top ten moments of 2013

1. we're in new york, which is exciting and new to you, and we're staying at the apartment of a friend of a friend while they're out of town. we call a pizza place and order a veggie pizza with lots of garlic. i make you change into a schoolgirl seifuku, then i tie you up, choke you, throw you onto a stranger's bed and fuck you. immediately after you come, the doorbell rings. it's pizza time.

2. you're sharing my bed. you're wearing a plastic mask with tubes plugged into it because you can't breathe while you sleep. we talk and it's like we've known each other for ages. you take the mask off so we can cuddle. the next day we fuck, which gets me in trouble with my partner. this is the casual teen romance i was never given the chance to have, and i never get to tell you how important it is to me.

3. we're in detroit for a conference, staying in a shitty college dorm room. i tell you something i've never told anyone, about the first trans person i ever knew. earlier that evening someone hurts you. but you come home to me, and i hold you, and we play, and as we're lying in a bed that's too small for the both of us, i realize that our relationship isn't just something you do on vacation. we're girlfriends.

4. all day long i'm psyching myself to telling you your grandson is actually your granddaughter. i'm terrified. when i meet you outside you tell me that from a distance "i thought you were a girl!" after dinner i finally work up to telling you. "so what's the big deal?" you say. the next day you call me "anna" and adjust the belt on my dress before i go out.

5. i'm dating your partner, though maybe you'd prefer i was dating you. we drive out to a landfill in the middle of the ocean, and i can't remember if i locked my car door. you offer to go check, and i say i'll go. you smile at me and i race you. i race you all the way back to the car and i win. (my door is locked after all.) "i can't remember the last time i saw you run like that," my other partner says.

6. at a videogame conference for queers in san francisco. as i leave an autograph session you chase me into the hotel lobby and ask me to sell you a porn zine. you're adorned in rainbows and spikes. we have to get change from the front desk. i do not understand the significance of this moment at the time. it will be months before i talk to you again, before we start dating.

7. it's the worst night of my life, and you take me out in your car to drive around and talk. you show me your dad's old house and the taqueria you used to go to when you would stay with him. on the way back home, i remember for the first time in years that rainbow sherbet exists, and you take me to the supermarket so i can buy a tub of it. it lasts me months.

8. i just broke up with my partner of several years, and i'm on my way to sleep over at a friend's house. you come up to me at the bart station, asking directions, and soon we're talking. you're a scruffy queer. we talk all the way to my stop. on the street a block from my friend's house, you ask for my email address. i write it on a zine and give it to you. i never hear from you again.

9. on the train, i notice you staring at me out of the corner of my eye. i'm used to getting looks from people. but i glance at you while you're looking away, and - are you trans too? we spend the rest of the ride stealing glances. then, on your way off the train, you stop and give me the biggest smile i've ever seen in my life. i have to blush and look away, it's so bright. and i feel less alone.

10. toronto. we're about to part ways - you to your mother's house in hamilton, me to take a greyhound back to the states. it's early morning, the sun won't be up for another hour, and it's freezing cold. you hug me long and tight, and it reminds me of that first big hug you gave me in my apartment, the first time you left, before i realized this was a relationship, and i was stunned by how firm, how deeply felt your hug was. we walk in opposite directions, and i love you so, so much.