Anon Turns into a Horrible Mutant Lust Chimera (Retarded)

Dec 22nd, 2013
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  1. "And of course the biggest news that has been burning across the world like wildfire is the issue of Therapeutic Species Realignment. Since the establishment of communication and travel with Equestria and its citizens, we've been exposed to an astonishing number of new technologies, the most controversial being the process that can turn humans into ponies, purportedly for mental well-being. Tonight we have Princeton professor, Doctor Lawrence Albrecht, who specializes in the history of human social and mental evolution, to discuss this ever growing trend. Good to have you tonight, Doctor Albrecht."
  2. "Happy to be here, Morgan."
  3. "Now, many people from all across the political and global spectrum are calling this process 'unethical.' It is clearly voluntary, but many, such as Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick claim the induction methods are 'seductive to the point of being indistinguishable from witchcraft.' A very extreme and disturbing accusation."
  4. "Of course, Morgan, and I can see where the good governor is coming from, but clearly a significant -and I do mean significant- portion of the human race apparently....ah...apparently wants to be pretty little horses with perky asses that make out with each other all day."
  5. ----
  7. >”So what you're saying is that you won't turn me into a pony?” You cross your arms and put on your mean-mug face. The little mauve unicorn sitting behind the desk puts on her oh-well face.
  8. “That is exactly right.”
  9. >Your elbows prop on the counter and you rub your temples. “And why is that? Give me some reasons.” She leafs through your application papers.
  10. “Well, your psych evaluation indicates no need for species reassignment. That's our most core criteria. You're just too mentally well-adjusted.”
  11. >You slam a fist on the table. “MY MENTALITY IS THE LEAST WELL-ADJUSTED PART OF ME!” She looks through the papers again in case they may have lied.
  12. “, no. You're fine. Physically, mentally, diet is good, chemical balances are cleared, you are perfectly fine.”
  13. >You spin in a little circle, trying to find a way to convince her otherwise. “Wrong, you are objectively wrong. I am not fine. I am wrong, misaligned. Misplaced. Ask me any question on that application, and I'll tell you how screwed I am in the head.”
  14. >She rolled her big, shiny, totally adorable eyes and nudged her nurses cap into a more professional position.
  15. “Very well. Okay, lemme see here...uh...okay! Do you experience wild vomiting when exposed to meat?”
  16. >”Hell no, meat rocks. I get boners from here to Saturn, baby.” She nods and jumps to another question.
  17. “What's your favorite werewolf movie?”
  18. >”Blade 2.”
  19. “A butterfly lands on your hand, do y-”
  20. >”Ah gross, butterflies are gay.”
  21. “Uh....huh. You wake up with a vagina, how does this affect your day?”
  22. >Fantastic! This is a perfect question to put your unquestionably malformed psyche on full display. You clench your fist like there's a chocolate covered cherry in there.
  23. >“I put THINGS in it and build a shrine to my fallen dick! That soldier served me loyally in the battle of '07. My new juicy cunt will bring peace and joy in the name of its lost brother.” You have a snake's smile. Sweet, buttery thoughts drip into your brain. “And I'll dress it up and put frilly bows and laces around on it...maybe get some slutty piercings....oh yeah.”
  24. “Interesting.”
  25. >”, that's the good stuff.”
  26. “It certainly sounds like you've planned this out.”
  27. >”I want to be the biggest four-legged whore on the block.” She re-tallies your answers.
  28. “You'd be very popular!”
  29. >”Sluttier than that fucking retriever that belongs to my neighbor.” She 'mm-hmms' offhandedly while you swim to the thought of winning the Gaping-Glory-Hole of the Year Award.
  30. “Welp, I'm afraid that's a dream for another lifetime, you're just too well composed.” She puts her arms between her legs and tilts her head, looking very sad over your predicament. “We just cannot recommend our procedure.” You howl and slam your head on the desk and kick one of the lovely potted plants.
  31. >”FUCK DAMMIT WILLIE NELSON!” You pull yourself together only to fall apart again in a pile of desperation on the counter. “Tell me, why why why why WHY can you not just turn me into an adorable bubbly slut horse? Do you want money? I'll give you money. I don't have much. I have pants, you can have my pants -god knows I won't be wearing anything down there once I have a sweet candy-flavored cunt decorating my backdoor.” She shakes her head despite your bargains.
  32. “I'm dreadfully, truly, super-duper sorry, but we have these screenings for a reason. The way our procedures work, who knows what the outcome would be! Your body could reject the process, and the results...well....” she winces with a lip bite. “It wouldn't be fun for you or us.”
