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- [man's voice] Once upon a time
- in a kingdom far, far away,
- the king and queen were blessed
- with a beautiful baby girl.
- And throughout the land,
- everyone was happy...
- until the sun went down
- and they saw that their daughter was
- cursed with a frightful enchantment
- that took hold each and every night.
- Desperate, they sought the help
- of a fairy godmother
- who had them lock the young princess
- away in a tower,
- there to await the kiss...
- of the handsome Prince Charming.
- [horse whinnies]
- It was he who would chance
- the perilous journey
- through blistering cold
- and scorching desert
- traveling for many days and nights,
- risking life and limb
- to reach the Dragon's keep.
- [crows caw]
- For he was the bravest,
- and most handsome...
- in all the land.
- And it was destiny that his kiss
- would break the dreaded curse.
- He alone would climb to the highest room
- of the tallest tower
- to enter the princess's chambers,
- cross the room to her sleeping silhouette,
- pull back the gossamer curtains
- to find her... [gasps]
- What?
- - Princess... Fiona?
- - No!
- [sighs relief] Oh, thank heavens.
- Where is she?
- - She's on her honeymoon.
- - Honeymoon? With whom?
- - She's on her honeymoon.
- - Honeymoon? With whom?
- [ Counting Crows: Accidentally In Love]
- So she said
- what's the problem, baby?
- What's the problem?
- I don't know
- Well, maybe I'm in love
- Think about it
- every time I think 'bout it
- Can't stop thinking 'bout it
- How much longer
- will it take to cure this?
- Just to cure it,
- 'cause I can't ignore it
- If it's love, love
- Makes me wanna turn around
- and face me
- But I don't know nothing
- 'bout love
- Oh, come on, come on
- - [screams]
- - Turn a little faster
- Come on, come on
- The world will follow after
- Come on, come on
- Everybody's after love
- So I said
- I'm a snowball running
- Running down into this spring
- that's coming all this love
- Melting under blue skies
- belting out sunlight
- Shimmering love
- Well, baby, I surrender
- To the strawberry ice cream
- Never ever end of all this love
- Well, I didn't mean to do it
- But there's no escaping your love
- These lines of lightning
- mean we're never alone
- Never alone, no, no
- Come on, come on
- Jump a little higher
- Come on, come on
- If you feel a little lighter
- Come on, come on
- We were once upon a time in love
- Hyah!
- We're accidentally in love
- Accidentally in love
- Accidentally in love
- Accidentally in love
- Accidentally in love
- Accidentally in love
- Accidentally in love
- Accidentally
- I'm in love, I'm in love,
- I'm in love, I'm in love
- I'm in love, I'm in love
- Accidentally in love
- I'm in love
- I'm in love
- It's so good to be home!
- - [distant singing]
- - [giggling]
- Just you and me and...
- [Donkey sings]
- - Two can be as bad as one...
- - Donkey?
- Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two
- a sight for sore eyes!
- Give us a hug, Shrek,
- you old love machine.
- [chuckles]
- And look at you, Mrs. Shrek.
- How 'bout a side of sugar for the steed?
- Donkey, what are you doing here?
- Taking care of your love nest for you.
- Oh, you mean like... sorting the mail
- and watering the plants?
- - Yeah, and feeding the fish!
- - I don't have any fish.
- You do now. I call that one Shrek
- and the other Fiona.
- That Shrek is a rascally devil.
- Get your...
- Look at the time.
- I guess you'd better be going.
- Don't you want to tell me about your trip?
- Or how about a game of Parcheesi?
- Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be
- getting home to Dragon?
- Oh, yeah, that.
- I don't know.
- She's been all moody and stuff lately.
- I thought I'd move in with you.
- You know we're always happy
- to see you, Donkey.
- But Fiona and I are married now.
- We need a little time, you know,
- to be together.
- Just with each other.
- Alone.
- Say no more.
- You don't have to worry about a thing.
- I will always be here to make sure
- nobody bothers you.
- - Donkey!
- - Yes, roomie?
- You're bothering me.
- Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess...
- Me and Pinocchio was going to catch
- a tournament, anyway, so...
- Maybe I'll see y'all Sunday
- for a barbecue or something.
- He'll be fine.
- Now, where were we?
- [giggles] Oh.
- I think I remember.
- - Donkey!
- - [Fiona yelps]
- I know, I know! Alone!
- I'm going! I'm going.
- What do you want me
- to tell these other guys?
- [fanfare]
- [ theme to Hawaii Five-O]
- Enough, Reggie.
- [clears throat] "Dearest Princess Fiona.
- "You are hereby summoned
- to the Kingdom of Far, Far Away
- "for a royal ball
- in celebration of your marriage
- "at which time the King
- "will bestow his royal blessing...
- upon you and your..."
- uh..."Prince Charming.
- "Love, the King and Queen
- of Far, Far Away.
- "aka Mom and Dad."
- Mom and Dad?
- - Prince Charming?
- - Royal ball? Can I come?
- - We're not going.
- - [both] What?
- I mean, don't you think
- they might be a bit...
- shocked to see you like this?
