1
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:06,865
Keep it going for the next performer,

2
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,601
my man, Mr. Kumail Nanjiani.

3
00:01:12,940 --> 00:01:14,840
Hello.

4
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,609
Um, I'll tell you about myself.

5
00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,611
I grew up in Pakistan.

6
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,314
And people are always
asking me, what was that like?

7
00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:26,852
Really not that different from here.

8
00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:28,553
I mean, we played cricket,

9
00:01:28,555 --> 00:01:31,890
which is just a spicier version of baseball.

10
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,892
And we prayed a lot.

11
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:36,595
Well, not a lot.
Just five times a day.

12
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:39,665
And we marry someone our parents find for us,

13
00:01:39,667 --> 00:01:41,333
arranged marriage, you know?

14
00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,934
But for me, it was probably that we got

15
00:01:42,936 --> 00:01:45,904
episodes of knight rider a little bit later.

16
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:50,042
And by "little bit later,"
I mean we just got episode two.

17
00:01:50,044 --> 00:01:53,378
But other than that, it was exactly the same.

18
00:02:26,814 --> 00:02:30,849
So, these are my real journals, honestly.

19
00:02:30,851 --> 00:02:32,617
And this is the woman who wrote them.

20
00:02:32,619 --> 00:02:34,453
Poor gal.

21
00:02:34,455 --> 00:02:36,722
Yeah.
She-she has no idea that, like,

22
00:02:36,724 --> 00:02:38,757
giant titties are about to sprout

23
00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:41,426
and change her life dramatically.

24
00:02:41,428 --> 00:02:42,994
So, uh, thank you guys...

25
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:45,364
There's no bad crowds, dude, only bad comedians.

26
00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,132
You complain about the crowd, like, all the time.

27
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:48,800
Yeah, like, that's when they're really bad.

28
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,435
That's like 90% of the time they're really bad?

29
00:02:50,437 --> 00:02:51,770
Look, will you just watch

30
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,405
and give me notes tonight, all right?

31
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:54,840
If we both give each other
notes, I think it helps.

32
00:02:54,842 --> 00:02:56,942
Your notes are just, add more fucks into the bit.

33
00:02:56,944 --> 00:02:58,610
- That doesn't help anybody.
- Hey, fuck, fuck's a funny word.

34
00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,611
It's soft on the top and it's hard on the end.

35
00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:00,812
That was truly horrible.

36
00:03:00,814 --> 00:03:02,080
- That was so bad.
- What happened?

37
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:02,080
- Just watch.
- I'll watch. I'll give you notes.

38
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:05,384
- All right. Thank you.
- Hey, that was great.

39
00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,018
No, he didn't even crack a smile.

40
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:08,954
- I thought I was gonna puke. Oh.
- Who?

41
00:03:08,956 --> 00:03:10,489
Bob Dalavan.

42
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:12,157
Who's Bob Dalavan?

43
00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:14,926
Bob Dalavan works for
the Montreal comedy festival,

44
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,628
you fucking doof.

45
00:03:16,630 --> 00:03:18,897
- He's here?
- Yes. Don't you want to get noticed?

46
00:03:18,899 --> 00:03:20,165
- Don't you want to move to L.A.?
- Oh, my God.

47
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:22,634
Hang out with Elijah wood and shit?

48
00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:23,869
Nobody's on stage?

49
00:03:23,871 --> 00:03:25,003
No.

50
00:03:26,406 --> 00:03:28,006
He might've been doing cocaine.

51
00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:30,175
Was he doing cocaine recreationally?

52
00:03:30,177 --> 00:03:31,176
True cokehead.

53
00:03:31,178 --> 00:03:32,511
- Cokehead.
- I wonder if he was.

54
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,814
Now, before I bring out the next guy,

55
00:03:35,816 --> 00:03:39,951
you guys know tonight is jell-o shot Tuesday!

56
00:03:41,722 --> 00:03:44,022
And we all know what happens
after eight jell-o shots.

57
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:47,025
We urinate all over ourselves and... puke.

58
00:03:47,027 --> 00:03:48,927
Okay, so I'm gonna bring up the next comic.

59
00:03:48,929 --> 00:03:50,896
- Confidence. Poise.
- You know this man...

60
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:52,864
- Give it up for Mr. Chris Jones!
- Smile.

61
00:03:54,201 --> 00:03:56,535
- Chris!
- He's like if a serial killer

62
00:03:56,537 --> 00:03:58,770
fucked an inspirational speaker.

63
00:03:58,772 --> 00:04:01,139
He's like Daniel day-Lewis, except he sucks.

64
00:04:01,141 --> 00:04:02,774
I've tried his warm-up.

65
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,810
- It does not work for me.
- So unsettling.

66
00:04:04,812 --> 00:04:06,611
Just bought a laser printer.

67
00:04:06,613 --> 00:04:08,780
Printed out, like, six lasers so far.

68
00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:10,749
- Maybe.
- Hey, Dodd.

69
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:11,983
Uh, Dalavan's in the crowd tonight.

70
00:04:11,985 --> 00:04:13,685
- Can I do ten?
- No, five minutes.

71
00:04:13,687 --> 00:04:14,921
- You know the deal.
- Come on, man.

72
00:04:14,923 --> 00:04:16,521
You put out chairs, you do five minutes.

73
00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:17,889
I'll double it up next time.
Come on.

74
00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,591
What are you gonna do in there?

75
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,726
- I'm making up next week's schedule.
- Okay, cool.

76
00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:23,728
I was in bed with my girlfriend

77
00:04:23,730 --> 00:04:27,098
and I was trying to mansplain
to her that, you know,

78
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:32,504
we-we are on one little rock
orbiting one star in a galaxy

79
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:37,843
of a billion stars in a universe
full of a billion galaxies.

80
00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:39,811
You know, so I forgot your birthday.

81
00:04:39,813 --> 00:04:41,480
Who gives a shit?

82
00:04:41,482 --> 00:04:44,616
Like, you are cosmically overreacting to this.

83
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,085
Honestly, you are being super selfish.

84
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:49,187
You're right, but you're selfish.

85
00:04:52,726 --> 00:04:54,659
Hey.

86
00:04:54,661 --> 00:04:57,796
Have you guys heard of this
drug cocktail called cheese?

87
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,065
Uh, I saw these news reports,
so I looked up what cheese is,

88
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:01,833
and cheese is a mixture.

89
00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:06,571
Cheese is Tylenol pm and heroin.

90
00:05:08,108 --> 00:05:11,076
So, really, it's heroin.

91
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:13,912
Heroin's doing the heavy lifting.

92
00:05:13,914 --> 00:05:16,615
Just do the heroin.
It's very powerful.

93
00:05:16,617 --> 00:05:19,885
You already have heroin.

94
00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:22,053
Is Pakistan in the house?

95
00:05:23,257 --> 00:05:26,658
Really?
You're not from Pakistan.

96
00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:28,693
I would've noticed you.

97
00:05:29,930 --> 00:05:31,997
- Are you kidding me?
- Mm.

98
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:33,265
He just gave you Montreal?

99
00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:34,633
Like, you don't have to showcase

100
00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:35,634
- or audition or anything.
- No.

101
00:05:35,636 --> 00:05:37,536
It was too easy, almost.

102
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:39,804
Like, I wanted to struggle.
I wanted, I wanted a story

103
00:05:39,806 --> 00:05:42,140
to be able to tell on talk
shows, and instead, like...

104
00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:44,776
You guys don't know
how tough it is not to struggle.

105
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:47,312
It's-it's a struggle succeeding effortlessly.

106
00:05:47,314 --> 00:05:49,548
Did he say anything about me?

107
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:51,716
Sure.

108
00:05:51,718 --> 00:05:53,652
- What about me?
- He, they, both of you.

109
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:57,222
He said, "those guys performed."

110
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,557
I truly hate you, actually.

111
00:05:58,559 --> 00:06:00,725
We all hate you.

112
00:06:01,928 --> 00:06:03,828
- Hi.
- Hi.

113
00:06:03,830 --> 00:06:05,330
- Hello.
- Um, my name's Kumail.

114
00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:06,331
Yeah, we know.

115
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,633
Yeah, we saw you perform.

116
00:06:08,635 --> 00:06:10,936
Now that the niceties are out of the way, um,

117
00:06:10,938 --> 00:06:13,605
I have to tell you that when you yelled at me,

118
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:15,073
it really threw me off,

119
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,242
and, uh, you really shouldn't heckle comedians.

120
00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:18,777
It's so rude.

121
00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,845
I didn't heckle you.

122
00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:22,247
I just whoo-hoo'd you.

123
00:06:22,249 --> 00:06:23,815
It's supportive.

124
00:06:23,817 --> 00:06:25,817
- Okay, that's a common misconception.
- Uh-huh.

125
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:28,820
But yelling anything at a
comedian is considered heckling.

126
00:06:28,822 --> 00:06:31,323
Heckling doesn't have to be negative.

127
00:06:31,325 --> 00:06:34,726
So, if I, if I yelled out, like,
"you're amazing in bed!"

128
00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,595
That'd be a heckle?

129
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:39,264
- Yeah. It would be an accurate heckle.
- Cool.

130
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:42,000
Whoa. Bye.

131
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:43,335
- Oh.
- Don't go.

132
00:06:43,337 --> 00:06:44,869
- No, you can...
- I'm going.

133
00:06:44,871 --> 00:06:47,105
You scared my friend off now.

134
00:06:47,107 --> 00:06:48,373
What's your name?

135
00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,675
Emily.

136
00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:55,180
Emily. Here.
I want to show you something, Emily.

137
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:01,319
This is your name in Urdu.

138
00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:03,188
Oh.

139
00:07:05,925 --> 00:07:07,892
Does this move work?

140
00:07:07,894 --> 00:07:10,161
I've had some minor success with it.

141
00:07:10,163 --> 00:07:11,896
Bullshit.

142
00:07:11,898 --> 00:07:15,900
So, you just came to
a comedy show with your friends?

143
00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:18,903
Yeah. We're all grad students
at the university of Chicago.

144
00:07:18,905 --> 00:07:22,073
What are you studying at grad school?

145
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:24,275
I study psychology.
I'm going to be a therapist.

146
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,077
Oh, so you're gonna sit on a couch, and, like,

147
00:07:26,079 --> 00:07:27,912
ask people, like,
"how does that make you feel?"

148
00:07:27,914 --> 00:07:29,247
I mean, eventually, yeah.

149
00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,216
Right now I'm just doing fieldwork

150
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:34,319
with this group of guys who are
convicted of domestic violence.

151
00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:36,154
- Jesus. Oh, wow.
- Cheers to that.

152
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:37,922
No, don't cheers to that.

153
00:07:37,924 --> 00:07:39,257
To you being a therapist.

154
00:07:39,259 --> 00:07:41,760
Great.
To me getting my master's.

155
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:44,029
We'll start there and then
we'll go to the rest of it.

156
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:51,002
So, my roommate, Chris, is probably on the couch.

157
00:07:51,004 --> 00:07:53,171
He's gonna want to try and start a conversation.

158
00:07:53,173 --> 00:07:55,073
So, do not engage.

159
00:07:55,075 --> 00:07:56,307
Okay.

160
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:57,876
Let's go.

161
00:07:59,946 --> 00:08:01,813
- Hey, pal.
- Hey.

162
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,148
Hi.

163
00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:13,224
Good for him. Good for him.

164
00:08:17,196 --> 00:08:18,463
Do you want to watch a movie?

165
00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:19,998
- Sure.
- Okay.

166
00:08:21,701 --> 00:08:24,302
Should I just, like, put my stuff down or...

167
00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:26,037
Yeah, I would say it's safe.
You know what?

168
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:28,740
That area's... go for that area.

169
00:08:28,742 --> 00:08:31,976
I cleaned that earlier this year, so...

170
00:08:31,978 --> 00:08:35,280
Should I take my shoes off
or is this a shoes-on bed?

171
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:37,115
No, it's a shoes-off bed.

172
00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:39,884
- I have... I have strict rules.
- Cool. Cool.

173
00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:41,820
- Oh, wow.
- Ooh.

174
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:46,257
That is totally, uh, an inflated mattress.

175
00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:47,792
Yeah. Well, did you think

176
00:08:47,794 --> 00:08:49,160
it was gonna be a flat, inflatable mattress?

177
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:50,895
I did think it might be

178
00:08:50,897 --> 00:08:53,264
an actual mattress, but you know.

179
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,967
Well, air mattresses are actual mattresses.

180
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,502
You're being bigoted...

181
00:08:57,504 --> 00:08:59,404
- Okay.
- Towards air-based...

182
00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:02,240
- Uh-huh. Towards air-air-based mattresses?
- Comfort items.

183
00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:04,909
Night of the living dead?

184
00:09:04,911 --> 00:09:06,745
Sure, I haven't ever seen that movie.

185
00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:10,815
Okay, so, basically, the dead start rising.

186
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:14,352
- Mm-hmm.
- And the good guys, um...

187
00:09:23,362 --> 00:09:25,430
Text Lauren.

188
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:28,366
You up, girl?

189
00:09:28,368 --> 00:09:30,935
No, fuck, no.

190
00:09:30,937 --> 00:09:32,971
What do you want to say to Warren?

191
00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,240
She...

192
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:37,075
What do you want to say to...

193
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:41,379
You up, period. Send.

194
00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:43,114
That may be beyond my abilities at the moment.

195
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:45,283
Fuck. No.

196
00:09:52,057 --> 00:09:54,225
What are these scars?

197
00:09:55,494 --> 00:09:59,397
Oh, they're, uh, smallpox vaccination.

198
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,399
I thought only old people had those.

199
00:10:01,401 --> 00:10:02,801
Well, I'm from Pakistan,

200
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:04,903
and we're still fighting some battles

201
00:10:04,905 --> 00:10:06,137
you guys have already won.

202
00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,406
What were you like in high school?

203
00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:10,141
Were you, like, super funny?

204
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,409
And were you really smart?

205
00:10:11,411 --> 00:10:12,544
Were you...

206
00:10:12,546 --> 00:10:14,979
I was very shy.

207
00:10:14,981 --> 00:10:17,115
They called me Chashmullee.

208
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,817
What is that?

209
00:10:18,819 --> 00:10:21,386
It roughly translates to "dweeb."

210
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,254
I'll show you a picture.

211
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:24,389
Of you in high school?

212
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:25,957
Oh, my God.

213
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,926
- Boom.
- No.

214
00:10:27,928 --> 00:10:30,295
And I'm thinking I'm killing it right now.

215
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:31,830
What inspired this haircut?

216
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:32,831
Hugh Grant.

217
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:34,232
- No.
- Yeah.

218
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:36,234
- Oh, no.
- Big fan.

219
00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:37,602
And you're so serious, too.

220
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:40,071
Okay.
I read in an interview with Hugh Grant

221
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,974
- he said he doesn't smile.
- No. That's not real.

222
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,076
'Cause it makes his face look fat, so I didn't...

223
00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:46,177
I didn't smile in pictures

224
00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:47,545
for many years.

225
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:49,414
What were you like in high school?

226
00:10:49,416 --> 00:10:51,182
Um...

227
00:10:51,184 --> 00:10:53,017
Were you, like, voted, like...

228
00:10:53,019 --> 00:10:55,019
- Most sexy?
- No.

229
00:10:55,021 --> 00:10:58,156
I was voted most noticeable.

230
00:10:58,158 --> 00:10:59,324
That's good.

231
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,925
No, it's really not good.

232
00:11:00,927 --> 00:11:04,529
I, uh, had acne and I was a goth, and...

233
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:07,332
I had this terrible perm.

234
00:11:07,334 --> 00:11:10,468
Um, yeah, the kids called me Beetlejuice.

235
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:11,936
I don't know why.

236
00:11:11,938 --> 00:11:14,038
Actually, I do know why.

237
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:18,009
It's because they thought
I looked like Beetlejuice.

238
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,477
I think I'm done with this subject.

239
00:11:19,479 --> 00:11:21,079
In fact, I think I'm gonna go home.

240
00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,247
Wait, wait.

241
00:11:22,249 --> 00:11:23,915
We haven't even had sex again yet.

242
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:25,450
Yeah, I'm just not that kind of girl.

243
00:11:25,452 --> 00:11:27,185
I only have sex once on the first date.

244
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:28,620
- Wow.
- Plus a hand job.

245
00:11:28,622 --> 00:11:30,488
Okay, well, I haven't had that, so...

246
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:33,892
You don't get that because you made fun of me.

247
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:35,293
What is happening?
What are you doing?

248
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:36,461
I'm changing under this blanket.

249
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:37,662
I've seen everything.

250
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:40,031
Do you remember?
We were just having sex.

251
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,500
Yeah, but we were, like, in the throes of passion

252
00:11:42,502 --> 00:11:44,569
then, and...

253
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,938
Listen, I had a really nice time.

254
00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,339
Thank you very much.

255
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:51,609
I'm just gonna, like, call an Uber, go home,

256
00:11:51,611 --> 00:11:55,313
and I hope...

257
00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,515
Just...

258
00:11:57,517 --> 00:12:01,653
Your driver will be ready as
soon as he puts on his pants.

259
00:12:01,655 --> 00:12:05,123
Were you available for rides
while we were fucking?

260
00:12:05,125 --> 00:12:07,091
Yeah, but I only looked a couple times.

261
00:12:08,627 --> 00:12:12,297
So, maybe I'll, uh, run
into you at the club sometime

262
00:12:12,299 --> 00:12:16,000
and we can grab a drink?

263
00:12:16,002 --> 00:12:19,037
Um, I'm not...

264
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:22,006
I know this sounds like a line,
but I'm not really, like,

265
00:12:22,008 --> 00:12:24,108
I'm not really dating right now.

266
00:12:24,110 --> 00:12:27,712
I just... I've got a lot
of school and work and...

267
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,547
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- There's just a lot on my plate.

268
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:31,983
Yeah, no, I get it. Totally.

269
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:36,087
That's perfect 'cause I'm not...
Dating right now, either.

270
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,655
- Okay.
- Yeah.

271
00:12:37,657 --> 00:12:40,358
And I actually have a pretty strict two-day rule

272
00:12:40,360 --> 00:12:44,595
where I can't see someone
more than two days in a row.

273
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,231
So, since we hung out for two days,

274
00:12:47,233 --> 00:12:49,300
even if I were to see you again,
which I won't 'cause

275
00:12:49,302 --> 00:12:51,703
you're not dating, I'm not dating,

276
00:12:51,705 --> 00:12:53,571
I wouldn't be able to see you till Monday.

277
00:12:53,573 --> 00:12:55,106
We haven't hung out for two days.

278
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,607
We've hung out for about five hours.

279
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,409
- Yeah, but...
- Just to, like, be totally clear.

280
00:12:58,411 --> 00:13:01,612
Yesterday and today 'cause it's after midnight.

281
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:05,249
So, today is actually tomorrow,
earlier tonight was yesterday,

282
00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:06,417
so two days.

283
00:13:06,419 --> 00:13:08,419
You see, I don't date time nerds,

284
00:13:08,421 --> 00:13:11,556
so that really takes you off the table.

285
00:13:11,558 --> 00:13:13,091
That works out

286
00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:15,493
'cause I-I am
a hard-core time nerd.

287
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:17,562
- Yeah, I can tell.
- I'm, like, very strict

288
00:13:17,564 --> 00:13:20,164
about a.M./p.M. Stuff and...

289
00:13:20,166 --> 00:13:24,569
So, wait, so just to establish,
what did we decide?

290
00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:27,205
We decided we aren't ever
gonna see each other again.

291
00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:28,740
Great.

292
00:13:28,742 --> 00:13:31,442
I'm glad we're on the same page.

293
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:40,151
Look at my jeans, Kumi.

294
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,353
They're from citizens of humanity.

295
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:43,388
- That's the brand's name.
- Oh.

296
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:44,722
They're so soft. Touch them.

297
00:13:44,724 --> 00:13:46,122
I don't want to touch your jeans.

298
00:13:46,124 --> 00:13:46,559
They're like sweatpants, you know.

299
00:13:46,724 --> 00:13:48,537
- Come on, touch them.
- I'll touch them, Abbu.

300
00:13:48,561 --> 00:13:50,495
You should be stylish like your father, you know.

301
00:13:50,497 --> 00:13:52,630
It's not very difficult.
Just observe me.

302
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:54,465
- Get some daddy style.
- Yeah.

303
00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:57,035
Kumi, why don't you grow a beard?

304
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:59,170
- Not like Naveed's, just a small one.
- Yeah.

305
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:01,205
Maybe like mine, small, cool and stylish.

306
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:03,109
You know, why you don't enroll for LSAT now?

307
00:14:03,111 --> 00:14:04,205
Kumi, I've been thinking.

308
00:14:04,811 --> 00:14:08,079
Yeah, sorry, ma, I haven't done it yet.

309
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:09,447
I like that you bring it up

310
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:11,082
as if you've never brought it up before.

311
00:14:11,084 --> 00:14:13,418
How's the stand-up coming, bhai?

312
00:14:16,355 --> 00:14:18,122
It's going fine. Thank you.

313
00:14:18,124 --> 00:14:19,757
Yeah, since when are you someone to stand up?

314
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,325
You know who I think should stand up is Malala.

315
00:14:21,327 --> 00:14:23,494
- She has something to say.
- Malala, yeah.

316
00:14:23,496 --> 00:14:24,762
- Ooh, I love Malala.
- She has something to say. - Malala.

317
00:14:24,764 --> 00:14:27,498
Malala. - She's... - Yes.

318
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:29,233
I know.
She does open mics and she crushes.

319
00:14:29,235 --> 00:14:31,169
A lot of ethnic material,
which I think is a crutch,

320
00:14:31,171 --> 00:14:34,472
and that one story gets a lot of play, but...

321
00:14:34,474 --> 00:14:36,674
- You should be on that show Saturday night live.
- Snl.

322
00:14:36,676 --> 00:14:38,242
That's a great idea.
I should e-mail them.

323
00:14:38,244 --> 00:14:39,310
I don't know why I hadn't thought of that.

324
00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,611
You know, you know, I-I hacked

325
00:14:40,613 --> 00:14:42,246
into your cousin Rehan's Facebook account.

326
00:14:42,248 --> 00:14:43,781
- You hacked into it?
- Oh.

327
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,416
Yeah, they were not accepting my friends request,

328
00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:46,784
- so I had to hack into it,
- Okay.

329
00:14:46,786 --> 00:14:48,753
And I discovered that he and that white woman

330
00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,255
that he's living with are having a baby.

331
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:53,591
- They're married.
- Yeah, whatever.

332
00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,460
And then I hacked into Tumblr
and I discovered that

333
00:14:55,462 --> 00:14:58,162
they have named the baby Da-vé.

334
00:14:58,164 --> 00:15:00,531
- Can you imagine?
- Dave.

335
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:02,500
- Dave? - Dave.
- It's probably Dave.

336
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,268
Oh, oh, D-D-Dave, Dave.

337
00:15:04,270 --> 00:15:06,170
- Nobody's name is Da-vé.
- It's very, very, very sad.

338
00:15:06,172 --> 00:15:08,272
No one is going to visit that baby and that baby,

339
00:15:08,274 --> 00:15:10,341
mark my words, will grow up without a family.

340
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,210
It's like he's dead or worse.

341
00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:14,445
It is very sad. Kumi.

342
00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:17,215
- Go and pray now so then we can eat ice cream. Go.
- What?

343
00:15:17,217 --> 00:15:19,217
- Go. Please, go.
- Yeah, yeah, ma, I just need to finish.

344
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:20,718
Hurry up, bhai. Ice cream.

345
00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,353
And then we'll eat ice cream.

346
00:15:22,355 --> 00:15:23,621
Stop, stop.

347
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:25,423
Janamaz is downstairs. Go.

348
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:27,125
- Go.
- Stop.

349
00:15:27,127 --> 00:15:28,659
What is this?

350
00:15:54,153 --> 00:15:56,187
- I don't know, I think...
- My mother used to make best kulfi.

351
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:57,722
- You-you... your grandmother.
- Oh, yeah?

352
00:15:57,724 --> 00:15:59,223
I think ice cream is better than kulfi.

353
00:15:59,225 --> 00:16:00,591
- Thank you.
- No, no, no.

354
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:04,529
- Oh. I wonder who that could be.
- Yeah.

355
00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:06,764
Let me check. I don't know.

356
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,933
I'm guessing it's a young, single Pakistani woman

357
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:10,868
who just happened to be driving by our house,

358
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:12,303
which is on a cul-de-sac.

359
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,471
- Well...
- And I'm also guessing

360
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:15,506
that the phrase, "dropped in"

361
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:17,275
will be said in the next ten seconds.

362
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:18,709
- Ten.
- Ten. Nine.

363
00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:20,811
- Eight. Seven.
- Eight. Seven.

364
00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:22,446
- Quiet.
- Everyone...

365
00:16:22,448 --> 00:16:24,315
This is Zubeida.

366
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:26,217
- She just dropped in.
- Salaam.

367
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:27,685
Wa alaikum as-salaam.

368
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:29,387
- Come, please. Sit.
- Mm.

369
00:16:31,356 --> 00:16:34,325
Oh, here, Kumail, for your files...

370
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,660
Thank you.

371
00:16:35,662 --> 00:16:37,895
- Your x-files because...
- Thank you.

372
00:16:37,897 --> 00:16:41,265
That's your favorite show, huh?

373
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:42,934
Thank you so much.

374
00:16:42,936 --> 00:16:46,337
"The truth is out there."

375
00:16:48,474 --> 00:16:49,941
- Uh-huh.
- It's from the show.

