Hey Anon."
>You nod at your alternative self. He's wearing a black and yellow hawaiian shirt, orange tinted aviator glasses and a fruit hat
How's it hanging?
>The fruit hat is so people can tell you apart. Things were confusing when he first joined, but now the other poker ponies (and demon) just call him Fruit Anon. You're plain old Anon.
>"I'm looking forward to smashing some cute succubi. By the time we're finished with them, they'll be seeing double."
>You grin
And if you take that hat off, they'll be seeing quadruple
>"~Hello Anon"
Hey EB.
>You smile in the general direction of the ghost
>His power has grown since he joined your poker games a couple of weeks ago, but he still has a long way to go before he can put a shelf up, and put his soul to rest
>You smile at the last member of the poker group, the pony who's played ever since you first proposed it, who's never missed a session
You're looking well, Feather.
>Feather Light smiles bashfully at you
>"Thank-you, Anon. I'm so excited for out poker trip! I can't believe we can watch the Inter-Universal Poker Championship!
>You nod
>That's why you chose this weekend for the trip, Azazel told you that it was the weekend when all the best poker players in reality get together to battle it out for the title of Universal Champ.
Yeah, it'll be great. We can play a little, and once we're done with the succubi, it's poker time!
>She smiles at your joke
>She's a middle aged maid at the castle, and one of- no, THE nicest person you've ever met.
>So nice, in fact, that none of you can bear to see her lose. She always leaves every poker game with a slight increase on her buy in, not because she's good at the game (she isn't), but because there's an unspoken rule that Feather can't lose.
>After the lot of you are done greeting each other, you summon Azazel, who makes a much more subdued entrance
>"Hey Poker People, You Ready For The Pleasure Realm?!"
>There's a round of cheers as the ground splits open, and a black drop top Cadillac with flame decals rises from the fissure
>"Hop In!"
>As you're all about to scramble for the seats, Feather Light makes an announcement
>"Hold on!"
>She has two bags, a modest suitcase and a bulging carrier
>"I've got some things to give out first"
>Rummaging in the bag, she first pulls out some smaller carriers
>"I wasn't sure how long the journey would be, or if the hotel included lunch for the first day, so I've made you all a packed lunch"
>She hands out a bag to everyone present
>"Azazel, I made you a charcoal sandwich and got some of those wood chips you like."
>The column of smoke forms a tendril arm and fist pumps
>"Ethelbert, I wasn't sure what ghosts ate so I just made you sandwiches like the Anons and me."
>"~Oh, thanks but I don't eat, you can all share them out."
>She shakes her head
>"If you don't eat, you'll waste away. There must be something you can eat."
>You open your lunch. Egg and cress sandwiches on fresh, white farmhouse loaf. Some homemade cookies. A bottle of water.
This is perfect! This is why you're the poker team's mum, Feather!
>She giggles
>"There's one more thing"
>Her carrier still isn't empty, and she pulls out something else.
>T-shirts.
>She reads the label of each, and hands them out
>They're white, and on the front are five cards. Four aces and a queen, fanned out in a hand. Written around the hand is "The Friday Five"
>She's even sewed your names into the labels
>The whole group thanks her
>"My niece is a costume designer in Manehattan, and she helped me make them"
>You put yours on, and Fruit Anon puts his on under his shirt, which he leaves unbuttoned. Azazel's is just a tube, which slides around his column of smoke
>As for Ethelbert, his 'shirt' is a bandanna, something light enough for him to hold onto
>"I thought it would be nice if we all have matching shirts, you don't have to wear them if you don't want to"
>The group reassures her that they're great, and get in the car, ready to go
>You get shotgun, obviously

>Soon, you're blazing through the plains of hell, lakes of hellfire dotting the landscape, great spires of twisted rock pointing to the blood red sky where giant, evil looking bats wheel and circle
>The occasional sign warns against stopping or gives directions, but other than that, there's nothing to see in the vast plains
>It's not a long journey, only a couple of hours
>It takes you all about half an hour to realise that Ethelbert has spontaneously become corporeal
>"Yeah, We're Technically In The Afterlife. Until The Powers That Be Realise He Shouldn't Be Here, And Kick Him Out, He's Back To His Old Self."
>After Azazel explains, Ethelbert seems even more excited about the trip. You guess he's going to be enjoying the pleasures of the flesh.
>Time passes, and following signs for Pleasure Realm, you're soon on a bigger road, and not long after you've joined it, you find yourselves on the outskirts
>Small buildings give way to big ones, and the big buildings give way to bizarre ones, covered in neon lights, alien geometries impossible to comprehend to the mortal mind
>"Ooooh," Feather takes a photo of a casino constructed of bones "How exciting!"
>Azazel knows where he's going, and you hand the car over to a valet as you stand outside your hotel
>Your demonic friend apparently knows people, since he got you a penthouse suite.
>YOU are one of those people, since you're treated as a minor celebrity here as soon as the demonic denizens realise who you are
>A few of them ask for signatures, and a young demon that looks likes a skinless toddler approaches you
>"Is it true you devoured the souls of a legion of veteran soldiers sent to kill a princess, just because one of them had muddy boots and ruined your cleaning?"
>You shrug
Yeah, something like that.

>It's early afternoon by the time the five of you have finished unpacking, and have met in the lounge of your suite
Well, I think I'm going to take a wander through the casino, see what we've got to enjoy ourselves with
>"~I'm going with Fruit Anon to look for some..."
>The ghost looks at Feather sheepishly
>"~Uh, some book shops."
>Yeah. A book shop. You get the feeling EB's gonna be doing a whole lotta reading,
>Heck, he hasn't had a body in thousands of years. You're impressed he had the restraint not to run for the nearest bordello as soon as the car stopped
>Well, now was his chance to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh, and Fruit Anon seemed to be following a similar train of thought
>"I'm Going To Go Visit An Old Friend Or Two"
>You nod
Ok then, let's all meet in the lobby at 8 for dinner. Take it easy until then.
>The other three head out, leaving you and Feather Light
>You smile at her
How about checking out the championship halls?
>"Ok, but let me get my camera!"
>You wait for your friend, then head down together
>Last time you were here, you spent some time in the casinos, but apparently the poker tournament's being held in a special hall, away from the noisy slot machines
>You manage to find a balcony overlooking the hall
>It's gigantic, hundreds of tables all laid out in preparation of the following day's matches
>Why the hell are there so many?
>In the centre of the hall sits a raised dais, a single colossal table surrounded by seven throne like chairs
>"Oh, look Anon!"
>You turn and see Feather pointing excitedly at a poster
>"It says that the poker champions from each realm, reality, dimension and circle of hell make up the tournament, but that a special place is reserved for one lucky participant!"
>You lean over and read it
>There's an open, entry level tournament between anyone who wants to participate, and the winner of THAT tournament gets a small prize and the chance to compete with the big boys
>"Oh, we should sign the whole Friday Five up!"
Yeah, it'd be nice to be involved.
>That takes place all day tomorrow, with the real championship happening the following day, Sunday
>The two of you go to the sign up desk, and, well, sign up
>The cute demoness behind the desk looks bored, but when she sees you sign up as 'Anon', she becomes a lot more interested, giving you the old bedroom eyes
>As you go to leave, she scribbles her room number on a scrap of paper, and hands it over, giving you a sultry look
>Damn, you've always had a thing for brunettes, and she basically looks like a demon secretary
>You wink at her and wish her a good day, before heading off
>Feather Light wanted to take a bus tour of the city, and you didn't feel like sitting alone in front of a slot machine, so you joined her
>She's taken plenty of pictures, and even got an infernal being of the 4th abyss to take a picture of the two of you together
>Afterwards, the two of you stop for an ice cream, which she insists paying for
>"Wow Anon, can you believe the Vice hotel was built from the souls of 50,000,000 beings sentenced to hell for gambling problems?"
>You shake your head
That's a lot of souls. But to be fair, what else can you use souls for?
>She nods
>"They do seem fairly useless. I'd have thought they'd be too soft to build with"
>You forgot she'd won some souls of her own from Azazel.

>At 8 you meet up with everyone else
>Fruit Anon and Ethelbert are limping slightly, but seem in good spirits
>Azazel seems happy too. He's apparently visited an old childhood friend, and they'd spent the time catching up
>The five of you head out for a meal
>There are thousands of different types of restaurants, ranging from the fantastic to the mundane.
>One place has a sign that promises a free imp with every meal, one has "Spontaneous Orgasm" and "Sense of Fulfilment" on its menu. Yet another specializes in the meat of mythical creatures. You even see a McDonalds
>In the end, you just settle on a chinese.
>While you eat, Fruit Anon and Ethelbert tell you all about their bookstore adventure
>"~At one point I was reading four books at once!"
>Fruit Anon backs nods along
>"You should have seen all the books the had Anon, fat ones, thin ones, old ones, young ones, ones dressed in little maid outfits..."
>Feather Light rolls her eyes at everything they're saying
>"I'm not naive boys, I know what you were really doing."
>You and Azazel laugh as the pair stutter and try to insist that they really /were/ looking at books
>Feather Light shakes her head with a smile
>"I was young too, once, you know."
>She takes a more serious tone
>"Just make sure you use protection."
>After the mare made the two promise to always use a condom, no matter how clean the 'working ladies' seemed, the meal was enjoyed with plenty of beers all around.
>Eventually, you asked Azazel something you'd always meant to ask him
Az, buddy, what's with all the smoke?
>He frowns slightly
>"It's Embarrassing"
Oh, come on! You can tell us!
>Everyone else joins in asking, and eventually he gives in
>"It's Because My Natural Form Isn't Scary Enough."
No! I'm sure it's plenty scary!
>"~Yeah, you're probably just being paranoid"
>"Come On You Guys, Don't"
>You keep pressing him, and eventually he gives in
>"Ok, Listen. I'm From A Dimension Of Pure Energy, So Strictly Speaking, I Don't Have A True Form, And I Am Infinite By The Rules Of Physical Realities"
>"Whenever I Come To A Corporeal Realm, My Body Takes The Shape Best Supported By That Reality"
>"Since Not Many Forms Can Support My Power, I Am Physically Represented By Something With Fractal Properties, Representing My Infinite Power
Ok. And can we see what that is?
>Azazel shifts uncomfortably
>"You Guys Really Won't Give Up, Will You? Ok Then."
>With that, the smoke billows one final time, before dissipating
>As it clears, you all lean around Azazel's chair, peering into the receding gloom
>Slowly, a form becomes visible
>It's small, green and has a faint flame round it
>It's a fucking broccoli
>Everyone bursts out laughing, and even Feather gives a little giggle
>"Oh Sure, Laugh It Up!"
>He sounds grumpy, his voice just coming from somewhere inside the broccoli
Hey, Az, don't worry about it. Green suits you.
>"Oh, Ha Ha." he grumbles
>"~I take it back, you're not being paranoid."
Come on Az, at least you're high in iron content
>There's another round of laughter, but as it dies down, the demonic broccoli begins snickering
>You're taken aback as he starts cracking up
>"Oh, You Guys Are Priceless!"
>Fruit Anon looks at you, confusion on his face
>You just shrug at him
So, uh, what's so funny?
>Before your eyes, the broccoli swells up, stretching and warping into a humanoid shape
>A few more features are added, and before you know it, Az has turned himself into a perfect replica of you
>"You Really Thought I Was A Broccoli?!"
>Wow, you just got punk'd
Nah, I was just playing along. I saw through it straight away.
>The perfect chance to practice your poker face
>"Ok, Fair Enough."
>He bought it. Looks like you should do well tomorrow
>"But The Rest Of You! Classic. I Can Take Any Form I Want. I Just Choose The Smoke Thing Because It's Comfortable."
>You never thought of it, but that does sound comfy
>After dinner, you all return to the hotel for an early night
>As everyone else turns in, you stop Fruit Anon
>Wordlessly, you take his hat and place it ceremoniously on your own head
>He looks at you in confusion
>"What are you doing? Now you're me"
No, I'm me. You're you.
>"Oh. But everyone else will think I'm you and you're me"
>You nod
Exactly.
>You hand him a piece of paper with a number hastily scrawled on it
And the hot demoness waiting in that room will think you're me
>He looks at the paper, realisation dawning
>"Ah. I see. But if I'm me, and she thinks I'm you, who will she be?"
She's just herself.
>He thinks for a moment
>"Ok then. And why don't you just be you and go?"
I am going.
>His face scrunches slightly, and you point helpfully at the hat
>"Oh, yeah. And while you go, I'll be staying here?"
Bang on. I need a good night's sleep for the tournament tomorrow, and I figured you'd appreciate a raunchy demoness more than I would
>"You mean more that I would."
Yeah, more than you would. So Fruit Anon has a quiet night in while Anon goes out.
>He nods
>"And when I get back here, am I sleeping in my bed or your bed?"
>You nod
Yes.
>"Ok, got it."
>He points at the fruit hat
>"The pineapple opens, and it's got some gin in it"
I know, it's my hat.
>"Oh, of course."
>You didn't know, but the number one rule of acting is never break character
>Probably
>The man hesitates
>"Why can't I just go as me?"
Because she'll think it's just me in a hat. And if you're going to be me anyway, you may as well be me from the start.
>"But what if I go as you and she thinks it's me without the hat?"
>Wow, this guy is good. You never though of that.
>Wordlessly, you take your hat and place it ceremoniously on his head
Ok, take the hat. That way, you can be me wearing a hat. If she thinks you're you, just take it off
>"Ok. Is there anything I should know?"
>You nod
Probably
>You pat your doppelgänger on the back
But best be off. It doesn't do to keep a lady waiting

>The next day you all gather in the poker hall, ready for to get your game on
>Apart from Fruit Anon, who's struggling to stay awake
>Looks like he enjoyed himself last night. Or rather, he enjoyed /yourself/
>Eventually, the tournament begins, and names are called out as the players are allocated tables
>One by one, the Friday Five are called off, until it's just you and Feather Light
Good luck Feather
>She beams at you
>"You too Anon. And remember to drink plenty, it's going to be a long day and you don't want to get dehydrated!"
>You nod
Yeah, sure.
>"Anon Dickballs"
>You snicker, and head off to your table
>Sitting, you look over the other players
>On your right is a rotting carcass, skin bulging like an overripe tomato, ready to split at any moment
>To the left of that is a floating point of light, then a bulky red demon, a disgusting pile of what looks like vomit and finally, a smiling man in a suit
>The man's eyes are just black voids, and instead of teeth he has a similar darkness. It's pretty disconcerting
>There's a little imp dealing, and he begins the round
>Looking at who, or rather /what/, you're playing with, you can't help but hope that Feather Light isn't paired up with anything that's going to take the game too seriously
>She's not the best player, and you wouldn't want anyone to upset her.
>Eh, she's probably fine

~

>You are Kali, a 10 feet tall demi demon from the pits of hatred, versed in the ways of corruption, of decay and death.
>You smile
>There's a bright flash
>"Wonderful, thank you."
>The small pony puts her camera away and you and the other demons move back to your seats
>"I'm so excited to be here, but I don't want to forget that the most import thing isn't winning; it's the players and all the new friends I'll be meeting!"
>You eye the little mare, who calls herself Feather Light, with suspicion
>What's she playing at, acting all nice?
>Never mind. You will take her chips off her, and see if she still smiles then.

