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- Here's a collection of what I've written so far. I've been keepin' it in a text file, for occasions such as this. Apologies for odd formatting. It was just a direct copy/paste.
- >Day 4562 in Equestria
- >The ponies have been fairly kind to me, even though due to some archaic law, I was doomed to be the gangly alien crashing on
- someone's couch for the rest of the foreseeable future.
- >Apparently, legally only ponies were allowed to own land.
- >Still, it was nice to have company, and I tried to be helpful wherever I was staying.
- >I was in the middle of helping to feed yellowquiet's animals, with her listing off a laundry list of rules about Angel Bunny's
- food like I hadn't heard it all several times before.
- >Not that it would matter either way if anyone followed them or not, the little shit.
- >The monologue was interrupted by the door to her cottage slamming open, prompting a terrified squeak from the pegasus and a
- sudden disappearance.
- >The resident eggheaded princess of friendship barged right on in. "Anon! I think I finally found a solution to your residency
- problem!"
- >I paused in looking under the shivering tablecloth with the suspicious length of pink tail peeking from beneath it.
- "Twilight, I'm flattered, but like I told Pinkie, I'm not looking to get married at this time."
- >She blinked owlishly for a moment before shaking her head. "What? No. I mean, yes, I guess that would technically work (and
- maybe thought about over a few drinks) but that's not what I came over for! Now, as we know, the whole crux of the problem is
- that you're not a pony, right? Thanks to your help in researching, I think I might finally have a solution!"
- "Now, hold on. Let's not do anything I'll regret--"
- >It was no use. Already her horn had flared to life and lanced out with a beam of thaumaturgical power, knocking a birdhouse
- off the wall via human projectile.
- >Passing out seemed like a wise move at the moment.
- ---
- >Mumbling in the next room was the first thing that came to my attention, closely tied with a slight headache.
- "Uuuuuuugh... my head..."
- >That's odd. My voice sounded a little funny.
- >The mumbling paused, and I heard the sound of hoofsteps approaching.
- >Maybe I could pretend to be asleep still?
- >No such luck, as another groan escaped me as the door creaked open.
- >"How're you feeling, Anon?" asked an entirely too cheerful voice.
- >Forcing myself to sit up, I fixed book horse with as flat a stare as I could.
- "You knocked me into a wall."
- >Fluttershy peeked in and gave a little gasp, her eyes dilating like only a pony's could.
- >I swear, they were twinkling even.
- >Before I knew it, I was wrapped up in buttery hooves that were much larger than I remembered.
- >Heck, everything was larger than I remembered.
- >Since when was I covered in green fuzz?
- >Since when did I have hooves?
- "WHAT DID YOU DO, PURPLE?"
- >My hooves flailed in the grip of the overly affectionate pegasus, along with some limbs I couldn't quite identify yet.
- >Again, my voice was much higher than it should be.
- >"Aheh... heh heh... Welllll, funny story! Apparently there were a few complications from using myself as a template for the
- spell, but other than that, everything went exactly as planned!"
- >Her wings shuffled sheepishly on her back even as she looked incredibly proud of herself.
- >I could feel deep in my gut that my life was about to become hell.
- "What. Worked. Twilight. Sparkle?"
- >As much venom as I could muster dripped from each word, even as I resigned myself to being cuddled by yellow hush.
- >Face full of pride, the princess of friendship dragged a full-size mirror into the room.
- >In it, Fluttershy was doting over a little green filly.
- >"You're a pony, Anon!"
- >My eye twitched. The filly's eye twitched.
- "Twilight. Did you turn me into a unicorn filly?"
- >More nervous laughter.
- >"TECHnically, no. That's part of the complications I mentioned."
- "It sure looks like I'm a unicorn, Twilight."
- >It was at this time that I felt Fluttershy fiddling with SOMETHING on my back.
- >In the mirror, she stretched out a green wing, nibbling and straightening feathers.
- "WHAT THE FUCK, TWILIGHT?? HOW DID YOU FUCK UP THIS MUCH?"
- >Twi shrank back, and Fluttershy pulled her disappearing act again.
- >"It... it was an accident. I thought you would be turned into a stallion! A normal stallion, you know? Not... well... you
- know."
- >As the pegasus-sized lump in the bedding stopped shivering, Twilight scuffed at the floor.
- >"You're not... mad... are you?" she asked, hopeful tone to her voice.
- >I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly.
- "... I'm not mad, Twilight."
- >I was absolutely livid.
- "There was absolutely no way you could have known."
- >If she'd thought of things enough, she probably could have guessed.
- "Just turn me back, and everything should be just fine."
- >The lavender lady of literature winced.
- >"Wellll... I'm afraid we already tried when we saw how things turned out."
- >More awkward shuffling.
- >"The... uh... counterspell I made for it didn't work. At all."
- >I must've had an expression of blinding rage cross over my face, as Twilight took a few steps back before returning to her
- position.
- >Deep breaths. In. Out. In.... out. Deep, calming breaths.
- "Well... at least it can't get any worse..."
- >As if to prove me wrong, trumpets were sounded outside, and insistent knocking began on the door.
- >Apparently, this was a surprise to Twilight as well.
- >Fumbling and stumbling in my new quadrupedal form, I followed Twilight downstairs just in time for the door to open itself in a
- golden glow.
- >"Dearest Fluttershy! Of all of Twilight's friends I had hoped to join her in alicornhood, I was certain you would be the
- first-- wait..."
- >Princess Celestia, Bringer of the Dawn, She of the Sunny Flanks, Pony Princess Prime, barged in, full of pride and ceremony.
- It was hastily replaced with confusion, complete with slightly canted head.
- >"... Who are you? This is most unexpected."
- >Immediate nervous laughter and a terrible job of looking innocent by Twilight.
- >She should seriously get some acting lessons or something.
- >Obviously, there was only one thing to do.
- "Yo, Sunbutt. Blame Twilight."
- >That did it. With a panicked shuffle of hooves and a pop of displaced air, purple smart vanished.
- >There was a few more moments of confusion as Princess Celestia regally strolled in, circling the filly before her.
- >I followed her with my gaze for a while before I caught sight of my own flank.
- "... What the hell, Twilight? What kind of cutie mark is this?"
- >It wasn't quite just a black question mark. The top part of it had a kink in the crook, making it look pretty heart-like.
- "Come on... Got turned into a pony, got turned into a GIRL pony, and now this? What kind of girly shit is this for a cutie
- mark?"
- >Realization seemed to dawn on Celestia.
- >"... Anonymous?" she asked.
- >I raised a hoof as I looked over.
- "Speaking. Kinda."
- >Confusion hastily gave way to the princess's trademark calm smile, but amusement danced in those magenta eyes.
- >"You look... different today."
- >A nod as Fluttershy made her appearance at the top of the stairs.
