The LawnGnome Shop

The LawnGnome Shop. 2017/11/28 01:08AM

The little bronze bell attached to the door of the shop rang. She lifted her head and straightened up, the sound alerting her to her first potential customer all day.

“Hello may I help you?”  She asked with a sweet smile, that immediately fell when she realised the race of her would be patron; A Gnome.

She resumed her smile but this time it was forced and showed a bit more teeth than her formerly genuine one.

Gnomes never bought anything but trouble.

Dressed with a red cap, a blue shirt and white trousers with black suspenders he waddled up to her wooden counter.

“Hmph!” The little white bearded fellow snorted not quite reaching the counter top.

“Distasteful!” he growled with black colourless eyes staring venom at her from just over the edge of the counter.

“E-Excuse me?” She asked flustered. She knew what he meant but she was always nervous whenever it happens.

“Your displays. They are an insult to me, an insult to my race and an insult to any craftsman worth their salt!” He shouted at her, spittle flying all across the counter’s side. If he had been a tad taller his spit would have painted her face, luckily she would only have to wipe down her counter later.

“What do you mean? What’s wrong with them?” She asked as politely as possible with her fake smile. She already knew what it was he thought wrong with them.

“They are the most fake looking Gnomes I have ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes upon. Firstly they are too small, secondly their beards are too short; even gnome children have thicker scruff on their chins. Thirdly their noses are too long and too round; I know what you humans define as beautiful and what you see as mockery! And Finally! The paint and quality of the material used is just terrible, simply put, cheap and disgusting. If I had half a mind to, I would smell them and bet that I would smell the faeces you excused for clay along with piss poor paint!” The gnome said with his big nose and face as red and as mock worthy as the display figures he had so much a problem with.

Her smile grew a little wider as she resisted the urge to grind her teeth. Like her Teeth she had inherited the store from her father and him from his father and so on and so forth. Gnome making was a family tradition. It was in her blood.

“The gnomes are fine.” She insisted still trying to remain polite.

“The gnomes are fine? Preposterous! Any Gnome with half a mind must have had complaints about this! I’m surely not the first. The King, long may he reign has decreed all races equal and any mockery of any other race a punishment with the Black Cells!” He said with his face still as red as his pointy hat with anger.

“I’ve had other complaints but they were dealt with.”  She said feeling her jaw moving on it’s own. Her teeth grinding against themselves.

“Dealt with? Other Gnomes!?” He asked sounding exasperated.

“Yes, The King, long may he reign decreed that any MOCKERY be punished with a black cell. But my lawngnomes are not made to mock any!”

“Lawngnomes!?” The little Gnome jumped up, reached onto the counter’s edge and lifted himself up.

And so it began, truly began.

“LawnGnomes!? I thought they were statues, figures glorifying the small but proud race! But no! We are not even worthy for the human household!? You would have us decorate your LAWNS!! If you thought there was any chance of me leaving this be, then forget it! You are not just insulting me but my entire race and all it’s rich and proud history!” He shouted, spittle marking itself on her face, luckily she had stopped smiling just in time to close her mouth and prevent getting any Gnome gob in her mouth.

The thought made her cringe.

“I DEMAND COMPENSATION!!.” He finally managed to shout out at the top of his lungs.

Luckily her store was on a small road not large enough to drive 2 carts through side by side. It was mostly deserted by this time of day. The Gnome fully crawled onto the counter and was standing face to face with her now.

She sighed.

“Are you sure we cannot come to a better understanding?” She asked.

“The only kind of understanding we can have is one where you pay for your mockery of the Gnomish Race one way or the other!

“10 pieces” He said.

“Silver!?” She asked exasperated.

“GOLD.” he corrected waving a tiny finger at her.

“10 gold pieces!? B-But that’s more than I have on me right now!” She said

“Fine pay me 5 pieces now and the rest by tomorrow. Next week hopefully you’ll have the next 10 pieces ready.”

“Next week!?” She asked. She had never met such a greedy gnome before.

“Next week! Or I’ll have you in the black cells before you can blink!” He said.

“Bu-”

“NO Buts! 5 Gold or I’ll find a guardsman right now and you’ll be in the darkest of cells before last light today!” He shouted spitting all over her.

She bit her lip while little drops ran down her face. She hated confrontation and ever since she had taken over the shop from her father more and more gnomes had tried bullying her.

“W-Wait right here. I need to goto the safe in the backroom. It will only be a moment.”
The gnome grinned showing missing teeth.

“Fine,go now.” He said and sat down crosslegged ontop of her counter. “I’ll wait”

She opened the door to the backroom closing it behind her, leaving the gnome on the counter alone.

The gnome sat, patiently waiting for his free handout.

Except he wasn’t patient. The shopkeeper was taking too long. He wondered if he had said 10 too soon. She had accepted it much quicker than some other shopkeepers. He thought perhaps he could have gotten 15... perhaps 20 if he had pushed a little more. She was a soft one.

He licked his lips. Oh well, 10 gold a week for nothing on top of the other shops weekly due was easy money. And he liked easy.

He began whistling a tune through the gaps in his teeth. They had fetched him a pretty coin too. He had only to blame the town drunk for his rotten teeth falling out and the guards had thrown him in the town jail just about as fast as you can say ‘he hit me’.

