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- Hi.
- So there's a lot I want to say right now. I'll start out with the sit
- rep: My laptop broke, I don't currently have the money to replace it and
- I'm in no position to ask for a gift, or to make a promise I can't
- keep, and I also don't have a system within reach which has skype on it.
- Anyway, I don't want to talk about the present, I want to talk about
- the future. Blah blah, you all know me. Not just AEz, but this whole
- community. I'm messed up in a lot of ways, most notably I spend 24 hours
- a day on skype doing nothing of any particular value to myself or
- society. I've been pretty content with this lifestyle because it's so
- easy, and I've had no reason to change anything. Well, with my laptop
- broken, things have changed.
- I'm a 22-year old who hasn't worked a day in his miserable life. I've
- mooched off my mother for about 5 years longer than I should have. I've
- also been stealing money and other things from her for the purpose of
- maintaining my lifestyle. She's probably been aware of this but she's
- never kicked me out, in spite of her numerous empty threats. She's a
- true saint. I'm a true parasite. I've never claimed not to be. I'm not a
- good person and none of you should feel sorry for the position I'm in.
- I'm too powerful within my sphere of influence, which is pretty small,
- but I've discovered a fairly consistent method of taking advantage of it
- when I needed to. I would say it's related to the circumstances of my
- childhood. My father was a worthless piece of garbage. I'd say he was
- almost as bad as me, but he was probably worse. He actually physically
- assaulted her and posed a serious threat to both my life and hers.
- Fortunately, he's been dead for a while. Her first husband was even
- worse. I don't know much about it and it's clearly not something she's
- proud of, so I generally try to avoid making her relive it. Anyway, the
- point is she's had some pretty shitty men in her life, and I'd like to
- avoid becoming anything more than the 3rd worst man in her life. But I'm
- not really a man. I'm still just a boy, even though I should have aged
- to maturity, I haven't. I'm still just a kid.
- I was told from a young age I would become something great. I guess I
- kind of started to feel entitled to that. I'm not going to blame anyone
- but myself. That I've failed to live up to whatever potential I
- supposedly had is no one's fault but my own.
- Before I go on, I'd like to thank anyone who has read this far. I
- haven't exactly planned this and it's sort of coming out in a
- stream-of-consciousness fashiom, and as I type it out I realize this is
- starting to sound startlingly like a suicide note. So, if you're worried
- about that, first off, thanks for the concern, second off, don't worry.
- I currently have, always had and most likely will always have, no
- desire to end my own life. Just wanted to clear that one up.
- So anyway, since my laptop is broken, I suspect my idle hands will turn
- to sin. And no, I'm not getting all biblical on you. I am a staunch,
- unflappable athiest. I still believe it's possible to sin, but I see it
- differently than would be seen from a religious perspective. Making the
- life of my mother any worse, to me, is a sin. And one I do not currently
- wish to commit. That may change based on my temperament, one thing I've
- always been simultaneously proud of and ashamed of has been my ability
- to change temperament at seemingly the drop of a hat. And so, I wish to
- face this head-on. I'll be direct since it's hard to think of a
- particularly clever way to transition into this and I'm starting to
- ramble because I'm afraid to admit this to anyone, but currently, at
- this moment, I want to be kicked out. I want to finally have to depend
- on myself. I want to be forced to be a man, and not just a pathetic kid
- who never grows up. I'll be honest: I have a very strong connection to
- my mother at this moment. Freakishly strong. Like, Norman Bates and
- Norma Bates strong. And that concerns me because while my mother should
- be an important aspect of my life, she shouldn't be this integral part I
- can't live without. It's unhealthy and since I'm in this fairly lucid
- transitional period where I really have no attachments to anything, I
- want to take advantage of being so reasonable. Before, if this kind of
- thing happened, I'd shut down out of fear, and just kind of change into
- something that will do anything to get what he wants. The laptop I've
- been on for the past year and half or so was a hunk of crap. But I was
- fine because I didn't deserve it. I basically got it by begging my
- grandfather to give me his. He tentatively parted ways, and I promised I
- would try to get some work to repay him. Well, that was far too
- open-ended and I chose to interpret that promise as loosely as possible.