~

>Damn, now is not a good time to be Anon
>Of the people you're playing against, two are unreadable; the point of light and the rotting corpse, which seems to be moving the cards telepathically
>While you're holding your own against the demon and the spooky man, you're still coming out at a slight loss.
>Your luck must be taking a little while to warm up
>The rotting corpse next to you twitches slightly, and a gash opens up along its bloated belly, rancid gunk spilling onto the floor below
>Wow. Fuck you. You look back at your cards
Fold.
>You lean back.
>Idly, you wonder how the rest of the poker five are coping

~

>You are Kali again.
>While the imp deals, one of the other hulking, twisted demons has asked Feather where she's from
>The rapidly diminishing pile of chips in front of her has done nothing to reduce her energy
>She's awful. She can't bluff for anything, and her tells may as well be announced by the dealer they're that obvious
>"Well, I'm here with some friends, actually. The Friday Five"
>She points at a shirt she's wearing, with a stylised logo on it
>"They'll all really good players. I have a lot of fun, but..."
>Her smile fades a little
>You lean forward, in spite of yourself as the imp deals out the cards
>"What's wrong, Feather?"
>She checks her cards
>"Well, it's just that sometimes I think they go easy on me"
>Wow, if they were her friends, you can see why. It was almost painful watching her play
>"That's why I'm in this competition!"
>She gives a determined smile
>"If I can do well, I can show them they can play properly with me! That I /can/ do well!"
>Oh shit. You look at your massive pile of chips, and hers which is almost depleted
>The round continues, until you've entered the final round of betting
>The community cards are the six, seven and nine of hearts, the queen of clubs and the three of diamonds
>You stand to make a lot of money here. You happen to have the five and eight of hearts in your hand. You've never had a straight flush before
>Feather starts the round of betting
>"All in."
>She pushes her last few chips into the middle, adding almost nothing to the already considerable sum
>You look at her. She's biting her lower lip nervously and tapping her hooves together. Probably thinks she's being subtle about her bluff.
>Glancing around the table, you see that everyone knows it.
>You could all easily match her pitiful bet, and you're fairly certain that since they're all still in, the other players probably all have something better than whatever Feather has.
>The demon on her left throws his cards down
>"Fold."
>If she loses this, she'll be out of the tournament
>The next demon, a writhing mass of tentacles does the same
>"Fold."
>And she'll never be able to show her friends that she can play poker after all
>The next player places his cards down gently, and in a voice as old as time speaks
>"Fold."
>You can't believe it. Everyone's just going to let her have the chips!
>Sure, she reminds you of your mum
>Well, the CONCEPT of a mum. You were spawned in the chaos of a dying universe. But if you /had/ a mum, you're sure Feather would remind you of her.
>The lovecraftian horror on your right seems to really like Feather, really playing it up for her
>"Oh! You must have a really good hand! I've got to fold!"
>Now it's your turn
>The other demons on the table have all folded and look at you expectantly
>You check your hand, the five and eight taunting you.
>You look at the pot. The chips that could so easily be yours
>Feather is staring at you, her eyes wide
>Fuck it.
>You throw your cards down.
>"Fold."
>She gives a little cheer and jumps up excitedly
>"Oh my" She puts a hoof to her chest
>"That was so tense for me! I was only bluffing!"

~

>You wonder how the castle's doing without its janitor as you stretch
>A voice announces that the first game is over, the imps that were dealing at each table select three players to go on to the next round, based on who won the most chips
>Your luck picked up toward the end, and you managed to win one hand that put you just ahead of the spooky suit man, winning you a place in the next stage
>There's a short break while the next round is set up, and you spot Fruit Anon's distinctive hat over the hordes of players
>You head over to him, and find Az and Ethelbert there as well
Hey fellas. How's it going?
>Azazel shakes his head
>"My Luck Was Awful. I Got Nothing Better Than A Pair The Whole Game"
>"~Hah! I got a straight!"
>"What Good Did It Do You? You Were Still Eliminated."
Neither of you made it through?
>Turns out they both finished bottom on their tables
>Fruit Anon's been silent the whole time
Hey, how did you do?
>He blinks, and turns to face you
>"Huh?"
>He still looks pretty shattered from last night
You didn't make it through
>His face wrinkles up in concentration
>"Uh, no. I think I fell asleep during the game."
>Fair enough. That demoness had looked very energetic. And lithe. Perhaps you could visit her tonight.
Has anyone seen Feather? How did she do?
>Azazel laughs
>"She Made It Through To The Next Round."
>Impressive
Where is she?
>"She Wanted To Go Buy Some Snacks And Get Something To Drink"
>Sounds like her
Well, sounds like she did good.
>"~Did you make it throught?"
>You shoot the ghost a winning grin
Was there ever any doubt?
>There certainly was. You just hope whoever you're playing against next is more readable than a point of light or a literal corpse.
>"~Oh, we knew you'd get through."
>The announcer speaks again, informing everyone that the break will end in ten minutes
>You stretch again
>Azazel flares up for a moment, his smoke billowing out
>"Uh Oh"
>Uh oh? That sounds bad
>Before you can ask the demon what's wrong, the florescent lights above you flicker out
>As the hall fills with confusion, dim red flames gout out of the floor, shooting for the ceiling as shocked players dive out of the way
Shit!
>Slowly, everyone stops, and silence falls over the hall, bringing with it a palpable sense of dread
>Your skin is clammy, and the room seems to warp and twist before you
>Shit. At this rate, your breakfast will be making a reappearance
>The air in the hall is slick with fear, and still the unnatural silence hangs over everyone
>There's a rumbling, and part of the floor caves in, plummeting into a pit of fire.
>Around the hole, more of the ground collapses and several panicking participants are swallowed along with the crumbling floor
>A mocking, evil laugh emanates from the hole, and heralded with a cacophony of tortured cries, a single, giant being rises from the pit
>A giant humanoid with the legs of a ram and the body of a handsome man, it wears nothing but a wicked smile, and a simple necklace, a pitch black stone entwined by silver chains
>Azazel leans close to you
>"It's /Him/"
>You blink
God?
>"The Other /Him/"
Jesus?
>"No!"
>Azazel hisses at you urgently
>"We Need To Leave. That's Satan. Beelzebub. Abaddon. Lucifer, Mammon, The Father Of Lies, Prince of Darkness! THE DEVIL!"
>Satan smiles
>"Well, what a merry gathering we have here!"
>Everyone in the room trembles at his appearance, and you feel pretty awed yourself
>Well, incredibly awed.  And terrified.
>The giant being leans down and picks up a dealer imp in his massive claws, idly inspecting it as he speaks
>"You may all be wondering why I came to your little competition"
>Carefully, he puts the imp down, and a wicked grin splits his face
>"I came here because I heard a rumour that a particular someone was here."
>His eyes sweep the room
>"A certain someone I've been hoping to meet for quite some time."
>His gaze stops abruptly on you
>"Anon."
>You want to say something, but you're nowhere near calm enough
>The fucking devil wants to meet you
>Fucking. Game. Over
>"I've heard so much about you! And all of my subjects have too!"
>He gestures across the hall as the demons begin bowing and scraping, prostrating themselves before him
>"About how powerful you are. About how skilled. About your cunningness, your luck."
>"Oh, Anon willed an entire country to death! Anon's a tactical genius! Anon can sate a succubi's sex drive! He can out stare a statue! He can eat soup with a fork!"
>His grin fades to an angry scowl
>"In fact, I'm beginning to tire of hearing about you."
>He snaps his fingers, and tendrils of darkness rise out of the ground and snatch Azazel, Etherlbert and Fruit Anon, pulling them together and forming a writhing cage around them
>They shout their protests, their pleas, but the Devil pays them no heed
>"And so I thought we could have a little competition."
>He stares at you, his eyes boring holes into your soul, possibly literally
>"You came here to play poker. So we're going to play poker."
>The dais in the middle of the room shudders and rises on a pillar of obsidian
>"If I win, I get your friends souls, and you get to go straight to the bottom level of hell for all eternity."
>Shit, that's some high stakes poker
>Gotta act confident, right from the get go
And when /I/ win?
>The devil chuckles at your words
>"If you win, you're free to go. You can do as you like, and I'll just have to put up with hearing about you."
>You're not sure you have any choice in this
AND I want the title of Universal Poker Champion. That's why I'm here.
>He leans down to you, and looks you dead in the eye, his face in a snarl
>"I'll give you a fucking trophy."
>With a puff of smoke, the giant being dissipaters, replaced by a smaller person sat at the table on the dais
>A tendril of smoke grabs you, and the Devil picks out several other players at random, dragging you up to the table
>"Let's beg-"
>"WAIT!"
>The Devil's face twists into a snarl as his head snaps around to see who interrupted him
>You look down and see a familiar face far below, looking scared but determined, holding a bulging carrier bag
>"They're my friends too! I want to play as well!"
>Shit, what's Feather doing?!
>You silently pray that Satan laughs her away, but instead he smiles at her
>"Well, come on up! The more the merrier"
>She's raised to the dais and another chair comes into being
>"Thank you."
>"Oh, my pleasure."
>He looks at you, seeing your discomfort at her being up here and his grin darkens
>"My pleasure."
>Before he can say anything else, she opens her carrier bag and clears her throat
>"I have snacks!"
>She takes out a bag of popcorn, salted, and some biscuits
>"I've got some drinks as well"
>She pulls out some disposable cups and two large bottles, one of cola and one of lemonade
>"What does everyone want?"
>The devil watches her in what you can only assume is disbelief as she pours out drinks for the grateful players
>When she gets to the devil, he politely declines a drink
>Feather frowns
>"You really should have something to drink, you don't want to get dehydrated."
>Oh shit. Of all the times to be... herself, she had to choose now
>"I don't want a drink."
>"Come on. Lemonade or cola. I've got water if you just want that."
>The devil stares straight into her eyes, his eternal gaze unblinking
>"I am not having a drink."
>She frowns
>"It's hot and we'll be playing for a long time. Why don't I just pour you something out, and if you don't want it, you don't have to drink it?"
>The Prince of Darkness throws his arms up in despair.
>"Oh, fine! Whatever lets us play the game!"
>She pours him out a cup of lemonade, and places it beside him
>"Are you done yet, pony?"
>She nods
>"Ok, I'm ready to play."
>Her resolution in the face of evil has given you hope, and you feel a little more sure of yourself
Me too.
>He turns to you, smiling
>"Oh, I sincerely doubt that."
>You play your hardest. You really do.
>Feather is as terrible as ever. Her motherly charm has the other players doing their best to help her, but Satan's having none of it, toying with her
>He'll wait until she's down to almost nothing, then let her win a sizeable pot, enjoying watching you squirm as he does
>One by one, the other players are eliminated.
>The first time one of the demons (a thin, bony bat like creature with flaming eyes) loses, there's a tense silence at the table
>"Oh, that's too bad." The devil smiles at him "Enjoy the rest of your weekend"
>And with that, a stairway from the dais to the floor materialises, and there are a tense few moments as the demon walks down
>He makes it safely to the floor, gives a little jump of joy and runs for the nearest exit
>You're surprised the Devil didn't kill him or something, but you suppose he's just here for you
>Eventually, the last player leaves, and it's just you, the Devil and Feather, who's only stayed in through the Devil's good graces, or rather his cruel side.
>He's a good player. Very good. But, if he's been playing his best so far, he's not perfect. You think you're starting to get a feel for how he plays.
>Then again, he could just be toying with you. It's such a mind fuck.
>The chips are pretty evenly split between you and him, with the remainder, sometimes a large amount, sometimes a small amount, sitting in front of Feather
>As time drags by, your luck takes a turn for the worse
>You go from being fairly even, to being slightly behind, to fighting tooth and nail just to stay in this thing.
>Eventually, you slip up, and the last of your chips are gone
>You stare in shock at your lack of chips
>You can't lose. You're Anon. You /never/ lose.
>The Devil stands
>"Well. That was disappointing. I'd heard so many good things."
>He shrugs
>"I guess we're do-"
>"Not so fast! I'm still in!"
>He turns in annoyance to Feather, who has a pile of chips about half the size of his
>"You really want to continue?"
>She nods, shaking slightly but looking determined
>"You do know that you're awful? That the only reason you're in is because everyone LET you stay?"
>Her eyes widen slightly and her mouth gapes as she searches for a respons
Ignore him, Feather. He's just trying to throw you off your game. You can beat him!
>She has no hope of winning, but she needs her confidence
>"Let's do this!"
>Satan smiles, and sits down
>"If you insist."
>With that, play begins.
>Two cards are dealt to each of them, and the three communal cards are dealt
>The ace of clubs, the three of diamond and the queen of spades are out
>There's a subdued round of betting, and then the next card is dealt. The eight of diamonds
>This time, the devil bets big, and Feather thinks a long time
>"Just fold. You'll have something better next round, I'm sure."
>She looks up at him, resolute
>"No. I'm in"
>She pushes most of her chips in, leaving her with almost nothing left
>You don't think the devil's bluffing. You're pretty sure he's got something decent
>Silently, you hope Feather folds rather than going all in
>The final card is revealed. The ace of spades
>When the devil makes the bet this time, he gestures to the chips
>"You know what? How about we make this interesting?"
>He flashes her a charming smile and picks a chip up, rolling it between his fingers
>"What are these worth? Little stamps of plastic"
>He throws it back to the pile
>"How about we play for something a little more... valuable."
>He reaches to his neck, and undoes the clasp of his necklace
>"This is Power."
>The black gem dangles ominously on the end of the silver chain as he holds it between his fingers
>"It grants dominion over all of hell to its rightful owner. I got it by slaying the previous ruler in single combat. Along with it, I inherited his titles, his birth rights, just as he inherited them from his predecessor."
>Holy shit. You have literally no reason to trust this smarmy twat, but if what he's saying is true, he's going to want something big in return.
>He places it on top of the pile of chips
>"Now, I don't expect something of equal value from you. I don't even think such a thing exists."
>She stares in awe at the necklace as he speaks
>"But I thought that maybe, just maybe, you could offer me something that means just as much to you."
>She meets his eyes
>"My souls?"
>He shakes his head
>"Oh, I think there's something even more valuable you can offer me. You have three children who you love more than anything."
>He smiles at her warmly
>"I want you to play with /their/ souls."
>She blinks, and bows her head
>"Of course, if you choose not to, I would auto-"
>"Theirs AND mine."
>She meets his eye again, and he looks surprised for a moment, before smiling
>"Well, that seems more than fair."
>Far below the dais, an assortment of demons collectively hold their breaths as Lucifer reveals his cards
>A pair of queens
>"Full house"
>Shit. That's three queens and the pair of aces.
>Your hopes are dashed when you see Feather bow her head
>"I'm sorry."
>Satan beings to laugh, standing and turning to face the crowd triumphantly
>Even though your heart plummets, you can't be angry at the mare
It's ok, Feather, you did your best.
>"I wasn't talking to you, Anon."
>Feather lays down her cards, and the devil gives a startled yelp
>She had two aces.
>"F-four aces?!"
>You can't fucking believe it
>Feather, the shittiest poker player you've ever seen has just won ownership of hell and the freedom of all your souls in a poker match against SATAN HIMSELF
>"Yep. Four aces."
>She leans back into her chair, grinning
>"And a queen."
>The hall erupts into cheers as the denizens of hell voice their support for their new ruler
>With a terrible scream, the ex-Devil bursts into flames which soon consume him, leaving only ash
>Shit. You guess he should have listen to Feather's warnings about dehydration
>With a wave of her hoof, the dais descends and your friends are all released
>They all rush over, whooping and shouting as they hug Feather, who just smiles bashfully
>You're still in shock from the whole thing, but Feather seems to be taking it in her stride
>The black necklace suits her, and you tell her you think so
>"Oh, really?"
>She flicks it with a hoof
>"I suppose I have a new job now. Oh! I'll have to resign from my old maid job. What even is Satan's job?"
>You laugh
Oh, I forgot you're called Satan now. And the Devil. And all those other names
>She waves a hoof dismissively
>"I'm none of those, I'm just Feather Light."
>Azazel gives her a congratulatory back pat
>"You're The Ruler Of Hell Now! It's A Pretty Cushy Job, Mostly Delegating Things I Hear."
>She thinks for a moment
>"Do I get a second in command? Like an assistant or something?"
>The tower of smoke nods
>"Sure, You Can Pick One Or Just Use The Last Guy's Aide"
>Feather smiles at him
>"Well, I'm obviously going to pick you, aren't I?"
>You faze out of their conversation. They're talking about work now, and you're on holiday.
Well, after all that I'm pooped.
>It's surprisingly late. Almost 21:00.
How about some take-away for dinner, then bed? If Mrs Light approves of course
>You bow to her jokingly and she laughs
>"Very well my subjects! Dinner it is!"
>After a celebratory Indian, you all head back to the room for another early night
>Tomorrow, you'll sample the very finest non-gambling entertainment in the pleasure realm, courtesy of your newly powerful friend
>You think you've had enough poker for a while.
>Feather will make a great Devil, you're sure of it. For a start, no one will ever want to let her down.
>Just before bed, you stop Fruit Anon
>Wordlessly, you take his hat and place it ceremoniously on your own head
I'm off to sleep with that sexy demoness you visited last night
>"You mean the one you visited last night."
Oh, good point. Did you sleep with her as me, or as you?
>He smiles
>"At first, I was me, but she made me take the hat off half way through so I became you. She must have a transformation fetish or something."
Alright, good to know. I might just keep taking the hat off then putting it back on.
>Anon nods
>"That's probably worth a try."
>With that, you head off to her room
>You've seen a coup that got Satan replaced, gambled with your souls and played a whole lot of poker.
>You've had an exciting day, and it's about to get a whole lot more exciting. Then there's tomorrow to look forward to.
>Damn you love your holidays.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


