Thread 3: Stories 45-60

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>Shining Armor
"AJ2"
*********

*Shining Armor sits in a chair wrapped in a blanket. A mug of cocoa and a book are nearby, but he decides to look out the window for the moment, admiring the snowy landscape*

"eeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeee"

*Applejack 2 squeals with joy as she sprints around outside the window*

"Marchmalleys! Marchmalleys everywhere!"

*Appleback 2 bends down and takes a big mouthful of snow from the ground*

"Shiny! Hi Shiny! Do you see me!? I see you! Come outside and have some marchmalleys with me!"

*AJ2 waves frantically at Shining Armor through the window*

>I'm alright for now Applejack 2, just gonna finish my book, but you have fun, ok?

*Applejack 2 dives headfirst into a snowbank giggling wildly*

-----------

*Shining Armor wakes up from his impromptu nap, book in his lap.*

>*yawn* Oh man, how long was I asleep? Applejack 2? I'm hungry, what do you want for lunch?

*no answer*

>Applejack 2? You there?

*He looks outside the window and spots a black chitinous leg sticking out of the snowbank*

>APPLEJACK 2!

*Shining Armor dives through the glass window and dashes over to the snowbank, he grabs the leg with his magic and pulls. She's heavy under all that snow but he heaves with all his might and wrenches Applejack 2 from the snowbank*

>Applejack 2! You scared me, don't do that again!

*no reply*

>Y-you're ok Applejack 2, stop kidding around! Let's go!

*She does not move*

I said LET'S GO! We've gotta get you warmed up!

*Shining Armor wraps her in his magic and dashes inside, floating her unconscious form just behind him*

-----------------

*Applejack 2 regains consciousness. She is shivering fiercely in a bed, piled in blankets with an extra-warm blanket on her back*

>Applejack 2! I was so worried about you! You were so cold and I needed to get you warm! They taught me in basic that the best way to help someone in hypothermia is to share body heat

*Applejack 2 realises it wasn't an extra warm blanket, but rather that Shiny is spooning her and holding her close*

"Thabk yoo Shibbing Arber" she says, her nose clogged and dripping

"I was habbing so much fub but I felt colb and got sleppy so I took a--- a----- AAAAAACHOO. I took a nab"

>I'm so glad you're alright, but NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN! I was so worried I'd lose you, Applejack 2...

"I'b sorry Shiby... I dibn't mean to..."

>Just promise you'll try to stay safe, okay? *Shining Armor pulls her closer*

"I promise" *she makes a little crossing motion over her heart*

>Well now that you're up I need to get something warm inside you. How's some cocoa sound?

"Yaaaay! I lub cocoa!"

>I'll make sure to put in EXTRA marshmallows to make you feel better

"NO! NO MARCHMALLEYS!"

"I hate marchmalleys" *she says, burying her face in the pillow*

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*********************
>Applejack
"Twilight"
:Spike
'Celestia'
*********************

>Howdy Twah, long time no see!

"Hi Applejack, what're you up to?"

>Well, Ah have a few things Ah need ta look into right now. Mah top priority at the moment is yer Equestria Improvement Grant.

"Myyyyy whatnow?"

>The hundred thousand bits you get every month to improve Equestria as a whole. You know, every princess gets one. Our way of betterin' the world aside from politics. Yer like 5 months late with the paperwork, reciepts and all that. Everything goin' alright?

"uuuuuummmmmmm, it's fine! Everything is fine! How are your projects?"

>Ah built that hospital outside Appleoosa, Celestia's developin' a form of drinkable cake, Luna donated a buncha telescopes to schools. Heck, even Cadance gave a crate o' fancy Prench Perfume to the homeless... You know what, ignore that last one, let me add "berate Cadance" ta mah list.

>Ta have no reports for 5 months ya must be up to somethin' miiiight fancy!

"Yes! Fancy! Absolutely. It's just sooooo fancy I wouldn't know what to say! I don't even know where to start. So I won't. Please go? I'm busy-busy-busy with the big project thingie!"

*Applejack raises an eyebrow*

>Do yeh need any help with yer "project"?

"I have everything under control, besides you have other places to be. Wouldn't want to keep you"

*Twilight pushes Applejack out of the room*

"SPIIIIKE!"

