yo barz

never quite never like
every light in the sky
wishin why can't i fly
fall away any day, still i try
still i fight, can't tell why,
better that i let it by
don't we die, don't we try,
won't we find it's all a lie
never cry never try
never fail and never mind
every rhyme every reason
every time every treason
every season, every crime,
every ease in every line,
get so high, get so fried,
get so lost, get so defined
i feel the ride, healed inside, congealed in time
wait i'll try, hate my mind,
can't quite find what i might
call a target, each hit misses
the mark, yet not apart, it
beckons forth, small but i park it
and try again, not yet departed
pullin back but nothing starts it,
give me more or give me a market
till it runs and stuns my mind,
finish what i started
diminish the star shit and
experience that sublime hard hit
don't i know i make excuses?
can't refuse the truces i'm sprucin up
but at the same time there's no
recuse for me, conducive thus
the vibration  sensation,
gyration within my inner sapience
maybe it's me being shameless,
but more is met with no shame since
it opened the door and
showed the way to attain this,
but i refrain since im afraid
it might detain me within its
grasp, effervescent and permanent
at last, more or less im at
my wit's end wondering what
is with this mendacity, the perspicacity
and predilection to reflect?
can't help but just want to reject
so id rather shut it off, though
 i can't quite avoid the tenacity
the audacity of apostasy, i
renounce my views and dispatch with ease
any sense of apprehension i
might have had before this moment,
many hints, the comprehension i
find has given me atonement,
bemoan the truth, i suppose,
but i must own it, no dethronement
ever since i opened my eyes
and lived for just to hone this
perception; never felt so right
to have been so wrong, all along
you only believe the thoughts
to which you let yourself belong.

nothing quite is like it was before, never adorned,
im ever a whore for more
and more, right up until im reborn
torn between two worlds,
where i live and where i was sworn
to exist without this reliance,
i mourn this new thorn
pricking at my soul and
leaving it in a state i can't debate
but i can't wait to leave behind,
so i can start a bit too late
i'll sabotage myself and
defeat this fate, i'm lost while i wait
regardless; my only motivation
to remove all the self hate
and slow down the synapses,
im thinking i can begin to make
a new reality if i manifest
the sensations that lie beneath
utilize them for the better
gratification through clenched teeth
i grind away any day waiting
for a better battle to be fought,
but i oughta hop off my box,
get off from atop the lost
mountain of thought defining
my existential decay and dismay
this way, come what may,
some dumb thing will switch the tame
and break the mind to
redefine itself with persistence,
and plenty of influence
from these chemical assistants,
i remain receptive and
ready to learn, steady to adjourn
the path that i have come
to follow unto this sojourn
so i turn around and fall
back down the hill, steady rolling
and screaming in vain while
the world keeps holdin' on
i told you im gone,
when i said it i meant it,
even if just for a moment
between a moment, i spent it
experiencing eternity, embracing
the eternally existent,
decaying into molecules and
reforming, can i get a witness
can i get hit of this?
can't i just get a bit witless?
in my defense it's my decision,
so i see no sense in dismissing
i'll keep doing as my mind
demands, so goes the sentence
full commitment, i got
willpower and i choose to rend it
in favor of experiencing
this endless sentiment, it sent
itself from the universe to
expose the reality, i present this
as nothing short of
a complete reframing of my existence

ill strive to survive in a realm of the taboo,
derive some sort of pride in
the hell i've passed through
and find my own heaven,
who can tell me, what's the truth?
forsooth, only i can find
the meaning within the mood,
condemned to repeat myself,
im tearing apart the onus
to integrate some sense of
responsibility; i con thus
not only myself but
reality around me to fit my design
the only sense left:
a mere distortion of time,
non-existent as it is,
it still is all that waits
when wading through
the murky depths of altered states
going on and on, forever
repeating the path assigned
lest you or i take a
moment and begin to redefine
but i'll focus on me, since
that's all i really know
and i really gotta tell you,
be it fast or be it slow
echoes of experience line
the chasm of perception
and im gonna cause more
to vibrate, my inception
of climbing and flying,
finding that i'm dying,
and loving every minute of it;
i can't help reminding
myself and reality that
this is who i am, damned
if i don't be true
to my own self, i demand
the respect from my own mind
that i could never quite  get
and it obliges were i
to placate and pacify it
placid thoughts awaiting
to be risen with enough time
and enough neurochemicals
surging down the line
if i slow it down enough,
i can almost feel normal
like im coming across the mind
one might say is formally
the kind to be shared and
the one within which we reside
even though i spend every
moment of my life trying to decide
to just disappear from
the bliss of sentience,
i must miss the fear that
comes within the ignorance
but even in ignorance,
there is utility to be found
all you gotta do is
rethink things and turn it around

believe what you want and
do what you must, i'd say
you're better off being
truthful to yourself anyway
any day, any time,
any rage that you might find,
any thought, any action,
be it lost or gaining traction
any world, any mind,
anything you can conceive inside
any spot, any passion,
many words revoke the rations
in perpetuity, im waiting
to spend the words it threw to me,
exhume them from my mind
and imbue them with acuity,
but they won't come if
they aren't so properly exposed
to an acute flood of
something to modulate the throes
through the blood and through the heart,
flowing near and flowing far
through the body and to the mind,
so the molecules were designed
by time and circumstance,
defined by those who, perchance,
opined to invent, the novelty
they sought is thus heavensent
so i hope you find some sort of
sense within the rhymes i will have spit
and so i say, my mind is
merely open with expressive intent
i never sit too still, the constant
movement a reminder of my will
of the vibrations in my mind
my body is just a shill
the meatbag is willing but
all i want is to push it too far
and see just how much it
can take without falling apart
marks and bruises everywhere,
beautiful reminders of savoir faire
at least with regards to the self,
can't help but notice the stares
im socially inept, but
correct if i were to discuss it
i just express the things that
other people are afraid to in public
no sense in avoiding judgment,
it's gonna come anyway
so hence im toying above it,
shit's only momentary they say
but i beckon my mind
to rend forth more words,
and yet i find that it
would prefer to remain unheard
for now, at least,
until next time i begin
to feel the flow of
existence shoot through a pen
it waxes and wanes, but
it is most wont to resume
just what it takes to
become lost in its tomb