- [chuckles] Well, they might be
- a bit surprised.
- But they're my parents, Shrek.
- They love me.
- And don't worry.
- They'll love you, too.
- Yeah, right.
- Somehow I don't think I'll be welcome
- at the country club.
- Stop it.
- They're not like that.
- How do you explain Sergeant Pompous
- and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
- Oh, come on! You could at least
- give them a chance.
- To do what?
- Sharpen their pitchforks?
- No! They just want
- to give you their blessing.
- Oh, great.
- Now I need their blessing?
- If you want to be a part
- of this family, yes!
- Who says I want
- to be part of this family?
- You did!
- When you married me!
- Well, there's some fine print for you!
- [exasperated sigh]
- So that's it. You won't come?
- Trust me. It's a bad idea.
- We are not going! And that's final!
- Come on!
- We don't want to hit traffic!
- [Gingy] Don't worry!
- We'll take care of everything.
- [all cheer]
- - Hey, wait for me. Oof!
- - [glass breaks]
- [sighs]
- [ Chic: Le Freak]
- Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up!
- Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em up!
- Rawhide! Move 'em on!
- Head 'em up!
- Move 'em on! Move 'em on!
- Head 'em up! Rawhide!
- Ride 'em up! Move 'em on!
- Head 'em up! Move 'em on! Rawhide!
- Knock 'em out! Pound 'em dead!
- Make 'em tea! Buy 'em drinks!
- Meet their mamas!
- Milk 'em hard!
- Rawhide!
- Yee-haw!
- - [Donkey] Are we there yet?
- - [Shrek] No.
- - [Donkey] Are we there yet?
- - [Fiona] Not yet.
- - [Donkey] OK, are we there yet?
- - [Fiona] No.
- - [Donkey] Are we there yet?
- - [Shrek] No!
- - [Donkey] Are we there yet?
- - [Shrek] Yes.
- - Really?
- - No!
- - Are we there yet?
- - [Fiona] No!
- - Are we there yet?
- - [Shrek] We are not!
- - Are we there yet?
- - [Shrek & Fiona] No!
- - Are we there yet?
- - [Shrek mimics]
- - That's not funny. That's really immature.
- - [Shrek mimics]
- - This is why nobody likes ogres.
- - [Shrek mimics]
- - Your loss!
- - [Shrek mimics]
- - I'm gonna just stop talking.
- - Finally!
- This is taking forever, Shrek.
- There's no in-flight movie or nothing!
- The Kingdom of Far, Far Away, Donkey.
- That's where we're going.
- Far, far...
- [softly] away!
- All right, all right, I get it.
- I'm just so darn bored.
- Well, find a way
- to entertain yourself.
- [sighs]
- [deep sigh]
- [clicks tongue]
- [popping]
- - [popping]
- - [exasperated sigh]
- For five minutes...
- Could you not be yourself...
- [shouts]... for five minutes!
- - [popping]
- - [shrieks]
- Are we there yet?
- - [chuckles] Yes!
- - Oh, finally!
- [fanfare]
- [ Lipps, Inc: Funkytown]
- Wow!
- It's going to be champagne wishes
- and caviar dreams from now on.
- Hey, good-looking!
- We'll be back to pick you up later!
- Gotta make a move
- to a town that's right for me
- We are definitely not
- in the swamp anymore.
- [whistle] Halt!
- Well, I talk about it, talk about it,
- talk about it, talk about it
- Hey, everyone, look.
- Talk about, talk about movin'...
- Hey, ladies! Nice day for a parade, huh?
- You working that hat.
- [Donkey] Swimming pools!
- Movie stars!
- [cheering]
- [applause]
- [fanfare]
- Announcing the long-awaited return
- of the beautiful Princess Fiona
- and her new husband.
- Well, this is it.
- - This is it.
- - This is it.
- This is it.
- [fanfare]
- [fanfare and cheering stop]
- [gasps]
- [tweeting]
- [baby wails]
- Uh... why don't you guys go ahead?
- I'll park the car.
- [chuckles] So...
- you still think
- this was a good idea?
- Of course! Look.
- Mom and Dad look happy to see us.
- - [softly] Who on earth are they?
- - [softly] I think that's our little girl.
- That's not little!
- That's a really big problem.
- Wasn't she supposed to kiss
- Prince Charming and break the spell?
- Well, he's no Prince Charming,
- but they do look...
- [softly] Happy now?
- We came. We saw them.
- Now let's go before
- they light the torches.
- - They're my parents.
- - Hello? They locked you in a tower.
- That was for my own...
- Good! Here's our chance. Let's go
- back inside and pretend we're not home.
- Harold, we have to be...
- Quick! While they're not looking
- we can make a run for it.
- Shrek, stop it!
- Everything's gonna be...
- A disaster! There is no way...
- - You can do this.
- - I really...
- - Really...
- - don't... want... to... be...
- Here!
- Mom... Dad...
- I'd like you to meet my husband...
- Shrek.
- Well, um...
- It's easy to see where Fiona
- gets her good looks from.
- [chuckles nervously]
- [gulps]
- [belches]
- - Excuse me.
