Heartbreak without love

[21:16] Rindou Sakamoto asks, "Let's talk..?"
[21:16] Rindou Sakamoto says, "About anything."
[21:16] Calista Shimasu says, "Hm."
[21:16] Rindou Sakamoto says, "I-"
[21:16] Rindou Sakamoto says, "... just wanna feel normal for a bit."
[21:16] Calista Shimasu says, ".."
[21:16] Calista Shimasu asks, "What's your favorite color?"
[21:16] Rindou Sakamoto says, "I'm blind--"
[21:16] Rindou Sakamoto says, "Purple."
[21:16] Calista Shimasu says, "You weren't always."
[21:16] Rindou Sakamoto says, "It's obviously the best color."
[21:16] Rindou Sakamoto says, "You'll say red's your favorite, though."
[21:16] Calista Shimasu says, "Second to red."
[21:17] Rindou Sakamoto says, "Totally knew."
[21:17] Rindou Sakamoto says, "It takes red to make purple."
[21:17] Rindou Sakamoto says, "So purple is better."
[21:17] Calista Shimasu says, "It takes diluting red with blue."
[21:17] Rindou Sakamoto says, "It's just... advanced red."
[21:17] Rindou Sakamoto says, "Better red."
[21:17] Calista Shimasu says, "It's tainted red."
[21:18] Rindou Sakamoto says, "You love it when it's tainted and red."
[21:18] Calista Shimasu asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"
[21:18] Rindou Sakamoto says, "Sinful. Red like blood..."
[21:18] Rindou Sakamoto says, "..."
[21:18] Rindou Sakamoto says, "You know."
[21:18] Calista Shimasu says, "Hehe."
[21:18] Calista Shimasu says, "Young asked me if I still bled red like Humans."
[21:19] Rindou Sakamoto says, "You definitely do."
[21:19] Calista Shimasu says, "Mhm."
[21:20] Rindou Sakamoto asks, "What's your favorite meal?"
[21:20] Calista Shimasu says, "...Maki rolls."
[21:20] Rindou Sakamoto asks, "... Really?"
[21:20] Calista Shimasu asks, "What?"
[21:20] Rindou Sakamoto exclaims, "I expected something else!"
[21:21] Calista Shimasu says, "Like what.../"
[21:21] Calista Shimasu asks, "The blood of my enemies?"
[21:21] Rindou Sakamoto says, "No. Something more rich."
[21:21] Calista Shimasu says, "Just simple fish and seaweed.. It's always been good to me."
[21:22] Rindou Sakamoto says, "It's not bad..."
[21:22] Calista Shimasu asks, "Why are you attracted to me?"
[21:23] Rindou Sakamoto says, ".. I wasn't at first. You just... wanted me."
[21:23] Rindou Sakamoto says, "And it felt nice."
[21:23] Calista Shimasu says, ".."
[21:24] Rindou Sakamoto says, "Eventually I just-"
[21:24] Rindou Sakamoto says, "I knew you wanted more than just to bed me, I guess."
[21:24] Rindou Sakamoto says, "When you were hurt."
[21:24] Rindou Sakamoto says, "When being away from me made you upset."
[21:24] Rindou Sakamoto asks, "... What about you?"
[21:25] Calista Shimasu says, "..."
[21:25] Calista Shimasu asks, "You're beautiful and strong, why wouldn't I be..?"
[21:26] Rindou Sakamoto says, "There are other people that are pretty and strong."
[21:26] Rindou Sakamoto says, "Prettier. Stronger, too."
[21:27] Calista Shimasu asks, "And..?"
[21:27] Rindou Sakamoto asks, "Why not them?"
[21:28] Calista Shimasu says, "They didn't catch my eye."
[21:28] Rindou Sakamoto asks, "Why did I?"
[21:30] Calista Shimasu says, "Because no one else hated me really, dislike sure... but no one saw me for the monster I am hm..? You did."
[21:30] Rindou Sakamoto says, "... And me knowing you were just..."
[21:31] Calista Shimasu asks, "I was just..?"
[21:31] Rindou Sakamoto asks, ".. The type to betray me if it made you better, that's attractive to you?"
[21:33] Calista Shimasu whispers: No.. that you saw me for what I am.. and yet you began to be attracted to me anyway.
[21:33] Calista Shimasu asks, "Do you still see me as a monster...?"
[21:34] Rindou Sakamoto says, ".. At times."
[21:34] Rindou Sakamoto says, "Some other times you're just..."
[21:34] Rindou Sakamoto says, "... A normal girl who happens to really love pain."
[21:35] Calista Shimasu says, "I see..."
[21:36] Calista Shimasu asks, "Yet you still want a sometimes-monster.. and an always sado-masochist?"
[21:36] Rindou Sakamoto says, "I want a lot of things."
[21:36] Rindou Sakamoto says, "You are one of them."
[21:38] Calista Shimasu asks, "What lets you see past that..?"
[21:41] Rindou Sakamoto says, "I can't see-"
[21:41] Rindou Sakamoto says, ".. I don't know."
[21:41] Rindou Sakamoto says, "A lot of people wanted you."
[21:41] Calista Shimasu says, "I don't mean physically."
[21:41] Rindou Sakamoto says, "You've got divine blood."
[21:41] Rindou Sakamoto says, "You've got power."
[21:41] Rindou Sakamoto says, "I want that."
[21:41] Rindou Sakamoto says, "I want all of it."
[21:41] Rindou Sakamoto says, "So, I want you."
[21:41] Calista Shimasu says, "So... you don't want /me/... You want what I am.."
[21:42] Rindou Sakamoto says, "If I didn't want you I wouldn't force you to marry me and try to sever the ties you have with that servant."
[21:44] Calista Shimasu says, "Unless you just wanted all of my /Divinity/ my /power/ alone..."
[21:47] Rindou Sakamoto asks, "..?"
[21:52] Calista Shimasu asks, "Is that all it is......?"
[21:52] Rindou Sakamoto says, "No."
[21:53] Rindou Sakamoto says, "It's-"
[21:53] Rindou Sakamoto says, ".."
[21:53] Rindou Sakamoto says, "It's difficult to explain."
[21:53] Rindou Sakamoto says, "But it's more than that."
[21:55] Vetani is listening in unabashedly.
(Vetani)
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[21:55] Calista Shimasu says, "...."
[21:56] Calista Shimasu says, "Explain it."
[21:56] Rindou Sakamoto says, "..."
[21:57] Vetani says, "Rindou..."
[21:58] Rindou Sakamoto says, "-"
[21:58] Rindou Sakamoto says, "..."
[21:58] Rindou Sakamoto asks, "Vetani?"
[21:59] Vetani says, "Actually... maybe later."
[21:59] Vetani says, "Nice to see you. In Huangzhou."
[21:59] Rindou Sakamoto says, ".. Oh."
[21:59] Rindou Sakamoto says, "Alright."
[22:04] Rindou shook her head a bit, having almost said something embarassing in front of Vetani. That was a close one! A red tinge came up on her cheeks as she faced up towards the heavens. Unable to see but able to avoid the embarassement.

