12 oz Mouse script: S1E06_Spharktasm

Episode 6: "Spharktasm"
trans: John W Sandwich (Chris Crisman-Cox)


int. Rhoda's bar

Rhoda is lying dead on the counter, shot full of arrows. Rhoda's Death Theme plays as Mouse, Skillet, and Man/Woman
approach Rhoda. All three are drinking lots of beer. Rhoda enters.

RHODA: Hey, bar's closed. (sees his dead self) Oh. Ha ha ha. Hey, you're not going to tell anybody, are ya? Aw, pssh, it's just a fake.
RHODA: (cont'd) I mean, it's made of metal, for cryin' out loud. It's a joke. It's a gift from my uh, from my uh, realtor. It's funny. Isn't it? Come on, guys.

Man/Woman starts to scream. Mouse hits her on the head with his gun and points the gun at Rhoda.

RHODA: Oh no.

int. Mouse's house

MOUSE: Put another turkey at her feet.

Skillet rolls a turkey over to Man/Woman's feet. Man/Woman starts uncontrollably shifting between man and woman.

RHODA: Hey, you know, this really isn't a good idea being here. I mean, heh, this place where we're at now, that's the idea that I'm referring to that isn't good.
RHODA: (cont'd) I mean, I like your place. It's chilly. You got some things that are bandito. But uh, listen. Come here. We-we're dead.
MOUSE: You know what?
RHODA: Me? Who me? Me?

Mouse drops his gun in the middle of Rhoda's line, and it shoots Skillet when it hits the ground. He pulls out another gun.

MOUSE: No, you.
RHODA: Do I know what? I mean, what are you referring to that I know?
SKILLET: (screeches)
RHODA: What is that? A uh - a dog?
SKILLET: (screeches)
MOUSE: He's a squirrel.
RHODA: Yeah, I know. Here, squirley, squirely -
SKILLET: (lets out a short, cute squeal)
RHODA: - get yourself a nut.
MOUSE: Shut up.
RHODA: You shut up! You have no idea what kind of party is in store for us here! (Mouse points his gun at Rhoda) Ok?
MOUSE: I... love a party. With clowns and cakes. You know, I can't remember the last time I was at a party, and that is what is driving me out of my brains.
RHODA: You really mean that? I mean, you, with the brains?
MOUSE: What's going on with that Shark?
RHODA: (sighs) Man, I do not know. What Shark?
MOUSE: Skillet. Show him.

Skillet screeches and hits a button, revealing Shark trapped in water.

RHODA: Roostre, dude. Roostre is the guy.
MOUSE: What about Roostre?
RHODA: He's a he. He's the man. Everything, everything he touches goes bad.
MOUSE: What about that? (pointing to Man/Woman)
RHODA: She's... the man-wo-man. You oughta ask him. He'll show ya.
MOUSE: And that no-eyed square guy? What's his deal?
RHODA: Don't talk to him, man. You don't know what you're getting into. I'm telling you.
MOUSE: Who is he?
RHODA: Aw, he's rich. He's really rich. He's the bank. He's got like all this mad cash from the...
MOUSE: From the what?
RHODA: I don't know. R-Roostre knows. One more question, and I'm out, because I am sick and tired... of this.
MOUSE: What do you know about a cold phone. (holds up the cold phone)
RHODA: (knocks the phone out of his hands) You don't ever wanna get one. Not ever.
MOUSE: And what about this Pronto?
RHODA: No, no, shh. No, shh. Don't talk. I said one more, and that's it.
MOUSE: You're gonna leave here and go to your bar, and when that no-eyed square guy shows up, call me.

Mouse pulls out a bazooka, and Rhoda flies back offscreen. Rhoda comes back onscreen, and a flag comes out of the bazooka.

RHODA: Mmm, thank you.

The flag turns out to be connected to an arrow, and the arrow knocks Rhoda offscreen.

MOUSE: Grab another turkey, and put it by her feet. (Skillet tries to do this, but the turkey ends up on his head.) And let's get them [unsure of word - possibly "back"?]

ext. Roostre's farm at night. Fitz and Skillet are walking towards the farmhouse. Golden Joe, Roostre, and Peanut Cop can be heard laughing. The view gradually moves toward the farmhouse window.

JOE: Out of sight, get back, what up Shorty?
PEANUT: No, no way, man.
ROOSTRE: This is how it went. It went like this.

int. Roostre's house

ROOSTRE (song):

Was a time, not long ago,
Lived the good life, on the road.
Big stout house, two-car garage,
Three-piece suit, and a brand new Dodge.

But in the wink of an eye, I lost it all.
I got some land, to grow corndogs.
So now I'm stuck, on this here farm.
Done lost my mind, then I lost my arm.
Growing these dogs, for the carny trash.
Among other things, I'll do for cash.
Oh my demise, ain't all my fault,
But I reap rewards that it has brought.
But I reap rewards that it has brought.

(During the song, Peanut takes off his hat and lights it on fire.)