376
00:16:51,477 --> 00:16:53,711
Thank you.

377
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,346
Thank you. - Bye. - Bye.

378
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:57,415
- Yeah. I hope you come back.
- Bye.

379
00:16:58,918 --> 00:17:02,253
Kumi, there's not just going
to be a magic spark, okay?

380
00:17:02,255 --> 00:17:04,822
You have to work at it.
You have to stay open.

381
00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:06,791
- Okay, ma. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay. Good.

382
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,227
I just wish you were better at it, you know?

383
00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:11,295
I mean, you've had so much
practice and you're still, like,

384
00:17:11,297 --> 00:17:13,531
- you're not that good at it.
- Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

385
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,366
- Very funny.
- Put your a-game with Naveed, but then with me,

386
00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,301
you're kind of just phoning it in a little bit.

387
00:17:17,303 --> 00:17:19,537
Again with the comedy, the comedy,

388
00:17:19,539 --> 00:17:21,739
all the time with the comedy.
Be serious sometimes.

389
00:17:21,741 --> 00:17:23,808
I am serious.
I want to help you get better.

390
00:17:34,353 --> 00:17:36,621
So, are you ever gonna
let me sit in the front seat?

391
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:37,888
No, I'm a professional

392
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,757
and you're paying for this ride.

393
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:42,393
I don't want to pay for this
ride. It's surging right now.

394
00:17:43,796 --> 00:17:46,264
Yeah. Sorry.

395
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,432
You shouldn't have typed in the number.

396
00:17:48,434 --> 00:17:52,637
Okay, the year is 1969.

397
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:55,339
MGM has had a string of failures,

398
00:17:55,341 --> 00:17:59,443
so it turns to its most
bankable star, Vincent price.

399
00:17:59,445 --> 00:18:01,479
Is this your compatibility test?

400
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:05,283
Like the way some people are
with Vonnegut or big Lebowski?

401
00:18:05,285 --> 00:18:07,285
No, just watch the movie and take it seriously

402
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:08,586
- because it's very serious.
- I'm gonna love it.

403
00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:10,521
I love it when men test me on my taste.

404
00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,523
I just want to share this movie with you,

405
00:18:12,525 --> 00:18:14,358
- so I don't know why you're reading into...
- How many...

406
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:17,662
How many women have you showed this movie to?

407
00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:19,697
Zero.

408
00:18:19,699 --> 00:18:21,999
How many women have you
shown a "b" horror movie to

409
00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,934
on, like, a third date?

410
00:18:25,904 --> 00:18:28,739
This is not a "b" horror movie.

411
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,441
Okay, are you ready?

412
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:33,077
Just close your eyes
'cause when the menu comes on,

413
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:34,612
there's some spoilers in the menu.

414
00:18:34,614 --> 00:18:36,314
- Okay?
- I'm ready, I'm ready.

415
00:18:36,316 --> 00:18:37,348
Okay, I'll hit play.

416
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:39,417
Okay, go.

417
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:55,766
Watch.

418
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:57,768
- I'm watching.
- Shh.

419
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,770
Watch this part.

420
00:19:01,640 --> 00:19:03,474
- No.
- What?

421
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,576
- If you're tired, we can watch it later.
- Sorry.

422
00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:08,813
Just have that weird, like,
yawning thing that happens

423
00:19:08,815 --> 00:19:10,881
when you're watching a really boring film.

424
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:15,519
It's not boring.
Just wait for it to kick in.

425
00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:17,054
- The plot kicks in really soon.
- Okay.

426
00:19:17,056 --> 00:19:21,992
Your loss. Nine times nine.

427
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:24,695
Nine killed you.

428
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,564
That was fun.

429
00:19:26,566 --> 00:19:29,500
Uh, thanks for the ride home,
but we got to stop doing this.

430
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:32,670
- Yeah.
- I know I've said that before, but I really do mean it.

431
00:19:32,672 --> 00:19:34,438
I can't be doing this right now.

432
00:19:34,440 --> 00:19:37,708
I know, I know. Totally. 100%.

433
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:39,944
I agree with you.

434
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,846
- So don't call me again.
- I won't.

435
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:43,948
I promise.

436
00:19:43,950 --> 00:19:46,016
Good luck on all your future endeavors.

437
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,718
Oh, yeah, thank you.

438
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:52,022
Hey, can we have an awkward hug
before we part forever?

439
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:54,992
- Okay.
- Okay.

440
00:19:54,994 --> 00:19:56,627
Uh...

441
00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:03,534
- Bye.
- Bye.

442
00:20:16,748 --> 00:20:20,918
Uh, you just promised never
to call me again, so...

443
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,788
It's really cold out here.

444
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:25,656
It's so cold.

445
00:20:25,658 --> 00:20:28,492
You make a pretty good point.

446
00:20:28,494 --> 00:20:30,027
It is a lot warmer in here.

447
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:32,129
It is warmer in here.

448
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:34,765
- You know, it's really nice upstairs.
- Is it?

449
00:20:36,802 --> 00:20:40,004
Whoa. Whoa.

450
00:20:40,006 --> 00:20:42,473
What are you doing? Okay.

451
00:20:42,475 --> 00:20:43,874
Just trying to get comfy.

452
00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:46,844
Oh, let me see.
Who could that be?

453
00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:54,452
Oh, I wonder who that could be.

454
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:02,893
Uncle.

455
00:21:02,895 --> 00:21:05,463
Oh, let me see who is that.

456
00:21:07,666 --> 00:21:09,099
Emily, so, has Kumail told you

457
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:11,035
that in addition to being an Uber driver,

458
00:21:11,037 --> 00:21:13,971
he also has a one-man show?

459
00:21:13,973 --> 00:21:16,006
No, he did not tell me that.

460
00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:17,875
- Do you really?
- Oh, it's really nothing.

461
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:20,077
It's just something I'm fiddling around with.

462
00:21:20,079 --> 00:21:21,712
How is a one-man show different

463
00:21:21,714 --> 00:21:23,514
- from stand-up?
- It's really not.

464
00:21:23,516 --> 00:21:24,982
I guess it's because there's lots of, like,

465
00:21:24,984 --> 00:21:26,817
wigs and costume changes

466
00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:28,719
- and there's a lot of acting in it.
- Mm.

467
00:21:28,721 --> 00:21:31,489
And then, like, at the end of it,

468
00:21:31,491 --> 00:21:33,757
you've got this very awkward
conversation where you go,

469
00:21:33,759 --> 00:21:35,726
"I really liked it."

470
00:21:35,728 --> 00:21:38,596
But I thought you really liked it.

471
00:21:38,598 --> 00:21:40,064
I... really liked it.

472
00:21:40,066 --> 00:21:42,099
I can't wait to see this show.

473
00:21:42,101 --> 00:21:44,099
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, you-you will never see the show

474
00:21:44,101 --> 00:21:45,870
- because it's...
- Oh, you have to see it. - You have to.

475
00:21:45,872 --> 00:21:48,038
- It's not ready. It's not...
- You have to... you will...

476
00:21:48,040 --> 00:21:49,673
- You will love the acting.
- You have got to see it.

477
00:21:49,675 --> 00:21:51,175
They're fucking with you.
It's not really like this.

478
00:21:51,177 --> 00:21:52,611
- It's actually very...
- It seems like they're fucking with you.

479
00:21:52,613 --> 00:21:54,111
- They're fucking with me or with you?
- It's...

480
00:21:54,113 --> 00:21:55,246
- Yeah, no.
- Significant.

481
00:21:57,282 --> 00:22:00,918
I'm 12 years old and this...

482
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,287
This is home.

483
00:22:03,289 --> 00:22:06,290
Feels like I never left.

484
00:22:06,292 --> 00:22:08,592
Do you smell that?

485
00:22:08,594 --> 00:22:11,996
That's my mom cooking the Murgh Rogan Josh.

486
00:22:11,998 --> 00:22:14,665
- Fuck.
- Do you hear that?

487
00:22:14,667 --> 00:22:18,536
That's my father watching cricket on the telly.

488
00:22:18,538 --> 00:22:20,604
Do you feel that?

489
00:22:20,606 --> 00:22:23,607
That's the weight of Pakistan's history.

490
00:22:23,609 --> 00:22:25,676
Pakistan was formed when it separated

491
00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:29,213
from its biggest rival, India,
on August 14, 1947.

492
00:22:29,215 --> 00:22:32,616
Six runs.

493
00:22:32,618 --> 00:22:34,718
Silly mid on. Short mid-wicket.

494
00:22:34,720 --> 00:22:36,654
Mid-wicket. Deep mid-wicket.

495
00:22:36,656 --> 00:22:40,257
Mid on. Long on. Long off.
Bowler. Mid off.

496
00:22:40,259 --> 00:22:42,126
- A googly is when a...
- I have to leave

497
00:22:42,128 --> 00:22:43,727
as soon as the show's over.
I can't stay.

498
00:22:43,729 --> 00:22:44,995
- Okay.
- Okay.

499
00:22:44,997 --> 00:22:46,864
So, if you get a silly mid on fielder,

500
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:50,634
you know you're getting a yorker soon.

501
00:22:50,636 --> 00:22:53,170
So, to review, Pakistan's biggest exports

502
00:22:53,172 --> 00:22:56,674
- are cotton and...
- Concrete.

503
00:22:56,676 --> 00:22:58,175
- Kill me.
- That's right.

504
00:22:58,177 --> 00:23:00,778
Eid Mubarak, that's our Christmas.

505
00:23:00,780 --> 00:23:02,913
Except instead of the traditional Christmas ham,

506
00:23:02,915 --> 00:23:04,682
we serve Mithai,

507
00:23:04,684 --> 00:23:07,618
which my Khansamah, Chris,
will serve to you right now.

508
00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:10,621
Hasami is Urdu for servant.

509
00:23:10,623 --> 00:23:12,089
If you want to make it at home,

510
00:23:12,091 --> 00:23:16,060
the main ingredients are
condensed milk, sugar and love.

511
00:23:16,062 --> 00:23:18,696
At least, that was my mom's recipe.

512
00:23:18,698 --> 00:23:20,297
Hey, you look like
a children's toy from Malaysia.

513
00:23:20,299 --> 00:23:21,699
Now would you all please rise

514
00:23:21,701 --> 00:23:23,067
for the Pakistani national anthem?

515
00:23:33,112 --> 00:23:35,879
Hey.

516
00:23:35,881 --> 00:23:37,181
Hey. So, what'd you think?

517
00:23:37,183 --> 00:23:39,350
- Um, I thought it was great.
- Yeah?

518
00:23:39,352 --> 00:23:40,918
I never knew that Pakistan

519
00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:43,754
had the world's largest irrigation system.

520
00:23:43,756 --> 00:23:46,724
Yeah, something like 14 million
hectares are being irrigated.

521
00:23:46,726 --> 00:23:48,192
Like, as soon as I read that I was like,

522
00:23:48,194 --> 00:23:50,260
- oh, that's going in the show.
- Totally.

523
00:23:50,262 --> 00:23:51,929
Hi, Emily. - Hey. - Hi, guys.

524
00:23:51,931 --> 00:23:54,365
Hey. Dude, that was...
You were in the zone, man.

525
00:23:54,367 --> 00:23:56,133
That was, that was the best one we've seen.

526
00:23:56,135 --> 00:24:00,971
Yeah, that was so honest and good.

527
00:24:00,973 --> 00:24:02,640
And you know what I realized halfway through?

528
00:24:02,642 --> 00:24:05,209
- You're from Pakistan.
- Yes.

529
00:24:05,211 --> 00:24:06,910
- Cool, good to see you, Emily.
- Yes. Okay, bye, guys.

530
00:24:06,912 --> 00:24:08,812
- Great. Bye, guys.
- Keep up the...

531
00:24:08,814 --> 00:24:10,047
They seemed to like it.

532
00:24:10,049 --> 00:24:11,749
They're so nice.

533
00:24:11,751 --> 00:24:13,717
So, really, what'd you think?

534
00:24:13,719 --> 00:24:15,719
Like, it's a work in progress.

535
00:24:15,721 --> 00:24:19,089
I really liked it.
I learned a lot about Pakistan

536
00:24:19,091 --> 00:24:22,026
and cricket, all those positions.

537
00:24:22,028 --> 00:24:24,428
But I just wish that I had
learned more about you.

538
00:24:24,430 --> 00:24:27,398
- Does that make any sense?
- Yeah.

539
00:24:48,787 --> 00:24:49,853
Hey.

540
00:24:49,855 --> 00:24:51,188
Oh, hi.

541
00:24:52,323 --> 00:24:54,291
It's 3:00 A.M.

542
00:24:54,293 --> 00:24:58,028
Is that, uh, diner around the corner open?

543
00:24:58,030 --> 00:25:00,030
It's 24 hours.

544
00:25:00,032 --> 00:25:03,133
Why, you want an old lemon meringue pie?

545
00:25:03,135 --> 00:25:04,935
You're so funny.

546
00:25:04,937 --> 00:25:08,439
No, actually, um, I just, I really need to, um,

547
00:25:08,441 --> 00:25:10,307
get a cup of coffee.

548
00:25:10,309 --> 00:25:13,143
I can make you coffee.

549
00:25:13,145 --> 00:25:16,113
I love diner coffee.
I just love that burnt taste.

550
00:25:16,115 --> 00:25:18,415
- All right, I'll come with you.
- No, no, no, no, no.

551
00:25:18,417 --> 00:25:21,151
- No, why would you do that?
- It's a bad neighborhood.

552
00:25:21,153 --> 00:25:22,319
I'm not gonna let you go on your own.

553
00:25:22,321 --> 00:25:23,754
Why? 'Cause I'm a woman?

554
00:25:23,756 --> 00:25:24,855
- Okay.
- Seriously, that's the most

555
00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:26,457
misogynous thing I've ever heard.

556
00:25:26,459 --> 00:25:28,425
- Why are you being so weird?
- Fuck you. I'm not being weird.

557
00:25:28,427 --> 00:25:29,993
- You're being so weird right now.
- You're being weird.

558
00:25:29,995 --> 00:25:31,795
- You're being so weird.
- How am I weird?

559
00:25:31,797 --> 00:25:34,098
- I want to sleep while it's sleep time.
- This is normal.

560
00:25:34,100 --> 00:25:35,432
Girls go to get coffee
in the middle of the night.

561
00:25:35,434 --> 00:25:36,967
Have you never had a girlfriend before?

562
00:25:36,969 --> 00:25:38,936
- This is what it's like.
- Are you okay?

563
00:25:38,938 --> 00:25:40,738
Everything is not okay.
Everything is not good.

564
00:25:40,740 --> 00:25:43,373
Hey, hey, hey. You could tell me
anything, you know that, right?

565
00:25:43,375 --> 00:25:44,508
You could tell me anything.

566
00:25:44,510 --> 00:25:47,511
I have to take a shit, okay?!

567
00:25:49,314 --> 00:25:52,216
I have to take a huge, fucking Dookie.

568
00:25:52,218 --> 00:25:54,184
I can't poo in your bathroom

569
00:25:54,186 --> 00:25:55,753
because you don't have any matches

570
00:25:55,755 --> 00:25:57,087
and you don't have any air freshener.

571
00:25:57,089 --> 00:25:58,388
What kind of person doesn't have any matches

572
00:25:58,390 --> 00:25:59,490
or air freshener in the bathroom?!

573
00:25:59,492 --> 00:26:01,959
The walls are so thin

574
00:26:01,961 --> 00:26:03,327
and Chris is right out there.

575
00:26:03,329 --> 00:26:05,362
Please, stop laughing.
Please, please, please.

576
00:26:05,364 --> 00:26:07,898
Okay. I have an idea.

577
00:26:17,375 --> 00:26:20,844
Hey. How are you?

578
00:26:20,846 --> 00:26:24,348
I do not want to talk about it.

579
00:26:29,087 --> 00:26:31,021
Watch and learn, bhai.

580
00:26:31,023 --> 00:26:33,957
It's all about shifting
the weight and the torque.

581
00:26:33,959 --> 00:26:35,392
Ooh, Christ.

582
00:26:35,394 --> 00:26:39,163
Oh. Okay.

583
00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:45,269
Hey, you're like a Pakistani Sammy Sosa.

584
00:26:45,271 --> 00:26:46,870
There you go, honey.
Yeah. That's it.

585
00:26:46,872 --> 00:26:48,071
He's pretty good.

586
00:26:48,073 --> 00:26:50,073
Just do what he's doing.

587
00:26:50,075 --> 00:26:51,809
Okay, great.

588
00:26:51,811 --> 00:26:53,477
Mine.

589
00:26:53,479 --> 00:26:55,879
- Come on, man, just let me...
- Mine.

590
00:26:55,881 --> 00:26:57,549
- Wh-why do you get the Chana?
- You go on that... no.

591
00:26:57,551 --> 00:26:58,949
Mine, mine, mine, thank you.

592
00:26:58,951 --> 00:27:02,152
Mmm. This cookie's really good.

593
00:27:02,154 --> 00:27:03,954
They're biscuits.
Listen to yourself.

594
00:27:03,956 --> 00:27:05,255
You hardly sound Pakistani.

595
00:27:05,257 --> 00:27:06,957
Cookies.

596
00:27:06,959 --> 00:27:09,426
Sound like Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

597
00:27:09,428 --> 00:27:11,195
Such a burger.

598
00:27:11,197 --> 00:27:12,429
- I'm not a burger.
- Yes, you're a burger.

599
00:27:12,431 --> 00:27:13,530
- I'm not a burger.
- You're a big, fat burger.

600
00:27:13,532 --> 00:27:15,399
And biscuit is actually a British term.

601
00:27:15,401 --> 00:27:16,600
Oh, thank you for all the information

602
00:27:16,602 --> 00:27:17,800
I don't give a shit about.

603
00:27:17,802 --> 00:27:19,570
And you should listen to mom and grow a beard.

604
00:27:19,572 --> 00:27:22,072
Gets really itchy. I've tried.

605
00:27:22,074 --> 00:27:23,372
- It's all patchy.
- Oh, is it itchy?

606
00:27:23,374 --> 00:27:25,008
- I know I sound like a baby.
- Well, try being a man,

607
00:27:25,010 --> 00:27:27,277
and conditioning like I do.

608
00:27:27,279 --> 00:27:29,179
What's the whole thing with
Muslims growing beards, anyway?

609
00:27:29,181 --> 00:27:30,514
It's such an arbitrary thing, right?

610
00:27:30,516 --> 00:27:32,616
Like, who decided that,
oh, we have to have beards.

611
00:27:32,618 --> 00:27:35,118
Oh. But you'll do...
So, there's a billion of us

612
00:27:35,120 --> 00:27:38,288
and you're the only one
with the truth. Is that right?

613
00:27:38,290 --> 00:27:40,524
So, the sun is just shining
down on you right now.

614
00:27:40,526 --> 00:27:41,526
It's just parting.

615
00:27:45,496 --> 00:27:50,367
You know, I have to tell you something, bhai.

616
00:27:50,369 --> 00:27:53,971
Here we go. Yeah.

617
00:27:53,973 --> 00:27:55,939
I've been dating this girl.

618
00:27:55,941 --> 00:27:57,507
Sure.

619
00:27:57,509 --> 00:27:59,443
- She's white.
- Oh.

620
00:27:59,445 --> 00:28:01,478
I thought you were gonna say you
were involved in a hit-and-run

621
00:28:01,480 --> 00:28:03,280
or you got caught forging some checks,

622
00:28:03,282 --> 00:28:05,282
but a white girl?!

623
00:28:05,284 --> 00:28:06,984
I mean, that's such a cliché.

624
00:28:06,986 --> 00:28:08,185
It's okay, and we hate terrorists.

625
00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:10,587
- It's...
- Just... sorry.

626
00:28:10,631 --> 00:28:11,890
Listen, I understand.

627
00:28:11,891 --> 00:28:15,058
You're in America,
and you want to mow a few lawns

628
00:28:15,060 --> 00:28:16,360
and see what it's like,

629
00:28:16,362 --> 00:28:19,930
but eventually you have
to marry a Pakistani girl.

630
00:28:19,932 --> 00:28:24,034
Like... like, I hung out with other girls,

631
00:28:24,036 --> 00:28:25,569
but then I married Fatima.

632
00:28:25,571 --> 00:28:27,504
And we hardly spoke two words to each other

633
00:28:27,506 --> 00:28:28,804
in the first few months,

634
00:28:28,806 --> 00:28:31,475
but now, Kumi, she's like my best friend.

635
00:28:31,477 --> 00:28:35,212
- I know.
- You have to break up with her immediately.

636
00:28:35,214 --> 00:28:39,249
If I find someone who's as good
for me as Fatima is for you,

637
00:28:39,251 --> 00:28:41,251
mom would understand, right?

638
00:28:41,253 --> 00:28:43,687
I mean, she-she wouldn't love me less.

639
00:28:43,689 --> 00:28:45,522
Oh, she'd definitely love you less.

640
00:28:45,524 --> 00:28:47,324
Slowly, it'd sort of...

641
00:28:47,326 --> 00:28:50,460
What's the word when guys
stop returning girl's calls?

642
00:28:50,462 --> 00:28:52,162
- Ghosting?
- Yes.

643
00:28:52,164 --> 00:28:55,232
You have to end it now
or mom will fucking ghost you.

644
00:28:55,234 --> 00:29:01,171
Now, come on. Batting.

645
00:29:06,244 --> 00:29:09,246
I am getting, like, a lot of bright fruit.

646
00:29:09,248 --> 00:29:11,481
- I'd say it's very fruit forward.
- Mm-hmm.

647
00:29:11,483 --> 00:29:13,550
It tastes like grape juice that's gone bad.

648
00:29:13,552 --> 00:29:14,985
- Like...
- Yeah.

649
00:29:14,987 --> 00:29:16,353
Why do you know so much about wine?

650
00:29:16,355 --> 00:29:19,523
Um, because,

651
00:29:19,525 --> 00:29:21,959
uh...

652
00:29:21,961 --> 00:29:25,329
I was pretty unhappy in my first marriage,

653
00:29:25,331 --> 00:29:27,497
and I drank a lot,

654
00:29:27,499 --> 00:29:29,733
and, uh, one way to cover
drinking a lot is to just,

655
00:29:29,735 --> 00:29:31,601
- like, know a lot about wine.
- Wait. I'm sorry.

656
00:29:31,603 --> 00:29:33,872
That knowing a lot about wine
covers for drinking a lot.

657
00:29:33,874 --> 00:29:35,472
What did you just say?

658
00:29:35,474 --> 00:29:37,541
Uh, no, I mean the huge piece of information

659
00:29:37,543 --> 00:29:40,177
- that you're trying to just blow right past.
- Yeah.

660
00:29:40,179 --> 00:29:41,745
Yeah, I was married.

661
00:29:41,747 --> 00:29:43,213
- You were married?
- Um... I was.

662
00:29:43,215 --> 00:29:44,748
I was married.

663
00:29:44,750 --> 00:29:48,185
Do you want to talk about something else or...?

664
00:29:48,187 --> 00:29:49,987
- Yeah, 'cause I don't really have any questions...
- No.

665
00:29:49,989 --> 00:29:52,189
...other than, when did you get married?

666
00:29:52,191 --> 00:29:53,256
When did you get divorced?

667
00:29:53,258 --> 00:29:55,125
What's his name? How tall is he?

668
00:29:55,127 --> 00:29:56,393
Did you love him?

669
00:29:56,395 --> 00:29:57,728
I guess I have a couple questions.

670
00:29:57,730 --> 00:29:59,529
Uh-huh.

671
00:29:59,531 --> 00:30:04,001
Um, his name was, is Ryan.

672
00:30:04,003 --> 00:30:06,036
We met in college.

673
00:30:06,038 --> 00:30:10,173
Everyone I knew was getting
married super young, so...

674
00:30:10,175 --> 00:30:15,145
We did, and, um, one day I was at a restaurant,

675
00:30:15,147 --> 00:30:18,615
and I saw this couple making out.

676
00:30:18,617 --> 00:30:23,053
And I thought,
"huh. I don't think

677
00:30:23,055 --> 00:30:24,287
"about my husband like that.

678
00:30:24,289 --> 00:30:26,089
But that's okay."

679
00:30:26,091 --> 00:30:28,191
And then another part of my brain was like,

680
00:30:28,193 --> 00:30:29,426
"no, that's not okay.

681
00:30:29,428 --> 00:30:31,728
This is your life."

682
00:30:31,730 --> 00:30:33,363
I feel like this is freaking you out.

683
00:30:33,365 --> 00:30:34,364
Is this freaking you out?

684
00:30:34,366 --> 00:30:35,599
It's not freaking me out.

685
00:30:36,768 --> 00:30:39,636
I don't want to put pressure on you.

686
00:30:39,638 --> 00:30:42,739
And I know it's only been a few months,

687
00:30:42,741 --> 00:30:46,410
but I just wanted to tell you, I...

688
00:30:46,412 --> 00:30:49,813
Am overwhelmed by you.

689
00:30:49,815 --> 00:30:53,150
It's the last thing I was expecting.

690
00:30:55,186 --> 00:30:59,289
This was also the last thing I was expecting.

691
00:30:59,291 --> 00:31:03,060
And I also feel completely overwhelmed by you.

692
00:31:05,096 --> 00:31:07,230
- That's a weird thing to say.
- Why?

693
00:31:07,232 --> 00:31:09,666
I just said what you said, exactly what you said.

694
00:31:09,668 --> 00:31:12,235
Yeah, it wasn't weird when I said it.

695
00:31:13,404 --> 00:31:14,838
No...