  33. >”I don't care. As long as I have wings or a horn, or even just softy silky full hair I -will- be happy.” Her pupils sharpen as a revelation dawned. She digs hurriedly below the counter.
  34. “Oh gosh, I can't believe I forgot! This changes everything!”
  35. >You bubble. “Shit, what? WHAT?” She pops up and puts a brown paper bag on the counter.
  36. “It's lunchtime!” She pulls out a sandwich and gets lost between the slices of bread. “Oh I've been waiting to eat this all day!” Her rear legs waddle happily on the oversized spinning chair.
  37. >Your fingers slip down your face and the air fills with your groans.
  38. >A tall well-dressed man steps into the office.
  39. “Hello, good afternoon. Say, can I sign up for that turn-into-a-pony brouhaha that's all the rage these days?”
  40. >The clerk chews the mouthful of sandwich and swallows.
  41. “Oh, sure. Just head down that hall, no the other one, yeah, that's the one. Mm-hm. Third door on the right and they'll take care of you, thank-yoouuuuuuu...” and she dissolved into om-nom-noms as her attention diverts back to the sandwich.
  42. >Your attentions divert back into rage.
  43. >”WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?” She looks confused.
  44. “What the what was what?”
  45. >”You-YOU DIDNT EVEN MAKE HIM ANSWER QUESTIONS!” She looked left and looked right.
  46. “Oh. HE didn't have to answer any. He's clearly maladjusted.”
  47. >”His suit was fitted down to his balls, he's the most well-adjusted man I've seen all year.” She shakes her head firmly.
  48. “Deary me, no. Goodness no. He was oozing unhappiness. It's in the eyes, you see.” She pulled down her eyelid to demonstrate.
  49. >Another man walked in. He was slouched over and smelled like weed and Ding-Dongs. His clothing was made from the scraps of a dumpster behind Hot Topic.
  50. “Uhhh....'sup lady. Is this that wild horsey sex house place?”
  51. >She nods. “Sure is!”
  52. “Righteous.” He walks into the back hallway. You kick the potted plant again.
  54. “Very desperate young man. He walked in just in time.” She pulls out a fat juicy grape and chews thoughtfully. “I feel so sorry for you humans some days. Bless you.”
  55. >”Bless you? Bless y-BLESS ME! What if I just walked back to that room right now, huh? You can't stop me, you're on your lunch break, you have no authority. Ahahahaa!”
  56. >She shook her head.
  57. “True, but those two huge stallions you saw before walking in have authority. They'll pick you right up and escort you right out the door. And give you a REALLY hard pat on the back.” She giggled.
  58. >You ran for the back.
  60. >An alarm blared. A blur of black and bulging muscles materialized in front of you like a brick wall that decided your day needed to be more interesting.
  61. >So that's what an immovable object feels like.
  62. >The two stallions booted you squarely out the front door.
  63. “Thank-you sir for taking interesting in the Equestrian Species Realignment Program. We hope you have a pleasant day,” grumbled the brick wall.
  64. >You stumbled upright with as much dignity as you could hold. From the outside the place didn't even look like any kind of medical center. It was practically a trendy two-story nightclub. Huge glass panels, pillars, neon sign. Hell, there was even a long ass line of people waiting to get in.
  65. >You waited six hours in that line.
  66. >”Yeah? Yeah? Well listen here, my four-hoofed friend, you can take your entire species and realign it to kiss my TWO LEGGED ASS!”
  67. >He looked on impassively and let in another human who didn't want to be a human anymore.
  68. >”MY ASS THAT STILL HAS BALLS AT THAT!” You stuttered to come up with more insults. “So you can just give them a lick while you're at it. Uh. Big Guy. Plenty salty for you, HA!” You storm off, cursing at everyone and everything.
  69. >It was a short storm, because you lived across the street and you could see the center from your living room window.
  70. >You simmered and stewed.
  71. >Bastards. Evil bigoted oppressors. They don't know what's good for you. Nobody does. You are a sad human in a big, cold, mean world. A poor damaged soul who just wants to be fuzzy and pink and gets her vagina eaten out twenty times every night by people you don't know.
  72. >You stand up and throw your lamp out the window.
  73. >”TO HELL WITH THIS!” You declare. You pace and plot. “This will not stand! An injustice! A man deserves better!”
  74. >Night falls. The second story windows glow with faint interior light. Neon blues and strobes are activated from within.
  75. >Loud music is played.
  76. >Ah hell, it is a nightclub.
  77. >People whoop and yeah-yeah-yeah from the street below.
  78. >Humans walk in, but none walk out.
  79. >Dammit, there's some huge pony orgy going on in there.
  80. >You want that action. Need it. Neeeeeed it.
