Red Rum Cake #15

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>kill the scum nobles of society
>Pinkie Pie
>… cake
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>in that order?
>no, no
>it has to be…
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>Pinkie Pie
>eliminate the unworthy nobility
>… chocolate cake
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>but does she really hold a higher priority than to the principle you’ve dedicated your entire life to?
>perhaps you should realize that killing them for such a selfish reason is a vain effort in the end
>they’re all killers indirectly; of hope, dreams, a future for others
>yet you’re nothing more than a brutish murderer, with blood on your hands that you don’t bother to wipe away
>and now you have this hapless being that you fell for romantically, who simply wants to follow whatever path you take, so long as it leads to the death of others
>can you change her?
>can you change yourself?
>will you, even?
>… no, you won’t, you never could
>this seething hatred is only being sedated by her, but it’s reaching the end of the month soon
>it will be time for the drawing, and a murder will soon follow
>but… you’re having second thoughts now, having career paths open and your life set
>you have money now, you could retire anytime and live happily
>so why, why keep killing?
>???: “Because, once all of them are dead, I promised that you could go home.”
Yes, that’s right.
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>Pinkie: “What’s right, Anon?”
Oh, err, nothing. Sorry, talking out loud.
>you stir from your heavy train of thought, which is ironic because you’re midway to home via the Ponyville Express
>scratching your head, you realize that you’ve been staring at the floor intently
>Pinkie, resting to the left of you, has been doodling some sort of crayon drawing
>it was of her and Rarity
>and Rarity’s overwhelming vagina
>however, your words have gained her undivided attention
>Pinkie: “Anon…”
Fine. I just remember that I promised Twilight that I’d help her investigate Fluttershy’s home once we returned, although I was hoping for a good read once we returned.
>you look out a window, gauging the time
>you left around 11am the next day after spending a sexual conquest that spanned several hours
>it’s probably around 1pm now, and you’ll get there around 2:30pm
>Pinkie: “Cause of things she doesn’t know about, right?”
Yeah, some sort of tools like that chainsaw are probably in there, we might be in for a surprise.
>Pinkie: “We~?”
Yes, as in Twilight and I.
>her ears droop down at this
>Pinkie: “Nyon~…”
Don’t give me that, you! We’ve spent two days having the time of our lives; I need to get to business, and you-
>you rub her stomach vigorously
Need-to-get-back-to-work!
>Pinkie: “Behh! But that’s no fun if you’re not there!”
I’ll try to stop by more often, then.
>Pinkie: “Oh yeah, I’m sure you will- with her~~!”
Maybe, but you know who’ll have my focus.
>you give her a sly wink as the ride drags on
>it’s just the two of you in the carriage, alongside some earth pony off in the corner
>a mare at first glance, with pale grey fur and a dark mane
>no ventures to guess her cutie mark though, it’s hidden far out of view
>Pinkie suddenly is making suggestive motions, her hoof on your crotch
>she can’t be serious
No, Pinkie. Not even if the cart was empty and we locked both doors, I would never attempt such an act, so savor what we did these past two nights.
>Pinkie: “Hmph!~ Meanie butt.”
>thank Nayru she doesn’t have a more colorful vocabulary in terms of vulgarity
>she also can’t see the mare down the carriage, your height being the advantage here
>wait, wait a minute
>waitaminutehere.avi
>the other pony in question isn’t doing what you think she is
>that mare is… no
>NO
>you can’t be certain, but if you had to guess with the way she’s moving her arms, she’s either jerking off or polishing something very vigorously
>you facepalm when you hear a low moan
>she’s polishing something alright, thankfully Pinkie is back to her coloring and oblivious to the sight and noise
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>hello, your sweet and welcoming home
>hello, Twilight Sparkle chilling outside your home
>you approach your haven to find the patiently waiting unicorn sitting around, presumably for you
Hello, Twilight. Any reason you’re being a lawn ornament?
>Twi: “Well, uh… I’ve been waiting for you.”
That’s a bit obvious, but there was like a twenty four hour window of when I returned, sitting out here is a bit tedious, don’t you think?
>Twi: “Hehe… it’s only been two hours.”
Two hours. Huh.
>you look at Pinkie for a moment, determining a reaction
>she’s stone faced, and by that you don’t mean she’s plastered from alcohol
Pinkie, remember what I said yesterday.
