Jaaster/Waku - A+ Waku

Jaaster Taras turns to Xiaohu and waves. "Good to see you 'gain, Xia...Xiaooo...friend. The drink was real good."
Cao Xiaohu shifts her head towards the side and gives Jaaster a sincere, lopsided, smile. "It's always good to see you too, Jaaster. I appreciate that you appreciated it. Drink some more water before you go to sleep tonight, yeah?"
Jaaster Taras looks over at Oosra and visibly tries to be Very Serious. "Mister Oosra, you seem like a great hunter. Good luck at the Qui'sand, with your looking and your fisting and your...yeah."
Oosra Udunir: "Or do not. Test your resolve."
Waku Motohama manages to keep her expression perfectly, absolutely neutral. It is a miraculous feat of self-control. "Will do. You're always a delight, Miss Xiaohu, and it was a pleasure to meet you Mister Oosra of the  Runner."
Waku Motohama CONTINUES MAINTAINING HER NEUTRALITY, very gently taking Jaaster's sleeve in her hand. "Let's go for that walk, shall we?"
Jaaster Taras turns back to Kowa. "Thanks for the food. Was real good. G'night." He looks back at  Waku. "Okay, Imma walk now."
Oosra Udunir canted his head. "Fist...ing?" He then offered a nod to Waku. "It was not an unpleasant experience meeting you."
Kowa Brimaine: "You do that," she replies, seeing them off with a wave before standing to begin gathering bowls.
Jaaster Taras stretches.
Waku Motohama: Anywhere you enjoy going in this district, Mister Jaaster? Or do you just want to stroll in the garden?
Jaaster Taras stops just after heading outside and enjoys the night air, stretching in place as he does. Looking down toward Waku. "I, uh...I don't think I need a walk, after all. I'm feeling a little better just being outside. Maybe a seat over by the fire, though?"
Waku Motohama gives him a nod. "By all means. I'm a firm believer in the benefits of a good fire-pit and a lovely night sky."
Waku Motohama passes the glass of water over to him - the one she'd picked up earlier from the table. "Drink up. Hydrate-don't-diedrate, and all that."
Jaaster Taras accepts the glass with a nod of thanks and takes a drink. Wiping his mouth with his sleeve, he looks at the fire for a few moments. "...sorry about that. In there, I mean. I didn't mean to...say what I said like that."
Waku Motohama lets out a soft laugh, though it still maintains its insufferable cheer. "Oh, you've nothing to apologize for. Honestly. I'll listen, though - if you wanted to talk about it. You don't have to worry about 'polite company' around me. I mean..."
Waku Motohama shrugs. "Honestly, I'd been kind of worried about asking for your help on cases because of the grotesque subject matter. It's my job."
Jaaster Taras bites his lip, but then he shrugs and nods. "Okay. Couldn't hurt, I guess." He takes a deep breath, then exhales.
Jaaster Taras: "All the forms and reports, and all the studying and research and stuff...that's not what's bothering me. I mean, it bothers me, sure, 'cause it's boring and I'd rather be training or running with the hounds, but...that's not the problem. Not really."
Waku Motohama settles in, looking up at him as she listens attentively to as much or as little he wants to share.
Jaaster Taras: "...I mentioned earlier that we had a job where we got ambushed? Well, I talked about getting outclassed and hurt, but...other people got hurt, too." Jaaster's fists clench as he continues staring at the fire. "They got hurt because of mistakes I made."
Jaaster Taras sighs heavily. "And then, before I was even healed up, Mill came to me and offered me Otolin's old job. Director of the Operatives."
Waku Motohama: And you feel like you have to work as hard as possible to turn yourself into a person who can fill that role? Because you don't feel like you have another option?
Waku Motohama: ...Because you have to, even though you feel like a person who is going to make more mistakes?
Jaaster Taras: "I...maybe? I don't know." He shakes his head. "I've been running around trying to make sure something like that ambush doesn't happen again. 'Cause we'll be ready next time. Everybody's gonna get looked at by the healers. Everyone on a job will know each other and their skills. A dozen other things we didn't have before. But...I don't know."
Jaaster Taras finally makes eye contact with Waku once more. "These people took a chance on me. I owe it to them to make things better. To keep them safe." The next words catch in his throat, forcing him to clear it. "But I don't know if I can."
Waku Motohama: It made you feel powerless - the ambush. Watching those you care about get hurt. Like it was your fault, and you're doing all these things to gain some feeling of control. But nothing feels like enough, like you can really protect them. It all feels uncertain. ...Is that right?
Jaaster Taras starts to respond, but the words catch once more. This time, he chooses to nod silently.
Waku Motohama pauses for a moment, choosing her words - then... "Right now. What are you feeling? I won't judge you, whatever it is."