  81. >And you're gonna get it.
  82. >You put on the robe and wizard hat.
  83. >By that I mean you put on a trench coat, boots, sunglasses, and your trusty fedora.
  84. >Hours slink by in the line again. People chatter idly about the obvious benefits of walking on all fours.
  85. “Yeah man, you can fly around and shit. Some people even get total Skyrim powers and cast spells and stuff."
  86. >Goddamned casuals.
  87. “They can eat all the candy they want and -never- gain weight!”
  88. >Ugh, that sounds amazing.
  89. “I'm going to be a pony super villain. Gonna go dark-lord horse. Morgoth all up in this bitch.”
  90. >Please make this line go faster.
  91. >It doesn't, but you get to the front anyways.
  92. >The bouncer stops you.
  95. “Hold up, buddy. What's your name?”
  96. >Oh jeeze, it's the same bouncer from earlier. Think fast think fa-
  97. >”I don't have a name because my human name 'cus being a human sucks balls. Trying to leave my broken shattered life behind, bro.”
  98. “So no ID?”
  99. >”Burned it and tossed the unholy ashes into the wind friend. Like I said, totally shattered life.”
  100. “Driver's License at least?”
  101. >You give him your gamestop rewards card.
  102. “Good enough, in you go.”
  103. >SCORE!
  104. >Okay, now it's time for stage two of your brilliant plan. Shit, you didn't come up with a stage two. Oh well, you think better on your feet anyway. Let's see, let's see -okay, that goofy receptionist is still sitting at her desk. If you waltz into the back hall, she might sound off that alarm again.
  105. >You stand on your tiptoes and take big strides towards the desk and shove aside her current patron.
  106. >”HellO MaaadaM,” what the hell kind of accent are you speaking in? “I yam BUILDING Maeiintenance IN-SPEC-TOR.” You wiggle your sunglasses. “I YAM to be IN-SPEC-ting your buildings tonights, so PLEESE TO be IGNORING ME!”
  107. >She looks at a calendar.
  108. “Erm. I don't think one was scheduled today, in fact we had our fire and safety inspection last wee-”
  110. “Ahh!”
  111. >”Yess, ROACH BARSTUDS is graaaaave PROBLEM ON RISE!”
  112. “Aahhhhhh!!!”
  113. >You bow deeply and fiddle with your fedora. “IN-spechsun is THUROUGH! Do not worry, and DO NOT BOTHER ME, the LICENSED PROffeessshunul!”
  114. “By all means, please! Oh, I hope we don't have any awful roaches!”
  115. >”MEAN NEITHERRS.” You shuffle down the magical hallway. She pipes up and leans over the desk.
  116. “Wait a moment, what abou-”
  117. >”IGNORE MEEEEEE!!!!” your voice fades away as you walk faster down the hall.
  118. >Okay slick, you made it you brilliant son of a bitch! Now, third door on the whatever side, uh. You see a door labeled “Primary Realignment Chamber.”
  119. >That sounds metal as hell.
  120. >You shed your disguise and slip inside.
  121. >It's a big metal room divided into separate sections. You are standing behind a curtain. There are other people inside. Lights and sparks of fire and electricity are shooting off everywhere.
  122. “AW FUCK YEAH!”
  123. >What the-
  124. “Son of a, here we go, here we goOOAAAHHHHH THAT'S IT!”
  125. >You hear more zapping and the rattling of metal tools.
  129. >omg
  131. >The sparks die down and you hear quivering flesh.
  132. >A sing-songy voice speaks.
  133. “Alright, that should just about do it.”
  134. “Oh, that was. Wow. Wow. I feel better already.”
  135. “Most patients note improvements immediately.”
  136. >You peak from behind the curtain. You see a unicorn wiping her glowing horn with a rag before putting it in a big metal can. The can is likewise glowing from the inside as she lifts and closes the lid.
  137. “How tired do you get from doing that shit?”
  138. “Oh, it's exhausting, but the results are -always- worth it. One moment dear.” She holds up a camera. “Say cheese!”
  139. “Huh?”
  140. >Flash-whirr.
  141. “We take a picture post-transfiguration.”
  142. >It prints out of the camera which she places in a large portfolio.
  143. “Lovely, just lovely!”
  144. >They leave the room.
  145. >You pull down the curtain and trip to the floor, dragging it like a crippled ghost to get to the trash can.
  146. >Here it is. Here it is.
  147. >You read the label.
  148. “WARNING: High-Energy Transformative Magic Residue. Do not touch without level-6 Morphic Resistant Safety Equipment (Please refer to the MESC guide or call 1-899-MESC)
  149. >Rad. Fucking Rad. This can is full of magic horse jizz to turn you into the pretty slut you've always wanted to be.