- "Yeah... apparently things didn't go as planned. Twi tried to turn me into a pony, but didn't think things through as well as
- she should. A waggle of her horn later, and BOOM! I'm like this."
- >Too much gesticulating, and I flop over with an 'oof'.
- >Open amusement spreads on Celestia's face as she sits beside me.
- >"Well, it's a nice look for you, I think."
- "Speak for yourself. I'm probably gonna be poking holes in shit with this thing and falling over myself for weeks."
- >I reached up to prod the horn spiraling out from my head, intensely frowning.
- >The whistle of a kettle distracted me from my death stare, and Princess Celestia helped me to my feet... err... hooves... with
- a glow of her horn.
- >"Well, there's no sense in panicking over things right now. Let's have some tea to think things over with."
- >She led the way over to the table that Fluttershy was already loading with teacups, a steaming teapot, and a wide assortment of
- little cakes and cookies.
- "... Aren't these the cookies I bought at Sugarcube Corner yesterday?"
- >Fluttershy shushed me and gave a smile.
- >"Only the best for our guests," the pegasus mumbled before hiding in her mane.
- "This shit wouldn't happen if I were allowed to have my own place. ... Hey wait! I should be able to do that shit now! Ha!
- In yer face, Celestia! Your laws can't stop me now!"
- >The princess gave a calm smile. "That is so, Anonymous. Tell me, do you have all of your papers in order?"
- >My celebratory dance was cut short.
- >"How old do you think she is, Fluttershy?"
- "Hey! I'm a dude!"
- >Fluttershy looked me over as Celestia poured herself some tea and helped herself to one of my cookies.
- >"Um. Maybe... twelve?"
- >The princess took a sip and nodded. Setting her teacup down, she turned toward me.
- >"Even if you did have your papers, and the required bits, I doubt anypony would sell a home to a filly, even one as absolutely
- precious as you."
- >I could feel my cheeks heat up a bit as I mumbled.
- "Y-you too..."
- >She took a nibble of the cookie, then waggled it at me in her magic.
- >"Now... I know you've been staying with Twilight and her friends for a long time now, but I don't think they would have the
- time to look after and provide for a growing filly. They're very busy mares."
- "H-hey! I'm a grown-ass man! I can take care of myself!"
- >She tisked a little and shook her head. "I'm afraid not anymore you're not. You said it yourself. You can barely even walk.
- Additionally, there are the legal complications of there suddenly being a pony where there once wasn't."
- >She swirled her tea in her cup as I grumbled acknowledgement to her logic.
- >"I'm sure Twilight will be trying to find a counterspell-"
- "Tried. Failed already."
- >She cleared her throat at the interruption.
- >"Yes. Well. All the more reason for my conclusions. Until you get used to your new form and until we get you documentation
- that states you exist, you'll be coming to stay with me in Canterlot for a while."
- >An ugh of disgust escaped me before I could stop it.
- "With all the shitty nobles that have their heads so far up their--"
- >"Yes yes. They have their troubles, but I'm sure they'll be much more accommodating to a guest of the crown than to an alien
- with your particular character."
- >I grumbled my assent, and I could tell it was all she could do to keep from clapping her hooves.
- >"Oh, this will be so much fun. I haven't had a daughter in centuries!"
- "Wait, what?"
- >"Nothing! Nothing. Now, come along, Anon! We'll send for your things later. We've got so much to do!"
- >With that, I was unceremoniously lifted from my seat and floated alongside the princess of the sun as she practically pranced
- out the door.
- >I was still flailing in her magical field as the royal carriage was pulled into the sky by the guards.
- >A lengthy flight later, and Celestia's carriage was descending between the spires of Canterlot.
- >Just like a bunch of faggoty nobles to want to live in giant penis buildings.
- >"Now, Anonymous, make sure you put your best hoof forward. There will be many ponies eager to learn all about you."
- "Ugh... Why did I have to get slapped with the princess package with Twilight's spell?"
- >Celestia smiled as we descended into the castle grounds.
- >"Well, from what I gather, Twilight used herself as a template for the spell. But, even if she used somepony else, alicornhood
- is a symbol of having attained a level of maturity, wisdom, and skill above that of other ponies."
- "... One of the alicorns is still using diapers and can't even talk."
- >"Well... she's an exception. The circumstances of her birth are quite unusual."
- "As for maturity, you saw me at the gala that one year. I don't think those musicians will ever look at me the same."
- >"Part of maturity is knowing when to not be mature, and knowing yourself enough to be able to identify your shortcomings."
- >She's wearing that damn smile again.
- >"I'm very proud of you, Anon, whichever reason it is that you were granted alicornhood."
- >I blew a raspberry in response, then followed sunhorse out of the carriage, slightly taken aback by the lines of guard ponies
- standing at attention.
- "Holy shit."
- >"Language, Anonymous. But yes. Perhaps the parade attention was a bit much, but they do so love their ceremony. It's not
- every day another princess is found. Thank you, everypony!"
- >They didn't move.
- "Who said anything about being a princess? Ahh, fuck. I need a drink."
- >"Well, I'm sure after a few rounds of charm and etiquette classes, you'll do just fine. I'm sure everypony would understand if
- we waited until you grew up a bit until official coronation."
- "Grown-ass man, Celestia."
- >"Adorable, little filly, Anon."
- >I could feel my teeth grind as she gave a pat atop my head with one of those huge wings of hers.
- >She led the way to the dining hall, where there were already maids setting out a meal.
- >A few looked surprised for a moment, then looked ever so happy as they looked me over.
- >Like a swarm of schoolgirls, they descended on me and proceeded to pamper, prod, cuddle, and fawn over me, resisting my
- attempts to escape.
- "Princess! Halp!"
- >Such was not in the plan, though. Celestia had already sat at one of the seats and smiled back over as she poured herself some
- tea.
- >"Best to let them get it out of their systems, my little one," she cheerfully replied, watching the carnage with glee.
- >Eventually, they deposited me on a seat and put an overly large slice of cake in front of me before disappearing.
- "... I feel so violated..."
- >With a shake of my head, I turned my attention to the snack before myself.
- >At least castle cake was usually pretty good, as Celestia's south end could attest.
- >Not that I had a period of staring at it.
- >Not that much.
- >NothingAtAll.mp4
- >But enough thinking about pony butts. There was cake to be had, before it mysteriously disappeared and the princess in the
- room would wipe her mouth for 'no reason'.
- >Reaching for a fork, I was met with only the clink of hoof on metal, and no mouthful of cake.
- >I looked down, confusion washing over me for a moment.
- >Oh. Right. Hooves.
- >Awkwardly, I tried fiddling with the flatware, to no avail.
- >"What's the matter, Anon? Don't you want your cake?"
- >A frown in her direction showed she was in mischief mode.
- >"Well, if you're not going to eat it..."
- >A golden glow surrounded the plate as she began.