- - [Shrek & Fiona laugh]
- Better out than in,
- I always say, eh, Fiona?
- [both giggle]
- [Shrek] That's good.
- I guess not.
- What do you mean, "not on the list"?
- Don't tell me you don't know who I am.
- What do you mean, "not on the list"?
- Don't tell me you don't know who I am.
- What's happening, everybody?
- Thanks for waiting.
- - I had the hardest time finding this place.
- - No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Down!
- No, Dad! It's all right.
- It's all right. He's with us.
- - He helped rescue me from the dragon.
- - That's me: the noble steed.
- Waiter!
- How 'bout a bowl for the steed?
- Oh, boy.
- [slurps]
- - Um, Shrek?
- - Yeah?
- Oh, sorry!
- Great soup, Mrs Q.
- Mmm!
- No, no. Darling.
- [chuckles nervously] Oh!
- So, Fiona, tell us
- about where you live.
- Well...
- Shrek owns his own land.
- - Don't you, honey?
- - Oh, yes!
- It's in an enchanted forest
- abundant in squirrels
- and cute little duckies and...
- [laughing] What?
- I know you ain't
- talking about the swamp.
- An ogre from a swamp.
- Oh! How original.
- I suppose that would be a fine place
- to raise the children.
- - [splutters]
- - [chokes]
- It's a bit early to be
- thinking about that, isn't it?
- - Indeed. I just started eating.
- - Harold!
- - What's that supposed to mean?
- - Dad. It's great, OK?
- - For his type, yes.
- - My type?
- I got to go to the bathroom.
- - Dinner is served!
- - Never mind. I can hold it.
- Bon appetit!
- Oh, Mexican food!
- My favorite.
- Let's not sit here with our tummies
- rumbling. Everybody dig in.
- Don't mind if I do, Lillian.
- I suppose any grandchildren
- I could expect from you would be...
- Ogres, yes!
- Not that there's anything wrong with that.
- Right, Harold?
- Oh, no! No! Of course, not!
- That is, assuming you don't
- eat your own young!
- Dad!
- No, we usually prefer the ones
- who've been locked away in a tower!
- - Shrek, please!
- - I only did that because I love her.
- Aye, day care
- or dragon-guarded castle.
- You wouldn't understand.
- You're not her father!
- It's so nice to have the family
- together for dinner.
- - Harold!
- - Shrek!
- - Fiona!
- - Fiona!
- - Mom!
- - Harold...
- Donkey!
- [glissando]
- Your fallen tears have called to me
- So, here comes my sweet remedy
- I know what every princess needs
- For her to live life happily...
- [both gasp]
- Oh, my dear.
- Oh, look at you.
- You're all grown up.
- - Who are you?
- - Oh, sweet pea!
- I'm your fairy godmother.
- - I have a fairy godmother?
- - Shush, shush.
- Now, don't worry.
- I'm here to make it all better.
- With just a...
- Wave of my magic wand
- Your troubles will soon be gone
- With a flick of the wrist and just a flash
- You'll land a prince with a ton of cash
- A high-priced dress
- made by mice no less
- Some crystal glass pumps
- And no more stress
- Your worries will vanish,
- your soul will cleanse
- Confide in your very own
- furniture friends
- We'll help you set a new fashion trend
- - I'll make you fancy, I'll make you great
- - The kind of girl a prince would date!
- They'll write your name
- on the bathroom wall...
- "For a happy ever after,
- give Fiona a call!"
- A sporty carriage to ride in style,
- Sexy man boy chauffeur, Kyle
- Banish your blemishes, tooth decay,
- Cellulite thighs will fade away
- And oh, what the hey!
- Have a bichon frisé! '
- Nip and tuck, here and there
- to land that prince with the perfect hair
- Lipstick liners, shadows blush
- To get that prince with the sexy tush
- Lucky day, hunk buffet
- You and your prince take a roll in the hay
- You can spoon on the moon
- With the prince to the tune
- Don't be drab, you'll be fab
- Your prince will have rock-hard abs
- Cheese soufflé, Valentine's Day
- Have some chicken fricassee!
- Nip and tuck, here and there
- To land that prince with the perfect hair
- Stop!
- [chuckles] Look...
- Thank you very much,
- Fairy Godmother,
- but I really don't need all this.
- [gasps and mutterings of disapproval]
- - Fine. Be that way.
- - We didn't like you, anyway.
- - [knocking]
- - [Shrek] Fiona? Fiona?
- [dog barks]
- Oh! You got a puppy?
- All I got in my room was shampoo.
- Oh, uh...
- Fairy Godmother, furniture...
- [giggles]
- I'd like you to meet my husband, Shrek.
- Your husband? What? What did you say?
- When did this happen?
- Shrek is the one who rescued me.
- - But that can't be right.
- - Oh, great, more relatives!
- She's just trying to help.
- Good! She can help us pack.
- Get your coat, dear. We're leaving.
- - What?
- - I don't want to leave.
- When did you decide this?
- - Shortly after arriving.
- - Look, I'm sorry...
- No, that's all right.
