everything

just 2 disclaimers before i get into this probably massive writeup

1 - no names will be given.  if you've been close to me, you might know who who the person is, or you might be able to figure it out.  regardless, i will not be giving their name or other identifying details.

2 - i'm not doing this with the intention to put anyone down or make them look bad.  it will probably have that effect because i'm bad with words and some things might be a little harsh, but i just want to get the truth out there.

there will be a tl;dr at the end if you can't be bothered to read the whole thing.  so here we go.

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sometime around august of 2018, maybe earlier, i told my friend **** something along the lines of "if you ever get kicked out of your house, you're welcome to stay with me for a bit."  this is pretty normal for me, i like to think i'm a nice person and i often tell people that they can come over whenever they like, knowing it will probably never happen.  i'd never gotten myself into a bad spot because of it.

back in 2017 i had a different friend stay at my place for a month at a time on two separate occasions, and it was an absolute joy.  when i tell people about our meetup, i say we'd known each other for like 2 years before we met, that's what his parents believed too.  well it turns out we had only known each other for 6 months.  regardless, things worked out great, and it made me even more open to meet other online friends in the future.

**** was someone i'd known for a year and a half, and we had met irl a year earlier, in august of 2017.  but to be honest, we hadn't been close since december of 2017.  we had a falling out over some stuff and i won't go into detail on the specifics.  but basically i was very depressed over having to cancel plans to meet my boyfriend at the time, extremely last minute.  it was devastating to me and started a 6 month period of depression where i lost a bunch of people, couldn't control my emotions, and lost even more people.  **** was the first person who abandoned me after this happened, but they had no hard feelings and we made up a few months later on.

we didn't talk too much afterwards though, until august, and as we talked a little more i got a bit concerned about them.  i definitely wanted to help them, and i offered them a place to live, not expecting anything to happen.  well it only took a few weeks, but i'm at work and i get a message on discord from ****.  it says something like "hey, my mom is kicking me out, i have 3 days to leave."

because it came out of nowhere, i had to make a quick decision and hope it would be the correct one.  i still believe that the decision i made could have been the correct one if i handled things correctly.  either way, since i had the next 2 days off work, i made the decision to drive several hours away, pick them up along with their things, and bring them back to my apartment to live with me for a while.

the big problem was that we weren't really that close.  i wanted to be close with them, but things couldn't really work out.  i don't think i should have to force someone to change, but all of the things i tried seemed to have no effect other than making me sad due to ****'s inability to change.  (before you ask, there was no agreement that i let them live with me in exchange for X, Y, Z, etc... i did it just out of the kindness of my heart.)

**** had no money at all, no ability to work, and no desire to overcome the adversity in front of them.  at the beginning of our time together, they were doing school online, but due to financial circumstances, they were unable to continue with school stuff.  **** did not ever seem like they wanted to get a job either, just accepting that i would keep them sheltered and fed so that they wouldn't need one.

now here's the thing, i thought i was clear from the beginning that this would be a temporary thing.  i have the money to afford my own place, as i've been living alone for many years now.  i can sustain a second person living here and still pay for everything, is there's really only slightly higher electric bills and extra food costs.  and **** was definitely used to not having money and eating cheaply, so that wasn't really a problem.  **** didn't ask for anything other than for me to occasionally buy them some things using money they had and would pay me back for.  and their food expenses were very low.  i was never in a bad spot financially with them here.

but from the beginning, **** seemed happy with living with me and beginning a new chapter in life.  **** seemed willing to try things and put in effort now that they were in a more friendly living situation.  **** expressed many times that they would try to get a job to help give back and pay some of their expenses and part of my rent if they made enough money.  while none of this was necessary for me, it was necessary for self-improvement for them.  and guess what?  it never happened.

now i don't know if they really tried that hard to get a job.  due to circumstances, they really don't have much ability to work, but you can't go your entire life without working and expect to get anywhere.  i didn't watch what **** was doing all of the time to know how much effort they put in, but either way, there were no results.  and later on, **** was locked out of accessing the money in their paypal account for some reason, leaving them with literally nothing.

here's just some of the excuses used for not working.  yes they are all valid but you have to draw the line somewhere on what you can and can't do:
- no car and no license, nothing within close walking distance
- no money for public transport to get somewhere
- possible legal and tax stuff with not legally living in this state
- huge dislike for legal name, couldn't handle seeing it or being called by it at work
- didn't want to walk to work in the cold in winter
- bad social anxiety
- and probably more i'm forgetting

i work about 20 minutes from where i live, and it's in a part of the city where there's several things within walking distance.  i threw around the idea of trying to get **** a job where i work, or at a restaurant or grocery store nearby.  i talked to my managers about it, and things seemed possible.  but that's when the excuses started piling up.  everything that ever came up was an excuse.  look, when you have that many excuses to use for why you can't work, it's really just you not wanting to work.  i was unemployed for 9 months once, and i didn't want to work for a lot of that time either.  i had excuses, but in the end you have to throw the excuses aside and just do something for yourself.