He had demanded compensation of course and the mayor was more than willing to sweep the little misunderstanding under the rug. Who would want to risk the Black Cells with the King, long may he reign’s new laws on racial equality? God Bless The King!

The stupid wench was taking too long. How difficult was it to count 5 gold pieces..? unless they were silver, then she would have to count...50 silver pieces! But that surely couldn’t take..What if they were bronze.?.500 bronze pieces. Imagine lugging around a bag of...Oh God she better at least have a bag for him, for if he had to carry 500 bronze pieces in his tiny trousers they would bloat his pockets like pregnant rabbits and that would look ridiculous!

He looked around the shop. It was clean and in good condition. Strange for shops in this part of town. Most were barely standing upright and had more dust than floor. Her shop was in pristine condition with expensive stained glass windows, a welcome mat outside and even a shiny doorbell with very little dents and scratches. It was almost like a brass mirror.. Surely LawnGnomes didn’t sell that well? Should have asked for 15. Damn humans profiting off his race. Should have asked for 20.

Patience completely worn out from waiting for so long he hopped off the counter and walked up to the backroom door. He pressed his ear against the wood to hear if she was counting aloud... There was nothing but silence.

He stood on his tippy toes and peered through the keyhole...There was nothing but darkness.

He muttered “Damn that girl making me wait so long.” and slowly turned the doorknob.

The room was pitchblack even with the little light that crept in. He took a step forward into the darkness. Not 3 steps in something heavy fell on him and he collapsed under the weight of it; he couldn’t get off the floor. A NET! He tried to scream but the second he opened his mouth to let the scream out he felt it gagged with an old cloth. The gag was tied behind his head, and his arms and legs were constrained with ropes biting deep into his flesh. The net was lifted off him.

“Silly Gnome. Impatient Gnome. GREEDY GNOME.” He heard the voice of the shopkeeper.

He stifled a scream. He couldn’t see anything in the dark and then he did. White teeth shining in the darkness, a grin wide as the crescent moon, ear to ear. Facing him in the darkness.

He tried to scream again.

The door closed behind him and what little light that reflected off her shining teeth was cut off and uninterrupted darkness returned to the room.

Then he heard something scrapping, then sparks. Then he saw the roar of a flame coming to life in the form of a tiny matchstick. The little flame moved and connected with the wick of a lantern.

She grinned at him as the light reflected off her teeth. Human teeth but that did nothing to lessen his fears..

He then finally saw what the light had illumed besides the shopkeep’s terrifying smile. All around the room there were tiny figures standing stiff or hung from the roof in groups. LawnGnomes. Except. These lawngnomes were different from the ones she had on display outside her shop.

These Lawngnomes were real!

He screamed as hard as he could and convulsed on the floor shaking to break free from his restraints.

“Oh no you don’t!” She jolted forward to kick him in his chest. The tip of her shoe might as well had been a war hammer to his tiny torso, all the air left his lungs and every breath he took after felt like sucking in pain. He struggled to breath and the gag didn’t help.

He passed out.

When he awoke. He was standing upright, there was no gag in his mouth and he wasn’t tied up..But he couldn’t move at all. The shopkeeper was kneeling down to look at him in the eyes.

“Are you finally awake?” She asked with her wide smile.

“Admire the collection.  A tad too distasteful for your liking, gnome? In the least you can admit they aren’t fake at all. 100% Genuine lawnGNOMES.” She giggled, he wanted to scream but nothing not even his lips would move.

She began lightly tugging his beard.

“The ones on display outside? A lure. Damn fine ones too if you hadn’t noticed all your kinsman about. Nobody buys lawnGnomes. No. But petrified gnomes? Oh yes. The easiest way to traffic slaves is in the guise of statues... And gnomes? Well some do like the idea of real living gnomes decorating their gardens. A thing of dominance I suppose. But worry not. I shall make it so you are too valuable to leave in the garden. No little greedy gnome. I shall make you worthy of being a decoration for a king.”

She smoothed his beard and pulled a bucket closer next to her. It was filled with paint. She dipped her brush into the bucket and pulled it out, Gold shone in the candlelight as she began brushing her Greedy Little Gnome.

She closed his eyes with her fingers and painted over his eyelids, she painted his hat and soaked his shirt.

Petrification meant no breathing, but no need for it, no eating and no need for it. No excreting and no need for it, however if you were petrified in the moment you needed any such thing, then it was a need never to be fulfilled. This poor gnome and many like him in the room needed ever so badly to release themselves but never to do so.

“A nice Golden Greedy Gnome. Real Gold too mind you. Will raise your price quite a bit on the black market. I will sell you off as the trapped soul of greed. A lucky trinket to bring wealth to any who possess you.” She paused to smile.

“Or in the least bring me wealth from any fool who would believe such things. The price for non humans in such states has only been increased since the Equality Laws were placed by our sweet Dear King, long may he reign.”

“For any Black Cell you and yours have threatened me with I have delivered your compensation. Life immortal, Life never ending. Much better than you deserve.”

She walked to the door opened it and blew out her lantern. She turned around to face him.

“I must go now and leave you to dry. Worry not, little greedy gnome, soon I will return for you when I have a buyer, but for now, Enjoy your Black Cell.”

She closed the door to the backroom behind her.

As she got to her counter, the door bell rang and she lowered her grin into a sweet welcoming smile.

“God Bless The King, long may he reign.” She whispered to herself.