- I need to go, anyway.
- But remember, dear.
- If you should ever need me...
- happiness...
- is just a teardrop away.
- Thanks, but we've got all
- the happiness we need.
- Happy, happy, happy...
- [laughs] So I see.
- Let's go, Kyle.
- - Very nice, Shrek.
- - What?
- I told you coming here was a bad idea.
- You could've at least tried
- to get along with my father.
- I don't think I was going to get
- Daddy's blessing,
- even if I did want it.
- Do you think it might be nice
- if somebody asked me what I wanted?
- Sure. Do you want me
- to pack for you?
- You're unbelievable!
- You're behaving like a...
- - Go on! Say it!
- - Like an ogre!
- Here's a news flash for you!
- Whether your parents like it or not...
- I am an ogre!
- - [yelps]
- - [roars]
- And guess what, Princess?
- That's not about to change.
- I've made changes for you, Shrek.
- Think about that.
- That's real smooth, Shrek.
- "I'm an ogre!"
- [mimics Shrek roaring]
- [sniffling]
- I knew this would happen.
- [Lillian] You should.
- You started it.
- I can hardly believe that, Lillian.
- He's the ogre. Not me.
- I think, Harold, you're taking this
- a little too personally.
- This is Fiona's choice.
- But she was supposed to choose
- the prince we picked for her.
- I mean, you expect me to give
- my blessings to this... thing?
- Fiona does.
- And she'll never forgive you if you don't.
- I don't want to lose
- our daughter again, Harold.
- Oh, you act as if love
- is totally predictable.
- Don't you remember when
- we were young?
- We used to walk
- down by the lily pond and...
- - they were in bloom...
- - Our first kiss.
- It's not the same!
- I don't think you realize that
- our daughter has married a monster!
- Oh, stop being such a drama king.
- Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong!
- La, di, da, di, da!
- Isn't it all wonderful!
- I'd like to know
- how it could get any worse!
- - Hello, Harold.
- - [gasps]
- - What happened?
- - Nothing, dear!
- Just the old crusade wound
- playing up a bit!
- [chuckles]
- I'll just stretch it
- out here for a while.
- You better get in.
- We need to talk.
- Actually, Fairy Godmother,
- off to bed.
- [yawns] Already taken my pills,
- and they tend to make me a bit drowsy.
- So, how about... we make this
- a quick visit. What?
- Oh, hello.
- Ha-ha-ha!
- So, what's new?
- You remember my son,
- Prince Charming?
- Is that you? My gosh!
- It's been years.
- When did you get back?
- Oh, about five minutes ago, actually.
- After I endured blistering winds,
- scorching desert...
- I climbed to the highest room
- in the tallest tower...
- Mommy can handle this.
- He endures blistering winds
- and scorching desert!
- He climbs to the highest bloody room
- of the tallest bloody tower...
- And what does he find?
- Some gender-confused wolf
- telling him that his princess
- is already married.
- It wasn't my fault.
- He didn't get there in time.
- Stop the car!
- [crash]
- Harold.
- You force me to do something
- I really don't want to do.
- [gasps] Where are we?
- Hi. Welcome to Friar's Fat Boy!
- May I take your order?
- My diet is ruined!
- I hope you're happy. Er... okay.
- Two Renaissance Wraps,
- no mayo... chili rings...
- - I'll have the Medieval Meal.
- - One Medieval Meal and, Harold...
- - Curly fries?
- - No, thank you.
- - Sourdough soft taco, then?
- - No, really, I'm fine.
- Your order, Fairy Godmother.
- This comes with the Medieval Meal.
- There you are, dear.
- We made a deal, Harold, and I assume
- you don't want me to go back on my part.
- [sighs deeply] Indeed not.
- So, Fiona and Charming will be together.
- - Yes.
- - Believe me, Harold. It's what's best.
- Not only for your daughter...
- but for your Kingdom.
- What am I supposed to do about it?
- Use your imagination.
- [whooshing]
- [whinnies]
- Oh...
- Come on in, Your Majesty.
- [piano plays, people talk]
- I like my town
- With a little drop of poison
- Nobody knows...
- [barman belches]
- [clears throat] Excuse me.
- Do I know you?
- No, you must be mistaking me
- for someone else.
- Uh... excuse me.
- I'm looking for the Ugly Stepsister.
- Ah! There you are. Right.
- You see, I need to have
- someone taken care of.
- - Who's the guy?
- - Well, he's not a guy, per se.
- Um... He's an ogre.
- [crowd gasp]
- Hey, buddy, let me clue you in.
- There's only one fellow who can handle
- a job like that, and, frankly...
- he don't like to be disturbed.
- he don't like to be disturbed.
- Where could I find him?
- [knock on door]
- Hello?
- Who dares enter my room?
- Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting, but
- I'm told you're the one to talk to
- about an ogre problem?
- You are told correct.
- But for this, I charge
- a great deal of money.
- Would... this be enough?
- You have engaged my valuable
- services, Your Majesty.
- Just tell me where
- I can find this ogre.