*Spike walks in dragging a massive golden book behind him*

:Hey Twi! Sure was nice for Celestia to increase your allowance like that, huh? Mail's here by the way, your autographed solid gold copy of Fifty Shades of Neigh.

"Ohnonononono! How can I fix this? I'm so bucking bucked!"

-----------------------------

*Later that week Princess Twilight is at a pavilion in the Canterlot Gardens, signs all around advertise "Princess Twilight's Reading Hour: 2-3 PM daily"

*The bashful purple pony takes a seat, a specialized stand holds up her golden book. She opens to a bookmarker and begins reading, a blush creeping across her muzzle"

"He held me close and gently started licking my horn, his saliva mixing with the static crackles of my magic in a..."

*the crowd of children fidget uncomfortably, the children's parents don't seem to notice however, lost in the live reading*

'Are you sure that's age-appropriate, Applejack?'

>You got a problem with it, talk to Twi. Ah had nothin' to do with any o' this.

'She knows she doesn't have to read THAT book, right? There are plenty of other choices for a children's reading hour?'

>Ah honestly don't know if it occurred to her, no. But Ah'm not sayin' nothin'. 'Sides, Ah don't think a readin' of 'The Prettiest Unicorn' would have the same turnout.

'You know Applejack, I think I understand you a little bit better now'

>Oh?

'Yeah, seeing someone screw up in public and just standing by and watching it happen... It's exhilarating, Applejack. I envy you'

>Ya know we're gonna get letters about this, right? And as the oldest princess you'll be held responsible?

'Yeah, but I'll be able to look at the pile of complaint mail and think "This week a few of those letters aren't my fault" before dumping them all into the incinerator. I look forward to that feeling.'

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>AJ
"Cadence"
'Applejack 2'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Cadence, Ah've got a question fer' ya. And Ah' want you to be serious.

"Okay?"

>Can ya'll breath on yer' own?

"W-what?!"

>Feed yer'self, wash yer'self? What about usin' the bathroom, can ya' manage it alone?

"WHAT!? Applejack!"

>Because honestly, ya'll being so braindead ya' can barely function is the only reason, the ONLY. REASON. Ah' can see that would allow ya' ta think this is even a little bit okay!

"What!?"

>The armor. Yer' crystal guards armor.

"What about it? I ordered that myself!"

>Ah know. That's the problem. Ya' see, when I signed off on the slight assistance Canterlot provided so ya'll could be better armed, the number Ah' approved was way, way lower.

"It was more expensive than expected..."

>Ah noticed! But ya' see, the problem is, it didn't have ta' be. Fer once, fer ONCE, that daft husband of yer's actually did the smart thing! Ah' know, took me a second ta' process it too. But mah' point is that the armor he ordered? That nifty magical synthetic diamond that coincidentally created a ton of jobs fer' it's production? It's not on this list anymore, is it?

"...IT JUST LOOKS SO TACKY! It's got a garish hue to it that just clashes with everything in the castle! Just looking at the prototype made me want to puke! So, okay, the new armor is a little weaker... Okay, a lot weaker, and slightly heavier, but it just looks so much better! Fine Crystal, Applejack!"

>Which is sold entirely by ONE company, who has the only stockpile.

"Right? And the owners wife just makes the cutest little cozies, and she said I can have as many as I want for free!"

>....

*POP!*

"Wow, both eyes this time? Normally you do one at a time at least, but you snapped right to- APPLEJACK NO!"

>Ya'll can tell Celestia all about yer' designer choices, in detail. FROM CANTERLOT!

"APPLEJACK NOOOooooooo...."

"...Ah'm blamin' Celestia, Ah' don't care how little sense it makes."

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>Applejack56
“Diamond Tiara”
‘Silver Spoon’
______

*in a hallway full of chattering fillies and colts, two prissy fillies observe the Changeling with a cheap number ticket on their chest reading 56*

“Just look at that thing, Silver Spoon. It’s not even a pony! And wasn’t Canterlot attacked by a gang of those monsters once? What’s it doing here?”

‘Probably trying to get an education. Like the rest of us.’