>Today is a regular day
>You sit in the staff briefing and wait for Staff Keeper to finish the announcements so you can get your job list for the day
>"...and because of the diplomatic summit, the whole west wing needs to be in perfect condition."
>Oh, you've been hearing so much about this diplomatic summit, where the leaders of the world are going to get together and solve all of the problems forever, just like they do every year
>This is the 73rd summit, and you're pretty sure problems still exist, so they can't be trying all that hard
>"All the diplomats are busy in the conference room and will be for most of the day. That's the perfect opportunity for the cleaning, so let's go to it."
>Staff Keeper begins handing everyone their job list, but stops when she gets to you
>"Anon. You have a special duty today. You're to head down to the barracks, where you'll find your new assistant."
>New assistant? Awesome! You have someone you can boss around!
Terrific.
>She hands you your job list
>"Go through those with her today and make sure you teach her well."
>You salute
I'll teach her so well that, by the end of the day, she'll be able to teach me!
>Staff Keeper ignores that comment, and instead address the whole staff
>"Now, one last thing. As I'm sure you're all aware, Feather Light is coming up to the end of her two weeks notice, and she'll be leaving us in a couple of days. I'm sure none of you have forgotten-"
>She shoots a meaningful look at you
>"-that her leaving do is tonight, so don't forget to sign the card, and I hope you've all remembered to get her a present. Heading into a new career can be tough, so let's all show out support for her by making it a party to remember."
>You nod
>Being ruler of hell doesn't sound like an easy gig
>"Gentle Touch, Clean Sheets, you're setting up the decorations. Don't mess it up"
>The two mares nod, and Staff Keeper ends the briefing
>You transform and roll.
>Well, you roll out.
>Time to go get you an assistant.
>You soon arrive at the barracks
>To your surprise, you're greeted by a squad of royal guard
>"Anon, sir. I'm to take you to the new janitor"
New /assistant/ janitor.
>The guards lead you to a locked door
>"She's been transferred to the holding cell while we waited for you."
>Two guards step to either side of the door and press their horns into a pair of locks
>Turning their heads simultaneously, there's the sound of a heavy mechanism moving and the door unlocks with a judder
>Is your new assistant a criminal or something?
>And if they are, is their punishment being forced to work with you?
>The implications are troubling
>You're ushered into the room where a pony stands
>You assume it's a pony at least, it's so covered in chains and bindings you can barely make out it's shape
>The guards' horns light up, and the manacles and chains are unwound in a flurry of movement
>Slowly, the figure of an earth pony is revealed
>She glares at you, hate seeping out of her
>"You!"
Me?
>Why's she so mad?
>"/You/!"
Me.
>"Yes, /you/."
>Her words are dripping with venom, but you think you see what she's doing
You!
>She nods
>"Yes. Me."
>You blink
Me?
>She opens her mouth, but pauses uncertainly
>"No, /me/."
Oh, so not me.
>Now it's her turn to look confused
Then him?
>You point at a nearby guard, who recoils
>"Me? Not me!"
>He raises a hoof at another guard
>"Him!"
>"Me? Why me?! You!"
>The guard gestures to a third, who points at another
>Soon everyone's gesturing wildly at each other, accusing everyone else of being 'you', 'me', 'him' or 'her'
>You take great pride in your ability to turn a room of serious professionals into a nonsensical rabble and after admiring your handiwork for a minute, you silence them all
NO!
>The room falls silent at your outburst, and you point a single finger toward the earth pony who was chained
/You/!
>She sputters
>"M-me?"
>You lean in close to her
Yes. /You/.
>Your next words shatter the stunned silence
Do I know you?

>It turns out your new assistant is an assassin
>One of the assassins who tried to kill Celestia way back when, who you foiled by mopping a floor
>Well, an ex-assassin. Now she's your janitorial assistant, and she's not taking it well
>She does look adorable in her little blue jumpsuit, but she's pouting the whole time
>Before you left, the most senior guard took you aside and explained very clearly that she wasn't to be left unattended
>Your job is to try to befriend her, and to turn her into a double agent
>That's easier said than done. She looks seriously grumpy
What's wrong? You've landed a cushy job.
>She looks at you in disbelief
>"A cushy job?! I used to be an instrument of change in the world! Princes and paupers alike were my prey! I was as the shadows, present everywhere but tangible nowhere!"
Wow. You used to be all that?
>She hesitates slightly
>"Well, no, I was in training. But I COULD have been all those things!"
>You whistle
I mean, that doesn't sound bad, but look at me.
>She looks at you
I'm a janitor, and I was offered the job of Field Marshal.
>Her eyes narrow in disbelief
It's true. You see a lot, cleaning floors. Heck, you follow my lead and in a couple of months, you could be Celestia's chief spy master!
>She ponders your words for a moment
Heck, just a couple of week backs, a good friend of mine got promoted to ruler of hell.
>Well, it was kind of a promotion
Sure, she got the gig on her own merits, but I was kind of the one who set up the interview.
>You're stretching the truth like a jumper that's three sizes too small right now, but she doesn't know that
>"You expect me to believe any of that?!"
>Huh. You need to remember to sign Feather's leaving card.
>You did get her a little present, but you need your name on that card.
>"Ruler of hell? Field Marshall? If that's all true, why are you still just mopping floors?"
>Wow, this bitch is getting on your nerves
I don't /just/ mop floors. I have a whole range of responsibilities.
>You take out your lists of jobs and shake it at her to emphasise your numerous responsibilities
I'm trusted with all kinds of things. Like...
>You scan the list
...changing the bulbs in the west wing corridors. Or fixing a leaky pipe in the bathroom of a guestroom on the fourth floor.
>"You call that important?!"
>Damn, you've been lumped with a real rookie here
Know what happens with a leaking pipe? You get damp. And then you get mould
>She shakes her head
>"Who cares about that?!"
>The insolence on this one!
>Which reminds you, you don't actually know her name
I care, and so should you, whatever your name is.
>She gives a sigh of annoyance
>"Subtle Blade."
And so should you, Subtle Blade. Because that's your job now.
>You really don't want to spend your whole day dragging her around
>She's bumming you out big time
>You arrive at the corridor in question and, sure enough, several of the light bulbs aren't illuminated
Ok. This should be an easy fix.
>That's when you remember you have an assistant
Say, Subtle Blade?
>She growls at you, menacingly
Changing light bulbs is an important part of your training.
>You hand her a box of bulbs
So yeah. I'm gonna need you to change them all
>Perfect. You get to watch the little bitch do the work.
>She looks up at you and opens her mouth to make a retort, but she remembers who she's speaking to
>"Fine. I'll change the damn bulbs."
Good. That's earned you some marks on your scorecard.
>She freezes
>"Scorecard?"
>Well, you'd been speaking figuratively
Yeah, at the end of the day, you get a score. And if it's below 50, you're to be executed. Didn't you know?
>She gasps
>"Below 50?! I-I... that's only half, right? I can manage that!"
Half? Oh no, it's actually out of 51.
>She gasps
Yeah. I thought they'd told you.
>This might make her work a little harder
>You're basically a supervisor now. And you're all about motivating your work force
>Without wasting another breath, she grabs the step ladder off the cart
>You grin to yourself as she flicks off the lights and begins your work
>The corridor is in a slightly more private wing of the castle, and all the diplomat's bedrooms are off this hall
>A rich carpet lines the floor and mahogany cabinets along the walls are stuffed with historical artefacts and archaeological treasures stolen from lesser civilizations
>Ah, imperialism.
>A door halfway down the hall opens, and a pair of voices can be heard
>"Well, darling, we wouldn't be late if you'd put it on earlier."
>Uh-oh, sounds like trouble in paradise.
>You sidle on over to be a nosy bastard more efficiently
>"Well, my dumpling, if you hadn't insisted I wear it, we'd be there on time."
>"That, /pumpkin/, is ceremonial crystal pony diplomatic dress. You HAVE to wear it."
>A white unicorn slowly slides awkwardly out of the door, stopping half way
>"And you'll notice, /dearest/, that I AM wearing it."
>Holy shit. If this gets any more passive aggressive, you'll pass right the fuck out from laughing
>The stallion is wearing a huge outfit, composed of what looks like crystal
>He grunts and tries twisting through the door, but his outfit is far too oversized
>"Back up, /stud/. You'll have to go through sideways."
>The stallion rolls his eyes, and tries to move backwards, his feet pushing vainly to move his unwieldy outfit through the door.
>"Well, move back!"
>"I'm trying!"
>There's an exasperated sigh from inside the room
>"You should have gone on that diet, /honey/."
>The white pony snorts
>"I'm not the one who needed it, /sweetheart/"
>There's a gasp from inside the room
>The stallion looks around and spots you watching him
>"Hey! You! Uh... do you think you could do me a favour."
>You leisurely stroll over
Well. I'm kind of working here.
>He stares at you
>"What job were you doing?"
Changing the light bulbs.
>He looks at your new assistant, who is attentively and efficiently changing the light bulbs
>"Isn't she doing that?"
We're both doing it. I'm supervising her
>"Oh. It's just, I'm in a bit of a, uh, sticky situation, and it would be great if you could get a message to the Crystal Empire delegate for me."
>You frown
No can do, ace. I've got to stay here and keep an eye on the new help
>You gesture at Subtle
Besides, you're a unicorn. Can't you just magic yourself out?
>He shakes his head
>"No can do, pal. There's a broad spectrum magic suppressor on the entire West Wing. A security measure for the summit"
>Well, looks like it sucks to be him
>You stand there in silence, idly kicking at the floor
>A voice pipes up from inside the room
>"What did he say?"
>The unicorn twists as much as he can, facing back into the room
>"He said he's working."
>"Oh."
>He turns back to you
>"Shining Armor"
>You nod, turning to face the set of pony armour behind you
Yeah. I polished it all last week. Took a while to get it to gleam, but-
>"No, I mean, I'm Shining Armour."
>Oh, shit
You mean that's your name?
>He nods, grinning
Why?
>He ponders your question for a minute, his eyebrows furrowing
>"Huh, guess my parents liked it. Never through about it, really."
>You get the feeling he's never really thought about anything all that hard. You guess the unlucky mare stuck in the room has the brains of the pair
Anon. I'm the janitor.
>"Oh."
>His face screws up for a minute, and you'd swear you see a bead of sweat trickle down his face. Thinking.
>He lurches back slightly, his crystal outfit gouging into the doorframe
>"Don't pull, honey, you're making it worse!"
>The voice from inside comes back
>"Well, /Shiny/, I'm not content to just sit around and wait to be rescued!"
>He groans
>Shit, she sounds like a real ball buster.
>Awesome.
>He looks at you, thinking intently
>"Heeey. Say, Anon, do you think you could take a message to the delegates if I watched your trainee here?"
>You shrug
I dunno. That seems against regulations... there'd have to be something in it for me.
>He grins slightly
>"I'll buy ya a beer!"
Nah, you'll have to do better than that.
>You examine your fingernails
You two are a couple, right?
>He nods
You have kids?
>He shakes
Ok. Then I want your first born child.
>You hear a gasp from inside the room
>"WHAT DID HE SAY?"
>Shining swallows, then laughs nervously
>"Y-you're joking, right?"
>You hold a serious face for a moment, then grin at him
Nah. I don't want your first born, haha.
>If you were going for any child, you'd have asked for their second.
>They seem like the kind to have multiple kids, and the first child is always the one that's the most loved
>It should be easier to get them to give up the second
But what I do want, Shining, is for you to name your first kid after me.
>He grins, thinking you're joking, but you just shake your head
>He blanches
>"For realsies?!"
>You nod
For realsies times a million.
>There's a grunt from inside the room, and the poor stallion is shoved forward slightly
>"Don't push!"
>"What else can I do!?"
You can name your first child Anon.
>You helpfully butt in.
>There's a moment's pause, then the female voice responds
>"What if it's a filly?"
>You shrug
It's a unisex name
>It isn't, but you don't really give a shit
>There's a moment's pause, and then a heavy sigh
>"Fine."
>Armour nods
>"Yeah, uh, we both agree it's fine!"
Alright. Brilliant. What was the message you wanted me to send?
>He thinks
>"Tell them to send urgent help immediately, and that we may not make it to today's summit."
>The summit lasts for a few days. Hopefully they can be removed from their predicament before then.
>You now
Ok, the Crystal Empire delegate, say that you're stuck and need help. Got it.
>You lean in close to him
Now you just have to keep an eye on my assistant.
>You turn and stroll away as he assures you he has plenty of experience supervising
>Stopping to let Subtle Blade know the score, you walk off toward the conference hall.
>It's a 5 minutes walk, but you know a short cut that makes it take 15.

