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Alicorn Filly Anon as of August 29th

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Aug 29th, 2018
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  1. Here's a collection of what I've written so far. I've been keepin' it in a text file, for occasions such as this. Apologies for odd formatting. It was just a direct copy/paste.
  2.  
  3. >Day 4562 in Equestria
  4. >The ponies have been fairly kind to me, even though due to some archaic law, I was doomed to be the gangly alien crashing on
  5.  
  6. someone's couch for the rest of the foreseeable future.
  7. >Apparently, legally only ponies were allowed to own land.
  8. >Still, it was nice to have company, and I tried to be helpful wherever I was staying.
  9. >I was in the middle of helping to feed yellowquiet's animals, with her listing off a laundry list of rules about Angel Bunny's
  10.  
  11. food like I hadn't heard it all several times before.
  12. >Not that it would matter either way if anyone followed them or not, the little shit.
  13. >The monologue was interrupted by the door to her cottage slamming open, prompting a terrified squeak from the pegasus and a
  14.  
  15. sudden disappearance.
  16. >The resident eggheaded princess of friendship barged right on in. "Anon! I think I finally found a solution to your residency
  17.  
  18. problem!"
  19. >I paused in looking under the shivering tablecloth with the suspicious length of pink tail peeking from beneath it.
  20. "Twilight, I'm flattered, but like I told Pinkie, I'm not looking to get married at this time."
  21. >She blinked owlishly for a moment before shaking her head. "What? No. I mean, yes, I guess that would technically work (and
  22.  
  23. maybe thought about over a few drinks) but that's not what I came over for! Now, as we know, the whole crux of the problem is
  24.  
  25. that you're not a pony, right? Thanks to your help in researching, I think I might finally have a solution!"
  26. "Now, hold on. Let's not do anything I'll regret--"
  27. >It was no use. Already her horn had flared to life and lanced out with a beam of thaumaturgical power, knocking a birdhouse
  28.  
  29. off the wall via human projectile.
  30. >Passing out seemed like a wise move at the moment.
  31.  
  32. ---
  33.  
  34. >Mumbling in the next room was the first thing that came to my attention, closely tied with a slight headache.
  35. "Uuuuuuugh... my head..."
  36. >That's odd. My voice sounded a little funny.
  37. >The mumbling paused, and I heard the sound of hoofsteps approaching.
  38. >Maybe I could pretend to be asleep still?
  39. >No such luck, as another groan escaped me as the door creaked open.
  40. >"How're you feeling, Anon?" asked an entirely too cheerful voice.
  41. >Forcing myself to sit up, I fixed book horse with as flat a stare as I could.
  42. "You knocked me into a wall."
  43. >Fluttershy peeked in and gave a little gasp, her eyes dilating like only a pony's could.
  44. >I swear, they were twinkling even.
  45. >Before I knew it, I was wrapped up in buttery hooves that were much larger than I remembered.
  46. >Heck, everything was larger than I remembered.
  47. >Since when was I covered in green fuzz?
  48. >Since when did I have hooves?
  49. "WHAT DID YOU DO, PURPLE?"
  50. >My hooves flailed in the grip of the overly affectionate pegasus, along with some limbs I couldn't quite identify yet.
  51. >Again, my voice was much higher than it should be.
  52. >"Aheh... heh heh... Welllll, funny story! Apparently there were a few complications from using myself as a template for the
  53.  
  54. spell, but other than that, everything went exactly as planned!"
  55. >Her wings shuffled sheepishly on her back even as she looked incredibly proud of herself.
  56. >I could feel deep in my gut that my life was about to become hell.
  57. "What. Worked. Twilight. Sparkle?"
  58. >As much venom as I could muster dripped from each word, even as I resigned myself to being cuddled by yellow hush.
  59. >Face full of pride, the princess of friendship dragged a full-size mirror into the room.
  60. >In it, Fluttershy was doting over a little green filly.
  61. >"You're a pony, Anon!"
  62. >My eye twitched. The filly's eye twitched.
  63. "Twilight. Did you turn me into a unicorn filly?"
  64. >More nervous laughter.
  65. >"TECHnically, no. That's part of the complications I mentioned."
  66. "It sure looks like I'm a unicorn, Twilight."
  67. >It was at this time that I felt Fluttershy fiddling with SOMETHING on my back.
  68. >In the mirror, she stretched out a green wing, nibbling and straightening feathers.
  69. "WHAT THE FUCK, TWILIGHT?? HOW DID YOU FUCK UP THIS MUCH?"
  70. >Twi shrank back, and Fluttershy pulled her disappearing act again.
  71. >"It... it was an accident. I thought you would be turned into a stallion! A normal stallion, you know? Not... well... you
  72.  
  73. know."
  74.  
  75.  
  76. >As the pegasus-sized lump in the bedding stopped shivering, Twilight scuffed at the floor.
  77. >"You're not... mad... are you?" she asked, hopeful tone to her voice.
  78. >I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
  79. "... I'm not mad, Twilight."
  80. >I was absolutely livid.
  81. "There was absolutely no way you could have known."
  82. >If she'd thought of things enough, she probably could have guessed.
  83. "Just turn me back, and everything should be just fine."
  84. >The lavender lady of literature winced.
  85. >"Wellll... I'm afraid we already tried when we saw how things turned out."
  86. >More awkward shuffling.
  87. >"The... uh... counterspell I made for it didn't work. At all."
  88. >I must've had an expression of blinding rage cross over my face, as Twilight took a few steps back before returning to her
  89.  
  90. position.
  91. >Deep breaths. In. Out. In.... out. Deep, calming breaths.
  92. "Well... at least it can't get any worse..."
  93. >As if to prove me wrong, trumpets were sounded outside, and insistent knocking began on the door.
  94. >Apparently, this was a surprise to Twilight as well.
  95. >Fumbling and stumbling in my new quadrupedal form, I followed Twilight downstairs just in time for the door to open itself in a
  96.  
  97. golden glow.
  98. >"Dearest Fluttershy! Of all of Twilight's friends I had hoped to join her in alicornhood, I was certain you would be the
  99.  
  100. first-- wait..."
  101. >Princess Celestia, Bringer of the Dawn, She of the Sunny Flanks, Pony Princess Prime, barged in, full of pride and ceremony.
  102.  
  103. It was hastily replaced with confusion, complete with slightly canted head.
  104. >"... Who are you? This is most unexpected."
  105. >Immediate nervous laughter and a terrible job of looking innocent by Twilight.
  106. >She should seriously get some acting lessons or something.
  107. >Obviously, there was only one thing to do.
  108. "Yo, Sunbutt. Blame Twilight."
  109.  
  110. >That did it. With a panicked shuffle of hooves and a pop of displaced air, purple smart vanished.
  111. >There was a few more moments of confusion as Princess Celestia regally strolled in, circling the filly before her.
  112. >I followed her with my gaze for a while before I caught sight of my own flank.
  113. "... What the hell, Twilight? What kind of cutie mark is this?"
  114. >It wasn't quite just a black question mark. The top part of it had a kink in the crook, making it look pretty heart-like.
  115. "Come on... Got turned into a pony, got turned into a GIRL pony, and now this? What kind of girly shit is this for a cutie
  116.  
  117. mark?"
  118. >Realization seemed to dawn on Celestia.
  119. >"... Anonymous?" she asked.
  120. >I raised a hoof as I looked over.
  121. "Speaking. Kinda."
  122. >Confusion hastily gave way to the princess's trademark calm smile, but amusement danced in those magenta eyes.
  123. >"You look... different today."
