Uh-hmmm

Cold Edge Anon Part 2

Apr 21st, 2014
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  1. > Sombra blinks and his eyes refocus, then immediately start to droop.
  2. "I, ah, thank thee for thine recommendation, First Chimera. For all the pleasantries of her company,"
  3. "Which are legion."
  4. > Discord injerjexts. Sombra nods in acknowledgement.
  5. "Which are legion, I fear I should become subject to her, she is even as a hooker, seductive and as wont to bind with flaxen cords. For mine own safety, I must continue to ply courtship elsewhere. Perhaps on the morrow, for I find the allure of my bedchamber most irresistible at this time. Gentlecolts, fare thee well."
  6. > With that he bows and trots off into the halls of the keep.
  7. > As you turn to talk to Discord, your stomach growls.
  8. "Ah, do you know where I could get some food? We're kinda in the middle of a frozen wasteland."
  9. > You know it can only end in mischief, but he's the only reliable transportation around.
  10. > Discord circles you.
  11. "Without bits... Shall we steal apples from Sweet Apple Acres?"
  12. > You scowl at him.
  13. "I'll work for my food if need be, let's not be criminals if we don't have to."
  14. "Fine, fine, I know just the place."
  15. > Space goes oompa loompa and you touch down in front of Sugarcube Corner.
  16. > To tell the truth, you are a little psyched to be in ponyville, but you are immediately distracted by general screams of terror.
  17. > You look at Discord.
  18. "This is your fault."
  19. "You think so, Uh'hmmm? Why don't you try to get breakfast by yourself, then. I assure you, they accept labor as alternative payment."
  20. > With that, he blinks out of existence. You take a deep breath, then go through the doors.
  21. "Welcome, what would you li- "
  22. > Mr. Cake froze, then slowly backed into the kitchen. You turn and see the other customers similarly backing away.
  23. "I come in peace?"
  24. > And off they go. You honestly didn't think you were that scary.
  25. > Pinkie Pie trots through the still swinging door, balancing an empty platter on her nose.
  26. "Mathilda says they were as lovely as always~! Isn't that just great, Mr. and Mrs. Cake?"
  27. > As the silence stretches on, she sets down the platter and opens her eyes.
  28. "Mr. and Mrs. Cake?"
  29. > You cough.
  30. "They're, ah, in the kitchen."
  31. > Pinkie's eyes widen at the sight of you.
  32. > You sit back on your haunches and raise your front hooves.
  33. "It's alright, I just want breakfast."
  34. > Wait crap that came out wrong.
  35. > The next thing you know, you are on your back and Pinkie is standing over you a huge smile on her face.
  36. "I can't believe it! Somepony else from the old country! You gotta tell me all about the folds, and how entropy is doing and (you know how you can sometimes hear a high pitched ringing in your ears? Well, it's like that, but a low pitched rumbling.) and how are you liking the new 'bod?"
  37. "Pinkie Pie?"
  38. "Yeees~?"
  39. "I'm not from the old country."
  40. > She backs away a little and sits down. She tilts her head as you get back on your hooves.
  41. "But you died and are here!"
  42. > how
  43. "I used to be a human. Uh, that is, a hairless bipedal mammal thing."
  44. > Pinkie's hair droops a little. You gotta say something else.
  45. "If it's any comfort, entropy is increasing where I come from."
  46. > She starts bouncing happily.
  47. "I knew he could do it! Oh! How rude of me, let me guess your name."
  48. > That's polite? She continues on, ignoring your confusion.
  49. "Ticonderoga"
  50. "No."
  51. "Bonder louse"
  52. "Negatory."
  53. "Yonder House"
  54. "Nope."
  55. "Wait I got this... Hannananananoni mouse"
  56. "Weirdly close, but no."
  57. "It's anonymous, right?"
  58. > How did she
  59. "How did you do that?"
  60. > She gives you an odd look.
  61. "Nominal resonance, duuh~. Isn't that how you knew my name?"
  62. > Well, how do you say this...
  63. "From my plane, I could see certain portions of this plane's time stream."
  64. "You saw me on TV?"
  65. > Note to self, Pinkie Pie might be telepathic, be sure not to think about the hooker dream projection.
