Dan VS. Equestria (WIP)

"Let me go!"
>Screams can be heard coming from inside the castle walls. Ponies outside hear and walk faster in fear of the screams.
"Let me out! This is against my rights! I am an American!"
>"Quiet, trespasser! You're not going anywhere till the princess decides what to do with you."
"Trespasser? You kidnapped me! And what princess?"
>At the moment, Princess Celestia strides through the doors to her throne room in all her technicolor glory.
>"I believe they were referring to me. I am Princess Celestia"
"Princess of what, kidnapping? You release me and maybe I won't put you on the lis- why are you a horse?"
>"I don't really like that kind of language here, but I'll excuse it. You're just now noticing that we're ponies?"
"To be honest I was focusing more on figuring out /why/ I was /kidnapped/ instead of by who."
>"Kidnapped? According to the guards who were trespassing"
"Well, according to /me/ I woke up here. Now if you don't mind LETTING ME GO, I'll be on my way."
>"Not yet, human. I don't know how, but you've somehow been transported to Equestria and For the safety of my kingdom, I must discuss how you shall go about residing here till we can transport you back."
"My /name/ is Dan. This is an outrage! I demand to speak to the king horse!"
>"Pony, and I'm afraid only I and three other princesses rule this land. I'll send the guards to get you something to eat while I meet with the others"
>Celestia turns and walks out of the throne room.
"You come back here you giant, rainbow-haired, person-thief. You here me? Come back!"

>"So if he's telling the truth, then he's only reacting to the new environment."
>"Reacting? Thou understates the situation. The commotion was loud enough to wake us from our slumber."
>"I apologize for that, sister, but we still need to find out what to do with him"
>"Princess Celestia?"
>"Yes, my student?"
>"What did you just call this 'Dan' thing?"
>"He is a human. They are creatures from a different realm. He has traveled a long way from home, and we should do our best to make him feel at home here until he is able to return."
>"But how do you know all of this?"
>"That is a conversation for another day, my faithful student. I propose that he stay with you, Twilight. As the princess of friendship, I hope that you ensure that he befriends the other ponies and is able to stay in our realm without too much trouble"
>"You can count on me, Princess Celsti-"
>"Stop! Somebody stop him"
>The princesses stop to look in the direction of the commotion
>"Catch him, quick!"
>The doors burst open, revealing an angry Dan in the middle, arms stretched out forward.
"YOU!"
>Dan leaps at Celestia, only to be stopped mid-air by Twilight's magic.
>"Hello, Dan. It's nice of you to pop in"
"Well you certainly made it hard by /trapping me/ in a /steel cage/!"
>"Princess Celestia!? How can you just sit there!?"
>"Calm down, Twilight. Dan is just scared."
"SCARED!? You kidnapped me!"
>"No, Dan, we did not. Apparently you were transported here. While we do not know how you got here, I ensure you that we will do out best to accommodate you here in our kingdom until we can find a way to send you back"
"Likely story!"
>"We are telling the truth. I apologize for enclosing you inside that cage, but I must be cautious in order to protect my kingdom"
"Likely story, Rainbow mane. I'm watching you"
>"Noted. You shall be staying with Twilight in her castle for as long as you're here"
"Which one of these hor-"
>Celestia shoots Dan a glare with all the intensity of the sun"
"Umm, which one of these /ponies/ is Twilight?"
>"That would be me."
>Twilight lowers Dan to the ground
"Okay, but if I find out something's wrong, you're all going on the list"
>"Very well. By the way, how did you get out of the cage?"
"If you think I can't chew my way through steel bars, you have a lot to learn about me"

>"...And here's where you'll by staying. Any questions?"
"Yes, I'm hungry. Where's the BurgerPhile?"
>"For the last time, Dan, we don't have a 'Burgerphile."
"No Burgerphile!? What is this world coming to?"
>"We can stop by the Hay Burger if you're really that hungry"
"HAY!?"
>"Hello!"
"Not funny. I don't eat hay. What do I look like, a horse?
>"Pony."
"Pony?"
>"Pony. I'm sure we can find something for you to eat somewhere in town"
"Thank you! You can keep the /hay/ to yourself."
>I am pretty hungry. Going into town will also help you get to know the other ponies"
"Finally! Lead the way, Nightlight"
>"It's Twilight"
"Okay, Purple, Smart. Lead the way"
>"Ugh"
>Ignoring the constant staring by the other ponies, they eventually made it to the Hay Burger
"You sure know how to put it down, Brightlight"
>"Twilight."
"Whatever"
>"How's the food?"
"I hate it. Why did I have to get salad? Where's the meat?"
"We're herbivores, Dan. We don't eat meat."
"No meat! That's it, where's the closest cow farm?"
>"Dan, you're not going to kill any cows"
"As far as you know" Dan mumbles
>"What?"
"Nothing."
>"Oookay. We should head back to the castle. It's time you met my friends"
"Lead on, Twilight,"
>"You got it right!"
"Whatever Spyflight"
>"Ughhh!"