  124. >A nod as Fluttershy made her appearance at the top of the stairs.
  125. "Yeah... apparently things didn't go as planned. Twi tried to turn me into a pony, but didn't think things through as well as
  126.  
  127. she should. A waggle of her horn later, and BOOM! I'm like this."
  128. >Too much gesticulating, and I flop over with an 'oof'.
  129. >Open amusement spreads on Celestia's face as she sits beside me.
  130. >"Well, it's a nice look for you, I think."
  131. "Speak for yourself. I'm probably gonna be poking holes in shit with this thing and falling over myself for weeks."
  132. >I reached up to prod the horn spiraling out from my head, intensely frowning.
  133. >The whistle of a kettle distracted me from my death stare, and Princess Celestia helped me to my feet... err... hooves... with
  134.  
  135. a glow of her horn.
  136. >"Well, there's no sense in panicking over things right now. Let's have some tea to think things over with."
  137. >She led the way over to the table that Fluttershy was already loading with teacups, a steaming teapot, and a wide assortment of
  138.  
  139. little cakes and cookies.
  140. "... Aren't these the cookies I bought at Sugarcube Corner yesterday?"
  141. >Fluttershy shushed me and gave a smile.
  142. >"Only the best for our guests," the pegasus mumbled before hiding in her mane.
  143. "This shit wouldn't happen if I were allowed to have my own place. ... Hey wait! I should be able to do that shit now! Ha!
  144.  
  145. In yer face, Celestia! Your laws can't stop me now!"
  146. >The princess gave a calm smile. "That is so, Anonymous. Tell me, do you have all of your papers in order?"
  147. >My celebratory dance was cut short.
  148. >"How old do you think she is, Fluttershy?"
  149. "Hey! I'm a dude!"
  150. >Fluttershy looked me over as Celestia poured herself some tea and helped herself to one of my cookies.
  151. >"Um. Maybe... twelve?"
  152. >The princess took a sip and nodded. Setting her teacup down, she turned toward me.
  153. >"Even if you did have your papers, and the required bits, I doubt anypony would sell a home to a filly, even one as absolutely
  154.  
  155. precious as you."
  156. >I could feel my cheeks heat up a bit as I mumbled.
  157. "Y-you too..."
  158. >She took a nibble of the cookie, then waggled it at me in her magic.
  159. >"Now... I know you've been staying with Twilight and her friends for a long time now, but I don't think they would have the
  160.  
  161. time to look after and provide for a growing filly. They're very busy mares."
  162. "H-hey! I'm a grown-ass man! I can take care of myself!"
  163. >She tisked a little and shook her head. "I'm afraid not anymore you're not. You said it yourself. You can barely even walk.
  164.  
  165. Additionally, there are the legal complications of there suddenly being a pony where there once wasn't."
  166. >She swirled her tea in her cup as I grumbled acknowledgement to her logic.
  167. >"I'm sure Twilight will be trying to find a counterspell-"
  168. "Tried. Failed already."
  169. >She cleared her throat at the interruption.
  170. >"Yes. Well. All the more reason for my conclusions. Until you get used to your new form and until we get you documentation
  171.  
  172. that states you exist, you'll be coming to stay with me in Canterlot for a while."
  173. >An ugh of disgust escaped me before I could stop it.
  174. "With all the shitty nobles that have their heads so far up their--"
  175. >"Yes yes. They have their troubles, but I'm sure they'll be much more accommodating to a guest of the crown than to an alien
  176.  
  177. with your particular character."
  178. >I grumbled my assent, and I could tell it was all she could do to keep from clapping her hooves.
  179. >"Oh, this will be so much fun. I haven't had a daughter in centuries!"
  180. "Wait, what?"
  181. >"Nothing! Nothing. Now, come along, Anon! We'll send for your things later. We've got so much to do!"
  182. >With that, I was unceremoniously lifted from my seat and floated alongside the princess of the sun as she practically pranced
  183.  
  184. out the door.
  185. >I was still flailing in her magical field as the royal carriage was pulled into the sky by the guards.
  186.  
  187. >A lengthy flight later, and Celestia's carriage was descending between the spires of Canterlot.
  188. >Just like a bunch of faggoty nobles to want to live in giant penis buildings.
  189. >"Now, Anonymous, make sure you put your best hoof forward. There will be many ponies eager to learn all about you."
  190. "Ugh... Why did I have to get slapped with the princess package with Twilight's spell?"
  191. >Celestia smiled as we descended into the castle grounds.
  192. >"Well, from what I gather, Twilight used herself as a template for the spell. But, even if she used somepony else, alicornhood
  193.  
  194. is a symbol of having attained a level of maturity, wisdom, and skill above that of other ponies."
  195. "... One of the alicorns is still using diapers and can't even talk."
  196. >"Well... she's an exception. The circumstances of her birth are quite unusual."
  197. "As for maturity, you saw me at the gala that one year. I don't think those musicians will ever look at me the same."
  198. >"Part of maturity is knowing when to not be mature, and knowing yourself enough to be able to identify your shortcomings."
  199. >She's wearing that damn smile again.
  200. >"I'm very proud of you, Anon, whichever reason it is that you were granted alicornhood."
  201. >I blew a raspberry in response, then followed sunhorse out of the carriage, slightly taken aback by the lines of guard ponies
  202.  
  203. standing at attention.
  204. "Holy shit."
  205. >"Language, Anonymous. But yes. Perhaps the parade attention was a bit much, but they do so love their ceremony. It's not
  206.  
  207. every day another princess is found. Thank you, everypony!"
  208. >They didn't move.
  209. "Who said anything about being a princess? Ahh, fuck. I need a drink."
  210. >"Well, I'm sure after a few rounds of charm and etiquette classes, you'll do just fine. I'm sure everypony would understand if
  211.  
  212. we waited until you grew up a bit until official coronation."
  213. "Grown-ass man, Celestia."
  214. >"Adorable, little filly, Anon."
  215. >I could feel my teeth grind as she gave a pat atop my head with one of those huge wings of hers.
  216. >She led the way to the dining hall, where there were already maids setting out a meal.
  217. >A few looked surprised for a moment, then looked ever so happy as they looked me over.
  218. >Like a swarm of schoolgirls, they descended on me and proceeded to pamper, prod, cuddle, and fawn over me, resisting my
  219.  
  220. attempts to escape.
  221. "Princess! Halp!"
  222. >Such was not in the plan, though. Celestia had already sat at one of the seats and smiled back over as she poured herself some
  223.  
  224. tea.
  225. >"Best to let them get it out of their systems, my little one," she cheerfully replied, watching the carnage with glee.
  226. >Eventually, they deposited me on a seat and put an overly large slice of cake in front of me before disappearing.
  227. "... I feel so violated..."
  228. >With a shake of my head, I turned my attention to the snack before myself.
  229. >At least castle cake was usually pretty good, as Celestia's south end could attest.
  230. >Not that I had a period of staring at it.
  231. >Not that much.
  232. >NothingAtAll.mp4
  233. >But enough thinking about pony butts. There was cake to be had, before it mysteriously disappeared and the princess in the
  234.  
  235. room would wipe her mouth for 'no reason'.
  236. >Reaching for a fork, I was met with only the clink of hoof on metal, and no mouthful of cake.
  237. >I looked down, confusion washing over me for a moment.
  238. >Oh. Right. Hooves.
  239. >Awkwardly, I tried fiddling with the flatware, to no avail.
  240. >"What's the matter, Anon? Don't you want your cake?"
  241. >A frown in her direction showed she was in mischief mode.
