Top Gear Strangereal P.1+2

TONIGHT:

Hammond pretends he's Tom Cruise,
May forgets to switch his weapons,
And I press a button.

-

"Hello, and welcome to a truly one-of-a-kind Top Gear Strangereal special-- an aerial adventure through the heart of the Usean continent."

-

"Now as we all know, the Usean continent has something of a history of having its wars solved by lone pilots and small squadrons-- and the producers have decided that if some of the world's greatest Aces had to first fly across it in an F-4 Phantom, then so should we."

-

"So we were told to each purchase a surplus multirole aircraft- without spending more than 200,000- and bring them to the start line near Los Canas, in South Central Usea.

A region that's seen plenty of aircraft overhead from not one but TWO continental wars- and now we'll be seeing IT from overhead... while in the pilot seats."

-

I was the first to land... and made certain to come well-equipped for the job.

"The Tornado IDS-- the celebrated Attack aircraft from Panavia. Rugged design, variable wing geometry, and a proud history of military action."

"This one, I'm told, was actually USED in the first Usean continental war... you can see there's been some repairs- this, uh, conspicuous plate right here- But it made it back to base for repairs, so I can only assume that's proof enough that it's in working condition."

-

But before I could talk about my choice of special weapons, a vodka-drenched roar came from overhead.

"Wait a minute... that's a Klimov turbofan."

And indeed, it was. May had arrived.

-

"I've Chosen the MiG-29 Fulcrum; Long known and beloved for its pivotal position in the--"

"James." "Yeah?" "That's a MiG-29." "Correct. Purchased flight-ready, from Yuktobanian surplus, WITH rocket pods."

"--Well of COURSE it's surplus, James! You do know there's a reason why nobody this side of Emmeria actually USES rocket pods, right? So there you are, going nose-down towards the ground, towards the SAMs, in an aircraft famous for getting hit with missiles."

-

"Oh, look who's talking." "What?"

James then started firing some shots of his own... at my Tornado.

"That, the... what is that, the F3--" "GR4."

"--So it's gone from having a big chunk of dense rock in place of its radar to having one strapped into its pilot seat, then?"

-

And as much as we enjoying our spirited discussion... we couldn't help but notice that Hammond had yet to arrive.

"Okay, so, we know when Hammond shows up--"
"Well, it's going to be SOMETHING from the OAF."
"--Some big, bulky, all-thrust monstrosity."
"F-4 Phantom II?" "Oh, God."

-

Suddenly, we heard another aircraft approach... and it took our breath away.

"Oh my God, he seriously--!" "A TOMCAT?!"

-

"Gentlemen-- welcome to the Danger Zone: The F-14/A!"
"You-- oh my god."
"What--"

"Hammond-- we're bringing Multiroles over Central Usea and you brought a... carrier-based air superiority fighter."
"Ah! But they use it for bombing in the Osean Navy-- works just fine."
"First, what they actually USE is an F-14B, not an F-14A; and what's that? Look, on the wing-- are those-- you brought XLAAs! What are you planning to do against ground targets?"

-

With the gauntlet thrown down, Hammond began taking aim at OUR planes.
"Now THERE'S your plane for hitting the dirt. That's a Mig-29."
"The Fulcrum. Reliable, easy to repair--"
"--For starters, A FIGHTER--"
"--MULTIROLE."
"--in order for it to be a MULTIROLE, May, it would need to be able to perform at least one role adequately. And saying it's 'easy to repair' just means 'they already knew it was going to break down.'"
"And what about-- that. There. Your Tornado?"
"Yes." "Well, be sure to tell me if you see anything interesting from that close to the ground."

-

Thankfully, before Hammond could start singing Kenny Loggins, we were given a challenge.

"Oh! Thank you. Right, let's see... 'You will now be flying #NULL miles Northeast to the site of the Second Usean Continental War's final battle: the Capital city of... Erusea. Farbanti.' "

"Farbanti?"

"Wait, there's more. 'You will receive points based NOT on the order of your arrival, but instead on your performance in the... missions, along the way.' "

"Missions?...What, are we being drafted?" "Well the war hasn't actually STARTED yet, has it?" "Yeah, and I'd feel a mite guilty if WE were the ones to start it."

And so, after a brief review of the conventions of the Lumen Peace Accords, we were on our way.

-

"As you would expect, dear viewers, I have done this properly. Does the MiG-29 have a poor combat record? Yes, BUT, The thing is, the raw numbers of the MiG-29 don't really give you the full picture. You've got to remember that most of those those were Yuke EXPORT versions.

This one's the genuine article, and the fact is, once you're at the controls, what you've got is over one-hundred-and-sixty kilonewtons of thrust across two turbofan engines and an airframe that stands up to nine-G maneuvers.

Let's see Clarkson's Tonka and Hammond's... TOY do that."

-

"I had one of these as a toy when I was a kid. It was one of those all-black ones they saw in the Circum-Pacific War-- The Ghosts of Razgriz!

