Zebrafag

/bootleg/ Dim Sum

Dec 17th, 2018
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  1. >This isn’t what you expected.
  2. >Special price! Own your own dragon assistant! Only $200!
  3. >You saw the picture of Spike and got excited. Your own dragon bro, Spike? Yes please!
  4. >That’s the last time you trust any product from Bethesda studios.
  5. >”蛋卷?”
  6. >A plate with a steaming egg roll is shoved into your face from below.
  7. “No dim-sum! I’m not hungry!”
  8. >The little dragon stands there for a moment looking down at the greasy snack.
  9. >”你想要一个口交”
  10. >You groan.
  11. “I don’t want fried rice either! Stupid no refund policy...”
  12. >She tugs your pant leg.
  13. >”我做肛门!我爱你很久的水手男孩”
  14. “I’ll have a fortune cookie later.”
  15. >Until then, time to go post about this on reddit
  16.  
  17. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  18.  
  19. >You and other people who bought these shoddy bootleg dragon assistants raised all kinds of hell about how Bethesda lies to you about their products.
  20. >You’re looking at YouTube videos of the coverage, when your arm is tapped.
  21. >It’s Dim-Sum.
  22. “What is it Dim-Sum? I’m busy.”
  23. >She plays with her claws, shuffling in place.
  24. “我只想说一声谢谢。因为我不是真正的文章,其他人把我打发或称我为假,但你带我进去,并照顾我。“
  25. >You stare at her in silence, as she goes on.
  26. “我爱你!现在说它可能还为时过早,但我真的活在你身边!我希望我们能够永远在一起,直到时间结束”
  27. >She blushes, covering her face.
  28. “....”
  29. >You sigh.
  30. “I thought I said I don’t want chow mein right now! Is all you know Chinese Food?”
  31. >Dim lowers her eyes, annoyed, before walking away into another room.
  32. >Goddamn Bethesda
  33.  
  34. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  35.  
  36. "HO YEAH! THAT'S THE GOOD SHIT!"
  37. >Today is a great day.
  38. >Thanks to all the customers uniting together, and complaining(and the class-action lawsuit threat) Bethesda saw the error of their ways, and begin sending out the proper Dragon assistants they promised to those who bought the $200 special edition Spike the Dragon™ personal helpers.
  39. >Can you believe they offered to give you Five bits as compensation at first?
  40. >You can't even buy "Princess Thun" with that!
  41. >All you have to do is enter in all your information on the websites ticket support page, and presto! You're getting a Spike!
  42. >Dim-Sum watches from nearby in an that says: "我喜欢Anon". The only part you recognizer is the last bit of it.
  43. >It probably says, "die" or Kung-fu" knowing her.
  44. >You gleefully enter in your information, as she messes with the apron, concern spread on her blue face.
  45. >You turn to her in your office chair.
  46. "Good news Dim! You're going home!"
  47. >"这是我的家。"
  48. "That's right! Bethesda is gonna take you back so, you won't be miserable here anymore!"
  49. >She gasps.
  50. >"如果你送我回来他们会杀了我。他们不需要缺陷!"
  51. "I know! You'll get to see all your friends!"
  52. >You continue to fill it out.
  53. >"我不是对你有意义吗?你是我的灵魂伴侣!请!不要把我送走!"
  54. "Almost done."
  55. >She runs to you, grabbing your shirt, and shaking you.
  56. >"如果你完成了,你就签署了我的死亡令!我不想离开你!我不想死!我爱你!请!你不想要我吗?"
  57. >Someone is excited to leave... or she's asking if you like egg foo yung.
  58. "Stop Dim-Sum! I like Shrimp lo mein more, okay? geez..."
  59. >Tears start to fill Dim's eyes.
  60. >The little dragoness releases your shirt, slowly backing off with low hanging fins.
  61. >She leaves the room with little sobs.
  62. "Wow. Guess she's a wanton soup type of girl.
  63.  
  64. ~~~~~~~~~~~
  65.  
  66. >NOK NOK
  67. "It's here!"
  68. >You open the door, to a smiling mailman, holding an egg.
  69. >"Are you Anon?"
  70. "I am! Is that my Spike™ Personal helper?"