  242. >"Well, if you're not going to eat it..."
  243. >A golden glow surrounded the plate as she began.
  244. >Nope. Nope nope.
  245. >With a reflex that surprised even me, I hastily buried my face into the cake, taking as large a bite as I could.
  246. >Sure, I got icing all over my face, but I showed her I was not to be beaten.
  247. >Cheeks bulging, I glared in her direction and raised my hands... err.. hooves... in victory.
  248. >There was a moment of disappointment across the face of the sun before she returned to amusement.
  249. >"Ohoho... eager, are we? You're supposed to eat it, not wear it, Anon."
  250. >The glow switched over to a napkin.
  251. >"You've gotten it all over. Let me clean you up. Precious as it is, a sticky filly can make a mess of things."
  252. >I tried to fight off the attack of the flying napkin, but apparently a thousand years gives quite a bit of experience with
  253.  
  254. dodging flailing limbs.
  255. >Eventually, I finished my mouthful and sputtered.
  256. "Quit it! I can clean myself off!"
  257. >A titter came from her direction. One last scrub, then she lowered the napkin enough to show my frown.
  258. >With a sigh, I shook my head, then put my chin on the table.
  259. "I can't deal with this shit. What's a guy going to have to do to get a glass of scotch?"
  260. >"Oh, not much. Ask nicely... in about ten years or so."
  261. >Wut.
  262. "Wat."
  263. >"Alcohol isn't good for growing fillies."
  264. "It's not good for adults either, but they drink it just fine! And so did I!"
  265. >Celestia looked lost in thought.
  266. >"Though... you are an alicorn... I guess we'll see if it'll be longer before you're grown up."
  267. >My teeth ached with how hard I was gritting them.
  268. "Sunbutt, so help me, if you try and keep me from my booze, I will brew and distill it myself and not share a drop of it with
  269.  
  270. you, unless it's to literally drop it on you."
  271. >She paused once again.
  272. >"Well, I suppose that's acceptable. After all, there's not any laws about fillies and colts making alcohol. Just selling it
  273.  
  274. or providing it to them."
  275. "...what."
  276. >"How else would somepony earn a brewing cutie mark? It would be a long wait, otherwise."
  277. >I dragged by hooves down my face as I tried to remember old infographics on prison wine and hooch and moonshine.
  278. >Geez, that was ages ago now.
  279.  
  280. "Fine. Fine. I can do this. I'll show you I won't be stopped."
  281. >She giggled a little, and I felt myself floating again as she got it.
  282. >"Yes yes, I'm sure you'll do your best. Now, let's show you to your new room."
  283. "I can walk just fine, you know. ... I wouldn't mind learning how to use this knob on my forehead, though, so I don't have to
  284.  
  285. eat like a fucking animal."
  286. >"All in due time. I'll set you up with some tutors for flying and magic once you get settled, and we can get you enrolled in
  287.  
  288. school after I pull a few strings and get you an identity."
  289. >I crossed my... forehooves. The impact of my displeasure was lessened by being floated upside down and behind her.
  290. "Again, I'm an adult, Celestia. Why the hell would I go through the hell that is school again?"
  291. >She looked back and smiled for a moment before looking ahead once again.
  292. >"Once again, not anymore you're not. Could you imagine the scandal if I allowed a filly to not attend school? The papers
  293.  
  294. would talk about it for weeks. The nobles would come to court just to nag about it."
  295. "Snrrk... nag... because they're ponies... heheh..."
  296. >She rolled her eyes and continued on.
  297. >"You'll just have to bear it. I'm sure if you've been through it once, it will be easy. And if you need any help with
  298.  
  299. assignments, I'll be around to lend a helping hoof. Eee, this is going to be so much fun!"
  300. >She pranced on down the hallway as I floated behind her, slowly tumbling in her magic.
  301. >If she floated you a bit further to the side, maybe I could see behind that billowing, pastel tail and--
  302. >None of that. They are ponies.
  303. >... But so was I at the moment.
  304. >Nope. Nope. Not going there. Ending that line of thought.
  305. >Just in time, too.
  306. >Celestia opens a door and marches on inside.
  307. >"Heeeere we are! Your new room! It used to be Cadance's room when she was younger."
  308. >Wow. That's a lot of pink.
  309. >Pink bedsheets. Pink floor rug. Pink curtains. Pink dresser.
  310. >Pink pink pink.
  311. "... It looks like the little girl toy aisle threw up in here. Did there have to be so many hearts?"
  312. >"Well, it does match her cutie mark. It matches yours too, you know."
  313. "Uuuuuugh. Don't remind me."
  314. >"Well, I'll let you get comfortable. If you need me or anything else, just ask one of the staff and they'll be able to help
  315.  
  316. you. I've got to go get started on things."
  317. >With that, I was unceremoniously dumped on the bed as she pranced out the door.
  318. "THE BED'S TRYING TO EAT ME!"
  319. >I flailed for a moment before managing to get my head back above the level of the rest of the sheets.
  320. >Who needed a bed this soft, anyways?
  321. "All your fault, Twilight."
  322. >Sure, she couldn't hear the accusation, but it made me feel better.
  323.  
  324. >Day 4563 in Equestria
  325. >...I think. I don't know how long I was knocked out when book horse fucked up.
  326. >TL:DR, Now a little filly, and an alicorn. Celestia dragged my green ass back to the castle.
  327. >When Twilight fucks up, she REALLY fucks up.
  328. >At the moment, I was sitting on a balcony, looking down on Canterlot.
  329. >I wondered if hocking a loogie onto a guard was a crime, and if I could even pull it off from this height.
  330. >Before too long, my pondering was interrupted by an audible gurgle from my stomach.
  331. "Holy crap. How the fuck did I get hungry enough for that to happ... oh wait. Seems like it always happens to hungry ponies."
  332. >Getting to my hooves, I stumble my way toward the castle kitchens.
  333. >After a journey in which I only got accosted by overeager staff three times, I found myself right outside the kitchens.
  334. >I considered how to operate the doorknob with hooves, since I had no intention of putting it in my mouth.
  335. >Who knows what the hell could be on it?
  336. >I reached for it, only for it to retreat away from me as the door opened.
  337. >A very large, very blue alicorn paused in exiting the kitchens, a bowl of ice cream floating beside her.
  338. >I stared. As did she.
  339. >"Sisteeeeeer..! Why is there a little filly in the castle, and why is she an alicorn?"
  340. >As Luna called for her sister, I found myself thankful I wasn't at ground zero for all-caps Canter-lock voice.
  341. "Yo. Three pony moon. How ya been?"
  342. >She paused, raising a brow before turning her head toward the ceiling.
  343. >"...and why does she apparently know who I am?"
  344. "I hate to break it to ya, Luna, but you're a princess. I think all of Equestria knows who you are."
  345. >A flat look is turned in my direction.
  346. >"Do not assume, just because you have attained alicornhood that you may address me so informally on our first meeting, young
  347.  
  348. filly."
  349. >I looked around, then beckoned her closer. As she obliged, I put a hoof over her leaned down neck.
  350. "Like I've ever given two shits about that crap. Besides... we've met before, just not like this."
  351. >She frowns, starting to open her mouth to object, only for me to put a hoof over it.
  352. "Shh sh sh shh... Maybe the gala from a couple of years ago will jog your memory. It's a bit foggy, but I think I remember
  353.  
  354. something about the taste of blueberries..."
  355. >She blinks a couple of times before her face starts turning purple.
  356. >"I... I don't... what? H-how..? Who..?"