>You're in no particular hurry to relay Shining's urgent message
>Maybe you'll take a quick cigarette break?
>"Oh, there he is!"
>You hear someone exclaim from behind you, sounding slightly frantic
>Turning, you're surprised to see Luna
>There' another alicorn with her, and she's big
>If you had to guess, you'd say she was bigger than Celestia, though not by a huge amount
>Luna and the mystery alicorn head over to you
>"My, he's a tall one! And you know what they say about that!"
>"Mother!"
>You use your immense intellect and your legendary power of deduction to come to the conclusion that the new alicorn is Luna's mum
>Luna shoots you a desperate look
>"He's my special somepony, mother! We've been together for about three months."
>Luna's mum smiles at you
>"Pleased to meet you, Anon. Luna's been telling me all about you."
>You look at Luna, who's just nodding slowly
Yeah. And I've heard a lot about you, uh... Luna's mum.
>She walks around you, looking you up and down like a piece of meat
>"So, Anon, Luna tells me you're a janitor."
>You nod, and she glances at Luna
>"That's... well, it's a stable job."
>"Anon, dear, tell my mother about your poker trip!"
>Oh shit, you never asked to be dragged into this
>You'll play along, but only to fuck with Luna
Yeah. I like poker.
>She groans
>"Tell her about the trip!"
I went on a poker trip with some friends.
>She looks at you, her eyes wide
>"Tell her about what happened on the trip, Anon!"
We played poker.
>"A poker player, eh? I quite enjoy the occasional flutter myself."
Oh.
>You don't care.
Did Luna tell you about how we met?
>Her mum shakes her regal head
>"Why, no. I don't think she did"
>You sigh wistfully
It's a night I'll never forget. I was sweeping up in a deserted corridor. Night shift, you see. I heard hoofsteps on the cold marble
>You gaze into Luna's eyes, a gentle smile forming on your face
There she was. Eyes as soft as snow, mane as wild as the sea at night.
>Luna's eyes widen, and her face reddens
She walked over to me, and I was sure I was dreaming. I know such perfection didn't exist.
>The elder alicorn is smiling tenderly
Then she said three words that I'll never forgot, not as long as there's breath in body, or a beat in my heart.
>"Oh, beautiful! What did she say?"
>You stare wistfully at Luna
"The toilet's clogged."
>Luna's eyes narrow and she shoots you a 1.21 gigawatt death glare
>Her mum chuckles
>"Good looking, and a sense of humour!"
>You almost add "is a fantastic lay" to that list, but decide against it
Yeah. Well, I've got to head off. Important work, you know?
>"Oh, we simply must catch up!"
>An evil idea pops into your mind
>A truly vile, morally wrong idea
Say, Luna's mum?
>"Yes, Anon?"
Do you think you could tell me some embarrassing stories about your daughter?
>Her mum smiles broadly
>"Oh, what else is a mother for?"
>You grin at Luna, who seems frozen in pure fear
>"Oh, but you had something to do! Well, I'm sure we'll be seeing more of each other."
We certainly will.
>You hope that Luna regrets her decision to draw you into this
>Wishing them farewell, you saunter off, feeling that that Shining prick has probably suffered enough.
>There's a commotion behind you, and spinning around you see Luna trying to physically restrain her mum.
>She fails, and her mum shouts a single questions after you
>"What do you think of foals?!"
>You answer honestly
Can't stand the little shits.
>You don't wait to see how she takes it, and just leave
>Standing outside the doors to the conference hall, you make a note to ask Luna what the fuck that was all about later
>Steeling yourself, you push into the room
>It's like the UN. That's the easiest way to describe it. Rows and rows of tables with diplomats and ambassadors all facing a central podium
>The first thing you notice is that the testicle to ovary ratio is skewed significantly toward the latter, perhaps 1:12
>The next thing you notice is Twilight
>She's standing at the podium, speaking as a griffon steps forward to sign an agreement
>"...and with the final signature, we'll finally have achieved the noble goals of this summit."
>Wow. Sounds like Twilight's cracked the case of all the problems ever
>"There will finally be a set of tools to tackle global poverty. We will be free to share resources, to work together for the betterment of all."
>"We've all made concessions, had to do things we don't want to do, but in the long run, our children and our grandchildren will be all the richer for our compromises."
>"Today, with the final signature, war will be obsolete, and we can all enter a global golden era of prosperity, happiness and goodwill"
>The hall bursts into applause, Twilight earning herself a standing ovation
>As she scans the room, her eyes fall on you
>You grin, nod and give her a big thumbs up
>At this point, several things happen, each innocuous on its own, but together they create something of a problem
>The first thing is that Twilight, completely unintentionally, says
>"Oh, hi Anon"
>The mic happens to be on.
>It also happens that the castles staff have been spreading rumours about your various exploits, and that every diplomat has secretly been hoping to meet you
>The applause stops, as the delegates notice you, one by one turning to gape at you
>They all happen to like what they see.
>"Oh, he's so tall!" swoons a giraffe
>"Those eyes, the eyes of a hunter!" a giant spider calls out
>"His hands! Oh, imagine their dexterity!" gasps a monkey
>Individually, their attraction to you wouldn't be a problem.
>Unfortunately, they all represent entire nations, their words here carrying a clout backed up by armies, by political systems, by untold millions of citizens
>Up on the stage, the griffon notices you, and freezes, mid signing
>To the griffons, it happens that ferocity and stubbornness are seen as desirable traits in a mate.
>She stands up straight, throwing her pen down
>"The Griffon Confederacy will never make these concessions!"
>She takes the agreement, and tears it to shreds, eyes fixed fiercely on yours
>As she does so, an angry looking horse shouts up
>"Well that's good, our immense wealth is ours, and ours alone! We no longer desire to share it with any of you infidels!"
>In a matter of moment, world peace and prosperity is casually flung aside in favour of petty squabbles between nations, old grudges rising to the fore
>You scan the room, and spot the crystal pony delegates
>You may have just fucked up everything for everyone forever, but the least you can do is pass your message on
>A couple of fights break out in the crowd here and there
>Well. You're sure Twilight can smooth things over
>There's a tearing noise as a minotaur picks up a whole desk and swings it into a rhinoceros, the desk shattering against her bulk
>Well, you hope Twilight can smooth things over
>You approach the crystal pony delegate, who's just staring in disbelief at the carnage
Yo. I have a message for you.
>She blinks and turns to face you, looking slightly shell-shocked
Shining Armor is stuck in a doorway. He needs help, and doesn't think he'll be able to make it.
>Well, at least you managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat
>A screeching ostrich jumps onto the table, and squawks in your face, flapping madly
>"Love me! Love me!"
>"Leave him alone, you harlot! He needs a woman with some meat on her bones!"
>The ostrich is wrestled away by a hippo
>Huh, looks like the might be time to make a tactical withdrawal
Yeah. He's pretty stuck, so you should probably send help
>You look around the at the chaos
Or don't, you know? Things don't seem great here. Anyway, take it easy. I'm off.
>Turning, you slip out of the room, gently shutting the door behind you
>As the door clicks closed, the din of battle quietens from a din to a mere ruckus
>Something seems slightly amiss
>Sure, you're an incredibly handsome. Perhaps even dangerously so. But there's no way that the reaction you got from that room was anywhere near sane
>Maybe you should look into it
>Then again, you already have a lot of work to make Subtle Blade do for you
>Speaking of, you should probably head back to her.
>It's not like she can have fucked up changing the light bulbs and more than you just fucked up international politics, right?
>Right?
>...
>You set off at a dead run
>You make the 5 minutes journey in just over a minute, skidding to a stop in the corridor
>Shit. She's gone
>Shining's still stuck in the wall though, like some kind of fucking idiot
You, where did she go?
>"Oh, uh..."
>He looks incredibly uncomfortable
>"I've got some bad news"
>Oh shit. Oh fucking shit. Is there any way this day could get any worse?
>Suddenly, the few lit bulbs all go out. The power's out.
>Well, fuck.
>You swivel to face Shining
What the hell happened here, /buddy/?
>He grins nervously
>"Well, funny story..."
>You lean in close
I'm not fucking laughing.
>He gulps
>"Your assistant tripped a fuse or something! The lights all went out. She started freaking out, then ran off to find a fusebox. They came back on, and... well, they just went off again"
>Shit. The fuse box is ancient and completely unlabelled
>The lights above you are all still out
>You need to head down to the basement and sort this mess out
Ok Shining. Since you spectacularly failed your end of out agreement, I'm going to need something else as payment. I'll think about it while I'm fixing /your/ mess.
>He hangs his head slightly
I want you to stay in that door and think about what you've done.
>So fucking much to do.
>Fuses to check, Subtle to keep and eye on, Shining to get out of that door. And Luna's mum is probably still around somewhere.
>You sigh as you hear hurried hoof steps approaching
>Turning, you see two crystal pony guards and the crystal pony delegate
>Well, they might be about to solve your problem for you
>Shining brightens as he sees his guards
>"Soldiers! I have a mission of the utmost importance! Unstick me from this door!"
>The soldiers move over to him as he continues
>"My callsign can be... Overlord, and you two can be Bandit One and Bandit Two!"
>They begin trying to wiggle him loose of the door
>Shining seems to be really getting into this callsign thing. Maybe it's all they let the simpering retard do of his supposed responsibilities.
>He looks at you excitedly
>"Oh! And you can be... Alpha Papa."
>He points at the delegate
>"You can be... uh..."
>The soldiers are pushing hard, but it's to no avail
>Everyone is just ignoring Shining
>The delegate is getting increasingly worried by the lack of progress
>"... Outlaw! That's a good one."
>This fucking guy.
>"Oh! Candy! You can be... Rook! No, how about Viper! Or Cobra!"
>"No, wait! I can be Eagle, and we can call the doorway Nest!"
>You've had it with the white moron and abruptly cut him off as he continues to rattle out code names for everything
Shut up! Shut the fuck up you massive cunt!
>He looks shocked
I swear, Shining, I swear on everything I know, that if you don't shut the fuck up, I'm going to jam my fist up your down your throat and punch you to death FROM THE INSIDE!
>That seems to have done the trick
>You've got far too much to be worrying about this
>Turning to leave, the delegate stops you
>"No, this is bad. After the riot in the conference hall we're taking a lunch break. We slipped out early, but the rest of the diplomats will come through here soon to get to the canteen"
>You shake your head
So what?
>She grabs you, a frantic look in her eye
>"So what?! So they'll all walk past Armor stuck in that door! How do you think that will reflect on our country?"
>Shit, she's right.
>You pull her hoof off you
>"You need to help! You have to fix this! You're Anon, you can do anything!"
>Huh, she's right there
>Well, Shining isn't getting out of that doorway in a hurry
I think he's going to be a permanent fixture for now. If they shut off the magical suppression field, they can just magic him out.
>You move along to a nearby cabinet
In the meantime, help me with this
>The confused mare grabs the other end, and between the two of you, you move it in front of Armor.
>He opens his mouth to protest, but a glare shuts him up
>You angle the cabinet so it blocks him from view from anyone coming down the corridor, and the soldiers do the same with a cabinet on his other side
>They look incredibly out of place, both sticking out into the hall, forming a bulge around the trapped pony
>Right, that's that sorted
Ok, you go get the suppression field turned off, I've got shit to do.
>Right, fuses first.
>You get about five steps before a new voice freezes you in your tracks
>"There he is! There's my special somepony!"
>Huh? That didn't sound like Luna.
>You turn around, and see Celestia standing there with the same alicorn from earlier
>She gives you a big wink as Luna's Mum gapes at you
>You suppose she's also technically Celestia's Mum as well, but she'll always be Luna's Mum to you.
>"What do you think, mother?"
>The two approach you and you desperately wish you were anywhere else
>"Wow, Tia..."
>She stares at you, shocked
>"... I'm so proud of you!"
>Huh?
>Celestia looks pleased as her mother hugs her
>"Oh, both of my daughters have a handsome stallion! And I see you two have finally learned to share!"
>"To share?"
>Celestia looks at you quizzically, but Luna's Mum has turned her attention back to you
>"You must be a real catch! It's a shame we couldn't talk earlier, but now you've just got to tell me everything!"
Uh, actually...
>Now is an awful time. You're beginning to get stressed about the whole fuses thing
>The last thing you need is...
>Celestia's looking at you
>This could be the perfect chance to destress in fact. Tease Celestia a bit, take your mind off work.
>And it's not as if you're shirking responsibility, is it? She's your boss! If she wants you to talk to Luna's Mum, by damn, you'll do it
...that's a brilliant idea!
>The mares nods
>"So, tell me about yourself!"
>You smile
Well, I went to university to study physics.
>"Oh, wow! You've got a real brainy one here, Celly!"
Yeah. I dropped out after the second year. I found I was spending more time smoking pot and partying than studying.
>She blinks
>"Oh."
Yeah. I got sucked through a magical portal and ended up here. Got a job as a janitor. I play poker on Fridays."
>She stares at you for a moment
>"Oh... well, uh, tell me more about /you/. What kind of music do you like?"
Screamo rapcore.
>"Uh, what about family?"
All dead.
>"Ideal political system?"
Democracy.
>She breathes a sigh of relief
But ziggers, queers and mares don't get to vote.
>Celestia's just staring at you in disbelief as Luna's Mum continues, but you keep up your 'I'm-awful-boyfriend-material' answers
>"Favourite film?"
Backdoor Sluts 9
>"Favourite book?"
I'm barely literate
>"Aspirations for the future?"
Nope.
>She's starting to get really desperate
>"Do you... play any instruments?"
I can burp the alphabet, if that counts
>She shakes her head
>"It doesn't. Any hobbies other than poker?"
Janitorial work.
>"Janitorial work is a hobby for you?"
>You nod and she finally grins
>"Ah, so you enjoy your job! That's good, you don't want to be in the wrong career."
>Holy shit. She wants to accept you because she thinks her daughters both love you, but she's really clutching at straws here
>Celestia rallies, and tries to take command of the conversation before it can spiral any more out of control
>"He's a very romantic man, mother."
>The elder alicorn looks at you in surprise
>"He is?"
>Celestia nods
>"He's always buying me little presents, or surprising me with compliments."
>She smiles sappily, her eyes focussing
>"Why, just the other day, while I was working, he left a single red carnation on my desk, with a note saying 'I love you' so I'd see it when I got back"
>What? Either Celestia's a very good actress, or she's thought about this before
>"And the dates, he's always surprising me with a nice outing. A picnic for two in the gardens, a nice meal at a fancy restaurant, an evening at the opera."
>She sighs
>"He's so... perfect."
>Luna's Mum looks at Celestia, then at you. Then back to Celestia, raising an eyebrow
>"Well, I'm just glad you've finally managed to find a stallion."
>Celestia goes stiff as her mother continues
>"Twelve thousand years old and she's never had a special somepony. Not so much as a kiss."
Oh, really?
>You grin at Celestia, not quite sure if she's still breathing
>Luna's Mum just nods
>"Yes. She's always been shy around stallions she liked. Almost embarrassing, really. She had an awkward puberty."
>Holy shit, it's like Luna's Mum wants to embarrass Celestia as much as you do
>"She had a growth spurt when she was young, and didn't fill out for a while. Very lanky, you know?"
>You don't, but you just nod anyway
>Celestia hasn't moved an inch
>Maybe she's died of embarrassment and rigor mortis already set in
>Her mother shows no signs of stopping
>"A terrible bed wetter, to boot. Luna was never too bad, but Celestia was sleeping in nappies well into her teenage years."
>Ok, wow. Now you're starting to feel a little bad
>Time to change the subject. And you have a fuse thing to sort out
Yeah, well. We've talked about me and Celestia, what about you? You just visiting?
>She nods
>"Yes, I'm here with my husband. We like to do a surprise visit every once in a while. It's important to stay in touch with family."
Where's your husband?
>The elegant alicorn giggles, her voice as rich as honey, her mane serenely floating around her pale face
>Holy shit she's hot
>MILF rating: mmmtasty/10
>"He's resting. Interdimensional travel does't agree with him. In fact, our room is just down this hall if you wanted to meet him."
>You really should get to sorting out the fuses. And finding Subtle.
Maybe later. I have to-
>Oh shit, almost forgot that you have to sign Feather Light's birthday card
>You rub at your temple
>So much to do
-I have to do a few things.
>She nods
>"Ok, but we'll have to have a meal together, all of us. Me, Greg, you, Celestia and Luna."
>Celestia blinks
>"Why with Luna?"
>Oh shit, this could get messy. You have to be /very/ careful what you say here
We're in an open, three way relationship, remember? I'm with you /and/ her.
>Celestia's eyes shrink to pinpricks as she gasps violently
>"What?! She asked you as well?! BITCH!"
>With that, she turns around and dashes off
>Luna's Mum says bye before following suit
>Alright. Now it's finally time to-
>"Anon!"
>You take a deep breath
>This better be important or some bitch is going to be getting slapped
>"I've been looking for you, Anon."
>It's Twilight Sparkle.
>You breathe a sigh of relief. She you can handle
Oh, hey. How's the diplomat thing going?
>She shakes her head
>"Things are bad Anon."
>Well, fuck
>"The Griffon Confederacy and the Minotaur Republic have formed an alliance along with a handful of smaller states on the understanding that they each get you a different day of the week."
Why? Why do they care about me so much?
>Twilight avoids your eye
>"I have, uh, no idea!"
>Yeah fucking right.
So there's a military alliance being formed?
>She nods
>"Several, actually."
>Wow, you better change your name to Franz Ferdinand, because you're about to be the cause of a world war.
>"Things are looking... bleak. I just wanted to warn you that the delegates will be coming this way soon. You probably want to hide."
>Want to hide? What you really want to do is fix the fucking fuses and do your job
Thanks for the heads up. Was there anything else?
>She shakes her head
I'll head off. Good luck sorting it all out.
>"Thanks. I'm going to need it."
>With that, Twilight scurries off and you head back the way you came
>You'll have to loop round and go a different way
>Being raped by a load of diplomats isn't your idea of a fun time
>Well, actually it is. But you have more important things to do right now
>"Anon!"
>Seriously?
What?
>It's the crystal pony delegate
>"I couldn't get them to turn of the suppression field! They said it was-"
So? Why are you telling me? This is your problem.
>She taps her hooves together nervously
>"While I was gone, one of the guards tried to climb over Shining to take Cadence some food. She was getting hungry."
>You can guess where this is going
What, this guard got stuck as well?
>"Yeah. A bit."
>You sigh
>This is something you should probably sort out, but it's going to have to wait
I'll put it on my to-do list.
>You look at the two cabinets
>Wait a minute...
Weren't there two guards?
>The delegate avoids your meeting your gaze
>"Well, after the first guard got stuck trying to go OVER, the other thought he'd try going UNDER Shining."
>Wow. You're not sure how to respond to that, so you decide to ignore it
Fine.
>You leave the embarrassed ambassador without another word
>Feels good to finally be leaving that damn corridor
>You head down another passage, but stop when a door abruptly opens in front of you
>Luna's Mum steps out. That must be her room
>Shit, hopefully Luna and Celestia came clean and she knows you're not actually a couple. Or triple, you guess.
>She spots you
>"Oh, hey there Anon! Came to meet Greg? Wonderful!"
Well, no, I was just going to-
>"Greg! Greg! Come meet your new son-in-law!"
>Son-in-law? What the hell have the princesses been saying?
>There's a grumbling from inside the room, and out steps a pony
>A brown earth pony. With thick rimmed glasses
>"What's that? What's that Sue?"
>The alicorn points to you
>"Him. He's the one I was telling you about."
>He peers at you over his glasses
>You can't believe that Luna's Mum, apparently called Sue, is married to this guy
You're married?
>Shit, you can't get distracted. You something you seriously need to sort out
>The stallion responds
>"We've been married for three hundred thousands years, and a couple of those years we were even happy about it."
>Luna's Mum giggles
>"Oh, Greg. I've always loved your sense of humour."
>He shakes his head
>"It's bad enough travelling through dimensions, and now she expects me to meet new people! I always get a headache when we go, but does that stop her? No!"
Uh, listen, I really should-
>"And don't get me started on the food they serve in those interdimensional cart rides! It's mush!"
>Luna's mum is just standing there, smiling pleasantly while her husband prattles on
Listen, I'm having a bit of trouble and I really have to-
>"You think you're having trouble? I have to pee twice an hour! When you get to my age, your bladder-"
>There's a screech from down the hall
>"There he is!"
>It's a cadre of delegates, maybe twenty or so
>With the way Greg was going on, you're almost glad of the interruption
>Almost
>You turn tail and flee as they stampede after you, leaving a stunned looking alicorn and an old pony behind
>As you go round the corner back into the corridor you were originally in and sprint for the other end, another mob of delegates appears, blocking your escape route
>Shit
>You come to a stop in front of the cabinets blocking Shining from view
>There's no way out. You're trapped.
>The swarm behind you has grown, and their approach slows
>It's difficult to be sure, but it looks like pretty much all the diplomats are here
>Fuck
Hey, uh, everyone. How's it going?
>They're slowly closing in on you from both directions
>Well, something either very good or very bad is about to happen.
Having a good day... diploming, are you?
>You glance to your janitor's cart
>Maybe you could use the old 'throw bleach in their eyes' trick
>On one side of the corridor, the griffon from earlier steps forward, flanked by a gigantic minotaur
>"The New World Order stands united! We will claim Anon for ourselves!"
>On the other side, the giraffe steps forward
>"This aggression will not stand! The International Anon Protection Pact will see you die before you hold Anon in your talons!"
>Well, fuck
>"Uh, buddy? How's the whole getting me out of this door thing going?"
Not now, Shining.
>The griffon squawks with rage
>"You two bit harlot! I'll gouge your eyes out!"
>Before she can do that, there's a commotion at the back of the crowd
>Celestia and Luna push to the front of the crowd
>You breath a huge sigh of relief. You're saved
>You fail to spot the anger on their faces
>"Why the hell did tell our parents you were /LUNA/'s coltfriend?!"
It just kind of happened, it-
>"I ASKED HIM FIRST!"
>Celestia doesn't look happy
>"You knew I liked him! This is like Sunny Smiles all over again!"
>"OH, IT'S ALWAYS LIKE SUNNY SMILES!"
>"You there, buddy? What's going on?"
Not now, Shining.
>Before you can decide the best course of action, there's movement from the other diplomat mob
>They all step back, as Subtle Blade staggers through
>She looks a mess, her hair and face singed, and she's twitching slightly
>"I... I did it, Anon"
>There's a weak smile on her face
What the fuck happened?
>"The fuses, they... they caught on fire. But I fixed it, Anon. I fixed all the fuses."
>She staggers over to the light switch, and flicks it
>The lights all flicker on, and she collapses against the wall, sliding down it slowly
>"Did I do good, Anon? Did I pass?"
>You're actually pretty impressed
>It looks like she's been through hell and back
Yeah, you passed. 51, Subtle. C-.
>She smiles as her eyes close
>"C-. I'm... I'm just having a quick nap."
>Damn
We need a doctor!
>Celestia and Luna are still arguing, and the diplomats are just watching silently
>"Mother always loved you better! You were the eldest!"
>"Girls! What's gotten into you!"
>A new voice joins the growing cacophony
>Brilliant. Luna's Mum and Greg have joined the party.
>"Luna was lying, mother! Anon's all mine!"
>"Uh, buddy? I'm starting to get uncomfortable here!"
>"You think you're uncomfortable? Try being four hundred thousand years old! I can't even lie down without something aching!"
>You spin to Greg
How are you even still alive?!
>He looks at you blankly
>"The same way everything that's still alive is: I'm not dead."
The average pony life expectancy is what, seventy, eighty? How can you be five thousand times older than that?!
>"Why do they die at that age?"
>You shake your head
I have no idea! Just... disease, or they get sick!
>"And if they don't get a disease or a fatal condition?"
Well...
>"Buddy?"
Not now, Shining!
>"I'm alive because nothing's killed me, and a fat load of good it's done me! I get these terrible headaches, and..."
>"Luna always gets the stallions! And I can't even-"
>"Stand down, or we will declare war! Anon will be-"
>"Buddy? I really need to use the bathroom, and-"
>Shit, this is escalating fast, but at least Subtle's still breathing
>Another pony makes their way through the crowd
>This time it's a maid
>She smiles at you and hands you over an envelope
>"Hey Anon. Staff Keeper said you needed to sign Feather's card."
>She hands the card over
Uh, thanks Clean Sheets.
>"No problem."
>She glances around at the unfolding chaos
>"I'll leave you to it, then"
>With that, she wanders off
>Your head is starting to ache
>Another pony wanders through the crowd, this time it's Twilight Sparkle
>"Anon?"
What?!
>"Is now a good time?"
No, Twilight, now is literally /the worst possible time/.
>She waves a hoof, obviously not paying attention to what you just said
>"Good. I may have done something I shouldn't have..."
>She looks incredibly guilty, and she's distracted
>"I may have kinda... added an enchantment to the magic suppressor."
>So? Why should that bother you, you're immune to all that magic shit
Wonderful. Was it an enchantment that makes everyone go completely batshit insane?
>She takes a sudden interest in the ground
>"Uhhh..."
Why, Twilight?! What did you do?
>"It was an empathy enhancer. It was supposed to make all the diplomats more open to making the concessions!"
>Wow, that's messed up
Ok, and now you feel guilty about mind fucking everyone. Turn it off.
>She fidgets a little more
>"I... I can't. Not until everyone's back to normal."
>You blink
What?
>"All the delegates, Anon. Their mild attraction to you was enhanced, and it's driven them to this!"
>She gestures to the assembled diplomats, who have begun pulling out nasty looking improvised weapons
>The minotaur has a kitchen knife duct taped to a broom handle as a makeshift spear, and the griffon ambassador is menacingly swinging a length of chain
>On the other side, a monkey is clutching a snooker ball in a sock, and a giant frog thing is trying to light a molotov cocktail
>Both sides are fielding a nasty array of weapons
>"They're not normally like this, Anon! It's the suppression field! You need to do something to get them to calm down, then I can remotely turn it off"
Ok, what should I-
>"Anon, tell Celestia she's being weird!"
Celestia, maybe you should just-
>"Anon, are you really dating both of my daughters?"
Well, the truth is-
>There's a hacking cough from Subtle who pulls herself up weakly
>"C-? What the hell do you mean C-? I got 100%!"
Well, yeah, but it was only 51-
>"International Anon Protection Pact! Prepare to charge!"
No, don't prepare to charge-
>"Hey, buddy? I don't need the toilet any more"
Not now, Shining, I'm-
>"Oh, he thinks he's got it bad! I can get it up about the as often as my wife wants to sleep with me, which is to say never!"
You shouldn't be alive! And why are you-
>"Anon, tell them we're not sharing!"
>You close your eyes and rub your pounding head
We're not-
>"Anon!"
>Your eyes snap open
SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
>There's a shocked silence at your words, a sea of stunned faces watching you
>You turn to Luna's Mum and Greg
I'm not dating either of your daughters. I was just pretending.
>You walk over to where the cabinets are push one aside, revealing Shining with pair of guards, one stuck beneath him, one above.
Subtle Blade, you got a C-. You did good, but that's the top score I can give you. You can try for an A tomorrow.
>You examine Shining's crystal outfit, and take a step back
Celestia, sure you had a difficult adolescence, but now you're an attractive, interesting mare in your own right and you have nothing to prove to anyone, least of all me. Just be yourself, and stop assuming your sister's trying to steal everything from you.
>You plant a firm kick on Armor's armour. Cracks spread through the crystal, and a moment later it shatters, the three trapped ponies spilling out
Shining's wife, pink princess lady. Be less passive aggressive. If you have a problem, come out with it so you two can solve it rather than just escalating.
>Turning, you head back to your janitor's cart
Shining, speak less. A lot less. Like, not at all.
>You rummage through a pocket and produce a pen
Luna, you need to stop trying to steal everything off your sister. Sure, you look up to her and want to be like her but don't try to become her by taking all her things, especially if you're not really interested in them.
>She nods sheepishly
>Leaning over your cart, you remove Feather's card from its envelope
>It's a stylised picture of Feather sitting on an ebony throne in the underworld.
>The words 'Give 'em hell!' are written across the top
Greg, you seem like a decent guy, but you should be really dead right now. No offence.
>"No offence, he says, no offence! What use-"
>He stops when sees the look on your face
>"-would it be to take offence? None taken, of course none taken!"
Twilight, it was wrong of you to try to manipulate people through magic, and it goes against the core principle of diplomacy which is to use words to manipulate people.
>She nods glumly
>With a flourish, you sign the card, then slip it back in its envelope.
>Standing, you address the diplomats
As for you lot, it may interest you all to know that the thing I find most attractive is politically defined areas of land being represented by individuals who all work together and do whatever they can to aid on another on a global scale.
>You point at Twilight
She'll tell you how to do that.
>There's silence for a moment before the diplomats all throw down their weapons en masse
>"I want to increase the Confederacy's international aid budget!"
>"I'm going to sign every single international peace agreement I see!"
>"Let's go and draft some new legislation!"
>With that, the hordes merge and rush off towards the conference hall
>Twilight grins at you
>"I'll turn it off straight after they've all signed!"
>You shrug, your headache alleviated slightly
>"Oh, before I go, your natural resistance to magic means the suppression field may have had some... adverse effects on you."
>Brilliant
Like what? Am I gonna grow a third arm or something?
>She shakes her head
>"Nothing like that, just general feelings of discomfort, stress, that sort of thing."
Headaches?
>She nods
>"Small effects like that. Anyway, I'm off."
>She scampers off cheerfully
>"Thanks, buddy, for getting me out of that door! I was starting to think I'd have to eat my own leg or something!"
Why? Why would you ever think that?
>You don't wait for his response
>Instead, you grab your janitor's trolley
Subtle, you've learned well
>You hand her your job list
Do these, and you'll be one step closer to that A.
>She gives a weak cheer, then coughs violently before slowly walking
>With that, you begin to push your trolley away
>"Wait."
>Luna's Mum steps forward
>"I wasn't sure about you, Anon, but I think I see what Celestia sees in you. If anything ever does happen between you two, I'd be happy for both of you."
>With that, she walks off
>Celestia smiles at you
>"Did you really mean all that, Anon? What you said about me?"
>You nod
Yeah, I did. I know you're interested in me, have known for a long time, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't interested in you at all.
>Her grin widens
>"Well, I guess I'll see you around Anon."
>You nod
Well, yeah. I work here and you live here, so that's a given.
>She walks off, and Luna nods quickly to you before going after her, chatting to her sister
>You begin walking off, but Greg moves close to you
>"Want to know my secret, Anon? How I'm still alive? Even Sue doesn't know it."
>You shrug
If you tell me, it's not really a secret any more.
>He grins
>"Well, if you don't want to know, I'll keep it to myself. If you ever change your mind and want to learn the secret to immortality, just let me know. It's all yours."
>He winks, then hobbles off after his wife
>Huh, odd.
>Finally, you can push your cart away.
>After everything that's happened today, you think you've earned a nap and a quick browse of the new playcolt that's been waiting for you in your janitor's closet.
>It's not even mid afternoon yet
>Despite all the rushing around and, well, the dramatic spiral the first half of your day's taken, your'e sure the afternoon will be better.
>Starting with your nap.
>Where else could you nap on the job and get away with it?
>Heck, you even have a burn and possibly even electrocution victim doing your work for you.
>And at the end of the day, you can say you did it all because you were supervising her.
>Damn, you love you job.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