“...Are you really that blind? Can you not see what’s going on here?”

‘I see a kinda cool Changeling putting books into his locker upside-down.’

“Wake up, Spoon! It’s not here to learn… it’s here to infiltrate! It’s here on a spelunker mission!”

‘...I don’t think that’s the word you’re looking for, Tiara.’

“Oh shut up, what would you know? C’mon, we’re going to go tell that thing that we’re onto it!”

‘Whatever gets him talking, I guess…’

*the two fillies approach 56, Diamond Tiara extending her chest*

“Alright you… you… thing! 56 or whatever! We know what you’re up to and if you think we’re just going to let you--”

>Sorry, crown-wearing pony, but I don’t talk to ‘flat flanks’.

“--get away with… wait, w-what did you just say?”

>I said you flank is flat, you’re a flat flank. It’s like a pancake almost. Ew. See, I got the chance to experience a real legendary flank and it changed my life. It was so plump, so warm and soft… If I could get a job guarding plump plots, I could die happy!

“Ugh! Watch that drool!”

>So from now on, I only talk to ponies with a plot I can enjoy. Like you, Silver Spoon!

‘L-Like me? My… what?’

>Yours is nice and round! It ain’t Luna levels but it could be, so I’ll be keeping an eye on you!

‘Oh… o-okay, um, I guess that’s alright….’

“Hey now! My flanks just as--”

>Anyway, catch you later, Double S, I gotta go find that apple filly! Her plot’s outta this world! Bye!

“You little bug-thing, get back here! How dare you insult my perfect plot! Hmph, the nerve of that thing, calling us ‘flat flanks’!”

‘Actually, Tiara, he was only referring to you with that. Mine is apparently up to standard….’

“…”

‘What? Don’t glare at me like that, I keep telling you there’s no need to diet!’

“Oh shut up, Spoon…”


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>Applejack
"Shining Armor"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

>AH WILL TEAR YOUR BALLS OFF AND WEAR THEM AS A NECKLACE!

"The saddest part? That would be the most action they've gotten in months."

>.......

"Inappropriate. You had a problem? A ball related problem?"

>NO! Ah' have a you related problem! But there ain't gonna be one in four seconds iffin' ya' don't explain this!

"What are you even... oh wow! That's kind of funny."

>FUNNY!? Ya'll think spendin' eight hundred thousand pieces of gold on bucking spears is FUNNY!? What could these spears possibly do!? Why, of all things, are ya' paying with GOLD!

"Because that's the currency used in that game. Empires and Ages, second edition, I think? It's been a while."

>...What?

"Yeah, looks like one of my old game sheets got mixed up into the paperwork. Man, that is embarrassing. No worries, though, I have a copy of the real budget over here."

>...So... ya'll didn't do somethin' completely stupid and asinine?

"It is only ten in the morning, give me time."

>And... and it was jus' a simple mistake, not some insane whim ya'll pushed for at the expense of all logic?

"My whims have more to do with my wife covered in chocolate and sprinkles, thank you."

>.....

"Inappropriate. Sorry, been a long night."

>No, Ah' jus... this is uh... I need ta' go sit down fer' a sec.

"Applejack? You okay?.... Do you.. do you want to play Candyland? You'd be amazed how many problems Candyland solves.... Applejack?"

>....

"...She's probably fine."

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>Applejack 42
"Applejack 18"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>I like to think that one was a success.

"......"

>What? We stole his helmet, which is what I am pretending our mission was.

"........"

>Shut up, it makes perfect sense. Without his helmet, he can't protect his head. So all we have to do is hit him so hard he stops pointing out the obvious flaws in our plan, and we win!

"......"

>I know, you're probably thinking to yourself 'he's a master of shield magic, how are we going to hit him in the head?', well, my lesser Changeling, the answer is simple. We just tell Cadence he's been cheating on her, and then she hits him with a frying pan. I've seen enough movies to know EXACTLY how that is going to play out.

"....."

>What, should we plant the frying pan too? Sounds smart. Glad I thought of it.

"...."

>...SHUT UP, YOU DON'T KNOW! *Runs off*

"I think she were born into the wrong profession. As a bare-hoof brawler, she's top tier. As a spy, pretty shit..."