  357. "Blame Twilight. Got turned into this."
  358. >Her eyes widen even more as I hear the tone of gold-shod hooves approaching.
  359. >"Ahh, there you are. Sister, dear, I've got some wonderful news! Anonymous will be--"
  360. >"YesIfiguredItOutIHAVETOGOBYE!"
  361. >After blurting her response, she took off at a gallop before exploding into a puff of shadows.
  362. >Her ice cream started to fall, only for it too to vanish into shadows.
  363. >The princess of the sun stared in the direction of her sister's hasty departure.
  364. >"Not exactly the way I planned on letting her know, but you can't win them all, I guess."
  365. >She then turned her smile back on me.
  366. >"And what were you two up to?"
  367. "Ehh. Nothin', really. Just crossed paths."
  368. >My stomach chose this moment to let out an even louder rumble.
  369. >"Oho, that was a good one. Let's get you something to eat. Growing fillies need plenty of nutrition."
  370. >Dammit.
  371. "Grown man, Celery!"
  372. >Her hoof poked me right on the nose.
  373. >My entire face felt like it was collapsing in on itself.
  374. >Huh. So that's what it feels like.
  375. >"Not anymore, Anonymous. Since you're not a human anymore, your dietary needs and tastes have likely changed a bit, so what
  376.  
  377. better time than now for an impromptu lesson?"
  378. >Oh fuck.
  379. >I turn to awkwardly run away, only for her to preempt my escape by picking me up with her magic again.
  380. >I cross my arms (...forelegs?) and grump as hard as I can.
  381. "This is fucking bullshit."
  382. >"Language, dearie. And yes, life isn't fair. Now let's get you some food."
  383. >She deposits me on her back and strolls into the kitchen, a head of lettuce already floating toward a bowl as she goes.
  384. >Uuuuugh.
  385. >In an impressive display of magical dexterity, she chops up the lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, and onions all at the same time,
  386.  
  387. while oil and vinegar are shaken into a salad dressing.
  388. >In no time at all, I'm on a stool by a counter, with a bowl of salad in front of me.
  389. "You really don't have to do this, you know."
  390. >"Oh, but it's my pleasure!"
  391. >She speared some of the leaves on a fork, then started floating it toward me.
  392. "I can feed myself, dammit."
  393. >She tisks and shakes her head.
  394. >"Now now, you said it yourself, didn't you? Something about not wanting to eat like an animal? Well, until you learn to use
  395.  
  396. your horn, you'll just have to deal with me feeding you."
  397. "Like hell, I will."
  398. >"Now, don't be like that. It's quite good. Open wide for the pegasus, Anon. It's coming in for a landing. Nyeowww..."
  399. >She makes swooping motions with the fork.
  400. >How degrading.
  401. "That's pretty damn morbid, Celefblblfbfmf."
  402. >She took the opportunity of my open mouth to stuff the forkful of salad in as I was talking.
  403. >"Mmmm, now isn't that good? Yum yum."
  404. >A glare was her reply.
  405. >Though, after a bit of evaluation, it did taste okay.
  406. >With a hmph, I idly chewed, then swallowed.
  407. >She already had another forkful ready and waiting as she smiled expectantly at me.
  408. "You'd better not be getting off on this or something weird."
  409. >With that grumble, I begrudgingly accepted the next bite.
  410. >"Nothing of the sort. Now, good fillies who finish everything get dessert."
  411. >I made a mental note to get her back for this.
  412. >...but I still finished the salad.
  413. >Because hey. Dessert.
  414.  
  415. >Another day in Equestria.
  416. >After fucking up another spell, I found myself to be the latest pony sporting the latest in alicorn fashion.
  417. >Celestia had dragged me off to Canterlot.
  418. >Life in the castle was slowly becoming a bit more tolerable.
  419. >The maids seemed to have gotten over their tendency to assault me with cuddles.
  420. >Mostly.
  421. >Celestia assured me that she was still working to take care of the legal matters that would make me technically exist to the
  422.  
  423. legal system, but she always followed it up with that weird cryptic smile.
  424. >Meh. Probably nothing.
  425. >I was in the middle of trying to figure out a way to use my new hooves to use some flatware when the telltale hum of magic
  426.  
  427. accompanied the door opening.
  428. >A mob of servants and guards descended upon me before I could react.
  429. "Agh! Watch where you put that thing! Ow! Where'd you learn to use a comb? What the fuck is going on??"
  430. >"The princess has ordered us to make you ready and to escort you to the balcony for an announcement to the public."
  431. >Apparently this involved massive levels of brushing.
  432. >Then I saw a makeup kit and dress approaching.
  433. "I'm not havin' any part of that."
  434. >My protests and attempt at escape was thwarted by the many ponies fussing over my mane and tail.
  435. >A flurry of activity later, and I wobbled, head spinning.
  436. "I... I feel so used..."
  437. >"Now now, no fainting. You veel ruin ze dress!"
  438. >Some prissy unicorn held up a mirror.
  439. >My mane glistened.
  440. >My coat shone.
  441. >They somehow made my eyelashes look huge.
  442. >Everything in general had a sparkliness to it.
  443. "I look like a total fag."
  444. >I started trying to remove the dress at least, but a couple of guards grabbed me and started dragging me along before I could
  445.  
  446. get a good start.
  447. >"No time. The announcement will happen shortly."
  448. "What announcement? What the fuck is going on?"
  449. >"Nopony knows. So, just smile and nod, and keep quiet, for Celestia's sake."
  450. >After a winding trip down halls I hadn't been down before, I spotted the royal sisters standing beside a pair of double doors.
  451. >"Ah, and here she is now."
  452. >Celestia smiled a little too wide for my liking.
  453. "What's going on, and why do I look like a total fruit?"
  454. >"Oh, it's wonderful, Anonymous. I've finally finished everything needed. There were a few... complications... but I've
  455.  
  456. managed to find a way to fix your troubles."
  457. "I guess that's good?"
  458. >She continued before I could ask more.
  459. >"All that remains is to make a teensy little announcement. Oh, and if anypony asks, your name is Emerald Dawn."
  460. "Wait, what?"
  461. >Before I could get more detail, she opened the doors and marched out onto a balcony overlooking a crowd of ponies below.
  462. >A veritable wall of cheering hit me as the two stood and waved.
  463. >"Thank you, everypony! I'm so glad you could make it."
  464. >The crowd quieted down, apart from someone that shouted how much they loved the princesses.
  465. >Hah, what a loser.
  466. >"These past few days, our castle has had a most special guest. A remarkable and wonderful filly. She has suffered much
  467.  
  468. hardship in her life and has come through it stronger and wiser."
  469. >Well, that certainly sounded like a load of horse shit.
  470. >"She was drawn to my attention when she accomplished some very impressive deeds, and has only grown on me since she has been
  471.  
  472. here."
  473. >A servant gave me a nudge from behind.
  474. >I gave them a scowl, then started walking out as they made 'shoo shoo' motions.
  475. >"So, without further ado, allow me to introduce you to... Emerald Dawn!"
  476. >I could hear Luna murmur under her breath, "I still think Shaded Clover would've been a better name.."
  477. >They parted a little, revealing a tiny little ramp up to a pedestal.
  478. >Supposing it was for me, I wandered my way on up.
  479. "... Holy crap, that's a lot of ponies..."
  480. >I felt a jab in my back, and reflexively I jerked straighter, wings snapping wide of their own accord.
  481. >Another round of cheering and stomping hooves washed over me.
  482. >Eventually, Celestia rose a hoof to speak again.