696
00:31:14,840 --> 00:31:17,674
It's okay.

697
00:31:25,383 --> 00:31:29,286
So, listen, my parents are going
to be in town this weekend.

698
00:31:29,288 --> 00:31:30,720
- Oh, that's great.
- Will you maybe want to come

699
00:31:30,722 --> 00:31:33,523
and meet them for lunch?

700
00:31:33,525 --> 00:31:36,560
Oh, we can't 'cause of the two-day rule, right?

701
00:31:36,562 --> 00:31:39,362
Well, you'll come to Mary's
party Friday night, right?

702
00:31:39,364 --> 00:31:40,697
And then we'll probably spend the night,

703
00:31:40,699 --> 00:31:43,633
so I won't be able to see you till Monday, so...

704
00:31:43,635 --> 00:31:47,571
Okay.
Well, I would love to meet your parents.

705
00:31:47,573 --> 00:31:49,473
They live in the city, right?

706
00:31:49,475 --> 00:31:54,377
Well, they live in the suburbs,
and, uh, you know,

707
00:31:54,379 --> 00:31:56,113
I don't really see them very much.

708
00:31:56,115 --> 00:31:57,547
Have they asked about me?

709
00:31:57,549 --> 00:31:58,347
What do they think?

710
00:31:58,349 --> 00:32:00,717
- Oh, um...
- Do they, do they want to meet me?

711
00:32:00,719 --> 00:32:02,587
Of course, of course.
They're dying to meet you.

712
00:32:02,589 --> 00:32:03,787
My parents want to meet you.

713
00:32:03,789 --> 00:32:06,656
- Ow. Oh, my God.
- Whoa, you okay?

714
00:32:06,658 --> 00:32:08,625
- Yep.
- What happened?

715
00:32:08,627 --> 00:32:09,726
- Do you...
- Totally fine.

716
00:32:09,728 --> 00:32:10,827
Do you need...

717
00:32:10,829 --> 00:32:12,362
No, I think I just tweaked my ankle.

718
00:32:12,364 --> 00:32:14,967
I took this stupid hip-hop
dance class last weekend.

719
00:32:14,969 --> 00:32:16,867
Assistance?

720
00:32:16,869 --> 00:32:18,468
You should get it looked at.
Do you want ice?

721
00:32:18,470 --> 00:32:20,237
- I don't need anything.
- I can get you a bag of ice.

722
00:32:20,239 --> 00:32:21,705
Look, I'm walking on it.
I'm totally fine.

723
00:32:21,707 --> 00:32:23,473
- I can carry you.
- Kumail, seriously, stop.

724
00:32:23,475 --> 00:32:25,275
- I can carry you the rest of the day.
- Stop.

725
00:32:28,579 --> 00:32:31,548
Hey, I liked your friends.

726
00:32:31,550 --> 00:32:33,750
That Craig guy?

727
00:32:33,752 --> 00:32:35,485
Or was it Greg?

728
00:32:35,487 --> 00:32:37,454
You know, I can never tell with those names.

729
00:32:37,456 --> 00:32:40,423
I'm glad I like him 'cause
I don't want have to, like,

730
00:32:40,425 --> 00:32:42,592
come up with excuses to avoid him, you know?

731
00:32:42,594 --> 00:32:44,561
Like... like, "oh, no."

732
00:32:44,563 --> 00:32:47,297
I have kite-surfing tonight."

733
00:32:47,299 --> 00:32:51,201
You know, in the U.K.,
Craig is pronounced Crayg...

734
00:32:51,203 --> 00:32:53,937
Which is good 'cause that's
how it's written, right?

735
00:32:53,939 --> 00:32:58,775
Anyway, he's a great guy.

736
00:32:58,777 --> 00:33:02,312
I was gonna tell you about that.

737
00:33:02,314 --> 00:33:05,215
Are you judging Pakistan's
next top model or something?

738
00:33:05,217 --> 00:33:07,551
No.

739
00:33:07,553 --> 00:33:09,719
- Seriously, who are these women?
- Okay, um...

740
00:33:09,721 --> 00:33:11,888
You know how we have arranged
marriage in my culture?

741
00:33:13,391 --> 00:33:16,226
These are those women.

742
00:33:16,228 --> 00:33:18,728
These are women in Pakistan
who want to marry you?

743
00:33:18,730 --> 00:33:20,430
They're not in Pakistan.

744
00:33:20,432 --> 00:33:22,465
You've met these women?

745
00:33:22,467 --> 00:33:24,868
Just with my parents and stuff,
but we-we haven't, like...

746
00:33:24,870 --> 00:33:27,737
But you're not serious about this, are you?

747
00:33:27,739 --> 00:33:30,941
It's my mom's thing.
I just go along with it.

748
00:33:30,943 --> 00:33:34,544
So, what does your mom
think about you and me then?

749
00:33:36,547 --> 00:33:39,249
She doesn't know about me, does she?

750
00:33:40,451 --> 00:33:42,285
No.

751
00:33:50,462 --> 00:33:51,895
- Emily, just, can you... just...
- Fuck!

752
00:33:51,897 --> 00:33:52,996
Five fucking months of red flags.

753
00:33:52,998 --> 00:33:56,299
Oh, my God, I'm so stupid.

754
00:33:56,301 --> 00:33:58,501
You ducking my parents.

755
00:33:58,503 --> 00:34:00,770
Oh, my God, the two-day rule.

756
00:34:00,772 --> 00:34:01,938
- No, that had nothing to do with it.
- Seriously.

757
00:34:01,940 --> 00:34:03,673
Red flag after red flag.

758
00:34:04,875 --> 00:34:06,843
You're such a liar.

759
00:34:06,845 --> 00:34:07,844
You lied to me.

760
00:34:07,846 --> 00:34:09,479
You lied to your parents.

761
00:34:09,481 --> 00:34:11,815
And those are just the people you like.

762
00:34:11,817 --> 00:34:14,284
Is there someone that you're not lying to?

763
00:34:14,286 --> 00:34:16,386
I'd love to meet them because
then I could tell them

764
00:34:16,388 --> 00:34:17,921
- what a fucking liar you are!
- You know what?

765
00:34:17,923 --> 00:34:19,623
You didn't tell me about
your divorce until recently.

766
00:34:19,625 --> 00:34:22,325
So, you were hiding fucking something, too.

767
00:34:22,327 --> 00:34:25,962
My divorce does not mean
that our future is impossible.

768
00:34:25,964 --> 00:34:27,864
It actually means the direct opposite.

769
00:34:27,866 --> 00:34:30,300
I'm not hiding anything from you.
Okay?

770
00:34:30,302 --> 00:34:31,835
I'm an open fucking book.

771
00:34:31,837 --> 00:34:33,870
You want to know what's in my cigar box?

772
00:34:33,872 --> 00:34:37,274
Stickers. Stickers and stamps.

773
00:34:37,276 --> 00:34:39,376
Aren't you a therapist?
Aren't you supposed to be good

774
00:34:39,378 --> 00:34:41,911
- at handling this kind of...
- Where are my fucking shoes?!

775
00:34:41,913 --> 00:34:43,511
Aren't you, supposed to be, like,

776
00:34:43,513 --> 00:34:45,782
able to deal with this better
than you are right now?

777
00:34:45,784 --> 00:34:47,784
I am expressing myself!

778
00:34:50,421 --> 00:34:53,290
You know what we call arranged
marriage in Pakistan, Emily?

779
00:34:53,292 --> 00:34:54,658
Marriage.

780
00:34:54,660 --> 00:34:56,960
Okay? We just call it marriage.

781
00:34:56,962 --> 00:34:58,328
There's another type of marriage.

782
00:34:58,330 --> 00:34:59,729
It's called love marriage and that's bad.

783
00:34:59,731 --> 00:35:00,930
My cousin, Rehan, married an Irish woman

784
00:35:00,932 --> 00:35:02,766
and he was kicked out of the family.

785
00:35:02,768 --> 00:35:05,902
Nobody is allowed to talk to him.

786
00:35:05,904 --> 00:35:07,771
Why didn't you tell me any of this?

787
00:35:07,773 --> 00:35:09,072
Because I didn't think you'd fucking understand,

788
00:35:09,074 --> 00:35:10,607
and I was fucking right.

789
00:35:10,609 --> 00:35:12,609
You don't think that I could fathom your life

790
00:35:12,611 --> 00:35:14,010
- in any fucking way?
- Oh, you think you could understand me?

791
00:35:14,012 --> 00:35:15,945
I'm fighting a 1,400-year-old culture.

792
00:35:15,947 --> 00:35:17,847
You were ugly in high school.

793
00:35:17,849 --> 00:35:20,717
There's a big fucking difference.

794
00:35:20,719 --> 00:35:23,420
I'm sorry.

795
00:35:26,457 --> 00:35:29,592
I can't lose my family.

796
00:35:33,464 --> 00:35:37,934
Can you imagine a world in w...

797
00:35:37,936 --> 00:35:40,937
In which we end up together?

798
00:35:43,941 --> 00:35:46,476
I don't know.

799
00:35:50,649 --> 00:35:52,415
I have to go.

800
00:35:52,417 --> 00:35:54,884
Don't fucking call me.

801
00:35:58,724 --> 00:36:01,624
Multigrain, pumpernickel,

802
00:36:01,626 --> 00:36:06,529
pita bread, hot dog bun, croutons.

803
00:36:06,531 --> 00:36:09,666
I can't eat any of it.

804
00:36:09,668 --> 00:36:11,368
I don't want kids.

805
00:36:11,370 --> 00:36:15,038
People say, "Sam...
You're gonna love it."

806
00:36:15,040 --> 00:36:16,072
"This kid, you're gonna have a kid,

807
00:36:16,074 --> 00:36:18,141
he's gonna be your best friend."

808
00:36:18,143 --> 00:36:21,811
A best friend that-that pukes
on you and shits everywhere

809
00:36:21,813 --> 00:36:23,079
and is constantly screaming.

810
00:36:23,081 --> 00:36:25,749
I already have friends like that.

811
00:36:25,751 --> 00:36:27,050
People say, "Sam..."

812
00:36:27,052 --> 00:36:29,452
I know you're bummed, all right, but, like...

813
00:36:29,454 --> 00:36:30,453
Emily's a good person.

814
00:36:30,455 --> 00:36:31,888
I'm not saying she's not.

815
00:36:31,890 --> 00:36:33,990
All I'm saying is this
is the universe telling you

816
00:36:33,992 --> 00:36:36,860
seize your moment, be a little
selfish and pursue your career.

817
00:36:36,862 --> 00:36:39,062
Bob Dalavan's gonna be here on Thursday.

818
00:36:39,064 --> 00:36:40,430
If you get the Montreal comedy festival,

819
00:36:40,432 --> 00:36:42,132
it would change things for you.

820
00:36:42,134 --> 00:36:43,867
You don't want to get stuck in Chicago, right?

821
00:36:43,869 --> 00:36:45,835
You don't want to end up like Sam Highsmith,

822
00:36:45,837 --> 00:36:49,005
who's been doing the
"people say Sam" bits since '03.

823
00:36:49,007 --> 00:36:50,807
I don't like kids.

824
00:36:50,809 --> 00:36:52,041
- People say, "Sam..."
- See?

825
00:36:52,043 --> 00:36:54,045
- Is that, is that what you want for your life?
- It's amazing.

826
00:36:54,047 --> 00:36:55,645
- Is that what you want?
- It's like...

827
00:36:55,647 --> 00:36:57,580
And it's the same material.

828
00:36:57,582 --> 00:36:58,882
- What do people say?
- Sam.

829
00:36:58,884 --> 00:37:00,750
- People say what?
- Sam.

830
00:37:00,752 --> 00:37:02,619
I'm Sam Highsmith.
Thank you very much.

831
00:37:02,621 --> 00:37:03,987
- You know what, I'm gonna tell him.
- He's a hack.

832
00:37:03,989 --> 00:37:05,455
I'm gonna tell him how I actually feel about him.

833
00:37:05,457 --> 00:37:06,524
- I'm gonna tell him.
- It's fucking bullshit.

834
00:37:06,526 --> 00:37:07,824
- Fucking tell him.
- Never writes anything new.

835
00:37:07,826 --> 00:37:09,159
- Great set, dude.
- I'm feeling it, bro.

836
00:37:09,161 --> 00:37:11,127
- Crushing. - Killing me, man.
- Love the new stuff.

837
00:37:11,129 --> 00:37:13,663
We should be ashamed of ourselves.

838
00:37:13,665 --> 00:37:14,964
We're weak. We're weak.

839
00:37:14,966 --> 00:37:17,734
I wouldn't call it an obsession,

840
00:37:17,736 --> 00:37:19,135
but I'm pretty good at magic.

841
00:37:19,137 --> 00:37:20,670
What? - Yeah. - Magic?

842
00:37:20,672 --> 00:37:22,806
Can you make his belly disappear?

843
00:37:22,808 --> 00:37:25,006
Come on.
I'm too happy with my belly.

844
00:37:25,008 --> 00:37:26,109
Oh.

845
00:37:26,111 --> 00:37:28,178
Does anyone have a dollar?

846
00:37:28,180 --> 00:37:30,113
- I will give you something.
- Okay.

847
00:37:30,115 --> 00:37:32,816
20? Big spender.

848
00:37:32,818 --> 00:37:34,517
All right. Andrew Jackson.

849
00:37:34,519 --> 00:37:39,155
Don't you think he would look
cool with a pair of sunglasses?

850
00:37:39,157 --> 00:37:42,158
Yeah, I really...

851
00:37:42,160 --> 00:37:46,095
- Okay. Mm.
- Okay.

852
00:37:46,097 --> 00:37:47,931
- Oh, he's... okay.
- Right.

853
00:37:47,933 --> 00:37:51,000
- Okay, stylish.
- Mm-hmm. Yes.

854
00:37:51,002 --> 00:37:52,735
Okay.

855
00:37:52,737 --> 00:37:54,204
And now we sprinkle the magic dust on.

856
00:37:54,206 --> 00:37:56,172
Yeah, yeah, you can't do it

857
00:37:56,174 --> 00:37:58,041
- without the magic dust. Yeah.
- No, yeah, I need it.

858
00:37:58,043 --> 00:38:00,109
All right.

859
00:38:00,111 --> 00:38:01,244
Abracadabra.

860
00:38:01,246 --> 00:38:03,847
Okay. Watching carefully.

861
00:38:03,849 --> 00:38:05,048
Mm-hmm.

862
00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:07,951
Oh!

863
00:38:08,127 --> 00:38:09,086
That is amazing.

864
00:38:09,087 --> 00:38:12,088
And he does look better with glasses.

865
00:38:12,090 --> 00:38:13,890
- Right?
- Yes.

866
00:38:13,892 --> 00:38:14,990
How did you do that?

867
00:38:14,992 --> 00:38:16,759
Oh, no, a magician never reveals her tricks.

868
00:38:16,761 --> 00:38:18,995
Here's your 20 back, Mr. Nanjiani.

869
00:38:18,997 --> 00:38:21,164
Do you think I can use this
$20 bill now to buy something?

870
00:38:21,166 --> 00:38:22,932
It look better now, right?

871
00:38:27,805 --> 00:38:29,839
I was watching this monster movie with my friend.

872
00:38:29,841 --> 00:38:31,941
And he turned to me, and he was like,

873
00:38:31,943 --> 00:38:34,611
"what would you do in that situation?"

874
00:38:34,613 --> 00:38:37,146
I'm never gonna be one of the last guys alive.

875
00:38:37,148 --> 00:38:39,549
I'm gonna be the first guy to die.

876
00:38:39,551 --> 00:38:42,085
I die so the other characters get to find out

877
00:38:42,087 --> 00:38:44,153
that something weird's going on.

878
00:38:44,155 --> 00:38:46,823
I go off alone to find the cat.

879
00:38:48,660 --> 00:38:52,262
I never even find out that there were monsters.

880
00:38:52,264 --> 00:38:55,798
To me, the plot of the movie was
we're at a research facility

881
00:38:55,800 --> 00:38:57,267
and the cat's missing!

882
00:38:57,269 --> 00:38:59,269
The end.

883
00:38:59,271 --> 00:39:02,605
Denise, this...

884
00:39:02,607 --> 00:39:04,274
Is your name in Urdu.

885
00:39:04,276 --> 00:39:06,643
Wow, that is so cool.

886
00:39:06,645 --> 00:39:08,711
Kumail?

887
00:39:08,713 --> 00:39:10,013
Hey.

888
00:39:10,015 --> 00:39:11,614
- Hey, Bob Dalavan.
- Yeah.

889
00:39:11,616 --> 00:39:12,882
I know you.

890
00:39:12,884 --> 00:39:15,818
Some very interesting premises in your...

891
00:39:15,820 --> 00:39:17,554
Set tonight.

892
00:39:17,556 --> 00:39:19,556
- Oh, thanks.
- Yeah. I just wanted you to know.

893
00:39:19,558 --> 00:39:21,891
I'm about to take off.
But you made it to the finals

894
00:39:21,893 --> 00:39:24,027
- for the Montreal showcase.
- Oh, my God.

895
00:39:24,029 --> 00:39:24,961
Thank you.

896
00:39:24,963 --> 00:39:26,162
- You, too, Mary.
- Oh!

897
00:39:26,164 --> 00:39:27,830
- Okay.
- Okay.

898
00:39:27,832 --> 00:39:29,632
So we'll see you guys up there.

899
00:39:29,634 --> 00:39:30,967
- Yeah. - Yes.
- We'll be in touch.

900
00:39:30,969 --> 00:39:32,168
Well, what about c-dog?

901
00:39:32,170 --> 00:39:34,037
Who's that?

902
00:39:34,039 --> 00:39:36,039
Uh, me. What about me?

903
00:39:36,041 --> 00:39:38,041
Oh, you know what?

904
00:39:38,043 --> 00:39:40,710
Funny stuff, okay?

905
00:39:43,948 --> 00:39:46,215
I'll walk you out.

906
00:39:47,217 --> 00:39:49,218
Hey,

907
00:39:49,220 --> 00:39:51,588
do you want to go somewhere?

908
00:39:51,590 --> 00:39:53,590
Yeah, let's go somewhere.

909
00:40:11,208 --> 00:40:12,742
Hello?

910
00:40:12,744 --> 00:40:15,144
Kumail, it's Jessie.

911
00:40:15,146 --> 00:40:17,146
Hey. Who?

912
00:40:17,148 --> 00:40:19,282
Jessie.
I'm in school with Emily.

913
00:40:19,284 --> 00:40:20,817
Listen, Emily's in the hospital.

914
00:40:20,819 --> 00:40:22,285
She has a really bad flu or something.

915
00:40:22,287 --> 00:40:23,686
What?

916
00:40:23,688 --> 00:40:25,355
Could you just go, please?

917
00:40:25,357 --> 00:40:27,690
We need someone there.
We have exams tomorrow,

918
00:40:27,692 --> 00:40:29,359
so nobody else can go.

919
00:40:29,361 --> 00:40:30,960
She's still in the E.R.

920
00:40:30,962 --> 00:40:32,362
Could you just go and sit with her

921
00:40:32,364 --> 00:40:33,896
and then drive her home, please?

922
00:40:33,898 --> 00:40:35,231
I was there for as long as I could,

923
00:40:35,233 --> 00:40:37,233
but I had to leave.

924
00:40:50,047 --> 00:40:52,715
Hi. I'm looking for Emily Gardner.

925
00:40:52,717 --> 00:40:57,020
Um... Emily Gardner.
She was checked in...

926
00:41:26,250 --> 00:41:28,384
Hey.

927
00:41:28,386 --> 00:41:30,687
What are you doing here?

928
00:41:30,689 --> 00:41:34,457
Um, Jessie called me, and wanted me to make sure

929
00:41:34,459 --> 00:41:36,993
you were okay.

930
00:41:38,896 --> 00:41:40,697
- So how are you doing?
- Fine.

931
00:41:40,699 --> 00:41:42,398
I'm totally fine.
Never been better.

932
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:44,300
A thousand percent fine.

933
00:41:44,302 --> 00:41:46,903
Just, like, fainted a little at work.

934
00:41:46,905 --> 00:41:50,106
Didn't have breakfast this morning.

935
00:41:50,108 --> 00:41:53,376
Breakfast... the most important
meal of the day. You know that.

936
00:41:53,378 --> 00:41:56,145
Ms. Gardner, your room

937
00:41:56,147 --> 00:41:58,214
- will be ready soon, okay?
- Oh, no, no, actually,

938
00:41:58,216 --> 00:42:01,084
- I would just love to go home and sleep in my own bed.
- Sir,

939
00:42:01,086 --> 00:42:03,286
can you step outside for a moment, please?

940
00:42:03,288 --> 00:42:05,054
If you want to stay, you have to go

941
00:42:05,056 --> 00:42:06,989
- to the security desk and get a pass.
- All right.

942
00:42:06,991 --> 00:42:08,725
Where is the security desk?

943
00:42:08,727 --> 00:42:10,793
It's downstairs...

944
00:42:10,795 --> 00:42:13,262
Exactly where you walked in at the security desk.

945
00:42:13,264 --> 00:42:17,366
The security desk is
at the security desk. Got it.

946
00:42:17,368 --> 00:42:19,836
Can I get you something?

947
00:42:19,838 --> 00:42:23,272
Water? Juice? Coffee?

948
00:42:25,809 --> 00:42:28,010
May I speak with you for a second?

949
00:42:28,012 --> 00:42:30,446
I'll be right back.

950
00:42:33,218 --> 00:42:35,318
There's a massive infection in her lungs,

951
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,053
and all her vitals are elevated.

952
00:42:37,055 --> 00:42:38,821
Does she have HIV?

953
00:42:38,823 --> 00:42:40,523
What? No. I mean, she...

954
00:42:40,525 --> 00:42:42,959
- Are you her husband?
- No.

955
00:42:42,961 --> 00:42:44,293
Oh, we need to intubate her immediately.

956
00:42:44,295 --> 00:42:46,095
I need a family member to sign this, so

957
00:42:46,097 --> 00:42:48,798
I'm gonna ask you again...
Are you her husband?

958
00:42:48,800 --> 00:42:50,967
- What does, uh, "intubate" mean?
- We have to put her

959
00:42:50,969 --> 00:42:52,401
on a respirator, and to do that,

960
00:42:52,403 --> 00:42:55,238
we need to put her in a medically-induced coma.

961
00:42:55,240 --> 00:42:57,473
- Coma?
- Yes.

962
00:42:57,475 --> 00:42:59,542
To stabilize her so we can work on the infection.

963
00:42:59,544 --> 00:43:01,844
And it needs to happen right now.

964
00:43:01,846 --> 00:43:04,347
So, I'm gonna ask you one last time...

965
00:43:04,349 --> 00:43:07,450
Are you her husband?

966
00:43:13,524 --> 00:43:15,158
What's going on?

967
00:43:15,160 --> 00:43:18,227
- What's going on?
- You're gonna be okay.

968
00:43:18,229 --> 00:43:20,029
- Just relax and...
- Where are you taking me?

969
00:43:31,408 --> 00:43:33,943
You should call her family.

970
00:43:58,202 --> 00:44:00,469
Sorry.

971
00:44:18,089 --> 00:44:21,524
Hey, Ms. Gardner, um,
this is Kumail, Emily's friend.

972
00:44:21,526 --> 00:44:23,526
Uh, sorry to call you so late.

973
00:44:23,528 --> 00:44:25,494
Um, Emily's... Emily's fine.

974
00:44:25,496 --> 00:44:28,130
Just want to get that taken care of.
She's fine.

975
00:44:28,132 --> 00:44:31,000
Um, she is at city view hospital in Chicago

976
00:44:31,002 --> 00:44:34,904
in a medically-induced coma,
but the doctors say that all...

977
00:44:36,874 --> 00:44:39,508
Yes, I did say "coma."

978
00:45:26,623 --> 00:45:29,525
Hey. I'm Kumail.

979
00:45:31,595 --> 00:45:34,597
- We know who you are, Kumail.
- Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,

980
00:45:34,599 --> 00:45:37,633
the doctors would like to see you now.

981
00:45:37,635 --> 00:45:40,937
I'll be right back.

982
00:45:50,415 --> 00:45:52,081
Uh, listen,

983
00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:53,616
the doctor will be here any minute.

984
00:45:53,618 --> 00:45:56,085
She's just running a little late.

985
00:45:56,087 --> 00:45:58,521
Don't read anything into
this being the bereavement room.

986
00:45:58,523 --> 00:46:00,723
It's the only room we had available.

987
00:46:00,725 --> 00:46:03,292
- Okay. Thank you. Okay.
- Okay.

988
00:46:14,171 --> 00:46:16,005
- Terry, Terry, I-I-I-I...
- It's...

989
00:46:16,007 --> 00:46:18,140
- It's-it's driving me insane.
- Yes, I know, I know,

990
00:46:18,142 --> 00:46:20,076
but it makes me feel better.

991
00:46:20,078 --> 00:46:22,011
I just...

992
00:46:22,013 --> 00:46:25,314
Hello. No. Please sit.
Please sit.

993
00:46:25,316 --> 00:46:28,484
I'm Dr. Cunningham, Emily's attending.

994
00:46:28,486 --> 00:46:30,586
I'll be coordinating all the doctors

995
00:46:30,588 --> 00:46:32,555
and orchestrating her treatment strategy.

996
00:46:32,557 --> 00:46:34,056
All the doctors?

997
00:46:34,058 --> 00:46:36,258
- How many are there?
- Five.

998
00:46:36,260 --> 00:46:38,627
- Five? Why so many? I mean, is that... is that normal?
- Yes.