- >Nope. Nope nope.
- >With a reflex that surprised even me, I hastily buried my face into the cake, taking as large a bite as I could.
- >Sure, I got icing all over my face, but I showed her I was not to be beaten.
- >Cheeks bulging, I glared in her direction and raised my hands... err.. hooves... in victory.
- >There was a moment of disappointment across the face of the sun before she returned to amusement.
- >"Ohoho... eager, are we? You're supposed to eat it, not wear it, Anon."
- >The glow switched over to a napkin.
- >"You've gotten it all over. Let me clean you up. Precious as it is, a sticky filly can make a mess of things."
- >I tried to fight off the attack of the flying napkin, but apparently a thousand years gives quite a bit of experience with
- dodging flailing limbs.
- >Eventually, I finished my mouthful and sputtered.
- "Quit it! I can clean myself off!"
- >A titter came from her direction. One last scrub, then she lowered the napkin enough to show my frown.
- >With a sigh, I shook my head, then put my chin on the table.
- "I can't deal with this shit. What's a guy going to have to do to get a glass of scotch?"
- >"Oh, not much. Ask nicely... in about ten years or so."
- >Wut.
- "Wat."
- >"Alcohol isn't good for growing fillies."
- "It's not good for adults either, but they drink it just fine! And so did I!"
- >Celestia looked lost in thought.
- >"Though... you are an alicorn... I guess we'll see if it'll be longer before you're grown up."
- >My teeth ached with how hard I was gritting them.
- "Sunbutt, so help me, if you try and keep me from my booze, I will brew and distill it myself and not share a drop of it with
- you, unless it's to literally drop it on you."
- >She paused once again.
- >"Well, I suppose that's acceptable. After all, there's not any laws about fillies and colts making alcohol. Just selling it
- or providing it to them."
- "...what."
- >"How else would somepony earn a brewing cutie mark? It would be a long wait, otherwise."
- >I dragged by hooves down my face as I tried to remember old infographics on prison wine and hooch and moonshine.
- >Geez, that was ages ago now.
- "Fine. Fine. I can do this. I'll show you I won't be stopped."
- >She giggled a little, and I felt myself floating again as she got it.
- >"Yes yes, I'm sure you'll do your best. Now, let's show you to your new room."
- "I can walk just fine, you know. ... I wouldn't mind learning how to use this knob on my forehead, though, so I don't have to
- eat like a fucking animal."
- >"All in due time. I'll set you up with some tutors for flying and magic once you get settled, and we can get you enrolled in
- school after I pull a few strings and get you an identity."
- >I crossed my... forehooves. The impact of my displeasure was lessened by being floated upside down and behind her.
- "Again, I'm an adult, Celestia. Why the hell would I go through the hell that is school again?"
- >She looked back and smiled for a moment before looking ahead once again.
- >"Once again, not anymore you're not. Could you imagine the scandal if I allowed a filly to not attend school? The papers
- would talk about it for weeks. The nobles would come to court just to nag about it."
- "Snrrk... nag... because they're ponies... heheh..."
- >She rolled her eyes and continued on.
- >"You'll just have to bear it. I'm sure if you've been through it once, it will be easy. And if you need any help with
- assignments, I'll be around to lend a helping hoof. Eee, this is going to be so much fun!"
- >She pranced on down the hallway as I floated behind her, slowly tumbling in her magic.
- >If she floated you a bit further to the side, maybe I could see behind that billowing, pastel tail and--
- >None of that. They are ponies.
- >... But so was I at the moment.
- >Nope. Nope. Not going there. Ending that line of thought.
- >Just in time, too.
- >Celestia opens a door and marches on inside.
- >"Heeeere we are! Your new room! It used to be Cadance's room when she was younger."
- >Wow. That's a lot of pink.
- >Pink bedsheets. Pink floor rug. Pink curtains. Pink dresser.
- >Pink pink pink.
- "... It looks like the little girl toy aisle threw up in here. Did there have to be so many hearts?"
- >"Well, it does match her cutie mark. It matches yours too, you know."
- "Uuuuuugh. Don't remind me."
- >"Well, I'll let you get comfortable. If you need me or anything else, just ask one of the staff and they'll be able to help
- you. I've got to go get started on things."
- >With that, I was unceremoniously dumped on the bed as she pranced out the door.
- "THE BED'S TRYING TO EAT ME!"
- >I flailed for a moment before managing to get my head back above the level of the rest of the sheets.
- >Who needed a bed this soft, anyways?
- "All your fault, Twilight."
- >Sure, she couldn't hear the accusation, but it made me feel better.
- >Day 4563 in Equestria
- >...I think. I don't know how long I was knocked out when book horse fucked up.
- >TL:DR, Now a little filly, and an alicorn. Celestia dragged my green ass back to the castle.
- >When Twilight fucks up, she REALLY fucks up.
- >At the moment, I was sitting on a balcony, looking down on Canterlot.
- >I wondered if hocking a loogie onto a guard was a crime, and if I could even pull it off from this height.
- >Before too long, my pondering was interrupted by an audible gurgle from my stomach.
- "Holy crap. How the fuck did I get hungry enough for that to happ... oh wait. Seems like it always happens to hungry ponies."
- >Getting to my hooves, I stumble my way toward the castle kitchens.
- >After a journey in which I only got accosted by overeager staff three times, I found myself right outside the kitchens.
- >I considered how to operate the doorknob with hooves, since I had no intention of putting it in my mouth.
- >Who knows what the hell could be on it?
- >I reached for it, only for it to retreat away from me as the door opened.
- >A very large, very blue alicorn paused in exiting the kitchens, a bowl of ice cream floating beside her.
- >I stared. As did she.
- >"Sisteeeeeer..! Why is there a little filly in the castle, and why is she an alicorn?"
- >As Luna called for her sister, I found myself thankful I wasn't at ground zero for all-caps Canter-lock voice.
- "Yo. Three pony moon. How ya been?"
- >She paused, raising a brow before turning her head toward the ceiling.
- >"...and why does she apparently know who I am?"
- "I hate to break it to ya, Luna, but you're a princess. I think all of Equestria knows who you are."
- >A flat look is turned in my direction.
- >"Do not assume, just because you have attained alicornhood that you may address me so informally on our first meeting, young
- filly."
- >I looked around, then beckoned her closer. As she obliged, I put a hoof over her leaned down neck.
- "Like I've ever given two shits about that crap. Besides... we've met before, just not like this."
- >She frowns, starting to open her mouth to object, only for me to put a hoof over it.
- "Shh sh sh shh... Maybe the gala from a couple of years ago will jog your memory. It's a bit foggy, but I think I remember
- something about the taste of blueberries..."
- >She blinks a couple of times before her face starts turning purple.
- >"I... I don't... what? H-how..? Who..?"