  483. >"As I mentioned, this poor, poor filly has suffered such great hardships. Her parents and extended family had a tragic
  484.  
  485. accident at a family reunion, and she had nopony to take care of her."
  486. >Who would believe that?
  487. >"So, in recognition of her accomplishments in becoming an alicorn, and since this poor orphan and I have grown so close..."
  488. >She steps closer and wraps a wing around me, giving me a smile for a moment before continuing.
  489. >"...I hereby announce that I will be adopting Emerald Dawn as my very own daughter!"
  490. >Wat.
  491. "What the f-"
  492. >My objections were drowned out by the cheering.
  493. >I snapped my head in Celestia's direction.
  494. >"Smile, Anon. The crowd is watching," she quietly asided to me.
  495. >A look the other way showed Luna was just as caught off-guard as I was.
  496. >"Sister, you can't be-"
  497. >"OBVIOUSLY," continued sunbutt, "Emerald Dawn is still a bit young to serve as a princess to our great nation, so until the
  498.  
  499. time comes when she is old enough to be coronated and take on her royal mantle and duties, I shall do my best to be a loving
  500.  
  501. mother to her. I may not be a replacement for what she has lost, but I shall strive to do my best!"
  502. >With that, she abruptly pulled me into a rib creaking hug.
  503. >Sounds of the crowd exploded once again.
  504. >With a final wave, our little group was led off the balcony.
  505.  
  506. "What the fuck, Celestia?"
  507. >"Language, dear."
  508. "No, really. What the hell is this?"
  509. >Luna nodded in agreement. "I must admit, sister. I too am puzzled by this."
  510. >"Well, there was quite a bit of red tape around the issue, and the simplest way to cut through it all was to draw up the papers
  511.  
  512. and adopt you myself. If any complications arise, I'll deal with them myself."
  513. "Still pretty messed up, Sunbutt."
  514. >She smiled a little too cheerfully.
  515. >"Now now. Is that any way to speak to your mother? Now, come along, Emerald. There's still much to be done, including
  516.  
  517. presentations, public greetings, newspaper interviews and photographers..."
  518. "Luna! Help!"
  519. >And with that, my entire week was destroyed by being dragged around alongside fusion flanks everywhere she went.
  520.  
  521.  
  522. >Another day in Equestria.
  523. >Tl;dr: Purple fucked up, turned me into a filly alicorn.
  524. >Currently, I am sitting by Celestia's side at a boring ass play.
  525. >How can ponies with a special talent in acting be so fucking dull?
  526. >I tried getting out of it by claiming to need to go to the restroom, but Celestia followed along 'to make sure everything went
  527.  
  528. okay', so I couldn't ditch like I wanted to.
  529. >After a moment of thought, a devilish idea comes to mind.
  530. >Turning toward sunbutt, I cleared my throat.
  531. "Yo. Celestia."
  532. >"Emerald, dear, it's okay to call me Mother. Or Mom. Or maybe even Mommy."
  533. >Yeah, that's another thing. Celestia set up a fake identity for me so I could legally exist, and then promptly adopted me as
  534.  
  535. she did so.
  536. "Yyyeah, not happening. Anyways, this is my last request to ditch this place. From now on, I'm going to start saying penis
  537.  
  538. over and over at gradually louder increments until we get out of here."
  539. >She paused, then sighs.
  540. >"Anonym-- Emerald Dawn, it's not even the second act. I promise you that you'll like it if you just give it a chance."
  541. >Welp. She chose her path.
  542. [i]"Penis."[/i]
  543. >It was just a whisper, but her ears perked slightly. Her eyes dart about briefly.
  544. >"Now now, let's be reasonable. Good fillies don't-"
  545. [b]"Penis."[/b]
  546. >Her eyes darted around again as her smile took on a slightly nervous edge.
  547. >"Emerald, you'll disrupt the play."
  548. >My gaze remained locked on her.
  549. [u][b]"Penis. Penis!"[/b][/u]
  550. >Ponies were starting to steal glances up toward the royal box seats.
  551. >"Young lady, you will not take that tone with-"
  552. [b]"PENIS."[/b]
  553. >A low hiss could be heard as ponies began to whisper.
  554. >Celestia's gaze met mine.
  555. >My eyes narrowed.
  556. >She almost imperceptibly shook her head.
  557. >I answered with a nod.
  558. >More perceptibly she shook her head.
  559. >I drew breath as her eyes widened.
  560.  
  561. >A young couple sat in a booth at Pony Joe's, making goo-goo eyes at each other.
  562. >"No, youuuu order!"
  563. >"But what should I order, sugar-lumpkin?"
  564. >"Ohh, I don't know, hunny bunny."
  565. >"What do you want to eat?"
  566. >"...What do you think I want to eat?"
  567. >At this moment, the windows shook.
  568. >The plates rattled.
  569. >A coffee cup fell off of the wall and crashed to the floor as a wall of sound washed over Canterlot.
  570. [o][u][b]"PENIS!!!"[/b][/u][/o]
  571. >The couple stared at each other for a moment, then promptly became very interested in their own menus, faces beet red.
  572.  
  573. >...and that's how I found myself being floated along as Celestia made a panicked run back to the castle.
  574. >Lights were coming on in windows as we passed.
  575. >Ponies poked their heads out in confusion.
  576. >In moments, we were back in the castle as Celestia slammed the doors closed.
  577. >"Are you happy, Anonymous? You just made a media nightmare in a single night. Do you know what you've done? What do you have
  578.  
  579. to say for yourself?"
  580. >With smug satisfaction, I knew there was but one answer.
  581. >My grin cracked my face in two as I uttered a single word.
  582. "... Penis."
  583. >With a sigh, she shakes her regal head, mane billowing a bit more from the motion.
  584. >"... Go to your room. You're grounded."
  585. >There was a brief pop, and I was surrounded by the pink prison that was my room.
  586. >Totally worth it.
  587.  
  588.  
  589. >Another day in Equestria
  590. >I sit on the balcony of my room, grounded to my opulent, if overly pink and heart covered bedroom.
  591. >If this is supposed to be a punishment, Celestia has a lot to learn about punishment.
  592. >The maids were even still serving, even if they were still a bit cuddly.
  593. >So, I sat on the balcony, sipping chocolate milk and reading newspapers discussing the antics that led to my grounding.
  594. >Apparently Celestia had announced my grounding and at the same time announced taking applications for etiquette tutors.
  595. >Boy, they'll be in for a surprise.
  596. >The fluttering of wings drew my attention upward as the other sister landed.
  597. >"Ah. Anonymous. It is good to see you."
  598. "Luna. Good seeing you as well. Don't let your sister hear you call me that."
  599. >She let out a chuckle, then nodded.
  600. >"She certainly is being enthusiastic about this. Perhaps this would make me 'Auntie Luna'?"
  601. "Ugh. Don't even joke. I'd like to put that off as long as possible."
  602. >She nodded. "Understandable. It does add an awkwardness to things that was not there before."
  603. >I took a long draw from my chocolate milk before nodding in agreement.
  604. >There was a brief moment of silence before Luna fidgeted in place and clearing her throat.
  605. >"On an unrelated note, we have... been thinking on things since our last... major interaction."
  606. >She dragged her hoof in a circle on the balcony as she found great interest in the railing around it.
  607. >"I had been meaning to speak with you for some time. Your circumstances have certainly changed things though."
  608. >Warning bells started going off in my head.
  609. "Uhh..."
  610. >"Though, we have given it much thought these past few days, and we are not [i]completely[/i] unfamiliar with the Sapphic
  611.  