Jaaster Taras turns to watch the fire once more as he takes stock for several moments, then looks back to Waku. "I'm angry. At the bandits. At the people who put that caravan together." He breaks eye contact for a moment. "A little bit at you, actually, for asking. I'm sorry about that." He shakes his head. "Mostly at me, though."
Waku Motohama smiles. "Emotions aren't easy. I'm not upset that you're angry at me." Then, "Working as hard as you have been... does it help with that anger?"
Jaaster Taras: "I guess so. If I've got a lot on my plate, I can get busy enough that I just don't really think about anything but the work. Really helps having the hounds around then. Sometimes, though, if I've left the hounds in my room and I have to be someplace else, and I'm not super busy...I just keep thinking about what happened, and I wonder if it'll happen again no matter what I do, and I just..." Jaaster gesticulates vaguely, frustration plain on his face, before shrugging helplessly.
Waku Motohama nods. "So your drive to work is a way to help you forget how ugly and awful that anger feels, along with being a way to make you feel like you have some kind of control. 'If I work harder, this might not happen again.' But also, 'I need to work harder, because I let something awful happen, and I need to make myself good enough because I'm not right now.' And, of course, there are the memories themselves, and how painful they are."
Waku Motohama: That sounds like a hell of a lot to deal with, Jaaster.
Jaaster Taras: "...Yeah, I...I guess it is."
Waku Motohama: Well. I'll start by saying - the ambush wasn't all your fault. I don't know the details so I can't, like, write you an essay or anything... but it wasn't like you were the only person involved. Mister Otolin. Your teammates. Everyone had a say in how that encounter went. Everyone made mistakes. And you know what?
Waku Motohama: That's okay, because mortals are fallible, and the true fault lies in the people who attacked you. Not yours. Not anyone's here.
Jaaster Taras starts to respond immediately, but he bites his tongue, appearing as though he has to physically restrain the flow of speech. After a few moments, he nods. "Everybody makes mistakes. Right. Okay." He sounds like he's trying to convince himself of something.
Waku Motohama: What were you going to say just then?
Jaaster Taras shakes his head. "Nothing you deserve. Something stupid. I'm still a little drunk, I guess."
Waku Motohama: Well... I'd like to know what you're thinking. What someone does or doesn't deserve doesn't change how you think and feel, nor the pain that those thoughts and feelings cause. So...
Waku Motohama: Say it. I can take it.
Jaaster Taras closes his eyes. "I don't doubt your toughness. Probably tougher than I am." He takes a deep breath. "But part of my job is making sure people here don't come to harm. Judging by a look Kowa gave me back there, I'm pretty sure I've done a bad job tonight. Time to stop the bleeding for one night." He opens his eyes and gives a tired smile. "Thanks, though. I appreciate the thought."
Waku Motohama rests her cheek on her hand, contemplating him for a moment. "You know, by saying 'everyone makes mistakes', I don't mean that 'it's fine to mess up, because everyone does'. I mean... your thoughts and feelings right now aren't particularly special, because everyone makes mistakes and then feels like they've let the whole damn world down. Putting all of the blame on yourself is just another way of pretending that you actually /can/ control everything, prevent all harm, and with enough -
Waku Motohama "- effort, bad things won't happen. But that's bullshit. It's just as much bullshit as 'fault' is. Blame. What good does it actually do to blame yourself? Does it mend what's broken, bring back the dead? It's just a way to self-flagillate." Waku points at Jaaster, expression serious. "Someone hurt you and the people you are bound to protect. Every time you hurt yourself with something as meaningless as 'blame', you help finish the job. It isn't constructive. It doesn't protect anything."
Waku Motohama: You can't treat a wound that you're trying to ignore exists, and your heart is wounded right now. But just because it is, doesn't mean that you aren't /enough/ just as you are.
Jaaster Taras tips his head to the side as Waku responds, the smile slowly slipping from his face as he stares unblinkingly at the detective. As she continues, a rumble builds in the back of Jaaster's throat, eventually turning to an audible growl. "I might have earned this hole in my gut, but I don't want this. If I wanted to be hurt, I - " Jaaster cuts off as the sound of hounds baying comes from within the house. He bites his lip and clenches his fists. "Sorry, I...I need to go check on them."
Waku Motohama gives him a sigh, then a simple nod. "Go spend some time with them. I apologize for hurting you, but... please. Think on it. Okay? I don't..." She crosses her arms, and then looks away. "The insidious thought of 'my fault' can... destroy people from the inside-out. No one deserves that, but especially not you."
Jaaster Taras stands up and gives Waku a curt nod. "Good night, Detective." He then lopes off into the clinic, heaing back to the pack.