PEANUT: Did you hear that. Guys? That was beautiful.
JOE: I miss... I miss the old days, and the purple haze, and the mayonnaise, and the frickin' A's, my man. Eating ketchup sandwiches under the Christmas tree.
PEANUT: Bro, I don't know if you know, but like - and if this freaks you out, just let me know, but like, Joe and me, and let me know if Joe -
JOE: Oh, ha! No, you just didn't, man. You said: Joe, let me know. That's a rhyme on my time, biznitch. Slap me a link and clink on, man.
ROOSTRE: Hey.
PEANUT: Far out.
JOE: Far out.
PEANUT: Out.
JOE: Man, I'm so far out, I'm crunk as a mug up in this joint, man. Out like bizmouth. And the planets and man sho kimshow.
ROOSTRE: All right, now. Hey, hey-
PEANUT: Ooooo, ooo, shout.
ROOSTRE: Hey guys, did I ever tell ya, uh, about, uh, how I got here? About how I got to be like this?
JOE: One more time, Roost. Got where to be like what?
ROOSTRE: You know where.

A red dot appears on Roostre. Cut to the view from Fitz's googles, which are aimed directly on Roostre.

ext. Roostre's porch.

MOUSE: Man, these are effing cool. They were about 3 or 4 hundred dollars.

cut to a flashback. int. Fitz's house.

MRS. MOUSE: Happy birthday, sweetie.
MOUSE: This is for me?
MRS. MOUSE: Open it.

(Mouse opens the box and pulls out the goggles he's holding back on Roostre's porch.)

MOUSE: Wow, these are cool. Thanks.
MRS. MOUSE: Huh. Um... what are? Um... That's not what I - (baby cries) I, I'll get her. (cut to baby's room) Hush, hush, hush.

(Shadowy Figure appears in doorway, wearing a bowtie.)

MRS. MOUSE: What are you doing here?
SHADOW: (bubbles menacingly)
MRS. MOUSE: That's my - ugh. That was for Fitz. Why did you take it? Leave us alone, you bastard.

(Shadow shoots Mrs. Mouse with a dart. Back on the porch, Skillet screeches)

ext. Roostre's porch

MOUSE: Sorry, Skillet. Let's do it.

int. Roostre's house

ROOSTRE: It was just a car, man. I mean, I left the stereo, and this guy shows up, and some guy I can't even make out his features and everything.
ROOSTRE: (cont'd) And he growls and growls, and next thing I know I wake up in some room painted white where there's a giant fan all spinning, and
ROOSTRE: (cont'd) here he comes, this shapeless thing, and he comes out for me, and I can't move, and I got something sticking out of my neck, and then it paralyzes me, and then
ROOSTRE: (cont'd) he grabs me and starts pushing me toward the fan.

While Roostre is saying all of this, various scenes are shown of Fitz and Skillet preparing for battle. When Roostre is finished, Fitz bursts through the
window, and Skillet begins shooting a Skillet-shaped hole in the wall of Roostre's house. A huge fight takes place. Fitz knocks over Joe. Peanut tries to shoot, but
SKillet shoots the gun out of his hand. Fade to black.

Fade in. Roostre, Peanut and Joe are tied up. Fitz is assembling a large gun.

MOUSE: Okay, here's the deal, fellas. One of you, all of you, none of you maybe, know exactly what is going on here.
ROOSTRE: Now Mouse, you don't know what you're talking about.
MOUSE: Shut up. Nobody talks. Nobody talks until I... (realizes that he's constructed a huge gun pointing towards himself) til I figure out what I'm doing with this thing. How does this go together? (gun falls apart and shoots upward)
SKILLET: (screeches)
ROOSTRE: Is that thing like a rabbit or what?
PEANUT: Dude... that is totally an animal.
MOUSE: (rebuilding his gun) This is all like some kind of puke dream that I can't seem to shake the sweats from. And everytime I turn around there's a Shark and a clock and some sort of giant eyeball thing.
PEANUT: Oh, I, I completely understand, dudeus. I mean, (laughs) I'm totally blown away by the eyeball man. I mean, have I seen him?
ROOSTRE: Look, eyeball, schmeyeball.

Skillet jumps on the bathtub full of beer next to Roostre and points a knife at Roostre.

SKILLET: (screeches)
MOUSE: I said: shhh. Okay now, funny thing is, I have these weird flashes, like I've been somewhere before. Like I've been ripped from somewhere for reasons I don't understand. Does anyone else pick that up? That understanding of rippedness?

Peanut takes a hit from a joint.

MOUSE: I know you do. Does, uh, Birmingham mean anything to anyone? Does it? How bout you?
ROOSTRE: You know. I told you before, the night we got drunk. About Muff.
MOUSE: So what?
ROOSTRE: Well, so what is, his real name is Birmingham. That's so what.
MOUSE: I think uh, I've got a lot on my mind, gentlemen. I've got a lot on my mind and a lot of gun in my hand, so don't eff this up. And I'm not sure when it's gonna go off.

New Guy appears. Fitz's gun goes off. Princess Cruiser starts playing.

ROOSTRE: Good god, here we go.

Skillet puts on headphones and sunglasses.

int. Fitz's house, with Princess Cruiser still playing. The tank with Shark inside morphs into a picture of the city burning.

int. Rhoda's bar. RBM is sitting at the counter.

RHODA: (speaking into a phone) Mouse, mouse. He's here. The square businessman is here. I called you like you asked, and don't say I didn't tell you so.
SHARK: (on the other end of the phone) This is Rhoda isn't it?

int. Shark's studio

SHARK: How you doin', Rhoda? Still uh, alive, I hear. It's gonna go hard for you Rhoda. You're not gonna like... what comes next.

after credits: Mrs. Fitz gets hit with a dart.