(to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer)
You know Mika just married her old co-host Joe.
She seems like she loves him but does she know
The secret about Joe’s past?
If she knew she’d go running real fast!
Lori the fresh-faced intern
Used to work for Psycho Joe
Back when he was in Congress
And looking for a cute side-ho
She was naïve and smitten
With her handsome, smart new beau
But Lori didn’t realize
How the relationship would go.
Then one balmy summer night,
Lori heard Joe say:
“I can’t let you tell my wife.”
Then he snapped and took her life.
Then Joe retired from Congress
To “spend more time with family.”
But we all know the reason
Is cuz he murdered poor Lori.


(to the tune of Joy to the World)
Joy to the world, my intern’s dead!
I just caved in her head!
She said she tell my wife
So I ended her life
And now she can’t tell a soul!
And now she can’t tell a soul!
Aaaaaaaaand now she can’t tell a soul!
Joy to the world, my intern’s gone!
Where did it go wrong?
If went from hugs and kisses
To “I’m gonna tell the Mrs.”
And so the bitch had to die,
And so the bitch had to die.
And sooooooo the bitch she had to die.




(to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Bashing Lori’s head
With a bust of Abe Lincoln.
One swing and she’s dead.
Smashed her skull right in.
Head wound gushing blood
On the office floor
It’s messy but I don’t have to worry anymore, cuz
Lori’s dead,
Lori’s dead,
She just had to go.
She was gonna tell my wife, I couldn’t let her know, Ohh,
Lori’s dead
Fractured head
Now she’ll never tell!
I’ve kept my secret safe but now condemned myself to Hell!


(to the tune of Oh, Christmas Tree)
Oh, Lincoln Bust,
Oh, Lincoln Bust,
You truly are a Godsend.
Oh, Lincoln Bust,
Oh, Lincoln Bust,
You help me make a life end.
I lift you up
And bring you down
Crashing upon
Sweet Lori’s crown.
Oh, Lincoln Bust,
Oh, Lincoln Bust,
That head wound’s not too shoddy.
Oh, Lincoln Bust,
Oh, Lincoln Bust,
Now to get rid of the body.


(to the tune of Frosty the Snowman)
Lori the Intern
Was a hopeful, happy soul.
With a pure, sweet smile
And a button-nose,
Politics was her life’s goal.
Joe ran for Congress
And he won re-election.
A smart, young representative
He was up to have some fun.
There must have some magic there when Joe and Lori met.
Because it didn’t take Joe long to make her pussy wet.
So Joe and Lori started to have an affair.
In closets for brooms,
And in hotel rooms,
Carried on without a care.
First Lori loved it,
Then she felt the awful guilt
Her affair with Joe
Threatened to blow
Up the family he had built.
So Lori told Joe to end it or she’d tell his wife.
Joe picked up a bust of Lincoln and ended her life.
With her head smashed in,
Lori’s corpse fell to the floor.
Her head gushing blood
In a grisly flood
Of stomach-churning gore.
Now you’d think Joe was
In a penitentiary,
But instead Joe
Has his own morning show
On MSNBC.


(to the tune of We Wish You a Merry Christmas)
Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
In two thousand and one.
Her name was Lori Klausutis,
Her name was Lori Klausutis,
Her name was Lori Klausutis,
Died in two thousand-one.
They had an affair, she said she would tell
So Joe decided to kill her
In two thousand and one.
He picked up a bust of Lincoln,
He picked up a bust of Lincoln,
He picked up a bust of Lincoln,
And he caved in her skull.
So now there was a dead body,
So now there was a dead body,
So now there was a dead body,
On Joe’s office floor
He call in a friend
Who was an M.E.
Together they covered it up,
The murder of Lori.
Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
Joe Scarborough killed an intern,
In two thousand and one.