Sam & Max gender swap

Mostly taken from:
https://desuarchive.org/co/thread/40760268/

>"Holy holiday home invader with a whisky-soaked beard descending into a still-smouldering fireplace, we've become members of the fairer sex!"
>"Does this mean we get paid less?"

>"Hey Sam, since we've gone through a strange and apparently magical transformation that science can't exactly explain, does that mean we're going to be experimented on with strange devices and probed in horribly compromising ways?"
>"Only in the South, I'm afraid."
>"Nuts."
>"Not anymore."

>"I guess we'll have to take on more cases to afford all of the apparently necessary female hygiene products, little bu-- er, gal pal."
>"We can save money by signing up for cosmetic testing!"
>"Well I am sick of those rats lording their pedicured claws and waxen pelts over me."
>"Normally I would make them fight to the death for my amusement, but now I just want to lie about them to their friends."

>"Look at us, Max! Do you know what this means?"
>"Yeah, time to corner the preteen girl market. My Little Pony can kiss my little a-"
>"No, knucklehead. It means we can eat for half-price on Fridays at Stinky's Ladies' Night All-You-Can-Eat Buffet."
>"I think you mean All-You-Can-Stomach. How did Stinky come up with that anyway?"
>"Court-ordered."
>"Ah, right. After the whole 'No Y chromosome, no talking' policy debacle."

>"This sucks, Sam. How am I supposed to strike pants-wetting fear into the criminal element looking like this?"
>"Putting aside the fact that you don't look all that different, you were never very intimidating, Max."
>"But I made up for it with unchecked levels of testosterone and an inherent competitive compulsiveness to measure myself in the suffering of others!"
>"You crack me up, little gal pal."

>"Sam, what's a pap-smear?"
>"Something a little too close to a first, fourth, and fifth amendment disenfranchisement for comfort, little gal pal."
>"I think you're forgetting something."
>"Oh, that's right! The 29th amendment."
>"And President Max doth decree - All doctors are to be executed in the most hilariously ironic fashion imaginable."

>"Sam, I want to be more open with my emotions and I feel like I can express myself freely without fear of emasculation."
>"So?"
>"That makes me ANGRY."

>"Sam, I feel naked."
>"You're always naked, Max."
>"I know, but now it feels... wrong. Being naked doesn't feel right anymore."
>"I blame the patriarchy."
>"The Irish hierarchy?"
>"Have you seen the way they treat their women?"
>"They're all sickly and green and smell of booze."
>"That's just a side effect of being Irish."

>"What should we do with our newfound life-giving bodies?"
>"I'm gonna ask guys out on dates, make them foot the bill and then dump them before the leftovers are cold."
>"I can't believe you are going to use your body to scam sexually frustrated simpletons."
>"I do it all the time, now I'm just working a different crowd."
>"... Save me some of those leftovers."

>"Sam, why do I feel a sudden urge to make snarky remarks and say horribly rude things to people I don't like?"
>"Huh?"
>"Oh, sorry, I meant 'Why do I feel a sudden urge to make unfunny, boring observations and act really petty in the most unamusing way possible'?"
>"We aren't getting paid to make our female fans angry at us via misogynistic humor, Max."
>"We ARE getting paid more than them either way though, so why not?"
>"Because we AREN'T getting paid more than them anymore. We're women too now."
>"Oh yeah...I totally forgot, how stereotypically valley girl of me. Lets go shopping later."
Sam just shakes his head.

>"Hey, Sam, do you think I can make it onto 'Girls Gone Wild'?"
>"I'm afraid your particular brand of debauchery would only result in money-back demands, compensation for mental anguish, and an insanity plea."
>"Thanks for believing in me, Sam."

>"Sam, I just realized something."
>"What is it, Max?"
>"I can do whatever I want and you can't do anything about it."
>Sam slaps Max. "I'm a girl too, numbskull."
ALT ENDING
>"That's true, I guess we'll have to rely on your innate sense of right and wrong from now on."
>"Sam, you don't understand, I live for slapstick."
>"Now now, Max, you have to be a responsible young woman now."
>"Hurt me, Sam! Hurt meeeee."
>"You have issues, which ironically have nothing to do with the implications of what you just said."

