idoitbetter

	Dude… you’re staring.

	Quit it - it’s creepy.

	Oh - are you bothered by the fact that I’ve been sitting here on this barstool all night with my hand on my girlfriend’s - sorry, your EX girlfriend’s - thigh?

	Yeah, she went off to powder her nose, she’ll be back in a few minutes.

	No need to pout like that, buddy… I mean, yeah, it sucks that she dumped you, but… can you really blame her?

	I mean, look at you - just another dude, in flipflops & denim cut offs, a tank top to show off those muscles you worked SO HARD for at the gym, & your perfectly cut hair, & your jawline that you could strike a match off of?

	There’s half a million of you chucklefucks around town.

	You can offer her maybe fifteen minutes of half decent cunnilingus, then [imitating a dude fucking someone] “uh uh uh oh baby, let me cum in you, baby!” & rolling over to sleep.

	You’ll drag her along to your football game or your frat party, & you’ll ignore her to chat with your bros.

	Oh, you’re gonna insult my appearance? Really?

	You’re gonna go down that road, when those pretty thighs of hers were wrapped around my face not even half an hour ago?

	[quieter, as if you’re leaning in to whisper]

	If you come close enough, you might still smell her pussy on my breath.

	Oh, she didn’t like having her pussy eaten when you were together, because “It was too much hassle”?

	I’m sorry, bud, but she cums in less than five minutes when it’s MY tongue on her clit, or my fingers in her cunt.

	So yeah - maybe I’m not exactly a fuckin’ swimsuit model, but somehow, I wake up with her in bed next to me every night.

	Because… let’s face it.

	I do it better than you do.

	I can wear a pair of pants with more swagger, I can wield a cock with more finesse, I can suck a clit with more skill, & I can beat the shit out of you faster than you ever will.

	She told me how you refused to use any kind of toy on her, & how all you had to give was the thing between your legs.

	Buddy, pal, friend… I’ve got a chest full of toys.

	Dicks of every size & shape imaginable, & some that aren’t. I’ve got things that buzz, things that thrust, things that zap….

	She lets me do her in the ass.

	Oh, look at your face getting red - did she never let you do that? Have you never heard that adorable little [put on moan] “mmmm” she does, when you first breech her asshole & slide it in so slow & good?

	Or how about that soft little whine, when you’ve made her cum five times, & she’s thinking about that sixth one, but isn’t so sure, until your whole face is pressed into her pussy, & you’re sucking on her clit, & fucking her sweet hole with your tongue?

	She said that I was the first one to fuck her mascara off of her, can you believe it? All of that time with you & all your billions of clones wandering around like roided up penguins, & *I* was the first one to fuck her so good her false eyelashes came off.

	No, she doesn’t care that I don’t have a real cock.

	Why would she care about that, when I’ve got a face that I’ll let her sit on, if she just bats her eyelashes?

	I know she’s never been so fucked out that she was ugly, to you - when her face is red & tears are running down her face, & she can’t catch her breath, & she’s so sweaty she’s left a wet spot… to say nothing of the wet spot on the bed, from her squirt & her creamy, desperate pussy….

	I know she never cried around you - she never wanted to be ugly around you.

	She’s okay being ugly around me, because she knows I’ll adore her.

	She knows that if she asks me at two in the morning for specialty chocolate from the one twenty four hour bodega down the street, I’ll have my boots on before she’s finished the sentence. She said you wouldn’t even get her tampons from the Walmart.

	She knows I’ll fuck her on her period, I’ll cook her dinner, I’ll watch her favorite movies, I’ll do ANYTHING that makes her happy, because anything that makes her happy makes ME happy.

	Just… face it, bro.

	I do it better, & I’m gonna keep doing it better - she knows that, & I know that, & you know it.

	So get with the program & get over yourself - quit giving me those desperate puppy dog eyes. It’s honestly kinda pathetic.

	[different tone of voice - aforementioned girlfriend is coming over]

	Hey babe! Yeah, no, we’ve met before.

	We were just talking about stuff. So how was the bathroom?

	Line not too long?

	[loud smooch]

	Of course, babe. I’ll be right back to get your drink….

	Why don’t you two catch up?