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Transcript of AVGN episode Sega 32X
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The Nerd gets chased by a Sega 32X in the title card for the episode.

The Nerd: The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh, God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: "Oh, please, God, take this shit off me." It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time.
The Nerd: And picture this. If it was a Model 1 Genesis, it would have been even more of a spectacular mess. And there's metal prongs you have to insert into its... slot. And there's something wrong here. This whole thing is just a mountain of cockadookie. (mountain of bullshit appears) So, what does the 32X do? Well, it's compatible with all your 16-bit Genesis games, but it also has its own library of 32-bit games.

The Nerd: Oh, you gotta love this - no end labels on the cartridges. May I ask why? Here's the Genesis games. You can read them. You can see what they are. If I'm trying to pick out a game, I can just visually scan my eyeballs across them without having to this. (taking out games one at a time) Oh, what's this? Oh, Virtua Fighter. What's this? Oh, Star Wars. What's this? Primal Rage. The same thing as Atari. Labeled, not labeled. Labeled, not labeled. Labeled, labeled.. and not labeled. Even Nintendo's guilty of the same thing. If you labeled the older games, why can't you do the same with the newer ones? Who came along and said "Okay, we're going to have better graphics, better games, and, oh, those end labels gotta go."? When did this idea of simple convenience become obsolete?

The Nerd: Now, about the 32X, hooking up this bastard is just insane. Believe it or not, like the Sega CD, it has its own fuckin' power adapter. That's great. I mean, now you got three. And trying to hook them all up at the same time is a friggin' nightmare. Let's look at the most minimum amount of effort it could possibly take. So, I'm plugging it into the TV, and now, I obviously can't plug in all three of these things. So, here's the most basic power strip you can get. Every big store sells these things. These are common. So, I plug in my fucking power strip or whatever. Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adaptors? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? (a simple plug) Even the Atari 5200 with its huge-ass box, it still ends with a normal plug. You know, that really pisses me off. I-I even have a camera, which I just bought this year, and it has a box like that. We live in the year 2007, and they can't figure out that shit like that takes up too much room?! These fucking things should be banned! Have these! (the plugs) Not these! (the boxes)

The Nerd: So, anyway, let's fire this monster up and play some Primal Rage.

(The Nerd inserts the game cartridge into the 32X. But when the game starts, nothing is visible on the title screen except the background.)

The Nerd: (sarcastically) Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. (cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible) What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing Invisible Primal Rage! Alright, let's try Virtua Fighter.

(cut to a fight in Virtua Fighter, only this time both the characters and arena are invisible!)

The Nerd: What the fuck?! Guess what? We left something out. There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the top of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.

The Nerd: So there's Primal Rage, which to my recollection looks nowhere near as good as the arcade. In fact, I'm not even sure how much better it looks in the Genesis version. You got all the moves, the farting, the puking, the pissing, which I can't do, so if you want to try that out, be my guest. I mean, that's what I hate about this game: the moves, they're so awkward. Especially the fatality moves. I mean, just forget about them. It's always something like, "Hold these three buttons and then tap some weird combination on the control pad." I don't know why they make any moves that require you to hit Up, because, you know what happens? You jump. I'm sorry, but when I have to download a move list and remember all kinds of combinations of buttons, that just ruins the game for me.

The Nerd: Then you got Doom, which is one of my all-time favorites, but the music sounds like shit. (music plays) Compare it to the Super Nintendo version. (Comparisons between the Super Nintendo and Sega 32X versions begin, with the SNES version sounding better.) Also, the Super Nintendo version has more levels. The only thing it lacks are the graphics, they're horrible. On the 32X they’re better, but my point is, everything should be better.

The Nerd: Now, you got Virtua Fighter. It was one of the first 3D fighting games, and it sure looks like it. I really hate how every time you jump it's like you're on the moon. God! The control sucks. And the characters act like they have problems. (Victory grunts from Wolf Hawkfield and Jacky Bryant, then the Nerd parodies Jeffry McWild's and Pai-Chan's.) (OOOOHHHH!!) (YEAH!!!)

(Nerd version) (YEEEEAAAAHHH!!!!) (WOOAAHH!!!!)

(Mixes them) (YE- YE- YE- YEEEEAAAHHH!!!!)

(Fast motion) (WO- WO- WO- WOOAAHH!!!!)

The Nerd: Now, we got Star Wars. Yeah, it's an arcade classic, but I don't know about this one. I mean, the graphics are... balls. Everything looks like a polygon and it's... putting me to sleep.