- "Blame Twilight. Got turned into this."
- >Her eyes widen even more as I hear the tone of gold-shod hooves approaching.
- >"Ahh, there you are. Sister, dear, I've got some wonderful news! Anonymous will be--"
- >"YesIfiguredItOutIHAVETOGOBYE!"
- >After blurting her response, she took off at a gallop before exploding into a puff of shadows.
- >Her ice cream started to fall, only for it too to vanish into shadows.
- >The princess of the sun stared in the direction of her sister's hasty departure.
- >"Not exactly the way I planned on letting her know, but you can't win them all, I guess."
- >She then turned her smile back on me.
- >"And what were you two up to?"
- "Ehh. Nothin', really. Just crossed paths."
- >My stomach chose this moment to let out an even louder rumble.
- >"Oho, that was a good one. Let's get you something to eat. Growing fillies need plenty of nutrition."
- >Dammit.
- "Grown man, Celery!"
- >Her hoof poked me right on the nose.
- >My entire face felt like it was collapsing in on itself.
- >Huh. So that's what it feels like.
- >"Not anymore, Anonymous. Since you're not a human anymore, your dietary needs and tastes have likely changed a bit, so what
- better time than now for an impromptu lesson?"
- >Oh fuck.
- >I turn to awkwardly run away, only for her to preempt my escape by picking me up with her magic again.
- >I cross my arms (...forelegs?) and grump as hard as I can.
- "This is fucking bullshit."
- >"Language, dearie. And yes, life isn't fair. Now let's get you some food."
- >She deposits me on her back and strolls into the kitchen, a head of lettuce already floating toward a bowl as she goes.
- >Uuuuugh.
- >In an impressive display of magical dexterity, she chops up the lettuce, carrots, tomatoes, and onions all at the same time,
- while oil and vinegar are shaken into a salad dressing.
- >In no time at all, I'm on a stool by a counter, with a bowl of salad in front of me.
- "You really don't have to do this, you know."
- >"Oh, but it's my pleasure!"
- >She speared some of the leaves on a fork, then started floating it toward me.
- "I can feed myself, dammit."
- >She tisks and shakes her head.
- >"Now now, you said it yourself, didn't you? Something about not wanting to eat like an animal? Well, until you learn to use
- your horn, you'll just have to deal with me feeding you."
- "Like hell, I will."
- >"Now, don't be like that. It's quite good. Open wide for the pegasus, Anon. It's coming in for a landing. Nyeowww..."
- >She makes swooping motions with the fork.
- >How degrading.
- "That's pretty damn morbid, Celefblblfbfmf."
- >She took the opportunity of my open mouth to stuff the forkful of salad in as I was talking.
- >"Mmmm, now isn't that good? Yum yum."
- >A glare was her reply.
- >Though, after a bit of evaluation, it did taste okay.
- >With a hmph, I idly chewed, then swallowed.
- >She already had another forkful ready and waiting as she smiled expectantly at me.
- "You'd better not be getting off on this or something weird."
- >With that grumble, I begrudgingly accepted the next bite.
- >"Nothing of the sort. Now, good fillies who finish everything get dessert."
- >I made a mental note to get her back for this.
- >...but I still finished the salad.
- >Because hey. Dessert.
- >Another day in Equestria.
- >After fucking up another spell, I found myself to be the latest pony sporting the latest in alicorn fashion.
- >Celestia had dragged me off to Canterlot.
- >Life in the castle was slowly becoming a bit more tolerable.
- >The maids seemed to have gotten over their tendency to assault me with cuddles.
- >Mostly.
- >Celestia assured me that she was still working to take care of the legal matters that would make me technically exist to the
- legal system, but she always followed it up with that weird cryptic smile.
- >Meh. Probably nothing.
- >I was in the middle of trying to figure out a way to use my new hooves to use some flatware when the telltale hum of magic
- accompanied the door opening.
- >A mob of servants and guards descended upon me before I could react.
- "Agh! Watch where you put that thing! Ow! Where'd you learn to use a comb? What the fuck is going on??"
- >"The princess has ordered us to make you ready and to escort you to the balcony for an announcement to the public."
- >Apparently this involved massive levels of brushing.
- >Then I saw a makeup kit and dress approaching.
- "I'm not havin' any part of that."
- >My protests and attempt at escape was thwarted by the many ponies fussing over my mane and tail.
- >A flurry of activity later, and I wobbled, head spinning.
- "I... I feel so used..."
- >"Now now, no fainting. You veel ruin ze dress!"
- >Some prissy unicorn held up a mirror.
- >My mane glistened.
- >My coat shone.
- >They somehow made my eyelashes look huge.
- >Everything in general had a sparkliness to it.
- "I look like a total fag."
- >I started trying to remove the dress at least, but a couple of guards grabbed me and started dragging me along before I could
- get a good start.
- >"No time. The announcement will happen shortly."
- "What announcement? What the fuck is going on?"
- >"Nopony knows. So, just smile and nod, and keep quiet, for Celestia's sake."
- >After a winding trip down halls I hadn't been down before, I spotted the royal sisters standing beside a pair of double doors.
- >"Ah, and here she is now."
- >Celestia smiled a little too wide for my liking.
- "What's going on, and why do I look like a total fruit?"
- >"Oh, it's wonderful, Anonymous. I've finally finished everything needed. There were a few... complications... but I've
- managed to find a way to fix your troubles."
- "I guess that's good?"
- >She continued before I could ask more.
- >"All that remains is to make a teensy little announcement. Oh, and if anypony asks, your name is Emerald Dawn."
- "Wait, what?"
- >Before I could get more detail, she opened the doors and marched out onto a balcony overlooking a crowd of ponies below.
- >A veritable wall of cheering hit me as the two stood and waved.
- >"Thank you, everypony! I'm so glad you could make it."
- >The crowd quieted down, apart from someone that shouted how much they loved the princesses.
- >Hah, what a loser.
- >"These past few days, our castle has had a most special guest. A remarkable and wonderful filly. She has suffered much
- hardship in her life and has come through it stronger and wiser."
- >Well, that certainly sounded like a load of horse shit.
- >"She was drawn to my attention when she accomplished some very impressive deeds, and has only grown on me since she has been
- here."
- >A servant gave me a nudge from behind.
- >I gave them a scowl, then started walking out as they made 'shoo shoo' motions.
- >"So, without further ado, allow me to introduce you to... Emerald Dawn!"
- >I could hear Luna murmur under her breath, "I still think Shaded Clover would've been a better name.."
- >They parted a little, revealing a tiny little ramp up to a pedestal.
- >Supposing it was for me, I wandered my way on up.
- "... Holy crap, that's a lot of ponies..."
- >I felt a jab in my back, and reflexively I jerked straighter, wings snapping wide of their own accord.
- >Another round of cheering and stomping hooves washed over me.