*Silence*

"And I guess I just suck at everything... huh"

*Shapeshifts into Cadence.*

"Attempt number who the fuck cares, let's go."

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>Applejack
"Celestia"
~~~~~~~~~~
"So... Shining Armor blew all his surplus budget..."

>On Live Action Role Play supplies

"And you're not blaming him for anything?"

>Oh, Ah blame him few overspendin' alrigh', but after makin' so many half-intelligent moves lately, watchin' 'im get all bone headed again sorta makes it feel like all's righ' wit' tha world again.

"You know how else we could make the world right again?"

>Sneak 42 inta his live action role play stuff wit' not-so-fake weapons ta beat tha shit outta him?

"Moments like this, I'm glad I made you a princess, Applejack."

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>Shining
“Applejack42”
(Applejack2)
______

*the empty Canterlot coliseum is where Shining Armor and Applejack42 have been fighting each other for the past three hours, both marked with well-timed attacks and counters*

“Tch… seems you’re finally picking up on the basics, Shield.”

>Shining. And after getting them beat into my muzzle over the past couple months, there really wasn’t choice there.

“Any particular reason why you chose to have this fight I solitude?”

*Shining smirks as he shakes a bit of numbness from his front hoof*

>I work better without a crowd?

“Clearly. I’m actually having to use more than ten percent of my skill.”

>Funny.

“Who’s joking?”

*a flash of light ends their conversation and they dive at one another with enough force to crack the ground*

“Give it up, Shield!”

>Not when I got you on the brink!

“Brink my ass!”

>Gladly!

*a swift parry lands Applejack42 flat on her back and Shining summons a concentrated aura of magic in his horn*

>Finally! This match is--

(Hey… Shiny… ya know, I’m really sad that you can’t ever beat AJ42, but…)

>…victory is...

(But that’s okay! B-because then I get to make you smile again! And then you bring me marchmalleys and we play games and… and I know one day you’ll beat AJ42, because you’re awesome like that, and you won’t… you won’t need me anymore, s-so…)

“Hey, Shield, what’d you stop for?”

>…

(Until then… I… I’m glad we g-get to spend so much time together. You’re my hero, Shiny.)

*Shining dulls the glow of his horn and offers AJ42 a hoof*

“...what the hell are you playing at?”

>Nothing. I just… there’s probably a lot more I can learn from you. C’mon, let’s go again.

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>Applejack
"Cadence"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>.....

"Applejack! How nice of you to visit, what brings you around today?"

>......

"Is it something important? Not to sound rude, but I have other plans I want to get to! I'm taking Shining Armor out for a night on the town. I even brought Twilight to watch Applejack two while we're away. She's such a precious little scamp, and I didn't want her to feel neglected."

>......

"Oh my, is that my yearly budget report for the castle maintenance in your hand? Sorry if it's a little smudged, but I was just working so hard on making sure every detail was well utilized. Have to make every cent count!"

>.......

"You're still staring at me. Is... is it about the flowers I sent you? Applejack, you're just such a help to me, I just felt you really deserve some appreciation- what are you doing?"

*Applejack walks towards her.*

"W-well really, you should be going off. So many things to fix yet still, right?"

*Moves past her*

"A-a-nd who knows what's going wrong with Canterlot RIGHT NOW, could be anything! Really, you should-"

*Applejack shoves her throne aside.*

>......

"....."

*Muffled screaming from a tied up and bound Cadence.*

"....Oh no! An imposter!"

>.......

"Shit."

>....Promise me yer' not Chrysalis.

"W-what?"

>Yer' not Chrysalis, right?

"...Nope. Eighteen. Or Applejack "Who gives a fuck" according to her majesty."

>.......

*Shoved the throne back into place,*

>Ah' saw nothin'.

*Applejack turns around, and walks away.*

"....Huh."

*Muffled screams intensify.*

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>AJ2
"Applejack 18"
(Shining Armor)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>Do, do do do~, Still gonna be AJ2, do do do, always don't you know it's true- Hey Eighteen! Are you ever gonna walk in here and NOT look like Caden-

*BOOM!*