>Twi: “What’s up, you two?”
I’ve been trying to convince Pinkie here that her old friends are still her friends, and she needs to warm up to them better.
>Pinkie slowly turns her focus from Twilight to you, and you feel like you’re about to get into a lover’s quarrel
>Pinkie: “Rarity is one thing, Anon… Twilight is in heat, and she likes you. I don’t think her interests in ‘helping me’ is genuine.”
>buh duh huh?
>Twilight stands up in a quivering rage
>Twi: “Pinkie Pie, how dare you say something like that about me! That’s- this is… it’s not true!”
>your marefriend scoffs skeptically, rolling her eyes and swinging her mane to the side
>Pinkie: “Oh please, I’ve noticed it from day one. If I didn’t try to kill him or you, it’s obvious that you would have eventually made a move on-“
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT INTO THE HOUSE WE GO!
>you frantically shuffle the key into the lock and invite the challenging mares in, who look ready to lock horns
>you’re sure Pinkie would glue a knife to her forehead if it came down to it
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>three cups of tea later, you’re amidst a silent war
>you take momentary glances at both of them, trying to read their minds off of their faces
>they’re both hiding their emotions fairly well, although the air is starting to crackle with energy
>Twilight already knows about Pinkie’s attempt on you and her
>Pinkie does not know about Twilight’s enlightenment however, and is probably testing her to see if you spilled the beans or not
>this has become a bit more serious and dramatic than you thought
Pinkie.
>she’s in your chair, sipping her tea
>apparently she didn’t wish to sit next to Twilight or yourself
What you said was a bit exaggerated, and I think the alcohol is making you say a few things you shouldn’t-
>Pinkie: “She knows, doesn’t she? How much does she know?”
>Twi: “I’m still trying to figure out if I should arrest the both of you, considering you’re housing a pony that attempted to kill us both.”
>you facepalm in annoyance
>she’s acting well, but too well
>you’re certain Pinkie is ready to take her out, and that would be an ugly move
>you try to use telepathy on her, warning her that if she tries something she won’t be getting the good stuff tonight
>it doesn’t work, so you revert to words instead
Twilight, if you have enough respect for me left, just stop trying to argue for a moment. Pinkie, if you love me enough-
>Pinkie: “I get it, just explain some things.”
>you put your hands out in submission, to which both Twilight and Pinkie shush
Twilight, how much do you know about Pinkie?
>Twi: “Can I talk now?”
Yes.
>Twi: “She’s twisted in the head and attempted to kill both you and me for unknown reasons, probably jealousy of loneliness. I should have known Trixie had nothing to do with this.”
>Pinkie’s gritting the fuck out of her teeth now
You’re right and very wrong at the same time. You’re right in saying that Trixie was not the culprit, but Pinkie Pie herself. What do you plan to do?
>you give her a stare, watching her eyes move about nervously
>she holds back her reply, so you venture on, a deadly dance of words
You understand that I, an agent, have taken full responsibility for her and her actions, of past and future, and whatever judgment you cast on her will fall on me as well?
>Twi: “Anon, what she did is unforgivable-“
I love her. Despite what she tried, I now see her true self, and I love her oh so much for it. I’ve forgiven her.
>Twilight’s at a loss for words, and so Pinkie brings in her opening statement
>Pinkie: “I lost it before, Twilight, I know; but, Anon has shown me that what I did was wrong, and I’ve been spending all this time in atonement, obeying his every word in learning how I should be doing. He’s shown me that hatred is not the way to go, but laughter instead. I can smile again, Twilight.”
>she pulls a spot-on smile, one that swoons your heart and makes you want to grin yourself
>you figure it might be too much, so you poker face the entire scene
>Pinkie: “I’m sorry for what I did, I truly am. If you can forgive me, and let the past be the past, I want to be friends with you again.”
>Twilight’s biting her lips now, unsure how to respond.
>Pinkie: “I don’t care that you like Anon, Twilight, as long as you understand the relationship him and I hold, alright?”
>Twi: “I, but-…”
>she looks at you for some sort of response, and upon getting none, bows her head in defeat
>she is but putty it your and Pinkie’s hands, it’s beautiful
>how Pinkie has matured in fooling others is remarkable
>it makes you question if she is fooling you
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>Twi: “Alright, I admit it. I like Anon.”
