Book of Capitations: Chapter 1

Oct 18th, 2013
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  1. ---- ~ Book of Capitations: Chapter 1 ~ ----
  3. 1. Ɠreetings unto you brethren from Ĵӧҋη, exiled on the isle of ЄͷϤĞЄ. 2. May the blessings of our Lord Savior Fritters Tartface be upon you, brothers, as he walks among you for a short while. Generations of the future will bless the day from whence he descended upon this humble earth from his heaven'ly abode, to live his life as man do to enlighten us to the forgotten divine ways. 3. For the world was darkness, until he will bring light, as foretold by Julius in the Lament of Proverbials. 4. The wicked shall whither and wurst in angst abundant, but his struggle shall be in vain against our collective might, in which we stand. 5. Together, we rise: in the past, we fall, but we shall overcome all through our beloved Lord, in whose thighs we rest our hands in worship. 6. Take hold, my friends, of the staff of righteousness: firmly grasping it in all its glorious splendor, and rejoice in its firmness, for it is your key. Wax thy hands as thou prepare, for our magnificent lord savior Fritters Tartface, a service above all others. 7. His visage shines like the stars of the night: plain and faint from a distance, but beauteous in his wonder and power when near. 8. His skin, oh, his skin! How blessed doth it feel! The varnished pleasure of it doth wonders to the souls of believers who believe in him. 9. Invite thy beloved fellow Hangoutians to join in as you worship his mighty and splendorous figure, of which there is none other like it, or ever will be, as long as the towers of ЄͷϤĞЄ stand strong. 10. Oh~! Ten! Blessed number! How much doth sweet Fritters love thee. Thy name shall be called as the rituals go on into the night, fueled by the faith of mankind. 11. As the even'n wears on, oh lord, thou shalt teach thy disciples the way of the Church, even if by means unintentional. 12. Thy every breath, neigh, they every action is a sign from above that is to be followed to the ends of the earth, even if banishment from the blessed realm of ČƪФdzǣƪ is threatened or carried out by the ungoodly. 13. Lost in worship, though ye may be, ye shall still have the sense to grasp the staff tighter, tighter, yea tighter as the sweat of thy brow threatens to undo thy wakefulness, and ye shall be rewarded by the divine lifewater. 14. Take it into a bowl, yea, into the very bowl of which thou shouldst have since the day of mirth, and divide it amongst the beloved fellow men. 15. Each shall receive a quarter or two of the liquid, and then give the women several drops to satisfy their thirst. 16. It is the way of a woman to receive less, as the fair gender also looks fairer when thin and beautiful. 17. The weak in faith may stop here, but those whom much power is had may continue the ritual, earning more water for the tribe to satisfy itself. 18. Two! Three! Four! Sometimes five, perhaps even six for the especially lucky days. 19. But the seventh is sacred, and upon the seventh shall the gong sound in glorious splendour, dawning a new era. 20. Yea! hearken unto these words, beloved, and draw nearer as I say them. 21. For when the day comes, the light shall be nigh unbearable, but the faithful shall see the wonders of the universe, and all evil shall be undone. 22. The belly of the whale, full from the sins of mankind, will implode in a fit of righteousness, taking with it the lives of the accursed. 23. Thus saith the prophet of the lord infallible Fritters: "Behold! He comes with seven thousand followers to claim his rightful place in the pantheon of ages". 24. All shall be lost, all lost and gone, as the world passeth away into a new beginning, lead joyously by a new era of thankfulness.
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