>"Come on Anon. Just one opera. That's all I'm asking."
>Every since you gave her that little pep talk a couple of weeks ago, Celestia's been a lot more confident around you
>It's nice to see more of her personality, though there are the occasional spergtastic moments
>On the whole though, she's much more enjoyable to be around
>"It's next Friday, and it's the new opera from Terrance Milligan! It's completely based around the Fresh Fruit Song featured in his seminal work, and-"
>You tune her out as you step outside, followed closely by your assistant, Subtle Blade, and head down the stone steps leading to the harden
>Today, you have to trim some shrubbery in the gardens
>It's a perfect day for some outdoors work, and you have the feeling today will be a good day
I dunno, Celestia. You know how much I hate opera.
>"You've never even been! Come on, Anon. At least join me for the first half? If you really hate it, we can just leave."
I don't think so, Celestia.
>You frown
>It's getting harder and harder to turn her down
>And not just because she's becoming more insistent
>You reach the bottom of the stone stairs
>"Come on, Anon! It'll be fun, I promise."
>Huh, that's probably true.
>And it's not like you have any plans
>You stop abruptly, Subtle ploughing into your behind
>She hastily backs up, trying to play it off
>You'll have to tease her about taking some marks off her score card for assaulting you or something
>Joking aside, she's a fantastic assistant. She works incredibly hard and, since she warmed up to you, you have a lot of fun together
>Turning to face Celestia, who's waiting at the top of the stairs, you grin
You know what Tia? I think it's a da-
>Something hits you on the top of your head
>Hard.
>You go down like a sack of shit, sprawled out on the floor
>Ouch.
>You don't know what's worse; the blow to your cranium or the one to your ego
>Hastily, you scramble to your feet, rubbing at your head
>Seeing the mares' horrified looks, you chuckle
Don't worry, I'm good
>They're still staring at you
>Celestia takes a few steps down the stairs
>"Anon?"
>You give her a double thumbs up
Honestly, it's fine. All hunky dory.
>Her eyes widen as she takes another couple of steps
>Subtle seems startled too, giving a shout of alarm
>"He's not moving!"
>You blink
Uh...
>You wave a hand at her
What do you call this, then?
>At that point, you realise that the pair don't seem to be looking at you
>More like they're looking /through/ you
>A sense of dread builds in the pit of your stomach as you turn around
>They better not be fucking with you
>As you look behind you, you're unpleasantly surprised to see yourself lying sprawled face down on the floor, the back of skull a bloody pulp
Well, fuck me.
>A few shards of pottery dotted around reveal the cause of your wound
>You look up
>It must have fallen from one of the windows
>Celestia and Subtle are still freaking out
>You take a few steps toward your body
>It seems so surreal
>You reach out to poke it with a foot, and your foot phases right through your chest
>That doesn't really tell you a lot. This could be an Out of Body Experience, an OBE. Things could still-
>"He's not breathing!"
>Subtle's taking your pulse
>Oh, never mind. You're dead, it would seem
>Bummer. You don't particularly want to be dead.
>Maybe you can get a message to Feather. She seems like she might have some say in this sort of thing
>You're distracted from your train of thought by Subtle beginning CPR
Oh, come on! It's a head wound. What good is that gonna do? Just stop!
>She can't hear you though, and continues her attempt to save your life
>Oh shit, she's trying to save your life!
Don't stop! Pump harder, you bitch, or it's a D-, see me after class!
>Your protest falls on death ears, and you sigh
>Got to stay calm. You can sort this out.
>Celestia is standing stock still on the stairs, her face frozen in a slack jawed shock, her pupils pinpricks
>Well, fuck
>And you thought today was gonna be a /good/ day
>Damn, you need a smoke right now.
>You wonder...
>Earlier, you'd rolled one and stuck it behind your ear for safe keeping
>Maybe it was obliterated by the plant pot, and its spirit passed on too
>Reaching behind your ear, you're pleasantly surprised to find the ghostly spirit of an expertly rolled cigarette
>Pulling it out, you pat yourself down, looking for a lighter
>There's click, and you look up to see a zippo lighter levitating before you, aflame with a ghostly blue light
>Looking around, you spot a robed pony skeleton standing nearby, a hoof wrapped around a twisted scythe
>You light your cigarette and take a long drag
Cheers.
>The hooded figure nods
>"No problem"
>It strolls over
>"Well actually, we do have a problem. You're not Subtle Blade"
>You blink
Uh, what?
>"You're not Subtle Blade."
>Spinning round, you see the pony in question pounding on your chest, shouting "Live, dammit!"
>Your shoulders sag
>Looks like you took a bullet for her. Well, a plant pot, but the phrase still fits
No. I'm Anon.
>The spooky skeleton pauses, cocking its head
>"Ah."
>Reaching a hoof into his cloak, he pulls out a sheet of paper
>"Yeah, I'm supposed to be here for one 'Subtle Blade'."
>He peers at you again
>"You're human are you? Shit. This makes things even more complicated."
So... I'm not supposed to be dead?
>The skeleton opens its mouth, but hesitates
>"Well, no. But you are. The Requisition Department are supposed to organise this side of things. I'm only here for collection."
So does that mean I can be brought back to life?
>The Reaper sighs
>"Look, if I had it my way, I'd just zap you straight back and be on my merry way."
But you can't?
>"But I can't. There's too much red tape with an inter-dimensional soul. I'm gonna have to take you back to the ministry, and they can process you there."
The ministry?
>He nods
>"The ministry of death."
>Oh, this already sounds like a lot of work
>Not being dead was never this hard before
>You take another long drag
So, we go to this Ministry of Death, and then they can send me back?
>The reaper just shrugs
>"I really have no idea how they handle cases like this. Normally I just tap the recently departed with my scythe and the spirit shoots off to wherever it should be."
>This doesn't sound like it'll be fun
Can't you just pop me back in? I won't tell anyone.
>The skeleton considers it for a moment
>"Sorry, but I really can't. I have to report that Subtle Blade wasn't killed, and your name will crop up, and then there's a huge paper trail that needs to be followed"
>He shakes his head
>"It's getting pretty ridiculous recently. There's been a change of management with one of biggest clients, and in response the higher-uppers decided a whole corporate restructuring was needed."
Oh, shit. Sounds messy.
>He nods
>"They've taken on a load of new workers, but put them straight into roles they're not qualified for. Whoever was sent out for Subtle's acquisition must have been a novice."
No shit.
>He looks around, then leans in, speaking slightly lower
>"To be honest, a lot of us are fed up with it. This used to be a tight ship, but it's been getting more and more bureaucratic. There's a lot of talk of unionising and pushing for better conditions."
You're not already in a union?
>"No, we've never really needed one. The problem is taking action. We're civil servants, see, and if we all stopped doing our jobs, our clients would suffer more than the fat cats would."
>Huh. You remember the time you went on strike with the union you started
Sometimes that's necessary though. Let me tell you about the time I led a strike...

