Jump 118: Stargate SG-1

Jump #118: Stargate SG-1
>Ten of Wands, reversed (Refusing to take on burdens greater than you can carry.)
An important part of this particular setting is humanity learning to assume its place on the galactic stage, just too bad that it takes so long for them to do so. Wouldn't be right if I interfered. Too much.
Then again, isn't that half the fun?
>Age: 200
>Location: Jack's Closet
>Identity: Drop-In, Goa'uld (-200)
>Drawbacks: Jack's Closet (0), Trust Issues (+200)
>Round Telephone, Unleash the Snark, Toxicology Reports (Free)
>Theoretical Astrophysicist (Free, Drop-In)
...I said I had a theoretical degree in physics...
>Dead Men Tell Takes (900)
I can literally speak to the dead, but I don't think I can actually learn languages that way.
>Is This The Face Of Crazy? (800)
Yes. Yes it is. And that makes it worse, because crazy won't use common sense to avoid carrying out threats.
>Structural Analysis (500)
More abilities that let me analyze ancient ruins are definitely helpful, especially in a place like THIS.
>Remember The Time You Blew Up A Sun? (200)
WHO TOLD YOU- oh, you mean YOU blew up a sun. Honestly that's more impressive than me doing it.
>Ma'Tok Staff Weapon (Free, Goa'uld)
>Stargate Dialer (0)
God knows there are enough places that don't have a DHD. This'll deal with THAT problem.

Why am I in a closet?
>Well, you know what they say, don't ask, don't tell.
... please tell me you are not secretly Angus MacGuyver. On second thought, no, I don't want to know.
>So... just in the neighborhood and felt like dropping by?
Yeah. Something like that. I don't suppose you'd be generous enough to let me enjoy a cold beer while you call General Hammond, would you?
>Why would I be calling some general?
Because I'm a symbiote wrapped around the spinal column of a brain-dead human clone.
>You... what.
Snake bad. Clone good. Lights are on but nobody's home. Not that anyone else would stoop to that, but that's because goa'uld are mostly nuts. I think you'd agree.

So that happened. I was poked, prodded, interrogated, MRI'd, voluntarily vacated my host so they could confirm it was braindead, managed to avoid no less than two attempts to kill me and one to abduct me during that period, and communicated in Morse code to pass along what happened before I got back into the body. But at least I got a cold beer.

Genetic memory is a funny thing. Turns out I can pretty much write out manuals on how to use all the goa'uld tech out there, even if I can't directly recreate it from scratch, so I did so and gave those to the SGC. I cited the prime directive and didn't give any advanced tech directly - that is, barring a knock-off copy of the stargate dialer, with advice to ensure its capacitors are charged and able to supply 1.21 gigawatts of energy in case it needs to power the gate itself - and instead decided to fuck off and explore the galaxy on my own terms after being on Earth for a good ten months or so.

Honestly, most of what I did involved knocking the tok'ra down a peg while helping them (because, despite being against the system lords, they are NOT nice people, they're just SLIGHTLY less crazy), and otherwise cataloging artifacts from the Ancients and passing finding along to SGC. I promised them I'd do that as long as they would do the same for me, after all, and considering what I have at my disposal, I ended up finding more than they did.

And then the Ori came along. Oh, the Ori. I tried to let the Stargate guys handle it on their own, I really did, but they came along claiming to be gods and imposing their will on everyone and I just could not resist going up to them and going 'let me show you what godhood is'. A few dozen liberated worlds later, and I'd gained enough information from skirmishing with them to use soul magic to trap the assholes, and proceed to forcibly drain them of all power before granting the Emperor's Mercy to their now-mortal forms.

The ascended Ancients were NOT happy with me when all of that happened, but then, they weren't happy with me as a general rule. Since they weren't stupid enough to channel themselves through mortals in order to interfere with things, I didn't have a direct route to do anything and I would have actually had to expend effort if I wanted to do anything more than screw with them. Then again, having tools to communicate to deities means I was communicating with them the whole time, as they're the closest thing that exists in the setting to gods. They were rather confused, before they realized I was actively trolling them for months on end.

Also, because I'm a nice guy, I helped the Asgard out with their little problem. It was interesting. Of course Loki was the only one who would even give me the barest hint of trust, but hey, I've worked under worse means. Preventing the extinction of an entire race is always nice. And it means they were able to focus a bit better on the whole fight-the-replicators-or-everything-dies scenario, though apparently for reasons of plot it STILL came down to Sam Carter saving the day during some season finale.

TV show logic. Go figure.