"... I think you're a good fit for me. Perfect. If either of us was a man, then no one would dare question our union. Neither the Illuminated nor traditions. You come from a high class, and you have something... more to you. I want to be stronger, better. I want to live the life I should live. The life of a princess, some would say. You're the perfect partner for that."
(Rindou Sakamoto)
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[22:10] Was it too much.. to want to be loved..? Sima and Tahl's help had begun to allow her to feel.. not truly as most would but it was more than she ever had before..

Though still not love, and that was what she would want to feel the most. The feeling of loving and being loved in return.

Rindou wanted to use her, to gain the life she wanted... she was basically selling herself to the fox for what she wanted..

"I wanted love Rindou… and for a few moments I thought we could have had that. Not to be used to sustain your way of life."

She clenched her fists at her sides, and her cheeks reddened.
(Calista Shimasu)
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[22:16] "Love hurts. Love sucks. Love... is taking a leap towards the darkness and not being sure if you'll land in someone arms or on the ground, all alone and hurt. I don't want to be hurt again by love and I'm pretty tired of the dark."

The noblewoman faced the kitsune for a few moments, then far off ahead, towards the south or so she thought. Eventually words that may just break Calista's heart were spoken.

"Why should I love someone who can't love me back?"
(Rindou Sakamoto)
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[22:18] And there it was, the straw that would break the camel's back. The sword to pierce her chest.

"Because.. I have began to feel... Otherwise do you think I would have given a flying fuck if you died..? No.

Though I guess I shouldn't have expected less... no one should love a monster."

She turns to walk away, she needed to get away... She had to get away.
(Calista Shimasu)
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[22:24] What good was someone to love if they didn't love you back in that moment? She had seen it happen with Caira, too, even if they had both shared feelings for eachother they were left... unspoken. It ruined it. Ruined their friendship. Ruined everything. Calista would be no different, though... she still was precious. Her position, her power, her ability - they were all needed. Sure, Rindou felt in some sort of way towards the kitsune but it wasn't something as concrete as love.

