On the Subject of Deadnaming

(Let's all try to keep in mind again that I only do my best to be a reasonable person, okay?)

"Oh my God you called them by their pre-transition name, you can't do that EVAR RAAAAAAAAAR!!!"

Give it a rest.

Look, I'm in support of transgender individuals in general, alright?  And we should certainly strive to accommodate their new gender of choice as we are able to do.  And any person as reasonable as myself should see my logic here.

You simply cannot say "I never went by that old name, let's all pretend I was never that person."  What, you were born the day you transitioned?  At 20, 30, 40some years old?  No you weren't.  Implying that you've always gone by your new name and insisting that nobody use your old one under any circumstances for any reason is ridiculous.

And thus I say that *especially* if you've gained notoriety before transitioning - such that a non-trivial number of people would know you by your old name - it is LUDICROUS to say people cannot use your old name for the sake of referencing a name many people who knew you at the time were familiar with.  Deadnaming for factual reference is a way to avoid people who'd otherwise not know you (who SHOULD know you) going "who?"  So long as one ALSO points out that the individual has since transitioned (thus calling attention to the matter and spreading the notion that your gender is different now, thus educating people on the matter of your current name and gender), there is no reason in the universe not to deadname WHEN IT IS NECESSARY AS A FACTUAL REFERENCE.  When referencing factually, as a juxtaposition, it is a reasonable thing to do.  (I don't condone deadnaming just to be an asshole, that's just... well, assholish.)

The thing is, your transition factually happened.  You used to use a different name and present yourself differently for a non-trivial amount of time in your life.  To claim that you've always been your current gender and demand people always use your new name under all circumstances is an exercise in futility, and more importantly, unreasonability - and the longer you've gone by your old name and gender and the more notoriety you gained as that old identity, the more ridiculous it is to expect others to play pretend.

So yeah, for who are now surely using lines like "it's nobody's business that my gender used to be different / they don't need to know that I'm transgender / I'd rather everyone just always act like I've always been my new gender," that's going to be anywhere between kinda tough and pretty much impossible.  Sorry, that's how it is.  The real question is when it's really necessary to inform people that you used to be differently-gendered and differently-named.  It's important that some individuals know it up front - you aren't going to tell your doctors and surgeons you've always been your new gender, for example, and I'd certainly hope you've told your significant other about your situation.  And sometimes it's important for large swaths of people to know it, such as in cases where you've previously gained notoriety under your old name.  So, I'm NOT saying it's always necessary to point out that you've transitioned; it needn't be drilled at every possible opportunity.  Naturally, who really needs to know and when depends; in social situations where your gender isn't often mistaken and you don't own pre-transition notoriety, it obviously isn't important to point out that you're transgender, of course not.  And of course the less notoriety you had before transitioning, the easier it is to expect people to easily use the proper name and pronouns when you're first introduced to them, as less people would know you from before your transition, and thus it becomes less-necessary to *ever* bring up the fact that you've transitioned (there are less accidental slip-ups to begin with).

I don't think you're going to sit there and try to tell me you DON'T want people to be educated on the matter of your current name and gender (whether or not it also needs mentioned that you're transgender) so that if they bump into you IRL today, they'll know what to call you and which pronouns to use, so as not to make a fool of themselves.  I agree absolutely that people should have that information, and I don't think you'd argue against that.

What it boils down to, I think, is: the more notoriety you had pre-transition, the more impossible it is to pretend your new gender is the way things always were, and the less you can expect people to act that way; with enough pre-transition notoriety, yes, you can have NO real expectation to ever get things to a point where 100% of everyone treats you like you were always [new gender].  Sorry, that's life.

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Let's put how I feel about this in perspective, from an interaction point of view, to help you understand where I'm coming from.  So, for example: If I meet an MtF tomorrow, so long as I know the female name they wish me to use, and I know they want me to use "she/her," I am going to do my best to call them that way, and no, I don't feel it's necessary by default to call out the fact that they've transitioned - it is not important to do so in the current social context (again, that'd be malicious because there's no real reason to bring it up and place them under *UN*necessary scrutiny and stress).  Group chats would be the same way.  I'm not going to bring up something like that if it isn't necessary.

Things change only when making factual references to things which happened before the transition, when the individual used a different name that gained notoriety for said actions, IF many others present would know them better by that name, WHILE educating said individuals on the matter of the transition having happened (such as in videos on YouTube, though other contexts can sometimes apply).  In such a context, deadnaming is not used maliciously, but rather as a reference to say "you knew them that way then, though they wish to be addressed differently now."  Again, in that situation, it's a juxtaposition used to educate those who don't already know, not a tool of degradation and destruction.

Granted, one should wish to avoid pulling this *in person* when possible, as the person is THERE and it puts their status as transgender on the spot.  One SHOULD try to avoid deadnaming IN PERSON whenever possible, and apologize for any accidental slips.
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So, so long as deadnaming is used factually and not meant to cause defamation, and not putting them on the spot in person, deadnaming in reference can be a valuable tool for connecting the CURRENT identity to something they did BEFORE transitioning SO LONG as you ALSO include details on currently-preferred name and gender so that others do not continue to utilize the old name and pronouns.

I think that's reasonable.