  71. >"Yup. Fresh out of Bethesda's shipping!"
  72. "Excellent!"
  73. >The take the egg, rubbing it against your face affectionately, as if you squeezed it out of your own birthhole.
  74. >Dim-Sum stands in the doorway of the kitchen with scared eyes.
  75. "Ah! Dim-Sum! Come here. It's time to go with the nice man."
  76. >Dim takes a step back, slowly shaking her head.
  77. "Dim. Get over here!"
  78. >"不...不!"
  79. >She waddles off into the kitchen, where you can hear pots, and pans rattling around.
  80. >You, and the mail man watch on.
  81. "I'm sorry about this. Just give me a moment..."
  82. >You sit the egg down, and head into the kitchen after Dim, who's hiding in your lower cupboards.
  83. "Floor! Come out here!"
  84. >"不!"
  85. "I don't know why you're talking about Chinese food right now, but I need you to come out here!"
  86. >She stays quiet this time. Guess you have to go in, and get her.
  87. >You open the cabinet door, reaching in for her soft scaly hide.
  88. >Something dull, and pointy runs over your hand.
  89. "You know you can't bite me Dim. Your fangs aren't shape like the actual thing."
  90. >You grab her stubby leg, and yank her out.
  91. >"请!不要这样做!请让我留下来!"
  92. "Mhm. Pu-pu platter to you too."
  93. >Tossing the struggling dragon over your shoulder, you head back to the waiting Mail man.
  94. >"你是我的唯一!请不要把我送走!我不想没有你!我不能没有你!"
  95. "Yep. There'll be tons of rice to eat!"
  96. >She starts to beat on your back with her little fists.
  97. "Here you go sir. Go ahead and take her back."
  98. >The Mail man holds his hands outward.
  99. >Dim gasps, trying to keep out of his grasp.
  100. >"N-Noooooooo! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
  101. >You stop in shock.
  102. "Dim, did you just speak english?"
  103. >"No no no no!"
  104. >You tilt your head.
  105. "Are you saying you want to stay here?"
  106. >"Noooo!"
  107. "Okay then!"
  108. >You hand her over to the postal worker, as he leaves with a screaming Dim-sum.
  109.  
  110. >NOK NOK
  111. "It's here!"
  112. >You open the door, to a smiling mailman, holding an egg.
  113. >"Are you Anon?"
  114. "I am! Is that my Spike™ Personal helper?"
  115. >"Yup. Fresh out of Bethesda's shipping!"
  116. "Excellent!"
  117. >The take the egg, rubbing it against your face affectionately, as if you squeezed it out of your own birthhole.
  118. >Dim-Sum stands in the doorway of the kitchen with scared eyes.
  119. "Ah! Dim-Sum! Come here. It's time to go with the nice man."
  120. >Dim takes a step back, slowly shaking her head.
  121. "Dim. Get over here!"
  122. >"不...不!"
  123. >She waddles off into the kitchen, where you can hear pots, and pans rattling around.
  124. >You, and the mail man watch on.
  125. "I'm sorry about this. Just give me a moment..."
  126. >You sit the egg down, and head into the kitchen after Dim, who's hiding in your lower cupboards.
  127. "Floor! Come out here!"
  128. >"不!"
  129. "I don't know why you're talking about Chinese food right now, but I need you to come out here!"
  130. >She stays quiet this time. Guess you have to go in, and get her.
  131. >You open the cabinet door, reaching in for her soft scaly hide.
  132. >Something dull, and pointy runs over your hand.
  133. "You know you can't bite me Dim. Your fangs aren't shape like the actual thing."
  134. >You grab her stubby leg, and yank her out.
  135. >"请!不要这样做!请让我留下来!"
  136. "Mhm. Pu-pu platter to you too."
  137. >Tossing the struggling dragon over your shoulder, you head back to the waiting Mail man.
  138. >"你是我的唯一!请不要把我送走!我不想没有你!我不能没有你!"
  139. "Yep. There'll be tons of rice to eat!"
  140. >She starts to beat on your back with her little fists.
  141. "Here you go sir. Go ahead and take her back."
  142. >The Mail man holds his hands outward.
  143. >Dim gasps, trying to keep out of his grasp.