>flattering, really it is
>how attractive you must be skin deep
>tis a shame she can’t see you in your workplace of choice, she might reconsider it then
>Pinkie: “Well, duh~! We already know that, silly!”
>Twi: “I know, but I felt like it had to be said. Anon, your thoughts?”
I like you, too.
>BAD MOVE MOTHERFUCKER
>Pinkie has shifted her murderous intent from her towards you with those words
I-I mean that as a good caring friend, of course. You helped me through the worst of times, even if you were the one who started it.
>you wink at her for accusing you of being a dangerous murder, and she looks away
>Twi: “Tch… the past is the past, … right?”
Do we have a deal, then? I want to put everything that could bring harsh feelings to the three of us to rest, and never fret on it again. Pinkie’s better, although obviously just as jealous as you are-
>Pinkie & Twi: “Hey!”
And I think with enough cake and Jenga™, you two will be just how it was before.
>Twi: “… Alright, I can agree to that. I’m sorry for treating you so coldly in the past, Pinkie Pie.”
>Pinkie: “And I’m sorry for drugging you and having your face plop into cake~!”
>mother fucking friendship is sparking again, it’s just like you’re on a roll for repairing friendships
>you feel all warm in fuzzy inside, although it’s more or less a match in a dungeon
Alright. I figured that you were waiting for me because of Fluttershy, correct?
>Twi: “Well, that too, but… there’s a new agent in town, and the two of us are supposed to meet her today.”
How does in about an hour sound?
>Twi: “An hour? But, why not now?”
I need to settle some things in, make sure the milk isn’t spoiled, wash up, the usual routine of having a hot and sweaty sex trip with your loved one.
>Twilight’s face is more crimson than violet at this point
>Twi: “Well, uh… er, hm. Hour it is. See you at Fluttershy’s house?”
Could we do your library? I don’t know exactly where she lived at.
>Twi: “Oh, alright. Take care!”
>she gives Pinkie a tight hug, as if she’s been building the need to do so all this time
>Pinkie returns the embrace, although not as connected to the feeling
>it’ll take some while to readjust, you suppose, just like Rarity
>you lead her to the door and bow her out, who glances back at you in an anxious manner
>thankfully Pinkie can’t see you smile and wink, which makes Twilight blush even harder
>closing the door, you see Pinkie sprawled over the couch upside down
>Pinkie: “We have an hour~!<333”
No sex, but I will offer something exciting.
>Pinkie: “Not Jenga™~~~!</3”
No Jenga™, even more fun. Come downstairs.
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>down in the basement, you place your sturdy knife on a side table between you and Pinkie
>Pinkie: “Spin the knife! Is that like spin the bottle, except instead of kissing you I get to stab you?<3 But I dun wanna stab my Anon!”
Close, but no cigar.
>you go over to a cabinet and pull out a scroll and quill
>god forbids they don’t invent pens in this town
>however, sweat is building on your forehead as you write
>you write, and you write some more, each word working fear into you
>you’re accepting the own terms you’ve silently set into this one moment, making peace with each step you take
>either you find the truth out, or you die
>or both
>you finish what can only be the most authentic note you’ve ever written
Pinkie, here it is.
>Pinkie: “Ooo~!”
>you lay it on the table for her to read, setting the knife to the side
>her eyebrows slowly shift to the side, steadily realizing what this note means
>Pinkie: “Anon… what is this…?”
It’s called a suicide note, made by and for me. It details my grievances to the world, and why I wished to leave it. All fabricated, of course.
>Pinkie: “But why… why would you write something like this, Anon?”
Because it would protect you.
>she’s flabbergasted from this remark
>Pinkie: “M-m-m-me?!”
Pinkie, I hereby terminate our contract to not kill each other and work together as business partners. You are free and able to kill me now, if you wish.
>you press your fingerprints on the knife and slide it towards her
>Pinkie: “But, Anon… I… I…”
Our lives together as co-workers is over, you can murder me as brutally as you see fit, and cover your tail at the same time. My fingerprints are all over that knife, and I left this little note so it looks like a justified suicide. Twilight would discover my body with you crying over me, and you wouldn’t have to worry about-
>Pinkie: “STOP IT! STOP IT STOP ITSTOPSTOPSTOP IT!!!”