  612. pleasures, so..."
  613. "Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa."
  614. >She paused in the middle of what I could only assume was a confession of some sort to look at me.
  615. "Aren't I like... hundreds of years younger than you? And technically legally underage at the moment?"
  616. >She gave a bashful smile and swayed from side to side.
  617. >"Well... we art somewhat new to this 'underage' concept and this 'age of consent' idea. But we are not averse to waiting, and
  618.  
  619. technically thou art mentally well prepared for such things, if thy actions at the gala are any indication..."
  620. >Oh god.
  621. >Jesus, Buddha, Satan, Tirek, Faust, Celestia, anyone who was listening... please tell me that she wasn't saying what I thought
  622.  
  623. she was.
  624. >She gave a bashful smile and went back to her admiration of the tile work of the balcony, scuffing her hoof as her cheeks
  625.  
  626. gained a bit of red.
  627. "Nope."
  628. >"... what?"
  629. "NOPE. Nope nope nope nope nope."
  630. >I galloped off with a skill I didn't know I had.
  631. >She called out to me, hoof likely outstretched after me.
  632. >"We shall see thee around the castle, Anonymous! Prithee, give it some thought?"
  633. >Fuck.
  634. >At least the guards outside my room didn't keep me from escaping.
  635.  
  636.  
  637. >Another day in Equestria
  638. >I sat in the library, coloring in a coloring book I was provided by a maid.
  639. >Apparently, ponies add just a bit of flavor to the crayons for those that have to use their mouth.
  640. >I anticipate there would be a larger amount of crayon-eaters in kindergarten as a result.
  641. >It's not the most elegant way to learn how to manipulate things with my mouth, but it's what'll be needed.
  642. >Suddenly, the door squeaked open. Well, perhaps not 'suddenly', as the squeak took a couple of seconds due to the incoming
  643.  
  644. pony trying and failing to be quiet.
  645. >A guard looked around for a moment, then made a line directly to my table and cleared his throat.
  646. >"Emerald Dawn, your presence is requested. Please, follow me."
  647. >I looked up at him for a few moments, resisting the urge to correct him.
  648. >Fucking Celestia and her adoption bullshit.
  649. >Though, that didn't mean I couldn't fuck with him a little.
  650. >Calmly, I set down the brown crayon and smiled up at the guard, folding my hooves and fluttering my now undoubtedly freakishly
  651.  
  652. large eyes.
  653. "Hoofjobs are a hundred bits, mouth is five hundred, putting it inside is a thousand."
  654. >Another flutter of my eyelashes as the guard's face turned into a tomato red, even as he kept up the stoic expression.
  655. >"Ahem. Your... your MOTHER requests your presence," he eventually clarified.
  656. >I tilted my head, tapping my chin.
  657. "Gee, that's kinda kinky. I'll probably need to tack on another thousand at least..."
  658. >He balks for a moment. "N-no, she wishes to speak with you."
  659. >With a nod, I stand up.
  660. "Ahh, that's completely different. Lead the way."
  661. >I looked over my shoulder as I paused, giving a shit-eating grin.
  662. "Just messing with ya. Off we go."
  663. >With a grumble, the guard leads the way, looking a bit stiffer in his gait than usual.
  664. >Eventually, I was led into the study of the princess of the sun.
  665. >"Ahh, there you are. Thank you, sir. I trust Emerald wasn't any trouble? I know she can be a hoof full at times."
  666. >I gave the guard another grin.
  667. >"Nothing I couldn't deal with, Princess."
  668. >As Celestia nodded, I bobbed a hoof in front of my open mouth, poking my cheek out with my tongue.
  669. >He made a hasty exit when Celestia dismissed him, and I was back to a stoic expression by the time she turned back to me.
  670. "So what's up, Sunbutt?"
  671. >There was a moment of not-quite-a-sigh before she perked right back up.
  672. >"Well, as you know, I've been looking for tutors to get you back up to speed with your new life."
  673. "I feel sorry for whatever sap gets that job."
  674. >"Oh, I assure you she is a very capable pony. She has experience with teaching young ponies, and has a stellar educational
  675.  
  676. background."
  677. >I let out an uuuugh.
  678. "She sounds like a total nerd."
  679. >Her smile widens a hair for a moment at that.
  680. >"Be that as it may, she is also somepony I can expect to keep secrecy if you were to let slip about your actual predicament.
  681.  
  682. After all, she was in a similar situation not too long ago."
  683. "...wait a minute..."
  684. >Before I could say anything else, she bid the mystery pony to enter, though it wasn't much of a mystery.
  685. >My suspicions were confirmed as they entered.
  686. >They were purple.
  687. >They were cheerful.
  688. >They sported a pair of wings and a horn.
  689. >"Hello again, Anon!"
  690. "You! You're the entire reason I'm in this mess, purplesmart!"
  691. >She stepped back for a moment in shock before continuing over to wrap me in yet another unwanted hug.
  692. >"Yes, and I'm terribly sorry about that. The very least I can do is to do everything I can to help you adjust to your new
  693.  
  694. life."
  695. "Don't you have a fucking school to run?"
  696. >She wags a brief hoof.
  697. >"The others can handle things there for a while, and I can be back there in moments if they needed me personally."
  698. >She stroked a hoof on my mane, no matter how hard I glowered at her.
  699. >"It's more important for me to be here, helping you to get the basics until other tutors can be hired."
  700. >[p]"Gee, that's really swell of you, Twilight!"[/p]
  701. >Everypony froze.
  702. >I became aware of another pair of hooves around me.
  703. >"Pinkie! How'd you get here?" demanded book horse.
  704. >[p]"My Pinkie sense told me I'd meet a friend who'd gone through a BIG change if I followed you, so I hid inside your luggage
  705.  
  706. and WOW it wasn't kidding!"[/p]
  707. >I found myself wrested from Twilight's grasp into a Pinkie Pie cuddle.
  708. >It felt like my bones were creaking.
  709. >[p]"Who would've thought that this was where you went, Anon? Or is it Emerald Dawn? Or is it Anon? Or is it--Emfrlfmfl"[/p]
  710. >Twilight seemed to have picked up Applejack's hoof-in-mouth technique at some point.
  711. >"You CAN'T let anypony know about that, Pinkie. If everypony knew Celestia's new daughter-"
  712. "Not her daughter," I interrupted.
  713. >There was a brief flat look before Twilight continued.
  714. >"If everypony knew Celestia's new daughter was Anonymous, who knows what they would do to her? Remember that incident at the
  715.  
  716. Gala and what happened with BlueBlood?"
  717. >Pinkie bobbled her head in the affirmative before extracting Twilight's hoof.
  718. >[p]"Okie dokie loki! My lips are sealed. Hi, Princess! I didn't know you and Emeraldonymous were so close!"[/p]
  719. >Celestia seemed to be taking it all in stride.
  720. >"Hello, Pinkie. It's good to see you again. And while I like to think Anonymous and I are close, it's partly a legal
  721.  
  722. loophole. I'm sure we will get closer regardless, and I hope to be a fine mother to Emerald Dawn."
  723. "I'm still a grown-ass man, pastry-pillager."
  724. >"Still an adorable little filly, Anon. Isn't she adorable, Pinkie?"
  725. >Half the air in the room must have been taken in at Pinkie's gasp.
  726. >[p]"Isn't she ever??"[/p] she began before descending into a 60 car pileup of words while violently waggling me about in her
  727.  
  728. enthusiastic hug.
  729. >I would have sworn my revenge on Celestia, if I could breathe.
