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Apr 27th, 2017
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  1. Hi.
  2.  
  3.  
  4.  
  5. So there's a lot I want to say right now. I'll start out with the sit
  6. rep: My laptop broke, I don't currently have the money to replace it and
  7. I'm in no position to ask for a gift, or to make a promise I can't
  8. keep, and I also don't have a system within reach which has skype on it.
  9. Anyway, I don't want to talk about the present, I want to talk about
  10. the future. Blah blah, you all know me. Not just AEz, but this whole
  11. community. I'm messed up in a lot of ways, most notably I spend 24 hours
  12. a day on skype doing nothing of any particular value to myself or
  13. society. I've been pretty content with this lifestyle because it's so
  14. easy, and I've had no reason to change anything. Well, with my laptop
  15. broken, things have changed.
  16.  
  17.  
  18.  
  19. I'm a 22-year old who hasn't worked a day in his miserable life. I've
  20. mooched off my mother for about 5 years longer than I should have. I've
  21. also been stealing money and other things from her for the purpose of
  22. maintaining my lifestyle. She's probably been aware of this but she's
  23. never kicked me out, in spite of her numerous empty threats. She's a
  24. true saint. I'm a true parasite. I've never claimed not to be. I'm not a
  25. good person and none of you should feel sorry for the position I'm in.
  26. I'm too powerful within my sphere of influence, which is pretty small,
  27. but I've discovered a fairly consistent method of taking advantage of it
  28. when I needed to. I would say it's related to the circumstances of my
  29. childhood. My father was a worthless piece of garbage. I'd say he was
  30. almost as bad as me, but he was probably worse. He actually physically
  31. assaulted her and posed a serious threat to both my life and hers.
  32. Fortunately, he's been dead for a while. Her first husband was even
  33. worse. I don't know much about it and it's clearly not something she's
  34. proud of, so I generally try to avoid making her relive it. Anyway, the
  35. point is she's had some pretty shitty men in her life, and I'd like to
  36. avoid becoming anything more than the 3rd worst man in her life. But I'm
  37. not really a man. I'm still just a boy, even though I should have aged
  38. to maturity, I haven't. I'm still just a kid.
  39.  
  40.  
  41.  
  42. I was told from a young age I would become something great. I guess I
  43. kind of started to feel entitled to that. I'm not going to blame anyone
  44. but myself. That I've failed to live up to whatever potential I
  45. supposedly had is no one's fault but my own.
  46.  
  47.  
  48.  
  49. Before I go on, I'd like to thank anyone who has read this far. I
  50. haven't exactly planned this and it's sort of coming out in a
  51. stream-of-consciousness fashiom, and as I type it out I realize this is
  52. starting to sound startlingly like a suicide note. So, if you're worried
  53. about that, first off, thanks for the concern, second off, don't worry.
  54. I currently have, always had and most likely will always have, no
  55. desire to end my own life. Just wanted to clear that one up.
  56.  
  57.  
  58.  
  59. So anyway, since my laptop is broken, I suspect my idle hands will turn
  60. to sin. And no, I'm not getting all biblical on you. I am a staunch,
  61. unflappable athiest. I still believe it's possible to sin, but I see it
  62. differently than would be seen from a religious perspective. Making the
  63. life of my mother any worse, to me, is a sin. And one I do not currently
  64. wish to commit. That may change based on my temperament, one thing I've
  65. always been simultaneously proud of and ashamed of has been my ability
  66. to change temperament at seemingly the drop of a hat. And so, I wish to
  67. face this head-on. I'll be direct since it's hard to think of a
  68. particularly clever way to transition into this and I'm starting to
  69. ramble because I'm afraid to admit this to anyone, but currently, at
  70. this moment, I want to be kicked out. I want to finally have to depend
  71. on myself. I want to be forced to be a man, and not just a pathetic kid
  72. who never grows up. I'll be honest: I have a very strong connection to
  73. my mother at this moment. Freakishly strong. Like, Norman Bates and
  74. Norma Bates strong. And that concerns me because while my mother should
  75. be an important aspect of my life, she shouldn't be this integral part I
  76. can't live without. It's unhealthy and since I'm in this fairly lucid
  77. transitional period where I really have no attachments to anything, I
  78. want to take advantage of being so reasonable. Before, if this kind of
  79. thing happened, I'd shut down out of fear, and just kind of change into
  80. something that will do anything to get what he wants. The laptop I've
  81. been on for the past year and half or so was a hunk of crap. But I was
  82. fine because I didn't deserve it. I basically got it by begging my
  83. grandfather to give me his. He tentatively parted ways, and I promised I
  84. would try to get some work to repay him. Well, that was far too
  85. open-ended and I chose to interpret that promise as loosely as possible.
