*** counselling session is now on ***
Krystal So um, hi
Krystal My girlfriend wants me to get help
Carmel Hi, This is Carmel. Iam a counsellor here. How can I help you tonight? Can I also check to see if you have contacted us before?
Krystal I haven't, no
Carmel Krystal, are you contacting form Australia?
Krystal Yes, in brisbane
Carmel Thanks, So, Krystal, what is happening for you?
Krystal Um. where do I start? Basically, my stepfather raped me almost nightly and daily when my mother was at work when I was yhounger, and in the last few years I've increasingly gotten flashbacks
Krystal I can feel, hear and still remember the emotions of when it happned
Krystal It still hurts. So much. I'ma transgendered female, so it was all anally. As a child. He would drug me with round green pills.
Krystal I want to die.
Carmel I am so sorry to hear this, Krystal. This is so wrong, that you have experience this abuse. I do want to point out at this stage that we cannot get into describing any trauma events online or on the phone, due to the triggering effect this has, It is sensitive work that needs to be done in the safety of face to face counselling.
Krystal I understand
Krystal I've already been triggered tonight, I don't think it would make a difference. I was feeling it happen all over again just half an hour ago
Carmel Krystal, it may be helpfil for you to know what the common impacts are for people who have experience child sexual assault.
Krystal oksy
Carmel When you are feeling triggered, Krystal, it is important that you " ground yourself". Remember that you are now safe, that what you are experiencing is a vivid memory and although it is very unpleasant, it is in fact past and you have actually survived the trauma. You are now dealing with the aftermath of that trauma.
Krystal But it hurts so much. It's too much for me.
Carmel Flashbacks are very common and sometimes it is the increase in the occurence and the intensity of these which motivate people into seeking professional help.
Krystal also what makes me want to end it all.
Carmel It can feel very overwhelming, when these flashbacks occur. And they are too difficult to bear on your own. I would really encourage you, Krystal to see a counsellor who can support you through these awful memories, in order for you to process the feelings associated.
Krystal I see a psychologist weekly. He can't help me. I freeze up face to face
Krystal I feel terrible about it
Carmel Suicide ideation is, infortunately, also very common in survivors of abuse. Probably due to the depth of the enmotional pain and the uncomfortable feelings.
Carmel What do you see the psychologist for. Is it for the abuse or for another matter?
Krystal The suicidal ideation and the abuse
Krystal I freeze up everytime I talk about it
Krystal I can
Krystal 't even help myself
Carmel And how long have you been seeing the psychologist.?
Krystal Over a year.
Krystal I've barely breached the topic.
Carmel It takes a long long time to build enough trust to raise this issue. Iam wondering if the freezing is about your reaction to discussing the trauma material as opposed to not feeling comforatble with the threrapist. Freezing is another common impact of abuse.
Krystal I know what it is
Krystal it makes me want to cry, but I can only cry freely drunk
Krystal he would always beat me for crying, I'm still terrified
Krystal the therapist himself is a lovely man.
Carmel Krystal, you are safe now. He cant hurt you any more. Please try your best to reassure yourself with this thought of being safe.
Carmel I am glad to hear you describe the therapist as such, it means that you have a good relationship.
Krystal But I'm too scared. As soon as I try to reassure myself, the opposite reminds me
Krystal It's terrible. I don't want to put up with this anymore
Krystal if I left this in a note, would people still be mad at me when I die?
Krystal But yes, the terapist is lovely.
Carmel Recovering from the trauma you have been through take a long time and sometimes the path seems to get worse before it improves. Major astuff has happened to you, Krystal and it has its severe impacts on you. It is normal to feel desperate at times, and feel that the pain will last for ever. Yet there is a better place, Krystal
Krystal Yeah, that feels right.
Krystal Everything but getting better
Krystal I don't see how it could
Krystal it haunts me always.
Krystal I just want to die and end it. Maybe then I'll be happy. I don't believe in anything after death, and if there is, I'll beg for nothingness. Simplicity for once would be perfect. Calm and empty. I crave nonexistance.
Carmel It is common for children who are being regularly abused to deal with these trumatic events by " escaping " emotionally and psychologically from the event. Sometimes thats freezing, sometimes its a blanking out " dissociation". At some stage, the memories may return and they still feel present and current. That is because the emotions have not been felt and processed. So it is an important stage in therapy, " trauma processing' wherein the feelings are experienced and processed in the safety of a counsellor.
