Eat more, suck less.

Alexithymiaa: -Steph laaid across the bed on her stomach, her right arm hooked under her head to prop it up like a pillow. She watched Penny next to her who was being very cuddly and sweet today, moving her left hand out to scratch her nails into the dog's head. She caaught sight of the little tattooed string on her index finger, frowning when she felt the heart-wrenching guilt in the pit of her stomach.-
Covet: Felix came out of the bathroom, drying his hands off on his shorts as he came out, tilting his head to look at Steph who was just relaxing on the bed, well looked like she was relaxing until upon further inspection he noticed the look on her face. "What's with the face Red?" He asked her with a tilt to his head.
Alexithymiaa: -She shifted her arm out from underneath her head to prop her body up a bit when he came out of the bathroom, pulling her left hand back to her side. The strap of her tank slipped off her boney shoulder for the millionth time today, which she quickly grabbed and shoved back into place. Opening her mouth to speak, she paused, staring at him for a moment before looking down at her hand again briefly and back to him. "I feel like I should be apologizing to you... again."-
Covet: Biting the inside of his cheek, absentmindedly, he noticed her shoulder strap slip off. Raising his eyebrow he blinked a couple of times, "For what now?" He asked her, making his way over to the bed, sitting on the edge of it. Felix assumed he knew what she was appologizing for, but he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Alexithymiaa: -She sat up a bit straighter, pulling her hands into her lap with her legs stretched out since knee bending was still aan issue. Diverting her eyes from his face because she was having issues looking him directly in the eye, she stared at Penny who was just comfortably lying on the bed. "I've been restricting. A lot..." She paused, trying to force the words out of her mouth before she decided not to say them. "A lot of the things you've brought me to eat, I've given Penny and Nugget. I've been struggling for a few weeks..."-
Covet: "Intentionally or is it because of the pain and the medications?" He asked in a serious tone. " I'd like to say you were smooth about pulling it off without me realizing it, but I kind of figured you were up to something when you were actually eating things, but still had that hollow look to your face." He added then looked at her, regardless if she was going to look back at him at all.
Alexithymiaa: "Both..." She pursed her lips, finally forcing herself to lift her eyes to meet his, swallowing hard. "It started out mostly just being the pain and medication, but then I also couldn't get out of my own head about barely moving all day and how I felt. I tried to tell you-" She cut her words off, not wanting to push any blame off of herself because she knew it was definitely NOT his fault at all. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to lie to you."-
Covet: "I know you tried to tell me, and I tried to tell you that it didn't matter. That you looked great and you did... do." He said with a sigh then pushed his hair back with his hand, with a sigh. " I want to be frustrated because, well that's what it is, frustrating. Seeing you get caught up in your own head about this, thinking that being THIS thin is better than being a healthy weight. It's so hard for me to wrap my head around. It's why I'm trying to both and not push you away from gymnastics, because look at what it's done to your health, not just physically but mentally too." He said to her, in a sincere and kind tone. "I don't like that something has this much control over your life and holds you back from much enjoying it to it's fullest. It... sucks. To put it simply."
Covet: *to both push and not push
Alexithymiaa: "It's not about being better..." She trailed off, moving her hand to push her glasses up her nose. "I'm uncomfortable looking any other way. This... is how I've always looked. I know the truth of the matter. I do, but that doesnt change the fact that gaining weight, however healthy it might be for me, is a huge change and it's basically like rewiring everything I've ever known. And just when I think I have a pretty decent handle on things, I end up on my ass again to start all over..."-
Covet: "I hate to break it to you Red, but you're always changing, even when you think you haven't... you have. We're not supposed to be forever stationary and never changing. If we were we'd never have evolved from neanderthals. Change isn't bad. Change isn't good. Change is just change, and sometimes good things happen with it, and sometimes bad things happen." He said with a shrug. You can't tell me that gaining weight is nearly as big, as becoming a semi famous musician, or getting rid of your shithead exboyfriend, or overcoming every other shitty obstacle in your life that's come so far. It's just another excuse, if you know that it's wrong, and do nothing to change it, or keep taking the two steps back that you take forward." He told her with a soft look.
