struck

It was only a month after she passed
Waiting for a fucking answer
Someone to say something about why or how
And yet, we're almost at the third year
Coming up, I don't know if I can handle it
The answer, only she has but we will never know
Was it an accident or suicide, I wish the thoughts would go
But now I'm stuck wondering and trying to get closure
With everything that's happened but no, my depression gets lower
I could've had everything while she was on top
But instead I'm at the bottom while she's deep under the ground
I can say goodbye and I miss you all I fucking want but in the end it doesn't matter
Who the fuck knows if she's hearing me
Sara if you're here, listen
I love you man, my life has been pure shit without you
I miss the fuck out of you
I miss the phone calls and everything
I've done everything I could just to take the pain away
But no, now I'm a fucking loser with regret
I spend my time doing drugs and sitting on my ass
Fucking around on forums when all they do is give me less
Is it the culture or the drugs that's been tearing me down
None of it matters, it's the grief inside that's killing me
The grief that sat me down and smacked me in the face
Showed me the cruelest world and put me in my place
All just for you, I sacrificed everything to be closer to you
My family and friends don't have me in the alternate universe
But I couldn't bring them the reality of pain that struck when you left
It'll still be clinging for the rest of my life
The only release is when I finally die
Knowing me, it'll probably be suicide
Or hopefully these opioids fucking kill me
One day children will say, who was Melinda
Well guess what you little bastard
I was a fucking druggie
A drunk, a stoner
A piece of shit with values that nobody listened to
A sucker for the life that I couldn't fucking live
The life that leads all to death
Somehow I'm still here to write this
February 2018, who knows how much longer I have left
Maybe this year, I get the sweet release of death