>she’s screaming as high and loud as her lungs will allow her, tear rushing down your face
>Pinkie: “Why the fuck would you do this to me, Anon!”
>your eyes meet, a battle of wills colliding
>you could easily overpower her with this, but the point is to lose here, and so you submit hastily
Just like you and your old friends, I can’t allow a lousy contract that ‘holds us from killing each other’ stand between us. As a killer of my word, I promised that I would let you have the chance to strike me down, and here it is.
>Pinkie: “B-b-but, you could very well just do the same…!”
You’re very right, I could.
>with that, you scoop up the knife and lift it the air menacingly
>her face drains of color as you swing it down, a squeak coming from her voice
>Pinkie: “A-Anon!”
>it slams into the suicide note, carving into the wood behind it
But I couldn’t. I would rather take my own life than to harm yours, Pinkie. I’ve fallen for you so hard, that I could never bring myself to hurt you.
>there it goes, the single tear
>perhaps you’ve settled your role here far too well
>or perhaps this isn’t an act at all, but once again your true feelings
>you have trouble distinguishing between the two now, and it’s very unsettling
>the single teardrop strikes the parchment, mixing ink of your melancholy words around
>Pinkie: “A-and… y-you think I could?”
I don’t know, Pinkie. I’m giving you the chance, to reconsider your loyalties. Either surrender yourself to me entirely, with no regrets or despair, or end me now, and leave our love bittersweet.
>you’d think that the answer would be immediate, but hesitation lingers in her eyes
>you watch her face, her mannerisms
>she’s calculating, scrutinizing maybe, as if trying to decide something
>hopefully the best way to state that she doesn’t wish to kill you
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>Pinkie: “I… alright, that’s fine.”
>your balls drop at these words, along with your heart
Fair enough.
>Pinkie: “The contract is broken, but I refuse to hurt you either. I’m signing a one pony contract-“
>she takes the knife and knicks the side of her hoof, a trickle of blood forming as a result
Pinkie, don’t do that!
>you run around the table and stoop down to her to treat the wound, and she places it on your forehead
>Pinkie: “Under the oath of a Level 5 Pinkie Promise, I swear I will never do anything that will harm you in a way that can be detrimental to your health. My blood sheds only for you, my love.”
>that’s some dramatic Shakespeare shit right there, Pinkie Pie style
Alright, I get it, but you don’t have to cut yourself over that, geez.
>you grab some disinfectant and gauze and begin patching up the tiny wound, Pinkie watching you hard at work to treat her
>Pinkie: “Anon, will you hurt me?”
It depends. As in kill you? No, of course not, and forgive me if I only give a Level 1 Pinkie Promise for now, I don’t want to cut myself open.
>Pinkie: “That’s fine enough for me. I’m sorry for worrying you.”
You did, but it wasn’t your fault. It was paranoia, and I’m sorry for forcing you clear it up.
>silence, sweet succulent silence
>Pinkie: “What did you mean by ‘it depends’?”
Well, if I kick your ass in Jenga™, or I bite your neck too hard, it might hurt in different ways, but I’m sure you’ll get used to that.
>Pinkie: “Hehe~!”
>you finish up the bandaging and clean the knife, sterilizing it
Alright, let’s head back upstairs; now that I know I’m not about to die or have my life ruined, I need to get ready for an investigation meeting.
>she follows you up the stairs before she poses two very grave questions
>Pinkie: “Are we done killing ponies? I still kinda… wanna do that.”
No, of course not; I said that the contract is over, so now we’ll do it as a team, one of two lovers with similar passions and a taste for murder.
>you’re glad to see she can smile so beautifully after such a harsh trial
>Pinkie: “Good, and, uhm… is it alright if we did it?”
Did what?
>you let the venom of your broad question answer her own
>Pinkie: “Fine, but we’re going at it once you come back!”
We’ll see.
>Pinkie: “Nyo~ron!”
You might increase the chances if there’s cake once I come back, though.
>Pinkie already has the chef’s hat on, sprinting past you to the kitchen as you close the wall
That badly, huh?
>Pinkie: “First Class Chef Pinkie, on duty!”
>the end