- >Eventually, Celestia rose a hoof to speak again.
- >"As I mentioned, this poor, poor filly has suffered such great hardships. Her parents and extended family had a tragic
- accident at a family reunion, and she had nopony to take care of her."
- >Who would believe that?
- >"So, in recognition of her accomplishments in becoming an alicorn, and since this poor orphan and I have grown so close..."
- >She steps closer and wraps a wing around me, giving me a smile for a moment before continuing.
- >"...I hereby announce that I will be adopting Emerald Dawn as my very own daughter!"
- >Wat.
- "What the f-"
- >My objections were drowned out by the cheering.
- >I snapped my head in Celestia's direction.
- >"Smile, Anon. The crowd is watching," she quietly asided to me.
- >A look the other way showed Luna was just as caught off-guard as I was.
- >"Sister, you can't be-"
- >"OBVIOUSLY," continued sunbutt, "Emerald Dawn is still a bit young to serve as a princess to our great nation, so until the
- time comes when she is old enough to be coronated and take on her royal mantle and duties, I shall do my best to be a loving
- mother to her. I may not be a replacement for what she has lost, but I shall strive to do my best!"
- >With that, she abruptly pulled me into a rib creaking hug.
- >Sounds of the crowd exploded once again.
- >With a final wave, our little group was led off the balcony.
- "What the fuck, Celestia?"
- >"Language, dear."
- "No, really. What the hell is this?"
- >Luna nodded in agreement. "I must admit, sister. I too am puzzled by this."
- >"Well, there was quite a bit of red tape around the issue, and the simplest way to cut through it all was to draw up the papers
- and adopt you myself. If any complications arise, I'll deal with them myself."
- "Still pretty messed up, Sunbutt."
- >She smiled a little too cheerfully.
- >"Now now. Is that any way to speak to your mother? Now, come along, Emerald. There's still much to be done, including
- presentations, public greetings, newspaper interviews and photographers..."
- "Luna! Help!"
- >And with that, my entire week was destroyed by being dragged around alongside fusion flanks everywhere she went.
- >Another day in Equestria.
- >Tl;dr: Purple fucked up, turned me into a filly alicorn.
- >Currently, I am sitting by Celestia's side at a boring ass play.
- >How can ponies with a special talent in acting be so fucking dull?
- >I tried getting out of it by claiming to need to go to the restroom, but Celestia followed along 'to make sure everything went
- okay', so I couldn't ditch like I wanted to.
- >After a moment of thought, a devilish idea comes to mind.
- >Turning toward sunbutt, I cleared my throat.
- "Yo. Celestia."
- >"Emerald, dear, it's okay to call me Mother. Or Mom. Or maybe even Mommy."
- >Yeah, that's another thing. Celestia set up a fake identity for me so I could legally exist, and then promptly adopted me as
- she did so.
- "Yyyeah, not happening. Anyways, this is my last request to ditch this place. From now on, I'm going to start saying penis
- over and over at gradually louder increments until we get out of here."
- >She paused, then sighs.
- >"Anonym-- Emerald Dawn, it's not even the second act. I promise you that you'll like it if you just give it a chance."
- >Welp. She chose her path.
- [i]"Penis."[/i]
- >It was just a whisper, but her ears perked slightly. Her eyes dart about briefly.
- >"Now now, let's be reasonable. Good fillies don't-"
- [b]"Penis."[/b]
- >Her eyes darted around again as her smile took on a slightly nervous edge.
- >"Emerald, you'll disrupt the play."
- >My gaze remained locked on her.
- [u][b]"Penis. Penis!"[/b][/u]
- >Ponies were starting to steal glances up toward the royal box seats.
- >"Young lady, you will not take that tone with-"
- [b]"PENIS."[/b]
- >A low hiss could be heard as ponies began to whisper.
- >Celestia's gaze met mine.
- >My eyes narrowed.
- >She almost imperceptibly shook her head.
- >I answered with a nod.
- >More perceptibly she shook her head.
- >I drew breath as her eyes widened.
- >A young couple sat in a booth at Pony Joe's, making goo-goo eyes at each other.
- >"No, youuuu order!"
- >"But what should I order, sugar-lumpkin?"
- >"Ohh, I don't know, hunny bunny."
- >"What do you want to eat?"
- >"...What do you think I want to eat?"
- >At this moment, the windows shook.
- >The plates rattled.
- >A coffee cup fell off of the wall and crashed to the floor as a wall of sound washed over Canterlot.
- [o][u][b]"PENIS!!!"[/b][/u][/o]
- >The couple stared at each other for a moment, then promptly became very interested in their own menus, faces beet red.
- >...and that's how I found myself being floated along as Celestia made a panicked run back to the castle.
- >Lights were coming on in windows as we passed.
- >Ponies poked their heads out in confusion.
- >In moments, we were back in the castle as Celestia slammed the doors closed.
- >"Are you happy, Anonymous? You just made a media nightmare in a single night. Do you know what you've done? What do you have
- to say for yourself?"
- >With smug satisfaction, I knew there was but one answer.
- >My grin cracked my face in two as I uttered a single word.
- "... Penis."
- >With a sigh, she shakes her regal head, mane billowing a bit more from the motion.
- >"... Go to your room. You're grounded."
- >There was a brief pop, and I was surrounded by the pink prison that was my room.
- >Totally worth it.
- >Another day in Equestria
- >I sit on the balcony of my room, grounded to my opulent, if overly pink and heart covered bedroom.
- >If this is supposed to be a punishment, Celestia has a lot to learn about punishment.
- >The maids were even still serving, even if they were still a bit cuddly.
- >So, I sat on the balcony, sipping chocolate milk and reading newspapers discussing the antics that led to my grounding.
- >Apparently Celestia had announced my grounding and at the same time announced taking applications for etiquette tutors.
- >Boy, they'll be in for a surprise.
- >The fluttering of wings drew my attention upward as the other sister landed.
- >"Ah. Anonymous. It is good to see you."
- "Luna. Good seeing you as well. Don't let your sister hear you call me that."
- >She let out a chuckle, then nodded.
- >"She certainly is being enthusiastic about this. Perhaps this would make me 'Auntie Luna'?"
- "Ugh. Don't even joke. I'd like to put that off as long as possible."
- >She nodded. "Understandable. It does add an awkwardness to things that was not there before."
- >I took a long draw from my chocolate milk before nodding in agreement.
- >There was a brief moment of silence before Luna fidgeted in place and clearing her throat.
- >"On an unrelated note, we have... been thinking on things since our last... major interaction."
- >She dragged her hoof in a circle on the balcony as she found great interest in the railing around it.
- >"I had been meaning to speak with you for some time. Your circumstances have certainly changed things though."
- >Warning bells started going off in my head.
- "Uhh..."
- >"Though, we have given it much thought these past few days, and we are not [i]completely[/i] unfamiliar with the Sapphic
- pleasures, so..."
