life update

I don't have to write this pastebin, but I'm going to anyway.

My life is really turning around compared to 2-3 months ago. I went through a phase where I deleted all of my social media and online profiles (most are recovered), and I just wanted to disconnect from the world. Unfortunately, this was also around the time where my anxiety was at an all-time high. Y'all know I suffer from social anxiety and I'm taking medicine and seeing counseling every couple weeks. During my disappearance (I don't call it a break. I purposefully ditched everyone/everything (sorry again)), something happened in my life that tested my anxiety.

I met a girl while I was at work. She was shopping with her friend. We didn't talk for too long, but as they were leaving, her friend came back in and told me the girl I was talking to wanted my number. Weird that she didn't ask me herself, but I gave my number regardless. You're probably thinking "dude! nice!" but my situation is a lot different. I have no shame in saying I have very little experience dating. I had a girlfriend back in high school for just over a month, but outside of that, I've been on my own. My anxiety rose to new heights during this time that I was talking with this girl. I had no clue how to calm myself or anything, and it unfortunately cost me. While we never actually got together, I told her I needed to be on my own. She didn't get it at first, but later that day she understood.

I get to school this year, and the day before classes start, I panic. I couldn't keep food down, I was nauseous, and I felt claustrophobic. At this point, I was so sick of what was happening to me. All my life, anxiety kept me from being me. There were a few times in my past where there was a girl I liked, but my social awkwardness and anxiety prevented me from saying anything. There were times where I struggled to stand in front of a class and give a speech (Communication major with social anxiety? oh, the irony). I didn't even feel comfortable asking questions in class, or in one-on-one interaction. I hated who I was. My mom recommended I see a counselor, as she had counseling (not anxiety) in the past and she benefited from it.

I still take medicine, and I see a counselor who has helped me with strategies to cope with anxiety. Everyone has it, but not everyone responds to it the same way. Today we went over the types of thoughts that people get that trigger anxiety. My mind jumps to conclusions VERY quickly, and that is never a good thing. I take frustrations out on myself. I would think to myself that everyone's lives are going great except mine. I'd think I'm the only one with anxiety. I'd think "I'm a man, men shouldn't be anxious", but that's simply not true.

I'm happy to say that getting help has made me a better person, even if I technically haven't done anything except see a professional. I've noticed I'm a lot happier with myself and that I don't put anxiety at the center of everything I do. Even though schoolwork gets to be a little much at some points, I still think positively about it. People that I've talked to about my problems have been nothing but supportive, and I thank everyone for the support. And while I rarely talk about this, I do believe in God, and I thank Him for everything He has done to get me to this point. He doesn't give me challenges I can't complete.

What's the point of this pastebin? It's up to you. Even though so much garbage has happened to me in my life, I will overcome it all. Never be afraid to ask for help getting there. Never assume the worst. Life is hard, but not impossible.

I'll be streaming later tonight, so see y'all then <3
-Alec