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D&D Anal Spelunking

a guest Feb 20th, 2012 11,000 Never
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  1. Central: So
  2. Central: In D&D
  3. Central: A dice check of 80 on an Escape Artist check means you can fit through a 4-inch hole
  4. Central: 4chan speculates:
  5. Central: >DC 80: Extremely tight space
  6. >This is the DC for getting through a space when one’s head shouldn’t even be able to fit; this can be as small as 2 inches square for Medium-size creatures. Halve this limit for each size category less than Medium-size; double it for each size category greater than Medium-size. If the space is long, such as in a chimney, multiple checks may be called for.
  7.  
  8. Does that mean you can crawl up someone's anus and intestines with a DC 80 Escape Artist check?
  9. onilink0: XD
  10. Central: Well a successful wrestling takedown would suffice. Actually.
  11.  
  12. "OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING NOOOO DON'T DO THIS"
  13. "UUUHHHH"
  14. Central: This strikes me as a viable combat tactic in nearly every situation. You just have to pass a skill check and your enemy is, presumably, instantly subdued.
  15.  
  16. "I crawl behind the leading orc and when his attention is elsewhere, I crawl into his ass."
  17. "wat"
  18.  
  19. "I cast time stop from the scroll and run into Wizardlor the Megaevil's ass."
  20. "uh gah buh"
  21.  
  22. "A dragon! Quick, buddies, cast something that makes me Colossal size so I can crawl into his shitchute!"
  23. * DM kills self by tearing his own heart out *
  24.  
  25.  
  26. The ideal time to use this would be in a tournament, on another player.
  27. Central: Prestige Class: Anal Spelunker
  28.  
  29. Anal spelunkers are individuals who, whether it be through curiosity, a twisted childhood, or rampant homosexuality, have delved the anus of another humanoid. These individuals hone their anal delving skills until it can be used as a technique during combat; climbing into the enemy's anus and doing what you will within. The digestive tract of a humanoid is a dangerous place, and most spelunkers wear gas masks and protective gear.
  30.  
  31. Requirements:
  32. - base Dex of 18
  33. - skill focus Escape Artist
  34. - Agile
  35. - having immersed oneself entirely in a humanoid's anus
  36.  
  37. 1st level: Improved Ass-Grappling
  38. - Allows the Anal Spelunker to take an ass grapple check as a free action.
  39.  
  40. 3rd level: Experienced Spelunker
  41. - Through repeated anal assaults of other creatures and gathering an intimate knowledge of the anus and intestines, the Anal Spelunker no longer has to take Survival checks while spelunking.
  42. onilink0 is dying laughing right now XD
  43. Central is too
  44. Central: Rectal cancer? We'll send a team of halfling escape artists to fight it, hand to hand!
  45.  
  46. drop your pantaloons and bend over.
  47. Central: You know, I just realized that you can get an Escape Artist check to work with the Exemplar's Persuasive Performance class ability, letting you get the crowd Fanatic for you as you crawl up someone's rectum. It'll only get Indifferent creatures Fanatic, and Unfriendly and Hostile creatures Helpful though.
  48. Central: So hostile orcs approach the human-elf-dwarf-halfling party. The Halfling dives into the Elf's ass, giving a persuasive performance of anal speleology. The human and dwarf become fanatic, chanting "UP HIS ASS, UP HIS ASS!" The orcs, meanwhile, overcome their hostility and help ram the halfling into the elf's anus.
  49.  
  50. Incidentally, the elf should also become fanatic about the halfling going into his ass
  51. Central: Thats all of it, thank god
  52. Central: If it kept going I would've hyperventilated from laughter.
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