The Nerd: Like my Sega CD video, keep in mind I'm limited to how many games I can review. I'm aware that I'm leaving out popular ones such as Snatcher on the Sega CD and Knuckles' Chaotix on the 32X. But remember, if I don't have the game, I can't review it. It doesn't matter anyway, because I wanted to focus on the console itself. The bottom line, the 32X sucked and it was one of the biggest failures of all time, and to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few CD-32X games, which required both the 32X and the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own this pile of vomit and this piece of shit, you can mix the two together.

The Nerd: So, you can clearly see the 32X was just not worth it, and gamers were too smart to be suckered in because they know this piece of junk would be abandoned shortly because the Sega Saturn was on its way. Hell, it was already out in Japan, so nobody gave two fucks about this beast. It cost about $150 when it first came out, (green words "150 BUCKS?!") and the only people who bought it, they had mechanical problems. (green word "MALFUNCTIONS?!") So, on top of that, there were rumors that it could damage your Genesis games, (green words "FUCKS UP GAMES?!") and I don't even know if that was true or not.

The Nerd: The Sega Saturn was released in the U.S. about 6 months later. Only about 40 games (green words "NOT MANY GAMES?!") or maybe less came out for the 32X before it bit the dust! I mean, what kind of marketing was that?! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! And on top of that, Sega had yet another console planned in between called the Neptune, which was scrapped pretty quickly. All it was going to be was a stand-alone 32X, anyway. WHICH IS WHAT IT SHOULD HAVE FUCKIN' BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!

The Nerd: So, not only was the Saturn on the way, but so was the PlayStation and the Nintendo 64. Gamers knew it was a better idea to just wait, and stores were selling the 32X for about $20. (green words "20 BUCKS?!") I got mine at a flea market for $2.50. (green number "$2.50") I'M DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS.

The Nerd: Now, excuse me, I gotta send this fucking shit back to the fires of Hell. ("Super C" Level 1 music plays while the Sega 32X is on a container with a flaming cord in it, sitting on a milk crate. The Nerd shoots an arrow at the Sega 32X, which triggers the fluid in container to catch fire and inundate the 32X with fire, melting it and the milk crate.)

See also
Transcript of AVGN episode Sega CD
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in:
Transcripts, Transcripts of 2007 Angry Video Game Nerd episodes
Transcript of AVGN episode Sega CD
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COMMENTS (8)

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Kyle: (singing the full theme song)
EFEB0559-692A-4AC5-936D-32BB8C3951B9
♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪
♪ To play the shitty games that suck ass ♪

♪ He'd rather have a buffalo ♪

♪ Take a diarrhea dump in his ear ♪

♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole ♪

♪ Of a roadkill skunk and down it with beer ♪

♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪

♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪

♪ ​He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd ♪

♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪

♪ When you turn on your TV ♪

♪ Make sure it's tuned to channel 3 ♪

♪ He's got a nerdy shirt ♪

♪ And a pocket pouch ♪

♪ Although I've never seen him write anything down ♪

♪ He's got a Power Glove ♪

♪ And a filthy mouth ♪

♪ Armed with his Zapper, he will tear these games down ♪

♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪

♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪

♪ He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd ♪

♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪

♪ He plays the worst games of all time ♪

♪ Horrible abominations of mankind ♪

♪ They make him so mad he could spit ♪

♪ Or say "Cowabunga" ♪

Kyle and the Nerd: ♪ "Cowa-fuckin' piece of dog shit!" ♪

♪ They rip you of and don't care one bit ♪

♪ But this Nerd, he doesn't forget it ♪

♪ Why can't a Turtle swim? ♪

♪​ Why can't I land a plane? ♪

♪ They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck ♪

♪ ​The characters' names are wrong ♪

♪ Why's the password so long? ♪

♪ Why don't the weapons do anything? ♪

♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪

♪ The games suck so bad, he makes up his own words ♪

♪ He's the angriest most pissed off gaming Nerd ♪

♪ He's the Angry Atari, Amiga, CD-i, Colecovision, Intellivision, Sega, Neo-Geo, TurboGrafx-16, Odyssey, 3DO, Commodore, Nintendo Nerd ♪

♪ He's the Angry...Video Game...Nerd ♪

(The Nerd plays games quietly, then suddenly the TV begins talking, reenacting the commercial for the Sega CD.)

Gangster Nerd: HEY!! You still don't own a Sega CD?

The Nerd: Hmm?

Gangster Nerd: What are you waiting for, Nintendo to make one?

The Nerd: Uh, yeah-huh!

Gangster Nerd: You have seen the games, right?