I admit, it IS a bit of a stretch to call this thing a multirole. Yes, it's... a fighter. Mostly. But I'll tell you what else it is: It's an ICON. You don't look at a Panavia Tornado or a MiG-29 and think 'Oh, no, THAT'S surely going to shoot me down'-- actually, no, you wouldn't think it with a Tomcat either; this thing's got XLAAs and can hit mach two without breaking a sweat. You'd never even see it coming. And if you DID, hopefully you'd be wearing a brown flightsuit.

I'll be blowing bandits out of the sky before Clarkson's school bus has picked itself up above two thousand feet."

-

I, meanwhile, had found my Tornado was starting to give me a little bit of turbulence.

"I've just realized something... there's a faint, shrill little whistling sound coming from somewhere near the back of my cockpit. I think it's coming from... oh, bollocks.

Yup. There it is. There's a few bullet holes... four of them. Underneath the patch. It's a little loose, I think. I'll have to check the safety wires there... But I doubt it's going to matter. What's a little air to a Tornado?

It's definitely more of an Attacker than it is a Fighter, sure, but that's its whole philosophy; It's a fine-tuned instrument. It's not about the showboating, or trying to do everything at once, no-- maybe it started off like that, sure, but not the GR4. They gave it a job, and it DOES it, and does it well. It's as simple as that."

-

Eventually, however, we made our way across the the southern coast of Usea, and- after taking a slight detour- we arrived at Scion Air Base in Istas Fortress: A Central Erusean military airport, high atop a plateau overlooking the Chopinburg Rainforest. As our planes refuelled, we decided to step aside for a brief history lesson.

"Back in 2004- shortly after the Second Usean Continental War had started, after Erusea had taken control of Stonehenge- ISAF had their headquarters set in Los Canas, and this entire facility was their defensive line." "Not just the airstrip, but the supply base--" "The supply base, a submarine dock-- if you look over there, right atop that plateau, you can see an antenna for the VTOL base.

They thought it'd be nearly impenetrable, but the Erusean military took it over in a day; and maybe six months later, the ISAF took it back again." "While Erusea still had Stonehenge!" "While they still had Stonehenge! ISAF had sent in only nine pilots, and only had a scant few losses by the end of it. Their pilots just-- flew under the shots, by keeping below 2000 feet."

"Jeremy..." "Mm." "This... plateau's at 3000 feet, though, isn't it?"

"Ah; well, that's the interesting part..."

-

"--oh, thank you..."

Just then, the Producers came over to us; we had been given our first 'mission.'

"Yesss! Our first sortie." " Riiight... 'You will now do that which Erusea and ISAF could not: Defend a nigh-impregnable facility...?' "

"...Defend?"
" '...at twelve hundred hours--' Oooh, I like that, makes it sound official... 'a group of nine unmanned aircraft will approach Istas Fortress. You will have to prevent them from coming within range to strike Scion Air Base.' ...LAGM range, probably. That's, what... sixteen thousand?" "Thereabouts."

" '...Points will be awarded for each target hit, but...' hmm. 'but ONE target will be worth substantially more.' "

"Right, now, you're SURE the war hasn't started yet?"

-
Richard, however, was too eager thinking about explosions to worry about a little detail like war crimes.

"HAH! An air-to-air mission! Gentlemen-- if you need me, I'll be polishing my Tomcat's claws."

"... polishing its claws--" "Jeremy." "--James." "You wouldn't happen to know how to disable an IFF, would you?" "Pfffhahaa..."

And so, at a quarter to twelve... hundred hours, with the planes refueled and rearmed, we took to the sky.

-

(H:) "I'm excited. The F-14A is a purebred fighter, through and through. This sort of long-range air superiority warfare is what put it on the map in the first place-- and if we're trying to prevent the Drones from approaching, the XLAAs are just the right tools for the job. They'll be scrapped before the other two will have even spied them on radar."

(M:) "I've got them on Radar!"

(H:) "--oh-- bloody hell, how do I move the wings back--"

(C, Narrating:) I, meanwhile, had already begun my courageous frontal assault.

(C:) "HIT THE AFTERBURNEEERS! Come onnnn, Tornado! Aim for the front air intake!"

-

(C, Narrating:) And as a result... I drew first blood.

(C:) "HA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The shot heard 'round the world!"

(H:) "GodDAMMIT, you fucking Orangutan, now you've scattered them!"

-

(M:) "What Blockhead 1 and Blockhead 2 failed to understand is that modern drones do not just single-mindedly fly to their target in a straight line like... well, like Clarkson over there. They respond to the presence of enemy aircraft, and ESPECIALLY the radar spike of a missile lock.

What I've done, viewer, is I've gone around to their flank; and now that Jezza's broken their formation, they've flown straightaway into my net.

Fox two!"

-

(M:) "Wait, no-- bollocks!!"

-

(C, Narrating:) But as we slowly--

(M:) "Come ooon comeoncomeon--PAH, miss!! How did that MISS?!"

(C, Narrating:) --VERY slowly started to thin their numbers, Hammond had noticed something a little bit... strange.

(H:) "Hold on, is there another Tomcat out here?"

(C, Narrating:) Indeed there was. And according to the IFF...

(H:) "What is-- no-- holy shit, is that the special UAV?!"