  150. >Hmm...
  151. >You flip through the portfolio. The vast majority of pictures are of unbelievably adorable, innocent looking ponies. Purple ponies, white, pink, red, blue, green. And their hair! All so luscious and shiny and flawless. Unicorns, pegasi, earthies.
  152. >A tear of joy falls while witnessing such earthly angels.
  153. >You lift the can off the lid.
  154. >Little hearts and unsubstantial runes fall over the lid like smoky glow worms.
  155. >Aw man, this is gonna be -great.-
  156. >You dig your arms deep into the can, ignoring the electricity shooting up your arms and lift a huge fat, dripping wad of unicorn after-magic goo and promptly rub it all over your face.
  158. >You rub it over your hairy nipples.
  159. >”STINGS SO GOOD!”
  160. >Fuck, it burns. Burns a lot. Not pleasant. Ouch Ouch.
  161. >”HNNGGGGGG!”
  163. >You reach in again and fish out a glopping mass and slap it down your pants.
  164. >Moment of truth, ladies and gentlemen.
  166. >Your penis is on fire. That's all you need to know.
  167. >”MY PENIS IS ON FIRE!!!!!”
  168. >You shove more goop into your mouth and chew and swallow its vibrant juices.
  169. >”Huh. Tastes like strawberries.”
  170. >It was the only pleasant part of the whole experience.
  171. >Your DNA shits itself.
  172. >Yeah, fuck you, you useless genome. You're getting traded up for something WAY better.
  173. >Your spine rattles like window shades and your bones crumble like the foundations of a house on the San Andreas faultline.
  175. >The door opens and four ponies swarm into the room.
  176. >The clerk shouts out-
  177. “Oh no! The super-roaches got the inspector!”
  178. >You rise out of your glowing primordial soup like an irradiated phantom. “Fools all of you! You tried to keep me from my destiny! But now witness as a goddess is born in front of you like a cosmic butterfly!”
  179. >Damn it, that sounded real gay.
  180. >The other pony that normally does all the transforming freaks out.
  181. “What have you DONE? Don't you know what's gonna happen now?”
  183. >You raise your glowing, sparkly hands into the air. The flesh drips down your bones like candle-wax.
  184. “Curse it, we have to stop him!”
  185. >She zaps you with her twisting magicks.
  186. >You catch it out of the air with your skeletal hand. It writhes and is absorbed into your bony, melting frame. Your ensuing laugh is crackling static.
  187. >“There is no stopping the universal lust I now embody!”
  188. >You threw her spell back at her, but it misses and leaves a burning whole in the wall.
  189. >Your frame lurches and crumbles into a bubbling pile on the floor.
  190. >”Get ready world! It's horse time! ITS ADORABLE SLUTTY-ASS HORE TIME!”
  191. >Your gurgling laugh dissolves into gleeful, manic bubbles in a glowing pile of genetic sludge and paper towels on the cold ground.
  192. >The clerk twiddles her hooves.
  193. “Is he dead?”
  194. “More than likely.”
  195. “I don't have to clean that up, do I?”
  196. >The pile of gloop heaves.
  197. >Bones build up. Muscles strands around the resurrecting wires of vascular systems and nerve chords. A blue heart starts beating in mid-air.
  198. >Sparks of green and red take flight like a swarm of fireflies. They attach to the muscles and spine, creating glowing organs. Your body reclaims form.
  199. >It is gorgeous.
  200. >Wings solidify and your hair tumbles down in blue and white bangs.
  201. >Your pussy looks amazing.
  202. >The light dies down.
  203. “That was new.”
  204. >You work out your new mouth. “Did it work?”
  205. “That was gross.”
  206. >You check your privates. “HOT DAMN IT WORKED!” Oh man, you sound like a naive, innocent little whore. Yes! This is better than anything you've ever dreamed. You strutted and swished your tail between the group of ponies.
  207. >”Out of my way, jerk masters, there's a new breeding mare on the block and her name is-”
  208. >Hurghlehglurgle, went your stomach.
  209. “Erp.” went your mouth.
  210. “Uh.” Went the clerk.
  211. “Everybody stand back,” said the technician. Everyone followed her advice and ran to the far side of the room.
  212. >“What's...supposed to happen nex-” Your hips twitch and you fall to your side. “FUCK THAT HURT!”
  213. “This guy isn't a very good inspector.”
  214. >Your bones feel like they're splitting in half. In fact they are. You look down and your shins and knees split, diverting off the joints and forming a second pair of legs. Oh great, you look like a mutant chicken now.
  215. >Pain, oh the pain, goodness gracious.