- "Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa."
- >She paused in the middle of what I could only assume was a confession of some sort to look at me.
- "Aren't I like... hundreds of years younger than you? And technically legally underage at the moment?"
- >She gave a bashful smile and swayed from side to side.
- >"Well... we art somewhat new to this 'underage' concept and this 'age of consent' idea. But we are not averse to waiting, and
- technically thou art mentally well prepared for such things, if thy actions at the gala are any indication..."
- >Oh god.
- >Jesus, Buddha, Satan, Tirek, Faust, Celestia, anyone who was listening... please tell me that she wasn't saying what I thought
- she was.
- >She gave a bashful smile and went back to her admiration of the tile work of the balcony, scuffing her hoof as her cheeks
- gained a bit of red.
- "Nope."
- >"... what?"
- "NOPE. Nope nope nope nope nope."
- >I galloped off with a skill I didn't know I had.
- >She called out to me, hoof likely outstretched after me.
- >"We shall see thee around the castle, Anonymous! Prithee, give it some thought?"
- >Fuck.
- >At least the guards outside my room didn't keep me from escaping.
- >Another day in Equestria
- >I sat in the library, coloring in a coloring book I was provided by a maid.
- >Apparently, ponies add just a bit of flavor to the crayons for those that have to use their mouth.
- >I anticipate there would be a larger amount of crayon-eaters in kindergarten as a result.
- >It's not the most elegant way to learn how to manipulate things with my mouth, but it's what'll be needed.
- >Suddenly, the door squeaked open. Well, perhaps not 'suddenly', as the squeak took a couple of seconds due to the incoming
- pony trying and failing to be quiet.
- >A guard looked around for a moment, then made a line directly to my table and cleared his throat.
- >"Emerald Dawn, your presence is requested. Please, follow me."
- >I looked up at him for a few moments, resisting the urge to correct him.
- >Fucking Celestia and her adoption bullshit.
- >Though, that didn't mean I couldn't fuck with him a little.
- >Calmly, I set down the brown crayon and smiled up at the guard, folding my hooves and fluttering my now undoubtedly freakishly
- large eyes.
- "Hoofjobs are a hundred bits, mouth is five hundred, putting it inside is a thousand."
- >Another flutter of my eyelashes as the guard's face turned into a tomato red, even as he kept up the stoic expression.
- >"Ahem. Your... your MOTHER requests your presence," he eventually clarified.
- >I tilted my head, tapping my chin.
- "Gee, that's kinda kinky. I'll probably need to tack on another thousand at least..."
- >He balks for a moment. "N-no, she wishes to speak with you."
- >With a nod, I stand up.
- "Ahh, that's completely different. Lead the way."
- >I looked over my shoulder as I paused, giving a shit-eating grin.
- "Just messing with ya. Off we go."
- >With a grumble, the guard leads the way, looking a bit stiffer in his gait than usual.
- >Eventually, I was led into the study of the princess of the sun.
- >"Ahh, there you are. Thank you, sir. I trust Emerald wasn't any trouble? I know she can be a hoof full at times."
- >I gave the guard another grin.
- >"Nothing I couldn't deal with, Princess."
- >As Celestia nodded, I bobbed a hoof in front of my open mouth, poking my cheek out with my tongue.
- >He made a hasty exit when Celestia dismissed him, and I was back to a stoic expression by the time she turned back to me.
- "So what's up, Sunbutt?"
- >There was a moment of not-quite-a-sigh before she perked right back up.
- >"Well, as you know, I've been looking for tutors to get you back up to speed with your new life."
- "I feel sorry for whatever sap gets that job."
- >"Oh, I assure you she is a very capable pony. She has experience with teaching young ponies, and has a stellar educational
- background."
- >I let out an uuuugh.
- "She sounds like a total nerd."
- >Her smile widens a hair for a moment at that.
- >"Be that as it may, she is also somepony I can expect to keep secrecy if you were to let slip about your actual predicament.
- After all, she was in a similar situation not too long ago."
- "...wait a minute..."
- >Before I could say anything else, she bid the mystery pony to enter, though it wasn't much of a mystery.
- >My suspicions were confirmed as they entered.
- >They were purple.
- >They were cheerful.
- >They sported a pair of wings and a horn.
- >"Hello again, Anon!"
- "You! You're the entire reason I'm in this mess, purplesmart!"
- >She stepped back for a moment in shock before continuing over to wrap me in yet another unwanted hug.
- >"Yes, and I'm terribly sorry about that. The very least I can do is to do everything I can to help you adjust to your new
- life."
- "Don't you have a fucking school to run?"
- >She wags a brief hoof.
- >"The others can handle things there for a while, and I can be back there in moments if they needed me personally."
- >She stroked a hoof on my mane, no matter how hard I glowered at her.
- >"It's more important for me to be here, helping you to get the basics until other tutors can be hired."
- >[p]"Gee, that's really swell of you, Twilight!"[/p]
- >Everypony froze.
- >I became aware of another pair of hooves around me.
- >"Pinkie! How'd you get here?" demanded book horse.
- >[p]"My Pinkie sense told me I'd meet a friend who'd gone through a BIG change if I followed you, so I hid inside your luggage
- and WOW it wasn't kidding!"[/p]
- >I found myself wrested from Twilight's grasp into a Pinkie Pie cuddle.
- >It felt like my bones were creaking.
- >[p]"Who would've thought that this was where you went, Anon? Or is it Emerald Dawn? Or is it Anon? Or is it--Emfrlfmfl"[/p]
- >Twilight seemed to have picked up Applejack's hoof-in-mouth technique at some point.
- >"You CAN'T let anypony know about that, Pinkie. If everypony knew Celestia's new daughter-"
- "Not her daughter," I interrupted.
- >There was a brief flat look before Twilight continued.
- >"If everypony knew Celestia's new daughter was Anonymous, who knows what they would do to her? Remember that incident at the
- Gala and what happened with BlueBlood?"
- >Pinkie bobbled her head in the affirmative before extracting Twilight's hoof.
- >[p]"Okie dokie loki! My lips are sealed. Hi, Princess! I didn't know you and Emeraldonymous were so close!"[/p]
- >Celestia seemed to be taking it all in stride.
- >"Hello, Pinkie. It's good to see you again. And while I like to think Anonymous and I are close, it's partly a legal
- loophole. I'm sure we will get closer regardless, and I hope to be a fine mother to Emerald Dawn."
- "I'm still a grown-ass man, pastry-pillager."
- >"Still an adorable little filly, Anon. Isn't she adorable, Pinkie?"
- >Half the air in the room must have been taken in at Pinkie's gasp.
- >[p]"Isn't she ever??"[/p] she began before descending into a 60 car pileup of words while violently waggling me about in her
- enthusiastic hug.