  730. >She just kept on smiling at the scene, Twilight moving to sit by her side to keep from being hit by Pinkie's affection.
  731. >I'll have to get them back another day.
  732. >After I've healed from earth pony cuddles.
  733.  
  734.  
  735.  
  736. >Day Intrigue in Equestria
  737. >Two ponies sit in a dimly lit room.
  738. >"I tell you, it's absolutely horrible! With Auntie having a daughter, I'm even farther from the throne if anything should
  739.  
  740. happen! It's not fair."
  741. >"Yes, sir."
  742. >"Well, I'm not going to just sit by and let it happen. Do you have that thing I told you to get?"]
  743. >The other pony held up a bottle, its contents glowing faintly in the dim light.
  744. >"Excellent. Excellent. With this my plan shall be flawless!"
  745.  
  746. ---
  747.  
  748. "Uuuuuuuuugh. So boooooooored."
  749. >I planted my face against the desk I was seated at.
  750. >"Well, maybe you should've thought of that before embarrassing the princess in front of everypony at that play.
  751. "It was her or me, Twilight, and I refuse to be defeated in a contest of wills."
  752. >Twilight shook her head.
  753. >"Well, I guess you'll just have to live with the consequences.
  754. >She turned back to the chalkboard behind her.
  755. "C'mon, Twiggles. We've been at this for hours. Can't we take a break?"
  756. >"It's been thirty two minutes and fifty two seconds, Anon."
  757. >I grinned and lifted my head.
  758. "Haah. You used my real name."
  759. >She rolls her eyes.
  760. >"Now then, as I was saying, [i]Emerald[/i], the thaumis olfactorium bulb is what allows unicorns and alicorns to perceive the
  761.  
  762. flow of magic around them and manipulate it to their will. Its true purpose was discovered in the Celestial Era 221 by Luminous
  763.  
  764. Litany..."
  765. "UUUUUGH. I don't see how this will help me use this forehead phallus."
  766. >"Would you stop calling it that?"
  767. "Not as long as it keeps upsetting you."
  768. >The door burst open, and in walked a piece of trash.
  769. >"Really, Twilight, the youth of today need a break every so often."
  770. >I could see her suppress a grimace.
  771. >"Hello, Blueblood. To what do we owe the pleasure?"
  772. >If there were any more sarcasm in her voice, I probably could have bottled it.
  773. >"Do I really need a reason to get to know my new cousin? Auntie has been so busy that we haven't had much time to interact."
  774. >A likely reason. Memories of force feeding a jerk pony random snacks off of a table at a fancy party came to mind, but nothing
  775.  
  776. concrete.
  777. "I dunno. I heard you were kinda a douche."
  778. >"...As much as I would like to ask what that is, I come bearing refreshments. I know Twilight can get carried away with
  779.  
  780. projects that Auntie has given her, so have a drink."
  781. >He set down some 'McHayBurger' cup on my desk.
  782. >"I'd have gotten something myself, but I think my lips would burn from such common fare."
  783. >"McHayBurger is a perfectly respectable establishment with affordable prices."
  784. >"Yes, I see that commoner tastes don't vanish when given wings."
  785. "I think some of them know her order when she walks in the door."
  786. >Twilight gives me such a stink-eye as I give an inquisitive sniff at the drink.
  787. "So what's in it?"
  788. >I'm already taking a drink as he talks.
  789. >"Oh, it's just some mixed drink. I'm not familiar with such peasant trash."
  790. >Eyerolls abound.
  791. >I start to say something, but get interrupted by a hiccup before anything meaningful got out.
  792. >A fucking heart seemed to float out.
  793. "I... kinda feel funny..."
  794. >The world felt a bit fuzzy and indistinct.
  795. >What was I doing again?
  796. >There was this... amazing stallion standing right in front of me.
  797. >"An-- Emerald, are you alright?"
  798. >Oh, I guess there was some inconsequential mare there too.
  799. >In a voice sounding like the heavens, the unicorn spoke.
  800. >"Yes, do you like it?"
  801. >Wide eyed, I stared for longer than I should have.
  802. "I... I love you..."
  803. >That was pretty gay.
  804. >His melodious laughter filled the room.
  805. >"Oh, I'm flattered. Perhaps we can spend more time together."
  806. >The purple one looked pretty suspicious.
  807. >She must be jealous.
  808. "... I'll pee in your mouth."
  809. >Hell yeah.
  810. >That'll totally get him going.
  811. >Look at how he's recoiling.
  812. >"Ugh! That's disgusting! Excuse me?"
  813. >I leapt from my seat, sending it flying and spilling all its contents on the floor.
  814. "I can pee in your mouth, and then I can hold you down and stuff a pencil down-"
  815. >I felt my mouth zip closed, but the unicorn was already in my clutches.
  816. >Where my hooves were going, there was no need for words.
  817. >"What was in that drink, Blueblood?!"
  818. >He stammered as he started trying to push me away.
  819. >Aw, Shnookie-boo is playing hard to get.
  820. >"I-it was just a drink from-"
  821. >"Horseapples. McHayburger doesn't serve any bright pink drinks, and certainly not something that'd do this."
  822. >Aw shit. Somepony so jealous.
  823. >"J-just some sort of mixed drink! A bit of cloud, some rainbow glow and such. Get her off of me! Her hooves are getting too
  824.  
  825. close to--OH CELESTIA!"
  826. >Jackpot.
  827. >Wait... why is he running?
  828. >I think I'll catch him.
  829.  
  830. ---
  831.  
  832. >The castle was interesting that day.
  833. >Blueblood ran screaming through the halls and rooms, flinging doors closed behind him as he ran.
  834. >Guards grew on alert at the situation, just in case, moments before the doors exploded off their hinges as a little green filly
  835.  
  836. burst through them, hearts in her eyes.
  837. "Get back here, sweet cheeks! I wanna stuff my hoof so far up your boipussy that you'll cum like a firehose!"
  838. >This only prompted another high pitched scream from Blueblood and more running.
  839. >The guards looked at each other and decided this way a bit over their pay grade.
  840. >Plus, Princess Twilight seemed to already be giving chase and screaming something about bodily harm to Blueblood and love
  841.  
  842. poisons.
  843. >Yep. Just another day guarding the door.
  844. >Calmly, they floated the doors up and propped them mostly back into place and pretended they didn't see anything.
  845. >Princess Twilight would fix the problem.
  846. >...and anything that would traumatize Blueblood a little couldn't be entirely bad, right?
  847. >Just another day in the castle.
  848.  
  849.  
  850.  
  851.  
  852. >Day booze in Equestria
  853. >The interesting thing about brewing something on the sly is finding somewhere to keep it.
  854. >Not just keep it, but keep someone from finding it.
  855. >"So, I understand the maid staff found another bucket of grape juice that had gone bad in your closet."
  856. >Celestia sips at her tea, amusement in her eyes.
  857. "Oh come on! I even clearly labelled this one not to be touched!"
  858. >My hooves crossed as I frowned at the salad in front of me.
  859. >Fucking salad didn't even have any eggs. Or cheese. Or bacon.
  860. >It's like these ponies just don't know what a good salad is like.
  861. >I felt something soft pat atop my head.
  862. >Sliding my gaze over, I saw Celestia giving a tender smile as she patted with her wing, even if there was an undertone of
  863.  
  864. amusement to it.
  865. >"There there, my dearest little pony. I'm sure you'll find a way eventually."
  866. >I gave Celestia a flat look.
  867. "And yet, I doubt you'll do anything to actually prevent the maids from throwing my efforts out."