The Nerd: Uhhh...

Gangster Nerd: Wrong answer, man. Show him.

(footage of various Sega CD games show up rapidly, intercutting with the Nerd exclaiming throughout..)

The Nerd: (sighs) Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that isn't full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! Holy shit! This thing is total FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH!! How would you like it if I could conduct the rest of the video like this? (Screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's "FMV.") "Full motion video", my ass! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

(Sega CD startup music starts playing)

The Nerd: So this is the Sega CD. It's a load of ass. You just pop it on the side of your Genesis, like some deformed Siamese twin or something. You ever see Basket Case? Well, whatever. So, you put your fucking game in, and, oh, guess what? It runs off its own power adaptor. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it be its own independent system? Instead, it's like a fucking parasite or something. Then, there's this problem: the load time. Load of shit! You could go dump your ass in the time it takes. So if you're going to play the Sega CD, grab a beer and be patient.

(Ground Zero: Texas begins)

The Nerd: So this is what a typical Sega CD game looks like. This one's called Ground Zero: Texas.

Reese: ...American system. Four particle beam disrupter with limited...

The Nerd: (sarcastically) Great game, huh? It's not even like playing a game. It's like you're watching a movie. A bad movie. So every once in a while, you get to shoot people behind haystacks. All you do is drag your crosshairs across the screen and try to kill them.

Reese: Let's see some firepower or I am personally going to call headquarters and find out what hole they dug you out of!!

The Nerd: The hole in your ass. Now we got Slam City.

Fingers: You want some of this? You got it.

The Nerd: Okay, I really don't know what I'm doing.

Boy 1: Yo! Crush 'em like a walnut.

Boy 2: And sprinkle him on a salad.

Both: And pour some dressing on the boy!

The Nerd: What are they saying?

Mad Dog: Ooh! Ace must have on ankle weights! (Laughing)

The Nerd: Okay. Now we got Double Switch.

Eddie: Hey.

The Nerd: Hey.

Eddie: Hi.

The Nerd: Hi.

Eddie: My name is Eddie.

The Nerd: Hi, Eddie.

Eddie: I need your help. This is my building. And since this neighborhood really sucks, I-

The Nerd: Like this game sucks! So, you're just switching different rooms and just, I don't know.

(a pillow fight is shown)

The Nerd: What the fuck am I watching?!

(a lady screams loudly)

The Nerd: God, shut up!!

The Nerd: This is Night Trap. This here is the cult classic of the Sega CD. The premise is that you're watching all these security cameras in this house, and you have to trap these weirdos in black. Why the Hell are they wobbling all around? Can they possibly overact anymore? And the traps are ridiculous. And everything that happens in this house happens in real time, so you're constantly switching around, trying to find these guys. (barely catches a bad guy on another camera) Fuck! Just missed him. See? That's what happens. The only way to get good at this is to play it over and over. That's the only way to know where these guys are going to be. Yeah, get the tennis racket. Strangely, this is the most amusing part of the game. So, is this all you do? Just click around and try to catch these guys? Yes. Alright, this is what I'm talking about! I sometimes forget I'm playing a game. I think I'm watching a shitty horror movie. You got a scary guy in the shower, it's classic. Oh, she's in trouble! Uh-oh! (screaming in background) You know what? I'm supposed to save her, but that spoils the fun. (screaming stops, screen switches to Simms.)

Simms: I don't believe what I just saw!

The Nerd: I know! This game sucks! Now, we got Corpse Killer. Unfortunately, I can't even show you much about this game, because it keeps freezing. I actually had a lot to say about this one, but right now it's not fucking working. Corpse Killer, consider yourself lucky.

The Nerd: Time Gal. Okay, this one is really, really weird. All you have to do is hit the control pad in the right direction at the right moment, and if you're not fast enough, you die. Her voice is just annoying.

Reika: You can't catch me! You can't catch me! (Reika gets her ass handed to by the enemy)

​The Nerd: (Lethal Enforcers) This one, there's not much to say. It's just shoot, shoot, shoot, reload, and shoot some more. There's some minor things that annoy me. Look in the background. This is the longest block in the world. And there's a lot of National Rubber Stamp Companies. How did they fit so many people in the car? Then there's this big-ass van! But now, this time, there's only one guy in there! There's not even a driver!

The Nerd: Willy Beamish. Okay, in this game, you're a kid in detention. First, it's just like watching a cartoon for 5 minutes, then an arrow appears and you're like, "Oh my God! I get to do something!" So you just point and click at things.