- [ Eels: I Need Some Sleep]
- [snoring]
- [chimes]
- Everyone says
- I'm getting down too low
- Everyone says
- you've just gotta let it go
- You just gotta let it go
- I need some sleep
- Time to put the old horse down
- I'm in too deep
- And the wheels keep spinning round
- Everyone says
- you've just gotta let it go
- Everyone says
- you've just gotta let it go
- Dear Knight, I pray that you take
- this favor as a token of my gratitude.
- [plays tune]
- Dear Diary...
- Sleeping Beauty is having
- a slumber party tomorrow,
- but Dad says I can't go.
- He never lets me out after sunset.
- Dad says I'm going away for a while.
- Must be like some finishing school.
- Mom says that when I'm old enough,
- my Prince Charming will rescue me
- from my tower
- and bring me back to my family,
- and we'll all live
- happily ever after.
- Mrs. Fiona Charming.
- Mrs. Fiona Charming.
- Mrs. Fiona Charming.
- [echoing] Mrs. Fiona Charming.
- [knock on door]
- Sorry. I hope I'm not
- interrupting anything.
- No, no. I was just reading a, uh...
- a scary book.
- I was hoping you'd let me apologize
- for my despicable behavior earlier.
- - Okay...
- - I don't know what came over me.
- Do you suppose we could pretend
- it never happened and start over...
- - Look, Your Majesty, I just...
- - Please. Call me Dad.
- Dad. We both acted like ogres.
- Maybe we just need some time
- to get to know each other.
- Excellent idea! I was actually hoping
- you might join me for a morning hunt.
- A little father-son time?
- I know it would mean
- the world to Fiona.
- [sighs]
- Shall we say,
- : by the old oak?
- [birds twitter]
- [Shrek] Face it, Donkey!
- We're lost.
- We can't be lost. We followed
- the King's instructions exactly.
- "Head to the
- darkest part of the woods..."
- "Past the sinister trees
- with scary-looking branches."
- - The bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!
- - We passed that three times already!
- You were the one who said
- not to stop for directions.
- Oh, great. My one chance
- to fix things up with Fiona's dad
- and I end up lost
- in the woods with you!
- Don't get huffy!
- I'm only trying to help.
- I know! I know.
- - I'm sorry, all right?
- - Hey, don't worry about it.
- I just really need to make
- things work with this guy.
- Yeah, sure. Now let's go
- bond with Daddy.
- [purring]
- [purring]
- Well, well, well, Donkey.
- I know it was kind of a tender
- moment back there, but the purring?
- What? I ain't purring.
- Sure. What's next? A hug?
- Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr.
- What do you think I am, some kind of a...
- Ha-ha!
- Fear me, if you dare!
- [hisses]
- Look! A little cat.
- - Look out, Shrek! He got a piece!
- - It's a cat, Donkey.
- Come here,
- little kitty, kitty.
- Come on, little kitty. Come here.
- Oh! Come here, little kitty.
- - [screaming]
- - Whoa!
- - Hold on, Shrek! I'm coming!
- - Come on! Get it off! Get it off!
- Oh, God. Oh...
- No!
- - Look out, Shrek! Hold still!
- - Get it off!
- Shrek! Hold still!
- - Did I miss?
- - No. You got them.
- Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy from...
- Puss... in Boots!
- I'll kill that cat!
- Ah-ha-ha!
- [coughs]
- [wheezes]
- [retches]
- [coughs]
- - [chuckles] Hairball.
- - Oh! That is nasty!
- What should we do with him?
- Take the sword and neuter him.
- Give him the Bob Barker treatment.
- Oh, no! Por favor!
- Please!
- I implore you!
- It was nothing personal, Señor.
- I was doing it only for my family.
- My mother, she is sick.
- And my father lives off the garbage!
- The King offered me much in gold
- and I have a litter of brothers...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Fiona's father paid you to do this?
- The rich King? Sí.
- [screams]
- Well, so much for Dad's royal blessing.
- Don't feel bad. Almost everybody
- that meets you wants to kill you.
- Gee, thanks.
- Maybe Fiona would've been better off
- if I were some sort of Prince Charming.
- That's what the King said.
- Oh, uh... sorry. I thought that question
- was directed at me.
- Shrek, Fiona knows
- you'd do anything for her.
- Well, it's not like
- I wouldn't change if I could.
- I just... I just wish
- I could make her happy.
- Hold the phone...
- "Happiness."
- "A tear drop away."
- Donkey! Think of the saddest thing
- that's ever happened to you!
- Aw, man, where do I begin?
- First there was the time that old farmer
- tried to sell me for some magic beans.
- Then this fool had a party and he have
- the guests trying to pin the tail on me.
- Then they got drunk and start beating me
- with a stick, going "Piñata!!"
- What is a piñata, anyway?
- No, Donkey! I need you to cry!
- Don't go projecting on me.
- I know you're feeling bad,
- but you got to...
- Aaaahhh!
- You little, hairy,
- litter-licking sack of...
- What? Is it on? Is it on?
- [clears throat]
- This is Fairy Godmother.
- I'm either away
- from my desk or with a client.