999
00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:40,229
It's standard for patients in the ICU.

1000
00:46:40,231 --> 00:46:42,164
We come at it from many angles, we confer...

1001
00:46:42,166 --> 00:46:43,532
We're assessing her.
We immediately

1002
00:46:43,534 --> 00:46:45,735
initiated orotracheal intubation.
Thankfully,

1003
00:46:45,737 --> 00:46:48,204
- it hasn't affected her heart at this point.
- We don't know

1004
00:46:48,206 --> 00:46:50,241
but we got her on a broad
spectrum of antibiotics.

1005
00:46:50,243 --> 00:46:52,341
The exact nature of the infection yet,

1006
00:46:52,343 --> 00:46:53,744
centering around the costodiaphragmatic recess.

1007
00:46:53,746 --> 00:46:55,144
The right lung is battling critical infection.

1008
00:46:55,146 --> 00:46:56,379
Our theory is methicillin-resistant

1009
00:46:56,381 --> 00:46:57,780
staphylococcus aureus.

1010
00:46:57,782 --> 00:47:00,249
- Staphyl... hold on. That's a "p"...
- Yeah.

1011
00:47:00,251 --> 00:47:02,618
- That's an "f" or a Ph"?
- Ph. No. It's staphylococcus...

1012
00:47:12,629 --> 00:47:17,133
That was very reassuring, wasn't it?

1013
00:47:17,135 --> 00:47:20,703
Apparently, there are good and bad comas,

1014
00:47:20,705 --> 00:47:23,372
and the kind that they put her in...

1015
00:47:23,374 --> 00:47:25,374
The medically-induced coma...
Are definitely, like,

1016
00:47:25,376 --> 00:47:27,676
the good kind of coma.

1017
00:47:32,215 --> 00:47:36,152
Like... you know how
there are good and bad carbs?

1018
00:47:41,258 --> 00:47:43,292
Gremlins...
Those can be good or bad.

1019
00:47:43,294 --> 00:47:44,693
Listen, Kumail...

1020
00:47:44,695 --> 00:47:47,363
Uh...

1021
00:47:47,365 --> 00:47:50,166
We're gonna handle things from here, okay?

1022
00:47:50,168 --> 00:47:51,834
You've been very helpful.

1023
00:47:51,836 --> 00:47:54,070
Thank you for...
For signing the thing, and...

1024
00:47:54,072 --> 00:47:56,639
Yeah, my pleasure.

1025
00:47:56,641 --> 00:47:58,374
But, uh, you can go now.

1026
00:47:58,376 --> 00:48:00,676
- Okay. Um...
- All right?

1027
00:48:00,678 --> 00:48:03,212
All right.

1028
00:48:04,381 --> 00:48:06,782
Peace in the Mideast.

1029
00:48:12,690 --> 00:48:15,091
What about this?
I saw a sniffer dog

1030
00:48:15,093 --> 00:48:17,226
at the airport. He had a boner.

1031
00:48:17,228 --> 00:48:19,495
Does that mean drugs or bombs?

1032
00:48:19,497 --> 00:48:21,697
That's good. What if...
What if instead

1033
00:48:21,699 --> 00:48:23,666
of it being at the airport,

1034
00:48:23,668 --> 00:48:26,435
- you quit comedy, and never do comedy ever again?
- Yeah.

1035
00:48:26,437 --> 00:48:29,238
Fuck you! It's a good bit.
That's a funny bit.

1036
00:48:29,240 --> 00:48:30,739
Just for the sake of the public
that they wouldn't have to

1037
00:48:30,741 --> 00:48:32,308
look at your face or hear your words.
That's...

1038
00:48:32,310 --> 00:48:35,811
Hey, it's okay that I'm not there, right?

1039
00:48:35,813 --> 00:48:38,714
Like... I don't need to be there, right?

1040
00:48:38,716 --> 00:48:41,350
What's up? What happened?

1041
00:48:41,352 --> 00:48:43,486
- He put his girlfriend in a coma. Yeah.
- Yeah.

1042
00:48:43,488 --> 00:48:45,287
You know, the-the way you do.

1043
00:48:45,289 --> 00:48:46,856
- She's not my girlfriend.
- He didn't, but he signed

1044
00:48:46,858 --> 00:48:48,724
a paper that allowed doctors to put...

1045
00:48:48,726 --> 00:48:50,526
He... he suggested it.

1046
00:48:50,528 --> 00:48:52,228
She's gonna be fine.

1047
00:48:52,230 --> 00:48:53,863
She's gonna be fine. They said
she's gonna be fine, so

1048
00:48:53,865 --> 00:48:56,699
- they're gonna be fine. Doctors know medical stuff.
- You...

1049
00:48:56,701 --> 00:48:58,667
- Mm-hmm.
- That's what doctors do.

1050
00:48:58,669 --> 00:49:00,169
They're good at medical stuff.

1051
00:49:00,171 --> 00:49:01,470
This is a medically-induced coma.

1052
00:49:01,472 --> 00:49:03,205
This is their specialty.

1053
00:49:03,207 --> 00:49:04,807
You know, it might be a good thing.

1054
00:49:04,809 --> 00:49:07,209
Like, she might wake up with a new skill.

1055
00:49:07,211 --> 00:49:09,178
Like, my cousin, uh, blacked out once, and then,

1056
00:49:09,180 --> 00:49:11,447
when he came to, he thought
he knew a different language.

1057
00:49:11,449 --> 00:49:13,549
- Did he?
- No. Apparently, it was...

1058
00:49:13,551 --> 00:49:15,351
It was just gibberish that he made up.

1059
00:49:15,353 --> 00:49:17,319
It was brain damage.

1060
00:49:18,822 --> 00:49:21,557
I got another taco bell one.

1061
00:49:36,873 --> 00:49:39,642
Did you forget something?

1062
00:49:39,644 --> 00:49:42,278
- Is she up yet?
- No, she's not.

1063
00:49:42,280 --> 00:49:44,813
And, uh, they won't tell us anything.

1064
00:49:44,815 --> 00:49:47,249
We've been here all morning.

1065
00:49:47,251 --> 00:49:50,252
I know you guys said that
you don't need me to stay,

1066
00:49:50,254 --> 00:49:52,288
but I think I'm just gonna wait anyway.

1067
00:49:52,290 --> 00:49:53,722
You guys broke up.

1068
00:49:53,724 --> 00:49:58,394
I'm not sure why you're here.

1069
00:49:58,396 --> 00:50:00,429
You-you don't have to worry

1070
00:50:00,431 --> 00:50:02,364
about being committed to anything, Kumail.

1071
00:50:02,366 --> 00:50:03,832
You didn't want to when she was awake.

1072
00:50:03,834 --> 00:50:06,835
There's no need to do it when she's unconscious.

1073
00:50:06,837 --> 00:50:09,672
- It's more complicated than that.
- Is it?

1074
00:50:09,674 --> 00:50:11,574
'Cause I know about the two-day rule.

1075
00:50:11,576 --> 00:50:13,943
I know about the head shots and the secrets.

1076
00:50:13,945 --> 00:50:15,945
She tells us everything.

1077
00:50:15,947 --> 00:50:19,248
You really don't have to stay, Kumail.

1078
00:50:19,250 --> 00:50:21,684
- You have already done...
- A lot.

1079
00:50:22,919 --> 00:50:27,389
I'm just gonna stay for a second.

1080
00:50:27,391 --> 00:50:30,793
Is this seat...? Okay.

1081
00:50:46,710 --> 00:50:49,878
Is... is that lady still looking at me?

1082
00:50:53,484 --> 00:50:55,718
Oh. Hey.

1083
00:51:01,726 --> 00:51:04,360
Mr. Cuevas, please see Dr. Toscado.

1084
00:51:04,362 --> 00:51:06,996
Mr. Cuevas, please see Dr. Toscado.

1085
00:51:06,998 --> 00:51:08,530
Yeah.

1086
00:51:08,532 --> 00:51:11,667
Yeah, come on.
There's no reason, uh...

1087
00:51:11,669 --> 00:51:14,303
Should eat there by yourself, right, hon?

1088
00:51:14,305 --> 00:51:15,838
It's a free country.

1089
00:51:21,978 --> 00:51:23,912
How's your sandwich?

1090
00:51:23,914 --> 00:51:26,482
Best fucking sandwich I ever had.

1091
00:51:27,684 --> 00:51:30,286
Mine's good.

1092
00:51:30,288 --> 00:51:33,622
Tuna's always a gamble, but,

1093
00:51:33,624 --> 00:51:35,391
you know, we're not by the water.

1094
00:51:35,393 --> 00:51:36,859
Well, we are by the water.

1095
00:51:36,861 --> 00:51:38,494
But it's a lake.

1096
00:51:38,496 --> 00:51:42,031
There's no tuna in the lake.

1097
00:51:42,033 --> 00:51:43,732
Whatever.

1098
00:51:43,734 --> 00:51:45,701
I-I threw the dice.

1099
00:51:45,703 --> 00:51:48,637
I got the...

1100
00:51:48,639 --> 00:51:49,838
Sevens, I guess.

1101
00:51:49,840 --> 00:51:51,373
Whatever... whatever the good dice number is.

1102
00:51:51,375 --> 00:51:54,743
So, uh...

1103
00:51:54,745 --> 00:51:56,545
9/11.

1104
00:51:58,014 --> 00:52:00,516
No, I mean...

1105
00:52:00,518 --> 00:52:04,486
I've always wanted to have
a conversation with... about it.

1106
00:52:04,488 --> 00:52:09,425
With... people.

1107
00:52:09,427 --> 00:52:11,727
You've never talked to people about 9/11?

1108
00:52:11,729 --> 00:52:12,861
No, what's your...

1109
00:52:12,863 --> 00:52:15,631
What's your stance?

1110
00:52:15,633 --> 00:52:18,534
What's my stance on 9/11?

1111
00:52:18,536 --> 00:52:21,637
Oh, um...

1112
00:52:21,639 --> 00:52:25,441
Anti. It was a tragedy.

1113
00:52:25,443 --> 00:52:26,942
I mean,

1114
00:52:26,944 --> 00:52:28,644
we lost 19 of our best guys.

1115
00:52:28,646 --> 00:52:30,612
Huh?

1116
00:52:31,815 --> 00:52:34,350
That was a joke. Obviously.

1117
00:52:34,352 --> 00:52:36,985
9/11 was a terrible tragedy,

1118
00:52:36,987 --> 00:52:39,621
and it's not funny to joke about it.

1119
00:52:39,623 --> 00:52:41,357
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,

1120
00:52:41,359 --> 00:52:44,093
please report to the ICU.

1121
00:52:44,095 --> 00:52:46,095
Mr. and Mrs. Gardner,

1122
00:52:46,097 --> 00:52:48,464
- all right. Come on.
- To the ICU. Thank you.

1123
00:52:48,466 --> 00:52:49,732
Hey, can I come?

1124
00:52:49,734 --> 00:52:51,767
- No.
- Yeah.

1125
00:52:51,769 --> 00:52:53,736
Yeah.

1126
00:52:53,738 --> 00:52:55,437
Whatever.

1127
00:52:55,439 --> 00:52:57,406
Hello, come in.

1128
00:52:57,408 --> 00:52:59,541
Please, have a seat.

1129
00:53:04,414 --> 00:53:07,716
I know this isn't the news you were hoping for,

1130
00:53:07,718 --> 00:53:09,718
but we aren't ready to bring
Emily out of the coma yet.

1131
00:53:09,720 --> 00:53:10,953
Oh.

1132
00:53:10,955 --> 00:53:13,155
Why? Uh, what happened?

1133
00:53:13,157 --> 00:53:14,990
The antibiotics aren't doing
what we'd hoped they would,

1134
00:53:14,992 --> 00:53:16,592
and we don't want to mess around,

1135
00:53:16,594 --> 00:53:18,694
so tomorrow morning, we're gonna perform surgery

1136
00:53:18,696 --> 00:53:19,928
to remove the infection.

1137
00:53:19,930 --> 00:53:22,000
Dr. Spellman told us
that the antibiotics would work.

1138
00:53:22,002 --> 00:53:24,700
- Oh, wait one second.
- Oh.

1139
00:53:24,702 --> 00:53:27,136
- Yeah.
- I mean, he didn't say anything at all about surgery.

1140
00:53:27,138 --> 00:53:29,671
So what... what does that mean?
Surgery? What kind of surgery?

1141
00:53:29,673 --> 00:53:31,874
It's called thoracentesis.
It's a very common procedure.

1142
00:53:31,876 --> 00:53:34,910
We're gonna go in between the
ribs and remove the infection.

1143
00:53:34,912 --> 00:53:36,812
How do you spell that, please?

1144
00:53:36,814 --> 00:53:38,180
And what is it? What's the name?
What's the last part?

1145
00:53:38,182 --> 00:53:39,480
- Thora...
- And the infection I-is...

1146
00:53:39,482 --> 00:53:40,780
- On the lung.
- "Thora" what? "Thora" what?

1147
00:53:40,782 --> 00:53:42,751
- What is it?
- And we're going to remove it.

1148
00:53:42,753 --> 00:53:44,186
Thoracentesis. C-e-n-t-e-s-i-s.

1149
00:53:44,188 --> 00:53:46,054
- And what's the risk?
- It's a common thing

1150
00:53:46,056 --> 00:53:47,556
- that they do?
- Low. Yes.

1151
00:53:47,558 --> 00:53:49,024
My advice to you

1152
00:53:49,026 --> 00:53:52,461
is that you go home, you get something to eat

1153
00:53:52,463 --> 00:53:56,064
and try to relax.

1154
00:54:21,558 --> 00:54:23,592
She left the lights on, huh?

1155
00:54:24,794 --> 00:54:27,963
My favorite sweater.

1156
00:54:30,900 --> 00:54:33,735
I'm gonna do some research.

1157
00:54:33,737 --> 00:54:34,903
Oh, hey.

1158
00:54:34,905 --> 00:54:37,806
- Huh, that's the book I gave her.
- No,

1159
00:54:37,808 --> 00:54:39,975
I gave her that one. Hey,
do you have that little notebook

1160
00:54:39,977 --> 00:54:42,644
from the doctor's?

1161
00:54:42,646 --> 00:54:44,613
- This is the book I gave her.
- Uh...

1162
00:54:44,615 --> 00:54:46,048
I'm just gonna clean up Emily's room real quick.

1163
00:54:46,050 --> 00:54:47,483
No, I-I remember.

1164
00:54:47,485 --> 00:54:49,184
I met her at the Falafel place,

1165
00:54:49,186 --> 00:54:50,786
and then we went to that bookstore

1166
00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:53,121
that's hardly ever open, and I bought it for her.

1167
00:54:53,123 --> 00:54:55,224
You're not the only one who gives her things.

1168
00:54:55,226 --> 00:54:57,493
- What's up with you?
- I'm just tired of you thinking

1169
00:54:57,495 --> 00:54:58,994
you're the only one who gives her things.

1170
00:54:58,996 --> 00:55:00,195
I-I gave her that book.

1171
00:55:00,197 --> 00:55:01,630
Look at the inscription.

1172
00:55:01,632 --> 00:55:04,066
No. No, that's stupid.

1173
00:55:35,565 --> 00:55:37,199
- Hey, uh, Kumail.
- Hey.

1174
00:55:37,201 --> 00:55:39,001
Oh. Hey. Sorry.

1175
00:55:39,003 --> 00:55:40,536
Didn't mean to surprise you.

1176
00:55:40,538 --> 00:55:42,704
I was just wondering, are we gonna do anything?

1177
00:55:42,706 --> 00:55:45,173
- You got any parlor games?
- I-I don't...

1178
00:55:45,175 --> 00:55:46,942
What are parlor games?

1179
00:55:46,944 --> 00:55:49,077
Card games. Word games.

1180
00:55:49,079 --> 00:55:50,879
Play any word games?

1181
00:55:50,881 --> 00:55:53,048
- Um, no, I've never...
- You ever play

1182
00:55:53,050 --> 00:55:54,249
you can't rhyme it?

1183
00:55:54,251 --> 00:55:55,918
How does that go?

1184
00:55:55,920 --> 00:55:57,286
It's... eh, basically, you know,

1185
00:55:57,288 --> 00:55:59,688
you try to find out a word...
A real word...

1186
00:55:59,690 --> 00:56:01,924
- That nobody can rhyme.
- Okay.

1187
00:56:01,926 --> 00:56:03,692
- And then...
- Stonehenge.

1188
00:56:04,894 --> 00:56:06,628
Yeah, see, you would win.

1189
00:56:06,630 --> 00:56:09,765
- Ah. Hmm.
- Yeah. That'd be a winner.

1190
00:56:09,767 --> 00:56:11,633
I don't play board games.
I play, like...

1191
00:56:11,635 --> 00:56:13,702
- I play video games.
- That's the thing.

1192
00:56:13,704 --> 00:56:15,270
Everybody now needs, like, you know, a Nintendo.

1193
00:56:15,272 --> 00:56:18,006
A game thing. The thing.
Electronics. $1,000.

1194
00:56:18,008 --> 00:56:20,709
When I was a kid, piece of chalk and a pavement,

1195
00:56:20,711 --> 00:56:22,110
and that's your entertainment.

1196
00:56:22,112 --> 00:56:24,046
Hopscotch. Tic-tac-toe.

1197
00:56:24,048 --> 00:56:25,714
Throw the chalk at Jimmy.

1198
00:56:25,716 --> 00:56:27,883
There you go.
Three games right there.

1199
00:56:27,885 --> 00:56:29,585
Jimmy was a real guy?

1200
00:56:29,587 --> 00:56:31,320
Yeah, well, I mean,
there was no particular Jimmy.

1201
00:56:31,322 --> 00:56:32,921
You know, whoever got hit with the chalk...

1202
00:56:32,923 --> 00:56:34,189
he was the Jimmy.

1203
00:56:34,191 --> 00:56:35,190
Uh...

1204
00:56:35,192 --> 00:56:37,059
I'm just trying

1205
00:56:37,061 --> 00:56:38,961
- to figure out, you know, what to do.
- Yeah.

1206
00:56:38,963 --> 00:56:40,629
I-I... tonight's no good for me.

1207
00:56:40,631 --> 00:56:42,230
I'd love to, but, um...

1208
00:56:42,232 --> 00:56:44,299
I'm actually, uh...

1209
00:56:44,301 --> 00:56:46,301
I'm actually gigging tonight,

1210
00:56:46,303 --> 00:56:48,070
which is, like, an industry word we use

1211
00:56:48,072 --> 00:56:50,339
for when we do, like, shows and stuff, so...

1212
00:56:50,341 --> 00:56:52,140
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

1213
00:56:52,142 --> 00:56:54,910
There's a big Montreal comedy
festival audition coming up,

1214
00:56:54,912 --> 00:56:57,180
- I'm actually headlining tonight, so, yeah.
- Oh, wow.

1215
00:56:57,182 --> 00:56:58,680
And, um...

1216
00:56:58,682 --> 00:56:59,780
- I should... I should...
- Hey.

1217
00:56:59,782 --> 00:57:02,250
- Run on out.
- Wow, that's cool. I haven't been to a comedy club

1218
00:57:02,252 --> 00:57:05,087
since... oh, boy.
Since the '80s, right?

1219
00:57:05,089 --> 00:57:07,322
Rita Rudner over at Caroline's.
Remember that, hon?

1220
00:57:07,324 --> 00:57:08,824
Christ. I...

1221
00:57:08,826 --> 00:57:10,759
A pleural effusion of the...

1222
00:57:10,761 --> 00:57:12,127
Empyema.

1223
00:57:12,129 --> 00:57:13,427
Maybe we should go, huh?

1224
00:57:13,529 --> 00:57:15,664
Maybe we should go to Kumail's
show. What do you think?

1225
00:57:15,666 --> 00:57:17,332
- Wouldn't that be fun?
- Oh, my God!

1226
00:57:17,334 --> 00:57:20,302
- These pictures are horrible.
- Okay, listen,

1227
00:57:20,304 --> 00:57:22,270
why don't we go to the comedy club with him?

1228
00:57:22,272 --> 00:57:23,639
And this... it'll take our mind

1229
00:57:23,641 --> 00:57:24,973
- off of things right now.
- I don't want

1230
00:57:24,975 --> 00:57:26,742
- to take my mind off it, Terry.
- What...

1231
00:57:26,744 --> 00:57:28,210
Our daughter's having surgery tomorrow.

1232
00:57:28,212 --> 00:57:29,745
Please.

1233
00:57:29,747 --> 00:57:31,313
- That's a fair point.
- Please, please listen.

1234
00:57:31,315 --> 00:57:33,649
I need the distraction.

1235
00:57:33,651 --> 00:57:35,117
- Well, then, why don't you go.
- No.

1236
00:57:35,119 --> 00:57:36,652
I want you to come with me.

1237
00:57:36,654 --> 00:57:38,954
I don't want to go alone.

1238
00:57:38,956 --> 00:57:41,056
Okay.

1239
00:57:41,058 --> 00:57:42,357
But I'm bringing my iPad.

1240
00:57:42,359 --> 00:57:44,059
Ah, it's sold out.

1241
00:57:44,061 --> 00:57:45,761
I should have said it

1242
00:57:45,763 --> 00:57:48,664
before you guys had the whole discussion.

1243
00:57:48,666 --> 00:57:49,931
It sold out, like, super quickly.

1244
00:57:49,933 --> 00:57:51,700
They were shocked at how quickly it sold out.

1245
00:57:51,702 --> 00:57:53,068
Like...

1246
00:57:53,070 --> 00:57:55,003
You can get us in.

1247
00:57:55,005 --> 00:57:56,803
You're the headliner, right?
That's what you said.

1248
00:57:56,805 --> 00:57:58,874
I mean, if you're the headliner,
you can get two more in, right?

1249
00:57:58,876 --> 00:58:01,043
- That's a good point.
- Yeah.

1250
00:58:01,045 --> 00:58:03,278
We'll sit in the back, right?
We'll sit in the back.

1251
00:58:03,280 --> 00:58:05,113
They have food there?

1252
00:58:05,115 --> 00:58:08,016
Yeah, they've got waffle fries and, um...

1253
00:58:08,018 --> 00:58:10,986
Yeah.

1254
00:58:10,988 --> 00:58:13,922
- The hospital had the waffle fries, too.
- Right.

1255
00:58:15,959 --> 00:58:18,293
I... I actually have never been to Pakistan.

1256
00:58:18,295 --> 00:58:20,296
For grad school, and then they just stayed here.

1257
00:58:20,298 --> 00:58:21,296
My parents moved here

1258
00:58:21,298 --> 00:58:23,865
I've never even been to Canada.

1259
00:58:26,704 --> 00:58:29,771
- So, um, when is Kumail coming?
- He's coming.

1260
00:58:29,773 --> 00:58:30,872
Right, Naveed?

1261
00:58:30,874 --> 00:58:32,708
- Ah. Huh.
- Traffic.

1262
00:58:32,710 --> 00:58:35,010
I heard there's, uh,
bumper-to-bumper traffic

1263
00:58:35,012 --> 00:58:36,378
on the Dan Ryan expressway.

1264
00:58:36,380 --> 00:58:38,046
- That's weird, because...
- You know, rush hour.

1265
00:58:38,048 --> 00:58:41,016
I took the Dan Ryan expressway here.

1266
00:58:43,820 --> 00:58:46,421
What is your dad's sister's

1267
00:58:46,423 --> 00:58:49,725
favorite kind of music to dance to?

1268
00:58:49,727 --> 00:58:51,760
- Emily's parents are here.
- Aunts, aunts, aunts, aunts.

1269
00:58:51,762 --> 00:58:53,795
- Tonight? Why?
- Get it? 'Cause it's "aunt."

1270
00:58:53,797 --> 00:58:54,895
It's "aunts." It's "aunts."

1271
00:58:54,897 --> 00:58:56,765
- All right, forget it.
- All right.

1272
00:58:56,767 --> 00:58:58,900
Uh, is anybody here from out of town?

1273
00:59:00,137 --> 00:59:01,837
All right, a few, a few.

1274
00:59:01,839 --> 00:59:03,472
Wh-what's your name, sir?

1275
00:59:03,474 --> 00:59:06,108
- M... uh, Terry.
- Terry. And, uh, who's this lovely lady

1276
00:59:06,110 --> 00:59:08,276
- next to you?
- Oh, my God. That's Emily's dad.

1277
00:59:08,278 --> 00:59:10,779
Is that cloth?
Little Terry cloth?

1278
00:59:10,781 --> 00:59:12,948
It's Beth.

1279
00:59:12,950 --> 00:59:14,349
Beth. That's pretty close.

1280
00:59:14,351 --> 00:59:16,118
- Why would he do this?
- Terry Beth,

1281
00:59:16,120 --> 00:59:18,388
- We're from north Carolina.
- Ooh.

1282
00:59:18,390 --> 00:59:19,488
Where you guys from?

1283
00:59:19,490 --> 00:59:21,356
North Carolina.

1284
00:59:21,358 --> 00:59:23,560
- Stop. Stop it. - Oh.
- Home of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

1285
00:59:23,562 --> 00:59:24,760
Tar heel state.

1286
00:59:24,762 --> 00:59:26,294
What brings you to Chicago?

1287
00:59:26,296 --> 00:59:28,830
Our daughter's in a coma.

1288
00:59:34,971 --> 00:59:37,773
Yeah, uh, how...
What, uh, where are you from?

1289
00:59:38,975 --> 00:59:41,176
Okay, it's getting late.