"I swear I will burn it to the ground! I am /very/ good at starting fires"
>"Dan, enough!"
"What kind of burger place doesn't serve meat?"
>"The kind who's customers don't eat it"
"I- touche, Miss Sparkle, but this isn't over"
>"We're here, so can you please be quiet!"
>Dan and Twilight enter the castle to face the rest of Twilight's friends sitting around the table of FRIENDSHIP
>"Twilight!"
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7iv09RirHU
>"Hi girls!"
>"Uh, you okay there Twilight?"
>"I'm just fine, Applejack! It's not like I had to spend all day listening to complaint after complaint after-"
"Actually, you tuned out for most of it. You're listening skills are really bad"
>"AARGH!"
>"Twilight, who is, er, /what/ is that?"
>Twilight sighs as she regains her composure.
>"Girls, this is Dan. He just popped into Celestia's castle and now we have to take care of him till we can send him home."
>"Well howdy, Dan. I'm Applejack"
"So, What are you, a cowboy"
>"Aw shucks, no. I help run the farm over at Sweet Apple Acres. Best dang apples in Equestria."
"Ugh! I hate apples. Call me when you grow oranges"
>pic
>"Don't mind Applejack. Apples are just her thing. I'm Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in Ponyville"
"Dan. Nice to meet you Skittles"
>"Uh, what?"
"Nevermind, who else is here?"
>"That would be me, darling. I'm Rarity"
>Rarity looks over Dan's outfit
>"Well, your attire seems to have quite the, um, character. I assume you'll be needing more outfits while you're here however, and I'd be happy to design some-"
"No thanks"
>"No? Surely you can't be thinking about wearing the same outfit everyday."
"Why not? I do at home. I am supposed to feel at home here, right?"
>"Why o-of course. Well, if you ever change your mind, I'll have Twilight direct you to my boutique"
"Noted. Who's that?"
>"Oh, that's Fluttershy. Fluttershy, dear, say hello"
>Trembling, Fluttershy peaks out from the chair
>"Oh..Hi, I'm Fluttershy"
"Butterwhy?"
>"No...Flutershy"
"Okay. I know who's getting a megaphone for Christmas"
>"What's a Chirstmas?"
"You guys don't have Chirstmas!?"
>"Eeep!"
>Fluttershy dashes back behind a chair while Twilight shakes her head
>"Don't mind Fluttershy, she's just, shy. Last but not least, you'll need to meet-"
>"Hi Dan!"

