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- >This isn’t what you expected.
- >Special price! Own your own dragon assistant! Only $200!
- >You saw the picture of Spike and got excited. Your own dragon bro, Spike? Yes please!
- >That’s the last time you trust any product from Bethesda studios.
- >”蛋卷?”
- >A plate with a steaming egg roll is shoved into your face from below.
- “No dim-sum! I’m not hungry!”
- >The little dragon stands there for a moment looking down at the greasy snack.
- >”你想要一个口交”
- >You groan.
- “I don’t want fried rice either! Stupid no refund policy...”
- >She tugs your pant leg.
- >”我做肛门!我爱你很久的水手男孩”
- “I’ll have a fortune cookie later.”
- >Until then, time to go post about this on reddit
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- >You and other people who bought these shoddy bootleg dragon assistants raised all kinds of hell about how Bethesda lies to you about their products.
- >You’re looking at YouTube videos of the coverage, when your arm is tapped.
- >It’s Dim-Sum.
- “What is it Dim-Sum? I’m busy.”
- >She plays with her claws, shuffling in place.
- “我只想说一声谢谢。因为我不是真正的文章,其他人把我打发或称我为假,但你带我进去,并照顾我。“
- >You stare at her in silence, as she goes on.
- “我爱你!现在说它可能还为时过早,但我真的活在你身边!我希望我们能够永远在一起,直到时间结束”
- >She blushes, covering her face.
- “....”
- >You sigh.
- “I thought I said I don’t want chow mein right now! Is all you know Chinese Food?”
- >Dim lowers her eyes, annoyed, before walking away into another room.
- >Goddamn Bethesda
- ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
- "HO YEAH! THAT'S THE GOOD SHIT!"
- >Today is a great day.
- >Thanks to all the customers uniting together, and complaining(and the class-action lawsuit threat) Bethesda saw the error of their ways, and begin sending out the proper Dragon assistants they promised to those who bought the $200 special edition Spike the Dragon™ personal helpers.
- >Can you believe they offered to give you Five bits as compensation at first?
- >You can't even buy "Princess Thun" with that!
- >All you have to do is enter in all your information on the websites ticket support page, and presto! You're getting a Spike!
- >Dim-Sum watches from nearby in an that says: "我喜欢Anon". The only part you recognizer is the last bit of it.
- >It probably says, "die" or Kung-fu" knowing her.
- >You gleefully enter in your information, as she messes with the apron, concern spread on her blue face.
- >You turn to her in your office chair.
- "Good news Dim! You're going home!"
- >"这是我的家。"
- "That's right! Bethesda is gonna take you back so, you won't be miserable here anymore!"
- >She gasps.
- >"如果你送我回来他们会杀了我。他们不需要缺陷!"
- "I know! You'll get to see all your friends!"
- >You continue to fill it out.
- >"我不是对你有意义吗?你是我的灵魂伴侣!请!不要把我送走!"
- "Almost done."
- >She runs to you, grabbing your shirt, and shaking you.
- >"如果你完成了,你就签署了我的死亡令!我不想离开你!我不想死!我爱你!请!你不想要我吗?"
- >Someone is excited to leave... or she's asking if you like egg foo yung.
- "Stop Dim-Sum! I like Shrimp lo mein more, okay? geez..."
- >Tears start to fill Dim's eyes.
- >The little dragoness releases your shirt, slowly backing off with low hanging fins.
- >She leaves the room with little sobs.
- "Wow. Guess she's a wanton soup type of girl.
- ~~~~~~~~~~~
- >NOK NOK
- "It's here!"
- >You open the door, to a smiling mailman, holding an egg.
- >"Are you Anon?"
- "I am! Is that my Spike™ Personal helper?"
- >"Yup. Fresh out of Bethesda's shipping!"
- "Excellent!"
- >The take the egg, rubbing it against your face affectionately, as if you squeezed it out of your own birthhole.
- >Dim-Sum stands in the doorway of the kitchen with scared eyes.
- "Ah! Dim-Sum! Come here. It's time to go with the nice man."
- >Dim takes a step back, slowly shaking her head.
- "Dim. Get over here!"
- >"不...不!"
- >She waddles off into the kitchen, where you can hear pots, and pans rattling around.
- >You, and the mail man watch on.
- "I'm sorry about this. Just give me a moment..."
- >You sit the egg down, and head into the kitchen after Dim, who's hiding in your lower cupboards.
- "Floor! Come out here!"
- >"不!"
- "I don't know why you're talking about Chinese food right now, but I need you to come out here!"
- >She stays quiet this time. Guess you have to go in, and get her.
- >You open the cabinet door, reaching in for her soft scaly hide.
- >Something dull, and pointy runs over your hand.
- "You know you can't bite me Dim. Your fangs aren't shape like the actual thing."
- >You grab her stubby leg, and yank her out.
- >"请!不要这样做!请让我留下来!"
- "Mhm. Pu-pu platter to you too."
- >Tossing the struggling dragon over your shoulder, you head back to the waiting Mail man.
- >"你是我的唯一!请不要把我送走!我不想没有你!我不能没有你!"
- "Yep. There'll be tons of rice to eat!"
- >She starts to beat on your back with her little fists.
- "Here you go sir. Go ahead and take her back."
- >The Mail man holds his hands outward.
- >Dim gasps, trying to keep out of his grasp.
- >"N-Noooooooo! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
- >You stop in shock.
- "Dim, did you just speak english?"
- >"No no no no!"
- >You tilt your head.
- "Are you saying you want to stay here?"
- >"Noooo!"
- "Okay then!"