1290
00:59:41,178 --> 00:59:43,044
- I should go.
- No, no, no.

1291
00:59:43,046 --> 00:59:44,479
- Betho, Betho. He will be here.
- Hold on, hold on.

1292
00:59:44,481 --> 00:59:46,381
I think I should call him up.
I'll just call him up.

1293
00:59:46,383 --> 00:59:48,083
Hello? Kum-beta?

1294
00:59:48,085 --> 00:59:49,851
What do you mean, who's calling?

1295
00:59:49,853 --> 00:59:51,453
This is your father.

1296
00:59:51,455 --> 00:59:53,355
Okay, okay, okay.

1297
00:59:53,357 --> 00:59:54,790
He will be here any moment.

1298
00:59:54,792 --> 00:59:57,530
Naveed. I just faked that call.
Did you call him?

1299
00:59:57,575 --> 00:59:59,615
A hundred times. No response.

1300
01:00:00,797 --> 01:00:02,597
I-I think I should make something clear.
Um...

1301
01:00:03,200 --> 01:00:05,410
I can understand what you're saying.

1302
01:00:06,700 --> 01:00:09,410
I thought you said you'd never been to Pakistan.

1303
01:00:10,283 --> 01:00:13,413
I said I'd never been there
but we speak it at home.

1304
01:00:15,117 --> 01:00:18,777
For someone who's never been to Pakistan
you speak Urdu very well.

1305
01:00:19,992 --> 01:00:20,702
Thanks.

1306
01:00:20,950 --> 01:00:22,330
Do you want to sing?

1307
01:00:33,029 --> 01:00:34,830
I want to name my kid void

1308
01:00:34,832 --> 01:00:38,366
so he won't be able to cash any of his paychecks.

1309
01:00:39,903 --> 01:00:41,870
"I'm sorry, sir, this says void on it."

1310
01:00:41,872 --> 01:00:45,140
"But that's my name.

1311
01:00:45,142 --> 01:00:48,343
Curse you, father!"

1312
01:00:48,345 --> 01:00:50,579
I work on the second floor of the bank

1313
01:00:50,581 --> 01:00:54,449
- in this fantasy scenario.
- Go back to Isis.

1314
01:00:57,553 --> 01:01:00,188
Toast is a really strange food.

1315
01:01:00,190 --> 01:01:01,556
- What-what did you just say?
- You put bread

1316
01:01:01,558 --> 01:01:02,557
- and you make it...
- It was nothing.

1317
01:01:02,559 --> 01:01:04,092
- Come on.
- I said

1318
01:01:04,094 --> 01:01:06,361
he should go back to Isis.

1319
01:01:08,065 --> 01:01:09,531
- Toast is the only food...
- No, I mean,

1320
01:01:09,533 --> 01:01:11,499
that is a really confusing position.

1321
01:01:11,501 --> 01:01:14,069
I mean, do you want Isis to have more people?

1322
01:01:14,071 --> 01:01:15,470
- No, I was saying that...
- Guess what, everybody,

1323
01:01:15,472 --> 01:01:17,639
we got an Isis recruiter here.

1324
01:01:17,641 --> 01:01:20,108
All right, glad we got to the bottom of that.

1325
01:01:20,110 --> 01:01:21,643
Toast is like a...

1326
01:01:21,645 --> 01:01:23,378
What is it about him that made you say that?

1327
01:01:23,380 --> 01:01:25,447
- I think we know what the answer is. I don't...
- Lady, I wasn't

1328
01:01:25,449 --> 01:01:27,148
- talking to you.
- What is it about him? - We don't

1329
01:01:27,150 --> 01:01:29,284
have to go down this path. We
know what's at the end of it...

1330
01:01:29,286 --> 01:01:30,886
'Cause of how he looks.

1331
01:01:32,089 --> 01:01:33,989
- There it is.
- That is like saying

1332
01:01:33,991 --> 01:01:37,225
that all frat boys wearing country club hats

1333
01:01:37,227 --> 01:01:38,994
and Hawaiian shirts

1334
01:01:38,996 --> 01:01:40,562
have shriveled up, tiny, little dicks.

1335
01:01:40,564 --> 01:01:43,064
Okay, actually...
Actually, Beth,

1336
01:01:43,066 --> 01:01:45,200
this is a bad way for you
to find out, but he's right.

1337
01:01:45,202 --> 01:01:47,502
I actually am a terrorist.

1338
01:01:47,504 --> 01:01:49,404
I just do stand-up comedy on the side

1339
01:01:49,406 --> 01:01:51,039
to keep a low profile.

1340
01:01:51,041 --> 01:01:53,341
Fuck you.

1341
01:01:53,343 --> 01:01:55,510
Ac... first of all, very clever.

1342
01:01:55,512 --> 01:01:57,512
What? Did you...

1343
01:01:57,514 --> 01:01:59,481
Did you write that at home?

1344
01:02:00,984 --> 01:02:02,284
Toast...

1345
01:02:02,286 --> 01:02:03,551
- Is a very strange...
- Fuck you.

1346
01:02:03,553 --> 01:02:05,220
- Fuck you.
- No, fuck you.

1347
01:02:05,222 --> 01:02:06,454
You're a bitch, you know that?

1348
01:02:06,456 --> 01:02:07,522
Fuck you.

1349
01:02:09,426 --> 01:02:11,559
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1350
01:02:11,561 --> 01:02:14,062
No, no, no, no, no. No. Listen.

1351
01:02:14,064 --> 01:02:15,997
Fucking kill you!

1352
01:02:15,999 --> 01:02:19,367
What's your fucking phone number?

1353
01:02:19,369 --> 01:02:22,203
Sorry, everybody.

1354
01:02:22,205 --> 01:02:23,705
Sorry.

1355
01:02:23,707 --> 01:02:27,542
I... I'm not sorry, actually,

1356
01:02:27,544 --> 01:02:30,946
'cause you're a...
A terrible person.

1357
01:02:30,948 --> 01:02:33,548
I don't want to kick your ass
here in front of everybody.

1358
01:02:33,550 --> 01:02:35,417
Yeah, that's right.

1359
01:02:35,419 --> 01:02:37,419
I got levels, motherfucker.
Okay?

1360
01:02:37,421 --> 01:02:39,654
This elevator goes all the way fucking down,

1361
01:02:39,656 --> 01:02:43,558
you fucking prick!

1362
01:02:52,001 --> 01:02:55,236
I think I'll make tea.

1363
01:02:55,238 --> 01:02:58,273
Actually, I'll open a bottle of wine.

1364
01:02:58,275 --> 01:03:01,977
Actually, um, does Emily have whiskey?

1365
01:03:01,979 --> 01:03:03,578
On top of the fridge.

1366
01:03:03,580 --> 01:03:05,680
So, uh,

1367
01:03:05,682 --> 01:03:08,149
cubs doing good, huh?

1368
01:03:08,151 --> 01:03:10,318
I don't know anything about baseball.

1369
01:03:10,320 --> 01:03:11,987
No? Hmm.

1370
01:03:11,989 --> 01:03:13,688
I'm so sorry about that.

1371
01:03:13,690 --> 01:03:17,425
That was...

1372
01:03:17,427 --> 01:03:19,728
I just sort of lost control.

1373
01:03:19,730 --> 01:03:22,297
- I thought it was sexy.
- Me, too.

1374
01:03:23,432 --> 01:03:25,166
Not like sexy,

1375
01:03:25,168 --> 01:03:30,071
but like cool sexy, not like aroused sexy.

1376
01:03:30,073 --> 01:03:32,140
I'm gonna not say "sexy" anymore.

1377
01:03:32,142 --> 01:03:33,608
Hey,

1378
01:03:33,610 --> 01:03:35,577
you guys want to get something to eat?

1379
01:03:35,579 --> 01:03:37,345
I know you guys got a formula.

1380
01:03:37,347 --> 01:03:39,214
You know, I've been to a couple shows now.

1381
01:03:39,216 --> 01:03:41,216
- So is it always like that?
- Oh, like tonight?

1382
01:03:41,218 --> 01:03:45,420
- Yeah.
- No, usually a different mom comes in to help me.

1383
01:03:45,422 --> 01:03:47,589
I'm joking. No, it's...

1384
01:03:47,591 --> 01:03:49,758
It's not always like that.
I'd quit if it was.

1385
01:03:49,760 --> 01:03:52,127
- Here's a joke. No.
- No. Terry, don't.

1386
01:03:52,129 --> 01:03:54,496
Terry's about as funny as a fart at a funeral.

1387
01:03:54,498 --> 01:03:57,632
No. This is funny.
This is a funny one.

1388
01:03:57,634 --> 01:04:01,302
- Okay.
- All right. A giraffe walks into a bar,

1389
01:04:01,304 --> 01:04:08,143
and he says to the bartender,
"highballs on me."

1390
01:04:08,145 --> 01:04:10,178
You get it, right?

1391
01:04:10,180 --> 01:04:12,247
- Oh, that was the end of the joke?
- Yeah, of course it was.

1392
01:04:12,249 --> 01:04:13,448
- That was the whole joke?
- That's the joke.

1393
01:04:13,450 --> 01:04:15,316
That's the beauty of it. Boom.

1394
01:04:15,318 --> 01:04:17,652
- I thought there was more.
- But you get it?

1395
01:04:17,654 --> 01:04:19,788
He's giraffe, he's tall,

1396
01:04:19,790 --> 01:04:24,359
so it would stand to reason,
his testicles... are high.

1397
01:04:24,361 --> 01:04:26,661
- Yeah.
- And a highball is a drink.

1398
01:04:26,663 --> 01:04:29,631
And you ruined it by saying I wasn't funny first.

1399
01:04:29,633 --> 01:04:31,833
- That's what it was.
- No. No.

1400
01:04:31,835 --> 01:04:34,135
No, it's good. I like my jokes,
like, thoroughly explained.

1401
01:04:34,137 --> 01:04:36,471
You're just busting...
You're bustin' my highballs.

1402
01:04:36,473 --> 01:04:37,672
Yeah.

1403
01:04:39,609 --> 01:04:42,143
Hmm. Mm-hmm.

1404
01:04:42,145 --> 01:04:44,579
Complex finish, flamboyant mouth-feel.

1405
01:04:44,581 --> 01:04:45,780
Good. How about you?

1406
01:04:45,782 --> 01:04:48,383
- My turn?
- Yeah.

1407
01:04:48,385 --> 01:04:50,318
Mm-hmm.

1408
01:04:50,320 --> 01:04:52,253
Fruit forward.

1409
01:04:52,255 --> 01:04:54,589
- Good term, absolutely. Fruit forward.
- Yeah. No.

1410
01:04:54,591 --> 01:04:56,124
- I'm impressed.
- This one... It's in the front seat.

1411
01:04:56,126 --> 01:04:58,293
- It's driving the wine car.
- Exactly.

1412
01:04:58,295 --> 01:05:00,728
- It is.
- I like wine 'cause of the... buzz.

1413
01:05:00,730 --> 01:05:04,866
Mm. She's a bit of a lightweight... Beth.

1414
01:05:04,868 --> 01:05:06,434
- So is Terry.
- Come on.

1415
01:05:06,436 --> 01:05:07,735
He'll be passed out on the sofa

1416
01:05:07,737 --> 01:05:09,337
- in less than an hour.
- Aah.

1417
01:05:09,339 --> 01:05:11,506
That's nonsense.
You know that's not true.

1418
01:05:13,243 --> 01:05:16,277
- You weren't supposed to be on the show tonight, were you?
- Oh.

1419
01:05:16,279 --> 01:05:19,114
Me, on the show tonight? Yeah,
I was. I was the headliner.

1420
01:05:23,453 --> 01:05:28,356
I lied about the show to get out
of hanging out with you guys.

1421
01:05:28,358 --> 01:05:30,725
And then I lied about headlining

1422
01:05:30,727 --> 01:05:32,727
to impress you guys.

1423
01:05:32,729 --> 01:05:35,864
Well, that didn't work.

1424
01:05:35,866 --> 01:05:39,434
Also, I think I screwed up with your daughter.

1425
01:05:39,436 --> 01:05:41,736
Yeah.

1426
01:05:41,738 --> 01:05:43,738
You did.

1427
01:05:43,740 --> 01:05:45,740
I don't know how people do it

1428
01:05:45,742 --> 01:05:47,742
when their family's sick.

1429
01:05:47,744 --> 01:05:50,278
My uncle Lew... He got cancer.

1430
01:05:50,280 --> 01:05:52,647
Then he had a stroke, then a heart attack.

1431
01:05:52,649 --> 01:05:54,582
Then he had a recurrence of the cancer.

1432
01:05:54,584 --> 01:05:56,151
But you know what killed him?

1433
01:05:56,153 --> 01:05:57,919
- Cancer?
- Car accident.

1434
01:05:57,921 --> 01:05:59,854
We think maybe it was a heart attack

1435
01:05:59,856 --> 01:06:02,590
while he was driving, and he did
still have cancer, too.

1436
01:06:02,592 --> 01:06:04,559
And you know what?

1437
01:06:04,561 --> 01:06:06,928
He ate sprouts his whole fucking life.

1438
01:06:06,930 --> 01:06:10,231
Hadn't had a yolk in 30 years.

1439
01:06:14,538 --> 01:06:18,306
I don't know how I'm going to sleep tonight.

1440
01:06:18,308 --> 01:06:19,807
You want to stress eat?

1441
01:06:19,809 --> 01:06:21,509
Fuck, yeah.

1442
01:06:21,511 --> 01:06:23,278
Oh, my God.

1443
01:06:23,280 --> 01:06:24,779
I know.

1444
01:06:24,781 --> 01:06:27,415
"Most noticeable."

1445
01:06:27,417 --> 01:06:29,317
Oh, now, now, hold on, hold on.

1446
01:06:29,319 --> 01:06:31,920
There's more. Look.

1447
01:06:31,922 --> 01:06:34,923
The legendary cemetery...
Photo shoot.

1448
01:06:34,925 --> 01:06:37,258
Oh. Oh... my God.

1449
01:06:37,260 --> 01:06:39,561
- Nah!
- Oh! Wow!

1450
01:06:39,563 --> 01:06:41,896
Oh. I laughed so hard when I saw these,

1451
01:06:41,898 --> 01:06:43,932
she got so... so mad at me.

1452
01:06:43,934 --> 01:06:45,600
You're gonna wake him up.

1453
01:06:45,602 --> 01:06:47,702
Ah, are you kidding?
He could sleep though anything.

1454
01:06:47,704 --> 01:06:49,637
- Hey, Terry!
- Shh!

1455
01:06:49,639 --> 01:06:51,506
How did you and Terry meet?

1456
01:06:51,508 --> 01:06:55,743
I was, um, going to east Carolina university.

1457
01:06:55,745 --> 01:06:57,845
And I was, um, waiting tables,

1458
01:06:57,847 --> 01:07:00,281
and, you know, we met at this coffee shop.

1459
01:07:00,283 --> 01:07:03,251
I was waiting on him, you know,
and I liked his hair.

1460
01:07:03,253 --> 01:07:05,620
He was a teacher already, you know.

1461
01:07:05,622 --> 01:07:07,455
Thick New York accent,

1462
01:07:07,457 --> 01:07:09,924
like... like nobody I'd ever met, you know.

1463
01:07:09,926 --> 01:07:11,826
Totally wrong for me.

1464
01:07:11,828 --> 01:07:13,695
So, naturally, we fell in love.

1465
01:07:13,697 --> 01:07:16,631
My family could not stand him.

1466
01:07:16,633 --> 01:07:19,467
We're all military people.
Army pilots.

1467
01:07:19,469 --> 01:07:20,835
All my brothers played football.

1468
01:07:20,837 --> 01:07:22,937
Terry couldn't even change a tire.

1469
01:07:22,939 --> 01:07:25,607
My father got so mad at me,

1470
01:07:25,609 --> 01:07:27,842
he broke every dinner plate we had.

1471
01:07:27,844 --> 01:07:30,945
Now back then, um,
you-you go to the gas station,

1472
01:07:30,947 --> 01:07:33,448
you fill up your tank, you get a dinner plate.

1473
01:07:33,450 --> 01:07:35,516
- Oh.
- But just one at a time, like cup, saucer.

1474
01:07:35,518 --> 01:07:38,720
It took a year of fill-ups
to get the whole set back.

1475
01:07:38,722 --> 01:07:41,356
And Terry...
Terry just stuck around.

1476
01:07:41,358 --> 01:07:43,024
Eventually...

1477
01:07:43,026 --> 01:07:45,627
They all just got over it.

1478
01:07:45,629 --> 01:07:48,263
- They just got over it?
- Mm-hmm.

1479
01:07:48,265 --> 01:07:51,866
- How?
- Lots of fucked-up dinners.

1480
01:07:51,868 --> 01:07:55,370
How'd your parents meet, Kumail?

1481
01:07:55,372 --> 01:07:57,505
So we have arranged marriage, as you know,

1482
01:07:57,507 --> 01:08:00,808
and a big group got together to go see a movie,

1483
01:08:00,810 --> 01:08:05,680
but really it was just a set-up
so my mom and my dad could meet.

1484
01:08:05,682 --> 01:08:07,815
What movie did they see?

1485
01:08:07,817 --> 01:08:10,351
I have no idea.

1486
01:08:10,353 --> 01:08:12,520
I never asked.

1487
01:08:14,291 --> 01:08:17,325
- She's great, you know?
- Yeah.

1488
01:08:17,327 --> 01:08:19,827
I know.

1489
01:08:19,829 --> 01:08:22,897
I feel good about the surgery.

1490
01:08:22,899 --> 01:08:25,900
Yeah. Me, too. These doctors
know what they're doing.

1491
01:08:25,902 --> 01:08:28,670
No, they don't.

1492
01:08:28,672 --> 01:08:30,772
They're just winging it like everybody else.

1493
01:08:42,484 --> 01:08:45,320
Oh.

1494
01:08:45,322 --> 01:08:47,789
Fuck.

1495
01:08:55,464 --> 01:08:57,665
Hey, it's me.

1496
01:08:57,667 --> 01:09:00,802
So, um, I tried making some Pakistani food,

1497
01:09:00,804 --> 01:09:04,405
uh, to surprise you, and either I'm a bad cook,

1498
01:09:04,407 --> 01:09:07,108
or all Pakistani food is terrible.

1499
01:09:07,110 --> 01:09:10,044
I don't know yet. Bye!

1500
01:09:13,682 --> 01:09:16,517
Hey, it me.
Um, if you just want to come over

1501
01:09:16,519 --> 01:09:19,620
and, like, kiss me for two seconds,

1502
01:09:19,622 --> 01:09:21,456
I'd really love that tonight.

1503
01:09:21,458 --> 01:09:23,725
Okay. Bye.

1504
01:09:26,061 --> 01:09:29,063
Hey, it's me.
So, uh, did you want to meet

1505
01:09:29,065 --> 01:09:31,065
at the gallery? Oh, my God!

1506
01:09:31,067 --> 01:09:32,900
Oh, my God!

1507
01:09:32,902 --> 01:09:35,536
Oh, my God!
A bird just hit me in the head!

1508
01:09:35,538 --> 01:09:36,971
Oh, my God, I'm not kidding!

1509
01:09:38,842 --> 01:09:42,944
I'll call you right back.
Oh, my God, is it okay?

1510
01:09:45,415 --> 01:09:48,015
The infection

1511
01:09:48,017 --> 01:09:50,618
around the lungs has been removed.

1512
01:09:50,620 --> 01:09:52,387
We should be able to pull her out soon.

1513
01:09:52,389 --> 01:09:54,088
- Uh.
- Oh, boy! Whew.

1514
01:09:54,090 --> 01:09:56,657
Oh. Well, how soon?

1515
01:09:56,659 --> 01:09:58,826
She should be up by tomorrow
morning at the latest.

1516
01:09:58,828 --> 01:10:00,895
- Oh, wow.
- We'll also test the pleural fluid

1517
01:10:00,897 --> 01:10:02,597
from the thoracentesis

1518
01:10:02,599 --> 01:10:04,732
to create a more targeted antibiotic strategy.

1519
01:10:04,734 --> 01:10:06,501
So this is good news?

1520
01:10:06,503 --> 01:10:08,002
It's very good news.

1521
01:10:08,004 --> 01:10:09,771
- Yeah.
- We'll just hold onto her

1522
01:10:09,773 --> 01:10:12,006
for a few more days,
and then, you can have her back.

1523
01:10:12,008 --> 01:10:15,009
- She's a fighter, right?
- Yes.

1524
01:10:17,880 --> 01:10:19,781
I was so worried.
We saw on the news

1525
01:10:19,783 --> 01:10:21,416
that a train derailed, and we thought

1526
01:10:21,418 --> 01:10:23,418
that you were on the train, and you had died.

1527
01:10:23,420 --> 01:10:25,553
Nobody died on that train, ma.

1528
01:10:25,555 --> 01:10:27,088
But did they look under the train?

1529
01:10:27,090 --> 01:10:28,689
So where were you last night?
What were you doing?

1530
01:10:28,691 --> 01:10:31,025
Nothing.
I wasn't doing anything.

1531
01:10:31,027 --> 01:10:33,628
- Kumail?
- All right, I'll tell you.

1532
01:10:33,630 --> 01:10:36,431
- Tell.
- I was...

1533
01:10:36,433 --> 01:10:38,933
I was studying for the LSAT.

1534
01:10:38,935 --> 01:10:42,036
- Really?
- Yup.

1535
01:10:42,038 --> 01:10:46,607
I signed up, and if I pass,
I'm going to go to law school

1536
01:10:46,609 --> 01:10:49,110
and become a lawyer...

1537
01:10:49,112 --> 01:10:51,212
And do law.

1538
01:10:51,214 --> 01:10:52,947
Hmm.

1539
01:10:52,949 --> 01:10:54,849
Oh, let me see who that could be.

1540
01:10:54,851 --> 01:10:56,551
- Really, dad?
- What?

1541
01:10:56,553 --> 01:10:58,453
You said that nobody was going
to come, it was just...

1542
01:10:58,455 --> 01:11:00,021
- Gonna be just us.
- Kumail, do you know this guy?

1543
01:11:00,023 --> 01:11:02,123
People say Sam! People say Sam!

1544
01:11:02,125 --> 01:11:04,826
- Do you know him?
- Yeah, I know him. - He should be

1545
01:11:04,828 --> 01:11:06,994
- on Saturday Night Live.
- SNL - People don't say "Sam."

1546
01:11:06,996 --> 01:11:08,629
- They say "salaam."
- Everybody, you

1547
01:11:08,631 --> 01:11:09,964
remember Khadija?

1548
01:11:09,966 --> 01:11:11,232
She just dropped in.

1549
01:11:11,234 --> 01:11:13,568
She was just in the neighborhood.

1550
01:11:13,570 --> 01:11:16,804
And these are her parents, Rahan and Tina.

1551
01:11:16,806 --> 01:11:19,106
They also just dropped in.

1552
01:11:19,108 --> 01:11:21,365
- Salaam alaikum.
- Alaikum salaam.

1553
01:11:21,367 --> 01:11:23,407
So then she came to America.

1554
01:11:23,450 --> 01:11:24,990
She had three kids.

1555
01:11:25,283 --> 01:11:28,623
Actually, she left two kids back
in Pakistan when she came...

1556
01:11:29,885 --> 01:11:33,221
I've just been on so many of these appointments,

1557
01:11:33,223 --> 01:11:36,190
- and I just never have anything in common with the guys.
- Yeah.

1558
01:11:36,192 --> 01:11:39,193
You know, when girls at work
complain to me about dating,

1559
01:11:39,195 --> 01:11:41,896
I just...
I want to body-slam them.

1560
01:11:41,898 --> 01:11:43,097
They have no idea.

1561
01:11:43,099 --> 01:11:44,565
- Right.
- I don't know.

1562
01:11:44,567 --> 01:11:46,234
My mom says I'm becoming

1563
01:11:46,236 --> 01:11:48,102
like the bruised apple

1564
01:11:48,104 --> 01:11:50,571
at the bottom of the apple bucket.

1565
01:11:50,573 --> 01:11:51,873
- No. No, no, no, you're not.
- Yeah.

1566
01:11:51,875 --> 01:11:53,708
- I am.
- No, you're not.

1567
01:11:53,710 --> 01:11:57,278
So, do you want to hang out sometime?

1568
01:11:57,280 --> 01:11:59,881
Like, without our parents.

1569
01:11:59,883 --> 01:12:01,816
Have you been to the cat café?

1570
01:12:01,818 --> 01:12:03,518
The cats just come up to you

1571
01:12:03,520 --> 01:12:06,888
and nestle in your lap, and you just... pet them.

1572
01:12:06,890 --> 01:12:09,223
I don't think that's a good idea.

1573
01:12:09,225 --> 01:12:11,192
You don't like... cats?

1574
01:12:11,194 --> 01:12:12,994
I mean...

1575
01:12:12,996 --> 01:12:16,864
I don't think it's a good idea
for us to hang out again.

1576
01:12:16,866 --> 01:12:20,201
It's not you.
You're... fantastic.

1577
01:12:20,203 --> 01:12:25,106
I just can't do this arranged
marriage thing... with anybody.

1578
01:12:25,108 --> 01:12:28,009
So why did you meet me?

1579
01:12:28,011 --> 01:12:31,312
It wasn't my idea.

1580
01:12:35,618 --> 01:12:37,852
I'm just really tired.

1581
01:12:37,854 --> 01:12:41,055
Do you ever want to just be in a relationship

1582
01:12:41,057 --> 01:12:45,059
so you can just finally relax?