  86. That's a problem I have. I'll do something someone asks of me, but they
  87. have to be very detailed or I will interpret it any way I please.
  88. That's what got me fired from my first job, granted I wasn't fired so
  89. much as they just chose not to keep me. I was never actually hired
  90. either. I'm not sure what I was, but that's not important and I'm
  91. rambling again.
  92.  
  93.  
  94.  
  95. The important thing is that if my mother does what I ask her to do,
  96. which she might not because, as I mentioned, she's too damn nice for her
  97. own good, I might be without a computer. For like, an undefined amount
  98. of time. I don't know if I will ever get another one. If I get kicked
  99. out, I don't know if I'll even survive. I legitimately and truthfully
  100. want to see if I'll sink or swim. If I'll evolve into a man or die as an
  101. immature punk who thinks the world should be his. I want to see who I
  102. really am.
  103.  
  104.  
  105.  
  106. I'm only saying this here. I don't have anywhere else I really care to
  107. mention it. You guys, even the ones who don't care too much for me, or
  108. hate me outright, are the closest things in the world I have to friends.
  109. I hate to admit it, but you're all really important to me. What you
  110. think of me matters to me. I don't know if I'll be back, but if I do, I
  111. hope I'm a better person than I was when I left.
  112.  
  113.  
  114.  
  115. I'm hoping someone shows this to coolguy. This is directed at him: Alec,
  116. you've been my best friend since you were like, 15 and I was 20. Or
  117. something like that. And even back then, you were a bigger man than me. I
  118. hope you find a man who means a lot to you in the future, and if I
  119. never talk to you again, I hope you live a long, happy life.
  120.  
  121.  
  122.  
  123. Doubie: For a time I had a fairly legitimate sexual crisis because of
  124. you. You've made me feel some kind of strange emotion that very few
  125. people have elicited from me since. I know I made you feel uncomfortable
  126. at times, but rest assured, I'm pretty sure I'm not gay!
  127.  
  128.  
  129.  
  130. Jax: You're the most mature kid I ever spoke to for your age. I made you
  131. cry once and I have a lot of trouble forgiving myself for being capable
  132. of such a thing. Same thing I said to your brother. If we never meet,
  133. never speak again, I hope you have a long, fulfilling life.
  134.  
  135.  
  136.  
  137. Sphinx: Mike, you're both one of my best friends and one of the biggest
  138. problems that ever existed for me. You never judged me, you never blamed
  139. me, most importantly, you never held anything against me. It's because
  140. you were so ridiculously understanding that I got hooked by this damn
  141. community. I don't know whether that's been a good or bad thing, and I
  142. don't really care. I still see you as one of my best friends. I hope I
  143. meet you, but if I don't, it's been a true pleasure to know you.
  144.  
  145.  
  146.  
  147. Larry: You're basically the first person in this community I thought of
  148. as a friend. And 4 years later I still think of you as a friend. You're
  149. one of the nicest, funnest, stupidest guys I ever met. I hope we meet
  150. sometime in the future and become friends in a more meaningful fashion.
  151.  
  152.  
  153.  
  154. Prez: I've actually known you longer than anyone else in my entire life.
  155. Take that for what it's worth. I feel like we'd really get along if we
  156. met. I hope it happens. I hope I'm a better friend if it does.
  157.  
  158.  
  159.  
  160. Sousui: You were my gateway into the community. We had our rough spots, a
  161. lot of them in fact, but I'm glad to have been your friend. You're an
  162. incredibly bright guy and I'm sure you'll end up doing something great
  163. in life. I hope before it happens we can actually meet. I'd like to meet
  164. so many friends, but I just don't know if it's possible.
  165.  
  166.  
  167.  
  168. AEz: Thanks for this last opportunity everyone. You've been amazingly
  169. patient with me, even when I didn't deserve it. I'd like to not be
  170. removed from your chat as long as it's active, but that's gonna be your
  171. choice, really. You're all like, half a world away from me, but I'd
  172. still like to meet all of you. I just hope my German has improved if I
  173. do.
  174.  
  175.  
  176.  
  177. Maria: I still don't know what it was, but I hope it was meaningful, and
  178. I hope it will have meaning. That's all I wanted to say to you in
  179. particular.
  180.  
  181.  
  182.  
  183. And to all the rest: You're all important to me in some way. I hope
  184. everyone has a better life than I've had, and whatever happens, I hope
  185. you end up better than me, for what that's worth.
  186.  
  187.  
  188.  
  189. Well, that's about all I wanted to say. I don't know what the future has
  190. in store for me. I don't know if I have a future. I'm just going to
  191. take things a day at a time. Just like I always have. Hopefully,
  192. something will change for the better. Hopefully, this isn't the last
  193. time you hear from me.
  194.  
  195.  
  196.  
  197. ~Sincerely, Joseph Rouillard
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