Numbers Aren't Everything

First of all, I'm sorry.  If you feel I've been different in ways you are uncomfortable with, it's because I have.

Something has been wrong with my streams this year.  Because something has been off with me.  I asked a few times a while ago what was going wrong, and nobody knew (and I bet some wouldn't tell me, figuring I had to know, when I didn't).  So I didn't learn what was going on for a long time.  I lost viewers without knowing why.  I held specials and marathons, ran games, and got fewer viewers than I got when I regularly ran Mario 3 - numbers I knew I had in the past.  I was lost and confused; I had no idea what was missing amidst knowing what I wanted from the actual broadcasts I did.

Early this morning, a few people came forward and informed me what they believed was going wrong.  All of them agree.

I lack the enthusiasm I used to have, and have started taking things too seriously.  Although monitoring one's numbers can be healthy in order to know where one stands, I have to tack on that I feel that I concentrate too hard on my numbers - I try SO hard to get more viewers that it has detectably tainted my demeanor, and leached into my streams.  I focus SO much on "my follower count should be increasing steadily and people should be watching me" that it has become TOO much.  My last few complaint-type posts on social media, including the one I made earlier, are clear evidence of this that I cannot deny.  My enthusiasm has taken a noticeable hit due to this focus on the concept of steadily rising popularity.

I have been unreasonable, which is in direct conflict with what I claim to stand for.

So it comes down to, how do I rectify this situation?  How do I reclaim what I once did have, but have apparently lost somewhere along the way?  How do I get my enthusiasm back?  How do I know what I need to do to put myself in the right mindset?

When I was confronted with clear thoughts of having lost track of what I'm about, I thought to myself, "I still have goals to strive toward, don't I?  Aren't I enthusiastic enough about getting PBs in speedgames?  I also dance, have fun playing casual games, I crack jokes, I sing a few bars from time to time, how could this be?"  And yet, here we are.

Caring is good, in general.  But I have been caring too much.  That's bad, and it shows.

The parties who informed me of this have both suggested that I step away from streaming for a while.  A week or preferably more.  I'd do it, but as I don't have any real-world interests, I'd feel like I'm just deliberately putting a giant hole in my life rather than gaining anything positive from my time off.  All I'd do is sit and watch other people stream for one or more weeks.  I just can't see it doing any good.

Instead, I think what will do the most good is to change my approach.  Stop caring so much about my numbers and care more about having fun - which I thought I was doing, having fun, but my regulars agree that I'm not having as much as I once was.  The very fact that I have as few viewers as I do recently makes it clear they don't want to watch me for this very reason - why I'm in this situation.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and change overnight.  But I can't.  This is something that will inevitably take some time.  So please bear with me until I can become who I once was, once again.  I feel a little like Vegeta right now, except I don't have a Babidi to magic me so I can instantly fulfill my desire of "I wanted to go back to the way I was BEFORE!!"  Except in this case, going back to the way I was is a GOOD thing.

Changes effective immediately:
> I will not be focusing anymore on attention-grabbing.  Not for AGDQ, not for anything else.  I will plan streams exclusively around what I feel like playing that day, instead of trying to decide which content will get the most attention.
> I will not schedule anything else specifically to draw attention to the fact that I'm trying to raise funds for AGDQ.  It obviously wasn't doing any good anyway, and if it hasn't done good up until now, continuing that behavior is pointless for every reason under the sun that you can possibly come up with right now.
> I am going to *try* to start visibly taking my speedruns less seriously.  This will probably be the hardest thing on the list to do.  More smiling, more jokes, be more like my old self.
> More casual gameplay.  Whatever I can squeeze in.  RPGs, platformers, dancing, anything where chat can just come in and chill with me.  I don't do this *nearly* enough lately.
> More popular interactivity-based games that chat can literally play with me (or against me).  100% Orange Juice has been suggested as a great starting point, and it's already scheduled for Interactive Day for the 12 Days of ChristmAce.  If chat loves it, it will become part of the every-2-weeks interactive block (Sundays maybe?).  I can also try ShellShock Live 2.
> More late-night streams; things like charting, PSO2, and whatever else.  I keep saying I'm going to do this and keep not doing it.  If I want to be who I was, this has to happen.

Changes effective sometime in the next few months:
> After December is over, there will not be another donation goal bar on my stream for ANY REASON for at least several months.  I don't care what I think I need; there's just always been a bar for something or other for over a year, and I myself have grown tired of its presence.

Things that won't change for reasons explained herein:
> I am not getting rid of my status bar from the top of my layout.  For one, that's where my alerts go, and for two, I love to celebrate new follows, hosts, subs, whatever.  I like to acknowledge the fact that you guys love me!  (Honestly, though the numbers are there, I actually pay very little attention to them *during* a stream.  I generally only look when an alert pops up.)
> The 12 Days of ChristmAce happens every year and will therefore continue as scheduled.
> I'm not going to start streaming on a schedule.  Allow me to explain why.  Sure, if I start streaming... for example, 2 to 10 PM every single day, now my viewers know when to catch me, and it will make them very, very happy.  But then my stream will suffer when I have to start setting my alarm and being less energetic than I could be; it'd be stressful and difficult for *me*.  I'm sorry.  I like to remain as stress-free as I can manage, and getting plenty of sleep most nights is not something I am willing to sacrifice in order to please people who want to know exactly when I'm going to stream next.

Again, I'm sorry I've been different.  I promise that, now that I actually know what the issue is, I will be working to rectify it.