1583
01:12:45,061 --> 01:12:47,562
I'm sorry.

1584
01:12:50,098 --> 01:12:52,600
You deserve better than me.

1585
01:12:52,602 --> 01:12:55,870
People always telling me what I deserve.

1586
01:12:55,872 --> 01:12:59,006
It's bullshit.

1587
01:12:59,008 --> 01:13:01,676
And stop being so sorry about everything.

1588
01:13:03,680 --> 01:13:05,980
I'm gonna go.

1589
01:13:05,982 --> 01:13:09,116
And do you know what?
I watched the X-Files...

1590
01:13:09,118 --> 01:13:13,054
Like, three whole episodes...
And it's a bad show.

1591
01:13:23,799 --> 01:13:25,866
Wow.

1592
01:13:25,868 --> 01:13:29,170
They should call this web site,
"everything is cancer, dot-com."

1593
01:13:29,172 --> 01:13:33,174
Whatever symptom you put in,
it... could be cancer.

1594
01:13:33,176 --> 01:13:35,776
Hiccups could be cancer.
Come on.

1595
01:13:35,778 --> 01:13:37,345
Take the fun out of hiccups now.

1596
01:13:37,347 --> 01:13:38,980
But you know, this is the

1597
01:13:38,982 --> 01:13:42,249
17th best hospital in Chicago?

1598
01:13:42,251 --> 01:13:45,019
- Really? Out of how many?
- I don't know.

1599
01:13:45,021 --> 01:13:47,021
But Northwestern's number one.

1600
01:13:47,023 --> 01:13:49,123
How do they rate,

1601
01:13:49,125 --> 01:13:50,891
- or what's the methodology?
- I-I don't know, Terry.

1602
01:13:50,893 --> 01:13:53,194
But 17th is bad.

1603
01:13:53,196 --> 01:13:55,196
It's not great.
Unless the sample size is...

1604
01:13:55,198 --> 01:13:56,831
You know, that all depends.

1605
01:13:56,833 --> 01:13:58,199
Here, look at the comments.

1606
01:13:58,201 --> 01:14:00,067
This is why I don't want to go online,

1607
01:14:00,069 --> 01:14:01,268
'cause it's never good.

1608
01:14:01,270 --> 01:14:03,738
You go online, they hated Forrest Gump.

1609
01:14:03,740 --> 01:14:06,240
Frickin' best movie ever.

1610
01:14:07,909 --> 01:14:09,777
Yeah, I know.

1611
01:14:09,779 --> 01:14:12,380
Well, it, no, it hasn't been that long.

1612
01:14:12,382 --> 01:14:15,049
Like, three hours, maybe.

1613
01:14:15,051 --> 01:14:18,052
Oh, hey, I-I...
All right, I got to go.

1614
01:14:19,054 --> 01:14:20,254
- Terry, hi.
- Hey.

1615
01:14:20,256 --> 01:14:21,722
- Can we talk?
- Yeah, yeah.

1616
01:14:21,724 --> 01:14:23,724
Okay.

1617
01:14:23,726 --> 01:14:25,660
We got the biopsy results.

1618
01:14:25,662 --> 01:14:27,995
They are, unfortunately, inconclusive.

1619
01:14:27,997 --> 01:14:30,665
Uh, we're concerned because it is also...

1620
01:14:32,735 --> 01:14:34,869
Well, wait, wait, what does that mean?

1621
01:14:34,871 --> 01:14:37,672
It means it's aggressive.
It means that...

1622
01:14:45,914 --> 01:14:48,249
I mean, they-they couldn't find out what

1623
01:14:48,251 --> 01:14:50,851
the disease was or where the...
Where the virus came from,

1624
01:14:50,853 --> 01:14:52,787
- the bacteria, whatever.
- But-but they took out

1625
01:14:52,789 --> 01:14:54,288
- the infection, so it shouldn't matter.
- I know. That's what

1626
01:14:54,290 --> 01:14:56,123
I said.
But, uh, her vitals didn't normalize.

1627
01:14:56,125 --> 01:14:58,059
And-and now they say, the infection,

1628
01:14:58,061 --> 01:15:00,795
it's-it's continuing to spread.
It's in her kidneys now.

1629
01:15:00,797 --> 01:15:03,464
- But the kidneys are so far from the lungs.
- I know.

1630
01:15:03,466 --> 01:15:06,400
It's an aggressive infection, and-and they said

1631
01:15:06,402 --> 01:15:08,769
what they got to do now is
they just got to figure out

1632
01:15:08,771 --> 01:15:11,105
- what this mystery disease actually is.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh,

1633
01:15:11,107 --> 01:15:12,940
uh-huh, uh-huh,

1634
01:15:12,942 --> 01:15:14,275
uh-huh.

1635
01:15:14,277 --> 01:15:16,310
I'm calling Northwestern.

1636
01:15:16,312 --> 01:15:17,978
- Just hold on, hold on.
- Terry, goddamn it...

1637
01:15:17,980 --> 01:15:20,014
- I think we should talk about...
- Shut up.

1638
01:15:20,016 --> 01:15:22,349
I'm sick of this shit, Terry.
We're getting her out of here.

1639
01:15:22,351 --> 01:15:25,219
They're in the middle of the...
Of the whole process

1640
01:15:25,221 --> 01:15:27,088
- of elimination.
- So you're saying Northwestern can't take

1641
01:15:27,090 --> 01:15:28,889
that information and continue the search?

1642
01:15:28,891 --> 01:15:30,891
This place is a shithole.
I'm sorry.

1643
01:15:30,893 --> 01:15:32,827
Anna, could I have that?

1644
01:15:32,829 --> 01:15:34,829
Will you just stop for a second,
all right? They are the doctors.

1645
01:15:34,831 --> 01:15:36,430
You-you act like you know
what you're talking about.

1646
01:15:36,432 --> 01:15:37,965
- Doctors are not the same.
- You don't.

1647
01:15:37,967 --> 01:15:39,965
- You got a phone? - Yeah.
- Don't give her the phone.

1648
01:15:39,967 --> 01:15:41,102
I can't find my cell phone.

1649
01:15:41,104 --> 01:15:42,837
Don't... You don't need a phone.

1650
01:15:42,839 --> 01:15:44,438
You don't need to call anybody right now.
The...

1651
01:15:44,440 --> 01:15:46,307
They're doing it.
They're the experts here, and...

1652
01:15:46,309 --> 01:15:48,375
- And I trust them. - One, five...
- Oh, well, that's very nice,

1653
01:15:48,377 --> 01:15:50,778
but I don't. Can you unlock
that thing? There-there's

1654
01:15:50,780 --> 01:15:53,147
a reason they're number 17
and Northwestern's number one.

1655
01:15:53,149 --> 01:15:55,216
And that's not because people
trust them. Thank you.

1656
01:15:55,218 --> 01:15:57,918
Wait, you think you're smarter
than me. You say big sentences.

1657
01:15:57,920 --> 01:15:59,453
Okay, well, you're not.
You're not.

1658
01:16:02,825 --> 01:16:04,759
I don't think I'm smarter than you.

1659
01:16:04,761 --> 01:16:06,360
You just don't think you're as smart as I am.

1660
01:16:06,362 --> 01:16:09,029
- That's not my fault.
- Right, it's...

1661
01:16:09,031 --> 01:16:11,198
It's never your fault.
Everything's my fault.

1662
01:16:11,200 --> 01:16:14,001
Oh, there are some things that are definitely...

1663
01:16:14,003 --> 01:16:16,504
Just your fault.

1664
01:16:16,506 --> 01:16:19,373
Okay, that's-that's bullshit.

1665
01:16:19,375 --> 01:16:22,042
You need to stop freaking out and calm down.

1666
01:16:22,044 --> 01:16:24,378
And you need to stop being a coward.

1667
01:16:25,380 --> 01:16:26,914
Right.

1668
01:16:26,916 --> 01:16:29,083
The greatest hits coming back.

1669
01:16:29,085 --> 01:16:30,818
Okay, you can just...
Well, you can stop.

1670
01:16:30,820 --> 01:16:34,488
I'll-I'll replay the rest of this from memory.

1671
01:16:36,491 --> 01:16:39,059
Yeah, don't... listen to me...

1672
01:17:04,419 --> 01:17:07,121
Oh. You're giraffe-ing it.

1673
01:17:07,123 --> 01:17:08,989
It's the biggest thing they had.

1674
01:17:08,991 --> 01:17:10,457
I don't even know if she likes giraffes.

1675
01:17:10,459 --> 01:17:13,127
We never talked about...

1676
01:17:13,129 --> 01:17:15,262
Giraffes.

1677
01:17:15,264 --> 01:17:17,198
Hey, do they know what they're doing?

1678
01:17:17,200 --> 01:17:19,266
'Cause they don't tell us anything.

1679
01:17:19,268 --> 01:17:21,602
Like, uh, Lyme disease.
You know, the girl

1680
01:17:21,604 --> 01:17:24,371
on the real world had it.
Did you guys look for that?

1681
01:17:24,373 --> 01:17:26,941
- Yes, we did.
- You know, she gets hurt all the time,

1682
01:17:26,943 --> 01:17:29,410
and she messed up her ankle
recently. Could that be lupus?

1683
01:17:29,412 --> 01:17:31,946
Listen, we're looking into everything.

1684
01:17:31,948 --> 01:17:34,148
We're not holding anything back from you.

1685
01:17:34,150 --> 01:17:37,551
We're still just eliminating possibilities.

1686
01:17:37,553 --> 01:17:40,487
'Cause Beth wants to move her to Northwestern.

1687
01:17:40,489 --> 01:17:44,158
No. Emily should not be moved.

1688
01:17:44,160 --> 01:17:46,026
The hospital will approve it,

1689
01:17:46,028 --> 01:17:48,429
because it'll get the liability off their hands.

1690
01:17:48,431 --> 01:17:51,165
But we put her in a coma for a reason...

1691
01:17:51,167 --> 01:17:52,433
To stabilize her.

1692
01:17:52,435 --> 01:17:56,103
Moving her could be very dangerous.

1693
01:17:56,105 --> 01:17:59,506
Trust me, she is fighting this, and so are we.

1694
01:18:03,478 --> 01:18:06,881
Hey, Terry, I-I was just talking to the n...

1695
01:18:06,883 --> 01:18:08,582
- You okay?
- Yeah.

1696
01:18:08,584 --> 01:18:10,451
Yeah, of course.

1697
01:18:10,453 --> 01:18:12,319
Fine. Totally fine.

1698
01:18:12,321 --> 01:18:15,656
Just, uh...
Beth went to Emily's, so, uh...

1699
01:18:15,658 --> 01:18:18,659
I'm gonna wait here
till they kick me out, you know?

1700
01:18:18,661 --> 01:18:23,497
Just-just keep an eye on her.

1701
01:18:27,402 --> 01:18:29,103
Do you want to crash at my place?

1702
01:18:29,105 --> 01:18:31,138
You got golf channel?

1703
01:18:31,140 --> 01:18:32,473
No.

1704
01:18:32,475 --> 01:18:34,241
That wasn't funny, right?

1705
01:18:34,243 --> 01:18:37,244
Oh, I didn't... I thought
that was a serious question.

1706
01:18:37,246 --> 01:18:38,946
Let's get the fuck out of here.

1707
01:18:44,587 --> 01:18:46,453
So...

1708
01:18:46,455 --> 01:18:48,122
This is the place.

1709
01:18:48,124 --> 01:18:50,624
Huh. Wow.

1710
01:18:50,626 --> 01:18:52,559
This place is terrible.

1711
01:18:57,233 --> 01:19:00,668
Hey, uh, I talked to nurse Judy,

1712
01:19:00,670 --> 01:19:02,670
and she was saying that, like,

1713
01:19:02,672 --> 01:19:05,039
moving Emily could be a bad idea.

1714
01:19:05,041 --> 01:19:06,373
Really?

1715
01:19:06,375 --> 01:19:10,077
Yeah, she said it could be dangerous.

1716
01:19:11,079 --> 01:19:12,279
Like, something...

1717
01:19:12,281 --> 01:19:14,682
Yeah, I-I hear you.

1718
01:19:14,684 --> 01:19:17,217
Hmm.

1719
01:19:17,219 --> 01:19:20,421
I just...
I'd give anything just to...

1720
01:19:20,423 --> 01:19:22,957
Trade places with Emily.

1721
01:19:22,959 --> 01:19:25,426
You know?

1722
01:19:25,428 --> 01:19:29,129
Being a parent, it's-it's a nightmare.

1723
01:19:29,131 --> 01:19:33,267
Loving somebody this much sucks.

1724
01:19:33,269 --> 01:19:34,668
Yeah.

1725
01:19:34,670 --> 01:19:37,037
And, uh,

1726
01:19:37,039 --> 01:19:41,608
I guess you've noticed
the tension between Beth and me.

1727
01:19:41,610 --> 01:19:44,078
Uh, not really.

1728
01:19:44,080 --> 01:19:45,679
Uh, it's none of my business,

1729
01:19:45,681 --> 01:19:48,048
- so I don't try to...
- Yeah, no, it's...

1730
01:19:48,050 --> 01:19:49,483
Uh, it's there.

1731
01:19:49,485 --> 01:19:51,752
Big-time.

1732
01:19:51,754 --> 01:19:54,154
It's getting really late.

1733
01:19:54,156 --> 01:19:56,357
We should go to sleep.

1734
01:20:03,565 --> 01:20:05,566
I cheated on her.

1735
01:20:05,568 --> 01:20:08,335
Fuck.

1736
01:20:08,337 --> 01:20:10,337
I did.

1737
01:20:10,339 --> 01:20:13,173
It was just a one-night stand.

1738
01:20:13,175 --> 01:20:15,709
- Okay.
- We met at some bar in Cincinnati.

1739
01:20:15,711 --> 01:20:19,079
They-they have these teacher conferences.

1740
01:20:19,081 --> 01:20:22,449
Who goes to a math conference to get laid?

1741
01:20:22,451 --> 01:20:23,650
Math teachers?

1742
01:20:23,652 --> 01:20:26,020
Yeah.

1743
01:20:26,022 --> 01:20:28,222
I-I think I was depressed.

1744
01:20:28,224 --> 01:20:30,691
- That's what it was.
- Yeah.

1745
01:20:30,693 --> 01:20:32,426
Let's talk about it tomorrow.

1746
01:20:32,428 --> 01:20:34,161
Get a full night's sleep,

1747
01:20:34,163 --> 01:20:35,362
- tackle it fresh in the morning...
- She just

1748
01:20:35,364 --> 01:20:39,033
smelled so good.

1749
01:20:40,402 --> 01:20:42,403
It was horrible, too.

1750
01:20:42,405 --> 01:20:45,572
As soon as I was finished, as soon as I finished,

1751
01:20:45,574 --> 01:20:48,776
I was like, "what did you fucking do?!"

1752
01:20:48,778 --> 01:20:53,647
"What did you just do?!

1753
01:20:53,649 --> 01:20:56,216
What did you do?!"

1754
01:20:57,252 --> 01:20:59,553
You know, that-that, uh,

1755
01:20:59,555 --> 01:21:03,557
moment of clarity you get, right after an orgasm.

1756
01:21:04,559 --> 01:21:07,227
Yeah.

1757
01:21:07,229 --> 01:21:08,429
I told Beth right away.

1758
01:21:08,431 --> 01:21:10,831
I had to.

1759
01:21:10,833 --> 01:21:13,300
She was devastated.

1760
01:21:13,302 --> 01:21:16,303
And now she hates me.

1761
01:21:16,305 --> 01:21:18,439
She might be mad at you, but...

1762
01:21:18,441 --> 01:21:20,507
But she doesn't hate you.

1763
01:21:20,509 --> 01:21:22,309
Should've heard the way
she was talking about you.

1764
01:21:22,311 --> 01:21:24,311
Mm.

1765
01:21:24,313 --> 01:21:27,214
Hey, can I ask you something?

1766
01:21:28,683 --> 01:21:30,084
Why'd you tell her?

1767
01:21:30,086 --> 01:21:31,518
Oh, I had to.

1768
01:21:31,520 --> 01:21:33,353
I'm no good with guilt.

1769
01:21:33,355 --> 01:21:35,823
Do you guys talk about it?

1770
01:21:35,825 --> 01:21:37,491
Not anymore.

1771
01:21:37,493 --> 01:21:41,562
She said she forgave me,
but-but, no...

1772
01:21:41,564 --> 01:21:44,131
She hasn't.

1773
01:21:44,133 --> 01:21:48,669
Let me give you some advice, Kumail.

1774
01:21:48,671 --> 01:21:51,672
You're gonna know
the woman that you want to spend

1775
01:21:51,674 --> 01:21:54,274
the rest of your life with

1776
01:21:54,276 --> 01:21:56,276
when you cheat on her.

1777
01:21:56,278 --> 01:22:00,614
When you cheat on her
and you just feel like shit.

1778
01:22:02,350 --> 01:22:04,518
So to fully know I love someone,

1779
01:22:04,520 --> 01:22:07,488
I have to cheat on them?

1780
01:22:08,690 --> 01:22:11,191
Out loud, it sounds stupid.

1781
01:22:12,727 --> 01:22:15,129
Eh, it's...
Yeah, that's terrible advice.

1782
01:22:16,532 --> 01:22:18,732
Love...

1783
01:22:18,734 --> 01:22:21,268
Love isn't easy.

1784
01:22:21,270 --> 01:22:24,171
That's why they call it love.

1785
01:22:24,173 --> 01:22:26,507
- I don't really get that either.
- I know.

1786
01:22:26,509 --> 01:22:28,675
I thought I could just start saying something,

1787
01:22:28,677 --> 01:22:31,345
and something smart would come out.

1788
01:22:49,864 --> 01:22:51,732
Hey, did you see Terry?

1789
01:22:51,734 --> 01:22:53,600
Yeah, I heard him leave this morning.

1790
01:22:53,602 --> 01:22:55,602
I'm going to subbies.
You want anything?

1791
01:22:55,604 --> 01:22:57,371
Nah, I'm good. Thank you.

1792
01:22:57,373 --> 01:22:58,839
You don't want a hot dog or nothin'?

1793
01:22:58,841 --> 01:23:00,374
Dude, it's 8:30 in the morning.

1794
01:23:00,376 --> 01:23:03,177
Okay. No hot dog.

1795
01:23:04,647 --> 01:23:06,180
Oh, hi.

1796
01:23:06,182 --> 01:23:07,915
Oh, yeah, you can go right in.

1797
01:23:09,918 --> 01:23:11,785
We just spoke to Khadija's parents.

1798
01:23:11,787 --> 01:23:14,288
- What are you doing here?
- What is wrong with you, Kumi?

1799
01:23:14,290 --> 01:23:15,923
Nothing is wrong with me.
I'm sorry.

1800
01:23:15,925 --> 01:23:17,691
- Sorry? That's all you have to say?
- Okay, I-I don't...

1801
01:23:17,693 --> 01:23:18,892
- I wasn't that into her.
- Into her?

1802
01:23:18,894 --> 01:23:20,894
- Yeah.
- Do you know how difficult it is

1803
01:23:20,896 --> 01:23:22,429
to get a appointment with her?

1804
01:23:22,431 --> 01:23:23,897
She's in very high demand.

1805
01:23:23,899 --> 01:23:25,732
- Okay, so?
- So?

1806
01:23:25,734 --> 01:23:27,734
Can we please talk
about this another time? I-I...

1807
01:23:27,736 --> 01:23:31,305
No, no, Kumi.
We will talk about this now.

1808
01:23:31,307 --> 01:23:33,440
We have sacrificed everything for you.

1809
01:23:33,442 --> 01:23:35,976
I know. Okay?

1810
01:23:35,978 --> 01:23:37,511
We have left our family.

1811
01:23:37,513 --> 01:23:38,979
We have left our home.

1812
01:23:38,981 --> 01:23:42,382
I have missed the birth of my sister's daughter.

1813
01:23:42,384 --> 01:23:46,787
I have not seen my mother for 15 years.

1814
01:23:46,789 --> 01:23:51,458
Your father, he had to do
his graduate school again.

1815
01:23:51,460 --> 01:23:53,260
He had to give exams again.

1816
01:23:53,262 --> 01:23:55,796
I was in my mid-50s.

1817
01:23:55,798 --> 01:23:59,333
They were in 20s. They used
to call me father time.

1818
01:23:59,335 --> 01:24:01,668
Okay, okay. I know that.

1819
01:24:01,670 --> 01:24:05,272
And I-I really appreciate
everything you did for me.

1820
01:24:05,274 --> 01:24:08,675
But can we talk about this another time?

1821
01:24:08,677 --> 01:24:11,678
Kumi, if you don't want to be a lawyer, fine.

1822
01:24:11,680 --> 01:24:14,014
If you want to do the stand-up comedy

1823
01:24:14,016 --> 01:24:17,017
and embarrass us as a family, fine.

1824
01:24:17,019 --> 01:24:18,852
There is only one thing

1825
01:24:18,854 --> 01:24:21,521
that we have ever asked for you, Kumi,

1826
01:24:21,523 --> 01:24:24,658
that you be a good Muslim
and you marry a Pakistani girl!

1827
01:24:24,660 --> 01:24:27,327
That is it! One thing!

1828
01:24:27,329 --> 01:24:29,529
Can I ask you something?

1829
01:24:29,531 --> 01:24:31,465
Something that has never made sense to me.

1830
01:24:31,467 --> 01:24:33,467
Why did you bring me here if you wanted me

1831
01:24:33,469 --> 01:24:35,335
to not have an American life?

1832
01:24:35,337 --> 01:24:38,272
We come here, but we pretend
like we're still back there.

1833
01:24:38,274 --> 01:24:40,674
- That's so stupid.
- Don't you talk

1834
01:24:40,676 --> 01:24:42,776
- to your mother like that.
- You don't care what I think.

1835
01:24:42,778 --> 01:24:44,478
You just want me to follow the rules.

1836
01:24:44,480 --> 01:24:48,015
But the r... the rules don't make sense to me.

1837
01:24:52,420 --> 01:24:54,655
I don't pray.

1838
01:24:54,657 --> 01:24:56,556
I don't.

1839
01:24:56,558 --> 01:24:59,359
I haven't prayed in years.

1840
01:24:59,361 --> 01:25:01,361
I just go down there

1841
01:25:01,363 --> 01:25:02,963
and I play video games.

1842
01:25:02,965 --> 01:25:04,431
You don't believe in Allah?

1843
01:25:04,433 --> 01:25:05,932
I don't know what I believe, dad.

1844
01:25:05,934 --> 01:25:07,934
I don't know.

1845
01:25:10,071 --> 01:25:12,673
And I can't marry someone you find for me.

1846
01:25:12,675 --> 01:25:15,575
And why not?

1847
01:25:16,778 --> 01:25:18,845
Because I am in love with someone.

1848
01:25:18,847 --> 01:25:20,981
I am.

1849
01:25:20,983 --> 01:25:22,916
Her name is Emily

1850
01:25:22,918 --> 01:25:25,085
and she's gonna be a therapist.

1851
01:25:25,087 --> 01:25:27,654
And right now she's very sick.

1852
01:25:27,656 --> 01:25:29,456
But I couldn't tell you that.

1853
01:25:29,458 --> 01:25:32,726
It makes me so sad that
I couldn't tell you any of that.

1854
01:25:35,396 --> 01:25:38,665
I really appreciate everything
you've done for me.

1855
01:25:38,667 --> 01:25:41,968
I truly, truly, truly do.
I really do.

1856
01:25:41,970 --> 01:25:44,571
And I know Islam has been really good for you,

1857
01:25:44,573 --> 01:25:46,506
and it has made you good people.

1858
01:25:46,508 --> 01:25:50,577
But I don't know what I believe.

1859
01:25:50,579 --> 01:25:53,447
I just need to figure it out on my own.

1860
01:25:53,449 --> 01:25:55,749
You're not my son.

1861
01:25:57,452 --> 01:26:00,420
Kumail. You're being selfish,

1862
01:26:00,422 --> 01:26:02,022
you're not thinking about us.

1863
01:26:02,024 --> 01:26:03,924
You're not thinking about Khadija, in fact,

1864
01:26:03,926 --> 01:26:06,893
you're not even thinking about
that girl you are in love with.

1865
01:26:06,895 --> 01:26:09,629
You think American dream is doing just about

1866
01:26:09,631 --> 01:26:11,998
whatever you want and not
thinking about other people?

1867
01:26:12,000 --> 01:26:13,500
You're wrong.

1868
01:26:13,502 --> 01:26:15,502
You are wrong!

1869
01:26:19,640 --> 01:26:21,775
Excuse us, please.

1870
01:26:21,777 --> 01:26:23,777
What's wrong with you, man?

1871
01:26:25,813 --> 01:26:27,547
- Hey.
- Hey.

1872
01:26:27,549 --> 01:26:30,050
I, uh, never went to the store.

1873
01:26:30,052 --> 01:26:32,586
I was just listening at the door.

1874
01:26:34,422 --> 01:26:37,858
Hey... my mom kicked me out
for dealing weed at 16,

1875
01:26:37,860 --> 01:26:39,826
so I get it, man.

1876
01:26:51,507 --> 01:26:52,706
Hey.

1877
01:26:52,708 --> 01:26:54,508
- Hey.
- Hey, um, so,

1878
01:26:54,510 --> 01:26:56,109
w-when are we gonna talk to Beth about this thing

1879
01:26:56,111 --> 01:26:58,745
- that we talked about?
- We-we-we're gonna move her,

1880
01:26:58,747 --> 01:27:00,480
is what we're gonna do.

