Hermes - Promo

“You’ve helped us so much,” Hermes said kindly, offering a grateful smile, “But the audience doesn’t realize that you’re one of us. If someone needs to talk on the team’s behalf, it should be me.” He held out his smartphone grimly. “Hold this for me. My team needs their manager right now.” Panty took the phone as Hermes climbed the steps into the ring, drawing the eye of every fan in the seats.

“Wait!” Panty called, visibly nervous. “What are you even going to say!?”

Hermes gave the phone a significant look. “The other team only had so many matches, you know. What do you think I’ve been doing for the last three weeks?”

Panty looked down dumbly at the phone as Hermes squeezed through the ropes to the tentative murmurs of the crowd. He didn’t so much as blink as he politely asked for the microphone from Danny, and received it with little protest. On the sidelines, Panty noticed the phone had been open on a folder full of video files… an entire terabyte, all dedicated to a single man in a suit. Squinting at the title of the folder, Panty could barely make out the words before Hermes began to speak.

*2543 files - “Everything Paul Heyman Ever Said”*

“LAAAAAADIES AND GENTLEMEEEEN!” Hermes roared at the top of his lungs, “MY NAME IS HERMES CONRAD!!”

The sudden show of enthusiasm from someone so plain caught just about everyone off guard. Even Larxene and Bonesaw winced, albeit it was likely more from the volume of the announcement than its vigor. Few hearts are won with shouting alone.

“I AM THE MANAGER REPRESENTING THE YOUTH GONE WILD, AND MY CLIENTS ARE THE RELENTLESS *DANNNNNYYYYYY PHAAAAAAANTOOOOOOOOM*!! AND THE INDEFATIGABLE *YELLLOOOOOOOOOOOOW*!!”

A brief pause. The crowd buzzed, but it wasn’t the excited roar he was hoping for. Not a big deal. After all, he’d barely begun.

“NOW, as much as I would like to stand here and explain exactly how my clients will OBLITERATE Team… *Ontological Crisis*,” he began with a mocking air of elitism in his tone as he spoke the team name of the opponents, “It’s pretty obvious to myself and everyone else present that there are other matters which must first be discussed. Namely, the absence of my *other* client, the hunter Gon Freecss.” He let the mic droop to his chest, letting his head fall somberly. “It is my deepest regret to announce that, with absolute certainty, Gon will not be joining us tonight for the Hell In A Cell match.”

Suddenly, a fire erupted in his belly, and Hermes’ speech transitioned back to a wild roar. “BUT DON’T THINK FOR A SECOND HIS INJURY WAS A RESULT OF FAILURE! IN FACT, ALLOW ME TO PAINT A PICTURE FOR YOU!” Hermes ignored the other team completely as he spoke, focused on his tirade as he was. “JUST A FEW WEEKS AGO, AT THE ELIMINATION CHAMBER, DURING THE REMATCH AGAINST TEAM AERODYNAMIC, THE ARCHITECTS OF OUR SUFFERING, THE CAUSE OF OUR DROP INTO THE LOSER’S BRACKET, EVERYTHING SEEMED HOPELESS! LADY LUCK WAS UNKIND TO MY CLIENTS, AND THEY FOUND THEMSELVES OUTNUMBERED AND OUTGUNNED! GON HAD BEEN *LOCKED AWAY* IN A POD, AS HIS OPPONENTS FAILED TO PIN HIM THROUGH *MAIN STRENGTH*! THAT’S RIGHT, THEY SET HIM ASIDE TO DEAL WITH HIM LATER!” Hermes had a look of total disgust on his face- he didn’t harbor any ill will against the team, but if there was one thing he’d learned in his weeks of binge-watching promos, it was the importance of selling.

“GON LOOKED ON IN *HORROR* AS HIS TEAMMATES FOUGHT ON, NEVER LOSING FAITH THAT THEY WOULD FIND A WAY TO FREE HIM!” His vindictive fervor fell into a sad statement of fact as he turned and gestured at Danny and Yellow. “Unfortunately, ladies and gentlemen, this is not a children’s story, and my clients found the numbers advantage insurmountable. One by one they fell, and as the referee began to count out my client Yellow… One… Two… HE MADE HIS CHOICE. Gon chose to sacrifice… EVERYTHING.” At first the passion had been faked, but now Hermes had to fight to keep the tears from his eyes and he continued his retelling with the momentum of an oncoming train. “IN EXCHANGE FOR EVERYTHING, MY CLIENT GAINED POWER LIKE NO ONE HERE COULD POSSIBLY COMPREHEND! HE CRUSHED TEAM AERODYNAMIC LIKE THE INSIGNIFICANT BUGS THEY WERE, KEPT MY CLIENT YELLOW IN THE FIGHT, AND AS A RESULT OF HIS *NOBLE* SACRIFICE, WE STAND BEFORE YOU HERE TODAY, SEEKING TO HONOR HIS DEED AND REPAY THE DEBT WE OWE WITH NOTHING LESS… THAN COMPLETE AND UTTER VICTORY.”

