hi /co/

“Zim, what are you doing?”
You had walked into Zim’s lab to him hunched over, breathing heavily. Judging from his lack of his wig he didn’t have his disguise on.
“E-Earth worm! I wasn’t¬¬- hah¬- expecting you to be- nnng!”
That last noise sent you on edge. While Zim was no longer trying to conquer the world (well, officially that is- he still tries but mostly to annoy Dib and so that the “great Zim” feels challenged) ever since The Tallest told him the truth of his “mission”- or rather, the lack of one. He was sent into to space to get rid of him, it was just a coincidence that he found your planet- Planet Earth.
Even though you were now technically friends, or something close to that, that didn’t mean he wasn’t dangerous. He still did he experiments regardless of how dangerous they were, so about once a month you, Dib, Zim, Gir and occasionally Gaz are put in a seriously dangerous predicament that could have been avoided if Zim had only used common sense.
“Zim! Are you ok? Did one of your experiments go wrong?!”
You rushed to his side, but he quickly turned to the left, facing away from you. You screwed up your face in confusion.
“I-I’m fine you filthy Earth worm! The Mighty Zim would never mess up an- ngah!”
He gasped some more, shuddering. Now that you thought about it, the sounds he was making sounded a lot like-

Oh. Oh wow. Oh my god.

You peered a little more, and you saw Zim’s penis. At least, you’re sure it is because- oh my gosh it’s moving?!- because it looked like a tentacle. And it moved like one too. Wait, that means- haha oh wow.
“So, you’re jerkin’ the gherkin. Choking the chicken. Basting the ham. Adjusting the antenna.”
You said this with a wiggle to both your eyebrows and you, hips, a lecherous smile on you face. Zim just growled.
“You’re more annoying than usual you filthy hyoo-man! And besides I told you to leave!”
You paid no attention to his demand and instead grabbed the edge of the chair and turned it around to face you. Zim screeched and roughly grabbed his shirt shoving down covering his bare thighs. You grinned even more.
“Hah! I knew it! Hey hey, don’t hide it I wanna see!”
Truth be told, you’ve always been interested in seeing Zim’s parts, since you turned 16 years old and  became “friends” with Zim. Aliens and their genitals have always fascinated you, after all, humans are kind of bland. Aliens are exotic, and Zim being an Irken- plus, your huge crush on him played a big part on it. Not that he will ever know, the little sociopath.
“Get you fffffffillthy earth hands away from the Great Zim! I command it! You’re not worthy of seeing me in this putrid state!”
You immediately withdrew your prying hands and instead gave him a confused look.
“Putrid state? Zim, this is a natural thing that people go through, it’s called arousal.”
“Ergh! You don’t understand! For us superior Irkens, this… thing has no real purpose, we don’t breed like you humans anymore. We have evolved technologically enough that we can merely extract the DNA and eggs from a male and female irken and breed our smeets via breeding pods.”
He gestured to his nether regions as he finished talking, a snarl repeating through his throat. You leaned down a little to be at his eye level.
“Zim, you do know sex can be more than just for procreation, right? It’s a way to connect with someone on a more deep, physical way. Also, it’s a fun way to spend your night.”
You sank down next to him, sitting on the floor.
“So Zim, tell me something, ever had sex before?”
You heard Zim choke on air, before laughing in a haughtily way, trying to save face.
“Of course not! Zim is above such useless things! It would only distract me from my mission. And from what I have heard, it’s a messy process. I would rather not dirty myself by such… disgusting activities.”
He shuddered in disgust, raising his hands off the bottom of his shirt to cover his mouth, gagging slightly. With his hands, something else had also raised up.
“Woooooah. It’s the same colour as your tongue- no, it’s slightly darker! Wait. Wait wait wait. It’s like a tentacle!”
You inched closer to his crotch, much to Zim displeasure and discomfort. He squirmed back climbing the chair, causing it to topple over with Zim falling on his back with another screech. You merely leaned back a little to avoid being hit. You crawled around and leaned over Zim by the side.
“Zim? You alive?”
He groaned in response giving a half-hearted wave with his three clawed hand. You grabbed it and helped pull him up.
“…Thank you, name-human.”
“So, lay it on me- what’s with the boner?”
He sighed irritably, looking to the side. If you looked closely you could see a slight dark green shade on his cheeks.
“Hormones. Usually, we Irken can control our urges. But sometimes the ‘urges’ are to strong to ignore, thus we males end up with-“
He looked down with a glare, my eyes following his to look at his problem.
“So, you’ve never had sex? How old are you?”
“Far older than you, human.”
“Give me a year.”
“Over one hundred and fifty.”
“You are old. Also you’ve hit grand wizard status, congrats.”
Zim scrunched his face in confusion.
“Zim is a what?”
“Never mind.”
You sighed, sitting cross legged and leaned somewhat, your head in your left hand.
“Where’s GIR?”
Zim scrunched up his face.
“Out at a club, he screamed something about dancing monkeys and bubble-gum.”
-
Sex time
-
Zim, for all his boisterous and confident bravado, had no idea what to do. Here you were, naked and waiting for his attention, and he was just looking at you like a lost dog looking for its bone. He looked from your core to your face, completely unsure what to do. You honestly felt sorry for him as you sighed.

“Hey, are you sure you’re up for this? We can stop if you’d like, maybe I can share some, uh, educational videos to-“

“No! Zim knows what he is doing!”
Zim snapped back, his eyes snapping up to meet your eyes. You smiled, shrugging.
“Alright, take your time. No rush.”
Zim made a noise and his eyes lowered to your neck. His right hand came up, tracing your cheek down your neck, his claws leaving a tingling sensation as they trailed down. His eyes narrowed in concentration as he traced his “pointer” claw downwards to your breasts.
“These… Irken women do not have these, these-“
“Breasts.”
“Ah, yes. Breasts…”
Zim lazily traced the underside of your right breast, his brow rising slightly as he watched goose bumps appear on your skin, continues to move upwards, cupping your small mound, his “thumb” ghosting your nipple, his eyes narrowed as your nipples puckered at both the touch and slight chill in the room, he looked back your face.
You nodded slightly, smiling and biting your lip. He furrowed his eyes and began to experiment gently, kneading, his claws digging in slightly as he played with them. You shuddered at the friction of his palm against your nipple, his eyes never leaving your breast.
“These feel so… Strange. Sort of like a tough pudding.”
You couldn’t help but chuckle, Zim really had no idea. He made a whiny growl, gripping your breast harder, causing you gasp sharply. He grinned.
“Zim, you are fucking lucky that what you just did made me wetter than a bitch in heat and tingle like a girl on prom night because god damn did it hurt, holy shit Zim.”
Zim chuckled darkly, his grip loosening. You crossed your arms under your chest, glaring.
“You’re a real sado-masochist aren’t ya?”
“Zim has no idea what you’re talking about, name-worm”
He said this in his false innocent voice that he had mastered over the years. You could only roll your eyes at him and his smirk. His antennae caught your eye, your lips falling into an “o” shape before smiling. You looked into his eyes.
“Can I touch you?”
His smirk fell as his eyes widened, no emotion on his face whatsoever. You hurriedly began to speak.
“I’ll be gentle, much gentler than you, I promise.”
Zim didn’t say anything for a minute before looking away.
“Fine! Savour this moment name-worm, you won’t get another chance!”
He scowled at your smile, you slowly sat up resting against the headboard, Zim following, kneeling in front of you.