Aubrey Misery

“Hey Sunny and Mari, it’s me again…”

Cold wind sweeps over Aubrey’s shoulder and stings her cheeks as she looks down at both graves. It still felt so surreal, so fake, so much like a nightmare that she wanted to wake up from. Just like the day when Mari died and her life fell shattered into a thousand pieces, just like the day Sunny confessed what really happened and those bloodied shards of her psyche started to heal, and then when Sunny…

“I know you guys get lonely sometimes, Hero hasn’t visited you yet and Kel is too busy with sports so I’m here, for both of you.”

Already she felt her lips starting to quiver. She promised herself she’d make it farther this time, she wanted to be strong for them, but just reading the epitaphs crushed her resolve. Trampled under by misery and sorrow, it felt like she was reliving those moments over and over. She came  here to stop hurting, but it seemed that it only made her feel worse.

‘SUNNY SUZUKI: YOUR SMILE, LOVE, AND HEART WILL BE MISSED FOREVER’

‘MARI SUZUKI: THE SUN SHONE BRIGHTER WHEN SHE WAS HERE’

“Kim and I have been talking, I think we’ll save up for a semester at a community college or something, see how that goes. I don’t want to end up like mom. Oh, Kim says hi too. Mari you would have liked her, she’s really very nice, she’s letting me and BunBun stay at her place while I figure things out.”

Aubrey lets out a deep breath, doing anything to steel herself. Already she felt she could sleep for a hundred years, but the worst was yet to come; she still had a confession to make.

“I think Kel and Hero would want to say hi too, even if they didn’t tell me. They loved you both so much, they miss you so much.”

Aubrey doesn’t notice the tears starting to flow until they drip down from her chin to the soil below on Sunny’s grave.

“I miss you both so much…”

Bringing her bat down from her shoulder, Aubrey uses it as a cane to keep herself steady. She knew if she fell she wasn’t going to get back up for a long time. Last time she huddled around Sunny’s headstone until late at night, shivering and sobbing until Kim and the gang came for her.

“Sunny, why? Why would you leave us like that? Things were getting better and now you made it so much worse… I can’t get out of bed some days, I just lay down and cry. Why Sunny? It’s like losing Mari all over again, but even worse this time”

Aubrey could feel her free hand unconsciously curling into a fist accusations and rage boiling in her blood.

“I’m so mad at you Sunny. You thought I was angry at the church when you came in looking for his photo album? I’m twice that mad now, you ruined my life, you ruined Hero’s and Kel’s, even Basil’s. You’re lucky Mari is up there with you or else I’d be kicking your ass when it’s my turn at the gates.”

A little smile crosses Aubrey’s face, mingling with the tears that streamed down.

“She would be so cross, she might just beat me up next, then you can get your licks in. She loved- LOVES you Sunny. She loves you, she would have understood if you told her you couldn’t play the violin anymore, or that it was making you upset. Why didn’t you say anything? The stupid recital wasn’t that important, was it?”

Her fist tightens until her knuckles turn white. If she wasn’t so sure she’d fall to her knees she’d use that bat for some more wanton property damage. She glances over her shoulder. The church still hadn’t put in new windows for the ones she smashed up when she first got the news.

“Why didn’t you tell us Sunny? We would have understood, we would have been there for you, we would have gotten you help, you wouldn’t have been alone, you didn’t have to be alone, you just had to say something.”

Frustration builds until Aubrey lets out a heavy, pained sigh while she relaxes her tightly clenched fist. She wasn’t going to lose her temper again, she had something important to tell them.

“I don’t think I’ll ever understand Sunny, just like with Mari, even if you told me exactly how you felt when it happened I won’t understand. That’s not what I came here to tell you though. I told you before I forgive you, this is different.”

Aubrey’s heart lay heavy in her chest and her throat closed up at the thought of it. It felt like she was being crushed again, squeezed by a giant snake that coiled around her whole body and made her lungs fight for every breath. She already made up her mind though, and she was nothing if not stubborn.

“Sunny, I love you.”

Those four words were enough to make the tears start in earnest. She could feel her legs quiver but her grip on the bat remained weak. She was ready to fall. Fall and be swallowed up by the earth and her sorrows so she never had to feel pain like this again.

“I love you, more than just a friend… I love you.”

That’s all her trembling body can take. Aubrey falls to her knees with a heavy thud, the grass tickling her legs while her bat rolls away from her to rest beside another headstone. She clutches herself, rocking back and forth in front of Sunny’s grave. She keeps the tears in check for now but her eyes itch and her nose burns. It feels like ants are crawling up her arms and legs and her stomach turns over. Her whole body feels like it’s rejecting the reality of what she’s said like it’s a poison, but her mind knows it’s the truth.

“I love you, I love you, I wish I said it before you left me. I love you, I love you Sunny.”

She chokes back the sobs as best she can as her body shuts down. With trembling fingers she reaches up to wipe away some of the tears, but it only makes it worse as now her nose begins to run. She was grateful she never learned how to do makeup.

“Maybe… Maybe if I said it sooner you’d still be here. I just didn’t know how to say it, I thought we had time. But we didn’t, it was your time to go.”

Tears mix with the dirt below as Aubrey can’t take it anymore. Letting herself fall forward, she gets a faceful of dirt and grass and her hairband comes off. Her trembling fingers dig into the dirt, ripping up clumps as emotion grips her body in its unrelenting grasp.
“I miss you. I love you so much and I miss you Sunny.”

Aubrey’s weak arms reach up to hug Sunny’s headstone. It was the closest she’d ever get to him in this life, but it made some of the pain fade away. She pulls herself forward until her pink hair touches the stone and she turns her head to the side so she could look at Mari's.

“I love him Mari. I… You know how Hero is the one? Sunny is the one, for me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell him before… I’m sorry I wasn’t there to catch him when he fell..

She hugs his headstone tighter, she wished to God she was hugging his warm body instead of the unfeeling slab of rock, she wished anybody was here with her to make this pain go away, but all she could feel was the gentle warmth of the sun on her dirtied hair and lower back and legs.

“At least you’re back together now… Mari, take care of him up there. Sunny, I love…”

She can’t choke out the words anymore. Aubrey lets the tears and sobs flow freely now, staining the dirt near her head in an ever expanding pool of snot, tears, sorrow, and misery. She needed to catch her strength. She needed to squeeze her eyes shut and just let it all out.

So she did.