- That's a problem I have. I'll do something someone asks of me, but they
- have to be very detailed or I will interpret it any way I please.
- That's what got me fired from my first job, granted I wasn't fired so
- much as they just chose not to keep me. I was never actually hired
- either. I'm not sure what I was, but that's not important and I'm
- rambling again.
- The important thing is that if my mother does what I ask her to do,
- which she might not because, as I mentioned, she's too damn nice for her
- own good, I might be without a computer. For like, an undefined amount
- of time. I don't know if I will ever get another one. If I get kicked
- out, I don't know if I'll even survive. I legitimately and truthfully
- want to see if I'll sink or swim. If I'll evolve into a man or die as an
- immature punk who thinks the world should be his. I want to see who I
- really am.
- I'm only saying this here. I don't have anywhere else I really care to
- mention it. You guys, even the ones who don't care too much for me, or
- hate me outright, are the closest things in the world I have to friends.
- I hate to admit it, but you're all really important to me. What you
- think of me matters to me. I don't know if I'll be back, but if I do, I
- hope I'm a better person than I was when I left.
- I'm hoping someone shows this to coolguy. This is directed at him: Alec,
- you've been my best friend since you were like, 15 and I was 20. Or
- something like that. And even back then, you were a bigger man than me. I
- hope you find a man who means a lot to you in the future, and if I
- never talk to you again, I hope you live a long, happy life.
- Doubie: For a time I had a fairly legitimate sexual crisis because of
- you. You've made me feel some kind of strange emotion that very few
- people have elicited from me since. I know I made you feel uncomfortable
- at times, but rest assured, I'm pretty sure I'm not gay!
- Jax: You're the most mature kid I ever spoke to for your age. I made you
- cry once and I have a lot of trouble forgiving myself for being capable
- of such a thing. Same thing I said to your brother. If we never meet,
- never speak again, I hope you have a long, fulfilling life.
- Sphinx: Mike, you're both one of my best friends and one of the biggest
- problems that ever existed for me. You never judged me, you never blamed
- me, most importantly, you never held anything against me. It's because
- you were so ridiculously understanding that I got hooked by this damn
- community. I don't know whether that's been a good or bad thing, and I
- don't really care. I still see you as one of my best friends. I hope I
- meet you, but if I don't, it's been a true pleasure to know you.
- Larry: You're basically the first person in this community I thought of
- as a friend. And 4 years later I still think of you as a friend. You're
- one of the nicest, funnest, stupidest guys I ever met. I hope we meet
- sometime in the future and become friends in a more meaningful fashion.
- Prez: I've actually known you longer than anyone else in my entire life.
- Take that for what it's worth. I feel like we'd really get along if we
- met. I hope it happens. I hope I'm a better friend if it does.
- Sousui: You were my gateway into the community. We had our rough spots, a
- lot of them in fact, but I'm glad to have been your friend. You're an
- incredibly bright guy and I'm sure you'll end up doing something great
- in life. I hope before it happens we can actually meet. I'd like to meet
- so many friends, but I just don't know if it's possible.
- AEz: Thanks for this last opportunity everyone. You've been amazingly
- patient with me, even when I didn't deserve it. I'd like to not be
- removed from your chat as long as it's active, but that's gonna be your
- choice, really. You're all like, half a world away from me, but I'd
- still like to meet all of you. I just hope my German has improved if I
- do.
- Maria: I still don't know what it was, but I hope it was meaningful, and
- I hope it will have meaning. That's all I wanted to say to you in
- particular.
- And to all the rest: You're all important to me in some way. I hope
- everyone has a better life than I've had, and whatever happens, I hope
- you end up better than me, for what that's worth.
- Well, that's about all I wanted to say. I don't know what the future has
- in store for me. I don't know if I have a future. I'm just going to
- take things a day at a time. Just like I always have. Hopefully,
- something will change for the better. Hopefully, this isn't the last
- time you hear from me.
- ~Sincerely, Joseph Rouillard
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