>...That was mean.

"How are you not hurt by that!? I just poured everything I had into that blast! "

>...Uuuuh-nuh.

"You aren't even scratched!"

>My nose is tickling, does that count?

"How often does he pound you that you have THIS MUCH LOVE!?"

>*gasp!* Shiny would never hit me! Never! Never never never!

"Uuuugh! Just... ugh, just stand in the corner again. I'm going to try to look wounded or something. Maybe he'll carry me to the infirmary or something."

(I've got a better idea, my darling.)

"...Crud."

(I know the perfect way to prove you're Cadence!)

"What's tha-PUT ME DOWN!"

(See, if you're Cadence, you'll get perfect air and land right there in our bedroom. If not...)

"NO WAIT-"

*CHUCK!*

(Oh darn, looks like she was just a bit too light, and I overshot. What a shame, she's cleared the edge of the city. Should have known that tiny backside would throw off my aim.)

>Unlike mine, huh Shiny? Mine would be too big to throw, right?

(...Please stop shaking your rear in my face.)

>Never!

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[Canterlot ballroom, changelings are gathered]

CHR: Atention everybug! We have new orders from the princess of apples! 80, read the paper thing.

#18: Letter. And I'm 18.

CHR: Yes, yes, whatever. Read!

CHR: [sigh] Ahem. "A lotta' folks still ain't comfortable with seein' a buncha changelings wanderin' about Canterlot all the time. Ah hereby order you to refrain from wanderin' around in your natural state until the public image o' changelings has moved on from "a horde o' scary-lookin' bug monsters", signed, Princess Applejack.

[Uproar]
#76: That's not fair!
#21: She can't do this!
#84: I'm not that scary-looking! Can I go outside?

CHR: Silence!

#18: She never said we were banned from leaving. We presumably just have to stick to using disguises. We should probably mention to her that we'll be doing that, though...

CHR: Quite. Now, some of you may be out of practice, so I want all of you to come up with a...[pages turning]...suitable, form for, uh...integration, right now. Anything will do as long as it's pony-ish. You have 10 minutes. Get to work! Show me what you can come up with!

[Canterlot Throne Room]

AJ: Ah just think that maybe y'all could afford to get another hobby or somethin'.Equestria would benefit a lot from the money that could be saved if ya weren't copin' with every little thing by stuffin' yer face wi-

[Doors slam open]

CHR: Applehat! My brain did a smart thing!

AJ: I doubt th- What in the heck are those?!

CEL: Well, I'm off to inform the pastry chefs they'll be working overtime tonight.

[A moment of silence while Applejack stares stunned at a horde of almost-pony creatures. Some have curled ram horns, some with wings from the wrong creatures, some are full alicorns with inappropriate accessories. All are finished with mismatched, oversaturated coat colours. Chrysalis looks smug.]

AJ: So, y'all gonna explain yerselves or what?

CHR: Don't they look great? I thought that they should all come up with a pony identity to use outside the castle. They're wonderfully creative! Ravensblood the Destroyer of Souls here particularly outdid himself. [Motions towards a large black alicorn with red eyes and hair]

AJ: Y'all can not go out like that, ya look hideous. None of ya! No way. Not happenin'. EVERYONE OUT. BACK TO THE BALLROOM.

CHR: What? How dare you! We only did this to suit your demands!

AJ: Ya lost me.

CHR: You told us we weren't allowed out as changelings anymore! The fact that we had to ...resort to this in the first place is entirely you're fault!

[Celestia reenters, confectionary in orbit]

CEL: HA! Not it!

[POP]

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>Applejack
“Celestia”
‘Derpy’
_________

>Hey, ‘Tia, can y’all answer a quick question?

“Hm? Certainly, dear. Just give me one second….”

*a spinning sound, then an empty click*

“Damn.”

>Back to that there Russian Roulette game y’all learned from that other dimension?

“Yes, but I can’t seem to get it to work right. One in the chamber, spin, pull the trigger, then lights out. I feel lied to.”

>It's a game of luck, 'Tia. An' ya really shouldn’t be tryin’ to kill yerself in the first place, not with the current state of Equestria bein’ what it is and all. Utter turmoil.

“As an immortal, I cannot die, but a bullet to the skull would sit me down for a few weeks while I recovered. I’d call it more a vacation than anything.”