>"Sam! You've got to see this! It's nine and a half inches of pure heaven!"
>"Oh, Jeeze, Max, I really don't want to- Oh. High heels."
>"Finally, a fashionable way to both induce puncture wounds, and get onto the roller coaster at Love Land!"
>"Oh no. We're not going through that fiasco again.."
>"I can't believe you don't see eye to eye with me on this!"
>"You're gonna need a whole lot more than nine inch shoes to get eye to eye with me, little gal pal."

>"At least now you have an excuse for your height and swishy personality."
>"Oh yeah? Well, calling you a bitch would just be correct terminology and you've gone down a cup size."

>"I think Stinky hates us more than ever, Max."
>"He's just jealous because his milkshake doesn't bring all the boys to the yard."
>"What does that even mean?"
>"I'm not sure. Milkshakes always just made me gassy."

>"Max, now that you're a woman, I fear for your self image."
>"Why's that? You think I'm ugly or something?! GOD MADE ME LIKE THIS!"
>"No, its just that you don't like girls."
>"Well, now I just don't like other girls. Like, you know, other girls."

>"Well little gal pal, on the bright side, we can just attribute your bad attitude and awful manners to PMS."
>"The hell I will. I don't need an excuse to practice my 53rd 1/2 amendment right to exert my lording personality on people."
>"Yeah, but I do when the Russian ambassador is down a few fingers."
>"No, it was the whole arm."

>"Say, Max, did you know that the women's rights movem...what's so funny?"
>"Women's rights."
>"Max, that's politically incorrect. And not nearly zany and misanthropic enough to be funny."
>"Not while I'm president."

>"Well, Sam, I've finally been impeached."
>"So what was the last straw? Your decree that vagrants are legal tender? Suggestively telling the Iranian President that you'd show him your weapon of mass destruction if he showed you his? Your "A Gun for Every Grade-Schooler" initiative?"
>"No. They found out I'm a woman."

>"Hey Sam, what happened to your old gun?"
>"Oh, I got an even bigger one to replace it!"
>"Now that you're a woman, I can't say that you're compensating for something!"
>"Its a win-win! Lets sell the De Soto and buy a Hummer."
>"I love not compensating!"

>"Sam! I've never realized how filthy our office is! How have we lived like this?"
>"Not well."
>"I... must... clean it."
>"I find your insinuation that all women are compulsive tidiers sexist."
>"No, Sam. Women don't live to clean--they clean to live!"
>"Well that sounds perfectly reasonable."

>"Hello, chief? Yes? Mhm? Uh huh? I see!"
>"What did he say?"
>"He thought I was the secretary."

>"Hello? Yes. Uh-huh? Uh-huh? Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? Yeah?! Yeah! Oh! Yes! Goodbye."
>"Was it the commissioner?"
>"Yeah."
>"New case?"
>"No, he thought he was calling a sex line and I didn't have the heart to tell him he had the wrong number."

>"Sam, where do babies come from?"
>"Us."
>"Ohhh. Now that crazy, infectious 1980s pop song makes SENSE!"
>"What do you mean?"
>"We are the world. We are the children."

>"So Max, how is the movie treating you?"
>"Leave me alone Saaaam *blows nose* Johnny and Ricardo broke up and I...I...I need more ice cream!"
>"You always have had a soft spot for the stuff on the women's television network, but I never emphasized until now."
>"RICARDOOOOO."

>"Sam, I'm strangely attracted to Flint now."
>"You've always been strangely attracted to Flint."
>"Oh, right. Well, now I'm just attracted to Flint."

>"Sam, I think I'm becoming more and more like a ditzy teenage girl."
>"What makes you think that?"
>"I can't stop thinking about boys!"
>"Do you want to practice some by the society as manly deemed activities to get your mind off them?"
>"Actually, never mind. Now I'm thinking of mauling them with the bluntest possible object I can currently come up with."
>"Context is everything, little gal pal."

>"It's a tampon's tampon!"
>"That's a crowbar, Max."

>"Gosh, it sure is hard to run in high heels."
>"You've always had trouble running, Sam. The heels just give you a valid excuse."

>"Hey lil' gal pal, I was just thinking... do you remember how all of this even happened?"
>"What's "all of this", Sam?"
>"You don't remember we turned to dames?"
>"Oh that thing. I didn't really notice since there hasn't been any major changes. Sure, I may be a bit more psychotic and violent, but that's not so bad, is it?"