  216. >”Shit shit shit shit shit,” you observe. “Shit,” you observe further. This was not part of the plan.
  217. >Your wings buckle and fidget as more limbs and feathers shoot up along your spine like rows of corn.
  218. >Your forelegs split and new legs array around your chest. You're jerked and tossed from each new bucking addition.
  219. >Your spine lengthens like some kind of caterpillar.
  220. >You grow a long line of tits along your belly. You look down at your genitals because goddamn, there's some kind of party going on there.
  221. >You see a display of glistening vaginas. Cunts, pussies, coochies, and slips. It's a garden of labias and a field of clitorises.
  222. >A tear of joy falls down your eye.
  223. >A penis springs up along with a healthy ball sack. It looks very confused to be in that sort of company.
  224. >And your tits! Running up and down your stomach like gentle waves in the ocean. Lovely bumps of fun and happiness, topped off with cherry-rounded nipples. You want to motorboat them all!
  225. “This is REALLY new!”
  226. “I'm going to be sick. Someone call the boss.”
  227. >You laugh like you're about to pull a big mean frankenstein lever.
  228. >The center of your skull splits as a long, horn pierces your skin, with all the phallic discharge of energies you could dream of.
  230. >You crackle and kick your myriad legs in excitement when your neck cricks. “Oh hell, there's still more?”
  231. >Two tumorous masses glitch and twitch on the side of your neck. “Oh fuck, fucktiyfuckydiykdow OW OW SHIT!” They stretch and gape away from you. Muzzles and snouts worm their way outwards. Eye lids form under brows and are quick to flutter open and blink at the light for the first time.
  233. >Curly red hair falls on the head to your left. Spiky green hair tufts to the right head.
  234. >You cough and hack. “Dammit, this suck sucks ACH, CAWFF.” Your voice deepens and falls back to what you sounded like as a human. “Aw, seriously?” Red-head looks at you. It talks in a girly voice that lets you know she doesn't have too much going on upstairs.
  235. >“Hi. Do I know you?”
  236. >”Um. Don't think so.”
  237. >Spike-Green pipes up. Her voice is raspier and sounds like she get a little more brains out of the deal. “Fucking seriously? I get to be attached to you?”
  238. >”Hi, what's your name? What's my name? Can I be called Melanie? That sounds pretty.”
  239. >”Sounds pretty stupid.” Green-head bumped your jaw with her nose. “Sup guy. I'm Ace. Nice to meet you. I guess.”
  240. >This was not part of the plan at all. “Uhh......”
  241. >”Doing real good on first impressions here, dude.”
  242. >”I like him!” Melanie nuzzles her soft curls into your cheek.
  243. >Ace blows a raspberry at her.
  244. >The other ponies are all speechless at your sudden case of exploding into some kind of crazy-legged pony-amalgate. The technician has thrown up six times by now. Someone else has ran out to call for emergency services. The clerk is spraying Lysol around the trash can.
  245. >”Give me-just give me a second here, people.”
  246. >”Take all the time you need, guy.”
  247. >”Your neck is really cozy.”
  248. >You look to your left. Then to your right. The things talking out of your horrible deformed neck look pretty hot....
  249. >”I can make out with you two, right?”
  250. >”Ha! We're getting right into the nitty-gritty, yeah? Fucking rad, man," said the green chick.
  251. >”Cuddles? Heehee! You're a cutie. And you too. And me, while we're at it!”
  252. >With some multitasking you look down at your snaky body. Different colored patches of fur swirl and stripe across your body like a patchwork tie-dye shirt. Jeeze, you're the spitting image of a Hindu goddess. Limbs and body parts and sexual organs out the wazoo. You stand up as best as you can stand up. Wow. Wow.
  253. >”Like what you see, dude?”
  254. >”I am the hottest thing in the world right now.”
  255. >”Totally.”
  256. >You feel-
  258. >REALLY
  260. >Horny. Like, you need every hole filled up now and filled up full.
  261. >”Yeah, that's what I was thinking too.”
  262. >”Good to know we're on the same page.”
  263. >You give your wings a good gust and take a commanding stance. “WELL EVERYONE! Your new manifestation of fleshly pleasures and immaculate overbearing beauty needs to get down to business. Parties on the second floor, right?”
  264. >The clerk nods as she starts to clean up for a lack of anything better to do. You motion to your knew best-friends.
  265. >“Ace. Melanie. We've got a world to fuck.”
  266. >”Two if you count Equestria.”
  267. >You grin like a mutant that just won the lottery. “This is the best day ever.”
  268. >You march proudly out the door and into a planet about to be filled with billions upon billions of confused boners.
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