.. Even so, she'd play her part. She'd put on the mask of the scared, of the shy, of the afraid from beneath her blindfold. When the divine-blooded turned around Rindou's hand moved to catch hers. She gave a pause before speaking, getting the right... mood in.

"... I can't tell you I love you without you being able to tell me the same." She said. It wasn't a lie but it wouldn't be quite true to claim she felt those feelings back, not asfearful as she was right now. Both losing her in or out of a relationship was no option.

"I don't want to be hurt. I don't want to lose you. I just...

... I need a guarantee, that's why I wanted us to marry."

It was tiptoeing the line between lies and truth. She was pandering to her but sharing her own feelings, even if she couldn't quite accept a lot of them.
(Rindou Sakamoto)
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[22:27] She felt used, and she was angry. It would likely be a terrible time for Young when she returned home. He still needed to be weakened more anyway..

"Then I don't want to marry at all... it shouldn't be about a guarantee."

She would try to dodge that hand that snapped our for her wrist.
(Calista Shimasu)
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[22:33] When Calista's hand moved away from hers she knew she had gone too far. She had been too... honest with her. Far, far too honest with her. There were things that could be said and others that she should never share. The truth was best kept hidden, really. There was a reason people hated Rindou, wasn't there? All of her issues, problems, desires... they were all born from this.

From wanting too much and having nothing to offer in return. How hard would it be to just tell Calista 'I love you'. How hard would it have been to allow the kitsune to have just one moment of happiness, to not feel like a monster when she was trying to take steps in the right direction?

.. But no. She had to ruin it all. The young woman was completely blind to the expression on the other's face, but she knew there was a lot of anger, of pain, of disappointment. A heart had been broken before it could even properly feel love.

All because the Illuminated wanted a perfect life.
And now she was about to lose more.
Again.

I loved you. You were my best friend.

Fear manifested itself. She didn't want to feel that way again. She didn't want to be alone. She didn't want to be unloved. Her lips parted as she turned, unable to really face that so-called monster.

"Calista— wait!

I-
— I love you, alright?!"

A plea. A desperate attempt at latching onto what she was about to lose.
(Rindou Sakamoto)
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[22:39] Of course she would say it now... now that she was walking away. It would be her last chance to gain that life she so wanted, the life she was willing to break her heart over.

A life she wanted to bad she'd sleep with a monster to get it.

"You would say it now that I'm walking away... but when I asked for honesty you could not give it. You were lying then or you are lying now.

Consider it all off. I was willing to risk it all for you.... no longer."

Wings spread and she would be gone.

She hoped Rindou fell down the hill.
(Calista Shimasu)
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[22:51] Consider it all off. I was willing to risk it all for you.... no longer.

Those words echoed in her head, repeating themselves over and over. Rindou's own heart felt like it was being hammered down, broken again despite her not feeling the love one would need to be brokenhearted. Why? Why was it happening this way? Why did it have to turn so... so bad?

She had complained, bemoaned her own lack of love and when someone went and made the efforts to actually give it to her she just... threw it away? She wanted a better life so, so bad that she couldn't see the one that was laid right before her with a few more steps. She was blind physically and emotionally. Her heart was in shambles.

".. no..." She muttered to herself, shaking her head decisively. Her legs felt weak. Her body as heavy as her heart, forcing her to fall down on her knees, to grip at the ground right by her side. Tears stained the blindfold she wore as she... lost it. Completely.

She ruined things with Caira by demanding friendship beyond what the Gehennan could give.
She ruined things with Reito by demanding selective kindness the woman couldn't provide without destroying her own life.
She ruined things with Lea by blaming her for not doing a single thing to help.
She destroyed any hope Vetani had laid upon her.
She fought people, hurt people, lost the smidge of importance she had with that key.
She threw away happiness seeking it.

All because she wanted more. She needed more. She desired what she didn't have, and it blinded her. It harmed her.

"WHY?!" She screamed out, pounding on the ground, hoping the Jiuweihu that Calista could still hear her, that she would return, that everything would be alright but... She knew, deep down, that she had ruined it all.

Rindou Sakamoto was not fit for Agartha. She was not fit for love, power, or glory. Losing against Sors had only sped up those... feelings. The envy that embraced her heart had been her ruined. The Ultovex cast her wearing a robe of such, yet she never knew just how deep— how far it would take her.

She couldn't understand until now. She couldn't understand the weight one must carry if they ever hoped to be able to break the chains of fate.

Malentine Invidia had called her nothing more than a pawn. Who's unkind game of chess was she playing and why had she not been sacrificed for a better piece yet? When would she reach the end and become a Queen?

Her heart ached, yet love was not the issue.
(Rindou Sakamoto)