- >I would have sworn my revenge on Celestia, if I could breathe.
- >She just kept on smiling at the scene, Twilight moving to sit by her side to keep from being hit by Pinkie's affection.
- >I'll have to get them back another day.
- >After I've healed from earth pony cuddles.
- >Day Intrigue in Equestria
- >Two ponies sit in a dimly lit room.
- >"I tell you, it's absolutely horrible! With Auntie having a daughter, I'm even farther from the throne if anything should
- happen! It's not fair."
- >"Yes, sir."
- >"Well, I'm not going to just sit by and let it happen. Do you have that thing I told you to get?"]
- >The other pony held up a bottle, its contents glowing faintly in the dim light.
- >"Excellent. Excellent. With this my plan shall be flawless!"
- ---
- "Uuuuuuuuugh. So boooooooored."
- >I planted my face against the desk I was seated at.
- >"Well, maybe you should've thought of that before embarrassing the princess in front of everypony at that play.
- "It was her or me, Twilight, and I refuse to be defeated in a contest of wills."
- >Twilight shook her head.
- >"Well, I guess you'll just have to live with the consequences.
- >She turned back to the chalkboard behind her.
- "C'mon, Twiggles. We've been at this for hours. Can't we take a break?"
- >"It's been thirty two minutes and fifty two seconds, Anon."
- >I grinned and lifted my head.
- "Haah. You used my real name."
- >She rolls her eyes.
- >"Now then, as I was saying, [i]Emerald[/i], the thaumis olfactorium bulb is what allows unicorns and alicorns to perceive the
- flow of magic around them and manipulate it to their will. Its true purpose was discovered in the Celestial Era 221 by Luminous
- Litany..."
- "UUUUUGH. I don't see how this will help me use this forehead phallus."
- >"Would you stop calling it that?"
- "Not as long as it keeps upsetting you."
- >The door burst open, and in walked a piece of trash.
- >"Really, Twilight, the youth of today need a break every so often."
- >I could see her suppress a grimace.
- >"Hello, Blueblood. To what do we owe the pleasure?"
- >If there were any more sarcasm in her voice, I probably could have bottled it.
- >"Do I really need a reason to get to know my new cousin? Auntie has been so busy that we haven't had much time to interact."
- >A likely reason. Memories of force feeding a jerk pony random snacks off of a table at a fancy party came to mind, but nothing
- concrete.
- "I dunno. I heard you were kinda a douche."
- >"...As much as I would like to ask what that is, I come bearing refreshments. I know Twilight can get carried away with
- projects that Auntie has given her, so have a drink."
- >He set down some 'McHayBurger' cup on my desk.
- >"I'd have gotten something myself, but I think my lips would burn from such common fare."
- >"McHayBurger is a perfectly respectable establishment with affordable prices."
- >"Yes, I see that commoner tastes don't vanish when given wings."
- "I think some of them know her order when she walks in the door."
- >Twilight gives me such a stink-eye as I give an inquisitive sniff at the drink.
- "So what's in it?"
- >I'm already taking a drink as he talks.
- >"Oh, it's just some mixed drink. I'm not familiar with such peasant trash."
- >Eyerolls abound.
- >I start to say something, but get interrupted by a hiccup before anything meaningful got out.
- >A fucking heart seemed to float out.
- "I... kinda feel funny..."
- >The world felt a bit fuzzy and indistinct.
- >What was I doing again?
- >There was this... amazing stallion standing right in front of me.
- >"An-- Emerald, are you alright?"
- >Oh, I guess there was some inconsequential mare there too.
- >In a voice sounding like the heavens, the unicorn spoke.
- >"Yes, do you like it?"
- >Wide eyed, I stared for longer than I should have.
- "I... I love you..."
- >That was pretty gay.
- >His melodious laughter filled the room.
- >"Oh, I'm flattered. Perhaps we can spend more time together."
- >The purple one looked pretty suspicious.
- >She must be jealous.
- "... I'll pee in your mouth."
- >Hell yeah.
- >That'll totally get him going.
- >Look at how he's recoiling.
- >"Ugh! That's disgusting! Excuse me?"
- >I leapt from my seat, sending it flying and spilling all its contents on the floor.
- "I can pee in your mouth, and then I can hold you down and stuff a pencil down-"
- >I felt my mouth zip closed, but the unicorn was already in my clutches.
- >Where my hooves were going, there was no need for words.
- >"What was in that drink, Blueblood?!"
- >He stammered as he started trying to push me away.
- >Aw, Shnookie-boo is playing hard to get.
- >"I-it was just a drink from-"
- >"Horseapples. McHayburger doesn't serve any bright pink drinks, and certainly not something that'd do this."
- >Aw shit. Somepony so jealous.
- >"J-just some sort of mixed drink! A bit of cloud, some rainbow glow and such. Get her off of me! Her hooves are getting too
- close to--OH CELESTIA!"
- >Jackpot.
- >Wait... why is he running?
- >I think I'll catch him.
- ---
- >The castle was interesting that day.
- >Blueblood ran screaming through the halls and rooms, flinging doors closed behind him as he ran.
- >Guards grew on alert at the situation, just in case, moments before the doors exploded off their hinges as a little green filly
- burst through them, hearts in her eyes.
- "Get back here, sweet cheeks! I wanna stuff my hoof so far up your boipussy that you'll cum like a firehose!"
- >This only prompted another high pitched scream from Blueblood and more running.
- >The guards looked at each other and decided this way a bit over their pay grade.
- >Plus, Princess Twilight seemed to already be giving chase and screaming something about bodily harm to Blueblood and love
- poisons.
- >Yep. Just another day guarding the door.
- >Calmly, they floated the doors up and propped them mostly back into place and pretended they didn't see anything.
- >Princess Twilight would fix the problem.
- >...and anything that would traumatize Blueblood a little couldn't be entirely bad, right?
- >Just another day in the castle.
- >Day booze in Equestria
- >The interesting thing about brewing something on the sly is finding somewhere to keep it.
- >Not just keep it, but keep someone from finding it.
- >"So, I understand the maid staff found another bucket of grape juice that had gone bad in your closet."
- >Celestia sips at her tea, amusement in her eyes.
- "Oh come on! I even clearly labelled this one not to be touched!"
- >My hooves crossed as I frowned at the salad in front of me.
- >Fucking salad didn't even have any eggs. Or cheese. Or bacon.
- >It's like these ponies just don't know what a good salad is like.
- >I felt something soft pat atop my head.
- >Sliding my gaze over, I saw Celestia giving a tender smile as she patted with her wing, even if there was an undertone of
- amusement to it.
- >"There there, my dearest little pony. I'm sure you'll find a way eventually."
- >I gave Celestia a flat look.
- "And yet, I doubt you'll do anything to actually prevent the maids from throwing my efforts out."