- But if you come by the office, we'll be
- glad to make you an appointment.
- Have a "happy ever after."
- Oh...
- Are you up for a little quest, Donkey?
- That's more like it! Shrek and Donkey,
- on another whirlwind adventure!
- Ain't no stoppin' us now! Whoo!
- We're on the move!
- - Stop, Ogre! I have misjudged you.
- - Join the club. We've got jackets.
- On my honor, I am obliged to accompany
- you until I have saved your life
- as you have spared me mine.
- The position of annoying talking animal
- has already been taken.
- Let's go, Shrek. Shrek?
- - Shrek!
- - Aw, come on, Donkey. Look at him...
- in his wee little boots.
- You know, how many cats can wear boots?
- Honestly.
- - Let's keep him!
- - Say what?
- [purrs]
- Ahh!
- Listen. He's purring!
- - Oh, so now it's cute.
- - Come on, Donkey. Lighten up.
- Lighten up? I should lighten up?
- Look who's telling who to lighten up!
- Lighten up? I should lighten up?
- Look who's telling who to lighten up!
- [giggles] Shrek!
- [barks]
- [barks]
- Shrek?
- They're both festive, aren't they?
- What do you think, Harold?
- Um... Yes, yes.
- Fine. Fine.
- [sighs]
- Try to at least pretend you're interested
- in your daughter's wedding ball.
- Honestly, Lillian,
- I don't think it matters.
- How do we know there will
- even be a ball?
- Mom. Dad.
- - Oh, hello, dear.
- - What's that, Cedric? Right! Coming.
- Mom, have you seen Shrek?
- I haven't.
- You should ask your father.
- Be sure and use small words, dear.
- He's a little slow this morning.
- - Can I help you, Your Majesty?
- - Ah, yes! Um...
- Mmm! Exquisite.
- What do you call this dish?
- That would be the dog's breakfast,
- Your Majesty.
- Ah, yes. Very good, then.
- Carry on, Cedric.
- - Dad? Dad, have you seen Shrek?
- - No, I haven't, dear.
- I'm sure he just went off to look for
- a nice... mud hole to cool down in.
- You know, after your
- little spat last night.
- Oh. You heard that, huh?
- The whole kingdom heard you.
- I mean, after all,
- it is in his nature to be...
- well, a bit of a brute.
- Him? You know, you didn't exactly
- roll out the Welcome Wagon.
- Well, what did you expect?
- Look at what he's done to you.
- Shrek loves me for who I am.
- I would think you'd be happy for me.
- Darling, I'm just thinking about
- what's best for you.
- Maybe you should do the same.
- [both whisper]
- No, really?
- [both laugh]
- [Shrek] Shh...
- Oh...
- [hooter blasts]
- Oh, no. That's the old Keebler's place.
- Let's back away slowly.
- That's the Fairy Godmother's cottage.
- She's the largest producer of hexes
- and potions in the whole kingdom.
- Then why don't we pop in there
- for a spell? Ha-ha! Spell!
- [Puss in Boots
- shrieks with laughter]
- [Puss in Boots] He makes me laugh.
- Hi. I'm here to see the...
- The Fairy Godmother.
- I'm sorry. She is not in.
- Jerome!
- Coffee and a Monte Cristo. Now!
- [sighs]
- Yes, Fairy Godmother.
- Right away.
- Look, she's not seeing
- any clients today, OK?
- That's OK, buddy.
- We're from the union.
- The union?
- We represent the workers in all magical
- industries, both evil and benign.
- Oh! Oh, right.
- Are you feeling at all
- degraded or oppressed?
- Uh... a little.
- We don't even have dental.
- They don't even have dental.
- Okay, we'll just have
- a look around.
- Oh. By the way.
- I think it'd be better if the Fairy Godmother
- didn't know we were here.
- - Know what I'm saying? Huh?
- - Huh? Huh? Huh?
- - Stop it.
- - Of course. Go right in.
- [voices and grinding machines]
- [explosion]
- A drop of desire.
- [giggles] Naughty!
- A pinch of passion.
- [laughs]
- And just a hint of...
- lust!
- [laughs]
- - [Shrek] Excuse me.
- - [gasps]
- Sorry to barge in like this...
- What in Grimm's name
- are you doing here?
- Well, it seems
- that Fiona's not exactly happy.
- Oh-ho-ho!
- And there's some question
- as to why that is?
- Well, let's explore that, shall we?
- Ah. P, P, P...
- Princess. Cinderella.
- Here we are.
- "Lived happily ever after." Oh...
- [laughs] No ogres!
- Let's see. Snow White.
- A handsome prince.
- Oh, no ogres.
- Sleeping Beauty. Oh, no ogres!
- Hansel and Gretel? No!
- Thumbelina? No.
- The Golden Bird,
- the Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...
- No, no, no, no, no!
- You see, ogres don't
- live happily ever after.
- All right, look, lady!
- Don't you point...
- those dirty green sausages at me!
- Your Monte Cristo and coffee.
- Oh! Sorry.
- Ah... that's okay.
- We were just leaving.
