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Sep 8th, 2018
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  1. Databreak10™, AKA datajack™, shall show you that a series of videogames about a humanoid hedgehog with super speed who fights an overweight mechanic is definitely the perfect series for you to live out your wildest dreams and desires!
  3. Speaking of desires... Right now, pick one: Shadow, Sonic, Tails, Shadow, Eggman, Metal Sonic, Shadow, Knuckles, Black Doom, Shadow, Espio, Charmy, Shadow, Vector, Big, Shadow, Sonic, Shadow, Tails, Shadow, and Shadow. Your character will end up dating, or working together with one of these characters. Or both, depending on who you, and your character is.
  5. Now, let's get to the most important part of writing a story. Characters!
  7. Now remember, nobody will care about plot, or action, as long as the characters are awesome enough. Sorry, did I say awesome? I meant Hyper way-past-cool overkill chocolate-coated lemon scented super god-awesome!
  9. Everyone knows that the Hyper way-past-cool overkill chocolate-coated lemon scented super god-awesomeness of a character is determined not by something as trivial as "A purpose in life" or "A reason to be in the story". No, the Hyper way-past-cool overkill chocolate-coated lemon scented super god-awesomeness of a character is determined by how many powers it has, how powerful it is, and how many characters like it. Not how many readers like it, but how many characters in your story like it. If your character is cool, everyone in your story will like him/her. Everyone in the world. Even people like Espio, who doesn't really open up to anyone thanks to his training as an emotionless ninja, E-123 Omega, who only opens up to the other members of Team Dark, Shadow, who doesn't like anyone that much, and Knuckles, who's years of being the guardian of the world's most powerful object has made him emotionally distant, quick to anger, and easy to fool... Everyone, even these people, they will all love your character. Except for Eggman, who hates everyone, and is hated by everyone, because he's evil and not sexy at all.
  11. Want to easily make a cool, yet relatable character that the audience can relate to? Just take yourself, remove all your faults and flaws (Unless you have none, in which case, cool!), give yourself a kickass set of powers, and away you go! Make sure to pick a good animal, like a hedgehog, so that you won't have to risk making your character unlikeable, by making him/her a species that someone will hate.
  13. Readers hate uninteresting characters. So, make your character as perfect as you can imagine, and give them as many cool and interesting powers as you can think of! Just make sure that you tell the readers about all of these powers at the start, in a huge wall of text, so that your readers will know right away how cool your character is!
  15. Some authors will tell you that the trick to doing a good self-insert is to make the main character a whiny, pathetic, unlikeable jackass, with no powers or abilities, who only serves to slow down and endanger everyone he/she meets. They will claim that by making their character a loser, they have made him "Human", and therefore not boringly perfect. Well, guess what? That only makes the author hate the loser with a fiery passion, because the author is wasting the reader's time by forcing him/her to read about the misadventures of a loser, rather than someone cool, like Sonic or Shadow. Especially Shadow! Or better yet, your Hyper way-past-cool overkill chocolate-coated lemon scented super god-awesome Original Character!
  17. Now, here's another important part of giving characters powers: Fusions. I don't know if you've ever seen Dragon Ball Z, but if you haven't, go and watch it, because it is the greatest anime of all time. OF ALL TIME. Why better than that whiny, lame, Neon Genesis Ev-can't-give-a-crap. The way the fight scenes drag out across 20 episodes, and essentially boil down to "I'm 20 times stronger than you!" "No, I'm 30 times stronger than you, because I was holding back!" "HA! I knew you were holding back, so I also held back, and I am now 80 times stronger than you could ever hope to be!" is certainly the right way to do things. Now, one of the things that characters can do in this show, as well as go super, (Super Sayian, Super Sonic, see the connection?) is fuse with other characters. Therefore, to make your character cooler than anyone else, give them the ability to fuse themselves with other characters! It will take the awesomeness of the characters that your character can fuse with, add it to your character's awesomeness, and multiply it by the number of characters that your character can fuse with. Here, let's work it out using Author Math™!
  19. Sonic's Awesomeness: 20
  21. Amy's Awesomeness: 10
  23. Silver's Awesomeness: 50
  25. Your character's awesomeness: 500
  27. 20+10+50+500=580
  29. 580X4=2320
  31. The resulting fusion's awesomeness: 2320, 232 times more awesome than Amy Rose! Considering how many people love Amy Rose, that's a pretty big achievement!