  868. >"Consider it practice for eventual political talks, Emerald. Getting away with things in treaties without getting caught is a
  869.  
  870. useful skill."
  871. >My eyes narrowed.
  872. "It's Anonymous."
  873. >I felt myself magicked over and wrapped up in the princess's hooves.
  874. >"Not anymore, my Emerald Dawn. The human known as Anonymous disappeared as mysteriously as he arrived. Truly he will be
  875.  
  876. missed."
  877. "That's kinda fucked up, Sunbutt."
  878. >I felt a weight atop my head, accompanied with a melodious giggle.
  879. >The rest of lunch was filled with me being fed and cuddled, much to my frustration and objections.
  880. >And so, my mind settled to planning.
  881.  
  882. >It had been two days.
  883. >The shadows grew longer as Celestia lowered the sun.
  884. >Outside one of the windows of the castle, a small bottle was lowered down on some string, then secured to one of the supports
  885.  
  886. of the railing on the balcony.
  887. >I was somewhat proud of having tied the knots using only my mouth and a pair of hooves.
  888. "They'll never find it out there…"
  889. >With a nod, I turned to make my escape.
  890. >My daring escape of less than 20 feet, back into the pink hell of my room.
  891. >God I wish they'd let me change the decor.
  892. >Mission accomplished, I flopped onto the bed.
  893. >Apparently, just in the nick of time, as the telltale twinkling sound of magic preceded the door opening.
  894. >Celestia just strolled right on in like she owned the place.
  895. >Well… I guess technically she did.
  896. >"Good evening, Emerald! Already getting ready for bed, I see."
  897. "Geez, you solar spastic. Haven't you ever heard of knocking?"
  898. >A melodious laugh was my only reply as she made her way to my bedside.
  899. >"I finished my duties for the day, and decided to see what you were up to. Perhaps a nice bedtime story would help you get to
  900.  
  901. sleep?"
  902. >She looked so happy as she popped two books that, judging by the covers, were well below my reading level.
  903. >I affixed her with a flat stare, yet her cheerful smile persisted.
  904. "If I wanted a bedtime story, I'd read it myself. …and I seriously doubt those would keep my interest. Why don't you go pester
  905.  
  906. Twilight about it? She seems like she would enjoy that kind of thing."
  907. >"You would think so, but we stopped such things after she wrote a twenty page report pointing out the flaws in The Pony and the
  908.  
  909. Pauper."
  910. >The happiness dimmed for a moment around the princess, books dipping slightly lower in her magic.
  911. >…
  912. >Shit.
  913. >With a long sigh and kicking myself a bit, I sat up a little.
  914. "Look. This is a bit short notice is all."
  915. >I heard some kind of thump in the direction of the balcony, but I was on a roll.
  916. "Maybe, I dunno… we could set up some time for something like this later. With better reading material, maybe? They're a bit
  917.  
  918. below my age range."
  919. >Fucking sap.
  920. >The princess smiled a bit, nodding lightly.
  921. >She took a breath, then looked slightly puzzled as the thumping took on a more frantic pace.
  922. >"What in Equestria is going on out there?"
  923. "Fuck if I know."
  924. >Celestia's chiding on my language was drowned out by a high pitched "EEEEEE! EEEEEE!" amidst the struggling.
  925. >Just as puzzled, I climbed out of bed and walked toward the door alongside the princess.
  926. >As she opened the doors, it revealed a dark grey pony with leathery wings and dark blue armor.
  927. >It was currently tangled up in impressively strong string against the railing and smelled heavily of fruit and a bit of yeast.
  928. "GOD DAMN IT!"
  929. >I had been so certain.
  930. >But I hadn't factored in the fucking stupidity of some ponies in my plans.
  931. >The bat pony paused in its struggles before Celestia helped free him so he could rush back to his guard post.
  932. >She gave a sympathetic pat on my head with a wing before turning to leave.
  933. >"Better luck next time. Goodnight, Anonymous. Pleasant dreams."
  934.  
  935.  
  936.  
  937. >Dawn in--No, wait.
  938. >Morning in Equestria.
  939. >Because I won't give plasma posterior the satisfaction.
  940. >At the sound of the birds starting their godawful racket, I executed a flawless retreat beneath the covers of my bed, pillow
  941.  
  942. going over my head.
  943. >"Emerald Dawn~" a cheery voice cooed in a melodious manner. "It's time to get uh-uuup!"
  944. >Ugh... too early for this shit.
  945. "...go 'way... sleepin'..."
  946. >The solar princess tittered to herself.
  947. >"Come now, sleepy bones. Rise and shine! You don't want to be late for your first flight lesson."
  948. >I let out a grumble.
  949. "Yes I do. Too early..."
  950. >I felt something start prodding me through the sheets.
  951. >"Come on, now. It's time to face the morning skies. Wakey wakey, Emerald!"
  952. "There's nobody here by that name."
  953. >I pulled the covers tighter around myself.
  954. >Not that it did any good, considering how its comfy embrace vanished with a pop.
  955. >Fucking hax.
  956. >"Come on now, my little sunshine. It's best to just face it head on."
  957. >I glared out from beneath my pillow as best I could.
  958. >Celestia just sat there, smiling her usual smile.
  959. >"It's time to spread your wings! I hear the kitchens are making blueberry pancakes this morning~"
  960. >Again with the sing-song tone.
  961. "Uuuugh... fine."
  962. >I shove my pillow off of my head and roll for the edge.
  963. "These had better be some awesome panca-aaaaaaAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!"
  964. >Wind rushed past as my eyes snapped open.
  965. >The ground, far below, was rushing up past me.
  966. >As I began to flail, I briefly saw Celestia sitting on a cloud up above, my bed floating beside her.
  967. >"I believe in you!" she called down after me.
  968. >So this is it.
  969. >This is how I die.
  970. >In my wild flailing, one of my wings somehow sent me tumbling, making the world spin wildly.
  971. "Oh god, I think I'm gonna be sick..."
  972. >For a moment, I tried flapping, but that just made things worse.
  973. >Welp. The ground was looking pretty big and pretty fast now.
  974. >I curled up and covered my eyes, so I at least wouldn't have to see the end.
  975. >The sudden splat didn't happen, though.
  976. >Whether fortunately or unfortunately, the telltale hum of magic surrounded me.
  977. >I felt myself decelerate, then get pulled back into the air.
  978. >As I opened my eyes, Celestia gently set me back on my bed, still smiling.
  979. >"That was a good first try. Your technique was a bit off, though. I'd suggest trying to at least gain control in the fall
  980.  
  981. first, then turning it into a glide."
  982. "JESUS CHRIST, CELESTIA! Are you trying to kill me??"
  983. >At least I was awake now.
  984. >I scooted away from all the edges of the bed as far as I could as I tried to catch my breath.
  985. >"I did say that your first flight lesson was this morning. I'm just trying to teach you how I was taught."
  986. >I stared at her.
  987. >Her smile didn't budge.
  988. "You're fucking crazy."
  989. >"Language, dear."
  990. "How about letting me at least get some breakfast before dumping something like this on me?"
  991. >She tisked and shook her head.
  992. >"Now now, that would just be extra weight you would have to manage. One step at a time. Are you ready for your next try?"
  993. "No, WAIT!"
  994. >She put her gold-shod hoof on my chest.
  995. >"I BELIEVE IN YOU!"
  996. >With a mighty shove, I cleared the bed and began to plummet once again.
  997. >"Good luck, sweetie!"
  998. "AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGHHH!"
  999. >No pancake is worth this.
  1000. >And so, my morning went.
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