  144. >"N-Noooooooo! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"
  145. >You stop in shock.
  146. "Dim, did you just speak english?"
  147. >"No no no no!"
  148. >You tilt your head.
  149. "Are you saying you want to stay here?"
  150. >"Noooo!"
  151. "Okay then!"
  152. >You hand her over to the postal worker, as he leaves with a screaming Dim-sum.
  153.  
  154. ~~~~~~~~~~~
  155.  
  156. [Author unconfirmed]
  157.  
  158. >”主!我给你带来了一些吃的东西!”
  159. >You lay back on the sofa, as Dim-Sum places a tray of dumplings in front of you.
  160. >It was a harrowing tale getting her back...
  161. >Explosions, graphic sexual content and violence, and the sacrifice of a whiny dragon.
  162. >You won’t go into the boring details.
  163. >Dim starts playing with her apron strings.
  164. >”谢谢你救我师父。在你现在所做的一切事情中,我能感受到你对我的爱.”
  165. “You silly little bootleg dragon.”
  166. >You pat the chinosium dragon on the head.
  167. >”主!我正在排卵”
  168. “I think egg rolls are great too.
  169. >That’s your dragon-
  170. >NOK NOK
  171. >You both look at the door, then each other.
  172. >Dim shrugs.
  173. >Better see who it is.
  174. >You get up and answer the door, only finding a box.
  175. “Wait a second...”
  176. >It can’t be.
  177. “I thought he shut the site down! This is my Souljapony™ Brand Celestia!”
  178. >Dim watches closely from behind.
  179. >You start opening the bo-
  180. >”THUN!”
  181. >Something pops out head butting you in the face.
  182. >”哦没有高手!你需要心肺复苏吗?我会用我的阴道!”
  183.  
  184. ~~~~~~~~~~~
  185.  
  186. "Scrubs! Fuck them, and these COCK-SUCKING mechanics!"
  187. >You slam the controller after getting those hands in Dead or Alive 6 by some Scrublord named "ShutterFly0x".
  188. >"主!想要一些点心吗?"
  189. >Dim-Sum walks up next to you in a little Bikini, and poses.
  190. "I don't want a massage right now Dim-Sum! I'm fucking pissed!"
  191. >You sit back in your gaming chair, attempting to settle your nerves, only to catch Thun staring at the sun outside the window.
  192. "H-hey Thun. Don't do that. You'll go blind!"
  193. >"Pretty Thuuuuuun~"
  194. >She looks at you with greyed pupils. Uh-oh.
  195. >"愚蠢的马!她看起来很笨,她的肛门充满了屎!"
  196. "Yeah, I wish I had some sushi too."
  197. >Between these two, and the game, you're gonna have a coronary.
  198. *NOK NOK*
  199. "That's right! That should be my Black Friday special Waifu!"
  200. >You excitedly get up, happy to finally get a break from Dim-Sum, and goddamn Thun, who for the record, ate all the asbestos in your attic. don't know why. She just did.
  201. >Like "sharp cotton candy" she said.
  202. >You open the door, with Dim-Sum clinging to your pant leg, and Thun relieving herself on your Wii U pad, only to be greeted by...a woman...?
  203. >Her blank expression puzzles you.
  204. >She looks like the "Purple Tsundere" you ordered, but her eyes were...uhhhm.
  205. >She raises a hand.
  206. >"Greetings. This is the best."
  207. "What?"
  208. >Her voice sounds like a distorted Maud Pie talking through a blown out speaker.
  209. >"主!这是一个阻碍!杀死它!"
  210. "I don't think she's hungry Dim."
  211. >Dim-Sum facepalms.
  212. >"Are you Anohan?"
  213. >Okay, what the actual fuck.
  214. >"I'm Aroa. The purple Sundance."
  215. "Don't you mean Tsundere?"
  216. >She stares at you blankly, like she's processing your words.
  217. >"I am here to pleasure you Anohan, and give you the full girlfriend experience. Now let us collide genitals."
  218. >You should seriously get your money back.
  219. >On that note,Thun runs into your TV head first cracking the screen.
  220. >"母亲,让我通过嗅你的球来缓解你的愤怒!"
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