Carmel Are you planning to harm yourself tonight Krystal?
Carmel Sorry our exchanges are a bit off kilter!
Krystal I want to, but my girlfriend won't fall asleep without me, for that reason
Krystal The only kindness I can do her is to not let her find the body first
Carmel It sounds like she is a good and caring girl.
Krystal very much so
Carmel You obviously love her very much..
Krystal I do, she's why I've held on this long.
Krystal but it's getting hard for me. The flashbacks are almost daily now.
Krystal I feel selfish and horrible
Carmel Something or somebody is always the reason. Did you read the bit about the freezing and the processing of the absent feelings as a step to recovery, healing?
Krystal yes, it seems to fit.
Carmel You are not selfish and horrible!
Krystal For wishing to die, I certainly feel that way.
Krystal It'll ruin her.
Carmel The rational and logic of the recovery process. I know it doesn't feel predictable or calm as it sounds. Still, that is how people do heal, by processing feelings at a time in life when they feel safe to do so. It may be that you are approaching that time with your therapist, in small bits at a time.
Krystal They must be very small. I don't feel like I'm making progress at all.
Krystal and I don't think now is a time I can deal with it, due to the being suicidal.
Carmel Youa re absolutely right, Krystal. Safety is the first step. The reason I outlined the processing of feelings stage is to describe how the recovery can actually happed, to give you a sense of hope that ther is an end to this, that healing is a process and in time, you can heal.
Carmel Krystal. do you need me to alert emergency services on your behalf?
Krystal maybe. I know that's what my girlfriend wants for me.
Krystal I'm still undecided on if I'll ever make it.
Krystal I'm not sure if I need emrgy services
Carmel Is your girl friend with you now?
Krystal I think I'll drink and fall asleep. That sounds safer. My girlfriend is being stubborn and not letting me out of her sight. Yes, she is.
Carmel Drinking and sleeping seems like a fairly safe choice. Also your girl friend is determined. Do you often feel suicidal?
Krystal It does, I suppose. I get very sleepy after a couple drinks.
Krystal She's very determines, I feel suicidal almost daily.
Krystal Today has been especially rough
Krystal I've been planning on dying for the last two weeks, but I haven't been out of her sight
Carmel She wants you alive ! You would want you alive too, I am guessing, if you could see lght at the end of this tunnel. Thatrs what I am trying to shine for you, as I am sure your therapist is. Please hold hope..
Krystal I'm trying my best, but it's way too much.
Krystal I just want to end it. THat's the only thing I know will fix it.
Carmel Krystal, I prpbably should have warned you at the beginning, that this on line sometimes drops out. Sorry in advance if this happens. Please call us 1800 424 017 or contact later if you get cut off.
Krystal that's okay
Krystal I'll drink and sleep soon enough anyway
Krystal you've been absolutely lovely. and you calmed many tears. thank you.
Krystal not necessarily a goodbye yet
Krystal I'd like to remain talking
Carmel Every day, you have renewed energy, to deal with the next. Don't drink too much though, Incidentally, drug and alcohol use corelates very highly with this - not rocket science! IIt is ok to stay on line a while longer, Krystal..
Krystal Okay, thank you. And I figured it would be. I can entirely understand why.
Krystal I'd like to stay on for a bit
Carmel Ok, Krystal, can I just say that I talk to a lot of survivors of child abuse and I am being genuine when I say that ther seem to be many stages. It is true that it is a very damaging trauma to a human being and the impacts are severe. Yet, many people get through it - people often refer to the days when " I felt constantly suicidal. always drunk etc " - remembering the very bad times in the past, impying that now, for them life is much better.
Krystal well, maybe I'll get there
Krystal my girlfriend would like that
Krystal but I guess I'm just an impatient kid, wishing for it all to go away
Krystal I just want the self disgust to stop
Carmel You know that you are loved, it seems like.. Love can be your reason.
Krystal the paranoia that I was willing, I wanted and participated in it
Krystal I want it to stop
Carmel Self disgust, guilt, shame, feeling that you contributed to the abuse, allowed it to happen, were partly respnsible, all those awful feelings - very common.
Krystal all of the above...
Krystal I hate myself so much for it
Carmel We wrote the same thing at the same time. Its a weird thing, the blame and shame that ought to go to the perpetrator gets twisted inwards, very odd, but almost universal...