Willy Beamish: Man, I'm so bored, I can't stand it!

The Nerd: I know, I'm fuckin' bored. The teacher talks to you and you come up with answers. Should I say, "Oh, that was my frog, Horny."? The frog's name is "Horny"?!

The Nerd: Road Avenger. Alright, well, same concept as Time Gal. An icon appears on the screen telling you what to do and you have to act immediately by pushing right, left, turbo, or brake. If you're half a second late, you're dead.

The Nerd: (Jurassic Park) Well, this one can't be bad, right? Remember the Genesis game, running around trying to get away from dinosaurs? Well, this is nothing like that. It's just one of those point and click games. I don't know where I'm supposed to go, and I got so bored with it, I shut it off before I even got to a single dinosaur. I want some dinosaurs, damn it!

The Nerd: Prize Fighter. Reminds me of Raging Bull. I wait like 8 minutes for the fight to start up, then what happens? I just get clobbered! I don't even know how to play this. I just tap buttons. All I do is just swat past the guy. How do I hit him? Do I really care anyway? Nope.

The Nerd: Now, we got Sol-Feace. More like Sol-Feces! Well, holy shit! I gotta be honest. It kinda reminds me of R-Type or LifeForce, and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.

The Nerd: The Terminator. This one's okay, too. I mean, there are some flaws. For example, the enemies are too strong, which is fine, but annoying when everything you try to blow up takes so much gunfire. Even when you're in the present time, there's no bad guys that die with one shot. And I understand when you're shooting the Terminators; they're made of metal, but these are human beings. Another thing really annoying is how difficult it can be to shoot things sometimes. I can't stand still when I'm on the stairs. You can't aim your gun without moving all around. One thing I have to say, the music's awesome. Overall, this game's okay.

The Nerd: There's also a lot of games which are hard to comment on, like Sherlock Holmes. It's like one of those early CD-ROM games on the PCs. There's really no gameplay whatsoever. You're just clicking around on things and collecting clues. Kinda reminds me of Carmen Sandiego, but not as memorable. There's also a Dracula game, although this is the same sort of thing. You just click on things and watch little movies here and there.

The Nerd: Speaking of Dracula, there's another one, Bram Stoker's Dracula. But, this one's actually like a game. You're just going around beating the shit out of animals. Yeah, punch 'em! Damn bats! UGH! Yeah! Fucking bitches! Kick 'em in the face, HMMMM! Fucking rats! So, this game's pretty funny, but the control just sucks. Especially this part, where you're trying to jump these rocks. Damn. (the character jumps on a rickety bridge but falls through the bridge to his death) Oh, that was ridiculous! I landed right on that! Then there's all these movie scenes taken right from the movie Bram Stoker's Dracula. If I wanted to watch the movie, I'd watch the damn movie! (holds up the DVD case of Bram Stoker's Dracula and throws it down)

The Nerd: Now we got Wonder Dog. First, you get this long cartoon. Some overly happy kid is walking with his dog, everything's fine. Then some guy shows up, takes the kid away, and then the dog goes inside this giant metal dick with balls, and he conveniently finds a costume and becomes Wonder Dog. Now, we actually get into the game, and you're just shooting stars at rabbits. Yeah, kill those fucking rabbits! Can't get up there! HUNH! GET UP THERE! Damn it!

The Nerd: Maybe someday, I'll review some of these games in greater detail, but for most of them, there's really not much to say. Like this one, for example. Sewer Shark. For this game, all I have is a two word review: Shit Shark.

The Nerd: The only memorable game off the top of my head is Sonic CD, which is debatably the best Sonic game ever made. It's definitely one of the most confusing ones, too. God. Oh, shit! I'm going to be sick. (The Nerd puts controller on top of TV)

The Nerd: Alright. The Sega CD, it was one of the first CD-based game systems of the time, so it was kinda fascinating when it came out. The problem was, it was too expensive, the technology was just too young; it just wasn't there yet, and, I don't know one person who had a Sega CD. And why's that? BECAUSE IT FUCKIN' SUC- (slows down) 'CAUSE IT FUCK- 'CAUSE IT FUCK- 'CAUSE IT FUCKIN' SUCKS!!!

The Nerd: Think about it. In order to own a Sega CD, first you have to own a Genesis. And, if that wasn't enough, Sega made another Genesis attachment, the 32X. Yes, this ugly mushroom-shaped piece of shit was the last effort from Sega to keep the Genesis alive to compete with its nemesis. Tune in next time, and I'll tell you all about it.

See also
Transcript of AVGN episode Sega 32X
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