~

>You'd hated making a packed lunch for work. You were just too lazy. Instead, you'd decided to take a very different approach to getting your midday meal
>Friends of All Professions, FAP, was a perfect idea. Your demands were incredibly simple. You'd managed to get them met, though not without resistance
>"Staff Keeper," you'd said, "I'm on strike until all members of the union I represent are given free lunches."
>She'd reminded you that you were the only member of the union you represent, and that as such didn't have a lot of influence
>You'd rushed out and managed to triple your membership in a day
>Feather Light had joined when you asked her politely, and you managed to wrangle a foreign noble who spoke poor English in on the whole thing
>"You want free lunch?" You had asked him. "Free? No pay? Ja!". You'd handed him a placard and told him to follow you
>The picket line had consisted of you three
>"What do we want?"
>"Free meals!"
>"Freh mels!"
>The noble, Gunter, hadn't really understood, but his presence was what mattered
>You'd all stood there for an hour chanting and calling anyone who walked past a scab
>Eventually, Staff Keeper herself showed up
>"We stand united! We won't stop FAP'ing until out demands are met!"
>She'd then reminded you that you and Feather were already eligible for free meals while you were in the castle, as all staff were.
>You'd argued that your demand was for all members of your union to be offered free meals, including Gunter who didn't work at the castle
>She informed you that that wasn't possible and left
>You'd protested for another half an hour but it got quite boring, so you had to make a difficult decision
>"Gunter, I'm sorry but I have to do what's best for the union. We have to cancel your membership."
>It was a hard choice to make but you're confident it was the right one, especially since you got what you originally set out for
>"No free food?" He seemed disappointed
>"Not for you, Gunter. Not for you."