“NOW, as some of you know, I am a bureaucrat by heart. I KNOW MY WAY AROUND THE HEART OF THIS COMPANY LIKE IT’S MY CHILDHOOD HOME! I COULD NAVIGATE IT BLIND AND DEAF! Victory came at a price, but I knew there were loopholes somewhere, weaving paths around the ironclad rules of the Scramble that I could use to my advantage! WHY, MY ENTIRE REASON FOR EXISTING IN THIS SCRAMBLE IS MY SECOND-TO-NONE MANAGERIAL SKILLS! OF *COURSE* I FOUND A LOOPHOLE IN OUR CONTRACTS, ONE ALLOWING US TO REPLACE A TEAMMATE WITH AN ALTERNATE-REALITY VERSION OF THEMSELVES IN THE EVENT WE MUST CONTINUE ON WITHOUT A MEMBER!”

Danny’s eyes went wide, and he looked to Hermes with naked shock. “We could have-” he began, but Yellow stopped him. Larxene smirked noticeably. Hermes didn’t care. Yes, in the ring the lie was completely obvious, but this wasn’t for the people inside the ring. Everyone inside the ring who planned on supporting his team had already cast their lots at the beginning of the Scramble. Now, Hermes spoke to the crowd, and the crowd only.

“I am not one to FORCE my team into a disadvantage. After I discovered this opportunity, I spoke with my clients and explained to them that we could have Gon replaced with an exact duplicate, allowing us to continue on, unhampered by injuries and sacrifices!”

Hermes paused for effect, and made a point to look Larxene dead in the eyes. “MY CLIENTS REFUSED.”

That got the crowd going. Nothing like a good plot twist, even if it was entirely manufactured, to get the wheels of interest spinning. With the stage set, Hermes’ voice rose once more.

“AND DO YOU WANT TO KNOW *WHY* MY CLIENTS REFUSED? IT’S REALLY QUITE SIMPLE- YOU SEE, IF THEY HAD THEIR TEAMMATE REPLACED, THEY WOULD HAVE TAKEN HIS WORK, HIS SACRIFICE, THE TICKET TO THE FINALS HE PAID FOR IN *BLOOD*, AND THEY WOULD HAVE TORN IT TO PIECES. MY CLIENTS ARE BETTER THAN THAT. THEY UNDERSTAND THE WEIGHT OF FRIENDSHIP, AND *THAT* IS WHY THEY REFUSED TO THROW AWAY THEIR DISADVANTAGE! *THAT* IS WHY THEY CHOSE TO COME TO TONIGHT’S CHAMPIONSHIP HELL IN A CELL MATCH ONE MEMBER SHORT! *THAT* IS WHY, WHEN YOU *DARE* TELL THEM THEY ARE IN OVER THEIR HEADS, THEY DON’T EVEN BAT AN EYE!”

Whipped into a frenzy, the crowd roared in response to Hermes’ vitriolic speech. Danny looked like he was going to say something, but before he could, Hermes was off again.

“BUT LET’S NOT DOWNPLAY THE ACCOMPLISHMENTS OF OUR COMPETITORS! AFTER ALL, THEY WORKED VERY HARD TO GET HERE! *CHAMPIONS* OF THE WINNERS’ BRACKET, *SLAYERS* OF THE DRAGON THAT BESTED US AS WE WERE FINDING OUR FOOTING! *HONESTLY*, CONGRATULATIONS! I’M SURE YOUR RESPECTIVE MULTIVERSES WILL BE VERY PROUD OF YOUR SECOND PLACE MEDAL.”

Another pause, another bloodthirsty cheer.

“BECAUSE YOU SEE, THERE’S SOMETHING YOUR TEAM OF MISFITS IS MISSING: HARDSHIP. STRIFE. CHALLENGE. MISFORTUNE. IN YOUR GOLDEN UNDEFEATED RUN TO THE FINALS, YOU NEVER ONCE EXPERIENCED THE BITTER TASTE OF DEFEAT. WELL, SURPRISE SURPRISE, MY CLIENTS HAVE. THEY’VE FELT THE WEIGHT OF FAILURE, THE HARDSHIP OF SHATTERED TRUST, AND THE CHALLENGE OF THE CLIMB BACK UP TO THE TOP. THEY’VE CONQUERED THEIR OWN PERSONAL DEMONS! THEY’VE FOUGHT BACK FROM SITUATIONS NO TEAM SHOULD OVERCOME! THEY’VE FACED INSURMOUNTABLE ODDS, AND WHEN THE TIME CAME TO RUN OR FIGHT, *THEY CHOSE TO FIGHT*! THEY’VE- ...THEY’VE CAUGHT A GOD DAMNED PLANE! LIKE A BASEBALL!”

Hermes rounded on the other team again, pointing a finger accusingly.

“BEFORE THE MATCH BEGINS AND WE CAVE YOUR VARIOUS SKULLS IN, I’LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS BIT OF WISDON: YOUR PROBLEM IS THAT YOU MISUNDERSTAND WHAT WE’RE HERE FOR TODAY. THIS ISN’T JUST A CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH. THIS ISN’T JUST A HELL IN A CELL MATCH. THIS ISN’T JUST THE FINAL ACT OF SOME GRAND STORYLINE. THIS IS A FIGHT FOR SURVIVAL. AND WHO IS BETTER EQUIPPED FOR SURVIVAL THAN THE TEAM THAT FOUGHT ON THROUGH THE GAUNTLET OF THE LOSER’S BRACKET, THROUGH HARDSHIPS YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY IMAGINE? NOT A DAMN SOUL ELSE, THAT’S WHO.”

Hermes let the microphone fall to the canvas with an audible thunk as he walked away. His job was done.

They wanted a promo?

They got a promo.

***

Finals, FreestyleKneepad