Covet: shrug. "You*
Alexithymiaa: "That's different." She spoke quickly with a little bit of defense. "Those things felt very obviously positive. There was little or no downfalls or negatives with any of those things. This is different. Positive, yes, but disguised with negatives that make it hard to see that it's a good thing. I know gaining weight means I'm healthy to you, but gaining weight to me just feels like I'm fat and even more uncomfortable with my body image. And eating to you means feeling good and gaining weight, but eating to me just means I'm going to feel sick in a minute. It's not as black and white for me."-
Covet: "You're not anywhere near fat though. Like. the farthest thing from it. And you can't tell me there is ANYTHING positive about being anorexic. And you and I both know that the people that are close to you, and actually matter would continue to help make this change a positive one for you. The only person focusing on the negative about this is you. Which means the only person who can change that, is you. If you think following your music dream is going to make, "staying like this" easier, I have news for you....and it's not positive. People are actually going to pull you apart, more than you think they do now. You and your band will be known for how YOU look, not for how amazing you all perform and play. How can you be so complacent with that kind of garunteed negativity, over hope and positivity that come with making those changes?" He asked her reaching over to take her hand. "There is no colors associated to your anorexia, Steph. There's life and death. And where you think you're carefully keeping yourself in this "grey" area of zero change, really you're just slowly getting closer and closer to death, the longer you stay in that purgatory. I'm sorry for making this so macabre, but there's no way to sugar coat this reality, and you know that. " He smiled softly and gave her hand a squeeze. "I know it sucks, but that feeling of being sick, will go away, the longer you stick with it. Your stomach would change, and getting those vitamins and nutrients that your body is literally starving for, would help you feel better mentally too. If you can push through all this pain, and overcome it because you know if you stick with it, you'll be back to walking and feeling like a normal person again, then you can do the same to overcome your eating disorder."
Alexithymiaa: -She chewed on her lower lip as she listened to him, looking at their hands together when he took hers. The second he started to talk about death, her eyes got wet since it's kind of a sore subject for her and that's essentially what gets her every time. "Being here... being trapped here with no freedom to be myself and to do the things I need to do FOR myself, makes this more difficult. A lot of the time if I feel like I'm struggling, I go to the cemetery and I'll just sit with Maeve for a while. I can't just get up and go like before. I'm trapped here with my own thoughts and everyone else's convenience. I don't have the luxury of any buffers or distractions from being in my own head right now."-
Covet: "Stop it. First of all, just because you're here, doesn't mean you're not doing anything for yourself. You're healing, which is rather important especially right now. You have lots of options for distractions, and none of them are at the inconvenience of anyone but yourself. If you want to go somewhere, to be by yourself or otherwise, all you have to do is ask. Nobody you would call, is going to feel like your an inconvenience when it's something like this." He told her. "Now as far as the cemetary goes, is it Maeve that does it for you, or is it sitting in a place that puts your mortality into perspective, what does it for you? Because if it's Maeve... The only part of her that's there in that cemetary, is her bones. You're not attached to her bones, you're not talking to her bones or connecting with them. You're attached to her spirit, or soul or what have you, right? Her spirit isn't in that cemetary, her spirit is here." He told her pointing to her chest. "So instead of putting yourself in a place where the negativity of your decisions is forced upon you, carry her with you, everywhere. As a reminder, or a voice of concience. Every bite, do it for her, as if she's right there with you watching, to make her proud. Don't let your voice be the only one in your head. I know that sounds a little crazy, but you know what I mean by that."