  33. Now, do you know who Eggman is? Good, because if you don't, just format your hard drive, buy a Sonic game, play it, and try again. Now, Eggman's canon portrayal in the games is that of an intelligent, brilliant, mechanical genius, except he's also a big baby, prone to throwing temper tantrums. He is portrayed differently in several other canons, like the bumbling buffoon of the TV series, the vicious dictator of the other TV series, and the relatively accurate portrayal of him on Sonic X. If you want to have your character to be orphaned, with his entire family slayed by Eggman and his robots, then remember: Forget everything I just said about canon portrayals, and make him a sneering, psychotic, cold-hearted murderous jerk, who murders kittens with rusty knives just for the heck of it. The reviewers will love you for it! They'll praise you on your darker and edgier portrayal of the show's villain, and everyone knows, evil villains make everything cooler!
  35. Better yet, forget about Eggman entirely. Give your story a super-kickass new villain, with better hair than Sephiroth, a backstory sadder than anyone else's, and more power than Goku. Keep Eggman in-character, and have a scene where Eggman complains about how evil the new villain is, and have this be the only thing that Eggman will ever do, except supply a few million robots for your villain to smash up, to show off. The new villain will be something powerful, and evil, like a hedgehog. If he/she is one of the prototypes for the Ultimate Life Form project, and therefore Shadow's older and cooler brother/sister, then that's even cooler!
  37. Speaking of the Ultimate Life Form, remember: A project often has several rough drafts, prototypes, and failed attempts. Therefore, your character can be one of these, and everyone will think it's an awesome and completely original idea.
  39. Also, if your character is a hedgehog, it MUST have a name starting with S. It's like, the ultimate rule of fanfiction, it's even more important than "Never have underaged characters engage in "That activity" on-screen".
  41. Now, class, take what you have learned, and put it all together. Behold, the coolest original character of all time!
  43. Seiryu the Hedgehog-Voxai™!
  45. She looks like Amy Rose, but her fur is purple with gold stripes, she has red eyes, and wears a blue dress with a gold trim. She is the most skilled Seiryu who ever lived, she has a laser katana, and she is one of the prototypes of the Ultimate Life Form project! She had all of Shadow's powers and abilities, plus her own, but Dr. Gerald Robotnik locked her away because she was too powerful and too perfect for the world to ever see. Female Voxai DNA was used in the process of her creation rather than Black Doom's, so she ended up with all the abilities of the Voxai, as well as the ability to grow tentacles out of her back and fight with them. (Voxai do have genders, there's just no easy way to tell, without asking them, or reading their minds and finding out). She is so powerful; she can fly, use chaos control, use psychokinesis, ride extreme gear quite well, run at super speed, fire chaos blasts, and cut through anything with her laser sword! She can even throw it like a boomerang, and with her psychokinesis, she can fight with it from a distance! She can fuse with Sonic, Amy, Shadow, Silver, Blaze and Charmy, to become SonShadAmySamuSilverCharmBla ze! SonShadAmySamuSilverCharmBla ze is so powerful, she could destroy every robot that Eggman had ever built ten thousand times over in one hour and not get tired, and she can bring people, even entire planets back to life using her ultimate technique, "Seiryu Spirit"! She believes that Sonic should marry Amy, Tails should marry Cream, Cosmo is a lame plant and therefore never existed, Shadow will marry Rouge, and E-123 Omega will marry Blaze! Seiryu is immortal, can't die, instantly heals from any wound, and never ages, so she will stay 17 forever. Some people would get upset about this, as it means she will never be old enough to do all the cool stuff adults do, but as a happy, cheerful, friendly kickass girl, she never lets it get her down. She constantly emits a psychic aura that makes everyone instantly like her, and also do whatever she says no matter how out-of-character it is for them. However, it doesn't work on robots, evil people, or dumb people. She also doesn't let this get her down, as Big the Cat likes her anyway, she despises all evil people with a fiery passion, and she loves nothing more than smashing up robots just for the heck of it. She may be cheerful and constantly smiling now, but when she gets mad, look out!