~

...and that's how I earned a 150% pay rise for the forty thousand members of my union.
>You may have slightly embellished one or two facts in the retelling, but it makes for a more interesting story, you feel
>The reaper gives a whistle
>"I've got to say, we could use someone like you. Just to help us get the union started, you know?"
>You shrug
Yeah, we'll have to stay in contact
>You take a final toke and drop the butt, stepping on it
So what happens now?
>"Well, I'll give you a ride to the MoD and we'll see what happens from there. I've got more work, so I'll introduce you to a colleague who'll do their best to sort this all out."
>You shrug
Sounds like a plan.
>"Ok, brilliant. My ride's just round the corner"
>He leads the way and you follow
So, what's your name?
>"Carl. I've been a reaper now for maybe seven hundred years."
Wow. Does it not get boring after a while?
>You turn the corner and head toward a parked golf buggy
>It's painted black, with DoD in white across the front
>"Well, it does drag occasionally, but I love meeting new people."
>You both climb in and he starts the engine
>"The pay's not great, but it's more vocational work. That's the way most of us reapers feel."
So there are lots of you guys, reapers, who release the souls?
>"Yeah. Each sapient species gets their own kind as reapers, so we're a pretty diverse department. There are about 30 pony reapers alone."
What classes as sapient? Are, say, dogs sapient?
>The pony pulls away
>"No idea. Dogs don't get reapers, so I'd guess not."
What about dragons and griffons, people like that?
>"Oh, of course they get their own reapers. Don't get me wrong, there's no prejudice or anything. We are all citizens of the same nation, and our king rides a pale horse."
>Wow, that sounds pretty ominous
You have a king?
>He waves a hoof
>"I was speaking figuratively"
>You cruise through the castle gardens in silence for a while
A horse seems pretty dated, too.
>"Again, we don't have a king. It was a-"
And besides, what race would he even be? There must be a hundred sapient species. And aren't horses one? Wouldn't riding a horse be racist or some-
>"Ok, ok. I get it."
It's not like you don't even have mechanised transport.
>You give the buggy a pat, and he jumps on the opportunity to talk about something else
>"Yeah, that's one perk of the job. Sometimes, on a quiet shift, we race these bad boys."
>He leans in conspiratorially
>"When they last updated the fleet, the mechanics were supposed to disassemble the old rides. Instead, they souped them up, and we formed up teams. First Wednesday of every month, we race 'em."
>That actually sounds pretty awesome
Shouldn't the mechanics be doing their jobs?
>Carl shakes his skeletal head
>"Nah, these puppies are practically invincible. Rather than all standing around doing nothing, they each maintain a few of the old ones. Upgrade the engines, chrome the exhausts. Add a hot new paint job. That sort of thing."
The more I hear, the more I want one.
>As you approach the castle's main gate, phasing through anything blocking the garden path, a portal opens in it, a black tear in reality
Metal.
>"Huh?"
I just wondered how the ministry building is
>"Oh, we'll be there in about ten minutes"
>With that, you trundle through the portal
>You pass the next five minutes or so chatting pleasantly as you drive through an empty black void
>To be honest, it's like a taxi ride with a friendly driver
>Who also happens to be a spooky skeleton
>"...and so she tells me she thinks I'm too immature!"
So you left her?
>"Damn right I did. I grabbed my collectible figurines and got the hell out of there. Not before I left her an upper decker, mind you."
Wow, sounds like she was completely deluded.
>He nods
>"Tell me about it"
>Before this story, he spent a whole two minutes describing his cosplay for InterComicCon
>The irony's lost on him
>Before he can go on, a building looms out of the darkness
>An oppressive building of concrete looms up, small windows dotting the outside of the multi-tiered building
>You're instantly reminded of the SIS HQ, but it looks darker, and it's about three times the size
>It sits in the black void, just kind of floating ominously
>"Oh, almost there!" Carl cheerfully says as he pulls round the back
>You go down a ramp and into a disappointingly mundane looking underground carpark
>He pulls over by a lift
>"I've got to go park up and deal with some paperwork. In the meantime, you head up to the lobby, go to the reception desk, and ask for Manny."
Manny?
>He nods
>"Manny. He's a real good friend of mine, a real straight shooter. He'll see you right."
Manny, got it. Thanks for the ride.
>He waves a hoof
>"No problem. And I'll be in touch about the whole union thing."
>With a gentle buzz, his buggy rolls off deeper into the car park, and you hit the button for the lift
>It arrives with a ding
>You're not sure what you were expecting, but it's a fairly standard lift
>Big clean mirrors on the walls, well lit, a bright set of buttons on one side of the door
>No shrieking skulls, no skeleton attendant saying "Next stop, HELL!" and the lift plummeting down.
>Heck the piped music coming through the lift as you ascend sounds completely normal for lift music
>This is all a fairly large disappointment
>Would it kill them to make the place a little more atmospheric?
>The doors open smoothy into a lobby
>Again, you're disappointed
>You could be in literally any modern office building right now, despite the place's outward appearance
>Big fountain/modern art thing in the centre, a bored looking receptionist behind a desk
>She's a skeleton, so at least that's something
>You sidle on over
Hey there.
>She looks up. You guess she's a griffon, from the beak
>"Welcome to the Ministry of Death. How can I help you today?"
I'm here to see Manny.
>She turns toward a computer screen, hidden behind the desk
>"You have an appointment?"
Uh... yes.
>The griffon shakes her head
>"Not with Manny, you don't. He's on his vacation for the next two weeks."
>Shit
In that case I'm here to see...
>Think of a name, any name
... Mr Ber...ang...ington.
>She stares at you with what you expect is suspicion
>"Mr Berangington?"
>You nod, and she taps at her keyboard for a moment
>"I don't have anyone by that name on file..."
Oh, what am I thinking, that's his maiden name. His new name is, uh...
>You can feel yourself starting to sweat
... it's Dwinpfson.
>Shit, that's worse
>She checks the name
>"Mr Dwinpfson doesn't exist either. You don't have an appointment, do you?"
>You purse your lips
I mean, what /is/ an appointment, when you really think about it, you know?
>She turns back to the screen
>"I can make one for you now, if you like."
Ah, that would be very helpful, actually.
>"They don't just hire me for my looks, you know."
>She taps away as she asks you a few questions
>"Can I ask what this is about?"
I'm dead.
>Taptaptap
>"Uh-huh, afraid I'm gonna need more information than that, hun"
I don't want to be dead
>"Ah, client complaints."
>She hums to herself
>"You're in luck. There's an opening in two hours with a fairly senior member of our customer relations team."
Two hours? What could I do for two hours?
>She leans over the desk slightly
>Picking up a pen, she twiddles it between her claws
>"Well, I know a way we could kill half an hour."
>Is she hitting on you?
>You're flattered, but you prefer your women with a pulse
You're an avid chess player too?
>She sighs
>"Never mind. Was there any more details you wanted to tell me about your complaint?"
Uh, yeah. Apparently, the requisition team missed their target and got me instead. I'm also from another dimension.
>She sits still for a moment
>"Oh, that complicated things. You'll be seen a lot sooner than two hours if all that's true. Why don't you take a seat while I update your file?"
>She gestures you toward a waiting area further inside the lobby
Sure.
>You sit down on a row of comfy chairs
>There's a table with some magazines on it
>You spot Women's Weekly
>That sounds... incredibly interesting. You always enjoyed reading women's magazines
>Not because they were good, fuck no, but because they always failed to understand men so spectacularly
>Grabbing women's weekly, you begin flicking through it
>"5 Things Your Collar Bone Says About You!"
>"I Sold My Marrow To Pay For His Girlfriend's Hip Replacement!"
>"Why Your Man Spends So Long In The Can!"
>Every page has an article like that, complete with incorrect capitalisation and an exclamation mark.
>After maybe ten minutes reading, you hear someone shuffle over and take a seat
>Looking up, you're surprised to see a pair of conjoined twins
>They sit down and begin arguing
>One is agitated, the other just seems resigned
>"I don't see why I have to die!"
>"Because we share internal organs. If one of us dies, we both die."
>"How's that fair?! I've never smoked in my life! Just because we share lungs, I'm penalised for your bad habits?"
>The other twin gives a sigh
>"We didn't even die from anything lung related, why does that matter?"
>"Because, dear sister, if we had better lung capacity, we could have jumped out of the way of that runaway cart"
>"I don't think jumping is based on lung capacity."
>The two continue to argue, and you listen in, curious
>After another ten minutes, there's the click clack of bone on floor and a skeleton wearing a well fitted suit arrives
>"Anon?"
>He looks between you and the conjoined twins
>"Which one of you is Anon?"
>Seriously?
Me. I'm Anon.
>He faces you, his skull locked in a grin
>"Excellent, I'm Coffin Bone, and I've heard you've had a couple of problems with your death experience."
Well, just one problem really.
>You don't want to be dead.
>"Just the one? Why don't we head up to my office and discuss this properly"
>With that, he shepherds you to the lift, then up to his office
>You're disappointed on the journey to his office
>The whole building is just depressingly mundane
>It could literally be any office anywhere, apart from the abnormally high number of undead workers
>You even passed a couple of skeletons having a friendly chat at a water cooler about 'Carol from accounting'
>As far as you knew, water cooler chats were just a stereotype
It's a nice place you have here
>"Oh yeah, the offices were all recently renovated. Used to be a lot more sinister, but we found that impacted negatively on staff morale, not to mention being disquieting for our clients"
>Huh. That does make sense. A terrifying death office would be fun to visit, but working somewhere like that might get old
>Especially if the walls bled. Blood can be a very stubborn stain
>As you enter the corridor his office is in, you're stopped by a nervous looking skeleton
>Well, as nervous as you can look without a face
>"H-hey, Mr Bone, I just wanted to let-"
>"Not now, Martin, I'm with a client."
>"I-it's just the photocopier's still broken, and we can't-"
>"I said not now!"
>With a yelp, the drudge scurries away, and Coffin Bone shakes his head
>"Disgraceful, eh? No respect."
>You nod
Some people just don't know how to behave.
>He nods, the irony lost on him
>Eventually you're welcomed into his office, and settle down on a very comfy chair opposite him, a large desk between you
>You're surprised to spot an old fashioned CRT monitor on his desk
>Considering how swish the office is, you can't believe how outdated it looks
>Coffin sits on his chair and looks at you for a moment before beginning
>"Well, let me start by being the first to offer my condolences on your death, and my congratulations on the beginning of a whole new chapter!"
>This sounds suspiciously well rehearsed
>"Here at the Ministry of Death, our aim is to turn the worst day of your life into the best day of your life! Or should that be, best day of your death!?"
>You stare at him, deadpan
>"You've probably got a lot of questions, and we'll get to those in a minute. But first, let me explain a couple of things. You're a special case!"
>You resist the urge to tell the skeletal figure that /he's/ a special case
>"You're an interdimensional traveller. That means we need to wait for your representative. In the meantime, there are a few things we can do to help speed the process along for when he does get here."
>He leans forward and taps away at his keyboard, the CRT monitor giving a gentle hum
Well, I don't think any of this is necessary. Once everything's cleared up, I have no intention of staying dead
>Coffin hums sympathetically
>"Sure you don't, champ. We have a way of incentivising the whole process, to help you cope with this lifestyle paradigm shift."
>God, you hate this management speak
Oh, to help me synergise my desires with the services you provide?
>He nods
>"You got it, champ."
>Why is he calling you champ?
>It's not like you won anything
>"See, in that accident that killed you and Subtle, you have to see opportunity. You can't let a little thing like death get you down. Look at me!"
>He gestures around his office
>"Pretty good gig I have here. In-"
Subtle Blade isn't dead.
>He pauses
>"Eh?"
She's not dead. I was killed instead of her
>He clicks his teeth together, and taps away on the computer
>Coming to the right screen, he shakes his head
>"No, she's definitely dead."
Well, I dunno what to tell you. She looked pretty spry for a dead person, considering she was performing CPR on me.
>"Well... sometimes bodies twitch, champ. You sure she wasn't in her death throes?"
She was shouting "Don't die on me, dammit"
>"Expulsion of gas from the lungs maybe? I mean, I'm no doctor, but she's definitely dead."
>He spins the monitor round
>The very first thing you notice is that it's running Windows 95
Wow, I guess /everything/ in this place is dead. Windows 95 was outdated when life first left the ocean.
>"It's a stable build!"
Is it really?
>He ignores your question, instead gesturing to the screen
>It's a database entry for Subtle Blade
>There's a whole load of information, and a picture of her on the left with 'DECEASED' superimposed
>"See? Plain as day. She's dead."
No, she's not dead. I promise you. Unless she died while I was on my way here.
>"Nope, look. 'Cause of death: Head trauma from falling plant pot'. She's definitely dead!"
>You shake your head
Whoever was on the retrieval team must have misreported it. The plant pot chunky salsa'd the back of my head, and here I am.
>"Maybe she got hit by shrapnel?"
No, Maj. Gen. Shrapnel doesn't exist in this reality.
>"I meant that perhaps shards of the plant pot performed an aggressive merger with Subtle's sub-dermic osseous tissue"
Oh, why didn't you say so? But no, she was walking and talking well after I was brown bread.
>"Brown bread?"
Dead.
>You take another look at the database, in particular the section about her death
>There's a 'reported by' field, with 'Leon Fautuer' in it
This Leon guy, is he reliable? He sounds French
>You say with slight distaste
>"Leon? He's a valued team member! Let me give him a ring."
>He dials a number on his phone and waits for a response
>"Hey Leon! How's it going?"
>He nods
>"Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, I was just calling about a report you filed about Subtle Blade..."
>"Mhmm. Yeah. And you're a hundred percent sure?"
>You can't get over how ridiculous this is. If you keep your mouth shut, will Subtle Blade now live forever?
>"Ok. Excellent. Ciao"
>He puts the phone down and leans back into his chair
>"Sorry amigo, but she's moved onto to pastures greener."
Look, Carl can back me up. The guy who collected my soul. He'll tell you that she was alive.
>Coffin sighs, and picks up the phone again
>This time it rings for a while before he gets a response
>"Hey Carl! How's it going?"
>He nods again
>"Uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, I was just calling about a job you did earlier in, uh, Canterlot"
>He nods
>"Yeah, the plant pot one. No, no, just a quick question. How many clients did you collect?"
>He nods again
>"Excellent, well take it easy, eh champ?"
>He hangs up
>"Nope. He confirmed what Leon said. He picked up one client."
>He looks at you, and you wished he had skin so you could tell whether he was just fucking with you
Yeah, he picked up one client. Me.
>Coffin stays silent for a moment
>"Carl picked /you/ up?"
Yes, I said that already. Carl was the reaper who picked me up.
>"Then who picked up Subtle Blade?"
No one did, because she isn't dead!
>He thinks for another few minutes
>It's a good thing he doesn't have a brain, because he's thinking so hard he'd give himself an aneurysm
>"So if she's not dead, what happened to her?"
>You look at him for a moment, giving him time to realise how stupid that question is
Well, if she's not dead, she must be...
>Suddenly it clicks
>"Oh, she's alive?!"
>This is why you didn't get an office job. As a janitor, people like this never talked to you, they thought they were better than you
>You nod
>"Well, I better call Leon again, just to be on the safe side. I mean, Carl could be wrong."
>Before he can pick up the phone again, you stretch out an arm, signalling for him to stop
Look, it's not important right now. Just tell me what you were saying before.
>"Ok, I think I was just checking what package you're eligible for."
>He turns the screen then begins typing again
>"You a religious man, Anon?"
>You shrug
I've never really thought about it. More important things to do.
>"Well, I bet you believe in an afterlife now, huh champ?"
>You don't know if you'd call office work a life, so you just shrug
>"If you're not religious, this may not phase you, but there is no one correct religion."
>It doesn't phase you
>"There's one head honcho up above, and he doesn't care what you believe, as long as you behave. Yep, every client gets a choice where they're headed, as long as they've been good."
>He sits back while your file loads
>"Let's see how you've been behaving, shall we?"
>Huh, you just hope this head honcho considers smoking, gambling, drinking, sleeping around, being a general dick to everyone and shirking your responsibilities in favour of napping and masturbating as valuable traits.
>Otherwise, you could be in some trouble here.
>Coffin whistles as the page loads
>"Wow! Looks like someone's lead an interesting life!"
>Well, that could be good OR bad.
>"You've been registered as eligible for the premium package!"
>What?
What?
>"Yep. Someone up there must like you. Or at least enjoy watching your life, there's pages and pages of stuff on file!"
>Wow. You feel flattered, but you also slightly uncomfortable
Well, I am pretty awesome.
>He nods
>"I'll say!"
>He rubs his hooves together
>"Whoo, I'm gonna get a fat commis-"
>He stops and clears his throat
>"I mean... you're in luck! You get your own choice of afterlife! Anything you want, anything at all!"
I want my body to be healed back to full health and to come back to life.
>He hesitates
>"Anything at all other than that one thing!"
I want my body to be healed back to almost full health and to come back to life.
>He chuckles
>"Sorry, champ. That's a no-go."
>He hands over a thick book, titled 'Your Life after Llife'
>It's full of different religions' beliefs on what happens after death
Is there anything in here about having your body healed to some survivable degree of health and then coming back to life?
>"No, but Buddhism does have reincarnation. You could come back as... as a famous musician!"
Could I come back as myself, at the same time and place of my death, at the same age and with the same memories?
>He sighs
>"Still with the coming back to life, huh? My hooves are tied. There's nothing I can do about that. Does eternal paradise really sound that bad?"
>You think carefully
It sounds fine, I'm just in no rush to get to it.
>"Well... take a look through the book. You never know!"
>You skim through the book, but nothing sticks out as getting you what you want
>It's not until the last page that you get a glimmer of hope
>The book states that if someone doesn't know what they want for their afterlife, they can wait for a person of their choice to die, so that they may get their council on the matter
Hey, Coffin, I'm having a real hard time deciding. I think I'd prefer to do this.
>You point to the page, and he takes the book off you, reading it
>"You sure? You could be waiting a long time."
Well, that depends on a couple of things. Where do I wait?
>"It's gotta be here, I'm afraid. In Limbo."
Oh, I thought this was Purgatory
>"Sorry, champ, but not quite. This is Limbo, where people come if there are complications in their onward journey. Purgatory is one of the places we send them."
Right. And is there anything else in Limbo, other than this building?
>Coffin hesitates slightly
>"Well, not really, no. I guess you'd have to wait in here. No one's ever taken this option before, not that I know of."
What, I'd just be waiting around the office?
>"Yeah. I mean, it's not a great option for you, certainly not as good as the paradise of the Tizi'Oukada religion, where every day you're awakened by a skilfully mouthed-"
>He's cut off by a knocking at the door
>Despite being interrupted, he sounds cheerful as he stands
>"This must be the specialist!"
>He heads to the door and opens it, revealing another skeletal pony
>Apart from the suits, you couldn't tell them apart
>Coffin has a slate-grey suit, and the newcomer has a pinstriped blue one
>The new pony sits next to you on another chair, while Coffin Bone returns to his place on the other side of the desk
>"Anon, this is Marco. He's our specialist for dealing with human souls."
>Marco grins at you, not that he can pull any other expression, and holds out a hoof
>"Lol daddy-o, be thine cool to jive?"
>You stare at him
What the hell are you saying?
>Marco just chuckles
>"Don't be surprised to hear a non-human talking like that. I've spent a long time studying human culture, I'm an expert in fact."
>Surprised is the wrong word. You just feel confused
An expert on human culture?
>He nods
>"Fo' sho', nigga."
>Wow. Not a particular part of it, just ALL human culture it seems
I'm sorry Marco, but hearing such human speech from a pony skeleton is incredibly jarring. So please don't.
>He nods
>"Well, if it makes you more comfortable, but I can't guarantee I won't make references to your pop culture"
>You hate this guy already, but he continues
>"I heard all about that terrible accident that killed you and your friend, and I want to be the first to offer-"
Me. It only killed me.
>Coffin hastily jumps in
>"/Maybe/ only killed you."
>"What are you talking about, Bone? If he's here, he must be dead. There's no maybe about it."
>"Sorry Marco, I meant that maybe Subtle Blade wasn't killed"
She wasn't.
>"Who the hell is Subtle Blade?"
She was the one who wasn't killed.
>Marco hesitates slightly
>"And who was the one who was killed?"
>"Subtle Blade, maybe" Coffin clarifies
>"So which is it? Was she killed, or was she maybe killed?"
>"Yes."
>"Well which one?"
>"Oh, uh, we're still looking into it, but we think she was maybe killed."
>You shake your head
She wasn't maybe killed at all.
>"So... she was killed?"
No, she's alive. Your requisition department got the wrong person. They got me by mistake.
>Marco taps a hoof on the desk
>"So Subtle Blade is your friend who maybe isn't dead. But who's your dead friend who died in the same accident?"
>"Subtle Blade." Coffin helpfully replies
>"Ok, start again. Subtle Blade, who isn't dead, is the other person who died in the accident?"
>Coffin nods
>"Maybe."
>Marco slouches slightly as he gives up trying to follow what's going on
>"Well, either way, I'm sorry to hear about your loss. Shall we move on to business?"
I do have a quick question, do you guys actually murder people when it's their time to die?
>They look at you in surprise and Marco speaks up
>"Murder?! No, no, no! We prefer the term 'termination of contract'. See, everyone has an appointed time and place to die. Sometimes, things don't quite pan out and they survive. If the initial pick-up fails, then we send the case over to the acquisition department who ensure a clean end to the lucky person. I mean, have you ever seen Final Fantasy? It's like that."
>Final Fantasy?
What, a whiny kid kills people with an oversized sword?
>Marco looks at you blankly
>"No, you know, it's the film about people surviving a fatal accident, and then they-"
Final Destination. Final Fantasy is something completely different
>"I'm pretty sure it's Fantasy. I am an expert on human culture, after all."
>Coffin nods
>"Sorry Anon, but it's true. No one knows more about human culture than Marco, here"
>"Anyway, your friend who died was livin-"
>"Maybe died!"
>"Your friend who maybe died was living on borrowed time. She had an appointment a couple of weeks back. Death by electrocution, not a bad way to go."
Except she didn't go. And she's still alive.
>"Maybe still alive!"
>You ignore Coffin's outburst
So if someone manages to survive, you hunt them down and kill them. What if you accidentally kill someone before their time was up? Like you did to me?
>This time, Coffin answers your question
>"Well, in that case it's just considered bringing their appointment forward, in most cases at least."
Most cases?
>"Well, sometimes we can send the person back. That's basically what you'd call a near death experience. Unfortunately, you failed to meet the criteria."
>You're amazed that something as cool sounding as 'The Ministry of Death' could be this tedious. You're getting bored sitting here, and you're talking to two skeletons
>It's a real testament to the power of bureaucracy
>"Anyway, before you arrived, Marco, I was just discussing Anon's afterlife package with him. He qualified for a premium one!"
>Marco lets loose a whistle
>"Wow, well done! Someone's been behaving!  What package did you decide on?"
Actually, I was thinking of deferring my decision until my good friend Greg dies so I can make an informed choice
>Marco opens his mouth, then closes it again
>"You... you don't mean /the/ Greg? The immortal one?"
>You nod
Yeah.
>"Well, I'm afraid he won't be dying any time soon. Why don't-"
I'm waiting for Greg.
>The skeletons look at each other
>Coffin opens a draw and pulls out a thick wad of papers
>"Well, I think I'd like to discuss this with my associate quickly. Would you mind stepping outside?"
>You shrug, and go to leave
>"Wait, before you do, would you mind signing this? If you're sticking around, we'll needed it signed for legal reasons"
>He hands the paper, actually a form, over to you
>"You're an interdimensional case, so we need you to sign off that you're happy to deal with our department."
>You shrug as he hands you a pen
Fine
>You scribble on the dotted line, and Coffin Bone buzzes an intercom
>"Martin! Get in here!"
>A few minutes later, the worker Coffin shouted at earlier walks in
>"Y-yes, sir?"
>"How many time do I have to tell you, you dolt! Don't call me sir! Call me Coffin! It's better for morale!"
>Martin shrinks under Coffin's stare as Coffin continues
>"Anyway. Run me a copy of this."
>He gives the your signed consent form over to the nervous worker
>"B-but sir! I mean Coffin! I-I was trying to-"
>"Do or do not, Martin. There is no try. Now go DO your work!"
>With a yelp, the poor stallion trots off, and Coffin shakes his head to Marco
>"They get lazier every year."
>Marco nods his agreement
Well, I'll step outside to give you gents some privacy.
>You do so, and spot a bench down the hall
>Strolling over, you take a seat
>There's a potted plant opposite you
>You eye it suspiciously as you wait
>It's not like you've developed a phobia of the things, but you still can't help holding a grudge
>The plant pot sits there
You think you're a big guy, huh?
>Narrowing your eyes, you stand and approach the pot
I bet you feel pretty tough.
>It doesn't respond as you pick it up
Well, let's see how tough you feel after this
>You grab the plant, a small palm of some type, and loosen it from the pot, taking it out
>Its roots do a good job of holding the soil together as you lift it out, setting it down safely on the floor next to the pot
>The plant's as much a victim to the pot's sinister machinations as you were
>Damn, this feels good
Still feeling like killing an innocent, hard working janitor?
>The pot mocks you with it's silence, so you heft it and look around
>There's a lift nearby, so you stroll over to it
I'm just gonna put you down...
>You gently place it in front of the lift, and grab at the doors
>With a little effort, they pull open, a shaft disappearing down into darkness
>The readout above the doors tells you the lift is somewhere above you
>Perfect
Well, plant pot, I'd like to say it's been a pleasure, but the truth is you're an inanimate object and that talking to you is completely pointless
>With that, you use your foot to nudge the pot through the open doors, and it tumbles sadly into the darkness
>A few moments after it disappears into the gloom there's the echoing sound of breaking pottery
>You laugh to yourself, slightly manically
Wow. Gets the aggressions out, doesn't it?
>You ask no one in particular as you let the doors close
>It feels good to take out some of your frustration on that pot.
>You sit back down, the plant now without a pot
>Just as you sit, the door to Coffin's office bursts open and he nods to you
>"Ok, Anon, we think we've-"
>He stops when he sees the plant, sans pot, in a pile of dirt
>"What the hell's that there for?"
>You shrug
I was just wondering that myself.
>"It was probably one of our janitors"
>He shakes his head as you come back into the office
>"Lazy, stupid. No motivation."
>Marco nods
>"I always feel uncomfortable around them. It's like they're not real people, you know?"
I'm a janitor.
>Marco instantly backtracks
>"Janitors are great people. There's just something about them that makes me feel at ease."
>Coffin nods this time
>"Hard-working, and you have to be very motivated to, uh... to clean up."
>You're actually impressed at how lacking they are in self-awareness
>The sooner you can be done here, the better.
You agreed to send me back?
>"Sorry, champ. Looks like you'll be waiting for Greg for quite some time."
>He buzzes his intercom again
>"Martin! Come in!"
>There's another short silence before the hen pecked stallion skeleton arrives
>"Y-you wanted to see me, Coffin?"
>"Coffin?! Don't you get familiar with me! To you, I'm 'Mr Bones'. Or 'Sir'."
>"Oh, s-sorry sir, but earlier you said..."
>The manager just waves a hoof in annoyance
>"Just put the form on my desk, Martin."
>Martin complies, and leaves the office
>Poor bastard. You couldn't imagine having to deal with someone like Coffin Bone on a daily basis
>Marco taps the forms
>"It's going to be a long wait. You sure you don't want to just go on to your afterlife?"
Not until I'm done with my life, thank you very much.
>You know you can outlast these guys. If you're staying here while you wait, they'll get fed up of the situation before you do
>"Well, enjoy your wait."
>Something about his tone seems slightly off
>"If you change your mind at any point, let us know and we'll have you in paradise in no time."
Well, I don't think I'll be changing my mind.
>Marco and Coffin share a look, and you feel even more uncomfortable
>Coffin leans forward in his chair
>"Oh, I think you'll be changing your mind when you find out you'll be waiting... IN HELL!"
>You blink
Hell? I thought I was waiting here.
>You feel a little stupid, actually. You should have just thought about contacting Feather straight away. She's Satan, of course she can bring you back to life
>And probably give you some sweet ram horns when she heals your body
>"That's right! You'll be suffering in hell, enduring unspeakable torment for as long as you refuse to go to paradise!"
>Maybe not horns, now you think about it. They would make getting dressed a pain.
>"It's all in this contract you signed! You waved your right to wait here, and instead chose to wait in HELL! We tricked you! Bamboozled you! You rube! You chump! Ahaha!"
>Maybe some glowy hell eyes or something
>"So, now you know the truth, will you accept your fate?!"
>Nah. Stuff like that all sounds cool, but glowy hell eyes, wings, ram horns or whatever would just make you look like an edgy OC
>Maybe she could do something about that rash on your leg though. It was starting to worry you
>You realise the two skeletons are looking at you expectantly
Sorry, you were saying something?
>The skeletons look at each other, slightly uncertainly
>"Well..."
>Coffin stands, and Marco follows suit
>"... we have to go make some calls to get a demon to pick you up. In the meantime, you just sit tight here."
>And with that, they leave
>Well, looks like once again your precarious situation has resolved itself
>There's still one problem though. Subtle Blade.
>It's only a matter of time before they realise she isn't dead and come after her again
>Probably. You wouldn't put it past these guys to just forget the whole thing
>Either way, now is the perfect opportunity to tie up that loose end
>Slipping round the other side of the computer, you give the mouse a nudge and it whirrs into life
>Straight to a login screen
>Shit
>You try a couple of passwords, but 'swordfish', '2spooky4me' and 'iamacunt' all fail to open the locked PC
>Dammit, think Anon. Subtle's life may well depend on this.
>You grab the phone, and look around for a number to call
>Dammit, you really feel like there should be a piece of paper with a password or phone number written on it. Anything.
>You slip open his top draw, but it's just full of stationery
>The second draw has a load of papers, but nothing jumps out at you
>Shit. Time to see who he has on speed dial
>Before you take the plunge, you get yourself in the right mindset
>You're going to ask if you're talking to the acquisition department then, when you inevitably aren't, act annoyed at them, as though it's their fault they aren't the right department
>With that plan in mind, you hit the speed dial
>It rings a few times before you get a response
>"Hello, acquisitions department, how can I help?"
>Oh, shit
Uh, good! Because that's who I wanted to phone!
>The voice doesn't respond
I have an update on a requisition. It needs to be scrapped.
>"Ok, can you please give me the name of the client?"
>The voice on the other end of the phone seems slightly bored as you go through the process of getting Subtle Blade's death order removed
>It's actually surprisingly simple, and barely a minute later you're shuffling round the other side of the desk, sitting back in your chair and innocently whistling
>You don't have to wait long before the two business skeletons return
>Something's off. They're not gloating as much as they were earlier
>They take their seats in silence
>Coffin gives you a long, hard stare
>You go slightly cross-eyed to try and put him off, but he's having none of it
>"You're blacklisted from hell."
>You blink
Oh yeah! Whoa, Feather must not have got round to overturning that.
>"No demon will come to pick you up, so it looks like you're stuck here."
>You shrug
There's no helping it. It's not like you could, I dunno, just send me back alive.
>He shakes his head
>"Definitely not happening, champ."
Well, I could always summon a demon to sort it all out. I know this great guy, he's-
>Marko interrupts you
>"You can't summon demons from Limbo."
>Shit.
Why not?
>"It's like Harry Potter rules. You know Harry Potter?"
>You frown at him
How the hell is it like Harry Potter?
>He hesitates
>"Well... because of the magic. And they can't do it outside of the, uh, the magic... places..."
>Wow. The supposed 'human culture' expert has such a perfect grasp of the many facets of pop culture, it's almost unreal.
>As he tries to save face, Coffin logs onto his PC and gives a surprised 'oh!'
>"It turns out Subtle Blade wasn't killed after all! That's just as well too, since it looks like her termination order was cancelled not 5 minutes ago!"
>Marco nods
>"Jeez, imagine if she'd been killed! It would have been a nightmare."
>You... you're not sure what to say to this, so you clear your throat noisily
>Coffin blithely continues
>"Yeah, good thing she made it."
>The three of you sit in silence for a short while, before Coffin remembers you're there
>"Well, champ, I guess you'll be sitting around the office for a while. I'll call Martin to take you down to the waiting room where you can wait for your friend."
>The two of them bid you farewell, and remind you that their offices are always open should you change your mind about the whole thing
>You're just glad to be away from them
>Something about the two of them really just rubs you the wrong way
>Martin takes you down to the waiting room
>The conjoined twins are gone, and there's no one about
>The long, comfortable chairs call to you
>You're surprised to see that a fair few hours have ticked by, and you're starting to feel quite tired
>With a yawn, you stretch out on a chair and close your eyes