"YOU!"
>"Me! Nice to see you again, Danny!"
"Don't you /dare/ call me Danny!"
>"Wait, you two know each other?"
>"Of course we do, Twilight! I helped Danny redecorate his car"
"You bedazzled my car! Without my permission!"
>"I thought you'd like a new look! You're car looked sad"
>"Pinkie, what's a car? Nevermind that, how do you know Dan?"
>"I told you, silly! We-"
>"I mean, he lives in another realm, how did you-"
"You're going to pay!"
>"Pay? If you need bits, ~you're gonna have to say please~"
"Aaargh! I've had enough of you! I'm leaving!"
>Dan exits but is stopped by Twilight
>"Dan, wait!"
"Why should I?"
>"I know you don't like a lot of things, but can you try to make some friends"
"Why should I? I don't know how long I'll be here, there's no meat, everyone keeps staring at me, and I miss Mr. Mumbles"
>"Who's Mr. Mumbles?"
"Nevermind that. I refuse to make friends"
>"You're gonna want to sooner or later. Everyone needs friends, even if they might have a bit of an attitude problem"
"Sure, Elise"
>"Who's Elise?"
"What is with all the questions!? Forget it, I'm going to my room"
>Dan walks into his room only to be started by the sound of Pinkie's confetti cannons
"What is the meaning of this!?"
>"I thought it's be best to get a head start on your 'Welcome to Equestria' party, so welcome to Equestria!"
"Get out of my room!"
>"Okie Dokie Lokie! See you later!"
>Pinkie Pie hops out of the room
"Stupid Pink horse with her confetti cannons. Stupid no meat serving technicolor horse land. Oh we're not horses, we're ponies! Like there's a difference- AHH!"
>Dan falls to the ground, covering his ears as Pinkie Pie enters the room
>"Oopsie!I forget I left an extra cannon in the closest. Catch you later, Danny"
"Ahh! That is it!"
>Dan raises his arms into the air
"EQUESTRIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Chris!"
>Twilight rubs her face with her hoof
>"For the last time, Dan, there's no one named Chris here."
"Oh, so you can kidnap me, but not my sidekick?"
>"No one kidnapped you! You were transported!"
"How long are you going to keep up this cruel charade?"
>"It's not a charade!"
"You know, your anger issues are really unbecoming, New Elise"
>"Dan, I'm going to say this to one last time. Chris isn't here, neither is this so-called Mr.Mumbles, and I am /not/ Elise!"
"Of course you're not Elise. I said /new/ Elise. Well, technically you're New Junior"
>"Don't call me Junior"
"See? Now you're getting into it. Now, where's the nearest blacksmith?"
>"Why do you need a blacksmith?"
"To make me a sword and armor"
>"But why-"
"To take down Princess Crayola. Try to keep up"
>"Why in Equestria would you want to do that!?"
"Because I've been wronged! Celestia is at the top of my list and she's gonna pay!"
>"Because we don't serve meat? You don't think that's overdoing it a little?"
"It's not about the meat, It's the principle.This 'kingdom' is discriminatory against carnivores, and humans, and some third thing. Plus they just let that /pink/ menace prance around ruining people's cars!"
>"I'm pretty sure Pinkie Pie didn't mean anything by-"
"And then she tried to kill me! Do you know what I found in my glove compartment?"
>"*sigh* No, Dan. What did she find-"
"Cookies!"
>"How does making cookies imply-"
"Made. With. Milk."
>"...Okay. Still not seeing the problem here"
"I can't eat dairy. I could've /died/!"
>"I'm sure she didn't know. You're overreacting, and you're not going to 'take down' Princess Celestia"
"Watch me"
>Dan strides out the door with Twilight following after him, stopping at the door.
>"I'm not helping you!"
"Then I'll find someone who can"
>The door slams

>"Now now, Angel. You'll get your food after I finish feeding the birds."
>Angel's foot thumps impatiently as he watches Fluttershy tend to her animals.
>"It'll only be a moment. Now, where did I put that birdsee-"
"Yah!"
>"Eeep!"
>Dan crashes through Fluttershy's cottage, head first.
"How well do you know the Princess?"
>Fluttershy peaks her head out from where she was hiding
>"Oh...uh, hi Dan"
"How well do you know the princess?"
>"Oh, Twilight? We've best friends. Unless the others are her best friends and I'm just a regular friend. I mean, they aren't afraid of much so they can do a lot more"
"Not the purple one, the rainbow one."
>"Oh, Princess Celestia? I'm not as close to her as Twilight is, but I know about her."
"How much?"
>"Better than most, I suppose. I mean, we do help her with saving Equestria. And we hang out every year at the gala"
"Good, now how do I hurt her?"
>"*gasp* Why would you want to do such a thing?"
"I don't have time for explanations!"
>Fluttershy sinks back behind the her couch
"Look, It's not like I'm going to kill her. I just want to get back at her"
>"You mean like a prank?"
"Yeah, a prank."
>"I don't think I can be much help with that, but I do know who's good at pranks."
"Good, so you're not useless. Let's go, Chris!"
>"Um, where are we going?"
"To see the prank master you're talking about"
>"Oh, okay, but my name's not-"
"Don't care, let's go"
>And with that, Dan dashes out the cottage carrying Yellow Quiet in his arms

"Are you sure this is the place?"
>"Oh, yes"
"Then let's go!"
>Dan bursts through the doors of Sugarcube Corner
"Okay, prank master. Teach my how to hur-, uh, prank the princess!"
>"Why would you wanna do that, Danny?"
"Oh no."
>"Are you two having some kind of prank battle? *gasps* Can I help!?"
"What are /you/ doing here?"
>"I work here, silly? What are you here? Did you come for a cupcake?"
"No, I didn't come here for your dairy filled poison! I came here to see the prank master."
>"That's me! What do you need?"
"You're the prank master?"
>"Yessiree!"
"You, know? I don't know why I didn't see that coming."
>"I know, right? Even after I bedazzled your car as a prank-"
"What!?"
>"Bedazzled you car because I thought it needed a makeover"
"That was a prank!? Do you know how much of Chris' money I had to spend to repair that"
>"Um, I didn't give you any money"
"Quiet, Chris"
>"Who's Chris? That's Fluttershy. Did you bump your noggin, Danny?"
"Stop calling me Danny! Are you going to help me prank your sun goddess or not?"
>"Well, I'm always up for a prank, but the Cakes are out, so I have to watch the shop until they come back"
"Great! Just my luck"
>"Rainbow Dash might be able to help you out. She loves pranks"
"The pride pony?"
>"No, Danny. Rainbow Dash is the element of loyalty"
"(mumbling) Her mate must be a very lucky mare"
>"What was that?"
"Nothing. Let's go, New Chris."
>"Oh, you're taking me?"
"You have knowledge, so let's go"
>"ok"
>And so began Dan's short search for Ponyville's fastest lesbian as they later found her resting on a cloud

