As content creators, our sole purpose at the end of the day is to bring moments of reprieve
to our communities.
As VTubers, we're meant as a form of escapism.
It feels as if there are silent rules of survival in this field.
Keep your head above water and your smile on.
Don't disappoint.
Don't over-share.
Don't under-share.
Don't make mistakes.
Navigating this community involves building friendships and balancing personal connections
with professional obligations.
The constant need to be likeable and professional despite personal struggles can lead to feelings
of isolation and anxiety.
The ability to connect with people from anywhere in the world and turn that into an opportunity
to come together and share what you love initially feels like a dream but can quickly feel like
you're drowning and isolated.
We are all so vastly different at first only being connected by things at surface level
which sometimes can become overwhelming.
Being kind and people-pleasing to not just a small group of what would be normal but
trying to be likeable to an overwhelming amount of people in this field.
Get along with everyone.
Be liked.
Don't cross anyone.
Don't be different.
Don't overstep.
Don't leave on read.
Don't DM too many times.
Don't talk too much.
Don't talk too little.
Don't care and care more.
All of this mixed with trying to understand communication with so many new people alongside
maintaining a career and being consistent for our communities.
We're going to find ourselves in situations that make us uncomfortable, misunderstandings,
mistakes.
Maintaining professionalism while continuing to be likeable and understanding.
Maintaining professionalism while quietly, maybe completely falling apart.
I don't have a normal base foundation as a person and the older I get and more elongated
therapy sessions I sit through, the more I've come to terms with that.
I'm stuck in a state of hypervigilance, alertness, social anxiousness, and needing reassurance
because I don't yet know how to reassure myself.
Maintaining whatever issues you may be working through within yourself is difficult and then
on top of that trying to maintain a happy online presence is even harder.
There's no rule book on how to navigate an online career when you have falling out in
the background.
I was in a state of being reminded for many months of my failures as a person, be it true
or false.
My fault or not at all became relevant at a certain point.
The whispers behind closed doors by those who deemed me unlikable were loud.
Louder with every month that passed and no amount of head in the sand or distancing myself
would drown out the noise.
I spiraled, I stopped eating, I got sick.
I was deteriorating and I no longer valued my life.
Being in this community sometimes can be so loud.
You almost get to a point where the only way to drown out the noise is by making plans
to quiet it forever.
In a community where we are hundreds behind a character to make those that tune in forget
for even a moment of their own way to the world, I hope that we can be more forgiving
of each other.
I don't ask that we get along or even like each other, but at the bare minimum to remember
how vastly different each of us are, how different our upbringings were and how different
each of us communicate.
At some point our expectations for others reach maximum levels and we have forgotten
that we no longer have the ability to even look at each other in person when we speak
unless we travel across the country or maybe even the world.
We paint a quick picture of someone by judgment of their content and quick surface level messages
and hold resentment if they step out of line rather than communicate.
We're all terminally online and have lost the ability of compassion on so many levels.
It's easier to open our ears to whispers than to make judgments on our own because
we don't even have time for ourselves anymore.
We're capped out mentally and I'm afraid of where that might push us if we don't stop
and try to find compassion again.
As wonderful as it is to be surrounded by like-minded creatives, it can be equally as
harsh within moments that make you feel devalued not only as a creator but as a person.
So I needed time.
I still need time.
I deactivated my counts and I went silent because my body became sick and my mind wasn't
helping.
I've been making steps to be healthy and be better about how I handle making mistakes
and understand how to communicate better and overall figure out how to just keep moving
forward.
To my community that I've built, I love you.
You've given me so much opportunity to live, to be better, to try again, to survive, and
I want you to know that I'm sorry.
I found my stride before I disappeared in horror, cooking, confidence, building new
friends, trying new things.
I love streaming.
I've missed every second that I haven't, so please, any hesitantly taking a step forward
in coming back, be patient with me.
Everyone is going through their own battles right now and their own forms of loneliness
and trying to cope with whatever lifestyle they formed in order to keep making content
for all of us to enjoy.
I really look forward to seeing you again.