1881
01:27:00,482 --> 01:27:02,416
What?

1882
01:27:02,418 --> 01:27:03,617
- What? We're gonna move her.
- What you...

1883
01:27:03,619 --> 01:27:04,818
What are you talking about?

1884
01:27:04,820 --> 01:27:06,019
You fucking caved?

1885
01:27:06,021 --> 01:27:07,554
- I didn't cave.
- You fucking caved?

1886
01:27:07,556 --> 01:27:09,089
- I don't cave, okay?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

1887
01:27:09,091 --> 01:27:10,857
I know you don't, you don't cave, you don't cave,

1888
01:27:10,859 --> 01:27:12,159
you're great, but-but-but
we talked about this last night

1889
01:27:12,161 --> 01:27:13,827
and we decided - I know.

1890
01:27:13,829 --> 01:27:15,562
- That it wasn't gonna be a good...
- We're moving her.

1891
01:27:15,564 --> 01:27:17,063
- No. What?
- Yeah.

1892
01:27:17,065 --> 01:27:18,665
- I-I told you what the nurse said.
- She's right.

1893
01:27:18,667 --> 01:27:20,100
Hey, Beth, um, the nurse
told me that moving Emily

1894
01:27:20,102 --> 01:27:21,768
could be a very bad idea.

1895
01:27:21,770 --> 01:27:23,470
Well, Northwestern told us it could be very good.

1896
01:27:23,472 --> 01:27:24,771
Well, they don't see her, this nurse sees her

1897
01:27:24,773 --> 01:27:26,440
and she told me herself.

1898
01:27:26,442 --> 01:27:27,741
That's okay, Kumail, they don't need to see her.

1899
01:27:27,743 --> 01:27:29,843
No, it's not okay! There.

1900
01:27:29,845 --> 01:27:31,077
- That's...
- I got it.

1901
01:27:31,079 --> 01:27:33,447
That's a map of the garage.

1902
01:27:34,949 --> 01:27:36,516
Don't...

1903
01:27:36,518 --> 01:27:38,151
Wait, wait, wait.

1904
01:27:38,153 --> 01:27:39,820
You want to be responsible?!

1905
01:27:39,822 --> 01:27:42,122
Huh?!

1906
01:27:42,124 --> 01:27:43,990
She could die!

1907
01:27:43,992 --> 01:27:45,592
Kumail,

1908
01:27:45,594 --> 01:27:48,695
we're responsible for her no matter what.

1909
01:27:48,697 --> 01:27:50,664
We're her parents.

1910
01:27:50,666 --> 01:27:52,065
Now, I'm sorry, we're moving her.

1911
01:28:02,845 --> 01:28:04,044
Welcome to quick 'n hot.

1912
01:28:04,046 --> 01:28:05,846
Can I take your order please?

1913
01:28:05,848 --> 01:28:09,683
Yeah, um, can I get a burger
with four slices of cheese?

1914
01:28:09,685 --> 01:28:11,551
Four burgers.
Anything else, sir?

1915
01:28:11,553 --> 01:28:14,654
No, one burger with four slices of cheese.

1916
01:28:16,591 --> 01:28:18,158
One...

1917
01:28:18,160 --> 01:28:19,926
- One burger with four slice...
- I'm sorry,

1918
01:28:19,928 --> 01:28:21,194
we can't do that.

1919
01:28:21,196 --> 01:28:23,797
Just put four slices of cheese

1920
01:28:23,799 --> 01:28:25,098
on a burger.

1921
01:28:25,100 --> 01:28:26,533
We can't do that.
There's no button...

1922
01:28:26,535 --> 01:28:27,968
Who the fuck is this "we," man?!

1923
01:28:27,970 --> 01:28:30,036
Who the fuck is this "we"?!
It's me and you!

1924
01:28:30,038 --> 01:28:31,271
We're just people!

1925
01:28:31,273 --> 01:28:32,672
Fucking listen to me!

1926
01:28:32,674 --> 01:28:34,040
Fuck this corporate entity!

1927
01:28:34,042 --> 01:28:36,643
Put four slices of cheese

1928
01:28:36,645 --> 01:28:39,513
on the fucking burger!

1929
01:28:42,049 --> 01:28:43,617
- We can't do that.
- What the fuck?!

1930
01:28:43,619 --> 01:28:46,186
You fucking idiot! Hey!

1931
01:28:46,188 --> 01:28:48,154
Hey, look at me, look at me.

1932
01:28:48,156 --> 01:28:50,690
'Cause I'm a human being, you
are a human being. Look at me!

1933
01:28:50,692 --> 01:28:52,559
Look me in the eyes when you fuck me!

1934
01:28:52,561 --> 01:28:53,760
Look at me!

1935
01:28:53,762 --> 01:28:55,161
Please!

1936
01:28:55,163 --> 01:28:56,663
Today's my first day.

1937
01:28:56,665 --> 01:28:57,864
Fuck you!

1938
01:29:07,975 --> 01:29:09,276
I'll just ring you up

1939
01:29:09,278 --> 01:29:10,977
for four burgers.

1940
01:29:13,248 --> 01:29:14,881
I'm sorry.

1941
01:29:14,883 --> 01:29:17,751
Do you want any fries or drink with that?

1942
01:29:19,821 --> 01:29:21,321
I'll take four fries.

1943
01:29:22,657 --> 01:29:26,059
I'm sorry.

1944
01:29:46,782 --> 01:29:48,682
Your life dramatically.

1945
01:29:48,684 --> 01:29:51,885
Um, so, then I started keeping this journal.

1946
01:29:51,887 --> 01:29:53,987
And the journal is, like, you know,

1947
01:29:53,989 --> 01:29:57,857
me overcompensating and trying to act like

1948
01:29:57,859 --> 01:30:00,594
I'm living this, like, cool,
rock-and-roll lifestyle.

1949
01:30:01,897 --> 01:30:03,997
When, in reality, I'm in third grade,

1950
01:30:03,999 --> 01:30:05,732
crying all the time.

1951
01:30:05,734 --> 01:30:08,735
Hey, man, Montreal finals... you ready?

1952
01:30:08,737 --> 01:30:10,770
Oh, wait, are you getting all,
like, dark and moody

1953
01:30:10,772 --> 01:30:12,238
before your set?

1954
01:30:12,240 --> 01:30:15,241
Yeah, punish yourself like a nasty, little baby.

1955
01:30:15,243 --> 01:30:18,311
Okay, okay, I am not in the mood, okay, Chris?

1956
01:30:18,313 --> 01:30:20,080
I'll get you in the mood.

1957
01:30:20,082 --> 01:30:22,182
- You all right?
- I'll get you all in the mood!

1958
01:30:22,184 --> 01:30:23,917
Why is everybody saying the same fucking thing?

1959
01:30:23,919 --> 01:30:25,185
- Yeah, I decide...
- Dude, are you all right?

1960
01:30:25,187 --> 01:30:26,853
Yeah, I'm doing great.

1961
01:30:26,855 --> 01:30:28,788
Okay, all right, dude, I'm just checking on you.

1962
01:30:28,790 --> 01:30:30,991
It would have stuff like, you know, like,

1963
01:30:30,993 --> 01:30:33,193
an in-unit washer and dryer...

1964
01:30:34,863 --> 01:30:36,129
The fuck have you been, man?

1965
01:30:36,131 --> 01:30:37,330
You're on next.

1966
01:30:37,332 --> 01:30:38,732
Okay, okay.

1967
01:30:40,002 --> 01:30:41,901
Thank you, guys. I love you.

1968
01:30:43,805 --> 01:30:45,138
Hello?

1969
01:30:45,140 --> 01:30:46,973
Kumail, is that you?

1970
01:30:46,975 --> 01:30:48,942
- Yeah.
- It's Terry.

1971
01:30:48,944 --> 01:30:51,277
Uh, listen, we're not moving her.

1972
01:30:51,279 --> 01:30:52,846
The doctor...

1973
01:31:09,897 --> 01:31:12,257
Have you guys heard of this new
drug cocktail called cheese?

1974
01:31:13,835 --> 01:31:16,302
Like, that's the name of it, it's called cheese.

1975
01:31:16,304 --> 01:31:19,205
Um... I saw all these news
reports, and they were like,

1976
01:31:19,207 --> 01:31:21,941
"there's a new drug, it's called cheese.

1977
01:31:21,943 --> 01:31:24,744
Everyone's doing it in the
Midwest, kids are doing it."

1978
01:31:32,086 --> 01:31:34,120
It's just really hard to do stand-up comedy

1979
01:31:34,122 --> 01:31:35,989
when your girlfriend is in a coma.

1980
01:31:37,426 --> 01:31:39,426
Uh...

1981
01:31:39,428 --> 01:31:42,696
Not quite sure what part you were laughing at.

1982
01:31:45,299 --> 01:31:46,833
They say she's fighting,
but she doesn't look like

1983
01:31:46,835 --> 01:31:49,102
she's fighting, she looks like she's just...

1984
01:31:49,104 --> 01:31:50,664
She looks like she's just laying there.

1985
01:31:52,474 --> 01:31:56,309
I said horrible things to her, and, um,

1986
01:31:56,311 --> 01:31:59,412
I said horrible things to her,
I h... I hurt her.

1987
01:31:59,414 --> 01:32:01,247
Um...

1988
01:32:01,249 --> 01:32:03,083
She loves birds.

1989
01:32:03,085 --> 01:32:04,384
Like, she gets excited
every time she sees a bird.

1990
01:32:04,386 --> 01:32:05,785
She's like,

1991
01:32:05,787 --> 01:32:07,253
"look at this, it's a bird."

1992
01:32:07,255 --> 01:32:09,823
I'm always like, "yeah,
they're all over the place."

1993
01:32:09,825 --> 01:32:11,124
They're birds."

1994
01:32:11,126 --> 01:32:12,859
But she, like...

1995
01:32:12,861 --> 01:32:14,060
She likes that bird, you know?

1996
01:32:14,062 --> 01:32:16,730
Every bird she sees, she sees it.

1997
01:32:20,434 --> 01:32:24,904
Her dad just called and said
that they can't transfer her...

1998
01:32:26,308 --> 01:32:29,175
because the infection has reached her heart.

1999
01:32:31,746 --> 01:32:33,747
Uh...

2000
01:32:34,782 --> 01:32:36,082
Which...

2001
01:32:36,084 --> 01:32:40,386
Which means she...

2002
01:32:40,388 --> 01:32:42,522
which means she could die.

2003
01:32:49,764 --> 01:32:52,232
I don't know if you can hear me or not, but...

2004
01:32:55,236 --> 01:32:59,038
it would be really good if you pulled through.

2005
01:33:01,275 --> 01:33:05,211
If you have to go, you can go, but...

2006
01:33:05,213 --> 01:33:08,281
It would be really great if you stayed.

2007
01:33:08,283 --> 01:33:09,549
Uh...

2008
01:33:09,551 --> 01:33:14,020
And I'm really sorry for what I did, okay?

2009
01:33:46,287 --> 01:33:48,588
Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.

2010
01:33:48,590 --> 01:33:51,291
Dr. Singh, to the pharmacy.

2011
01:34:11,011 --> 01:34:13,346
Mom.

2012
01:34:13,348 --> 01:34:16,349
You're getting your tears all over me.

2013
01:34:16,351 --> 01:34:18,451
When am I gonna be able to feel my face?

2014
01:34:18,453 --> 01:34:20,019
Hmm.

2015
01:34:20,021 --> 01:34:21,855
Hey, you gave us quite a scare there, scout.

2016
01:34:21,857 --> 01:34:23,122
- Really.
- Scout?

2017
01:34:23,124 --> 01:34:24,457
Come on, I call you that all the time.

2018
01:34:24,459 --> 01:34:27,026
- No, not since I was a grown-up.
- Yes, I do.

2019
01:34:27,028 --> 01:34:28,668
I've been calling you that my whole life.

2020
01:34:29,598 --> 01:34:30,997
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

2021
01:34:30,999 --> 01:34:32,398
Oh.

2022
01:34:32,400 --> 01:34:34,267
- Sorry, hon.
- What's happening?

2023
01:34:34,269 --> 01:34:36,636
- You okay, you all right?
- What is that crap?

2024
01:34:36,638 --> 01:34:38,471
We have to thicken your liquids for a bit.

2025
01:34:38,473 --> 01:34:40,440
Your esophagus isn't strong
enough to swallow yet.

2026
01:34:40,442 --> 01:34:41,641
That shit tastes like semen.

2027
01:34:41,643 --> 01:34:43,343
That's nice

2028
01:34:43,345 --> 01:34:45,445
- for a father to hear.
- She won't have

2029
01:34:45,447 --> 01:34:47,580
any social inhibitions until
the... the anesthetic wears off.

2030
01:34:47,582 --> 01:34:49,180
- No, wait a minute, honey.
- Stop saying that.

2031
01:34:49,182 --> 01:34:50,650
Seriously, mom, you should try this.

2032
01:34:50,652 --> 01:34:53,186
Oh, come on, come on, come on.

2033
01:34:53,188 --> 01:34:56,322
They'll charge us $48 for it,
don't worry about it.

2034
01:34:57,925 --> 01:34:59,993
Why are you here?

2035
01:34:59,995 --> 01:35:01,427
I.. I haven't heard her voice in awhile.

2036
01:35:01,429 --> 01:35:03,563
He's been, he's been here the whole time.

2037
01:35:03,565 --> 01:35:06,199
Could I speak with you both... outside?

2038
01:35:06,201 --> 01:35:07,500
Yeah.

2039
01:35:07,502 --> 01:35:09,168
We'll be right back.

2040
01:35:09,170 --> 01:35:10,904
- Yeah, we'll be right outside.
- All right.

2041
01:35:16,510 --> 01:35:19,512
Hey.

2042
01:35:19,514 --> 01:35:20,914
Emily has a rare condition called

2043
01:35:20,916 --> 01:35:23,182
adult-onset still's disease.

2044
01:35:23,184 --> 01:35:26,319
Kumail mentioned Emily's hurt ankle,

2045
01:35:26,321 --> 01:35:28,121
and the swelling still hadn't gone down

2046
01:35:28,123 --> 01:35:29,689
even after several days in bed,

2047
01:35:29,691 --> 01:35:32,091
- which is strange.
- Mm.

2048
01:35:32,093 --> 01:35:34,460
Still's disease is when the body
thinks healthy tissue

2049
01:35:34,462 --> 01:35:37,230
is an infection so it tries to fight it.

2050
01:35:37,232 --> 01:35:40,667
- Uh-huh.
- It's like a big biological misunderstanding.

2051
01:35:40,669 --> 01:35:42,468
- Yeah, yeah.
- So,

2052
01:35:42,470 --> 01:35:45,171
we gave her anti-inflammatories
and she stabilized within hours.

2053
01:35:45,173 --> 01:35:47,440
She's gonna take time to recover,

2054
01:35:47,442 --> 01:35:49,375
but she'll be fine.

2055
01:35:49,377 --> 01:35:51,477
- Wow.
- Full recovery.

2056
01:35:51,479 --> 01:35:54,714
What are you doing here?

2057
01:35:54,716 --> 01:35:56,215
I was visiting someone down the hall,

2058
01:35:56,217 --> 01:35:57,583
and I was, like, I'll just pop in

2059
01:35:57,585 --> 01:35:59,218
- and say hi to Emily.
- Oh.

2060
01:35:59,220 --> 01:36:02,088
Oh, I'm joking.
I'm here for you.

2061
01:36:02,090 --> 01:36:05,525
You're an asshole, and I don't like you.

2062
01:36:05,527 --> 01:36:08,494
I'm not an asshole.
I'm really not.

2063
01:36:08,496 --> 01:36:10,463
- Oh, no, you're an asshole.
- You have a lot of drugs in you,

2064
01:36:10,465 --> 01:36:12,365
so you're, like, not thinking as clearly.

2065
01:36:12,367 --> 01:36:15,401
No, dawg, I'm not joking.

2066
01:36:15,403 --> 01:36:17,637
You're not funny to me.

2067
01:36:17,639 --> 01:36:19,272
You just make me sad.

2068
01:36:19,274 --> 01:36:21,541
You make me sad inside of my heart,

2069
01:36:21,543 --> 01:36:23,176
and it makes me sad to look at you.

2070
01:36:23,178 --> 01:36:28,281
So I think you should probably go.

2071
01:36:28,283 --> 01:36:32,151
Just go, and tell my mom I want her.

2072
01:36:34,088 --> 01:36:36,356
Will you please get my mom?

2073
01:36:40,094 --> 01:36:42,228
- I'm so sorry about that.
- Yeah, it's fine. Yeah.

2074
01:36:43,564 --> 01:36:45,498
Um, Emily wants to see you.

2075
01:36:45,500 --> 01:36:47,100
Oh.

2076
01:36:48,669 --> 01:36:51,237
Um, I'm gonna head out.

2077
01:36:51,239 --> 01:36:53,406
I don't think I should be here.

2078
01:36:53,408 --> 01:36:56,009
Uh, Kumail, here's the thing.

2079
01:36:56,011 --> 01:36:58,745
Your living condition, it's, uh...

2080
01:36:58,747 --> 01:37:02,148
It's a potential health risk.

2081
01:37:02,150 --> 01:37:04,317
And you're not that funny.

2082
01:37:04,319 --> 01:37:08,588
But you're probably not suited
to do anything else either,

2083
01:37:08,590 --> 01:37:10,690
so that's troublesome.

2084
01:37:10,692 --> 01:37:12,225
You really made it sound like you were gonna

2085
01:37:12,227 --> 01:37:14,494
say something positive there.

2086
01:37:14,496 --> 01:37:16,496
Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I?

2087
01:37:16,498 --> 01:37:20,233
Well, you know...

2088
01:37:20,235 --> 01:37:21,801
You know I know the good stuff.

2089
01:37:21,803 --> 01:37:23,102
I know the good stuff.

2090
01:37:23,104 --> 01:37:24,537
I don't know, so you know...

2091
01:37:24,539 --> 01:37:26,672
You know how I feel. I got to...

2092
01:37:26,674 --> 01:37:28,674
- I got to get in.
- Yeah.

2093
01:37:31,712 --> 01:37:33,279
What'd I miss? What'd I miss?

2094
01:37:33,281 --> 01:37:35,048
Brick on top of the grilled cheese and...

2095
01:37:35,050 --> 01:37:36,382
Yeah.

2096
01:37:36,384 --> 01:37:38,217
Yeah, I want that.

2097
01:37:38,219 --> 01:37:40,586
- Be right back.
- Bacon or something...

2098
01:37:43,057 --> 01:37:45,158
- Hey.
- Hey.

2099
01:37:45,160 --> 01:37:47,527
So you're gonna hang around Chicago for a while?

2100
01:37:47,529 --> 01:37:48,728
Yeah.

2101
01:37:48,730 --> 01:37:51,564
- She's got physical therapy.
- Oh.

2102
01:37:51,566 --> 01:37:53,633
Did you ever think you'd be excited

2103
01:37:53,635 --> 01:37:58,204
to have your daughter
go through physical therapy?

2104
01:37:58,206 --> 01:37:59,405
It's so strange that we could go through

2105
01:37:59,407 --> 01:38:01,340
one of the most intense experiences

2106
01:38:01,342 --> 01:38:03,242
of our lives together and just...

2107
01:38:03,244 --> 01:38:06,512
Just never see each other again.

2108
01:38:06,514 --> 01:38:08,114
Maybe.

2109
01:38:12,386 --> 01:38:14,687
But I hope not.

2110
01:38:27,768 --> 01:38:29,502
Threw a bird at you and then ran away,

2111
01:38:29,504 --> 01:38:30,703
and you're, like, "oh, crap!"

2112
01:38:30,705 --> 01:38:31,804
I own a bird now!"

2113
01:38:31,806 --> 01:38:34,240
Hi, little sad man.

2114
01:38:34,242 --> 01:38:35,508
Mopey boy.

2115
01:38:35,510 --> 01:38:37,610
- Hey.
- We have something to tell you.

2116
01:38:37,612 --> 01:38:38,878
Yes. Tell him.

2117
01:38:38,880 --> 01:38:40,813
- We're moving to New York.
- New York.

2118
01:38:40,815 --> 01:38:42,181
- What?
- Mm-hmm.

2119
01:38:42,183 --> 01:38:43,783
And we want you to come with us.

2120
01:38:43,785 --> 01:38:45,585
Are you serious?

2121
01:38:45,587 --> 01:38:47,253
You got to do it.
It's gonna suck at first,

2122
01:38:47,255 --> 01:38:49,253
- and maybe we'll eventually get paid to write jokes.
- Mm-hmm.

2123
01:38:49,255 --> 01:38:50,456
But we're gonna have each other,

2124
01:38:50,458 --> 01:38:52,291
It's gonna be the best.
Come on, dude.

2125
01:38:52,293 --> 01:38:54,794
You have to come.
I know you did not

2126
01:38:54,796 --> 01:38:57,130
get Montreal, and that is only because

2127
01:38:57,132 --> 01:38:59,765
you did one of the worst sets I've ever seen

2128
01:38:59,767 --> 01:39:01,601
in my goddamn life.

2129
01:39:01,603 --> 01:39:03,169
- Yeah.
- It was nonsense.

2130
01:39:03,171 --> 01:39:04,570
A living disgrace.

2131
01:39:04,572 --> 01:39:07,306
I would call it shit, but I would be worried

2132
01:39:07,308 --> 01:39:09,809
that I'd be insulting actual shit.

2133
01:39:09,811 --> 01:39:12,411
Yeah, it was so bone-chilling to me,

2134
01:39:12,413 --> 01:39:15,181
I thought a ghost had passed right through me.

2135
01:39:15,183 --> 01:39:16,182
We don't have to keep going over

2136
01:39:16,184 --> 01:39:17,283
how bad the set was.

2137
01:39:17,285 --> 01:39:18,484
I saw their faces

2138
01:39:18,486 --> 01:39:19,819
and the noises they didn't make.

2139
01:39:19,821 --> 01:39:21,487
I felt one of my eggs die.

2140
01:39:21,489 --> 01:39:22,755
Doesn't that happen, like, every month?

2141
01:39:22,757 --> 01:39:24,724
It happens every month, Kumail,

2142
01:39:24,726 --> 01:39:28,528
but I don't always feel it and go.

2143
01:39:31,499 --> 01:39:33,699
- And that's what you made me do.
- Yeah.

2144
01:39:33,701 --> 01:39:37,170
I'm packing my things up,
and I'm moving to New York,

2145
01:39:37,172 --> 01:39:39,906
and guess what, baby.
You're coming with me.

2146
01:39:39,908 --> 01:39:41,274
What about Chris?

2147
01:39:41,276 --> 01:39:42,341
Have you ever seen a pigeon

2148
01:39:42,343 --> 01:39:43,676
try and pick up another pigeon?

2149
01:39:43,678 --> 01:39:45,678
He will be fine.

2150
01:39:45,680 --> 01:39:48,347
There's not enough room in the car, probably.

2151
01:39:48,349 --> 01:39:50,183
We leave in a week. All right?

2152
01:39:50,185 --> 01:39:52,285
And I already called shotgun,
Chicago to Pittsburgh.

2153
01:39:52,287 --> 01:39:53,319
Do not fuck this up.

2154
01:39:53,321 --> 01:39:54,754
Your destiny awaits.

2155
01:39:54,756 --> 01:39:56,389
This'll be the biggest move of your life,

2156
01:39:56,391 --> 01:39:58,357
other than the one from Pakistan.

2157
01:39:58,359 --> 01:40:00,593
Yeah.

2158
01:40:00,595 --> 01:40:02,461
I didn't have any kind of epiphany or anything...

2159
01:40:02,463 --> 01:40:04,297
Hey, clink, clink, clink,

2160
01:40:04,299 --> 01:40:05,498
clink, clink.

2161
01:40:05,500 --> 01:40:06,699
Hey, everybody.

2162
01:40:06,701 --> 01:40:07,867
Thank you for coming.

2163
01:40:07,869 --> 01:40:09,669
I just want to say a couple, uh...

2164
01:40:09,671 --> 01:40:11,637
A couple of words here.

2165
01:40:11,639 --> 01:40:13,673
Mom, why is Kumail here?

2166
01:40:13,675 --> 01:40:15,875
'Cause he was there the whole time, you know.

2167
01:40:15,877 --> 01:40:19,679
I invited the nurses, I invited him.

2168
01:40:19,681 --> 01:40:21,447
And, um, for...

2169
01:40:21,449 --> 01:40:23,747
- I want to say something. I want to say something.
- Dad.

2170
01:40:23,749 --> 01:40:25,418
Emily, come on up, come on up here.

2171
01:40:25,420 --> 01:40:26,586
Talk amongst yourselves.

2172
01:40:26,588 --> 01:40:29,455
This might take a...

2173
01:40:29,457 --> 01:40:32,225
Emily successfully peeled an orange this morning.

2174
01:40:32,227 --> 01:40:33,793
- Dad!
- Yeah.

2175
01:40:33,795 --> 01:40:35,561
It was... it was a Clementine.

2176
01:40:35,563 --> 01:40:37,597
Full disclosure, a Clementine.

2177
01:40:37,599 --> 01:40:39,665
It's those little ones that, you know,

2178
01:40:39,667 --> 01:40:41,801
a baby monkey could peel it,

2179
01:40:41,803 --> 01:40:43,903
but, uh, but she did it.

2180
01:40:43,905 --> 01:40:46,405
And-and yeah, so that's all.
We just...

2181
01:40:46,407 --> 01:40:48,674
Thank you, everybody. Hey...

