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Friends are Useless (Gilda)

HolytntDiver Jun 13th, 2018 (edited) 59 Never
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  1.  
  2. It was a long way down. The wind through the abyss howled and whipped up through Gilda's feathers, testing her the grip of her talons against the edge. It was so strong, even from the top, that the air cut right through her thick layer of fur, giving her a deep chill that pushed her close to a shiver. She didn't mind anymore; she did this every day.
  3.  
  4. Perched on the edge, she looked over the side and flicked a few rocks into the abyss below. There was no sign of a bottom, just that gradual descent into black that ate up every little bit of light that dared peek into it. Every pebble that descended into the depths only grew darker and darker until Gilda could no longer see the dull rocks bouncing off of the cliffs anymore. Her eyes stared down into that abyss, knowing that nothing that ever fell down into that hole was ever coming back. Not even the strongest flyers could fight that kind of wind.
  5.  
  6. She sighed. Maybe today would finally be the day, she thought. She'd sat at the edge of this cliff almost every day since she left Ponyville, hoping she could finally just let go.
  7.  
  8. Ponyville. Even the thought put a bad taste in her mouth. A scowl crept its way onto her beak just thinking about it. A bunch of stupid, colorful ponies with nothing to offer the world but a sickening attitude of constant sunshine and Rainbows. Their happiness made her sick, it made her angry. Gilda clenched her teeth as she thought about that stupid place.
  9.  
  10. Why did they get to be so happy? It wasn't right. Her entire life she'd been worthless to every other griffon in the kingdom unless she had the bits. She had to fight claw and talon for everything she'd ever gotten in life and no one was ever there to help her, and then she goes to Ponyville and every single pony and their dog wanted to be friends. It was unnatural. How were friendships supposed to mean anything when you were friends with literally every one? Gilda knew all those ponies must've really just been hollow inside; smiling at each other out of some form of duty to keep up the charade that they actually liked everyone else. They had to be. Constantly blinded with color and being annoyed by every pony in town must've driven them all mad. There was no other explanation.
  11.  
  12. Gilda's violet-tipped feathers continued to whip around her face, the little stings of the impacts only pushing her closer to anger. She looked away from the gorge as her own thoughts tormented her again. It was going to be like every other day. You aren't going to be able to do it, you weakling, she told herself. Seriously pathetic. All she had to do was just let go. It wasn't that hard. None of the other griffons she knew would have a problem doing this, so why is she? Gilda let out a grunt, digging her talons into the dirt around her as the self-hatred inside of her grew. All she could think about was that stupid town and those stupid ponies. Her eyes drifted away from the gorge to the indigo sky around her, little stars poking through as the setting sun left the last of the day's warmth on her back
  13.  
  14. Remembering that pink pony was the worst. Those stupid, cheerful blue eyes staring at her with that awful smile on her face. A pony that could be friends with the entire village and still tries to make friends with everyone else she meets? She pitied her, knowing how empty inside she must really be. How few friends she probably really had if she had to make time for so many different ponies. Trying to keep up all those fake friendships just for some stupid sense of duty to the charade. What a sad existence, she thought. Gilda was better than that. She had to be. She couldn't have survived this long otherwise.
  15.  
  16. After all, everyone in the griffon kingdom knew that friends were only liabilities. Not knowing the "virtue" of generosity was a luxury they were proud of. Having friends just held you back in life. You can't prove that you're better while you're lugging around someone else, you can't get ahead in life if you're constantly worried about another thing. Caring made you weak and everyone knew it. Friends are just like pets, Gilda thought, completely useless wastes of time and space that were for those who didn't have the mental fortitude to stand up on their own. Who needed some dumb animal to make their day better? It was just another sign of weakness; it was obvious to anyone with half a brain.
  17.  
  18. Gilda closed her eyes tightly, letting another frustrated grunt through her gritted beak. That was why she was weak. She could feel the tiny prick of the piece of laminated paper under wing. She hated herself for carrying that stupid thing around. She reached a hand under her wing, and pulled out the picture she'd stuck there.
  19.  
  20. It was from Junior Speedsters Flight Camp. Gilda had her arm around Rainbow and both of them had big, goofy smiles on their faces. Gilda tightened her jaw and dug her other hand even deeper into the dirt at the sight. How could she let herself be so stupid and allow some pony into her life? She gripped the picture tightly in her hand, the flimsy material dancing wildly in the intense winds. Her talons could shred the picture instantly, letting the little shreds of her past finally fall away, but instead she held it like an injured bird in her hand, careful not to even scratch it. She looked over that pony in her arms, the hate rising up in her yet again. Why did she let herself care? Why couldn't she just tell Rainbow Dash to leave her alone when she had the chance? Why did she feel like she needed someone else in her life? No one else she knew did. She didn't really need friends. Friends were useless.
  21.  
  22. Gilda let her limbs rest as she lowered herself into the green grass around her. The hate inside her simmered down into regret. Regret for not letting go of this stupid friend when she didn't care so much. Regret for not being able to just do what she came here every day to do already. Gilda closed her eyes tightly. She could do it today. She could finally let go.
  23.  