>Ya haven’t earned it yet. Now, mah question: what in the buck is up with our mailin’ system?

*spinnnnn- click!*

“Damn. Well, that might have something to do with the new mailmare we received as a stand-in since the last one got dogpiled on by a bunch of excited Changelings and broke her wing. I think the replacements name is Derpy? Derpy Hooves.”

>…

“What, dear?”

>...an’ how long will she be our resident mailmare?

“For about the next four to six months.”

>Oh. Okay. Pass me that gun will ya? Ah’d like a couple tries.

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>Cadence
"AJ2"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*Loud yawning noises, and the distinct clink of metal and plastic bumping up against each other.*

>Ugh, such an ungodly hour... but just push through it, Cadence, it'll all be worth it when... YOU!

*AJ2 freezes in mid walk, almost dropping the bundle she's carrying in her arms.*

"Me?"

>Just what do you think you're doing with that!?

"Taking it down the hall."

>Oh no! You are not taking another one of my spare blankets for your stupid little games! What are you even doing up at this hour?

"I don't need ta' sleep all that much. I hang out with Shiny for a bit and all of a sudden I feel like I could be up all night!... what're you doing up at four in the morning?"

>Unlike you, I can't just set myself on fire and come out looking fresh as a daisy. I'm applying a new exfoliate today that is supposed to make my coat absolutely shine. Unfortunately, it takes about six hours to apply. So, as you can see, I have no time for your little games. Give me that blanket and go back to bed.

"Can't."

>Listen here you, I put up with you because my husband honestly seems to find some joy out of your presence, but I will not put up with you disrespecting me! No more games!

"It's not for a game!"

>Then what's it for, pray tell?

"Shiny fell asleep at his desk again, and he looks cold."

>...Oh.

"I told him to go to bed, but he said he had too much stuff with the empire to fix. He always looks so tired, but he still tries to play with me...."

>......O-oh....

*AJ2 moves past her.*

"I don't know why you put on that stuff anyway, Shiny already thinks you're the prettiest pony of them all. Sparkly coats aren't going to change that."

*She disappears down the hall.*

*Cadence just sits there for a second, and then continues the way she was heading.*

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>Applejack 56
"Applejack"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

>HISSSSS~! YOU MONSTER! YOU UNHOLY MONSTER!

"Hold still ya' little-"

>NO! Until my last breath, amidst my broken and shattered body, as the light dims from my eyes and the grand darkness ushers me into the light, and my soul descends upon it's ultimate resting place amidst the paradise of soft, bouncy plots that await me, only then, only THEN shall you ever see me yield unto you! UNTIL THE END, PRINCESS APPLEJACK!

"It's just a bath ya' idjit!"

>HIIIIISSSSSSSSS~!

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>Applejack
“Derpy”
‘Celestia’
________

>Ah, there she is. Hey! Hey, Derpy! Can Ah get a word with- wait! Wait, slow down, yer comin’ in too f-

*crash*

*two jumbled pony bodies roll back through the main castle doors*

“Whoooo! Oh, hey, AJ! Did you see what happened? That cloud up there tripped me!”

>...So y’all DO know what went wrong.

“Huh? Of course I do, why wouldn’t I?”

>No reason, jus’… get off me, will ya? Now… where’s our blessed mail been lately? We’re missin’ past due bills for all sorts of things! Our electricity keeps blinkin’ out, no one’s gettin’ paid- the castle’s facin’ foreclosure!

“Oooooh... and I was wondering why I kept getting so much mail!”

>What? What’re ya talkin’ ‘bout? Do Ah even wanna know?

“Well, see, I have a bit of a... memory problem, among other things, heh, so my boss started writing down my name on my pieces of mail to deliver. I guess I, uh… saw my name on the letters and figured they were for me….”

>…

“Oh no, there’s going to be a lot of ponies in trouble, aren’t there?”

*Celestia appears on the above balcony*

‘By the look on your face, Applejack, I do believe you might need this.’

*tosses down a gun that Applejack silently catches with magic and points at her head*

*spinnnnn- click!*

>Damn.

‘Better luck next time, dear.’

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