  66. > Crap.
  67.  
  68.  
  69. > Gotta change the subject, hard.
  70. "So yeah, it's weird, I feel..."
  71. > Now that you think about it,
  72. "Exposed. Not a whole lot covering what used to be, um, private."
  73. > Pinkie Pie nods vigorously.
  74. "It's like no one has heard of oral modesty! They just wag their tongues and you can see ev-ery-thing. I didn't know where to put my eyes!"
  75. > Apparently today's topic is xenophilia.
  76. "Pinkie, you are the most talkative pony I know. And what about when Twilight first came to town? She sure got an eyeful."
  77. > Pinkie Pie holds up her hoof.
  78. "First of all, talking is necessary, since ponies aren't usually telepathic. But with Twilight... I just got excited okay?"
  79. "What was it about Twilight that was so exciting?"
  80. "There was a new person to have a party with!"
  81. "... So you showed her your lewd mouth?"
  82. > Pinkie starts pacing, growing frustrated.
  83. "A party means eating and talking and dancing! It is how everypony in the old country figured out who to uh, you know, with!"
  84. > That certainly explains why she loves parties so much, it's like mass speed dating...
  85. >...
  86. "You party-dated the entire town?"
  87. >Pinkie grinned very wide.
  88. "Yuppers."
  89. "And you work at a bakery, so you can watch ponies eat all day. I am impressed at how much you've incorporated voyeurism into your daily life."
  90. > Pinkie bounced over behind the counter, a serene smile on her face.
  91. "I am not a voyeur, I am just enjoying the scenery. You said you wanted breakfast?"
  92. "If I let you watch, is it free?"
  93. "Silly a non-knee mouse, if I don't get to watch, you don't get to pay for it in labor."
  94. > Eh, whatever.
  95. > You end up having several chocolate chip banana muffins, slowly revealing more and more of your mouth before you bite.
  96. > What can you say? It's fun to tease.
  97. > At first, you help with putting the base coat of frosting on a cake, but a pattern of skulls is the only thing you seem to be able to do.
  98. > You try frosting the cake without magic, and the same thing happens. The frosting comes off of the knife the shape of skulls.
  99. > you are relegated to mixing ingredients, and that seems to work out until the first batch of muffins come out of the oven.
  100. > The holes where the air bubbles escape form the faces of the damned.
  101. > For fun, she has you bake a red velvet cake and frost it.
  102. > Predictably, it looks like a horse skull in a pool of blood.
  103. > Mr. and Mrs. Cake are whispering heatedly with Pinkie Pie. She trots over and pouts.
  104. "Looks like spooky cooks time is over. Also, the Cakes say I should escort you to the edge of town and perform an exorcism, but don't worry! I'm sure we could use your help again next Nightmare Night!"
  105. > As you both canter out of the back of the store, screams of terror once again fill the air.
  106. > You sigh.
  107. "I probably should leave town..."
  108. > Pinkie shakes her head vigorously.
  109. "Nonono no anono! I'm sure one of my friends can help you be less bloodcurdling!"
  110. > You are feeling conflicted. One one hoof, meeting the rest of the mane 6 awwww yeaahhh
  111. > On the other hoof, scaring the living daylights out of the Mane 6, one of which is an op wizard, another is a supersonic jet, and yet another kicks trees for a living.
  112. > There is pretty much no way you are not going to get hurt today.
  113. > But then it doesn't matter what you want, you are being dragged by a bouncing pink mare to the Carousel Boutique.
  114. > Welp.
  115. > Pinkie knocks on the door in a rhythm that makes you think of building snowmen.
  116. "Oh Raaaaaariteeeeee, I have a challenge for youuuuuu!"
  117. > The marshmallow opens the door absentmindedly, busy pinning together an elegant gown.
  118. "I hope it is a little more practical than your hot air balloon dress, I don't have time for such silly non-"
  119. > She looks up from her work and freezes.
  120. > You wave.
  121. > Pinkie beams.
  122. "Rarity, this is Anonymous! I challenge you to make him less scary!"
  123. "Ah, Pinkie, might i have a word with you?"