Krystal who else can I blame, sure, he did it, but I was there. I was unable to defend myself or able to say no from the pills. I couldn't do anything. It's my fault for not being stronger
Krystal sometimes I worry I wanted it
Krystal that I willingly participated
Krystal that I wanted the attention of being his whore
Carmel When you are a kid, you are powerless. The adult hold the power, the perp will want you to feel that you are a party to it - swear you to secrecy. It is a ploy to control you - you won't tell because you feel ashamed, exactly what he wants and aht he has been manipulating you to believe..
Krystal and I do believe it
Krystal solely and completely. It hurts, but I can't stop
Carmel Kid = no power. Older adult perp = powerful. You were a kid and had no power. Repeat until blue in the face ( repetition can be very powerful ) . But the change needs to happen at an emotional gut level. You need to experience the relief of knowing that you were in no way responsible.
Krystal But I was! I had to have been to blame. I acted feminine, I could have misbehaved, something. I hate myself so much. I just want to die and end it finally.
Carmel Krystal, this is what you need to take to therapy with you. the blame and shame. It can shift ! At least start the process in your head. Entertain the idea that you have been punishing yourself all along, that you are blameless. Consider this and be open to it!
Krystal I try to, but it's always overpowered. I just feel entirely hopeless
Krystal I try to, and pretend I do, for my girlfriend
Krystal but I just don't believe it
Krystal it was me
Krystal it had to be
Carmel Keep trying > Krystal and when you are tired of it, take a break and go back to it later. I dont care if you were pole dancing - when a child is sexually abused, the boundaries are all confused. You think you are supposed to be sexual because you have been abused. That is why so many kids who have been abused have highly sexualised behaviour.
Krystal Okay... Oh, not that kind of misbehaving. Like, I'd get thrown against the wall for not picking up crayons.
Carmel That is truely awful. What a horrible start in life for a kid. Don't let this awful person ruin your whole life, Krystal. Grab it back. Be angry and determined . It is your right to have a good and meaningful life - be patient also..
Krystal it was my fault... Please, why does everyone stop be from ending it? I just want it to go away, that's all. There's nothing left to grab back, I've given up. I'm just waiting until I can finally end it, I'm not a strong person. I can't handle to constant memories.
Carmel How about you have your drink tonight, Krystal. See what tomm brings. Your girl friend will keep you safe tonight?
Krystal I fall asleep solid for a good 12 hours when I drink. For tonight, I guess I can try to be fine.
Krystal So tempted to pick up a knife and make a run for it, though
Krystal Thank you so much
Krystal you've been the best, I'm sure you've helped many people.
Carmel Krsystal, stay away from that knife. Where is the alcohol?
Krystal alcohol is beside me. I'm just not a fan of the taste. THe knife is a few metres away.
Carmel Alcohol is nearer. After the first swig, you will be ok taste wise, or improving. Where is your girlfreind?
Krystal I just downed half a bottle of wine (always hated wine), my girlfriend is in bed, watching and waiting for me
Carmel I want you to be safe and I am happy to call emergency service for you.
Krystal I understand.
Krystal I'll down the rest of the bottle and go to sleep. Is it possible to specifically talk to you again tomorrow?
Krystal I feel like I trust you.
Krystal you're very lovely.
Carmel Thanks, Krystal, for agreeing to be safe tonight and for your nice comments. If you contact agian, you may get me or anotherr counsellor. Wwe ar a team , 24 hr. We keep a confidential file on our secure data base and the counsellor who gets you will be able to read a summary of our exchange tonight. Therfore we can offer consistency. It may well be me. Also, Krystal, the phone is good,
Krystal I have a diagnosed social phobia, phone and face to face interactions can sometimes even cause me to faint.
Krystal I'd like to online chat with you again.
Krystal I've talked to several counsellors, but you stopped me crying once. It was nice
Carmel I understand, but I am afraid that we cant offer same counsellor service ( rules, not me ) . Dont rule out the possibility that it could be me next time.
Krystal I understand
Krystal well, hopefully I find you again.
Krystal I'll down the rest of the bottle and go to sleep. I'm alive for another night.
Krystal I wish you the best. You are the kindest stranger I know.
Carmel I wish you all the best and there are alot of very nice, caring people here. Thankyou for the nice comments ! Good night Krystal..
Krystal Goodnight, and thank you very much
Krystal you were lovely