>"You want me to do what?"
"I want you to help me prank your ruler"
>"Okay"
"I don't /have/ to explai--really?"
>"Yeah, pranks are awesome, so of course you came to me. I'm the awesomest prankster pony ever!"
>"Actually, Rainbow Dash, we came cause Pinkie Pie was busy."
>"Pinkie!? She's cool and all, but we all know that you need someone as cool as me in order to prank the princess!"
"Yeah, sure, whatever. So you'll help us!"
>"You got it!"
"Great, now I'll need 20 pounds of dynamite, some weasels, a machete and a toothpick"
>"Woah, woah, woah. You can't just go blasting through everything like that, though that does sound awesome! Maybe we could try something more subtle"
>"I never knew you were subtle, Dash."
>"I can be subtle!"
"Blowing up stuff is more fun!"
>"Yeah, you're right, let's do that instead!"
>"Um, guys?"
>"What?"
"What?"
>"Wouldn't blowing up things with dynamite get us sent to the...moon?"
"The moon?"
>"Oh yeah. We can't do anything /too/ destructive. Celestia sends criminals to the moon"
"She kills anyone who commits a crime!? What kind of mad tyrant is she!?"
>"No, no. Only the really bad ponies get sent to the moon"
"So she kills them."
>"Nope. Apparently we can breathe in space"
"Breathe"
>"Yep"
"In space?"
>"That's right"
"Well, I've officially heard and seen everything. I propose we use subtlety to take down the tyrant"
>"Hey! That was my idea!"
"No need to thank me. Now, who's got ideas, besides me?"
>"Well, hotshot. If you're looking for an /awesome/ plan..."
>It Begins

>Dan bursts through door.jpg
"Pinkie!"
>"Hey Danny! Do you always break down people's doors"
"Only on weekdays. I need all your cupcakes"
>"All of them!?"
"Did you not hear me?"
>"But why would you need all the cupcakes?"
"We're gonna throw Celestia a little party"
>"A party!? Omigosh! Omigosh! Omigosh!"
"Yep, and you're going to help us!"
>"Well of course I am! I love throwing my friends parties!"
"Of course you are, and you'd want Celestia to have the best party ever, right?"
>"That's right!"
"So give me all your pastries"
>"Okie doki lokie, but it's gonna cost you"
"No problem. Chris, pay the mare"
>"Me? Oh... I don't think I have that many bits"
"Of course you do. We'll pay you after the party"
>"Pinkie promise"
"Yeah, sure."
>"You have to say the words. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye"
"I'm not saying that"
>"But, Danny!"
"No. Now, let's go plan a party"

>"Are you sure we did everything on the list, Spike?"
>"Twilight, this is the fourth time you made me check."
>"I know, it just feels weird to be done this early. I honestly don't know what to do for the rest of the day"
>"Why don't you go see your friends?"
>"Great idea! I'm sure one of them is free right now."
>"Happy to help. Now can we please get something to eat? Being stuck in the castle all day made me hungry."
>"Sure, Spike. We'll get something to eat, then we'll go-
>Twilight opens the castle door only to end up with a face full of pie
>"Hey Twilight!"
>"Hey, Pinkie Pie. Why did you just throw a pie in my face?"
>"It's your invitation, silly!"
>"Invitation to what?"
>"To Princess Celestia's party of course!
>"You're throwing the princess a party? That's so nice of you, Pinkie?"
>"Don't thank me, it was all Dan's idea."
>"...Did you just say Dan?"
>"Yep! He wants to throw Celestia the biggest party ever!"
>"And you're helping him? Doesn't Dan seem a little off to you?"
>"Don't be silly, Twilight! Dan's just expressive!"
>"Yeah, but he said he was going to take down Celestia. I don't think you should trust him."
>"Why would I not trust my friends?"
>"You wouldn't, Pinkie. Just, keep an eye on him"
>"That's unsanitary. So, are you coming to the party?"
>"I feel like I have to now that I know Dan's planning something"
>"Great, see you there Twilight!"
>Pinkie hops away as Twilight watches
>"What am I getting myself into?"