- >"Consider it practice for eventual political talks, Emerald. Getting away with things in treaties without getting caught is a
- useful skill."
- >My eyes narrowed.
- "It's Anonymous."
- >I felt myself magicked over and wrapped up in the princess's hooves.
- >"Not anymore, my Emerald Dawn. The human known as Anonymous disappeared as mysteriously as he arrived. Truly he will be
- missed."
- "That's kinda fucked up, Sunbutt."
- >I felt a weight atop my head, accompanied with a melodious giggle.
- >The rest of lunch was filled with me being fed and cuddled, much to my frustration and objections.
- >And so, my mind settled to planning.
- >It had been two days.
- >The shadows grew longer as Celestia lowered the sun.
- >Outside one of the windows of the castle, a small bottle was lowered down on some string, then secured to one of the supports
- of the railing on the balcony.
- >I was somewhat proud of having tied the knots using only my mouth and a pair of hooves.
- "They'll never find it out there…"
- >With a nod, I turned to make my escape.
- >My daring escape of less than 20 feet, back into the pink hell of my room.
- >God I wish they'd let me change the decor.
- >Mission accomplished, I flopped onto the bed.
- >Apparently, just in the nick of time, as the telltale twinkling sound of magic preceded the door opening.
- >Celestia just strolled right on in like she owned the place.
- >Well… I guess technically she did.
- >"Good evening, Emerald! Already getting ready for bed, I see."
- "Geez, you solar spastic. Haven't you ever heard of knocking?"
- >A melodious laugh was my only reply as she made her way to my bedside.
- >"I finished my duties for the day, and decided to see what you were up to. Perhaps a nice bedtime story would help you get to
- sleep?"
- >She looked so happy as she popped two books that, judging by the covers, were well below my reading level.
- >I affixed her with a flat stare, yet her cheerful smile persisted.
- "If I wanted a bedtime story, I'd read it myself. …and I seriously doubt those would keep my interest. Why don't you go pester
- Twilight about it? She seems like she would enjoy that kind of thing."
- >"You would think so, but we stopped such things after she wrote a twenty page report pointing out the flaws in The Pony and the
- Pauper."
- >The happiness dimmed for a moment around the princess, books dipping slightly lower in her magic.
- >…
- >Shit.
- >With a long sigh and kicking myself a bit, I sat up a little.
- "Look. This is a bit short notice is all."
- >I heard some kind of thump in the direction of the balcony, but I was on a roll.
- "Maybe, I dunno… we could set up some time for something like this later. With better reading material, maybe? They're a bit
- below my age range."
- >Fucking sap.
- >The princess smiled a bit, nodding lightly.
- >She took a breath, then looked slightly puzzled as the thumping took on a more frantic pace.
- >"What in Equestria is going on out there?"
- "Fuck if I know."
- >Celestia's chiding on my language was drowned out by a high pitched "EEEEEE! EEEEEE!" amidst the struggling.
- >Just as puzzled, I climbed out of bed and walked toward the door alongside the princess.
- >As she opened the doors, it revealed a dark grey pony with leathery wings and dark blue armor.
- >It was currently tangled up in impressively strong string against the railing and smelled heavily of fruit and a bit of yeast.
- "GOD DAMN IT!"
- >I had been so certain.
- >But I hadn't factored in the fucking stupidity of some ponies in my plans.
- >The bat pony paused in its struggles before Celestia helped free him so he could rush back to his guard post.
- >She gave a sympathetic pat on my head with a wing before turning to leave.
- >"Better luck next time. Goodnight, Anonymous. Pleasant dreams."
- >Dawn in--No, wait.
- >Morning in Equestria.
- >Because I won't give plasma posterior the satisfaction.
- >At the sound of the birds starting their godawful racket, I executed a flawless retreat beneath the covers of my bed, pillow
- going over my head.
- >"Emerald Dawn~" a cheery voice cooed in a melodious manner. "It's time to get uh-uuup!"
- >Ugh... too early for this shit.
- "...go 'way... sleepin'..."
- >The solar princess tittered to herself.
- >"Come now, sleepy bones. Rise and shine! You don't want to be late for your first flight lesson."
- >I let out a grumble.
- "Yes I do. Too early..."
- >I felt something start prodding me through the sheets.
- >"Come on, now. It's time to face the morning skies. Wakey wakey, Emerald!"
- "There's nobody here by that name."
- >I pulled the covers tighter around myself.
- >Not that it did any good, considering how its comfy embrace vanished with a pop.
- >Fucking hax.
- >"Come on now, my little sunshine. It's best to just face it head on."
- >I glared out from beneath my pillow as best I could.
- >Celestia just sat there, smiling her usual smile.
- >"It's time to spread your wings! I hear the kitchens are making blueberry pancakes this morning~"
- >Again with the sing-song tone.
- "Uuuugh... fine."
- >I shove my pillow off of my head and roll for the edge.
- "These had better be some awesome panca-aaaaaaAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!"
- >Wind rushed past as my eyes snapped open.
- >The ground, far below, was rushing up past me.
- >As I began to flail, I briefly saw Celestia sitting on a cloud up above, my bed floating beside her.
- >"I believe in you!" she called down after me.
- >So this is it.
- >This is how I die.
- >In my wild flailing, one of my wings somehow sent me tumbling, making the world spin wildly.
- "Oh god, I think I'm gonna be sick..."
- >For a moment, I tried flapping, but that just made things worse.
- >Welp. The ground was looking pretty big and pretty fast now.
- >I curled up and covered my eyes, so I at least wouldn't have to see the end.
- >The sudden splat didn't happen, though.
- >Whether fortunately or unfortunately, the telltale hum of magic surrounded me.
- >I felt myself decelerate, then get pulled back into the air.
- >As I opened my eyes, Celestia gently set me back on my bed, still smiling.
- >"That was a good first try. Your technique was a bit off, though. I'd suggest trying to at least gain control in the fall
- first, then turning it into a glide."
- "JESUS CHRIST, CELESTIA! Are you trying to kill me??"
- >At least I was awake now.
- >I scooted away from all the edges of the bed as far as I could as I tried to catch my breath.
- >"I did say that your first flight lesson was this morning. I'm just trying to teach you how I was taught."
- >I stared at her.
- >Her smile didn't budge.
- "You're fucking crazy."
- >"Language, dear."
- "How about letting me at least get some breakfast before dumping something like this on me?"
- >She tisked and shook her head.
- >"Now now, that would just be extra weight you would have to manage. One step at a time. Are you ready for your next try?"
- "No, WAIT!"
- >She put her gold-shod hoof on my chest.
- >"I BELIEVE IN YOU!"
- >With a mighty shove, I cleared the bed and began to plummet once again.
- >"Good luck, sweetie!"
- "AAAAAAAAUUUUUUGHHH!"
- >No pancake is worth this.
- >And so, my morning went.
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