~

>You sleep fitfully, your dreams invaded by shadowy figures digging away at your soul, laughing and spouting corporate jargon as you toss and turn
>"You alright?"
>You awake with a start, and are surprised to see a skeleton holding a cup of what smells like fresh coffee out to you
>Whether or not it makes you racist (aliveist?), all skeletons look the same to you, but this one sounds like your driver from the day before
Hey, Carl.
>He hands the coffee over and sits down
>You take it gratefully, inhaling the scent
>"Hey, Anon. No luck with the management, I see?"
>You shake your head
>"They're a fine bunch, eh?"
A finer bunch of men I have never met
>You take a sip of the coffee
>Sleeping in the chair wasn't particularly comfortable, and you're regretting not trying to find somewhere better to sleep
>This place has janitors, and that means you have allies.
>For one thing, any janitor worth his salt would have a mattress hidden around for any napping on the job, and if your siege becomes much more drawn out, you may have to hunt such a place out
How've you been?
>Carl shrugs
>"Not bad. Look, we've got a little room where we wait for callouts. It's not great, but it's more comfortable than here. You're more than welcome to join us down there, if you want"
>That sounds fantastic, and the two of you make small talk as you head downstairs
>The room he was talking about is much better than the upstairs waiting room
>Several couches, a small kitchen area, a pool table, a dartboard, it's pretty big, and very comfortable
>A few robed skeletons nod at you as you enter
>"Oh, I told the guys about your experience with union action, and we're all quite eager to learn a little"
>If you're going to be here for a while, it's not like you have anything better to do than help the workers fight against the oppressive bourgeoisie
Well, if you wanted, I could look into getting you membership for my union, Friends to All Professions.
>He nods, and a couple of the other skeletons voice their interest with a deluge of questions
>"How many members do you have?"
>Two.
About two hundred thousand
>"Could you organise a union for the undead workers of Limbo?"
>You doubt it
I most certainly could! The more I think about it, the better an idea it sounds!
>The undead workers all seem excited by the idea
>"Finally, we can have some say in what happens!"
>"Yeah, those corporate fat cats upstairs always get the best benefits. Well, I say it's time we had a pay rise!"
>Wow. You were just doing this for fun, but it looks like these guys actually /want/ a change
Yeah! I can get you a pay rise, no problem. Just make sure everyone joins FAP.
>Even if you can't help them, having all the workers of the Ministry of Death belong to your union would probably raise your profile
>For the next few hours, you hang around their break room, chatting with different reapers as they come and go
>After a while, skeletons other than the ponies start showing up, making a pilgrimage from different departments to hear about your plans
>There are griffons, changelings, minotaurs and it's not long before the tiny break room is as filled with skeleton as you are
>"Is it true you led a strike that earned everyone in your union a payrise of 200%?
>Carl left earlier, so you can lie your heart out without him twigging on
No. It was actually only 199.5%. My biggest regret is not pushing harder for that 0.5%
>The room is filled with awed gasps
>"How do you achieve such amazing results?"
It's all in the chanting. And the placards. But mainly the chanting
>There are shouts for a demonstration, so you clear your throat and stand up
We want more money!
>They chant after you
>"We want more money!"
We're not being funny!
>"We're not being funny!"
Bing bang boom bosh!
>"Bing bang boom bosh!"
We want more dosh!
>"We want more dosh!"
>You're pretty pleased with that last one
Cling clang clink cloom!
>"Cling clang clink cloom!"
Give us... a better staff room!
>As they repeat the line, you prepare a timeless classic
What do we want?!
>There's a confused chorus of answers, from 'more dosh', 'a payrise' and 'more money' making up the majority, but there's a fair portion replying 'a better staff room!'
When do we want it?
>"NOW!"
>No sooner has everyone shouted that last line than a wall mounted phone begins to ring
>Someone answers it
>"Hello? Yes. He's here. Ok, I'll tell him. Yeah, bye."
>The skeleton hangs up the phone
>"Anon? Coffin Bone just called. He wants to see you in his office."
Well, to be honest I don't particularly want to see /him/!
>There's a laugh from the skeletons
I probably should though. Take it easy, guys. And keep working on your chanting!
>You take the lift up to Coffin't office, and he seems very happy to see you
>"Oh, Anon! We've been looking everywhere for you! Come in, come in!"
>Marco is waiting in the office already
>"Hey, Anon. How's it going?"
>He holds a box of cigars to you while Coffin pulls a decanter and some tumblers from under his desk
>"Can I get you anything Anon? A little whiskey, perhaps? Cigar?"
>You take a cigar and Marco lights it for you while Coffin pours a drink
>"So, champ. We've been talking, and we think it's a huge shame what happened."
>"A terrible shame."
>"Yeah, a terrible shame, so we've put our heads together and managed-"
>"At great personal cost."
>"-managed at great personal cost-"
>"Pulled a few strings, called in some favours"
>"-to get your life reinstated!"
>The two were practically talking over each other, so you're not quite sure you follow
You're sending me back?
>"That's right! Someone like you, Anon, you deserve better than everyone else."
>You're not sure why they're being so pally all of a sudden
>Marco nods his agreement
>"It's like in that human book, The Atlas. You know, some people are just better than others."
>You have the sneaking suspicion he's talking about Atlas Shrugged
>Regardless, you're getting exactly what you want
Well, that's good news. Very good news. When do I leave?
>Standing, Coffin shakes your hand
>"Immediately! We have a driver waiting downstairs for you as we speak."
>He leads you to the door, Marco following closely behind
>As the pair take the lift down with you, they keep making their wholehearted apologies for the mess up, promising it won't happen again
>You suspect they're treating you nicely because you're riling up the workers with talk of unionisation
>You suspect this because Marco tells you it
>"Anon, we're treating you nicely because you're riling up the workers with talk of unionisation." He admits
>Wow. Looks like unions /are/ powerful tools for getting you what you want. First free lunches, and now being brought back to life.
>"So, we were hoping that once you get back to the land of the living, you'll drop the whole thing, eh?"
>Absolutely not. You want to make as much trouble as possible for this pair of twats
Oh, absolutely. It's not like I want to make any trouble for a pair of fine gentlemen like yourself.
>This seems to please them, and they sing your praises for the rest of the lift ride
>Taking you out into the lobby, they lead you to the front doors
>"Well, farewell Anon. We'll be seeing you eventually, but until then, stay safe!"
>Marco shakes your hand
>"And watch out for falling plant pots, eh?"
Oh, I will. Take care, you two.
>There's a cart waiting for you outside the doors
>"And remember, Anon, no union business!"
>You give a little chuckle
Oh, I have absolutely no intention of returning to organise a union of undead workers.
>Coffin nods
>"Perfect."
>With the pair waving farewell, you leave the building and get in the cart, which pulls away, the pony skeleton beside you sitting in silence for a while
>As you drive through the void, he speaks
>"Well, Anon. Looks like you managed to get it all sorted out in the end."
>Oh, it's Carl
Yeah, Carl. Looks like they're terrified of any kind of industrial action. They were more than happy to get rid of me.
>"So I guess you won't be helping us?"
>You grin at him
All it showed me is that when you guys join FAP, we'll have a lot of sway over them
>He nods, and you'd swear he gives a sigh of relief
They made me promise I'd not help you
>"But you're going to do it anyway?"
>You nod
>"That seems dishonest."
Well, I'm a man of my word... when it suits me.
>He chuckles
>"Why are you so interested in unions, anyway?"
>Good question. It's not sticking it to the man, it's not organising a group of people who deserve better things and giving them the power to achieve their aims and it's most certainly not for any political reason.
>Your real motivation is much simpler
It's good fun. Standing around, chanting, waving placards at people and calling everyone not in your protest a scab.
>"Huh. Well, I'll let you settle back into your life and I'll pop by in a week or so to discuss it."
>You know nothing about unions at all, so you'll need to make an official looking membership form
>Now you think about it, Feather is still in your union, and she's Satan now.
>FAP is a lot more powerful than you'd realised, and it's about to get a whole lot more members
>Perhaps you should push the castle to include free dinners as well as lunches?
>As you finally pass through another portal, bringing you once more to the land of the living, you're surprised to see you're not outside, but in a room in one of the basements
>There's an altar with your body lying on it, bright magical orbs casting a muted blue shine over the room
>Bunches of flowers carpet the floor
>It's actually pretty creepy
Hey, Carl? Was time not paused while I was away?
>He shakes his head
>"Time ran a thousand times faster"
Oh, shit.
>Damn, that must mean-
>"Nah, just messing with you. Time passes the same here as it does in Limbo"
So it's tomorrow now?
>He nods
>"Today is tomorrow right now, yeah"
Good. So how does this work?
>"Oh, just touch your body. Now you have authorisation, you'll be fully healed as soon as you go back in."
Sweet. Well, it's been a pleasure meeting you Carl. Give me a bell sometime in the future and I'll give you the forms you'll need to join FAP.
>With that, you touch your body.

~

>Celestia pushes into the room where the body of her beloved lies, followed shortly after by Luna and Twilight
>"You don't have to do this sister! We know you cared for him, but you have duties that cannot be shirked!"
>Twilight voices her agreement
>"He was our friend too, but surely there must be some other way."
>Celestia stares at the body, lying peacefully on the stone slab
>"I have no choice. I love him."
>The two other alicorns share a look as Celestia continues sadly, staring at the proof of Anon's mortality
>"The tales of old speak of heroes travelling to the underworld to recover their loved ones. I too will make this journey."
>She spins to fact her sister and student, her voice filling with determination, a fire burning in her eyes
>"I will overcome all challenges before me, I will defeat any who stand in my way."
>Twilight and Luna's eyes widen
>"Nothing will be able to keep me from my goal!"
>Luna clears her throat "Uh-hum. Celly."
>But Celestia is too wrapped up in monologuing to pay any heed
>"Through suffering and despair, I will know no rest until my-"
Well, I wouldn't mind if you rested a bit, don't want to burn yourself out.
>Celestia blinks, then spins around in shock
>Anon is sitting up, legs hanging off the altar
Sup, babe?

~

>You grin as Celestia's mouth works furiously and her face runs through shock, joy, anger and confusion
>Twilight seems the least surprised of the three
>"I wondered how long it'd take you to return. You don't seem the kind of person to let a little thing like dying hold you back"
>You nod
I had to go on a recruiting drive for more FAP'ers. Just a little union business.
>It occurs to you that Jesus took three days to come back to life, and you just smashed his record
>You bet he's pissed
>Celestia's face finally settles on overjoyed, and she practically bounds up to the altar
>She wants nothing more than to sweep you up and hold you close to her, but she hesitates at the last moment
>"Oh, uh, I'm so glad you're back, Anon!"
>You grin at her
Oh, come here.
>Pulling her close you give her a hug which she eagerly returns, holding you as tight as she can, scared of losing you again
>You can feel her shaking slightly, and there's an almost imperceptible wetness around her eyes
>"I-I thought you were gone, Anon..."
>You shush her and gently run your fingers through her mane
I'm not going anywhere, Tia.
>Before the untimely intervention of that plant pot, you'd been about to say something to her
Besides, I couldn't have left before next Friday. I have an opera date with a beautiful mare. One I'm quite taken with.
>She hugs you even closer, and you just stay like that for a while
>You're pleasantly surprised by how soft she is
>As for the whole union thing, you're going to put aside the first Wednesday of every month to travel to the MoD and do your union work
>Coincidentally, that's the day of the cart races there, which reminds you that you need to make a requisition for a couple of the things for yourself
>Eh, that's all in the future though. Right now you're locked in the warm embrace of someone who cares about you
>Someone you agreed to go to the opera with.
>Deep down, a part of you regrets your decision
>Damn, do you hate the opera.