so let's move on from them and start talking about myself.  for the first several months, things were good.  positive things happened for me, i started taking better care of myself and my apartment because it wasn't just me living there anymore.  i took care of **** and i was usually on it with looking out for things that needed to be done around the house or with food shopping.  while we didn't do a lot together, we'd eat meals together fairly often and i would occasionally go in their room and hang out and chat when i didn't know what to do.  having **** here was extra work for myself, but in a good way.

in a way, i was envious though.  while i don't want to be in the exact situation that **** was in, i wish i was in their spot sometimes, with someone taking care of me.  when i watched or heard about **** getting to spend their time just sitting around, playing games, doing whatever they wanted, while i'm stuck here at work for 40 hours a week supporting myself (and them), i would get a little jealous at times.  i tried not to get too involved in their life because of that.  i'm very easily affected by things and the smallest things can invoke a big reaction from me.

at times it also seemed like i wasn't very important, but obviously i was for giving them a place to live, no question there.  i think due to lack of common interests or compatibility, it would still feel a bit lonely at home.  especially when **** would get sad over various drama happening in their life and i wasn't good enough to help.  i would get sad too as a result.  and when you have 2 unstable people like us living together, we both ended up sad more than we both would have liked.

one day in january, **** asked me to play something that i don't particularly enjoy, and i told them that beforehand.  then when i didn't like it, i got a little harsh, but it caused them to snap and say some things to me that really hurt (not necessarily bad things, just personal attacks), and i got hurt even more because i knew they were sad over it.  because of me knowing that such tiny things can cause them to get upset with me and make us both sad, my first reaction was that i didn't want to do anything anymore, and i ran away from home.  i don't want to be sad around ****, i don't want them to be sad around me, and so i made the decision to leave and calm myself.

while i was away, i had discussions with a few close friends explaining the situation, how they make excuses, how they refuse to change, how they don't contribute to any living expenses, how they cause sadness for us both.  and at that point i really wanted to kick them out.  but kicking them out over such a small thing sounded really stupid to them so i knew it would be a difficult decision to make.  i had help prepared, i was going to put in effort to get them into a homeless shelter if need be.  but the problem is, i knew they wouldn't make any effort afterwards.  they would be too depressed and not want to be in that environment anyway, and would rather just end up committing suicide or something.  not wanting that to happen even though i didn't want them living with me anymore, i went opposite from what i wanted to do and told **** they could stay here, and wouldn't have a reason to leave until june (when i planned to move out anyway).

important note, i refused to promise that they could stay until june, because i knew it wasn't the decision i wanted to make.  i knew i would get to the point of wanting to kick them out again before then.  but i just couldn't deal with the guilt of kicking them out or having them leave and then them dying because of it.  even if it would have happened without me being involved, i'm still directly the cause.

well let's fast forward a few weeks later now into february.  me and **** are having another discussion, nothing out of the ordinary.  i'm trying to tell them about things they can improve on but all i hear back are excuses again.  but what made this time different for me was that **** kept firing back with things that i do wrong and need to improve on, making it seem like the problems we were having were my fault.  and that hit me hard.  how can you refuse to improve but then make it seem like i'm the one who needs to change?

i didn't say anything at the time, i just silently went offline and snuck out of the apartment.  this was a saturday night at around 3am (so sunday morning).  i was out for several hours to calm my thoughts, and came back to sleep.  i went to work again sunday, and sunday night after work, i just stayed out.  i didn't want to come home and just set myself up for more possible sadness.  i didn't want to see what **** was doing or how they were enjoying being able to sit around and do nothing.  i did come home to sleep late monday morning, and i went back to work on monday.

monday night was the same.  tuesday night was the same.  i can't remember which day it stopped because i forget what days i had off work that week, but basically i would stay out and rest in my car and then come home to sleep.  i didn't say a word to **** outside of two situations that came up that had to deal with things in the apartment, one of which i'll get into later.  **** asked me if i was okay one night because they were worried, and i didn't really know how to respond.  that's really the only conversation we had.

i had made up my mind at that point, i had to kick them out.  if i couldn't be at my own apartment because i get sad from interacting with my roommate, then the roommate has to go.  it's not like **** was contributing anything either.  so on friday or saturday night i think, i finally came to them with the news.  i don't even remember how the conversation went, but they were going to try to leave as soon as they could.  their mom tried to come get them one night but things happened and she was unable to, so they had to wait longer, no big deal.

sunday morning comes and i'm at home, about to kill some time before work since i'm finally at home for once.  i go to the bathroom to get in the shower, and i check my phone and see a message from ****.  basically they were having pizza delivered and in a somewhat rude way, made it known that either i can't be in the living room while they're waiting for it because it's awkward, or to have me answer the door for it.  i haven't even mentioned the pizza situation before so let me get into that first.

