Delta 12/06/20

Vee🔺Today at 12:49 AM
If i do or dont become a V-whatever
I thought about Ringfit streams but...
I dont know if i can do that with the room
the floor is wood and i think it would make more sound
Vtuber and vsinger is more like a parttime job?
mmm i wonder about that
It might be more a hobby than a job...
i think.
maybe i'll talk about it here
the reason why i wanted to be a vtuber.
I really hated vtubers
i was against it
i have my reasons for that
2017 was it?
this was a big issue and there was a problem then
but theres an agreement not to talk about it
I got accepted as a VA for a company
adn they were doing it for a Vtuber position
and looked up to Kaguya Luna so i thought this was awesome
and went to the meeting and introduction stuff
i signed the papers and stuff and
and i meet a VA person and they told me
"this place is dangerous"
"if you dont do "it" you cant climb"
and to explain it...
you have to "sleep" with them to climb up...
to say it plainly its like selling your body to climb
out of 3 companies i went to, 2 were like that
I quit that place
from the interviewer? not like the higher up
Let me... think about this
idk what i can say i need to think about it
at that time, I was lightly sexually harassed there
and i thought this place is yabai
I think i wrote the contract..? or no i didnt
I went home without signing the contract and they said finish it at home
and i said no im not gonna do this anymore
and i felt that it was no good
i fell into despair cause like of my position at the time
i was working a partime
and i didnt go to school at the time
and i thought i could make a living doing what i like
but i saw this dark side so i was like uu.....
But then i thought maybe theres another place thats not dark so
i tried at another company
where i knew some people there
it was a different group and i went to meet them but...
It was.. not good
basically the same
They asked me to go to hotels alot
and i was like what
is this realm of work that dark??
And i...
well those who knows know but
I had a fan server in the past before
and while i was on call
there was a bit of harassment there
and a fan called the police
and there was a verdict and everything..
it wasnt just vtubers but like VA in general
talking about it now makes me feel sick
and thats when i thought, im done with this
i was at my wits end
when was this?
2018 end?
If you look at my old vids, theres a period when my actions drop to almost nothing
i was really depressed and did nothing
basically just sleeping all day
it was somewhere in 2018 or 2019
my tweet rate dropped way low
i forgot bits of that time
At that time, i think my caution around males went way up
i think i got diagnosed with a fear of men at the time?
*
Im going to go get water hold on
But yea if i talk about this story i have flashbacks and i feel sick
Romance story is fine since its not connected
I got scared of men irl
online is fine since you dont have to meet them
online guys was fine since i dont have to worry about meeting them
So internet interactions was fine
irl interactions were pretty bad though
it was after that when i began online dating
I thought it was gross at first
but after being reliant on just using internet so
The internet is great cause you can keep the distance of people
dont trust online men?
yea thats true how many times have i been tricked by them ww
its not good, most people have underlying intentions
i cant talk about company names but
the last place i went to was a really good place
the reason i wanted to go there was because of Honshou Marine
I said the reason i got into Vtuber was Kaguya Luna
and as i kept watching I came to watch Marine
Im still a fan of Senchou!
This is me as a person who likes her so of course im gonna say it
I really saw myself in her
not like her past but
Her Goals?
shes good at drawing, voice acting, and basically good at whatever
its what i wanted to be
I want to be like her!
is what i was thinking
Even now, as a person
or a character?
i look up to her
She's close to my own ideals
yea that!
to my own ideals.
When i did my interview, i said that i looked up to her and thats why i auditioned
but i closed those doors so
I need to go on and Deluta
I dont hate streaming but
If i lost the path to be able to stream, then i want to go on as a creator
yea a lot happened
theres no chance of me being any other character than Deluta
I know its just an image but
I cant just drop it
Its like a part of you?
After the incident, i got a lot of offers
I had a deep connection to the Pink character in the past
but i couldnt move on from that so
I turned all the offers down
you cant just change characters that easily
*explaining further why she feels its not a good idea to just character hop. She wants to be able to take full responsibility and do it herself
For now, im going to be living like this as Deluta
This character is one that I completely made myself
I dont know how much I can say but
but if i do go back...
its either going to be as Deluta or Pink
no other path i think
I like vtubers and i do keep watching them
but like...
I wish the economy was nicer
its not just harsh
its really rough
I cant watch the chat of the vtubers i like because its so bad
For someone like me, its like ah it makes sense because of my past and such but
Seeing vtubers who get harassed for doing nothing wrong?
i cant stand that
but i can say this now
You cant act how you want in that position
You're not allowed to show weakness
no matter what you're being said
you have to just take it
I realized i didnt have the mentality to do that
if i did something bad
i want to apologize
but they didnt let me
so i was like mmm...
you have to just take it till its over

I really thought it was sad
*for the other vtuber who did nothing wrong
For me, i feel that it may be easier on my own
I say this after looking at some places
If its alone, i can set everything up on my own so
if i admit it, its that

If i do something wrong, its correct to just apoligize
This is what i thought is obvious
its not like im an honest or good person
its what it should be
you did something wrong so you need to apologize for it
and even if it was "in the moment"
onlookers will be like "eh?"
I don think there are many people who look at this and hear "you did well!" and be happy about it
so if i did or do something wrong, let me tell me
I think some people know that what was said was in the moment and stuff but
those who dont know would be like "what is this?"
I was talking about my own views and such
its not good to spoil others
theres no many who are good at vocaloid?
its hard tho those songs
where did the culture of being able to say sorry become a thing?
im not sure
its not like im super deep into the vtuber hole