you might not be aware of it but the change in your behavior recently has been hurting me pretty badly-- and don't take it as today only bc it hasn't been just today-- and i know your phone is the last thing you look at but it's the same deal on twitter and it's not as if you sign into discord anymore, so it's hard to even speak to you.

i understand the last few weeks have been hectic, but even when steve left (though i know he gave more notice but iirc they still didn't plan too well) you still made lots of attempts to talk to or spend time with me. i don't know if it's intentional or not, if you realize it, but it's very noticeable for me who is used to the closeness we had and i guess... don't have? anymore.

i don't think you know what you want, still, and i am not going to pressure you into figuring out how you feel, but also it sends a series of mixed signals when you tell me my feelings for you don't bother you nor are they bad and then like... we shift back into the behavior of being barely acquaintances, or you do. i can't get a read on you. it feels like you are trying to keep me at arms length and that hurts, too. i notice all of these things. you are/were the person closest to me. recently i asked you if you missed me "even a little" and phrased it in like a, idk, lighthearted way with an emoji and you ignored it to talk about something else. you avoid “serious” questions and then just avoid me entirely. it’s never been this way. it only became this way after i sent those texts.

it is pretty scary for me, this sudden change, and knowing i caused it really sucks, but you won't tell me how you feel, either, and i don't know if you're just being like... polite, to try and not hurt my feelings or what. which i don't want. if i think about it i'm still having trouble grasping how some of the stuff we've discussed came across as casual to you-- im not sure what "casual" even means to you. when i ask if i'm bothering you or you're overwhelmed you don't answer or say you aren't but like... your behavior says otherwise. it's like the katlyn from october and the katlyn recently are two different people.

i don't want to keep reaching out if it's not what you want. you said you're almost thirty and not looking for an LDR so i'm not sure if you thought i was or if i was just messing around? it kind of hurt when you said that because it gave me the impression you were just messing around when you were very much aware i have feelings for you. you know, like, i've told you i tell people irl about you. my gbf crew even knows about you and you're aware of that, too. i showed you and you seemed like, flattered. you are and have been aware i have feelings for you and have been for the past year, plus+, and i've shared with you before how happy i was to haved my feelings accepted and have been happy, and told you how i cried the first time you rejected and you expressed how bad you felt; you seemed to really care about it.

i'm wondering if you think because i put a name to it and we had a serious talk i've like shifted everything into Serious Mode? i mean, i *am* serious but nothing has changed. i was already under the impression when we met it would be to meet and also to see how we were irl, which, still, i don't see how there could possibly be any huge issues just because we'd be in a shared space, that is, ones we couldn't approach each other about like adults. i am still the same Sami who likes you before this happened.

i'm sorry i had such a baby fit but every time i tried to explain you, said you understood, it was okay. because i had an outburst, and an untrue one (IE you are affectionate and give me enough attention, it's just the time difference and having a new job with a schedule, like, why would i want to keep this LDR when i get that torn up about limited time together?) and like... you seemed okay with these feelings i showed before i put a name to them. i never hid them. sometimes i'd be embarrassed but you always wanted to know!

i'm just having a really hard time with the drastic change in behavior and not knowing. it was late when we talked that night, maybe it would benefit you to reread what i said, but like... yes! i want to see you! i want to meet you! i want to date you! you've known i've wanted to date you because you have asked to meet in person first. i always get a little nervous and apologize because i'm not trying to rush you, and i respect that you want to meet first. that's another thing i'm having trouble with: you have always been open to dating and have asked to meet first. this has been talked about way more than once even if just mentioned. now you don't know, now you thought it was a casual fling (i guess? again i don't know what your definition of casual is),  but like, i need to know.

i brought up the baby thing again and offered to explain, what triggered it beyond "katlyn talking about babies," and that, with all the time i've had, like, if you did want a little baby i would support you, i would support *us,* and maybe that's is down the line, but like, unless you have someone on the side or want to be a single mom (which, valid, if you do) you mentioned kids and relationships and being worried about being 30 and well... here i am, i guess. if i'm not a good option i just need to know. i wouldn't just tell you "hey, actually, i am okay with babies!" *JUST* to get you to be like "hm, i will reconsider the idea of Sami," like, i honestly do think that would be a sit down convo where i'd ask you to hear me out with my worries but if you wanted a kid and wanted one in a relationship we had, yes, i would step up to be mommy #2.

i get that the prospect of being in a relationship is probably scary, it presents the opportunity of getting hurt if things go wrong, but you keep avoiding the situation. when i try to also avoid the situation for fun things it's hard to do because your responses aren't like... normal? they're subdued and i don't know what that means or what to do with it. then you just stop responding to me.

i'm not trying to rush you into a relationship, but i need to know if the prospect of a relationship is even there. that's the thing. this change in behavior, the uncertainty... i get excited when you respond and it seems normal and then you don't answer me for hours. it's not a fun cycle; it's like pavlov's dog: katlyn responds and i get excited because maybe things are okay! ... then katlyn doesn't answer and it's anxiety time and i'm depressed again. i'm aware it's not healthy, but like, what am i supposed to do when i just keep hoping we're going to talk or figure out where we're at or waiting to return to normalcy when i don't even know if it's going to happen? i'm almost 30 too, katlyn. i need to know what i'm doing, too.