- Very sorry to have wasted your time,
- Miss Godmother.
- Just... go.
- Come on, guys.
- [whistles tune]
- TGIF, eh, buddy?
- Working hard or hardly working,
- eh, Mac?
- Get your fine Corinthian footwear
- and your cat cheeks out of my face!
- Man, that stinks!
- You don't exactly smell like
- a basket of roses.
- - Well, one of these has got to help.
- - I was just concocting this very plan!
- Already our minds are becoming one.
- Whoa, whoa. If we need an expert on
- licking ourselves, we'll give you a call.
- Shrek, this is a bad idea.
- Look. Make yourself useful
- and go keep watch.
- Puss, do you think you
- could get to those on top?
- No problema, boss.
- In one of my nine lives,
- I was the great cat burglar
- of Santiago de Compostela.
- Ha-ha-ha-ha!
- Shrek, are you off your nut?
- Donkey, keep watch.
- Keep watch?
- Yeah, I'll keep watch.
- I'll watch that wicked witch come and
- whammy a world of hurt up your backside.
- I'll laugh, too.
- I'll be giggling to myself.
- - What do you see?
- - Toad Stool Softener?
- I'm sure a nice BM is the perfect solution
- for marital problems.
- - Elfa Seltzer?
- - Uh-uh.
- - Hex Lax?
- - No! Try "handsome."
- Sorry. No handsome.
- Hey! How about "Happily Ever After"?
- Well, what does it do?
- It says "Beauty Divine."
- In some cultures, donkeys are revered
- as the wisest of creatures.
- Especially us talking ones.
- [gasps] Donkey!
- That'll have to do.
- We've got company.
- Can we get on with this?
- Hurry!
- Nice catch, Donkey!
- Finally! A good use for your mouth.
- [ Pete Yorn: Ever Fallen In Love]
- Come on!
- You spurn my natural emotions
- You make me feel like dirt
- and I'm hurt
- And if I start a commotion
- I run the risk of losing you
- and that's worse
- Ever fallen in love with someone,
- ever fallen in love
- In love with someone,
- ever fallen in love
- In love with someone
- you shouldn't have fallen in love with
- Ever fallen in love with someone,
- ever fallen in love
- In love with someone,
- ever fallen in love
- With someone
- you shouldn't have fallen in love with
- Fallen in love with
- Ever fallen in love with someone
- you shouldn't have fallen in love with
- I don't care whose fault it is.
- Just get this place cleaned up!
- And somebody bring me something
- deep fried and smothered in chocolate!
- - Mother!
- - Charming. Sweetheart.
- This isn't a good time, pumpkin.
- Mama's working.
- Whoa, what happened here?
- - The ogre, that's what!
- - What? Where is he, Mom?
- I shall rend his head
- from his shoulders!
- I will smite him where he stands!
- He will rue the very day he stole
- my kingdom from me!
- Oh, put it away, Junior!
- You're still going to be king.
- We'll just have to come up
- with something smarter.
- Pardon. Um...
- Everything is accounted for,
- Fairy Godmother, except for one potion.
- What?
- Oh...
- I do believe we can make
- this work to our advantage.
- "Happily Ever After Potion.
- Maximum strength.
- "For you and your true love.
- "If one of you drinks this,
- you both will be fine.
- "Happiness, comfort
- and beauty divine."
- - You both will be fine?
- - I guess it means it'll affect Fiona, too.
- Hey, man, this don't feel right.
- My donkey senses are tingling all over.
- Drop that jug o' voodoo
- and let's get out of here.
- It says, "Beauty Divine."
- How bad can it be?
- [sneezes]
- See, you're allergic to that stuff.
- You'll have a reaction.
- And if you think that I'll be smearing
- Vapor Rub over your chest, think again!
- Boss, just in case there is something
- wrong with the potion...
- allow me to take the first sip.
- It would be an honor to lay my life
- on the line for you.
- Oh, no, no. I don't think so.
- If there'll be any animal testing,
- I'll do it.
- That's the best friend's job.
- Now give me that bottle.
- How do you feel?
- I don't feel any different.
- I look any different?
- You still look like an ass to me.
- Maybe it doesn't work on donkeys.
- - Well, here's to us, Fiona.
- - Shrek?
- - You drink that, there's no going back.
- - I know.
- - No more wallowing in the mud?
- - I know.
- - No more itchy butt crack?
- - I know!
- - But you love being an ogre!
- - I know!
- But I love Fiona more.
- Shrek, no! Wait!
- [gurgling]
- [farts]
- Got to be... I think you grabbed
- the "Farty Ever After" potion.
- Maybe it's a dud.
- Or maybe Fiona and I
- were never meant to be.
- Or maybe Fiona and I
- were never meant to be.
- [thunder rumbles]
- Uh-oh. What did I tell you?
- I feel something coming on.
- I don't want to die.
- I don't want to die. I don't want to die!
- Oh, sweet sister, mother of mercy.
- I'm melting!
- I'm melting!
- It's just the rain, Donkey.
- [chuckles] Oh.