2182
01:40:50,845 --> 01:40:52,345
Hi.

2183
01:40:54,615 --> 01:40:56,916
I like your cane.

2184
01:40:56,918 --> 01:40:59,318
- I heard pimpin' ain't easy.
- Right.

2185
01:40:59,320 --> 01:41:01,754
Hey, could we talk for a second?

2186
01:41:01,756 --> 01:41:03,789
Sure.

2187
01:41:08,295 --> 01:41:10,396
So I've been collecting some things, uh,

2188
01:41:10,398 --> 01:41:11,731
that are important to me,

2189
01:41:11,733 --> 01:41:14,433
and I wanted to show them to you.

2190
01:41:14,435 --> 01:41:16,602
I call this my bag of devotion.

2191
01:41:18,772 --> 01:41:23,709
Uh, so this is, uh, all the visitor passes

2192
01:41:23,711 --> 01:41:26,612
from when I visited you when you were in the,

2193
01:41:26,614 --> 01:41:28,514
um...

2194
01:41:35,589 --> 01:41:39,325
So... these are the tickets

2195
01:41:39,327 --> 01:41:41,727
from when your parents came to see me perform,

2196
01:41:41,729 --> 01:41:44,797
and, uh, I... I realized how great they are,

2197
01:41:44,799 --> 01:41:48,701
and how great you are,

2198
01:41:48,703 --> 01:41:51,871
and how great honesty is.

2199
01:41:54,641 --> 01:41:56,475
What did you do?

2200
01:41:56,477 --> 01:41:58,878
Did you cremate someone?

2201
01:41:58,880 --> 01:42:02,081
These are the ashes of all the Pakistani women...

2202
01:42:02,083 --> 01:42:06,485
Not the women... the pictures
of the Pakistani women.

2203
01:42:06,487 --> 01:42:10,523
I thought this was a good idea,
and it feels kind of...

2204
01:42:10,525 --> 01:42:12,525
It feels a little stupid.

2205
01:42:21,101 --> 01:42:25,338
I know I was a terrible boyfriend...

2206
01:42:25,340 --> 01:42:27,073
But I have changed.

2207
01:42:27,075 --> 01:42:28,941
And I am the person you need me to be.

2208
01:42:28,943 --> 01:42:30,743
I really am.

2209
01:42:30,745 --> 01:42:33,846
So...

2210
01:42:33,848 --> 01:42:36,615
Will you take me back?

2211
01:42:37,818 --> 01:42:41,587
Kumail, I'm really glad that you...

2212
01:42:41,589 --> 01:42:45,758
Went through this experience...

2213
01:42:45,760 --> 01:42:47,360
But you have to understand that

2214
01:42:47,362 --> 01:42:49,995
that all happened when I was asleep.

2215
01:42:49,997 --> 01:42:53,666
Like, you felt one way a few weeks ago,

2216
01:42:53,668 --> 01:42:56,035
and now you're saying you feel
the total opposite way.

2217
01:42:56,037 --> 01:42:57,103
And the only thing that's changed

2218
01:42:57,105 --> 01:42:58,971
is that I was in a coma.

2219
01:42:58,973 --> 01:43:01,374
Honestly, I-I...

2220
01:43:01,376 --> 01:43:04,410
I look at all of this, and I just think,

2221
01:43:04,412 --> 01:43:06,145
you know, I just can't do it again.

2222
01:43:06,147 --> 01:43:08,114
- And I can't...
- I...

2223
01:43:08,116 --> 01:43:11,117
I can't be the reason
that you don't have a family.

2224
01:43:16,156 --> 01:43:18,758
It just feels totally different now.

2225
01:43:18,760 --> 01:43:21,560
And I can't do that again.

2226
01:43:23,430 --> 01:43:25,164
Do you understand?

2227
01:43:29,403 --> 01:43:30,736
- Okay.
- Okay?

2228
01:43:30,738 --> 01:43:32,772
Okay.

2229
01:44:43,044 --> 01:44:44,210
Sorry.

2230
01:44:44,212 --> 01:44:46,078
Ma.

2231
01:44:46,080 --> 01:44:48,481
Dad.

2232
01:44:48,483 --> 01:44:49,982
Fatima. Bhai. Kya haal hai?

2233
01:44:49,984 --> 01:44:53,052
Oh, there's no plate.

2234
01:44:55,055 --> 01:44:56,989
Oh.

2235
01:44:58,158 --> 01:45:00,659
Oh, I forgot, um, I've decided

2236
01:45:00,661 --> 01:45:02,795
I won't let you kick me out of the family.

2237
01:45:02,797 --> 01:45:04,697
Since I'm a member of the family,

2238
01:45:04,699 --> 01:45:06,565
it would stand to reason that I would get a vote

2239
01:45:06,567 --> 01:45:08,501
in whether or not I get kicked out,

2240
01:45:08,503 --> 01:45:10,669
and that vote would have to be unanimous...

2241
01:45:10,671 --> 01:45:12,104
Standard parliamentary procedure.

2242
01:45:12,106 --> 01:45:15,541
So, all those in favor of not kicking Kumail

2243
01:45:15,543 --> 01:45:19,812
out of the family, raise your hand.

2244
01:45:19,814 --> 01:45:23,015
Great. Motion to kick Kumail
out of the family denied.

2245
01:45:23,017 --> 01:45:25,150
So you guys can just talk to me.

2246
01:45:26,753 --> 01:45:30,022
Okay, you're giving me the silent treatment.

2247
01:45:30,024 --> 01:45:32,658
I figured that was what was gonna happen.

2248
01:45:32,660 --> 01:45:34,093
I have a solution.

2249
01:45:34,095 --> 01:45:36,929
So, "hi, how are you?"

2250
01:45:36,931 --> 01:45:38,998
That's just a real basic one.
You know.

2251
01:45:39,000 --> 01:45:42,535
"Pass the salt." Practical.

2252
01:45:44,038 --> 01:45:45,938
"Always with the comedy."

2253
01:45:45,940 --> 01:45:49,775
Mom, made that one specially for you.

2254
01:45:49,777 --> 01:45:53,012
"Kumail, how did you become so much more handsome

2255
01:45:53,014 --> 01:45:54,813
than your brother Naveed?"

2256
01:45:54,815 --> 01:45:57,116
Bullshit.

2257
01:46:00,854 --> 01:46:02,187
I admit, this one is designed

2258
01:46:02,189 --> 01:46:05,991
to stir up some controversy.

2259
01:46:05,993 --> 01:46:07,293
"It's interesting how you can't really

2260
01:46:07,295 --> 01:46:10,229
"kick someone out of your family, because

2261
01:46:10,231 --> 01:46:14,233
they will always be your family."

2262
01:46:14,235 --> 01:46:15,968
I agree with that one.

2263
01:46:15,970 --> 01:46:17,336
That's a good one.

2264
01:46:17,338 --> 01:46:22,141
So, I'm gonna leave these here for you.

2265
01:46:27,147 --> 01:46:29,248
I am sorry I lied about the girls

2266
01:46:29,250 --> 01:46:31,083
and the LSAT and all that.

2267
01:46:31,085 --> 01:46:32,318
That was wrong.

2268
01:46:32,320 --> 01:46:34,086
And one more thing.

2269
01:46:34,088 --> 01:46:37,790
I'm moving to New York to pursue stand-up,

2270
01:46:37,792 --> 01:46:41,627
but I am not leaving this family.

2271
01:47:00,847 --> 01:47:04,650
My parents, um, they want
me to get arranged marriage.

2272
01:47:04,652 --> 01:47:08,053
Or, as it's, uh, called in Pakistan, romance!

2273
01:47:08,055 --> 01:47:10,222
And earlier today, I told them everything.

2274
01:47:10,224 --> 01:47:14,026
I told them about my life,
I told them about Emily.

2275
01:47:14,028 --> 01:47:16,895
They kicked me out of the family.

2276
01:47:16,897 --> 01:47:18,897
I may never talk to them again.

2277
01:47:18,899 --> 01:47:20,899
So that happened.

2278
01:47:20,901 --> 01:47:23,802
- What is it?
- Can I come in?

2279
01:47:23,804 --> 01:47:25,838
Okay.

2280
01:47:25,840 --> 01:47:28,807
I swear, you and dad are just
like my freshman year roommate,

2281
01:47:28,809 --> 01:47:31,110
but instead of just, like, boning random dudes,

2282
01:47:31,112 --> 01:47:33,946
you're just parenting all the time.

2283
01:47:33,948 --> 01:47:36,215
All over the place.

2284
01:47:36,217 --> 01:47:38,884
In every room of the house.

2285
01:47:38,886 --> 01:47:40,686
Including right next to me.

2286
01:47:43,690 --> 01:47:45,891
We got to go.

2287
01:47:45,893 --> 01:47:47,660
Home?

2288
01:47:47,662 --> 01:47:48,994
- No.
- Yeah.

2289
01:47:48,996 --> 01:47:50,262
It's time.

2290
01:47:51,665 --> 01:47:53,198
I'm not ready.

2291
01:47:53,200 --> 01:47:54,900
Yeah, you know what?

2292
01:47:54,902 --> 01:47:56,201
You're strong.

2293
01:47:56,203 --> 01:47:59,972
And you are.

2294
01:48:02,676 --> 01:48:05,144
And we would go to the mosque
and hear graphic details

2295
01:48:05,146 --> 01:48:07,846
of religious people being killed 1,400 years ago.

2296
01:48:07,848 --> 01:48:11,183
I mean like, Tarantino-esque details,

2297
01:48:11,185 --> 01:48:12,685
and everyone would be crying,

2298
01:48:12,687 --> 01:48:15,688
like, competing to see who could cry the hardest.

2299
01:48:15,690 --> 01:48:17,756
And I could never cry.

2300
01:48:17,758 --> 01:48:19,992
And I was like, what is wrong
with me? Am I broken?

2301
01:48:19,994 --> 01:48:21,360
The only time I've cried that much

2302
01:48:21,362 --> 01:48:24,029
is during the first 15 minutes of up.

2303
01:48:25,866 --> 01:48:27,766
This is a picture of me and my mother.

2304
01:48:27,768 --> 01:48:29,368
I'm seven years old.

2305
01:48:29,370 --> 01:48:32,371
You know people, they talk
about the, the New York water.

2306
01:48:32,373 --> 01:48:34,473
Chicago water is very underrated, I think.

2307
01:48:34,475 --> 01:48:35,941
It's good.

2308
01:48:35,943 --> 01:48:37,276
Hey, guys.

2309
01:48:37,278 --> 01:48:40,312
I think I might just pop out for a bit.

2310
01:48:40,314 --> 01:48:42,214
What, by yourself?

2311
01:48:42,216 --> 01:48:44,850
Yeah, just...
Hop around the block.

2312
01:48:44,852 --> 01:48:46,485
Maybe get some frozen yogurt.

2313
01:48:46,487 --> 01:48:47,853
You okay? Can you do it?

2314
01:48:47,855 --> 01:48:49,221
Can you walk by yourself?

2315
01:48:49,223 --> 01:48:50,989
- Yeah, dad.
- All right.

2316
01:48:50,991 --> 01:48:53,892
- Have fun.
- If you feel a coma coming on, call us.

2317
01:48:53,894 --> 01:48:56,428
- Dad, it's too soon.
- Right.

2318
01:48:56,430 --> 01:48:58,497
I love you, I'll see you in the morning.

2319
01:48:58,499 --> 01:48:59,898
Love you. - Okay. - Bye.

2320
01:48:59,900 --> 01:49:01,033
Love you. Bye.

2321
01:49:01,035 --> 01:49:02,434
- Have fun.
- I will.

2322
01:49:02,436 --> 01:49:04,002
- Got your phone?
- Yep.

2323
01:49:06,507 --> 01:49:08,807
- But you liked it, huh?
- Yeah.

2324
01:49:08,809 --> 01:49:11,009
I mean...

2325
01:49:11,011 --> 01:49:12,344
Yeah.

2326
01:49:12,346 --> 01:49:14,279
I mean...

2327
01:49:16,349 --> 01:49:18,484
Hey.

2328
01:49:18,486 --> 01:49:21,420
Hi.

2329
01:49:21,422 --> 01:49:23,822
- What are you doing here?
- Uh...

2330
01:49:23,824 --> 01:49:25,991
I was in the neighborhood, and I saw

2331
01:49:25,993 --> 01:49:28,127
that you were gonna be here, so...

2332
01:49:28,129 --> 01:49:30,496
I, I thought I'd come say hi.

2333
01:49:30,498 --> 01:49:32,331
You look great.

2334
01:49:32,333 --> 01:49:33,966
How's your blood oxygen level?

2335
01:49:33,968 --> 01:49:36,001
Oh, well within range.

2336
01:49:36,003 --> 01:49:37,903
Nice.

2337
01:49:40,006 --> 01:49:43,909
Um, this is my brother, Naveed.

2338
01:49:43,911 --> 01:49:46,011
- Hi. Hi.
- Hi. I'm Emily.

2339
01:49:46,013 --> 01:49:48,514
I've heard lots about you.

2340
01:49:48,516 --> 01:49:50,883
- It's so good to finally meet you.
- Yeah.

2341
01:49:52,485 --> 01:49:55,420
There's actually something I wanted to, uh,

2342
01:49:55,422 --> 01:49:57,089
tell you.

2343
01:50:00,193 --> 01:50:02,461
Okay, well, I'm gonna just...

2344
01:50:03,863 --> 01:50:05,464
- Good-bye.
- Bye.

2345
01:50:05,466 --> 01:50:08,167
See you, bhai.

2346
01:50:18,912 --> 01:50:21,313
Are you warm enough?

2347
01:50:21,315 --> 01:50:24,483
Yeah, yeah.
I got my two pairs of socks on.

2348
01:50:55,915 --> 01:50:57,916
Do you mind?

2349
01:50:59,953 --> 01:51:01,954
No.

2350
01:51:10,363 --> 01:51:13,332
I'm glad we're going home tomorrow.

2351
01:51:13,334 --> 01:51:15,500
Me, too.

2352
01:51:15,502 --> 01:51:19,605
See?
I should've brushed my teeth.

2353
01:51:19,607 --> 01:51:22,140
I like it.

2354
01:51:22,142 --> 01:51:24,009
When something like this happens,

2355
01:51:24,011 --> 01:51:26,111
there's this sort of expectation
that you're gonna

2356
01:51:26,113 --> 01:51:29,581
have this completely, like, new lease on life,

2357
01:51:29,583 --> 01:51:33,185
and... feel totally different about everything,

2358
01:51:33,187 --> 01:51:36,521
and, like, Cherish every sunrise,

2359
01:51:36,523 --> 01:51:39,324
and, like, for the most part,

2360
01:51:39,326 --> 01:51:42,127
I just feel like, ugh, I can't get up that early.

2361
01:51:42,129 --> 01:51:44,563
You know?

2362
01:51:46,966 --> 01:51:48,100
I-I'm sorry, I feel like I've been talking

2363
01:51:48,102 --> 01:51:49,434
- about myself so much.
- No...

2364
01:51:49,436 --> 01:51:51,436
Are you doing a lot of stand-up?

2365
01:51:51,438 --> 01:51:54,172
- Are you...
- Yeah. I, uh...

2366
01:51:54,174 --> 01:51:57,910
Bombed my Montreal comedy festival audition.

2367
01:51:57,912 --> 01:51:59,244
Like, horrifically, like...

2368
01:51:59,246 --> 01:52:02,180
I saw the video.

2369
01:52:02,182 --> 01:52:03,515
Yeah.

2370
01:52:03,517 --> 01:52:05,050
- It wasn't great.
- No... no.

2371
01:52:05,052 --> 01:52:06,285
I'll be honest with you,

2372
01:52:06,287 --> 01:52:07,552
- it wasn't great.
- No.

2373
01:52:07,554 --> 01:52:10,055
- I know.
- But there was a lot I liked.

2374
01:52:10,057 --> 01:52:12,658
Like a, like a lot I liked.

2375
01:52:17,130 --> 01:52:19,531
I'm moving to New York.

2376
01:52:21,935 --> 01:52:23,201
Really?

2377
01:52:23,203 --> 01:52:25,370
Yeah, um...

2378
01:52:25,372 --> 01:52:29,574
Mary and CJ and I are, like...

2379
01:52:29,576 --> 01:52:33,712
Just gonna drive out, and we
have a place all ready, and...

2380
01:52:35,248 --> 01:52:36,982
When do you leave?

2381
01:52:36,984 --> 01:52:38,483
Next weekend.

2382
01:52:38,485 --> 01:52:40,352
I, I'm so excited for you.

2383
01:52:40,354 --> 01:52:42,087
That is so great.

2384
01:52:42,089 --> 01:52:44,222
Like, you are going to do just...

2385
01:52:44,224 --> 01:52:47,426
Do so great in New York.

2386
01:52:49,462 --> 01:52:51,229
What were you gonna say?

2387
01:52:51,231 --> 01:52:53,732
What?

2388
01:52:53,734 --> 01:52:56,568
You said you were gonna say something to me.

2389
01:52:56,570 --> 01:52:58,370
What was it?

2390
01:53:00,440 --> 01:53:05,143
Oh, just that I, um, I wanted to thank you.

2391
01:53:05,145 --> 01:53:07,179
Uh, my parents told me
everything that you did for me,

2392
01:53:07,181 --> 01:53:09,481
and I feel like the last time we spoke,

2393
01:53:09,483 --> 01:53:11,049
I didn't properly thank you, so...

2394
01:53:11,051 --> 01:53:12,317
Oh.

2395
01:53:12,319 --> 01:53:13,685
Yeah.

2396
01:53:15,422 --> 01:53:16,555
Totally fine.

2397
01:53:16,557 --> 01:53:19,057
I should probably go.

2398
01:53:19,059 --> 01:53:22,127
- Do you want to call an Uber?
- No, I'm gonna walk, actually.

2399
01:53:22,129 --> 01:53:25,263
So, this has been really great.

2400
01:53:25,265 --> 01:53:26,665
All right.

2401
01:53:26,667 --> 01:53:28,266
Okay, bye.

2402
01:53:28,268 --> 01:53:29,768
Yeah.

2403
01:53:35,641 --> 01:53:38,477
The scene is gonna be, like,
so different with you guys gone.

2404
01:53:38,479 --> 01:53:41,513
Well, you should come out.

2405
01:53:41,515 --> 01:53:44,249
No, I'm, I'm good here.

2406
01:53:44,251 --> 01:53:46,218
- I'm gonna miss you.
- I'm gonna miss you.

2407
01:53:48,254 --> 01:53:50,389
- Get out of here, you assholes.
- All right.

2408
01:53:50,391 --> 01:53:52,290
Come here, you big dummy.

2409
01:53:53,494 --> 01:53:55,694
- Bye.
- I'll miss you.

2410
01:54:00,733 --> 01:54:03,568
You're still kicked out of the family.

2411
01:54:03,570 --> 01:54:05,570
But because we did not get a proper chance

2412
01:54:05,572 --> 01:54:07,506
to say bye to you, so...

2413
01:54:08,775 --> 01:54:11,276
Your mother is so angry with you.

2414
01:54:11,278 --> 01:54:12,778
She's not going to get out of the car,

2415
01:54:12,780 --> 01:54:15,080
she's not even going to look at you.

2416
01:54:15,082 --> 01:54:16,782
I don't believe that you kept so much a secret

2417
01:54:16,784 --> 01:54:18,483
from me, your father.

2418
01:54:18,485 --> 01:54:20,485
Sorry.

2419
01:54:20,487 --> 01:54:23,255
Here.

2420
01:54:23,257 --> 01:54:25,090
She asked me to give this to you.

2421
01:54:25,092 --> 01:54:26,391
Modern Biryani.

2422
01:54:26,393 --> 01:54:28,226
For your trip.

2423
01:54:28,228 --> 01:54:30,595
Your favorite.

2424
01:54:30,597 --> 01:54:33,765
She made it herself, specially
for you, with extra potatoes.

2425
01:54:35,468 --> 01:54:36,535
Thank you, ma!

2426
01:54:38,438 --> 01:54:40,605
- Is she okay?
- Right now?

2427
01:54:40,607 --> 01:54:42,340
No.

2428
01:54:42,342 --> 01:54:44,543
I'll miss you.

2429
01:54:44,545 --> 01:54:48,280
I'm forbidden from hugging you, so...

2430
01:54:48,282 --> 01:54:50,482
It was nice to have you as my son.

2431
01:54:52,351 --> 01:54:54,252
Good-bye forever.

2432
01:54:55,688 --> 01:54:57,656
And do me a favor, when you reach New York,

2433
01:54:57,658 --> 01:54:59,591
just text us

2434
01:54:59,593 --> 01:55:01,860
and tell us that you've reached safely, okay?

2435
01:55:03,262 --> 01:55:04,696
I will.

2436
01:55:04,698 --> 01:55:07,132
Dad, can I ask you something?

2437
01:55:08,401 --> 01:55:11,303
When you and mom went on your first date,

2438
01:55:11,305 --> 01:55:12,838
what movie did you see?

2439
01:55:12,840 --> 01:55:15,640
Satte pe satta.

2440
01:55:20,481 --> 01:55:22,180
Our favorite song.

2441
01:55:22,182 --> 01:55:24,649
Why you asking?

2442
01:55:24,651 --> 01:55:26,485
I was just curious.

2443
01:55:26,487 --> 01:55:28,487
Okay.

2444
01:55:45,838 --> 01:55:47,606
- Let's do it. - Let's do it.
- Okay. - All right.

2445
01:55:47,608 --> 01:55:49,608
- See you later, dudes.
- Let's do it. - See you.

2446
01:55:49,610 --> 01:55:51,877
- Hey, we'll text. - Ow.
- Ooh, sorry. - Yeah, please do.

2447
01:55:55,815 --> 01:55:59,851
So the first time I came
to America, I was, like, 14,

2448
01:55:59,853 --> 01:56:02,154
and I was just visiting my uncle in New York,

2449
01:56:02,156 --> 01:56:03,889
and it just happened to be Thanksgiving.

2450
01:56:03,891 --> 01:56:05,891
My first day in America, my uncle took me

2451
01:56:05,893 --> 01:56:08,827
to the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade.

2452
01:56:08,829 --> 01:56:12,898
And I was like, this is every day in America!

2453
01:56:12,900 --> 01:56:15,333
As advertised.

2454
01:56:15,335 --> 01:56:19,938
Every day, they have a party
celebrating Garfield.

2455
01:56:19,940 --> 01:56:22,874
No day has lived up to that day.

2456
01:56:22,876 --> 01:56:26,311
I was, uh, lying to my parents,

2457
01:56:26,313 --> 01:56:28,246
I was telling them I was gonna be a lawyer.

2458
01:56:28,248 --> 01:56:29,814
And they're very disappointed,

2459
01:56:29,816 --> 01:56:32,317
'cause they wanted me to be a doctor.

2460
01:56:32,319 --> 01:56:33,952
And you guys are like,
why didn't you just tell them

2461
01:56:33,954 --> 01:56:35,787
that you wanted to be a doctor?

2462
01:56:35,789 --> 01:56:38,356
It's a lie anyway, and I'm like,
well, it has to be believable.

2463
01:56:38,358 --> 01:56:40,258
If I told them "I want to be a doctor,"

2464
01:56:40,260 --> 01:56:41,760
they'd be like, "bullshit."

2465
01:56:41,762 --> 01:56:44,663
If I said "lawyer," they're like, "oh, okay.

2466
01:56:44,665 --> 01:56:46,264
That's something."

2467
01:56:46,266 --> 01:56:47,766
'Cause there's a strict hierarchy.

2468
01:56:47,768 --> 01:56:50,869
It's, doctor, engineer, lawyer,

2469
01:56:50,871 --> 01:56:52,971
hundreds of jobs,

2470
01:56:52,973 --> 01:56:56,241
Isis, then comedian.

2471
01:57:00,547 --> 01:57:03,248
Ah, I'm sorry.

2472
01:57:03,250 --> 01:57:05,383
It's very rude to heckle comedians.

2473
01:57:05,385 --> 01:57:06,651
Oh, that wasn't a heckle.

2474
01:57:06,653 --> 01:57:08,286
I just kind of whoo-hoo'd for you.

2475
01:57:08,288 --> 01:57:09,955
Well, see, that's a common misconception.

2476
01:57:09,957 --> 01:57:11,723
Heckling doesn't have to be negative.

2477
01:57:11,725 --> 01:57:14,659
So if I was like, "oh, my God,
you're amazing in bed!"

2478
01:57:14,661 --> 01:57:15,760
That would be a...

2479
01:57:15,762 --> 01:57:17,495
heckle?

2480
01:57:17,497 --> 01:57:19,564
Yeah, and now you're getting more laughs than me,

2481
01:57:19,566 --> 01:57:20,899
and I don't like that.

2482
01:57:20,901 --> 01:57:22,400
You want to come up, do my job?

2483
01:57:22,402 --> 01:57:23,702
Let's talk about...

2484
01:57:23,704 --> 01:57:25,704
So, are you from out of town, ma'am?

2485
01:57:25,706 --> 01:57:28,773
- Chicago.
- Ooh, windy city.

2486
01:57:28,775 --> 01:57:31,309
And what brings you to New York?

2487
01:57:31,311 --> 01:57:33,712
- Here to see someone.
- And, um...

2488
01:57:33,714 --> 01:57:36,414
Have you seen him?
Or her? I mean, I don't...

2489
01:57:36,416 --> 01:57:39,284
I don't know what your deal is, but...

2490
01:57:39,286 --> 01:57:41,653
Yeah, I've seen him.