What Do I Say?

>Everything within me feels as though it’s contradicting itself. My body wanted to run away but my hooves moved me forward, my body felt so hot that I was practically panting yet there was a cold shiver running down my spine, and my vision was a blur even though I could see the mare I came to meet clear as crystal. She was sitting on the bench waiting for me, not really looking around as she was so engrossed in her cigarette.
>Clearly she had tidied her hair into a bun in the morning but the events of the day had frayed a few ends. No make-up. No warmth. Despite that there was an elegance to her. Or maybe that wasn’t the right word. It was a kind of distance in nature, her own definition of dignity, and her self-esteem all at once. She wasn’t the proud type but she was resilient and it made me hesitate approaching her.
“Hey, mum,” I called softly as I took my seat across from her.
>Her eyes seemed pink and puffy, if only a little, had she been crying? No, that sounds an unlikely thing but she smiled and put out her cigarette.
>“Hello, dear, how are you?”
>I shrugged. Not much of an answer and internally I pushed myself to speak but something else held my tongue, demanding to hear her words before all others. She was waiting too, for me? Would we wait all afternoon for the other to make the first move. Again she smiled and shifted in her seat as some vague gesture that she was listening. I couldn’t, that will that wasn’t mine commanded me so.
>“I am sorry. For yelling, like I did.”
>Her words felt like a punch. Not because they were unpleasant but they had me taken so aback. Had I ever heard her apologise before? It was nice. I wanted to ask her to repeat herself but she continued.
>“I miss you being back home. The house is too quiet without you around, you know.”
>I shrugged.
>Mum let out a sigh.
>“Where have you been staying?”
“With friends.”
>“Are you eating?”
>I nodded.
>“That’s well then.”
>The compulsion to speak felt like I was a wind up toy, my key would turn and turn, the rising urge would build but would only keep building until I was let loose. It’s not as if I would never stop talking but how far would my words go if I ever let them go.
>“I’ll be honest,” Mum paused as she took a deep breath, “I need you, back home… I just need some help around the house. You know how it is. If you could see your way to coming back, even for a little while, then… I’m here for you and whatever you need. We’re family.”
>How do you tell someone what you want and how you feel when you aren’t sure yourself? Do you begin the sentence and hope to figure it out by the time you’ve stopped, or is it better to never give them an answer until you know what you need to know in order to tell them what needs to be said so your terms are known to all. The former seems the better option otherwise it’s likely to end up rambling in a confused state of mind.
>But how long will that take me? Is it okay to leave a conversation so open like that until I’ve worked things out. Actually, it was probably unfair to come here without at least an idea of what I want, let alone what I should say. Instead I’ve spent all this time apart wallowing on how I’ll ever be, “Okay.”
>“That’s wonderful, oh, I’m so happy to hear--come here,” says Mum while coming over to give me a hug.
>Her embrace made my skin crawl as I was reeling in a confused state of mind. Why was this happening? When did I agree to go back? Why did she always hug me like a brick wall? It felt too late. The wind in my sails I had conjured to make me speak and blown away and instead I was now being led by her.
>Stepping back in her house we were met by a stallion. Medium length black hair with a blue and yellow coat. He wasn’t a large man by any means but he did seem an imposing figure. He smiled while looking down at me. Was he appraising me or just curious about the one following after my mother?
>“This is Gil, do you think you could give him a hand with things?”
>I nodded.
>“That’s my baby,” she replied with a kiss on my forehead.
>“Bedroom is just through there, I’ll be in the lounge here if you need anything.
>She flashed a grin so wide I could count all her teeth then stepped away.