  47. However, a few character flaws, just to please those jerks who think everyone should be just as flawed as they are: Her red eyes glow in the dark, which is kinda creepy, and ruins most attempts at stealth. Also, she couldn't grind on a grind rail to save her life, she's deathly afraid of heights, she's a comically terrible flyer, she was born to destroy the world, and she really, really, really likes marshmallows.
  49. However, some character development, for those readers who prefer character development and relationships to awesomeness: She slowly gets over her fear of heights, with character development. However, she will always suck as grinding on rails.
  51. Now that we've got your character ready, with everything that a good character needs, we can begin writing her story.
  53. Now, remember what I said earlier about plot? Forget it, because plot is actually very important, got it?
  55. This story is going to be about Seiryu the Hedgehog-Voxai, so it should start with her being awakened from her cryogenic chamber, possibly located in space, on the Space Colony Ark as a delayed reaction to the failsafe being activated, or perhaps it was kept somewhere on Prison island, and after the power supply got cut when the island was destroyed, her pod sank to the bottom of the ocean, and it kept on working until it ran out of power after a few years, and she woke up. Both are good, but I think the Space Colony Ark one seems more realistic, as she's so powerful, Gerald would probably have her be the backup-backup-backup plan to destroy earth.
  57. So, she wakes up, then what? She could meet Sonic, get him to marry Amy, and do some wacky fun stuff with the rest of the Sonic crew!
  59. Or better yet, since she was supposed to destroy the world, she could beam herself down to earth, land, look around, and one of the characters that most authors ignore, or better yet, one that all readers love, could teach her right from wrong, and have her decide she'd rather save the earth.
  61. THEN, Silver the Hedgehog comes back from the future, the one where everything was destroyed, and fights her, thinking that he needs to kill her, to prevent her from destroying the earth. There's some foreshadowing here, about how a hedgehog-alien hybrid from the twilight cage will destroy the world.
  63. The two fight, and the fight is super freaking awesome, but just before Seiryu, who won, could do the finishing blow with her laser katana, somebody makes them stop fighting. Silver agrees to stop fighting Seiryu, and the two hug. Hint hint, relationship!
  65. So, the plot goes on, she does some more random fun stuff, maybe she meets Shadow, and helps him out with some crazy-fun, but crazy-hard missions that the Guardian Unit of Nations (G.U.N.) gave him.
  67. Then, the OTHER Ultimate Life Form prototype is released from stasis, as part of Gerald's Backup-backup-backup-backup plan! Her name is Psycho. Psycho does start with an S, got it?! Well, maybe it doesn't, but it sounds like it does, so it'll do. She was created with Zoah DNA, making her violent, super strong, and really violent and bloodthirsty. She is strong enough to destroy the entire earth in one blow, but she's so evil, she'd rather fly down to earth, and kill everyone she sees first, and then destroy the planet when the whole world is nothing but a barren wasteland, a giant clump of rock with no life remaining. To show how evil and powerful she is, she'll kill off a few villages, and a few of the characters that the fanbase doesn't really like, like Chris Thorndyke, Cosmo, and Cream's dad, whoever the hell he is.
  69. So, the two hedgehog-alien hybrids will fight, and the fight will be well beyond Hyper way-past-cool overkill chocolate-coated lemon scented super god-awesome! It'll be so cool, fanboys and fangirls everywhere will simultaneously soil themselves when they read it. They shall immortalise the author's name in rock, somewhere in the UK and another one in the US, where everyone can see it. Maybe one in Japan, too.
  71. So, when the fight is done, Seiryu and Psycho become friends, and travel around the galaxy together, for teh lulz. In the sequel, they'll fight the Time Eater, and go through all of the Sonic games.
  73. So, we've got the plot, we've got the characters, we've got the relationships, we've got the action, we've got the background music, and that's all a good story needs! Now go, and write something using the techniques I have taught you! But don't you dare steal my OCs, they are MINE, got it?! Do you have any idea how many ™s you see in this thing? Count them, then times it by Seiryu the Hedgehog-Voxai™'s awesomeness level. Work it out mathematically, using Author Math™! And then double it, because that's just how I roll! And, obviously, it should also be how you roll! That's why I'm making this guide! And deep down, that's the real reason people make guides: In the hopes that people will become more like them.
  75. Now go, and write your spectacularly awesome story. Make the fans weep tears of lemon-scented joy!
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