Alexithymiaa: "I guess it's both. It's the visual of just sitting there and seeing her name right in front of me and knowing she was only twenty when she died because of.... because of this. This stupid thing. If I'm not there, I can distract myself from the feeling of an impending and inevitable future if I continue on this path. If I'm sitting there, I can close my eyes all I want, but when I open them her name is still staring at me as a reminder of my own fate." She paused, moving her hand up to swipe the tears away from her cheeks. "It scares me into staying on track. I think about her all the time and the fact that she helped me cheat my way through rehab until the day she died. I don't want to be the person I was when I knew her and I always wish we could have known each other without the stigma of why we came together in the first place." She took a deep breath, staring into his face. "I feel like I have something to prove to her. To you... to Bryan. To Cadence, but it doesn't feel like it's for me until I'm sitting in the cemetery thinking about how I like being able to leave when I'm done leaving flowers for her."-
Covet: "Then you have to change that. You have nothing to prove to the rest of us, Living or dead." Felix told her. "You have everything to prove to yourself. That nagging negative version that sits in your head telling you, you can't. You've never been one to back down, when someone says you can't, to anything else. So apply that same thought to this. I get the extreme of what it is about that situation that scares you straight, but that shouldn't be what you have to rely on, to stay on track. That's what needs to change. It's not your physical self, but your mental self. The physical will come all on it's own. So I want to try something different, if you're willing. Because all I'm seeing with this going to the cemetary thing is that it's reinforcing negative behaviors. You know you can slip and slip and slip and all you have to do is go back to that place and the cycle starts over again. So we need to break the wheel, or change the direction, rather."
Alexithymiaa: -She pursed her lips as she listened to him, a little nervous and unsure of what he was really getting at here. "Well... what do you want to try?" She asked in a small voice.-
Covet: "You're no longer going to go visit Maeve when you've slipped back down your mountain, Sisyphus. She's no longer going to be your reliable turnabout. That's not fair to her or her memory, not if you feel you have something to prove. In fact, it's kind of insulting." Felix added, "Instead We'll take it day by day. Everyday you eat, will add up to the end of the week. Seven days of eating, means that you get to pick out some flowers to leave on her grave, along with a note that says how many days, in a row you've managed to eat, and a note of encouragement for yourself to read the next week when you go back. You already said that it's a comforting feeling to know that you get to leave the cemetary after leaving her flowers, so we'll build on that, and it will give a better honor to Maeve's memory, and it will be a positive one too." He explained.
Alexithymiaa: -She dropped her eyes to stare into her lap, feeling a little guilty for 'using' her friend's memory in this way. "I never meant to be insulting. I just always thought she'd be happy to help me even if it was too late to help her... but I guess we can try this. And... I don't want to go in the wheelchair. The physical therapist says that as long as I'm comfortable with it, I can start using the crutches again regularly. I want to be able to move myself around even if it's only a little bit. That's important to me."-
Covet: "I know you didn't, you were doing what you needed to survive. That's why you're fixing it now. She's still going to be helping you, just in a more positive way. We won't even put the wheelchair in the vehicle, and I'm more than okay with that, because grass isn't any easier than sand to move that thing through. Just so long as you aren't overdoing it." He told her then moved so that he could sit next to her putting his arm around her shoulders, and pressing a kiss to the one closest to him.
Alexithymiaa: "I'm not going to. I can't. I can just about handle what they want me to be doing. I was basically out of breath and weezing on Thursday and we were only halfway through the exercises he wanted to do with me. It feels like shit." She leaned into him when he put his arm around her. "I think I want to go to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day, and a new start."-
Covet: "Good. Eating will help you, with feeling less exhausted during that too. Give you fuel to burn off." He told her as he fully wrapped his arms around her. "Yes it is, and it's one that will start with a four ounce strawberry and ice smoothie. Think you can handle that for Maeve?" He asked her as he yawned.
Alexithymiaa: "I think so. As long as you don't add any extra sugar. The strawberries are sweet enough." She turned her head so she could kiss him before sliding backwards toward the pillows, making herself comfortably only to have Penny get up and move up the bed too because oh no, must be closer. "Thank you. For listening... for understanding, and for offering aa solution."-
Covet: "Of course, I know it's been hit and miss as far as my solutions go, but I'm willing to keep trying until we find something that works. Even if it's just me guiding you through something you've already been doing, just in a better way." He told her as he kept his arms around her, adjusting as she laid down into a comfortable position he could fall asleep in with her.