- Don't worry. Things seem bad
- because it's dark and rainy
- and Fiona's father hired
- a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- [hisses]
- lt'll be better in the morning.
- You'll see...
- The sun'll come out...
- Tomorrow
- [yawns]
- Bet your bottom...
- Bet my bottom?
- I'm coming, Elizabeth!
- Donkey?
- Are you all right?
- - Hey, boss. Let's shave him.
- - D-Donkey?
- [groans]
- [Puss In Boots shrieks]
- There you are!
- We missed you at dinner.
- What is it, darling?
- Dad...
- I've been thinking
- about what you said.
- And I'm going to set things right.
- Ah! Excellent!
- That's my girl.
- It was a mistake to bring Shrek here.
- I'm going to go out and find him.
- And then we'll go back
- to the swamp where we belong.
- [Lillian] Fiona, please!
- Let's not be rash, darling.
- You can't go anywhere right now.
- [rain patters]
- [Both] Fiona!
- Look, I told you he was here.
- Look at him! Quiet. Look at him.
- [Shrek groans]
- Good morning, sleepyhead.
- [Shrek shouts]
- [All] Good morning!
- We love your kitty!
- - [Shrek] Oh... My head...
- - Here, I fetched a pail of water.
- Thanks.
- Uhh!
- Aahh!
- Oh...
- A cute button nose?
- Thick, wavy locks?
- Taut, round buttocks?
- I'm... I'm...
- - Gorgeous!
- - I'll say.
- I'm Jill. What's your name?
- - Um... Shrek.
- - Shrek? Wow. Are you from Europe?
- - You're tense.
- - I want to rub his shoulders.
- - I got it covered.
- - I don't have anything to rub.
- Get in line.
- Get in line.
- - Have you seen my donkey?
- - Who are you calling donkey?
- - Donkey? You're a...
- - A stallion, baby!
- I can whinny.
- [whinnies]
- I can count.
- Look at me, Shrek!
- I'm trotting!
- That's some quality potion.
- What's in that stuff?
- "Oh, don't take the potion,
- Mr. Boss, it's very bad."
- Pah!
- "Warning: Side effects may include
- burning, itching, oozing, weeping.
- "Not intended for heart patients
- or those with... nervous disorders."
- I'm trotting, I'm trotting in place! Yeah!
- What?
- Señor? "To make the effects
- of this potion permanent,
- "the drinker must obtain his
- true love's kiss by midnight."
- Midnight?
- Why is it always midnight?
- - Pick me! I'll be your true love!
- - I'll be your true love.
- I'll be true... enough.
- Look, ladies, I already have a true love.
- [all] Oh...
- And take it from me, Boss.
- You are going to have
- one satisfied Princess.
- And let's face it.
- You are a lot easier on the eyes.
- Inside you're the same
- old mean, salty...
- - Easy.
- ...cantankerous, foul,
- angry ogre you always been.
- And you're still the same
- annoying donkey.
- - Yeah.
- - [sighs]
- Well...
- Look out, Princess.
- Here comes the new me.
- First things first.
- - We need to get you out of those clothes.
- - [all gasp]
- - Ready?
- - Ready!
- - [Donkey screams]
- - Driver, stop!
- Oh, God! Help me, please!
- My racing days are over!
- I'm blind! Tell the truth.
- Will I ever play the violin again?
- You poor creature!
- Is there anything
- I can do for you?
- Well, I guess there is one thing.
- Take off the powdered wig
- and step away from your drawers.
- - Not bad.
- - Not bad at all.
- [both laugh]
- Father?
- Is everything all right, Father?
- Thank you, gentlemen!
- Someday, I will repay you.
- Unless, of course,
- I can't find you or if I forget.
- - [whinnies]
- - [Puss in Boots, in angry Spanish]
- [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes]
- [ Butterfly Boocher: Changes]
- Oh, yeah
- Turn and face the strange
- Ch-Ch-Changes
- Don't wanna be a richer one
- Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
- Turn and face the strange
- Ch-Ch-Changes
- Just gonna have to be
- a different man
- Time may change me
- But I can't trace time
- Halt!
- Tell Princess Fiona her husband,
- Sir Shrek, is here to see her.
- Still don't know what
- I was looking for
- And my time was running wild,
- a million dead-end streets
- Every time I thought
- I'd got it made
- It seemed the taste
- was not so sweet
- - [screams]
- - Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes
- Turn and face the strange
- - Shrek?
- - Ch-Ch-Changes
- Don't wanna be a richer one
- Time may change me
- But I can't trace time
- Fiona?
- Hello, handsome.
- Shrek!
- - Princess!
- - Donkey?
- Wow! That potion
- worked on you, too?
- What potion?
- Shrek and I took some magic potion.
- And well...
- Now, we're sexy!
- Shrek?
- [purrs]
- For you, baby... I could be.
- - Yeah, you wish.
- - Donkey, where is Shrek?
- He went inside looking for you.
- Shrek?
- Fiona! Fiona!
- You want to dance, pretty boy?
- Are you going so soon?
- Don't you want to see your wife?
- Fiona?
- Shrek?
- Aye, Fiona. It is me.
- What happened
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