- >You hand her over to the postal worker, as he leaves with a screaming Dim-sum.
- >NOK NOK
- "It's here!"
- >You open the door, to a smiling mailman, holding an egg.
- >"Are you Anon?"
- "I am! Is that my Spike™ Personal helper?"
- >"Yup. Fresh out of Bethesda's shipping!"
- "Excellent!"
- >The take the egg, rubbing it against your face affectionately, as if you squeezed it out of your own birthhole.
- >Dim-Sum stands in the doorway of the kitchen with scared eyes.
- "Ah! Dim-Sum! Come here. It's time to go with the nice man."
- >Dim takes a step back, slowly shaking her head.
- "Dim. Get over here!"
- >"不...不!"
- >She waddles off into the kitchen, where you can hear pots, and pans rattling around.
- >You, and the mail man watch on.
- "I'm sorry about this. Just give me a moment..."
- >You sit the egg down, and head into the kitchen after Dim, who's hiding in your lower cupboards.
- "Floor! Come out here!"
- >"不!"
- "I don't know why you're talking about Chinese food right now, but I need you to come out here!"
- >She stays quiet this time. Guess you have to go in, and get her.
- >You open the cabinet door, reaching in for her soft scaly hide.
- >Something dull, and pointy runs over your hand.
- "You know you can't bite me Dim. Your fangs aren't shape like the actual thing."
- >You grab her stubby leg, and yank her out.
- >"请!不要这样做!请让我留下来!"
- "Mhm. Pu-pu platter to you too."
- >Tossing the struggling dragon over your shoulder, you head back to the waiting Mail man.
- >"你是我的唯一!请不要把我送走!我不想没有你!我不能没有你!"
- "Yep. There'll be tons of rice to eat!"
- >She starts to beat on your back with her little fists.
- "Here you go sir. Go ahead and take her back."
- >The Mail man holds his hands outward.
- >Dim gasps, trying to keep out of his grasp.
- >"N-Noooooooo! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
- >You stop in shock.
- "Dim, did you just speak english?"
- >"No no no no!"
- >You tilt your head.
- "Are you saying you want to stay here?"
- >"Noooo!"
- "Okay then!"
- >You hand her over to the postal worker, as he leaves with a screaming Dim-sum.
- ~~~~~~~~~~~
- [Author unconfirmed]
- >”主!我给你带来了一些吃的东西!”
- >You lay back on the sofa, as Dim-Sum places a tray of dumplings in front of you.
- >It was a harrowing tale getting her back...
- >Explosions, graphic sexual content and violence, and the sacrifice of a whiny dragon.
- >You won’t go into the boring details.
- >Dim starts playing with her apron strings.
- >”谢谢你救我师父。在你现在所做的一切事情中,我能感受到你对我的爱.”
- “You silly little bootleg dragon.”
- >You pat the chinosium dragon on the head.
- >”主!我正在排卵”
- “I think egg rolls are great too.
- >That’s your dragon-
- >NOK NOK
- >You both look at the door, then each other.
- >Dim shrugs.
- >Better see who it is.
- >You get up and answer the door, only finding a box.
- “Wait a second...”
- >It can’t be.
- “I thought he shut the site down! This is my Souljapony™ Brand Celestia!”
- >Dim watches closely from behind.
- >You start opening the bo-
- >”THUN!”
- >Something pops out head butting you in the face.
- >”哦没有高手!你需要心肺复苏吗?我会用我的阴道!”
- ~~~~~~~~~~~
- "Scrubs! Fuck them, and these COCK-SUCKING mechanics!"
- >You slam the controller after getting those hands in Dead or Alive 6 by some Scrublord named "ShutterFly0x".
- >"主!想要一些点心吗?"
- >Dim-Sum walks up next to you in a little Bikini, and poses.
- "I don't want a massage right now Dim-Sum! I'm fucking pissed!"
- >You sit back in your gaming chair, attempting to settle your nerves, only to catch Thun staring at the sun outside the window.
- "H-hey Thun. Don't do that. You'll go blind!"
- >"Pretty Thuuuuuun~"
- >She looks at you with greyed pupils. Uh-oh.
- >"愚蠢的马!她看起来很笨,她的肛门充满了屎!"
- "Yeah, I wish I had some sushi too."
- >Between these two, and the game, you're gonna have a coronary.
- *NOK NOK*
- "That's right! That should be my Black Friday special Waifu!"
- >You excitedly get up, happy to finally get a break from Dim-Sum, and goddamn Thun, who for the record, ate all the asbestos in your attic. don't know why. She just did.
- >Like "sharp cotton candy" she said.
- >You open the door, with Dim-Sum clinging to your pant leg, and Thun relieving herself on your Wii U pad, only to be greeted by...a woman...?
- >Her blank expression puzzles you.
- >She looks like the "Purple Tsundere" you ordered, but her eyes were...uhhhm.
- >She raises a hand.
- >"Greetings. This is the best."
- "What?"
- >Her voice sounds like a distorted Maud Pie talking through a blown out speaker.
- >"主!这是一个阻碍!杀死它!"
- "I don't think she's hungry Dim."
- >Dim-Sum facepalms.
- >"Are you Anohan?"
- >Okay, what the actual fuck.
- >"I'm Aroa. The purple Sundance."
- "Don't you mean Tsundere?"
- >She stares at you blankly, like she's processing your words.
- >"I am here to pleasure you Anohan, and give you the full girlfriend experience. Now let us collide genitals."
- >You should seriously get your money back.
- >On that note,Thun runs into your TV head first cracking the screen.
- >"母亲,让我通过嗅你的球来缓解你的愤怒!"
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