  24. Gilda held out that dumb little picture. It whipped around in the wind as her hand stretched out over the abyss. Just let it go; that's all she had to do. Just let it slip out of her talons and fly away, never to be seen again. Gilda told herself she never wanted to see Rainbow Dash again. This was the only way; just let go of that stupid picture already, she yelled at herself. All she had to do was just lift her talons away. Barely any effort at all and it would be gone forever.
  25.  
  26. She looked out at the picture in her arm, the sun behind her blurring the laminated scene in a dull yellow. Just let it go, Gilda told herself. It's the only way to forget about it forever. Gilda's forearm muscles clenched tightly and she could feel the muscles in her chest following suit. The longer she held the picture out the more it whipped around in the wind, ready to fly away.
  27.  
  28. But Gilda couldn't do it. She let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding as she brought the picture in close to her and relaxing her tensed muscles. Gilda held it against her chest like it was a childhood toy she was afraid she might lose in a crowd. She shut her eyes tightly and was helpless as another grunt of frustration turned into a pained yell that overpowered the wind and echoed around the abyss below her.
  29.  
  30. Why? Gilda asked herself. It's over. Why can't I just let go? Gilda took a few steps away from the gorge. It wouldn't be today. As much as she knew she should just toss this stupid picture as hard as she could into that abyss, it wasn't going to happen. Just like every other day.
  31.  
  32. She turned away from the abyss towards the Sunset. She didn't want to have to face her constant failure any longer. The chill of the wind behind her slowly faded as the orange glow of the sun fell onto her feathers instead. Gilda set her gaze down onto the picture again. She wanted to be angry. She remembered every second of that stupid party and all those stupid ponies and them telling her to get out, every word that came out of Rainbow's mouth before they parted ways. She wanted to hate Rainbow Dash for betraying her like that for a bunch of losers. Nothing in the world would have satisfied her more than to write off her former best friend as not worth the time and never think about her again.
  33.  
  34. But Gilda couldn't do that. Every time she looked down at her picture all the memories flooded back in. All the smiles and laughs she shared with Rainbow at flight camp would bring that bittersweet smile back onto her face. She would give anything to be back there with her again. Just another few days of being a kid again at flight camp with Rainbow would make her the happiest griffon in the entire kingdom.
  35.  
  36. Gilda stuffed the picture back under her wing, wondering why she had to be like this. All the other griffons didn't need friends; they all went on with their lives completely alone and lived just fine.
  37.  
  38. That familiar pressure built up inside Gilda's chest again. Just another reason to hate herself for being so weak. Everyone else went on just fine, and here she was about to cry again. The lump in her throat grew larger by the second as all she could think about were the good times with a friend she missed more than anything, and how worthless and weak she was for even caring in the first place.
  39.  
  40. When she felt the first tear run down her cheek, she clenched her fists hard. So hard she could feel her talons digging into her hand. She didn't care as the pain radiated through her arms. She deserved so much worse than that. Gilda fought to choke down the coming sobs as her mind ran through this awful daily routine. After all of the fond memories came flooding in, all she could think about was the end. How all those wonderful times were never coming back, and even if she wanted to try to apologize, Rainbow would never want to speak to her again. The best thing that'd happened to her life had shut her out, and it was all her fault.
  41.  
  42. Gilda couldn't help but let it out now. She made sure to spit venom and vitriol at anyone even looking at her wrong, but now she let herself be reduced to some babbling hatchling that couldn't even keep herself from crying. It was pathetic, and the only saving grace was that she was so far away from town that no one else could see.
  43.  
  44. Gilda opened up her hands and looked down at them. Little streaks of red ran down her arms where her talons had cut her open. She didn't care. She wished it was worse, really. Who would miss her if some random cut turned into an infection that killed her? Griffonstone would be out one less pathetic griffon. The species as a whole would be better off without her, she thought.
  45.  
  46. Gilda let her hands fall back to the grass, the cuts stinging as the little blades brushed up against them. It was nothing, nothing compared to the pain she felt on that flight back from Ponyville. The scar that losing Rainbow cut into her would never heal. It might have been easier if she was the one who told Rainbow to buzz off. If she'd come to her senses and just cut her friend off, since she knew she was weak for having one anyway, but that's not how things ended up.
  47.  
  48. If only she was different. Maybe if she were born as a pony this wouldn't have happened, or maybe if she'd just sucked it up and was nice to all those dumb ponies instead. Maybe this, maybe that, and she could've still kept her friend. None of the other griffons could know. It's not like Rainbow ever came to visit her here anyway. It was useless to think about now. Her best friend was gone forever, probably hated her now. There was no getting it back, no turning back the past and fixing herself so Rainbow would still be around now. She knew she was weak for even thinking about it anyway.
  49.  
  50. Gilda took a deep breath and wiped away the tears streaming down her face. She brushed the blood off of her arms on the white plumage around her neck and decided to finally walk back into town, that little picture eating at her from under her wing, nagging at her about how she was still too weak to do it.
  51.  
  52. Gilda sighed as she thought about going home again to her messy straw bed and laying awake, angry at herself for not being able to just throw this stupid picture away again. She sighed at the thought of another day of selling those stupid scones to a bunch of griffons who didn't even really want them, standing all day in front of that stupid stand having to watch as so many of them just passed her by, not caring that she even existed. More than anything though, Gilda lamented having to spend another day without a best friend in her life.
  53.  
  54. Maybe tomorrow, she thought.
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