  124. "I don't know if we could split a word, and I already ate, so you can have the word all to yourself!"
  125. > Rarity keeps her eyes locked on you as she backs into her supply room.
  126. "Pinkie Pie, I really must insist that you join me in this room because of reasons."
  127. "Okie Dokie Lokie!"
  128. > Yep.
  129. > Just gonna stand here, in this shop.
  130. > It's actually kind of nice to have some time to yourself.
  131. > You walk around the room, browsing through dresses and suit coats and hats.
  132. > Oh no a trilby
  133. > Terrible choices activate
  134. > You put on the hat and look at yourself in the mirror.
  135. "M'lady"
  136. > You say while tipping your hat.
  137. > You have never felt dirtier in your life.
  138. > You set the hat down like it is radioactive waste, and back away.
  139. > Sharp claws dig into your hindquarters, and you yelp, bucking automatically.
  140. "Opalescence!"
  141. > You freeze, turning to look over your shoulder, to see Rarity's concerned expression focused on your rump- wait no, the cat is now on your back.
  142. > The dumb thing is just sitting there, licking itself.
  143. "Get down from him at once, he might eat you!"
  144. > Pinkie Pie appeared from behind Rarity.
  145. "Nuh uh~, nony already ate, didn't you boy, yes you did!"
  146. "Pinkie Pie, I am most certainly not a dog. I assure you, Miss Rarity, I mean no harm to your cat."
  147. > Rarity looks unconvinced, but edges forward.
  148. > You crane your neck to address the cat.
  149. "Hey, you, off my back."
  150. > Opalescence glances up at you, then rolls back slightly to lick her nether regions.
  151. "Okay, enough is enough."
  152. > You raise a thin coat of ice from your skin.
  153. > The reaction is instantaneous. The cat scrambles and twists wildly, but finds no purchase.
  154. > Just as she was about to fall to the floor, Rarity catches her with magic, bringing the cat close to nuzzle.
  155. > Opalescence glares at you, clearly blaming you for the predicament she is in.
  156. > Sorry, better you than me.
  157. > A few moments later, the cat escapes into the store, and Rarity turns her undivided attention on you.
  158. "... Why do have a blue ribbon in sex sleuthing?"
  159. >...
  160. "It's Discord's, he stuck it into my mane with gum. Do you have anything that could get that out?"
  161. > Rarity shakes her head, a strange light filling her eyes.
  162. "I am afraid we'll have to cut it. Don't worry, dear, I am a professional fashionista, your style is in safe hooves. This way~!"
  163. > Rarity leads you to a barber chair. You sit down uneasily. You are pretty sure this is just Rarity setting aside all else in the pursuit of fashion, but the abrupt emotional shift catches you off guard.
  164. > the hair cutting apron thing magics itself about your neck, and Rarity starts fussing with your hair.
  165. "Dreadful, just dreadful, how ever did you get mixed up with that uncouth old pony?"
  166. "I'm pretty sure the Princesses sent him to keep an eye on me and sombrero, ever since we founded the Kingdom of the Shard."
  167. > Rarity pauses in her snipping, then continues.
  168. "Is that why you were trying on hats, Discord took yours?"
  169. > If only you could be buried in spaghetti and be spared this pain.
  170. "I... left sombrero at home, and thought I'd see how I looked with another hat."
  171. > Rarity hums in disapproval.
  172. "I'm afraid most ponies cannot pull off wearing hats, most especially that trilby. I really ought to get rid of it."
  173. > She makes a few more snips in the back, then moves in front of you.
  174. "Head down, please."
  175. > You obediently tilt your head down and
  176. > Rarity's head is about five inches from yours, getting closer as she snips and combs your mane.
  177. > Finally she leans back a little, and puts her hoof under your chin.
  178. > After a few tilts and finishing touches, she levitates a mirror in front of you.
  179. > What was once a spiky mess of long hair and weaboo is now considerably shorter, and parted on the side.
  180. "I like it, it looks much more manageable."
  181. > You spoke too soon.
  182. > Your hair writhes and bunches up, eventually settling in a shape that reminds you of fire.
  183. > Rarity sighs.
  184. "How unfortunate. Still, there I more to a makeover than hair!"
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