it started happening a few times throughout the first few months, **** would get hungry or in the mood for pizza sometimes when i wasn't home, and would get their friend to order them pizza delivered.  this shouldn't be a problem, but it made me feel bad in two different ways.  first of all, if they're hungry, that means that i didn't do a good enough job of keeping food stocked in the apartment for them.  second, it means they're putting a burden on someone else to provide for them, which made me feel bad for their friend.  also having pizza delivered is expensive.  i work at a pizza place, and i would never get delivery if there was another option, but that's beside the point.

did **** ever ask me to buy them pizza?  nope, though i brought pizza home from work sometimes and we'd share it.  **** would feel bad asking me for more because giving them a place to stay was already so much.  did **** ever complain about being hungry and not having enough food to eat in the apartment?  nope, they would feel bad asking me for more than i already gave them.

problem is, this shows the biggest problem i saw.  they are completely unable to provide anything for themselves, but still have to have things in order to survive.  when one person stops providing for them, they'll get another person to.  when that person stops providing, they'll just move onto a different person.  it has to stop somewhere, but at this point i knew that there was no reason i needed to continue to provide anything for **** anymore.

i was going to go back to being normal, well as normal as we could be with the awkwardness of them leaving as soon as they were able to get out.  i had stopped buying **** food for the entire week because i had stopped interacting with them, but i was going to try and make things decent for the last few days of their stay.  but after the pizza conversation, i was just completely done.  i couldn't deal with them any longer.

i stood in the bathroom for about 5 minutes, didn't respond, didn't step in the shower, didn't move, etc.  i had no idea what to do anymore.  finally i decided to take the shower like i meant to, and then i got my work clothes and left.  i drove around, stayed in my car again until work on sunday, then after work on sunday night i slept in my car in a walmart parking lot.  monday was the same.  tuesday was the same.  i woke up wednesday morning and saw the message on my phone from **** a few hours earlier saying they had left, and that was the end of it.  i came home, and i had peace finally.

i should also mention another situation that led to my decision to kick them out.  during the first week i was gone, i got a message from **** with a picture of the hallway closet door coming off the hinge or something.  they said "i just went to get a towel and this happened."  i told them to try and fix it but i'd come take a loot at it when i'm home.  i didn't fix it for almost 4 days because i wasn't really at home.  well basically, there was a door hanging off into the hallway, halfway blocking it and making it difficult to get through the hallway.  and when i did fix it, it took literally 1 minute to reattach it.  was any amount of effort made by them?  clearly not.

you have something that's negatively affecting your life, and you refuse to try to do anything to change it.  you make an excuse like "i'll do it later," or "it's not that big of a problem," or "someone else will do it for me," and you're not going to improve your life at all.  when i observed these things about ****, i stopped wanting to do anything to help them anymore.  let them be on their own.  let them struggle.  i didn't care.  someone else will do things for them and it's not going to be me.  and if nobody else does anything, maybe they'll finally decide to try something themselves.

after **** was gone, we talked a tiny bit, i reassured that i don't hate them or anything, and that's still true.  i wanted to keep updated with things that were happening in ****'s life to know that they're improving or at least surviving, because i know deep down that i couldn't deal with them getting into a horrible situation because of me.  and i observed things that just kinda continued to demotivate me.

the biggest thing was refusal to improve or change.  that was the biggest problem while **** was here that led to me not wanting them here anymore.  now being back in a situation that's not ideal, facing much more possible adversity, i notice nothing different by watching them, and still don't see anything that makes me think they'll change anything.  it just gets to me negatively thinking of how they're just never going to learn, and for my own sake, i had to get away from them so that i wouldn't see what they were up to.

with that, i made the decision to "randomly" block them on twitter, and delete every other form of contact we had.  at least they think it's random.  all i said before deleting was "i'm sorry," and they're upset with me for not giving a reason for blocking them on everything out of nowhere.  they don't know how i really felt while kicking them out.  i told them some things but realized it was going nowhere, as again, they refused to believe that they were taking advantage of me and couldn't care less about their future.  if you're like that, you don't really have to know why i made my decision.

here's the only screenshot i'll post, because i think this sums things up pretty well.  this conversation was when i kicked them out after a week of avoiding them.  https://i.imgur.com/zHTv5ZH.png

getting away from them was the only way i could stop being negatively affected by everything involving them.  i just want this all to be over so i can stop thinking about it.  yet it doesn't seem like the drama will end anytime soon, since i have to avoid them and that's a bit more difficult than it seems.

please ****, you can get your life back together, and i hope you do.  i just don't want to be involved in it.  i didn't leave you randomly, i had valid reasons that you refused to accept.

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tl;dr cause holy shit this is probably the longest thing i've ever written.

i offered a place to stay to a friend i wasn't super close with.  they became my roommate, but due to them not wanting to improve anything about themselves, i decided to kick them out after close to 6 months.  i avoided them by running from my own apartment for most of a week and a half, and soon after they left, i deleted them from everything because i can't deal with being around them or seeing them do anything.  the problem is, they're hard to fully avoid unless i disappear from everything, and thoughts of them are still probably going to affect a lot of things i do for a while since i'm so easily affected by things.

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if you actually read this whole thing, feel free to discuss with me, though i'd prefer not to make any more of this public.